She closed her eyes as tears fell across her face, soaking the pillow beneath her head. The room felt a bit colder in the middle of the night, somehow more impersonal and less safe. It wasn't at all the sanctuary she had found only hours prior. She had managed to fall asleep for a bit, but she awoke with a start sometime around three o'clock and fell victim to her own mind quite immediately. And her mind was not being kind to her in the least.
The guilt she felt was overwhelming, oppressive, and there was a heaviness in her heart when she reflected on the terrible thing she had done. She had made a commitment to her husband, and she hadn't even made it three months into their marriage before she broke her vows in the worst possible way. And for what? What on earth did she think would come of doing what she had done? It didn't matter how amazing it made her feel at the time, it could not have been more shamefully wrong of her. She sniffled, wiping her eyes, but the tears wouldn't stop flowing. She had never felt so regretful, and it was completely her fault, completely avoidable. And yet, there she was in another man's bed, the afterglow of their time together permeating the air.
Georg listened as she tried to pretend she wasn't crying next to him. His first instinct was to pull her close, but he knew she needed a moment with herself first. She wasn't his, after all, and he needed to remember that before he found himself trying to take on a role that he shouldn't. He had already done enough in that regard, he scolded himself. He had gravely overstepped with her. But she had been so decisive, taken the lead too at times, so he hadn't necessarily taken advantage of her, he knew. It didn't matter. He still felt very guilty about it all, even so. He came to stay at her hotel in the first place with no legitimate reason to be there, and he realized that by making that choice, he perhaps had altered the entire rest of her life.
She sniffled again, and he couldn't listen any longer, as he rolled over and wrapped her in his embrace from behind, their naked bodies warming one another immediately. She held tightly to him, crying even harder at the feeling of being comforted so tenderly as he pulled the blankets over them more thoroughly. She wasn't sure she had ever been comforted as she cried, even as a small child it would have been hard to come by, and the thought alone sent another pang of sadness through her heart. He pressed gentle kisses to her hair, his arms enveloping her in support and comfort as he held her close to his chest. She felt perfect against him, as if they were two pieces of a puzzle.
"I'm so sorry, Georg." Her words were quiet, nearly a whisper. He frowned as he tried to determine why she would ever feel the need to apologize to him.
"Whatever for?"
"I made you into something you're not." He gave a short chuckle, closing his eyes as he rested his cheek against her head.
"I'm afraid it's the reverse. I should be the one apologizing to you."
"No…I wanted every bit of it." And she had; she still did, especially since she knew what she had been missing for so long. "I can't believe the person I've become."
"Don't talk like that. You are such an incredible woman, Maria." She scoffed, turning upon her back to face him. He found her eyes puffy and red, and his heart ached at the complete despair that met his gaze. He touched her cheek with his fingertips, wiping away her tears. "You are allowed to still be finding yourself in the world."
"Do you think he's going to feel that way?" Her words were harsh, but he knew she wasn't directing the tone at him. Her own guilt made her feel sick, her body begging her to simply run away and never look back. Facing her husband again felt like the most agonizing death she could have imagined. "I made a mistake."
"I'm sorry, we never should have…"
"Not last night." His heart leapt into his throat as he understood her meaning. She was talking about her marriage. The sorrow she felt was more for a life she could never have rather than the life she currently lived, for the marriage she had betrayed. The marriage she knew she should have never agreed to in the first place.
"I should have…" She pressed a kiss to his lips to stop him from speaking, taking the liberty of stealing just another moment of tenderness.
"Me too." She looked into his eyes once more, and he gave her a small, apologetic smile. Yes, there were many things they should have done in the past. He kissed her once again, hoping to add some gentleness to the moment, his hand sliding across her bare stomach as he pulled her closer.
It was difficult for her not to make comparisons between him and her husband, to notice all the differences between them. Georg enjoyed speaking with her as an equal, where Otto preferred she simply stand beside him and look pretty. Their conversations weren't deep or thoughtful, and they had barely skimmed the surface of truly getting to know one another. Georg, on the other hand, could talk for hours with her. He made her feel as if she were contributing to the conversation and allowed to share her truest thoughts and opinions with no fear of being humiliated for it. She felt he knew her far better than anyone, even though they hadn't often spoken quite so deeply themselves. Perhaps it was more of a spiritual connection between them, she wondered.
