In my bed I believe every word that you've said Just a kiss and you make me forget

Notes:

Here is another part of what might actually turn into a series of one shots. I don't think it is necessary to read the first story, but I think it would help to understand what is going on.

"Don't ever betray me." He looked at the woman in front of him. She meant more to him than he would ever be able to put into words. He loved her more than he ever thought he was capable, and there was literally nothing he wouldn't do for her.

"Never." The reply was automatic, just the thought was blasphemy. How could she even suggest that he'd ever cross her? He would die for her, he had killed for her, and he'd do it again, without question, without hesitation.

"Okay." The word was spoken softly, yet her eyes were so trusting and he knew she believed him. It was the same look she'd had on the Gambit when he had promised her they were going to be fine, and on Lian Yu when he had promised her they'd find a way off of the island, or on the Amazo when he had come for her, and she had followed him in his quest to save Slade and with that her doom.

He should've known then that it would be just another promise he was going to break. It seemed to be the one consistency between them. He promised her something. She believed him, trusted him, and he would let her down.

But it was only months later, once Maseo had showed up in the Bunker, that he realized he had lied to her. There was nothing he wouldn't do for her, except stay in the League, become Ra's al Ghul. Honor the vows he had made, to Ra's and to Sara; his wife. He had promised her a life with him by her side; she had given herself to him in a way she had always claimed she would never to anyone; she had bound herself to him in a ceremony that might have little meaning to him but was as real to her as a legal one would be to him. He had promised her he would never betray her, yet here he was.

Engaged to another woman, living his life thousands of miles away from her on an entirely different continent, he hadn't seen her in almost a year and abandoned her, leaving her to deal with the repercussions of his choice to go back to Star City.

Even with Ra's permission to leave Nanda Parbat for the time being, until he was summoned, he had still left her alone. He'd turned his back and walked away from her, without a backwards glance and fallen into another woman's arms almost as soon as he had set foot into his hometown. He had been so furious and hurt still from the argument they'd had the day before he had left Nanda Parbat, which had led to Sara not coming to bed that night and leaving him wondering where she might be and whether she was sharing Nyssa's bed instead of his.

The thought had come with a heap of guilt, knowing full well that Sara hadn't cheated on him, hadn't shared Nyssa's bed, since they had decided to give this thing between them, whatever it was, another shot. Sara was loyal to the core. He knew that. And when she had promised to stay true to him, he knew she had meant it wholeheartedly, she wouldn't have made it otherwise. Sara never made promises she didn't intend to keep, and she was a hell of a lot better at keeping hers than he was at keeping his.

Yet, he couldn't help it, not after the words she had thrown at him, the way she had meticulously cut at him as if she were wielding one of her daggers and expertly using it to inflict as much pain as possible. The wounds she inflicted could just as well have been carved into his skin. The damage was just as permanent, even if the scars she had created weren't visible to the naked eye. Her not coming back to their room after calmly walking away from him hours ago, as if she didn't care about the pain she caused him, about him, almost hurt more than her words had and given what she had said, the assumption she might have gone to her ex-girlfriend hadn't been that far-fetched.

Of course, hindsight was always twenty-twenty, and he now realized what she had done and how purposeful every single act had been. He had been wavering, even if only slightly. He had actually begun to consider the option of staying in the League with her, to honor his vows, both to her and to Ra's. To abandon his friends, his family, Speedy to stay in Nanda Parbat with Sara. So they could build a life together, just like they had wanted to, dreamed about, for years. Sure, it wasn't the life they had fantasized about, but it didn't really matter what life they led as long as they were together. Because in the end, that was all that mattered, the two of them together. Finally.

And she had known that.

Because no one knew him the way Sara did, she knew him better than he knew himself. And the last thing Sara had ever wanted was for him to get involved with the League, even less join them and spend his life as a ghost, like the rest of them.

"We are both ghost, we died on that island."

"We both lived."

They had both been right, and they had both been wrong. Yes, they had both survived Lian Yu, but Sara might as well have died, given the life her survival had forced her into and she was now trapped in. And while he was alive, officially, there were times he felt like he might have actually died on Lian Yu and the only thing that was left was a husk that kinda looked like Oliver Queen but had no other resemblance to the person he was before.

He had become good at pretending over the years, so good that he sometimes even believed it himself. But the only times he had truly felt like himself, truly alive, had been in Sara's arms. And he had fucked that up royally.

But he planned to rectify that humongous mistake.

