Up until it was time for Goblin Slayer's assembled party to get ready to fast travel back to the cleared out cavern that had become their new check point, the preteen boy did his best to keep up the charade; going through the motions of his morning, without ever mentioning to anyone other than Fairy Knight about what was truly eating him up on the inside. Taking the white-haired knight's advice on how to best mask his emotions, Goblin Slayer remained stoic when he came down to help prepare breakfast for the ten them— his servant included.
The scrambled eggs, strips of fried monster bacon and slices of baked bread made Goblin Slayer recall the famous painting of Jesus Christ sitting in the center of the table; surrounded by his apostles, but unlike the savior of the Christian faith, the preteen didn't have it in him to tell them the truth of what he feared fate had in store for not just him, but for the rest of them as well. There were so many uncertainties amongst the sea of terrifying probabilities, and within all of that Goblin Slayer felt as though he was drowning underneath the calm surface that he was trying his hardest to maintain— an nearly impossible task that was taking its mental tax on him, especially when it came time to say goodbye to the young woman who was his older sister within the world he had corrupted since being there.
Standing at the end of the wooden dock that was overlooking the glistening blue waters of the Oakshire lake— with the expansive forest over the horizon, with the grizzly-bear shaped mountain appearing majestic above the woods as the morning sun radiated just above its rocky head— Goblin Slayer stood with his arms crossed over the wooden guard railing with Vivi standing to the right of him. The two of them took comfort in the way the gentle waves underneath the wharf would splash against its large wooden columns that made up its foundation; paired with the natural ambience of wildlife in the distance, and the fittingly somber music playing gently in the sound system that had been set up along the lamp posts that were posted outside the empty shops behind them.
Taking in a deep inhale through her nostrils, Vivi had her eyelids closed gently as she mentally encaptured the peaceful moment within the confines of her heart— letting out the freshwater aroma within her lungs through her gently parted lips, as she slowly opened her eyelids while turning her head over her shoulder to smile toward her younger brother. "… You're quiet today, Ren; you're usually not like that normally. What's on your mind, my big handsome man~?" Vivi asked teasingly— leaning in to pepper the side of Goblin Slayer's cheek with loving kisses, which finally caused his lips to crack into a slight smirk.
" Hehe… Guess I've just got a lot of my mind today is all; overthinking everything again— same as always," Goblin Slayer replied half-truthfully, as he turned his head over his shoulder to meet his older sister's loving gaze; his heart tearing inside of his chest, as he saw the love and joy she had for him behind those brown eyes of hers. ' I can't help but shake the feeling as though this is going to be the last time I'm ever going to see you again… But I can't tell you that: can't tell any of you that, ' Goblin Slayer wanted to say, but kept those grim words locked within the confines of his troubled mind, before slowly losing his smile as he slowly looked away from Vivi— gazing back out toward the large body of water, and the reflection of the landscape that was within its glistening-blue surface.
Skeptical of the false reassurance that her brother had tried passing off as the whole truth to her, Vivi continued to smile warmly at Goblin Slayer, even when he could no longer bear to look her in the eye without feeling his heart break more than it already was. "… Tell me Ren, what is it that you see right now?" Vivi asked patiently, while watching as her little brother's eyebrows furrowed slightly at the sudden question.
" Uh… Water. I see water from the lake, why?" Goblin Slayer inquired with a confused expression on his face, which didn't phase his older sister in the slightest.
"Just asking is all. Oh, and what above the surface of the lake? What do you see out there, just beyond the shore?" Vivi questioned, while seeing Goblin Slayer's lips curling into a mildly amused grin; clearly finding her simple questions to be more ridiculous than anything else. "Just bare with me, please."
"Ah, okay then…" Goblin Slayer muttered with a chuckle reverberating inside of his throat— letting out a soft sigh, before doing as he was asked to. Looking up from the reflective surface of the water, Goblin Slayer spent more time than he normally would have observing the beauty of the forest landscape that was just across the side of the lake they were on— his sarcastic smile fading away into a look of solace, as felt emotionally moved from the simple yet breathtaking beauty of the way the tall evergreen trees would gently sway in the soft breeze, while the regal rocky shape of a bear gazing up into the heavens themselves as an observer elicited a sense of astonishment from the young boy.
"Ren… Ren! Come quick! L-Look at what I've found!" Hakuno called out with an urgency in her gentle voice, while kneeling down in her brown romper near one of the many unremarkable bushel of flowers that were planted around the sides of the gravel walking trail they were on.
