"What are you doing?" Lucas asked from the display in Sarek's kitchen.
"Making plomeek soup." Amanda looked up briefly, making a face in the screen's direction. "I am never going to pronounce that right." She returned to dutifully chopping vegetables, ones which Kavor had grown in the garden and given over with much hesitation and the ever-present impassive and unimpressed stare. "The replicated stuff is never quite right, and Kavor makes it like he had it at home, which Sybok finds too spicy."
"You don't cook." The Commander commented dryly from behind his desk at the Academy.
"I know." A sharp laugh issued as Amanda dropped the veggies into boiling water. "But I'm giving it my best shot." Turning she leaned against the counter, fingers curving into the coolness of polished sandstone that she learned had been shipped in from Vulcan. "I cornered some delegate from the Ambassador's neck of the woods and pestered her until she talked me through the process twice. I'm pretty sure I scandalized half of the embassy, but if it makes Sybok happy…" her shoulders lifted in a shrug.
Lucas stared at her for a moment, silent and disapproving. "That's not what I'm asking and you know it." Knitting her brow, Amanda focused more fully on her oldest friend as he leaned towards the camera. "What are you doing, Amanda?"
"Oh god, not you too." Grabbing up a towel, she turned to wipe down the counter, tossing down the cloth as frustration broiled through her. "I have to fend off that question from everyone in my life. You're supposed to be better than the rest of them."
"You're playing house with the Vulcan Ambassador, and he's not. even. there." Lucas was one of those beautiful examples of human masculinity, looking like David had stepped down off of his pedestal. All southern Californian tanned skin and sun-kissed golden curls. Ten years ago, when he'd been her TA, they'd found their way into bed together. They'd just as quickly discovered that they worked out better as friends, which was honestly a relief to Amanda. She'd never be comfortable being connected to someone quite so beautiful.
Well, until now.
Now when that face worthy of a master's work was looking at her with a mix of concern and lack of understanding. "What even are you to him?" Lucas continued, "Are you the nanny? His mistress?"
"Lucas." In the three weeks since Sarek had been off on assignment, Amanda had heard every formulation of this question from pretty much everyone she knew. In truth, the audacity of them to ask such blatant questions about the intimate nature of her relationships gave her insight into what Vulcans must deal with on a daily basis. "We're not having this conversation."
"Why not?" He scoffed, pushing away from his desk and crossing his arms. "What are you expecting from this?" Irritation flashed. "What can you even get from this?"
"Why are you so angry about it?" Confusion swirled within her. "Why aren't you asking the right questions, like if I'm happy?"
"Because I don't want you to get hurt, Amanda." His voice took on the edge of pleading, tinged with the desperation of someone who not only didn't understand but couldn't seem to stretch their mind into new possibilities. "Because I can't see you as a dour Vulcan matron. Because he can't be anything with you or to you. This isn't just some random Vulcan you're trying to overcome more than a century of delicately balanced interspecies hostility with."
"Oh, sweetie." A thousand words of defense sprang into her mind. With everyone else, with all the others, Amanda just brushed the questions off. But Lucas had been there with her through pretty much everything since she'd been a freshman at university. He was her best friend. Or, at least, he had been.
It would be so easy to spill it all. To tell Lucas about how a day hadn't passed in the last three weeks that Sarek hadn't taken the time to send her a message. Somedays it would be paragraphs about the bleak beauty he'd found on the moon on which he was stationed. Others would offer insight into his aspirations and goals, about what moved him. Every missive provided further insight into a very private and nuanced mind.
Within the last week, Sarek had taken to sending her Vulcan poetry. Amanda had never cared for poetry to begin with, but Vulcan poetry was nothing like what humans might write in an effort to court another. Half of the art of it was the swooping form of each character, the aesthetic grouping of them paired with the words.
Sarek wrote them longhand, in ink, sending pictures across the lightyears. Amanda wondered where he'd even managed to find those things while on assignment. She wondered even more about the time taken to do it. The claim could remain that Vulcans didn't feel emotion, that love was beyond them, but he was prioritizing her multiple moments throughout his days.
