When I break down, I list off the reasons,
I'm here and I'm still breathing, I'm hanging on.
Try to break down and wait for tomorrow,
I'll find the way through the sorrow.

-Sleep Deprivation, Chance Pena

After realizing that I had never intentionally set out to hurt anyone, Storm and Logan tried to make my stay in the basement of the mansion more comfortable. I still wasn't allowed to sleep in my own room, considering how unstable my control over Apex had become. But they brought me books and blankets and pillows to at least give me something to do. I knew that being stuck down here was only adding to my anxiety, which only made Apex more defensive. But until they came up with a plan to control Apex for good, there was no other alternative.

The Professor still had horrible wounds on his back, but Josh's healing had taken him further from the edge of death, and the potent medicines were enough to ease his pain. As it turned out, when a renowned mutant activist is dangerously injured, everyone went out of their way to help. Both a human doctor and a blue, furry mutant stopped by to aid in his recovery. I, logically, understood why so many people were bending over backwards to save him - he was Charles Xavier after all. But still, there was a slight twinge of pettiness when I thought about how many times I had been injured. Even when John had been shot, it had taken over a month for him to heal completely with the help of Josh Foley. But with the Professor, it had only been a little over a week and he was already discussing returning to the classroom.

I understood, but it still stung that our health wasn't more of a priority.

It only took another two days before the Professor was in good enough condition to help me control Apex.

During our visit, both Logan and Kitty had to be in the room with us. Since Kitty had saved the Professor in the first place, it made sense why she would be there to help if things went south. I still hated the thought that she was there though. Until now, I had kept Apex's presence relatively under wraps. But now, it seemed like the entire school knew that I had a second personality that was hell bent on killing everyone.

"So how are you going to fix me, then?" I asked, sitting in a chair across from the Professor's bed. He still had a gentle smile on his face, as if I hadn't mauled him merely a week ago.

The Professor paused, as if figuring out how to frame his words. I knew that he could sense Apex's agitation, and didn't want to risk setting him off. "From what we know, Apex is part of your mutation - he's essentially the personality of your power, or the animals inside of you. Whenever you use your power, Apex is there, even if you are in control, mentally. It's not possible to get rid of Apex completely, unless there was some sort of block for your power."

I nodded, feeling both relieved and disappointed at once. I wanted to feel safe in my own skin, and getting rid of Apex would do that. But, he was still a part of me that I could never imagine losing. I had never felt such a strong sense of unity than I did when battling as one with him.

The Professor went on, "However, your past fuels Apex's instability. You've had a harder life than most, and it's led to Apex feeling that he needs to protect you every time you feel stressed or upset. The issue isn't the presence of Apex, it's that he will kill at the slightest sense of danger. Instead of trying to lock Apex away or have him on a leash, you need to find a way to coexist with him."

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I could smell the fear on Kitty too - she wanted a more permanent solution to my affliction towards murder. "I can't. I've already tried that. It seemed to only make him more powerful."

"It's because of your anger, Violet. You have so many things to be angry about, but Apex feeds on that. I think the solution isn't to try and stifle Apex, but to stop feeding him."

I was starting to understand what the Professor was saying. "So... therapy."

The Professor smiled again. We had done therapy in the past, after the events of Alkali Lake. It had been mostly uneventful conversations to try and work through the trauma of being attacked by Stryker. Most people benefitted from it in some way, but I found it simply wasn't enough. I had scars far deeper than anything Stryker had caused, and biweekly therapy sessions didn't really do much to heal those wounds.

"In a sense," the Professor said. "But not for you. For Apex."

I blinked. "You want to give therapy to... a wolf."

The Professor chuckled, but it was quickly cut off by a wince. I felt another stab of guilt - I had hurt him so badly that he couldn't even laugh and he was still helping me. He recovered quickly, trying to pretend like he wasn't in pain. "A more extreme sense of therapy, yes. With my powers, I can pull the anger from Apex so that he doesn't feel the need to attack as much."

"And that will stop him from ever attacking someone again?" It seemed too good to be true. I could feel a knot forming in my throat from the idea of the danger of Apex being taken away forever. The life I had always dreamed of - one where I wasn't terrified of myself - was so close that I could touch it, when I never thought I'd be able to live it.