And then the love making…she couldn't believe the difference, as filthy as it made her feel to think about it. Her husband was just as inexperienced as she, so she wasn't necessarily sure she could blame him, but he was not much of a lover at all in comparison. He enjoyed being with her very much, it was clear by how often his hands found their way to her body, but he wasn't necessarily generous to her about it. He preferred bending her over the bed and getting his own fix to laying her down and exploring her body, or even letting her explore his, really. They were there for the purpose of his pleasure, and then they moved on. She had never much enjoyed it, but she was certain it was her duty to make him happy in that way. It had never occurred to her how miserable their physical life truly was. It had never occurred to her that perhaps she could enjoy it too.
Georg was a passionate lover. From the way he kissed her to the way his fingers trailed across her skin, he possessed every single ounce of her being. His goal was to experience what he could make her feel before he was concerned with his own desire, which only fueled both of their arousal more than she had ever imagined could be possible. He had no inhibitions, his lips touching places upon her body that no one had ever dared even speak about to her, let alone dare to tease and touch. She had no idea it was even possible for her to feel the things he made her feel. She was terrified to realize that during her marriage she'd had sex many times, but until her night with Georg, she had never once made love. She had no idea how she would be able to live the rest of her life without it.
She wrapped her arms around his neck as their kiss continued, his naked body pressed warmly against her own. He felt himself reacting to her to a point of no return, and he pulled away to keep himself in line. Once between them could be written off as an error in judgement, he supposed, but any more and they couldn't deny their actions were deliberate. She smiled, knowing they understood the same things to be true, and he pressed one more gentle kiss to her lips.
"How long will you stay?" She sighed, wishing she could have said she would stay forever.
"Until morning. I need you to hold me…if that's alright?" He smiled, holding her closer, if it were at all possible. She seemed a bit nervous to have revealed her own vulnerability.
"It's more than alright. I wouldn't let you go, anyway." She gave him a soft smile, rolling over to press her cheek against his chest as they readjusted for sleep. His arms made her feel safe, secure for the first time in her entire life, she was certain. Nothing could compare to the feeling of his body against hers, the sound of his heart beating in her ear, the smell of his cologne permeating her senses. She closed her eyes, taking in every bit of him she possible could as they fell asleep.
xxxxx
She supposed she looked the exact definition of a 'walk of shame' as she made her way from the elevator, adjusting her clothing that didn't feel quite right. Her body felt a bit sore, which made her blush to herself as flashbacks of her evening made their way through her brain. Half of her was walking on air while the other half was weighed down by a crippling guilt and remorse. Even so, she couldn't stop her body from feeling incredibly satisfied. It was as if she took the biggest breath of fresh air she had ever taken.
She walked into her hotel room, looking quite disheveled she knew, as she wore her clothes from the night before, but she wasn't sure what else she was supposed to wear. It didn't much matter how she looked on the outside, nothing could compare to how she felt on the inside at the sight of her husband. He was clearly worried about her, as if he had spent the entire night and morning wondering where she could be. She felt ashamed, knowing how irresponsible she had been on numerous counts.
"Where the hell have you been?" She bit her lip as Otto came soaring out of the bedroom, his face rigid with concern. Guilt flooded her stomach once again, and she felt sick. "My God, you look like…"
"I stayed with a friend. I told you I wasn't going to be here if you went out drinking." She interrupted, not wanting to know what he thought she looked like. He shook his head, unsure which question he wanted to ask first.
"Which friend?"
"I have many." It was a lie, but what else would she have told him? There was no way she could have said she slept in another man's room, even if it had been innocent. It would have been impossible to tell him the truth until she wrapped her own mind around it…if she ever would.
"I didn't expect you would really not be here."
"I meant what I said." She crossed her arms over her chest, wishing she looked a bit more put together for their conversation. She always made sure she looked her best for him, and she wondered if he was taken aback by her appearance. He frowned, nodding his head.
