Sunday - time for an update. I think I won't be following a pattern for updates anymore. I'll just upload the chapters when they're ready, which means that I had time to reread them about ten times.
For this chapter, I partly got inspired by two songs: All That You Are by The Goo Goo Dolls and Crack The Shutters by Snow Patrol. So if you know the songs or listen to them (which I highly recommend, because they're great!) you might recognize some phrases I used in this chapter. I might better add them to my disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own these songs either!
One more thing: There's a big time leap in this chapter. I don't like reading them but I had to kill some time so I won't be writing on this story forever. I hope you enjoy and feedback is appreciated as always.
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Castle was tracing small circles on the skin of her hip as she sat in front of him, her head resting against his shoulder with the warm, softly bubbling water surrounding them. They had sat like this in silence for some time now. He could tell her mind was busy again and he couldn't blame her for that. But he longed to know what was going on inside her head. And since he couldn't imagine a more relaxed setup to spark a conversation about what was worrying her, he gave it a try.
"What are you thinking about?" He softly asked and she startled slightly as his words pulled her out of her thoughts. "Oh, just about the job." She answered truthfully, her voice still sounding absentminded. Since they got into the bathtub her mind had wandered from one question to another and got stuck again with the worry about her career. "You're wondering about how it's all gonna work out?" He stated what was obvious and she simply nodded though that was an understatement. He shifted a little behind her to cradle her closer to him. "Care to tell me what exactly worries you the most?"
Kate took a few seconds to search for the right words to open up but struggled to find them. "I guess… Everything? How long will we be able to keep it a secret? Especially with that probation period still going on for almost three months. And then the question of how Captain Gates will react, even when I pass the probation period. I don't think she'll be thrilled that we lied to her for so long. But telling her the truth now isn't an option either." Saying it out loud made it sound even more complicated. Castle nodded. He had thought about all of this too and couldn't figure out a good solution himself.
"So you want to keep it a secret as long as possible?" Kate nodded firmly. "Yes. At least until the probation period is over. Or I'll probably lose even the slightest chance that I can keep my job." In her mind, she added that the longer they kept it a secret, the longer she would have time to find out how to cope with everything ahead of her. He hesitated for a few seconds because he feared what he wanted to say could scare her. "But Kate… Until that probation period is over you'll be sixteen weeks along. I'm not an expert but I believe it could be quite difficult to keep it secret until then. You'll probably start having symptoms soon and well…" He couldn't stop his fingers from carefully tracing over her abdomen.
Kate slightly froze. She didn't know how often he had touched her or even kissed her in that spot his fingers were caressing right now. But now it felt so different and unfamiliar. And it was so strange to think of what he'd just brought up. Just as this morning in the elevator, she wasn't able to imagine herself with a growing belly. But she didn't feel like explaining all of that to him, so she just mumbled "I know." Pushing the conversation away from the scary changes her body would have to go through, she said "But I can try, right?".
Castle nodded and muttered a quiet "Of course" and then they both fell silent again. It took him some time to bring up the courage for his next question. But she seemed willing to at least try to talk things through so he decided to give it a shot. "And after that? Supposed you make it through the probation period, tell Gates the truth and she doesn't kick you out. What is your plan then?" Kate took her time too to find an answer. Her thoughts had never managed to reach that point yet because they always got stuck on the question of how she could get through the probation period. So she just said what was coming to her mind.
"I would like to keep working as long as possible. And then after…" She failed to bring the words over her lips and trusted that he would understand without her having to say it out loud. "I have no idea."
"You know you wouldn't have to work, right?" He knew the answer to this question before she said it. "But I want to! I can't imagine giving up my job." The tone in her voice shifted a little and he could hear a hint of anger and frustration in it. Maybe it was too early to confront her with one of the most sensible subjects and it was better to leave that for later. "I know. But I think it's hard to make that decision now. It might be better to see how things are going." Kate nodded. "Right. Who knows if we'll even make it that far." She remembered a poster she'd seen in the waiting room of the doctor's office. An offer for counseling in case of a miscarriage since it affected one in four women.