"Oliver, you can't seriously consider going back to Nanda Parbat." John's outburst right after Maseo had left did not come as a surprise to him. No, it was expected. He didn't think his friend would understand, not with the limited amount of information he had, maybe if John knew that the wife Ra's had chosen for him, was sort of to him what Lyla was to Dig. But he couldn't tell him that, so he didn't expect John to understand or be on board with his choice, not that it mattered. John's opinion on the situation didn't matter. None of their opinions mattered, because they didn't know, they didn't understand, they couldn't and because they were missing key points of the facts, what they thought he should or shouldn't do had no value. Part of him felt horrible for thinking that way, but it didn't change the fact that it was the truth.

"It's the only thing I can do, Dig." This was another truth. Because there was no other way to guarantee there would no further harm come to Sara, at least not from within the organization she called her home. Going back with Maseo was the only way. The only thing he could do to protect Sara.

"Oliver, this is insanity. Getting you out of there had been almost impossible and the consequences your absence had for the city were unimaginable. Going back there now, after everything it took for you to come back home, is too dangerous. Who is to say Ra's is going to let you come back home again?" It hadn't almost been impossible, it had actually been impossible. They hadn't succeeded in freeing him. He had come home weeks after they had been forced to leave him in Nanda Parbat.

And his freedom was only temporary.

Not that he had told them that. He'd been sure it would be years before Ra's demanded his return, enough time for him to find a way out of the deal. He'd been wrong once again. And he was pretty sure this time there was no coming back, not only because the chances of Ra's letting him go again, after he had refused to honor his side of the bargain, were slim to none but also because there was no way he was going to leave without Sara. And leaving with Sara was even more impossible than leaving without her had been. He would not abandon her again. It was the only thing he couldn't do. His family, his friends, his city, they'd be okay without him, but Sara would not, as he had just been shown. And Sara was more important. His family and friends had each other, Sara had no one, no one to protect her, to take care of her, no one but him.

"It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that my wife is being punished for my actions." He pushed the photos of Sara's body into the former soldier's face, to make his point, but not giving them out of his hands. He couldn't. They were almost glued to his hands. He needed to hold on to them, to her. It was stupid and irrational, but he just couldn't let them go. Maybe because he needed to hold on to her, and this was the only way he currently could.

"Pretend-wife. It's not like it's an actual marriage." Felicity's mumbled words had him turn towards her in a fury. There was nothing pretend with Sara.

"And that matters how exactly, Felicity? A woman is being tortured in my name. Should I just pretend like it doesn't matter because our laws and culture don't recognize the marriage? It's real to her. It's as real to her as a marriage license would be to us. And whether she is my wife or not doesn't even matter in the end. What matters is that I can keep her from suffering even more by going back." It was the truth, every word he spoke, but the person being tortured in his name being Sara just intensified his feelings by an unmeasurable amount. He'd been responsible for enough of her pain already, too much. If he could prevent her from getting hurt, there was no choice. He loved Felicity, he truly did. But Sara was his heart, his soul, his life, his meaning for being. She was everything to him. She was his salvation and his damnation. She was everything in between and the only thing he really needed. But how was he supposed to make them understand without actually telling them the truth? There was no way, and even if he could, he was sure they still wouldn't be able to understand. Not really. Because there were no words in any of the languages he spoke that could accurately describe the way he felt about Sara.

"I understand that, but… she's not… it's not like you want to be married to her, like you chose to be married to her. You were forced and I am sorry she's being tortured, but why should you have to give up your life just because… why should you be punished? It's not fair!" Felicity, as usual, was all emotions, one of the things he loved about her. It sometimes reminded him of how Sara used to be, before the Gambit and Lian Yu and the League, back when they were kids and life was so much simpler. But it was rather unhelpful in situations like this one. But he understood. He had practically just told her he wasn't going to marry her. They weren't going to have the life they'd been planning for months now. That he was leaving her for another woman, and it was even more true and accurate than she could possibly know or understand. And he felt horrible about it, in a different life… if things were different, if Sara wasn't being tortured because of him, maybe they could make it work. But not like this, not under these circumstances. There was just no way; he wouldn't be able to live with himself… the guilt would eat him alive.