"I'm sorry…I know I was irresponsible last night. I made the wrong decision to go out." She was surprised by his sincerity. He truly seemed apologetic for his actions, as he always did when he was sober.
"You said some hurtful things to me."
"Please, let me make it up to you." She felt guilty, knowing she had more to make up to him than the other way around.
"How?"
"Why don't you go shopping while I'm at these meetings today, and then we can go see the Von Trapp children this afternoon." She wanted to point out that her plan was to visit them all along, but didn't want to push anything. She also didn't want to mention how much she disliked shopping, so she nodded her head in agreement. He smiled, pressing a kiss to her lips before bringing her into a hug, which she forced herself to return. Touching him made her feel a bit filthy at the moment. "Please don't ever feel like you can't spend a night with me. I promise, I'll never hurt you again."
"I know." She felt a tear begin to fall down her cheek, and she reached to wipe it away with her hand. She cleared her voice, pulling away from their embrace and giving him a small smile. "You should get going. You don't want to be late."
He acted as if he were going to say something in response, or perhaps that he didn't want to leave her side, but he only nodded. The distance between them was palpable, even though they were physically quite close to one another. Kissing her one last time, he bid his farewell and left for his day. The sound of the door clicking closed behind her felt like a pin poking into her side, letting the air out of her as she slouched and ran her hands over her face. So they'd had their minor issues here and there, he was still a faithful, good husband to her, and he had absolutely no doubt that she was the same kind of wife to him.
She made her way to take a shower, her head pounding from the tension coursing throughout her body. She hoped the steam of the water, cleansing herself of her impurities, would perhaps help her see things more clearly. The water felt hot, burning just a bit, but she accepted the punishment as she washed, knowing she would never be able to scrub away her transgressions no matter how hard she tried. She looked down her body as she washed, frowning for a moment when she observed a bruise upon her hip. He'd left a love bite on her skin, purposefully she knew, and she closed her eyes as she remembered everything all over again.
They had awakened together that morning, cuddling and kissing as the sun rose. She had expected that the magic of the night before would have expired by morning, but it never even dimmed. She was just as taken with him as she had been the first time she saw him, and he with her, it seemed. They didn't make love again, neither wanting to complicate things further, but she would have been lying if she'd said she didn't want to. She would have loved every second of him having his way with her over and over again for the rest of her life.
Against her better judgement, she stayed and ate breakfast with him. He called for room service as she wrapped herself in his robe, completely enclosed in his scent. When she walked past him to sit in her own chair at the table, he merely took her hand and pulled her into his lap. They shared a plate, feeding one another at times and sharing small kisses between bites. It was a picturesque scene, one that she never wanted to stop remembering every detail about.
"Will you still come for supper tonight?" He asked as she took a sip of his coffee, cringing a bit for how bitter he liked it.
"Yes, I planned to. I have been here far too long without getting to see the children." He laughed, wrapping his arms around her waist even tighter as he rested his head against her shoulder. She smiled, bringing a piece of bread with jam to his mouth for a bite.
"That's good." He took her hand in his, taking the tip of her finger into his mouth to clean some lingering jam, and she laughed as he kissed across her fingertips.
"You are making it impossible for me to leave."
"That is the point." She laughed, pressing a kiss to his lips and meeting his eyes.
"I wish I didn't have to." He shook his head, giving her a soft smile.
"You must. And it's alright."
"I…think we both know this can't happen again." Her words were quiet, but he nodded in agreement. He knew she was right, after all. She was married, he'd missed his chance. Not to mention he was a father of seven, and he needed to set a good example for his children rather than living a life of impropriety, chasing her down for nights together when they needed one another. It was no life for either of them to live. And besides all of that, he knew he wouldn't be happy with only a part of her. He would want all of her, and it was impossible to ask.
She opened her eyes, looking at the bruise upon her hip once more. They may have only had the one night, but it was a night she would never forget for as long as she lived. She was thankful for it, for the time she had spent with him, and she decided in that moment that she would not be sorry for the time they shared. Sorry for the circumstances, for hurting her husband, of course, but she would feel regretful for nothing else. And that was all she would allow herself she decided as she turned off the shower to close a chapter of her life.