"It won't be an overnight change," the Professor warned, "And you will need to have consistent therapy sessions to prevent Apex from ever becoming dangerous again. But yes, I believe it would stop him."

I wasn't able to do anything but stare at the Professor. There were too many emotions rushing through my veins, that I couldn't choose a single one to act on. I was incredibly happy at the thought of finally being in control of my own body, but I also had major doubts that it would be this easy. There had to be some sort of catch. I also felt deeply annoyed; I had killed so many people, so why had it taken this long for the Professor to present me with this option? And then, I felt a deep-rooted grief for all the lives that could have been saved if he had given me the choice earlier.

Even with these thoughts, I wasn't able to articulate the joy and grief all at once. But Apex was able to push the darker feelings forward. "You only care about healing Apex once you got hurt," I whispered.

"Watch it, kid," Logan warned from the doorway. I ignored him. It was true.

"I had hoped you would be able to control Apex over time, and I never thought his presence would bring this level of destruction," the Professor explained. I detected the slightest hint of defensiveness in his tone. "I need you to understand that this isn't a one-time fix for your anger. At first, we'll need to have daily sessions to ease the anger that is provoking Apex. Eventually, I hope that you will be able to go months without my help. But I won't be around forever, Violet. You will need to find your own way to release your emotions, or else your entire life will be a battle for control."

I supposed it made sense why it was a last resort when he phrased it like that. He had always wanted me to find my own way to come to terms with Apex, and none of us really anticipated the amount of blood he would spill. It eased some of my annoyance towards him, and filled me with more hopefulness. The Professor really could help me. I would never have to wake up again in a cell, covered in blood. It seemed like the start of a new life. It was heartbreaking that my new life had to come at such a cost.

"When can we start?"

"Now, if you like," the Professor answered. "I won't have the energy to completely take the anger away, but I believe it will give you enough control to sleep in your own room tonight."

I let out a shaky breath to release a wave of emotions. I never thought that I would miss my own room so much - despite the shredded mattress and burns and claw marks on the walls. Despite being proved innocent, in a way, I still felt like a prisoner. I knew that upstairs, it wouldn't be any better. People would stare at me like a monster - and maybe I was one - and I would always be terrified of the presence of the wolf inside of me. But... it was a start.

"You sure about this, Chuck?" Logan asked.

I turned to look at him, annoyed that he was trying to interefere with the one chance of hope I was holding onto. But when I met his eyes, I didn't see malice... only apprehension. I felt my guard lower. Logan had seen first-hand the destruction I had caused. He had seen how easily Apex had taken over and hurt people. The thought of the Professor being able to finally put an end to all of that seemed just as unrealistic to him as well.

Kitty, on the other hand, was far past the territory of apprehension, and plain terrified. I could see that she was internally praying that I stay down in the basement, for the sake of her own ability to sleep. If it didn't get past me, I knew the Professor could sense the fear on her as well.

He kept his tone even as he spoke. "I would not put other students in danger if I wasn't sure."

It ended the conversation. The others trusted the Professor, and they had all healed in some way from his telepathy. If Charles Xavier said he could do something... they had no choice but to believe him.

The Professor motioned for me to come closer, holding out both arms towards my temples. When I leaned forward, the sensation that overcame my body made me jolt back. I thought it would be pleasant - cathartic - to have the anger pulled from mine, and Apex's mind. It was jarring, like the Professor and Apex were playing tug-of-war and I was the rope.

"I never said it would be easy, Violet," he said quietly.

You have no choice, I reminded myself. So I leaned towards him again.

It felt like hot wax was dripping across my mind. The Professor couldn't just magically pull the anger away from my mind, like some sort of vaccuum. He had to sort through the emotions, and then calm each thought that made me angry. And I had so many reasons to be angry... to kill.

Hugh and his stupid friends. Images of each count of his bullying passed through my head, reminding me of experiences I thought I had forgotten. Being slammed into a locker. Being taunted. Having my diary posted all over school. Each experience had chipped against my spirit, destroying my self-esteem and making me feel less than. I had grown so much from leaving them behind in Canada, and I didn't think about them too much anymore. But still, they were buried in my mind, taunting me like they had always done.