Shocked he turned her a little to get her to look at him. "That was not what I meant! Don't say that!" Kate was a little taken aback by his firm tone. "Sorry." She just mumbled and turned back around. Castle couldn't stop the scary thought from invading his mind and slipping from his lips the next moment. "Do you secretly wish that?" His heart was pounding inside his chest and he was sure she could feel it.
Kate didn't answer right away. She didn't want to lie to him. When she had remembered that information she thought for a second that this would be the easiest way out. But now as she thought about it she didn't feel that way anymore. She was far away from being happy about the situation and she struggled to imagine what it would be like in nine months, or even in a few weeks. But still, she didn't want anything to happen to the little black dot, even though she didn't feel any kind of attachment to it yet.
Probably it was because of Castle. He felt so very different about all of it and it gave her hope that she could be feeling the same way too. And she didn't want him to have to face the pain of losing what was already so important to him. She figured she could probably cope with it at this point. But he would be devasted. And no, she didn't want that.
"No, Castle." She softly said and searched for his hand in the water, intertwining her fingers with his. "I do not wish that. But I simply don't feel the same way about all of this as you do." He pulled her hand to his lips and kissed it as he felt relief flooding through his body. "Okay… I can understand that. I think you'll just need a little more time." He sounded almost convincing and she nodded and hoped he was right. Maybe time would help her to find a way to look forward to everything that was going to come.
"You want to get out?" He asked her before her mind could wander off to worrying again. She smiled at him and started to climb out of the tub. He followed her and handed her a bathrobe as he slipped one on himself. As she took it from him she hesitated for a second but then she let the bathrobe sink to the ground. Closing the gap between them she whispered "I don't think I'll need that." No, she needed something different. She wanted to feel something else apart from worry. She slid her hands under his bathrobe that he didn't even have time to close and let her fingers trail up his back.
Her still-wet skin pressed tightly against his let a shiver race down his spine. Unable to resist he copied her movement and let his fingertips gently glide down her back. His lips in her hair he whispered. "Are you sure, I thought you had too much on your mind to…" She slightly turned her head to kiss him and he returned it without any reluctance. Pulling apart for a second she murmured "I would love you to help me free my mind." Her hands came to rest on his hips and pulled him even tighter against her.
Even if he'd wanted to, he couldn't deny that request. With one hand tangled in her hair, he started to kiss her passionately while he let his other hand roam over her body. Her hands wandered around to his front and she let them slide up and down his thighs, just missing the spot where he desperately wanted them to be. Shrugging the bathrobe off his shoulders, he tried to slowly push her backward into the bedroom. When she stumbled slightly over the clothes on the floor he picked her up and carried her towards the bed, not for a second parting his lips from hers.
As he laid her down her hands started roaming over his body again and this time she didn't hesitate to take him into her hands. Stroking him and at the same time kissing his lips she felt him pulling her further onto the bed until he was able to lower his body down on hers. Covering her neck and breasts with kisses he let his hand find the spot between her legs. Caressing her with his fingertips there was no doubt she was ready. And he wasn't willing to wait any longer.
He placed his hips between her legs and she parted them for him. Letting himself slide along the damp space a few times he groaned. This already felt so good. And knowing that he would get to feel her again without anything between them in just a few moments aroused him more than anything else. As she felt him placing himself to join their bodies she thought a little bitterly that at least the need for protection was over.
But then there was no more room for thoughts. With a slow, smooth movement he pushed himself inside of her. She caught her breath at the sensation of being connected like this again. The feeling was incredible. She felt like she was all his and nothing in this world could pull them apart in this moment. And as he started moving she finally felt her mind stopping to turn and her instincts taking over. She shifted her hips to allow him to reach as deep inside of her as possible.
He took up his pace and felt a little dizzy from the pure feeling her body underneath his caused him. The friction of their wet skin against each other, her chest rising and sinking with panting breaths, the low uncontrolled noises escaping her lips. He couldn't take in everything of her at once and yet he felt absolutely consumed by her. He got pulled out of the daze that was already carrying him close to the edge, as she pushed him over to the side and before he could even realize what had happened she sat on top of him, never breaking their connection.