"Why shouldn't I be punished? I'm the one who didn't hold up my end of the deal. She had nothing to do with that. My life isn't worth living if the only way I get to live it is because someone else is suffering in my stead. How am I supposed to go on? How am I supposed to be happy knowing a woman is being tortured because of me?" He understood Felicity was being hurt, that she was confused and in pain and he tried to make her understand that there was no other course of action, that he'd never be able to be happy with her, as long as he knew someone else was paying the cost for that happiness with physical pain.

"But there has to be another way. There are different choices, there have to be." The pain and desperation in Felicity's voice was heartbreaking and felt like a punch in the gut. He'd never meant for her to get hurt. God, what a mess he had created. What unnecessary pain he had caused. If only he had just stayed in Nanda Parbat, had tried to figure out why Sara had acted the way she had, had told him the things she had… if only he hadn't reacted out of hurt but had acted rationally and tried to figure out why Sara had suddenly done a one-eighty. They had been happy. And then, out of the blue like a summer thunderstorm, she had torn him apart at the seams, ripped his heart to pieces and stomped on it.

He should've known.

But he had been blindsided by her behavior. She'd been so cold, calculated, and downright cruel. Nothing like the woman he'd known for almost all of his life. The things she had said… he should've known, but it had all been too much and he'd been in a place he had never… there had been no one to talk to, to help him make sense of her actions, her words, he'd been all alone in enemy territory, and his instincts had screamed at him to run. So he did, always focused on surviving first, figuring things out later.

"There is only one choice, and that is going with Maseo when he heads back to Nanda Parbat. I made a deal with Ra's in exchange for Thea's life. It is time I hold up my end of it." His voice left no space to argue. This was his decision, and it was final, and Felicity seemed to have realized just how set he was on it, given the tears swimming in her beautiful blue eyes and the anguished look behind those. God, if someone could just stab him right now, it would be a lot less painful than this.

"You're getting married, like the actual kind in five weeks, Ollie." Tommy spoke up for the first time since arriving shortly after Maseo had left them alone, probably having waited until he gathered more information before joining the argument. As if he didn't know that. But it didn't matter, not right now, not when there was a very good chance Sara was still suffering at Ra's and his henchmen's hands. Maseo had never said whether her punishment was over or not yet and only his return would free her from the torture she was being subjected to.

"Don't you think I know that, Tommy? But how can I stay here, walk down the aisle in front of the entire city, while a woman is literally being tortured because of me? Tell me, Tommy, how the fuck do you expect me to do that? To just put a tux on and a smile on my face and pretend I don't know that my happiness is causing someone else immeasurable amounts of pain?!" Why didn't they get it? He couldn't just act as if he didn't know what was going on, as if Maseo had never come here and shown him the pictures of her broken and bleeding body. How did they expect him to just keep on living his life while someone else was paying for it in blood?

"Ollie, man, calm down. You're tripping. I get it. You feel responsible for what happened to the League's version of a mail-order bride, but this is not the way to go about it. You're not acting rational right now." Tommy was wrong, it might not look that way but it was actually the first time since he had decided to not heed Sara's warnings and challenge Ra's in order to keep Tommy and Thea save that he was acting rational. Him going back to Nanda Parbat was the only option. If Ra's was willing to put the Beloved through this to get a point across to him, to make him understand what his defiance would cost, there was no telling how far Ra's would be willing to go to get him to come back. And he doubted any of his family or friends would be able to withstand the physical pain Sara was currently being subjected to. She was the strongest person he knew. She'd been a member of the League for years, she'd been subjected to torture before. Her body was a canvas littered in the physical reminders of that.

"How am I supposed to act, Tommy? Knowing that a woman has been tortured for days because of me and that my going back will prevent that from ever happening again, should I just sit back and pretend like her life isn't in my hands right now?" But they didn't need to know that. If it was easier for them to believe his actions were irrational, fine, he'd play along. Getting the point across was still the primary goal. It was crucial. They needed to understand in order to not only let him go, but to not try to come after him and get him back again. They got lucky the last time.

"So, you're just going to leave your life, your family, your fiancée to play house with a wife that was chosen for you by some dude, throwing your life away and being miserable just to keep a stranger from being treated the way she agreed to when she decided to become an assassin and marry you in a forced ceremony? Look her choice, not your problem." Oliver felt the fury return at his best friend's callous words. The man who had called him a murderer years ago was now asking him to just sit back while an innocent woman was being tortured because of him?