Tucking his hands into the side pockets of his denim jeans, the ten year-old British boy made his way over to where his best friend had been beckoning him over; having had to pull himself away from the stone drinking fountain that he had been taking a swig from, before coming to a stop once he was standing behind where the ten year-old girl was huddled over what appeared to be a white ball of fluff. "Oh? What do you have there, Hakuno? Is that a bunny-rabbit?" Ren asked innocently, as he took a step over the small iron fence, before kneeling down beside the brown-haired girl to get a better look at the woodland creature— almost immediately regretting doing so.
Careful to not disturb it, Hakuno looked away from the bleeding rabbit that was laying on its side to stare back at her horrified best friend; tears in her brown eyes, as she tried to keep it together the best she could in such a dire situation. "Poor little rabbit… H-He's hurt, Ren… Hurt really bad… W-What do you think we should do?" Hakuno managed to choke out, while beginning to already start weeping as she stared desperately into the blue eyes of her more composed friend.
Furrowing his thin eyebrows while tightening his lips, Ren began overlooking the options that were available to him before finally deciding to take off his jacket to carefully wrap it around the injured rabbit's shallow-breathing body. Knowing fully well that he was going to get a stern talking to from his father later on that day about getting blood all over his expensive jacket, Ren swaddled the small rabbit before holding it close to his chest as he stood up from the grass. "Perhaps we can find a bobby who's out on patrol who will know where we can take this poor little mate; plenty of their lot around Saint James," the ten year-old suggested with hope in his voice, as he reached down carefully with his right hand to offer it down to his best friend.
Staring up at the reassuring and gentle smile that immediately began to comfort her bleeding heart, Hakuno returned his expression with a determined look of her own as she grabbed his small hand before being lifted up to her feet. "R-Right! W… We've been led here by fate to help him out, Ren; we can't falter now— not when this poor little bunny's counting on us in his hour of need!" Hakuno said with a passionate tone in her shaky voice; earning herself a nod of approval from Ren, who kept his fingers intertwined between hers— even as they ran from the grassy area to begin running along the walking trail, in search of an officer who would be able to point them in the right direction.
Through preservience and stepping out of their comfort zone in order to approach stranger-after-stranger for help— as it seemed no adult they came to in their time of need cared enough to do anything more than just point them in the next direction of where they could possibly ask someone who was more knowledgeable than themselves— Ren and Hakuno had managed to go from a simple walk through the royal park, to sprinting past the vicinity of the Buckingham Palace, in order to join the populace down in London's underground line.
Taking the northern subway toward the Camden Town— an area most popular for its market place, and one that neither of them had explored on their own— throughout the entirety of their quest to find help for their injured companion, Ren did his best to reassure the frightened little girl that they were on an adventure, and adventures were sometimes scarier than they actually seemed. With Hakuno putting her trust into the boy who she had grown up with since the day she had been born a few months after he had been brought into the world, the ten year-old Japanese girl followed loyally beside the British boy.
Two hours into their quest to find a veterinarian who would take the rabbit in, both children found themselves wandering down an alleyway that was far from the hustling marketplace where they had been, before finally being given an address to a local veterinary clinic that they could try. As fate would have it, not only was the clinic that had served as their last hope closed for the day, due to the veterinarian who owned the office having been gone out for holiday, but it was there while they stood outside the locked door to the back alley clinic did Ren notice that the rabbit had stopped breathing.
Reluctantly with dread eating away at his heart, Ren felt Hakuno's panicked breath worsening as he hesitantly pulled back the flap of his soiled jacket— unveiling the bloodied, warm body of the rabbit who they had failed to save in time. Not needing to announce the obvious to his childhood friend, Ren felt his own tears beginning to well up as he heard Hakuno's heart wrenching cries erupt beside him; his devastated eyes glanced over to the side, and watched as the heartbroken little girl fell on to her knees, with her face buried in the palms of her own two hands. "Hakuno, I… I'm… I'm s-sorry; I tried… Really, I… I did…" Ren whispered hoarsely in a barely audible voice— lowering his head in shame, as he instinctively embraced the lifeless corpse of the rabbit to his chest, thinking that his love would somehow magically breathe life into the deceased rabbit.
Blaming himself for having gotten lost in the spirit of adventure, instead of focusing more on trying to find immediate help for the woodland creature, Ren nor Hakuno were able have enough spacial awareness of their surroundings to realize that her agonizing cries had attracted the wrong sort of attention to them— isolated physically from anyone else to ward off the three vile teenagers who had come to answer the little girl's cry of weakness with violence and depravity, the events that led up to Ren being stabbed three times in the chest and once in neck while having tried saving Hakuno from getting raped in the alley way were all too painful for him to remember.