His breathing stopped as he looked at her. Her damp and wavy hair fell around her face and down her neck as she arched her back and leaned her head back. Her eyes closed and her lips slightly parted everything he was feeling was written on her face too. As she moved the remaining rays of the evening light tangled up around her face and got caught in her hair, leaving it to shine in countless shades of brown and gold. Her curves were weathered by the soft light and with each of her movements it reflected in another way on her damp skin. He felt like he could stare at her for hours and there would still never be enough time to see all of her.
Each of her movements felt like she was lifting them both a little higher and still he couldn't tear his gaze away from her. He saw the tension in her body rising, her muscles tightening, and when she reached her climax he could see the waves of ecstasy washing over her body. Now it was too much to take and as he felt those waves crashing down on him too he needed to close his eyes. But the feeling that this was the closest he would ever get to feeling all that was her remained.
He pulled her into his arms to savor that feeling for as long as possible and kept his eyes closed until he could feel her looking at him. Turning his head and opening his eyes he met the look of those green and still hazel-coloured eyes that he'd looked into a thousand times before. And still, he felt like they would keep surprising him every time he looked at them for the rest of his life.
What Castle had said while they were talking about the chances of keeping her pregnancy a secret proved to be true within the next couple of weeks. Kate hadn't quite believed him after another week had passed after their talk where she hadn't felt any different at all. With quite a lot of effort, they had managed to close the case of the dead Jefferson family member. And while the investigation had kept her busy with countless interrogations and even more paperwork she rarely got the chance to think about it over the day. But when she lay awake at night, she figured that maybe she was one of those women who wouldn't even notice they were pregnant before a test, or in her case a doctor, told them. But a few days later she had to learn the hard way that she had been wrong.
It had started when they had spent a night at her place because Alexis had some friends over. When she woke up she had already felt like something was off. And then, when she got out of bed to take a shower it had just overcome her and instead of the shower she had to run for the toilet. Castle had come up to her and tenderly stroked her back. She had tried to send him out of the room but he didn't move one inch. He had said that this was a good sign that the baby was developing well but she couldn't share that enthusiasm at all.
What followed were two weeks of this scenario repeating every morning. She had tried eating crackers in bed before she got up because Castle read somewhere that might help, but it didn't use anything. At least she managed to get through most of the days without having to throw up again but altogether she felt terrible. She was tired and nauseous and there was always something aching. Her head, her breasts, or sometimes her stomach. That was what made her feel uncomfortable the most.
Especially in the evenings, she could feel a tugging pain in her lower abdomen. It didn't hurt bad but it reminded her that something was happening inside of her body. And even though she had known what was happening for almost four weeks now it still felt bizarre to her. She didn't say anything about that feeling to Castle because for him it was very much the opposite. He seemed to be more happy with every passing day. She tried her best to talk herself into feeling that way too but she just couldn't help it. Her head knew there was a baby growing inside of her. And she had come to terms with that, even if the thought was frightening and strange. But when she thought of it she barely felt anything apart from the worry and fear she'd been feeling ever since that day at the doctor's office. And because she knew she should be feeling at least some way of affection by now, the fact that she didn't, scared her even more.
These thoughts were another thing she didn't talk about to Castle. What use would it have? He couldn't change how she was feeling and she didn't want to ruin his happiness. So she pretended to be fine with everything the best she could. It helped a little to be at work where she had to pretend nothing was different anyway. Luckily that worked surprisingly well. The job distracted her and enjoyed seeing their team slowly grow together again. Ryan and Esposito had started to talk to each other again and it was almost like it had been before the events on the rooftop. When she was at work she could often push away the worry of what was to come and how she felt like she was already failing as a mother because she couldn't bring herself to feel anything for the child she was carrying.