"Yes, I am just going to leave it all behind because there is a woman being tortured by people who know how to keep you alive for days, weeks, months, even years if they want to while inflicting the most pain possible. I can't just stay here and do nothing while knowing that an innocent woman is being tortured because I am here and not in Nanda Parbat." How difficult was it to understand that? Why were they refusing to see the facts? To understand why he wasn't willing to pay that price for his freedom? Why he couldn't? Why his conscious wouldn't let him? They held him killing people against him, but now they just expected him to not care about another person being brutally tortured to teach him a lesson? Where was the logic in that way of thinking?

"But that's kind of my point, Ollie, she's not innocent, she's one of Ra's assassins, she's a killer, she made that choice now she's going to have to deal with the outcome and consequences of it, just like dad had to." Of course, Tommy wouldn't be a rational party, not after everything that had happened with Malcolm, who was still being held in a dungeon in Nanda Parbat.

"It's more complicated than that, Tommy! She didn't… it's not… she… no matter what you or anyone else will say, it won't change my mind. She doesn't deserve the punishment she has endured because of me. She didn't ask to get married to me, she didn't have any more of a choice in the matter than I did. Our marriage is an obligation that was forced onto her by Ra's himself. And she took on all the consequences that come with that duty." He wanted to show him the pictures too, wanted Tommy to understand just what Sara had suffered because of him, but he couldn't even if he removed the obvious one of her arm, chances were still that Tommy would recognize her body, her skin was an uniquely painted masterpiece, that was easily recognizable by the people who knew her.

"Okay, well, then let's find another way to help her. If she doesn't want to be there, let's get her out." If only it were that simple and that hadn't been a task he had tried and failed to accomplish for almost three years of his life.

"Whoa, hold on, when did this turn from a 'let's keep Oliver from making a stupid decision an rejoin the murderous cult we barley managed to get him out of the last time' into a 'let's-save-Oliver's-cult-wife' mission?" Of course, Felicity would have objections to this plan. Jesus, as usual, he had no chance of satisfying everyone and make a choice everyone could get behind. Not that it mattered this time. He didn't need anyone to get behind his choice. They couldn't stop him from heading back to Nanda Parbat. Nothing could.

"It doesn't matter. Freeing her isn't even an option. Ra's is never going to let her go." It was the truth, a harsh truth he had refused to believe for too long. Because the truth was too painful, his failure unbearable. It was his fault Sara was part of the League. Because he had let her down, he had broken his promise. He had chosen Slade's life over hers. If it weren't for him, Sara would've never been forced into the League. She would've never had to kill. She'd been free and home years and years ago.

And admitting that he couldn't save her from the League meant calling defeat and admitting to himself that there was no more chance to make things right, not like he had gotten when he had first found her on the Amazo. He had saved her from Ivo, he had freed her and been able to atone for his sins but if he couldn't get her out of the grasp of Ra's if he truly couldn't bring her home… there was no atoning for his sins, there was no making amends, there was only the knowledge that this was his fault and that he had damned her. And it was only fair that he would share her fate. At least they'd be damned together.

Life was always better when they were together. Even Purgatory had been more bearable with Sara by his side.

"Don't be so pessimistic. Let's get to work, figure out a plan. We got you out. So, we'll get her out too." He appreciated Tommy's insistence. It showed just how much he cared about him and that he'd be willing to help him rescue a woman he didn't know just because it was important to him. This was why Tommy had been his best friend, his brother, for as long as he could remember.

"I'm not being pessimistic Tommy, I'm being realistic. She's the beloved, she has Ra's favor, she is one of his best assassins, he is not going to let her go, no matter what. And even if we'd get her out of Nanda Parbat, Ra's would never stop looking for her. He'd hunt us down, and when he'd find us, which he would, he'd kill us all." He understood that now, understood what Sara had been telling him for years, recognized her words to be the truth, and could finally admit to himself that there was no way out of the deal he had made. He'd sold his soul to the devil the same way Sara had years before him in order to survive.

And there was no going back now.

Notes:

As always I would love to hear your thoughts on it and whether or not you liked it.

Chapter title is from the song "Kill for you" by Eminem and Skylar Grey.

Okay and on a different note, I finally managed to watch Stephen Amell's new series Heels, it is currently available for free on YouTube, well the entire first season in the US (Thank you vpn) and it is just amazing. the writing, the acting, they hit it out of the park! Definitely worth a watch, the best thing I've seen on TV in years. Go check it out, give Stephen some love, he deserves it, his performance is great. Also, I'm not a wrestling fan, know nothing about it and don't care about it but the show is just a masterpiece. So, I'm done now, just needed to place that here.