And then there were the teachers. I hadn't realized how much I resented them until now. They had seen the bullying first-hand, and they had done nothing to stop it. Sometimes, they made a few of their own nasty remarks as well. If they had just tried, maybe the bullying would have ceased. Maybe Apex wouldn't have had a reason to snap. Maybe I wouldn't have made my first kill.

Finally, there was my mother. God, how could I be angry at her? Hadn't she redeemed herself when she paid the ultimate price? And yet, the rage towards her was still white hot. She had been my only parent, and the only adult to know about my power. She tried her best to help me... but it wasn't enough. She had turned away the Professor when he had come looking for me, all those years ago. She had failed to stop Hugh from tormenting me. And she was so concerned with no one finding out that I was a mutant, that she was never able to get me the help I needed to control my anger. I may have been the one to kill her, but Apex couldn't ignore the part she played in it all.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I pulled away from the Professor, screeching my chair back to get out of his grasp. I only realized then that tears had been flowing down my face this entire time. I furiously wiped at my face, feeling shame heat up my cheeks. I shouldn't have been embarrassed by appearing weak in front of Logan and Kitty, but I couldn't help it. Maybe it was one of my survival instincts, telling me that if I was weak, I was prey.

I glanced back to Kitty and Logan to see their reactions. I expected to see them still standing there, possibly looking alarmed or even confused. Instead, they were both sitting in chairs that hadn't been there originally. Kitty was leaning back in the chair, her foot crossed over her knee, as if she had been relaxed. Logan had an unlit cigar in his hand, that he was staring at as he spinned it between his fingers. It was almost as if he were having an internal battle over whether to light it up or not.

I turned back to the Professor. "How long did that take?"

"Nearly an hour." I gaped at him; it had felt like only seconds of memories and emotions flowing through my mind. And after nearly an hour of having a telepath playing around with my mind, I still didn't feel anymore in control, except maybe more exhausted. The Professor let out a long sigh, probably as exhausted as I was. "Violet, I want to warn you that taking control of your powers is going to be a long, emotional journey. You'll need to be committed if you ever want to see change."

"I am," I promised. But even as I said the words, they felt fake. Of course, I wanted to prevent another disaster from occurring. But maybe it felt like an empty promise because the reason I was committed was so that I could leave and start a new life somewhere else. Even though John and I had made the promise to leave long ago, it only recently felt like I no longer belonged. I had just made too many mistakes here; there were too many people I had hurt.

I wanted to wash the blood from my hands... but I couldn't do that yet.

Based on his disappointed gaze, the Professor knew that this was my motivation. He, of all people, should understand why John wanted to leave so badly. And why I would follow him. If he wanted us to stay so badly, he should have found a way to protect John, rather than rely on my fear of Apex to keep me here.

"If you leave," his voice was quiet and shaky, "I fear you will never be able to control your anger."

There was a pause as I stepped back from him, as if that would protect me from his telepathy. I kept my voice low, so Kitty wouldn't hear. "If I leave, maybe I won't have so many reasons to be angry."

From the other side of the room, Logan let out a dry, bitter laughter. Kitty seemed confused, clearly not having heard our conversation. But with Logan's enhanced hearing, I should have known he would be listening. He stood, tossing his cigar into the pocket of his leather jacket. "What, you think the world out there will be nicer to you than us?"

"Logan," the Professor warned.

Logan ignored him. "What do you think will happen if you go out there? You can't kill everyone who's mean to you."

I shrunk back, feeling the guilt drown me once more. Logan seemed to realize his words, because he cleared his throat and stepped back, as if in regret. Yet, he didn't apologize. "I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone, Violet... but you're a ticking time bomb. One day, you're going to go off, and everyone around you will get hurt. At least here, we can protect ourselves."

I found myself at a loss for words. It seemed that no matter where I was, I was a danger to everyone. I felt a sense of sinking dread in my stomach, knowing that Logan was right. I was a danger in Canada, I was a danger here, and it seemed like I would be a danger if I left.

I wasn't sure that there really was a place for me where I'd belong.

[X]

I was exhausted, both mentally and physically.