Which was why she knew she was in love with him. She'd shared things, too. Dozens of vids of her and Sybok. Rambling letters talking about teaching the tiny Vulcan to swim, about the adventures they'd been on, about the fact that they both were practicing their meditation with Kavor every afternoon. Late-night messages about how scared she was about agreeing to something so serious, so final. Wandering paragraphs about the concern she had at the notion of putting her life aside to be an Ambassador's wife.
Not to mention the hundreds of words revolving around her worry about her humanity and his position as Ambassador.
Amanda could have told Lucas all of those things. She could have shared that she and Sarek had already discussed this stuff and more. But what was the point? Her best friend joined with all the other people who had disappointed her. How did he deserve to know anything of Sarek's private life? Why would she betray even an ounce of her connection to the Ambassador, just to assuage the concerns of someone caught within their own narrowmindedness?
"You know I'm right, Amanda." Lucas pressed, thinking that her silence meant he was gaining ground.
With a soft laugh, Amanda shook her head, before snapping to attention as she heard the front door slide open. "I gotta go, Sy's home."
"That's another thing." He'd already lost, but couldn't seem to see it. "That child isn't yours. He'll never be your son. You're going to end up-"
With the press of her finger on the display, Amanda ended the call. Melancholy spread through her at the realization she'd not be able to maintain their relationship any longer. Not because of Sarek's presence in her life, she would never allow Sarek to control who she interacted with, propriety or not. But because she couldn't imagine being close to someone who had such rigid ideals.
How had she been mistaken for so long?
But all that sadness and hurt faded as small, hurried feet could be heard hurrying over tile. Face splitting with a grin, Amanda knelt to catch Sybok as he hurled himself into her like he did each afternoon when his schooling was completed. There were no words, not yet, just snuggles as Sybok got his fill after an affection-free day.
"T'sai?" Kavor followed in Sybok's wake, looking much more put together than he had on the first day of their meeting. Amanda didn't know how long Kavor had been with Sarek, she guessed it had to be some time, perhaps even working with Sarek's clan back on Vulcan. What she did know though, was that he was indispensable, the keel that kept the S'chn T'gai household running.
"I've told you not to call me that," Amanda chided softly. It was kind of him to offer the honorific title, but also a little presumptuous. Amanda knew that gossips on both sides of the embassy wall were having a field day with her continued presence in Sarek's home. She supposed she should be grateful he wasn't calling her other things. But while she was happy to see where things went, she wasn't quite ready to be lady of the house yet.
He ignored her, as he always did. Instead, his only response was to place the large box he'd been carrying on the nearby counter. "From the Ambassador."
Sarek had sent her a few things, or more accurately ordered them and had them delivered. A wild orchid from some far-flung corner of Vulcan, a copy of the Teachings of Surak in Federation Standard, and jeweled hair clips that he thought she'd enjoy. On the last one, Amanda figured he had a bit of a thing for her hair, and made sure to wear them as often as possible in any vid she sent in his direction.
But he'd never sent her anything quite this large. Looking at Kavor curiously, she placed Sybok on the counter beside the package. "Wanna help me open it?"
She didn't even finish getting the words out before he attacked the box, lush but plain paper rent and discarded before he got into the box proper. "But it is only clothing?" Disappointment shone on his little features, followed swiftly by boredom.
"Clothes?" Sure enough, there was a pile of midnight-blue fabric. A set of luxurious dress robes with Vulcan script flowing in silver thread. The fabric was nothing like Amanda had ever touched before, feeling like liquid in her hand. "Why in the world did he send these?" A thousand notions flew through her mind, but none of them made any sense.
"I believe they are for the gala." Kavor supplied, turning to the island to stir the vegetables that Amanda had been neglecting. Whoops.
"Oh now we know your father's crazy." Sarek had invited her to a Federation gala taking place in a little more than a week. It would be their first public outing, and their first real outing to begin with. The dinner-that-wasn't hardly counted. Amanda had agreed, excited at the prospect of being his companion - his word. But she was also terrified. It was an official gathering of important people. A trial run of what it would be like to be by his side. And now he was picking her clothes?
