We might have loved each other too much And maybe that's what made us do what We did to each other, all the screw-ups Every time we fought, the insults, they got thrown too far Words that we said that we didn't mean

Notes:

I don't know... not sure I'm happy about this but it's been lying around for a while and I added to it today and I feel this is the best I can do right now and I really felt like posting something... work has been crazy the last month or so and I've been sick but I felt like writing and posting so here it is...

"I can't believe you lied to me!" It took exactly ninety-seven hours for their unspoken truce to end and Ollie's anger to win over all the other emotions he'd been dealing with. His concern for her had faded, given her physical improvements and his sudden outburst didn't surprise her at all, she was rather impressed with how long it had taken for his anger to win over and come to the surface, she'd known it was boiling just beneath his skin and his worry about her and that it was only a matter of time for it to take precedence.

"And I can't believe how easily you bought my lies!" The way he phrased it pissed her off though and was the main reason she turned the accusation around, taking the blame he tried to put on her and flip it on him and with that effectively turning this into an actual argument instead of a short fight to let him blow off some steam while giving him the chance to just give voice to his anger and accepting it as justified, which it was, had she stayed quiet. But there was just something in the tone he used, the way he acted as if she alone were at fault, as if the blame was solely on her instead of both of them that just rubbed her the wrong way. Yes, she might have lied to him, but it had been way too fucking easy. He hadn't even questioned her, he had just believed everything she had said. So, no, she wasn't the only one at fault here. Had he not been so fucking ignorant about her lies, things might have turned out differently.

It made her wonder what he thought of her, how he saw her now and the person he believed her to be. Who he thought she'd become.

He should've known her better than that. It was pretty insulting that he had just believed everything she had said, and that he had thought she really had meant all of it; felt that way about him. That she was this heartless.

And yes, she had exploited his weaknesses and cut into his fears, even so, you'd think he'd at least question her a little instead of just buying it and walking out on her. Even if that had been her primary goal, and she had hoped he'd react like that, it had still stung a little, still did. He should know her better than that by now. He should know what he meant to her, just how much she loved him. That there was nothing she wouldn't do for him. And he hadn't just walked out on her, he'd walked straight into the arms of another woman. That action had cut deeper than he would ever know, than she would ever admit to anyone, especially him. He didn't need to know. As far as she was concerned, he would never learn just how much that action had hurt, how devastated she had been, and just how many tears she had cried because of it.

Learning about his relationship with his girl Friday had been another knife to her heart. She still wasn't sure if the one she had stabbed herself with or the one he'd added had hurt more. Finding out how fast he had replaced her, how easily he had moved on from her, from them, had been excruciating. But also felt like a confirmation that she had done the right thing, made the right choice by pushing him away.

Even if she hadn't been sure how she was supposed to handle the situation once Ra's called him back and expected them to be the future of the League and stay true to their vows, but she had figured it would be years from now and hopefully the wound had scabbed over by then. And she'd be alright with once again not being the one he'd chosen if it were up to him, to once again be the second choice, the secret, the other woman. Even if she was his first wife, she wasn't the woman he had chosen to marry and spend the rest of his life with. No, he'd been forced into it. He had married her under duress. Not because he wanted to marry her, but because it was the only chance to keep Thea safe, at least in his eyes. Their marriage was a means to an end.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Sara had always known that she wasn't wife material, never had been and never would be. She wasn't the type of woman a man married. She was the one they'd enjoy until they were ready to settle down. She wasn't the type of woman you'd take home to the parents. She wasn't the good girl that would make an appropriate wife. Sara had known that all the way back to when she had first realized she had a crush on Ollie in her early teens. Yes, she had known she wasn't the type of reputable girl Moira and Robert wanted Ollie to get married to. She was the exact opposite. And that hadn't changed in all the years since then. She still was the kind of girl boys were being warned about, the one for a good time but not to settle down with. Settling down was something they'd choose women like Laurel for.