And yet, no matter how hard he tried to block out the traumatizing events that ended with one of the teens accidentally hitting the side of Hakuno's skull against the side of a dumpster hard enough to leak gray matter out of her wound, the tormented boy could only watch the events play out before him, all the way to when the terrified teens had fled from the scene of the crime— just when the police finally came to investigate.
What Goblin Slayer was left feeling after having been forced to relive through the single worst event that his old self had somehow managed to survive was catharsis. ' We were just children— children who only wanted to do the right thing, and for that… And for our troubles and disappointment, all that fate had in store for us was pain and torment… " Fate"… What a joke that concept is; we were in the right place, at the wrong time— nothing more, nothing less… It's all a joke; a sick joke with no punchline, and I'm still here to pick up the pieces… To hold on to something that's been dead, and still pretending that I have what it takes to resuscitate it with my broken heart… How fucking pathetic can I be? ' Goblin Slayer thought cynically to himself, while still somehow feeling an odd sense of freedom and relief from suddenly finding himself no longer burdened by having to hold on to the truth that had been getting heavier and heavier for his soul to carry on by its own.
Noticing the dark smile forming on her little brother's face, Vivi wasn't sure whether or not she should be concerned with the sudden change in her little brother's facial expression. "R… Ren? Ren, umm… Are you…? A-Are you alr-"
"-I want to be like you and everyone else who lives in their imaginary existence; I want to say that I can be the person who you think that I am— but even if I had that all come true like a dream, then I wouldn't really be the "real" me, now would I?" Goblin Slayer interrupted, while sounding stoic and monotone as he had been, with the exception that there was no attempt at trying to conceal his true emotions before the confused teenager who called himself his older sister.
"Ren… I… I don't understand what you're saying right now. Where did all of that come from? Was it… Was it because I tried grounding you back to reality with all those questions I asked?" Vivi asked with a worried tone in her voice— her sweet smile fading into a soft frown, as she reached out with one hand to gently grab Goblin Slayer by his bicep; hoping that in spite of whatever it was that she couldn't tell that he was going through, that he would be able to tell that she was still there to love him regardless of it all.
Letting out a humorless and dry chuckle at what she had said to him, Goblin Slayer's empty smile curled upward more into that of an amused smirk. "Grounded me to reality? Mmhmm…I suppose that's what you accomplished, although to call this world " reality" would be utterly subjective," Goblin Slayer mused nihilistically, before reaching up to gently push Vivi's hand off of his shoulder. "What's before us was all created through a Thaumaturgical technique that was first created by my father. Essentially, what you're looking at is the product of an virtual universe that's been strengthened by the unconsciousness of eight adolescents, who had amplified the magecraft needed to transition a mere computer simulation into an inner world so full of ideas, that it itself became sentient enough to call out to other celestial beings— believing there to be more of its kind, just out of its reach," Goblin Slayer explained articulately, as more of his past knowledge of his other life began to bleed into his unraveling mind. "It's called a " reality marble"; everything you've ever considered to be real is nothing more than a cruel lie thought up by myself."
Absolutely flabbergasted at what she had just heard, Vivi remained stunned in silence as she tried comprehending the existential truth that had seemed almost like a bad joke told. "I… I don't understand… Why are you telling me this, Ren? Have I… Have I said something to upset you?" Vivi asked with an overwhelmed expression on her face; her gentle and soothing voice plagued with uncertainty and confusion, as she tried her best to make sense out of the situation she had found herself in.
Spiraling deeper and deeper into the depths of the truth he had been trying to keep hidden for so long to himself, Goblin Slayer let out another joyless chuckle as he smiled apologetically with remorse written all over his dusty-rose colored eyes. "Upset me…? Of course you upset me; EVERYTHING about you upsets me!" Goblin Slayer spat back with his irses beginning to glow red, as he smacked the teenager's hand away from him not out of anger, but to distance himself from her as he took a step back from where she stood with a wide-eyed expression on her beautiful face. "Y-You…! You were made as nothing more than a representation of the WORST FUCKING day of my life! Everything that happened to you— what was supposed to happen to you, before it was changed— was done to motivate a character that my brother thought would make me feel better by making; a character who had gone through what I did, but unlike my sorry ass he was able to actually DO something about it!"
