TW: Mental Health

I don't really remember my mother. I only have one memory of her, and I don't even know if I can call it that.

I know that when Sunny and I were babies, my mother would sing us to sleep. I remember the lyrics of that song, mainly because after my mom died, my grandfather tried to sing it to us, and when he died, Sylva would occasionally take over until we were too old for lullabies. Even then, Sunny and I would sing it to each other occasionally. I always imagined the meaning of the song to be about your lost loved ones watching over you, and about moving on.

I don't know if I can truly say I remember hearing my mother sing that song. For all I know, I just remember the lyrics in her voice. It would make sense given how many times I've heard her on television over the years.

Either way, when things are particularly bad, I play that song in my head as a way to calm myself.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I think this is going to be one of those times that it doesn't.

No one really speaks the entire walk away from our camp. Our glasses thankfully work in the dark, so we're able to see just fine. Camdyn grips Giemci's shoulders tightly, keeping her steady. I think she's still in shock. Thankfully, she doesn't seem to be injured, and as far as we can tell, she isn't in any danger of catching rabies like Decida did.

Decida…

I can't stop replaying the events in my head.

Was there anything I could have done differently?

Was there any possible way to save Giemci without having to do what I did?

I could have tried pulling her off of Giemci. I could have tried to knock her out. I could have realized what was happening sooner and found a way to keep it from getting that far.

"Stop that."

Lincoln's voice snaps me back to reality and I look up at him. He's looking right at me, his face pained but stern. "Stop what?" I ask.

"I know that look on your face. I see it all the time on athletes after they lose a game. You're trying to think of what you could have done differently."

"So?"

"So, I think there are many things we all could have done differently. Normally, I'd say learn from it and do better in the future, but I don't think anything better could have been done. There was only one way out for Decida, and while I don't claim to know her very well, I know what I would have wanted, and you gave that to her."

I shake my head. "Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but that still doesn't change the fact that she's dead because of me."

"She's dead because of the wolves," Drake says. "Had you not done what you did, we would have lost Giemci too. Yeah, it sucks. This entire thing sucks, but we're in the Hunger Games. Hard choices have to be made."

Hard choices… The thing is, I didn't think or choose. I just acted. I don't want to say it was on impulse, but I didn't exactly have time to think out what I did either. I just saw one rabid ally trying to strangle another. I did what I had to do…right?

No, you didn't. You didn't have to do anything. You chose this.

I squeeze my eyes shut. I did choose this, didn't I? I volunteered for the Games. Decida didn't.

The realization makes it all worse. I chose to be here the moment I raised my hand at the Reaping. I can't even say that it was to save someone. I didn't even let Luna read out the name on that slip of paper. I just threw my hand up and volunteered.

I thought I knew what I was getting into.

I had absolutely no idea, did I?

You should have. This is the Hunger Games. People are going to die.

"We should stop soon and get some rest," I say suddenly. "I… We can talk about all of this later, but we need to rest."

My other allies exchange looks and Lincoln sighs. "Alright, fine. But we are going to talk about this later."

"Sure," I reply. "That's fine."

We find a secluded spot to settle back down for the night. "How do you even expect us to sleep after that," Giemci asks as we set our camp back up. It's the first thing she's said since everything happened.

"Rest and sleep are two completely different things," Lincoln points out. "We can't afford to tire ourselves out. The Careers could be hunting us right now, and we can't fight them if we don't rest."

"Do you really think the Careers are hunting us?" Bran asks nervously.

"It's possible," Camdyn replies. "We're a pretty strong alliance. It's equally possible that they're hunting Nero. If they're smart, they'll be doing just that. Nero is a raging idiot, and I mean that in the least endearing way, but he is strong. If he got the drop on those four, he could probably cut that alliance in half before they took him out."

"Are we…still going to take them on?" Giemci asks quietly, her voice shaking.

"Yes," I say firmly. "If any of us are going to have even the slightest chance of getting out of here, Bronze and his crew have to go."

"Is that still a good idea?" Bran asks. "I mean, we got lost Decida. Wasn't she one of our best fighters?"

"We still have them on numbers," I reply. "Link, how good are you with that bow?"

"Four gold medals in archery," Lincoln replies.

"You must have been insanely rich in order to afford that," Bran muses.

Lincoln shrugs. "Not super, but my dad saved up some money. He wanted me to be able to use something if…well, this happened."

"Smart man," Camdyn replies. "We should save this conversation for another time though. If you can sleep, you should do it. I'll take watch."

"I'll join you," I reply.

"No, Amber," Camdyn says. "You need to-"

I cut her off. "I'll join you, Camdyn."