Giving him the benefit of the doubt, she decided to not see it as controlling, but that he was trying to relieve some of the pressure from her. Unfortunately for him, she'd already bought a new dress. One that was very her, very human, and that Sarek would - hopefully - hate/love.
Sybok looked up at her, confusion written in his eyebrows, like the little lost puppy he often turned into.
"He's trying to be kind, though he's going about it the wrong way. But it's okay, we still love him, don't we?" Bending she placed a quick kiss on the tip of that tiny nose.
Sybok nodded, grinning, but Kavor rapped the spoon harshly against the pot. In response, Amanda stuck her tongue out at him. Something she would need to stop doing, as apparently, Sybok was mimicking it to the point that Sarek had asked her to monitor herself.
Little feet kicked as Sybok looked between his two current keepers. "Is Sa'mekh calling tonight?"
"I think so, little one." In a move that had become practiced, even in such a small amount of time, Amanda placed Sybok back onto the floor. "Let's see if Kavor will be kind enough to help us with our meditation first, and then have dinner. If your father can spare some time, he said he would call." Each time Sarek had mentioned that he would do something if he had the time, he'd always had the time. No matter what he was doing, he always made time for her and his son, even if it was just a brief snatch.
Yet another item on the list of why she was quickly going mad for him.
"Is that your plomeek?" Standing on tip-toes, Sybok made to look towards the pot, even though he was far too short to have so much as a peek. Kavor scowled, but took a small spoonful of the broth, wafting his hand over it before offering it to the young Vulcan.
"It's hardly mine, and Kavor's helping me now." Thank goodness. "But yes, the recipe is from your father's clan. I think you may like it more." Sybok nodded vigorously before handing the spoon back to Kavor. "Why don't you go get changed? Unless you need help?"
"No Ko'mekh. I am capable." With the energy of youth he dashed off to his rooms, leaving Amanda to shake her head.
"He really shouldn't call me that." It had started not long ago, Amanda's heart swelling before shattering at the fact Sybok felt so connected to her. Things had not been decided yet, though. It had been a risk, spending this time with him, but she did not regret it. He, alone, would not be the reason she agreed to marry Sarek. Sarek was working diligently on that proposition himself.
"What else would you have him call you?" Kavor shrugged, turning his attention back to the soup.
As it was wont to, the afternoon with Sybok moved swiftly. Meditation was an enjoyable hour of them all spent together. Amanda wasn't sure who fidgeted more, her or Sybok, but it was certainly her who giggled when she was supposed to be concentrating. Kavor glowered from his cushion, but after the first day had become begrudgingly accustomed to the human in their midst.
Hours later, with school work graded, and a snoozing Sybok sprawled across her chest, Amanda was flicking through lesson plans when her comm chimed. Immediately her heart rate increased, anticipation welling in her throat.
The sight of him, impeccable and dignified, made her chest ache. How she missed him. The letters, the calls, they allowed for connection. But like Sybok, she found herself starved of the affection she needed. Could she do this? Spend a lifetime without frequent touch? Decades where lightyears could separate them for months at a time?
"Are you reclining on my bed?" Sarek's inquiring tone broke the spiral of Amanda's thoughts.
"Are you opposed to such a thing?" Her voice was huskier than she anticipated, colored by the desperate need she had for something more.
"I will admit," Sarek drawled, "my thoughts often stray to you in that place."
Amanda felt her cheeks heat. He must have called before meditating. "Sy gravitates here all the time. He misses you."
"Sy?"
"Look," she shifted, leaning up further to better see the focus of her obsession. "I've almost spent the past month with your son. Humans do nicknames. You're lucky I haven't given you one yet." A smirk curved her mouth. "Or at least one you know of."
He definitely needed to meditate, according to the hint of frustration showing at the corner of his eyebrows.
"He's been waiting for you to call," Amanda continued, trying not to think too much about what it meant that she could read Sarek so well, "but he's been out for about half an hour. Can we talk for a little bit before I wake him up?
"You do not need to wake him," Sarek assured.
"Oh yes I do. He's missed you. I mean, he loves me." Looking down at the child breathing so softly atop her, Amanda ran her fingers through his hair. "But he already worships you."