Not giving the teenager a chance to speak— even if she had the words within her to respond to the anguished ramblings of a troubled soul who couldn't be consoled by a mere act of love— Goblin Slayer paced around where he stood with his eyes glued to the floorboards, as he felt his heart racing in his chest before continuing on with his vent. "Father never wanted us to give any of you names… I'm starting to see why… I… I don't know what motivated me to take on the role of "Goblin Slayer", or if I'm even here all by myself… What I do know is that I didn't come here to escape my troubles— to live a beautiful lie, like the rest of you who were created to suffer at my hands— no… No, I'm here because there's something waiting for me at that damn fortress; fate hasn't been leading me here, because fate doesn't exist… I'm here for a purpose, and I'm going to find out why while I still can."
Hardening his resolve as the sky above seemed to become clearer than it ever had been— like glass itself sparkling above the light of the rising sun— Goblin Slayer turned his back on the teenager who still considered him to be her younger brother as well as her fiancé. "W… What you say are all words that seem so beyond my comprehension; you speak of my existence being nothing more than a manifestation of some sort of tragedy that's surely fallen upon you, and yet your anger is directed upon yourself rather than anyone else… You might not think you're "Goblin Slayer", or perhaps even deserving of a life that's good enough to be considered a " beautiful lie" by your standards… But damn it, even if all this is fake as the way you've described it, the way I love you ISN'T! And I KNOW you still love me— no m-matter whatever it is that you're telling yourself to… T… T… T-To think… T… T-Think…" Vivi trailed off into a barely audible mumble, as tears began pouring down her devastated eyes as her shaking knees finally gave out— causing her to fall onto the wooden floorboards of the dock, while sobbing violently in heart wrenching cries of anguish.
Keeping his back turned toward Vivi, even as she wailed uncontrollably at the thought of her lover abandoning everything that they had that meant the world to her, Goblin Slayer lowered her gaze with cathartic guilt and sorrowful nostalgia welling up inside of him. "… I'm the last person who's deserving of anything that has to do with even the mere idea of "love". Sex was the closest thing I've ever felt towards it, and for that reason alone is why you and everyone else will be better off when I'm gone," Goblin Slayer said with a heavy heart, as he let out a deep breath while bringing up his holographic interface out to his chest; getting BBB prepared to set up a fast travel point right there where he was standing, while feeling cold and empty on the inside.
Opening a quantum waypoint that took on the forming of a glowing flat swirl of vibrantly bright blues and cyan, Goblin Slayer thought back to the armor that the slime woman had on her stand; the same very set that was always meant to be his, but given out to a character who was more deserving to wear it than his own. "… I can't predict what the future has in store for you, or the rest of this world. But… But if I'm able to, I'll give you the little brother you deserve; the one who doesn't see people as moveable objects to be manipulated, but the one who's kind and genuinely loving— in spite of his own shortcomings and trauma," Goblin Slayer vowed with a solemn smile forming over his lips, as he looked over his shoulder to stare into the watery eyes of his heartbroken lover.
"What I've done to this world, to my friends and to my family… It's all unforgivable. I'll… I'll make it right though— even if it kills me," Goblin Slayer said with warmth returning to his stoic voice, as his entire body starting from the top of his head, down to his feet, became engulfed in a bright-blinding light. When the light subsided to the point where Vivi could lower her hand that she had been using to shield her bloodshot eyes from its glow, the sixteen year-old girl saw not a ten year-old boy, but a grown teenager that seemed to be her age from his height alone— standing before the quantum waypoint in a full set of weathered armor, with two glowing red eyes being the only thing she could see past the slits on his helmet's face shield.
"… Thank you, Vivine… Thank you for showing me what real love was like; I'll never forget you," Goblin Slayer said as his departing words, before looking away from the paralyzed eyes of the brown haired teenager— walking through the swirling portal that disappeared the moment he completely stepped through it. In the wake of his freedom and hardening resolution, Goblin Slayer had failed to notice the outstretched hand from Vivi, who had continued to hold out for her little brother to return to her, even after he had already left her alone at the end of the wharf.
And we're on track to the big finale of this story. Due to how unhappy this story ended up turning out in terms of how much of a tragic character Ren Ashta became, I wanted to get a head start on the second story of this series; just to have an idea of how it should end well enough, along with showing that this story is still destined for a happy ending, despite the bittersweetness of it all. Plus the second story is WAY happier than Year Zero in terms of storytelling and setting, so switching off between writing chapters for Year Zero and re:Imagine helps me balance my writing style out— otherwise, I would be writing about ten or so more chapters of Ren getting out through more tragic shit without any relief, until the very end.