Oh, Lord, forgive my weary hands and for what they may do
Notes:
My muse seems to be stuck on this story right now. Might simply be because I've been sick and this doesn't require any actual research right now.
"Oliver?" Sara wasn't sure if she could believe her eyes, if she could trust what she saw. Not that they had used mind games or drugs on her this time. No, it hadn't been about trying to break her. It had been simple physical punishment. She had been submitted to the consequences of their actions. Everyone in Nanda Parbat might claim differently that she was being punished for Ollie's choices and that might be true, but she was the reason he did defy Ra's and go against the deal he had made. She had played him, and he had reacted exactly like she had known he would, hoped he would. Counted on.
Why was he here? Now?
Wasn't he getting married to his secretary, or personal assistant, or whatever soon? Or had they already gotten married? She had lost all track of time a while ago and didn't really have a chance to keep up with the Star City gossip magazines. His future wife was cute, not his usual type, but she could see the appeal, sort of. And she was happy for him. This was what she wanted, for him to live his life, to be happy. To enjoy his freedom for as long as it lasted and to make the most out of it.
So, what was he doing here? And why now?
Her neck and head and everything else hurt, so it took her a moment to gather enough strength to turn her head just slightly to look past Ollie and who she saw answered her questions. Sarab. Maseo Yamashiro. Ollie's old friend. Of course. But if Maseo had left to let Ollie know what was going on, what his defiance meant for her, Ra's must have known. He was weary of Sarab; he always kept an extra pair of eyes on him since he had helped Ollie's team enter the hidden fortress almost a year ago. So either Ra's sent Sarab to let Ollie know, or Ra's had known what Sarab was doing and let him get Ollie. Either way, Ra's wanted Ollie here now.
But why? That wasn't what they had agreed on.
Ra's had agreed to her terms when he had told her she was to marry Ollie. She had asked him for a favor in return; it was part of the tradition; the bride had no say in who she was to marry, but she could ask one thing of Ra's in return and he usually gave them whatever they asked for, as long as it was within reason, in exchange for the blind loyalty and obedience they were expected to offer their new husband, not that their loyalty to Ra's was not to come first, but still, to some degree they were the property of their husbands.
Marriage in Nanda Parbat was rare, and it was mostly used as a tool on Ra's end, either as a reward for an assassin or sometimes as a favor, or a bargaining chip, like she had been for Ollie. Something to sweeten a deal. Not that Ollie would ever view her as his property or anything less but his equal, but that was not the point. While the wives in the League were their husband's property, they were still highly regarded by all, because to be chosen as a wife was a testament to your loyalty, Ra's only chose women he knew were devoted and completely loyal to him. Women who knew their place, their duties and the expectations put upon them and who would shoulder those without complaint.
She knew those were all reasons a good number of members were affronted when Ra's chose her to become the wife of Warith al Ghul. Just as they had been when she became the Mahbub after Ra's had given her his favor. She knew how unpopular she was with a significant amount of members; them believing she was being treated favorably because of Nyssa's feelings for her, but Ra's didn't care about that, so why should she? That belief was also the farthest thing from the truth. While Ra's respected her as one of his assassins, her involvement with Nyssa had always been something he had not agreed with. A thorn in his side, actually. He had not been supportive of them as a couple, but he knew how to separate personal and business issues.
And yet, he had put her through a hell far beyond her imagination even after the Amazo and Lian Yu, at the beginning of her time in the League and after he had learnt why Nyssa had chosen to take her to Nanda Parbat instead of letting her go somewhere on China's mainland. In hopes of finding her way back home.
He had not agreed with Nyssa's choice and believed her to be unworthy of joining the League, especially since Nyssa's only reason for bringing her here had been because she was in love with her. And she had proven them all wrong. She had withstood everything Ra's had thrown at her. She had worked harder than anyone on surviving and becoming someone worthy of the League. And she had been loyal to Ra's, in the end; she had stayed here; she had not once tried to escape. She hadn't returned to her family as she had been longing to for longer than any of them knew. She had kept Ollie at arm's lengths and had managed to keep him away from Nanda Parbat for almost three years.