"I am not worthy of such devotion." Amanda's brows knit at that comment. There was something else there, either feelings about what had happened with Sybok's mother or something was going wrong with whatever Sarek was working on.
"Trust me, you are quite worthy, Ambassador." Her tone dropped. "I hate that this is the only way I've managed to get to know you. I wish you were here."
"As do I." Three words from him and Amanda's heart soared. Maybe it was because Vulcans would not say something they didn't mean, because where was the logic in that?
"How are things going?" She held up a hand, causing Sybok to snuffle in his sleep. "I know you can't give me specifics, but?"
"I regret that I must remain another week." Amanda felt her heart crumple again. The spiral started up once more. Could she do this? "Things are slow going. But progress is being made."
Hell, that could be a metaphor for their relationship.
"You look tired." At his obvious offense, Amanda pressed forward. "Are you meditating? Making sure to eat? Do I need to have a talk with T'Kara?"
"My aide is seeing to my needs," he affirmed with a nod.
"Not all of them, I hope."
"Miss Grayson." Was it bad she loved it when he scolded her?
"I'm on your bed, where I've slept for more than a handful of nights with your son, and you still won't call me Amanda?" She loved needling him even more than she loved being scolded.
"You should not have done such things. Kavor must be very disconcerted by your presence in my space."
"Oh yeah," Amanda laughed, "he hates me."
"Kavor is incapable of hate."
"Well, I'm driving him crazy. I'm surprised he hasn't contacted you a thousand times."
"That would be an inordinate amount of communication."
Amanda sighed. "You know what I mean."
"Yes. I do." There was a lightness in him then, it wasn't a smile, just maybe comfort at something normal. "However, he has not contacted me except to give the requested updates on Sybok's wellbeing.
"Yeah, but I send you vids."
"Which I cherish."
Her heart melted, but insecurity crept in. She was going to murder Lucas. "Can you cherish?"
Sarek tilted his head. "Do you think me incapable of so much?"
"I think I've been robbed by only getting snatches of moments with you. Will you be home for the gala?"
"Just, but yes. Did you receive my gift?"
"I did." She was trying not to burst into laughter, or insult him. "But I'm not wearing that. Not that it wasn't very thoughtful. But I already got something to wear. You'll love it. At least I think you'll love it. And you know I don't mean love."
"I am becoming accustomed to your inaccurate word choice." Exhaustion showed at the corners of his eyes, leaving Amanda to wonder when the last time was he'd slept.
Bending, she pressed kisses against Sybok's raven silk hair. "Hey Sy.."
Her and her sleepy Vulcans. Stretching, Sybok looked up at her with his heartbreaking trust, before she winked in his direction and jutted her chin towards the screen in her hand.
The second Sybok spotted Sarek it was all over with. He took the PADD and started chittering in Vulcan which was too fast for Amanda to even parse. Sarek was fully engaged, although in a much more sedate manner than his son, responding when required, but mostly nodding along to whatever Sybok was recounting to him.
Amanda's ears caught on plomeek, bringing forth a smile while Sarek deftly guided the conversation to a close. "Be certain that you adhere to Kavor and Miss Grayson's guidance."
"Oh, you're going to regret that one." Amanda tucked Sybok under her chin. "We don't want him adhering to my guidance at all."
"Which leads to my suggestion that you," he sought the right word, "behave as well."
"Hurry home to us." Emotion flooded her, and for a horrifying moment, Amanda thought that she might start crying.
"You both consume each of my waking thoughts." Her beloved aliens shared the ta'al, while all Amanda could do was hold her breath, reaching to disconnect the call just as a tear escaped.
At a sniffle, Sybok looked up, concern coloring his little face. "Ko'mekh?"
"It's okay Sy, I just miss him." The tears were coming readily now, no matter how much she tried to wipe them away.
Kneeling beside her, Sybok joined in the effort, his fingers soft against her cheeks. "Do you wish to meditate?"
A sob tangled with a laugh in her throat. "Can I just snuggle you instead?" She asked.
"Yes, you may," he responded with a nod. Not that she had expected him to answer any differently.
Curling herself into him, Amanda breathed in that same sandalwood and citrus brightness that she'd learned was the soap her family used and let the tears come.