Everyone gets comfortable, but I can instantly tell that no one is going to be sleeping again tonight. The silence is deafening. I try to think of my mother's song, but it does nothing to quell the storm of thoughts and emotions in my head. "Can I ask you something?" I ask, looking at Camdyn. "And you totally don't have to answer this."

"Sure?" Camdyn replies, clearly perplexed.

"Why did you volunteer? You…don't take this the wrong way, but you don't strike me as 'I want to bring honor to my district' type."

Camdyn tries to stifle a laugh. "None taken." She looks down for a moment and smiles wistfully. "I have a little brother back home, around Bran's age. Like me, he was enrolled in the Peacekeeper Academy when he was old enough. He has the potential to even become a tribute. I don't want that for him and he knows it. I volunteered so that he wouldn't. If I win, he won't need to. If I die…"

"It'd discourage him…" Bran breathes.

"I hope so, but after seeing Nero and what happened to him two years ago…" She shakes her head. "Gaius is a good kid. I don't see him turning out like Nero personality-wise…but I'm worried he'll do something stupid either way." She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a plastic bag. Inside is a photo of a smiling boy. He looks so cheerful like this world has yet to break him.

"He won't," Drake says. "If you don't make it home and one of us does…"

"I appreciate the thought," Camdyn says, "but once Gaius sets his mind to something, that's it. I made sure he'd be well taken care of though."

"You told him you loved him before you left, right?" I ask. Camdyn nods and I reach out and squeeze her hand. "Then you did everything you could."

"Yeah," Camdyn replies, squeezing my hand back. "I did. Now that I've answered your question, mind if I ask you one?"

I nod. "Go for it."

"Why do you wear two necklaces?"

I frown, my hand flying to the hearts around my neck. "One belonged to my sister."

"Sundance Reeves, right?" Lincoln asks. "From two years ago?"

I nod and, surprising even myself, I explain everything. My family, their fates, and the significance of the necklaces around my neck.

They deserve to know the truth. They deserve to know that just by being near me, they could die.

"So, everyone thinks you're cursed because your family died?" Camdyn asks.

I nod. "That pretty much sums it up. No one wanted to be around us, especially after the curse killed my dad, along with a lot of other people."

"That's kind of messed up," Lincoln says.

I shrug. "It is what it is. I've gotten used to it."

"Weren't you lonely?" Camdyn asks. "After you lost your sister, I mean?"

"A little, yeah, but I had Sylva and Rycin. And now I have you guys so…" I shrug again. "It wasn't all that bad."

"Is that why you volunteered?" Bran asks quietly.

I look down at the leaves and take one in my hand, gently running my thumb over the smooth surface. I thought it was. I really did. Now that I've murdered a girl, I'm not so sure. I'm even less sure that it was a good one.

One by one, the others fall back asleep. Even Giemci seems to tire herself out eventually. Soon, it's just me and Camdyn.

"Will you be okay?" she asks.

I want to say yes, but that would be a lie. I want to say no, but that would be admitting weakness. I think I've done enough of that for one night.

I take a deep breath and force the storm to calm.

"I'll be fine," I reply.

I am a Reeves. I have to be strong. I cannot let myself break down, not yet.

Whatever I feel right now can wait.

Amber's starting to feel the pressure of the arena and is starting to have a bit of an identity crisis of sorts, at least that's what I'm hoping to get across. She's doubting everything, that's for sure. I'll admit, this chapter wasn't easy to write either. I'm not the best at the whole emotions thing, but I hope I got the main points across without romanticizing it. I used my experiences with my own mental health to write this chapter. (Disclaimer: I am fine now.) Amber had to make a difficult choice and she's not handling what happened as well as she thought she would. She has had herself convinced that she's not a good person who would be willing to let her allies die, even willing to kill some of them if it came down to it, but when faced with that reality, well, that's an entirely different story.

This story is hitting some very heavy topics. I don't want to spoil what's going to happen but I will warn you, it's going to get worse before it gets better. This is the Hunger Games after all. However, there is a point to all of this, and I'm looking forward to getting there. I hope it will make all of the sadness worth it.

I don't want this to be all doom and gloom, so on a happier note, for those of you who check the status updates on my profile, I am NOT sorry for the cheese puns and I will leave them up there for a few more days because I was in a mood and it needs to be immortalized. On another happy note, my favorite baseball team is three wins away from going to the World Series! I'm both excited and terrified. No matter what happens though, I'm happy they made it this far. Two weeks ago, I wasn't even sure they'd make the postseason so it's been a pleasant surprise. (So sorry if these updates are annoying, but as a baseball fan, I'm legally required to be superstitious and it's worked so far!)

Until next time!