His stepping foot within the fortress had had nothing to do with her. No, that had been all on Ra's and Malcolm, for using Malcolm's children as a bargaining chip. She might have been able to get Ollie to stay out of her decisions where the League was concerned, grudgingly and with a lot of repeated arguments, but still, in the end, Ollie had respected her wishes and choices, no matter how difficult it had been for him. But there was no way he'd stay out of any situation that could potentially become dangerous or lethal for his baby sister or brother in all but name. While her loyalty might have been slightly split between Ollie and the League, she'd always choose Ollie if it came down to it, she had never not been loyal to Ra's. It had cost her so much, more than… she knew where her loyalties needed to lie, had known from the moment she had met Ra's;
There was no choice, complete loyalty, or death.
And she hadn't survived what she had survived, just do die because of disloyalty. No. She had been loyal and obedient and done everything that was asked of her. She was one of Ra's best assassins. She was the wife of the future Ra's al Ghul, she was the Beloved, she was doing her duty. And this was why he had granted her her request. Because he knew how much she'd been struggling at the beginning or when she had been sent to Starling after Ra's heard a rumor about Malcolm, and he had wanted her to get to the bottom of it. He knew how very difficult it had been for her to be so close to her family yet stay away. Leave them in the belief she was dead, while watching their pain and grief. And this was why she was being rewarded, so to speak, with her marriage to the man who was meant to take over the League one day.
She had fought for this; she had bled for this; she had sacrificed so much for this. None of it had been handed to her, no matter what some League members might believe. Everything Ra's has given to her up to this point had been earned, including the compromise the night before her wedding.
He had given her his word. Ollie should not be here, not now. Not yet. He was granted more time. He was supposed to be free still.
"Sara." Her name wasn't much more than a sigh, yet it sounded like a prayer uttered on an exhale and as always, Ollie managed to put so much emotion into the one short word that was the name she was given by her parents. No one said her name the way he did. As if it was the most important word in the English language.
It sounded almost as if her name was the first breath he took in weeks, as if he had been holding his breath until this very moment. God, her mind was so messed up right now.
Everything was muddled and focusing on anything at all was difficult, had been for a while now, she knew her eyes must be swollen given the limited view they granted, so it took her a moment to realize he was no longer standing in the entrance of her cell but had walked towards her and was now down on his hunches right in front of her. Close enough to touch.
"Sara, my Pretty Bird." His hand tenderly touched her face, brushing away the hair that was falling into it given the position the chains wrapped around her wrists and hanging from the ceiling had her in. Everything hurt, her neck, her shoulders, her legs… she knew if the chains weren't holding her up, she'd fall over and probably wouldn't be able to use her arms to push herself back up. Her arms had been numb for ages.
Her eyes closed on their own accord as soon as his calloused hand brushed her skin. He was so soft, barely touching her skin, making sure he wouldn't aggravate her wounds and hurt her. God, he was always so careful with her, almost as if he were worried she'd break if he applied too much pressure. She was so tired. Sara let her head fall further down, shifting slightly so she could let it rest on his broad shoulder. She was just so tired.
Sara felt his lips brush her temple right before her arms were released from their bounds and dropped down. She imagined it probably looked like a rag doll, or a pupped that got its strings cut. Sara's entire body fell forward into him, unable to hold herself up now that the restraints holding her in place were removed, incapable of moving any body part at all. She was completely at his mercy.
Ollie softly wrapped his arms around her, shifting her carefully until he could lift her up, carrying her bridal style out of her cell. That was the last thing she registered before her lids became too heavy and darkness took her over, trusting Ollie to take care of her. Knowing he would keep her safe wherever he took her, she wouldn't get hurt again. He wouldn't let anyone touch her. Not if he could help it.
It took Sara a minute after she woke up to realize she was no longer being held up by the chains wrapped around her wrist but laying down on a soft surface. And another to comprehend it was the bed in her and Ollie's room. And that he was sitting next to the bed, looking straight at her. It looked like he had moved the armchair from the corner of the room next to their bed. This made her wonder how long she'd been out. If he felt the need to redecorate their room so he had an option to sit close by their bed while she was unconscious, it meant it must have been at least several hours since he had moved her from her cell back to their room.
"Hey." His voice was quiet. It had a hoarse tint to it, yet the soft smile playing across his lips and the slight twinkle in his eyes was genuine. He looked relieved. Yeah, she must have been out for quite a bit if it had him that worried.
"Ollie." Her voice was rough, and her throat felt scratchy. She shifted slightly and lifted her head a little. Still unsure if she was seeing things or not.