The knowledge that he was building a life with another woman had felt akin to hell, even if it was what she had wanted; for him to live his life, to move on, to be happy. It had still cut so deep, and the knowledge that it was her own damn fault, her own doing that had led to this hadn't helped at all. Neither had the old doubts that had slipped in, questioning his feelings for her, wondering if she would've been enough for him, or if he would've left her eventually anyway because she wasn't good enough, because she still couldn't measure up, even less now than she did before the Gambit, because she was tainted and broken and just so damaged beyond repair and impossible to save. That maybe the reason he had taken her words at face value, had left her so easily had been because she had given him an out, a perfect excuse to break up with her without actually breaking up with her. A way for him not to be the one inflicting pain and avoid a confrontation and talking about his feelings, all things he hated doing.

It was stupid, and she knew it, there was no denying just how much she meant to Ollie, how much he loved her, he had proven that fact to her time and again over the past eight years, and still… the same old doubts she'd had back when their affair had started and he had still been with Laurel; beautiful, intelligent, perfect Laurel took over her mind. Making her question everything she knew to be true about him, about them, about his complete and utter devotion towards her. Ollie had been willing to die for her more times than she could count, he'd killed for her, he'd lied for her, he shouldered the burden of her secret and carried it with him, not revealing it to anyone while the weight he was carrying because of her had almost crushed him at times. He had fought so hard for her. He had never given up on her or them… not until she cut him open and torn them apart.

"I can't fucking believe that you played me! We don't lie, not to each other, and we don't play fucking games! This is my heart and my life you fucked around with and turned into a gigantic mess! You had no right!" She couldn't believe his audacity! She had told him from the beginning what her thoughts about him getting involved with the League in any capacity were. It wasn't like her not being on board with his choice to join was a surprise. She had been against it from the moment he brought the possibility up for the first time. He had known, and he hadn't cared, hadn't listened to her and gone against her advice and made a deal with Ra's. She had given him other options that would've kept Thea and Tommy safe, too. He had decided he knew better, that his choice was the only right one, that she didn't know what she was talking about. He'd acted as if he knew the League and its leader better than she did. And once again, he'd been wrong. He had made a deal with the devil without understanding the fine print. It had been Lian Yu all over again. She had warned him about Anthony, told him what he would do if Oliver gave him a chance. He hadn't listened to her then, and they both had paid the price for it.

Now, Ollie had made a deal with Ra's against her advice, without understanding that he had been manipulated and played by Ra's. That he had done exactly what Ra's had wanted him to. Hook, line, and sinker; he had fallen for it. He had played right into Ra's hands and made it so damn easy for the Demon's Head. Because, for all of his intelligence, Ollie could be a damn fool sometimes and let arrogance and pride blind him. And now they would once again pay the price for Ollie's thoughtless and idiotic choice. Only he didn't yet understand what he had signed up for. Not knowing enough about the League and their ways to truly know what he did. What this decision was going to cost them. Still believing all he had signed away was his freedom. Fool!

"Don't you dare put the blame on me for the mess you created! You chose to ask Felicity to marry you, all the while knowing that you will have to return to Nanda Parbat at some point. That mess is solely on you, Oliver! You made a choice concerning us without considering the position it would put me in!" Sara felt nineteen again, trapped between her freedom and following her heart, which would force her into becoming someone she was not, bring with it expectations she wasn't sure she could measure up to. Yes, the thought of possibly ending up as Mrs. Oliver Jonas Queen had been paralyzing and terrifying. Knowing full well what it would mean, all the responsibilities that last name would bring with it. Only back then, he hadn't forced a choice on her, hadn't expected her to conform to his family's ways. But now… now he took her choice away and forced her to conform to Ra's expectations of who his heir's wife was required to be without actually knowing what those were.

Compared to the expectations Ra's had concerning her, Moira's looked like a piece of cake now. The situation was slightly different now, but still. Now she was the wife of Warith al Ghul, which brought a whole heap of expectations with it, most of which Oliver wasn't even aware of yet. She loved him and he was one of the most intelligent people she knew, but when he was pushed emotionally, he had a tendency to react and make decisions without thinking them through. Ra's was going to expect them to provide him with more heirs, and before he was going to hand the reins over to Ollie. They might be able to stall for a year, maybe two, but Ra's would expect her to fulfill her duty, make sure the League would continue on after him, after Ollie. That there was going to be a new bloodline to rule. Ollie put her in a position she had never wanted to be in. And it was not that she didn't want children, or couldn't see herself having Ollie's... in a different life, eight years ago. Hell, on Lian Yu even. There had been nights she had entertained the thought of them starting a family one day after they got back home. It had been nothing more than wishful thinking back then, something she hadn't even brought up and shared with him. Yes, there was a time having Ollie's babies one day had been the thing she wanted more than anything, the small part inside of her that was the old Sara still longed for the life she had dreamed about, a life in which she carried and raised Ollie's children. But not like this. Not here. Not when having his babies meant raising them in Nanda Parbat that the League would be the only thing they would ever know. That they would never get a chance to meet their families, that the only blood relatives they'd ever know were Ollie and her.