But at night, when Castle cuddled up to her and put his hand over her stomach there was no chance of denying it. Sometimes the bitter thought crossed her mind that this child would at least have one caring parent. And sometimes Castle was soundly asleep beside her while she stared at the ceiling wondering if it was fair to bring a child into the world that she apparently couldn't love. In these moments she thought of her mother and how she had never felt a doubt that her mother loved her more than anything in the world. Kate longed for the possibility of talking to her, asking her if she had ever doubted her feelings for her child. Ask her if she thought she could manage to be a mother. But she couldn't ask her all those things and it made her miss her more than anytime before in her life.
And because she didn't want to talk to Castle and nobody else knew about her pregnancy and she didn't want to change that, Kate just swallowed down all her worries and thoughts and kept going. And so the day of her next doctor's appointment came along. She was once again sitting on the bathroom floor after her morning date with the toilet, her head leaning against the cold tiles of the wall. She had known this appointment was coming up for two weeks now but now that it was there she didn't feel ready for it at all.
She damned herself that she had scheduled it for after work and not just early in the morning to get over with it. Now she would have to get through the whole day where even the most complex case wouldn't stand a chance against the fear and anxiety she was feeling. As she finally managed to leave the bathroom still feeling queasy and walked out into the living room of the loft she saw Castle preparing breakfast in the kitchen. The happy smile plastered on his face didn't make it any better for her. And today she didn't even try to hide her feelings since she knew there was no chance to conceal them anyway.
He looked up at her and just kept on smiling. "Oh good, you're better. Do you want something to eat?" She slightly shook her head. "Still not feeling good?" He asked and his voice was so caring that she felt bad for declining his offer for breakfast. She sat at the counter and shrugged her shoulders. Looking at her he could tell it wasn't just the nausea that was bugging her this morning. He reached out for her hand and gave her a reassuring smile. "Don't worry. Everything will be fine. And I'll be there with you all the time."
She forced herself to give him a little smile. She didn't know whether the thought of him coming with her to the appointment made her feel better or worse. Just as he opened his mouth to tell her how much he was looking forward to the appointment and what a great experience it would be to see their baby Alexis came down the stairs and Kate was more than thankful for the interruption. Alexis and her had grown to truly appreciate each other and she enjoyed the young woman being around. But since they hadn't told anybody what was going on yet, not even his family, her appearance made Castle close his mouth again.
"Good morning, guys," Alexis said while walking over to the kitchen, and stretching her arms. Castle shot Kate a glance but she just slightly shook her head. She knew Castle struggled to keep such an important secret from his daughter but she had been able to convince him to wait at least until after her appointment today. He looked a little disappointed but accepted that she hadn't changed her mind and didn't want to tell her sooner. But honestly, the last thing she wanted right now was to add another stressful factor to this already complicated day.
"Kate, aren't you going to be late?" Alexis asked and Kate was slightly startled before looking at her watch. She was right. Sitting on the bathroom floor, trying to convince herself she could make it through the day without a nervous breakdown had stolen a lot of time. "Oh, yes! I need to go!" She got up and grabbed her bag. "You can have this, I didn't touch it." She pushed the plate with breakfast Castle had made her over to her and gave Alexis a warm smile, which she returned. "Thanks." Kate turned to leave and shot one last warning glare at Castle to keep his mouth shut. "I'll come after you soon." He said, ignoring the look on her face. "Okay," Kate mumbled and hurried to get out of the room.
Alexis looked after her and then over to her father, a puzzled look on her face. "Everything all right between the two of you? Kate seemed a little tense." Castle dismissed his daughter's concerns with a wave of his hand. "Oh, nothing to worry about. She's just a little stressed about the current case. I think tomorrow she'll be in a better mood already." He hoped that at least the second part of his answer wasn't a lie. Alexis just nodded and didn't question it any further.
While she started to eat her food Castle looked at the door which Kate had just shut behind her and suppressed a sigh. He knew she wasn't entirely honest with him about what was going on in her mind. He wasn't dumb and he knew her well enough to see she hid a lot of her feelings from him. But he also knew pushing her to open up would probably just cause the opposite. She was stressed about the appointment today. She had already been a little absent and lost in thoughts in the days coming up to today. Thinking about how uneasy she must be feeling and that he couldn't help her with it made him feel sorry. He just hoped he was right and when the appointment was over she could relax and her perspective would shift a little.