"Here, let me." Ollie moved forward on the chair, leaned towards the bedside table and then helped her lift her head high enough for him to help her take a couple of sips of the warm, sweet tea he had gotten for her. It felt nice and eased some of the scratchiness in her throat. He carefully laid her head back down on the pillow before slowly pulling his hand back out from under it and placing the cup back where he had gotten it from.
He stood up from the armchair and walked out of her line of sight, making her wonder where he went, and why he was leaving her alone. Both questions were answered the moment he stepped back into her vision, with a basin in his hands and a towel over his shoulder. He placed both items on the armchair and removed the washcloths from within the pottery. He wrung it until the water stopped dropping from it before facing her again.
"May I?" she carefully nodded her head watching him intensely while Ollie softly and carefully began to first wash her face, then down her neck, he stopped at the edge of her shirt, searching her eyes again in a silent question, she once again nodded her head to give him permission to remove her clothes and clean the rest of her body, something he proceeded to do after, he left and changed the water three times, before finishing the task and gently drying her off.
The warm water had felt nice, even though it had stung in several places given the open wounds on her body, two of which had been her wrists where the metal holding her up had been wrapped around, and she was grateful for his actions, she felt a lot better now that she was clean. Ollie had been mindful of her injuries and she knew he had taken note of every single one of them and just how bad they were, so she wasn't surprised when he returned after having put the basin away and brought everything that was needed to take care of her wounds with him. He once again took his time taking care of her body and wounds, wrapping both of her chafed wrists in bandages after he had applied a salve on the red wristbands decorating them, and carefully dressing her in one of his shirts and a pair of his pajama pants, once he was done bandaging her sore and broken body. He pulled the down blanket over her and kissed her forehead once he was done.
Why was he so nice, so soft and sweet and kind to her? After everything she had done to him, the way she had treated him the night before he left Nanda Parbat almost a year ago.
Why? Why wasn't he mad? He should be. He had every right to be. And maybe he was, beneath all that worry and fear for her. She didn't even want to know what she looked like after what she was sure had been weeks of torture. The look on his face said enough. It was bad, bad enough to put those worry lines around his eyes and on his forehead, bad enough to darken the blue of his eyes just the slightest bit, bad enough to make his touch linger just the tiniest bit. Yes, she was sure she looked horrible, the throbbing in her body almost confirming her thoughts.
The torture had been painful, of course, but it hadn't been anything she hadn't been subjected to before. It was almost less even, at least certain aspects of previous instances fell away. Because it would have been disrespectful to use them against the wife of Warith al Ghul. To defile her, so to speak. They also hadn't subjected her to drugs and mind games this time.
So, yes, the torture had been brutal, but it had been nothing compared to the look on Ollie's face when she purposely picked a fight with him and then after throwing that last very, very low blow at him, just walked out on him, on them, on everything she had wanted since she was like fifteen years old.
God, she had wanted to die at the anguish reflected in those gorgeous eyes of his. And knowing she was the one who had inflicted that pain and, even worse on purpose, had almost been too much. It had made her sick to her stomach. She'd left their room and walked just far enough to be sure he wouldn't find her if he'd, for some crazy reason, decided to come after her and thrown up, which had led to tears falling from her eyes. The eventual dry heaving had turned into uncontrollable sobbing at the knowledge that Ollie would've been in less pain had she just used a knife and inflicted physical pain on him instead of the emotional one she had chosen. Because even now, and knowing that physical pain would've caused far less damage than the one she had inflicted on him, she knew she'd never be able to hurt him physically.
She had known it was the right thing to do, the only thing she could do to get him to leave. He had already stayed far longer than he was meant to. It had never been the plan for him to stay in Nanda Parbat after their wedding. Longer than his friends who had been escorted out of the fortress the day after their wedding, of course, but not six weeks. He was meant to leave shortly after his friends. It had taken her a while to realize that Ra's was not the reason, that Ra's had upheld his end of the bargain and told Ollie that he was not yet needed in Nanda Parbat, that he was free to leave and live his life, until he was called upon by him and that he had to return, when he was asked to.
Once she had gathered that piece of information from Ra's himself, once she had learnt that the reason Ollie was still in Nanda Parbat was out of his own free will, she had panicked. He wasn't supposed to be here. She had never wanted him to be here. She had negotiated his freedom, at least for the foreseeable future, and yet here he was still, damned like her. A ghost like her, instead of alive, free in their home with their family and his friends.