Not when it meant their first son would be raised to one day take over the League. She had seen first-hand what that life, that way of growing up, had done to Nyssa. She did not want that for her children. She didn't want there to be rivalry and envy between her children. The way it existed between Nyssa and Talia. She didn't want her children to ever be put in a position where they were pitted against each other or one felt less important or worthy than the other. And that outcome almost seemed inevitable when all of their children would be raised by the laws and traditions of the League but one of them would be raised as the future Ra's al Ghul while the others would be raised to obey him, to follow him, to fear him. One would be taught to lead and the others to follow. Nothing good ever came out of that, even less a healthy bond between siblings.

They would have no future, no freedom, no choice. The only option they would ever have was to become assassins themselves. Maybe one or two could avoid that path and become a healer, or a scholar, maybe… but they would still be taught all the ways to kill someone, to get information. Violence would still be a constant in their lives. And they would forever be bound to Nanda Parbat and the League and never know freedom. No, this was not what she would've chosen had she been given a choice. But she wasn't asked what she wanted. The moment Ollie agreed to become Ra's, to marry her, he took that choice from her. He forced her into a role she wasn't sure she wanted but had no choice but to embrace now because they were both dead if she didn't.

"That's not fair! What was I supposed to do? Just let them drag Thea into this? Risk her life when I had a chance to end it before she or Tommy got hurt? My freedom in exchange for their lives seemed like a fair deal." Was he for real? He still didn't fucking get it!

"No, you could've just handed Malcolm over in the first place instead of standing between him and Ra's in an insipid need for heroism. Like I told you to. I warned you to not get in the middle of this, that it was a League matter, it was between Ra's and Malcolm. You know nothing! And have no idea what you've done, what you agreed to! Your honorable sacrifice was for nothing, given the fact that Malcolm has been in the dungeons even before you made it and will stay there until Ra's is done with him and ready to finish it once and for all." So he had no right to get all prissy and self-righteous with her and angry for making a choice about his life without consulting him. Not when his choice had not only damned him but their future children as well. A fate and a fact he had yet to grasp.

He still believed this was temporary. He could get out of it. Once he was Ra's al Ghul... not realizing what the training entailed, just how long it would take. It was gradual. Ra's wouldn't just hand the League over from one day to the next. It would take decades for Ollie to reach the level Ra's wanted him at to take over the League and not necessarily because of the physical training but also the mental one, and all the teachings about the League itself, its history, its traditions, its purpose, the Lazarus pit, their role in the world and their most dangerous enemies. It was more than a millennium's worth of knowledge that Ollie was expected to know when he took over the League as new Ra's al Ghul. It was a process and a long one. And during those years of his training and studies, she was expected to provide him with heirs. To ensure that the League will prevail. And those kids would be raised within the walls of Nanda Parbat, learning the teachings of the League and being shaped into future assassins, by the time Ollie would be in charge their oldest children would be grown.

"Because you went against me and just handed him over to Ra's! Without informing me! He wouldn't be here if you hadn't given him to Ra's!" It had been a long time since she had last seen him this angry. And his anger only fuelled hers. They had that effect on each other. They fed off of the other's emotions. It had always been like this with them, it was a positive when things were good, it was dangerous in situations like this one… they were like a fuse and a lighter leading to a powder keg ready to explode as soon as the fuse reached it. One of them needed to get the water and throw it on the fuse, but neither seemed ready to end this before things went too far and they'd end up regretting it.

