Arthur woke up from another restless sleep to the soft nudging of George, his new manservant.
The servant treated him as one would expect from a servant; with discipline, obedience and a lack of any eye contact.
He opened his eyes and sat up in his bed , noticing the non existent bright smile and big ears and the deprivation of a " rise and shine ". He sighed then nodding to the servant that he service won't be needed till supper, At the first few weeks George insisted that he should remain to assist the king with his needs, but seeing that Arthur could barely handle his presence he took the hint and tried to lay low.
Moving to stand up and start his day , the cold floor touching his feet almost made him go back to his bed, But Kings don't take breaks so he reluctantly left the warm bed. Arthur went to stand infront of the windows of his rooms, it was after dawn and the sun was already clear in the sky , the people in the courtyard went about their day as they normally would , servants and guards going in and out of the citadel, merchants moving in and out of the gates and children playing around acting as knights of camelot using sticks as their swords.
the people of camelot were blissfully unaware of the turmoil that their sovereign was in.
Looking out of the window Arthur seemed to stare deeply at a far point in the woods almost longingly.
It was as if the king was trapped here, in his own kingdom.
the memory always comes back to haunt his dreams and remind him of what happened exactly six months ago.
It was all a mistake , as Arthur continually likes to repeat in his mind , one big awful mistake.
And that mistake was Arthur's undoing.
After he and the knights came back from their quest in Ismere, the injuries sustained there kept him bedridden for a long span of two weeks. He kept going in and out of consciousness, feeling drowsy and frustrated and another long list of uncomfortable feelings.
He remembers questioning where his manservant was. not George no. But Mer- , his previous manservant.
He also remembers Gaius staring at him dead in the eyes , his eyes transmitting undertones of anger, disappointment and sadness.
" He's fine Sire, just recuperating." said Gaius in a flat tone.
Arthur huffed in annoyance then ignoring all the signs that pointed out that something else was going on. He didn't know why he did this , but he didn't even ask about his servant's wellbeing or what he was recuperating from.
And that was his first mistake.
Thinking back now Arthur remembered that his ex-manservant got hit with a spell from Morgana in the cave and dropped unmoving.
He later found out that he left him for the dead , alone and vulnerable to all the terrors that could befall him while in that state.
After he was cleared from his injuries, Arthur returned to his duties and resumed checking all the delayed council meeting agendas. He was angry and irritated all the same that he the king was up and about while the servant was still lazing about in bed.
'Where is that idiot?' he kept thinking.
When he got fed up of his absence he stumbled in rage to Gaius' chambers and demanded Gaius of his where abouts. But Gaius had nothing to say for him , no tavern journeys , no gathering herbs. Nothing.
Nothing but an empty room and a letter.
"He left this for you" said Gaius.
~~~
Arthur,
It pains me that things reached this point but i can no longer handle being treated that way by everyone i regarded highly in my heart ; being seen as an invalid, as only a servant, a shadow.
You often left me behind one too many times and every one of those times , I wholeheartedly tried to defend your stand. But alas , i know now that it was excuses i kept telling myself because i refused to see the truth as it was.
I always focused on keeping you alive , caring about no one and nothing else , even my self; especially my self.
In all those years i lived for you that now i forgot how to live without you ; but no more. I can't do this anymore.
I blame you for you did this , Arthur.
It is you who abandoned me.
I once told you that i would be happy to be your servant till the day i die , but you all left me for the dead already. And now my faith in you is no longer enough to keep me Arthur.
Despite all of this unfortunate events , i have no doubt that you will lead this kingdom to prosperity and will only continue to thrive towrads the great destiny that is awaiting you.
And i'm only sorry that i won't be by your side to witness it.
I will be leaving camelot.
I hope you find it in yourself to forgive me as i have forgiven you.
Be well Arthur.
-Merlin.
~~~
Reading this letter once , twice then too many times that he memorized every word by heart. His first reaction was to stare wide eyed to Gaius and ask the one question that kept nagging him " Did i really leave him behind that many times? ".
Gaius nodded his head sadly then turned his back to him in dismissal.
He was left to stumble back the way he came in a haze, his mind playing all said times that he left the latter behind.
What was worse that he didn't remember doing those misdeeds.
He didn't even deserve to apologize in Mer- his eyes and so to punish himself he chose not look for him , he figured that he didn't even deserve to say his name again.
He gave up way to easily.
He let him go.
And that was his second mistake.
~~~
And so Arthur found himself walking the corridors of his castle everyday, ignoring everyone who wanted his attention , he looked to them like he was searching for something in those walks he frequently took these months. but from his hollowed face it seemed that the king never found what he was searching for.
None but Arthur's close friends knew that the king searched everday desperately for a presence that no longer exists in camelot.
If the people around Arthur noticed that he always looked to his right after almost every sentence he said only for his face to crumble in agony no one said anything about it.
He looked back from his windows to the now cold breakfast on the table. He didn't want to eat alone. but Guinevere haven't been joining him in his chambers for a while now , she prefers returning to sleep at her private quarters , saying she didn't want to disturb him in the few hours of rest he can take , he found that he is not actually as upset about it as he should be , it was strange.
Guinevere too blamed him for what has happened , actually everyone did and he couldn't fault any of them.
He wasn't that oblivious not to notice that his wife wasn't as busy as she claims but intentionally avoiding him. he was the king and he still found time to return to his chambers at a suitable hour , surely his wife could too , that if she wanted to of course.
and that only meant one thing ; she doesn't.
It was one of the many problems that seemed to scream for his attention in the back of his mind- and yet he couldn't find it in himself to care. it's like everything lost its significance. He still cares deeply about his wife and loves her but he will leave her be for now , they both needed their space as things haven't been the same since Mer- , since he left.
and that was the core of the problem wasn't it? that he just couldn't adjust to this new normal.that he is gone. left camelot.
He proclaimed in his letter that he felt that he was being seen as an invalid and now Arthur discovered that he too felt like an invalid without his steady presence.
He walked back and sat on his desk putting his head in his hands, he made a wish, a pray.
"i want him back" he said loudly to no one in particular.