It was the morning before she picked the fight that she knew for sure why he was still here, that she was the reason he hadn't left yet. They'd been lying in their bed, her head had been resting on his chest, legs intertwined, his hand had been stroking her hair and he had this specific, soft look in his eyes while watching her, that gentle smile of his lighting up his face, while talking about their future. Part of her had wanted the picture his words were creating, but at the same time the icy hands of dread were squeezing her heart at the realization that she was damning him, that he was about to throw his life away for her. Give up his freedom, his friends, his family, Speedy for her. Because of her. To be with her.
He was about to do the one thing she had refused to let him do the past three years, the one thing she didn't want him to do. She couldn't let him do this, couldn't let him waste his life away with her, couldn't let him become a ghost like her. Ollie still had a light inside of him that shone even brighter than the sun and he needed someone who could harness that light and it wasn't her, that would never be her. And Nanda Parbat was not a place that harnessed light, no it was a place that snuffed the light out. She had looked in the eyes of the devil seven years ago, and she had given him her soul. She refused to let Ollie do the same. He deserved someone better than her, someone who wouldn't douse that beautiful light, tarnish that amazing soul of his. She just loved him too much to be with him, if being with him meant damning him. Ollie deserved better, he deserved so much more than she or Nanda Parbat could give him, and while the freedom might be temporary, she did manage to get him several more years away from Nanda Parbat and Ra's al Ghul. Just as long as he returned when he was called upon.
Something he had failed to do several weeks ago which had led to her predicament, but given it not even having been a year since he had left, while having been granted years before taking on the role of Ra's al Ghul, she couldn't fault him for his refusal. Hell, she still wasn't sure why he was here now, why Ra's had summoned him. But it didn't matter, not right now, at least. Not yet.
So she had done the only thing she knew to do; she had lashed out. She had full on verbally attacked him. She'd exploited his weaknesses and then gone for the jugular, turning his fears against him and blaming him for things that weren't his fault. She'd done everything she could to get him to hate her, so he would leave, go back home to Starling and live his life in the sun, as he should instead of the darkness that was the League. And it had worked, like she knew it would. It had almost killed her. She hated nothing more than hurting Ollie. And hurting Ollie meant hurting herself.
Knowing just how much she had hurt him had made her sick to her stomach. Just thinking about it now made her want to throw up again.
But the end justified the means, and she had been successful. Learning about his engagement about six months ago had only solidified her belief that she had done the right thing, that he'd be better off without her. That he had moved on easily. It had hurt so much but she could deal with the pain, if her pain meant his happiness, she'd be fine. Only now, looking at him, the way he was taking care of her, she wasn't as sure of it as she had been before while staring at the picture of him and Felicity.
Sara knew Ollie loved her, of course she did. But she'd thought… god… maybe she was just as much a fool as he was. She loved him more than anything in the world and all she wanted was for him to live the best life he could, to be the happiest he could be and… she never meant for him to learn about her survival, she never meant for him to learn about the League, she never meant for him to set foot in Nanda Parbat. Yet here he was…
And Nanda Parbat had never felt more like home than during the time Ollie had been here with her.
Her head was hurting from all those thoughts, so was her heart and her eyes were burning. Sara wasn't sure if it was because of how exhausted she was or remembering the pain she had caused them both. In the end, it didn't really matter. She was tired, too tired to think about any of this any longer. She knew they were going to have to talk about it at some point. But not right now.
It was only once Ollie returned to the bed; he had changed into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, and laid down next to her, gently pulling her into his arms, placing her head right above his heart that she let the sound of its beating lull her to sleep.
They were alright for tonight. Everything else could wait until her body was no longer aching all over.
They were together. That was all that mattered at the moment. He had come back for her. He had saved her. He had taken care of her. She could work with that. It was going to be alright. They were going to be alright. Ollie was here. Ollie still loved her, and in the end, that was the only thing that truly mattered.
Notes:
I would love to hear your thoughts and hope this might help clear up some questions, lol. And that Sara's actions make sense.
I took some liberties concerning the League and some of their traditions, so to speak. Blame it on an alternate universe or different earth or whatever if it conflicts with the way the League was depicted in the comics.
Chapter title is from the song "Kill for you" by Eminem and Skylar Grey.