"Yes, I did what I was asked to do. What you should've done in the first place! Had you actually taken the time to talk to me before confronting Ra's you would've known that! Malcolm deserves to rot for what he did! And you're a fool if you truly believe there was a way for Malcolm to escape his punishment. Even if I hadn't captured him, someone else would have. He not only betrayed the League and everything it stands for, but he also put the League in the limelight by wearing his robes while parading around as the dark archer! The League functions because it is not publicly known. We work in the shadows. We are the shadows. Bring it to the light and it loses all of its power, just like ARGUS. The moment the public would learn about the secret government organization, it would be done for." It had been too long, they had repressed their feelings for too long, bite their tongues and kept their feelings to themselves because their circumstanced didn't allow for anything else. But now, now the floodgates had been opened and there was no going back, not until they had both given voice to what had bothered them for years. They had said what they would've needed to say years ago. It might be a good thing or a bad one only time would tell, but there was no stopping now. No going back, not until they reached the bitter end.

"He's Tommy and Thea's dad!" He said it as if it would explain everything, as if that were the holy grail of explanations. It wasn't. It didn't even come close. That statement had little to no meaning. The man they were talking about did not deserve to be addressed by that word.

"So what? You didn't care that some of your targets had children, and you were right. They were bad people and refused to admit their sins and take responsibility for their actions, which was why you took their lives. And yet, here you are making an exception and excuses for a man who had intended to level the Glades, who is responsible for your dad's death, for the hell we've been through! And he was willing to put his children in the line of fire to save his own ass! Malcolm deserves to burn in hell and everything Ra's has planned for him!" Sara couldn't understand Oliver's stance on this. Why he was still defending Malcolm after everything he had done? Why he was insisting on painting him in a favorable light when he had shown time and again just how horrible and evil a person he truly was. Even Ra's agreed on that assessment of his former horseman, so why did Ollie refuse to see? Why was he so damn ignorant about it? Malcolm would've been more than willing to sacrifice both of his children's lives to save his own. How could Ollie make excuses for him still?

"What do you want me to say? You were right, and I was wrong?!" The sudden change in his approach and demeanour, even if it was just slightly, took her by surprise.

"Yes!" But not enough to not answer the question.

"Fine, you were right. I was wrong. You happy now?" His anger was still there, he might to some degree admit his part in their mess but the petulant undertone also made sure to let her know this was reluctant and to some degree to give her what she wanted, or he believed she wanted to end or at the very least postpone their argument. She wasn't sure what had brought on the slight defeat on his side, why he had decided he was done arguing for the moment, but she also wasn't in the mood to find out. This was a win. Even if it tasted bitter in her mouth and she knew it was just temporary, it was still a win.

"No, because it's too little too late! It would be nice if you'd talked to me before making decisions that include both of us. Listen to me and take me seriously!" But she was still too damn pissed to take the win and leave it be. She wasn't ready to end the argument, not yet, not while he was simply trying to placate her while almost sounding sarcastic. It was stupid, and silly and childish and she knew she should've taken the win, but…

"What the hell are you talking about, Sara? You are being extremely unfair right now! You mean like you did me when you decided I wasn't allowed to let anyone know you are alive, that I wasn't allowed to try and get you out of the League, that we could never be, yet always fell into me when you were home and when you lied to me?! And I take you seriously, Sara, I do. I listened to you, I did what you asked me to; kept your secret and played by your rules for three fucking years! Against my better judgment! What more do you want from me?" Fuck! She'd pushed him too far now. She should've just let it be, left well enough alone, taken the win and moved on. Now they opened another can of worms, another issue they'd never really addressed, another set of feelings he'd pushed away for years and years, now they'd started an argument that was impossible for her to win because he was right, and she was wrong. What she had asked of him hadn't been fair, it had been too much and yet he had done everything she had begged him to and more.

Sara looked at Ollie with slightly widened eyes, feeling like a fish out of water, muted like Ariel, her legs felt kinda like she imagined the former mermaids probably would've while she was incapable of replying to the man she had known for most of her life, loved for years. There was literally nothing she could say that would make what she had forced him to do better, that could justify her demands of him.

Notes:

Like I said, not sure about it I feel like I could probably do better but I really felt like posting something.

Again, took some liberties with the League here, will continue to do so in this Verse... the League will be what I want it to be, lol...

Chapter title is from the song "Bad Husband" by Eminem. It felt fitting to some degree... sort of...