I hadn't realized how much of a toll the therapy session would take on me, and the thought of having to do it again tomorrow weighed me down with dread. It didn't seem fair that I needed this much dedication just to be able to shapeshift into an animal; it seemed like other mutants got way cooler powers at a lower cost. But, this was the first time since I developed my powers that I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. All this time, I had thought Apex was the anger I'd have to live with... it was still surreal to think that there was a way to fix him.

After the therapy session, the Professor allowed me to sleep in my own room. I didn't have to have his telepathic abilities to know that Logan and Storm would be making regular checks on me to ensure both Apex and I were sleeping. Even though it was only midday when he told me this, I still stayed in the basement until late evening. The thought of walking down those hallways and having everyone stare at me... it was just too much after the excrutiating day.

As I walked down the empty hallway towards my bedroom, images flashed through my mind. It wasn't the same hallway that Apex tore into Jay's flesh, but it was too familiar. With each breath, I saw something new. Fire, spreading across the floor in a second. Claws, ripping skin open like paper. Screams, filling my ears and making me sick. How did the Professor think I could do this? It was too much.

I finally reached my bedroom, feeling light-headed. I craved the safety of my bed, knowing that it would be the only place where I could calm my racing mind.

I stumbled into my room, and my breathing halted.

On the floor near the door was a large, open duffel bag, with clothes thrown messily into it. Shoes were strayed nearby. Nori's bed, which had been neatly made ever since she left, was now strewn apart, as if someone had been sleeping in it. There was also a new scorch mark in the wall, that I was fairly certain Nori hadn't caused. I was so caught off guard by the mess, that I didn't realize there was a person standing in the bathroom.

"Hey, Princess."

His voice was low, tired. John was standing in front of the mirror, his hands on the counter as he leaned over the sink. Small droplets of water slid off his face, falling into a small pool at the bottom of the sink. He looked... exhausted.

"Hey," I whispered. I came over to him and gently pulled him away from the counter. I didn't say anything as I wrapped him in a hug; he needed my comfort but I knew there were no words I could say to help him. Instead, I asked, "So you're my roommate now?"

"Well I'm not going back to living with Drake." His voice was lighter - a whisper - but still covered in a layer of frost.

I pulled away and stepped back. Once more, I was hit with a wave of guilt. I hated that my actions were what caused him to feel so horribly. John had, once again, tried to do the right thing, but was, once again, blamed for it. He had earned his title of 'the bad guy' and could never move past it.

"Storm's okay with it?" I had a feeling she would disapprove.

Judging by John's expression, he hadn't asked for permission. I figured that even if Storm did have something to say about John's living situation, she would bite her tongue. She had to rebuild a lot of trust with him... forcing him to move back to Bobby's room would just make him leave for good. Everyone knew it.

"Have they said anything to you about..." I trailed off, but John could fill in the blanks. He shrugged, pushing past me to walk out of the bathroom.

"Storm apologized. Rogue and Drake tried while I was packing up but I didn't have anything to say to them. Logan's just giving me time to blow off steam, I think."

I could tell that Bobby's betrayal had hurt John most of all. From what I knew of his past, Bobby was his first friend after coming to the Institute. Of course, John arrived a few years before Bobby, but remained somewhat of a lone wolf. It wasn't until they started rooming together that John finally opened up to the idea of having friends again. And Bobby wasn't just a friend... he was his best friend. I could understand the sting of Bobby's betrayal, and why it dug so much deeper than everyone else. John always knew what they thought of him, he just thought that Bobby was the exception.

John cleared his throat. "So did the Professor fix Apex?"

I sighed and shook my head. "Not exactly. Apex comes as a package deal with my powers, I guess. He's trying to pull the anger from my mind so that Apex won't keep trying to kill everyone whenever I feel a negative emotion. It's going to take a lot longer than I thought."

John raised an eyebrow as he sat onto Nori's bed. "I'm surprised they let you sleep in your own room."

I shrugged. "I think they could tell that staying down there was doing more harm than good. Apex responds to stress, and being trapped down there... well, no amount of therapy could keep him calm."

John nodded once and then fell silent. I came to sit next to him on the bed, but I was struck with how odd it still felt. Nori and I had been friends for such a short period of time, and yet it still felt wrong to sit on her bed, knowing that I had been the one to drive her out of her own room. I tried to move past the feeling, so I could be there for John. I laced my fingers with his and gave his hand a tight squeeze.

I was about to say something when I was interrupted by a knock on the door. My brows dropped in confusion. I wasn't exactly popular these days, and I definitely wasn't expecting any visitors. John seemed to immediately steel up. Whoever was behind that door was no friend to him. Part of me wanted to not answer the door. After everything that had happened these past few days, all I really wanted was to be left alone to calm down and come to terms. But I also knew that nobody would be knocking this late at night unless it was important.

I opened the door and was only mildly surprised to see it was Bobby. He looked like a mess. His face was pale and bags hung under his eyes, as if he had lost sleep since the incident. When he saw me, his mouth dropped. "Violet? I didn't know you'd be back so soon."

"Just back to sleeping in my own bed," I said quietly. I stepped forward, so that my body was blocking any view of John.

Bobby looked almost fearful of seeing me. Even though I had been his friend and he knew that I never intentionally set out to hurt anyone, he had still seen what I - with the help of Apex - was capable of. It would take time to rebuild that trust again... I wasn't entirely sure I'd be able to. "Um, I didn't know about Apex, by the way. Rogue only told me about him after. When you attacked everyone - if I'd known, I don't know, maybe I would have done things differently."

I could see the guilt swimming behind his eyes. I could tell that he was awake so late because he couldn't seem to forgive himself for his actions when Apex attacked. While I would never tell John, I understood why Bobby did what he had to do. But I also couldn't forgive him for not trusting John when he tried to explain his side of the story. I nodded once at Bobby's implied apology. "What brings you here, then?"

Bobby shifted on his feet, trying to glance past me. There was a long stretch of silence when his eyes met mine again. He knew what I was hiding behind my door, but he didn't want to ask. "Is he here?"

I glanced back into the room. John was still sitting on Nori's bed, listening to our conversation. When he saw me look, he shook his head once. I turned back to Bobby. "He's asleep. It's pretty late. I just got back so I haven't really had a chance to talk to him."

Bobby looked disappointed, but not surprised. He ran a hand through his hair, tugging at the ends. "Man, I feel like shit for what went down. We've gotten in a lot of fights before but... I think this is it."

"I mean, you locked him in a cell, Bobby. You can't expect him to bounce back from that."

The guilt in his eyes only deepened. "What was I supposed to do? There was blood and fire everywhere and everyone was saying you two had planned it. John's my best friend but-"

"If he's your best friend, why didn't you trust him?"

There was another long silence as Bobby tried to find the words to answer my question. Finally, in a low voice, he said, "Whenever someone gets hurt, you and John are always in the middle of it. I know that half the time he doesn't mean to cause any harm but... him being the hero is the exception, not the rule."

I couldn't find the words to respond. After everything they had been through together, how could Bobby think so low of John, and still call them friends? Alkali Lake, the restaurant on fire, even doing his best to correct the mess we made in the Danger Room... every mistake would always overshadow the lengths John went to do the right thing. Why bother trying anymore?

"Bobby, I think you should give him some space," I said quietly. "Until you stop seeing him as the villain, he's never truly going to be your friend."

Bobby's face fell, but deep down, he knew that I was right. They could keep going in circles of arguments and apologies, but it would always end in John being disappointed and losing more faith in the people he called his friends. And maybe Bobby was right - John and I did always seem to be in the centre of the biggest messes - but he couldn't just come crawling back like nothing happened once the smoke has cleared.

"We've been friends since I got here, you know?" Bobby said as he stepped back. There seemed to be an acceptance on his face. "It was different back then. He wasn't so... cold; he was just a class clown. I know he's gone through some shit - not that he's ever told me, but... I could always tell. I hate that something I did caused him to close himself off to everyone."

I offered Bobby a small, pitiful smile as he took another step back. I could see his eyes flitting again, trying to catch a glimpse of the boy sitting on the bed behind me. Realizing that he wasn't getting anything from me, he let out a final sigh. "Just tell him I'm sorry, okay?"

I didn't say anything. We both knew that his apology wouldn't make a difference.

A/N: a bit of a shorter one. The next chapter is pretty much all written out and I think you'll all enjoy it!