Chapter Fifteen

Morale was utterly broken amongst the remnants of the once noble and proud Order of the Phoenix. The losses they experienced had been devastating. Most of the survivors had given up or were on the verge of doing so. In their weak and addled minds, there was no point in continuing to fight a foe that was so much more powerful. How had they been so anxious and courageous to rally behind a teenager but broken when he failed?

Hermione hated them for their cowardice. The more she learned about the ones who were supposedly on her side, the more she despised them for their weakness and naïveté. Did they really believe they were going to fight in a deadly war and come out the other side losing nothing? Children believed that sort of nonsense. The grown adults with families they loved who were ready to roll over to the enemy made her sick. Why had so many pathetic losers survived? Perhaps a better question would be to ask how they hadn't fallen in battle. Likely they hid or ran away the first chance they got.

The world had not been kind to the ones they left behind when they went on their horcrux hunt. Shivering and starving to death inside that damned tent that smelled strongly of cats, they hadn't been aware of what the war was doing to those who hadn't run. While she could understand that they had suffered tragedies and hardships, she struggled to understand why they were still shuffling around unable to move on. Wasn't life just one terrible moment after another? It seemed so to her limited experience.

There had been a rumor that Hermione was captured and being held in Hogsmeade. Funny how sometimes even the truth could get out amongst the whispers. Desperate to find their friend again, Harry and Ron didn't hesitate to go towards the potential danger in the village. They should have. Had they learned nothing in the years since they first arrived at Hogwarts and were forced to endure some of the most bizarre and dangerous experiences that no child should've ever been exposed to? But no, she supposed they hadn't because every time, no matter how awful and hopeless it had been, they managed to scrape by with their lives intact. Was it unreasonable to assume that their luck would continue?

Apparently, their rescue mission had been a disaster from the very beginning. When she heard the details from the few Order members who were willing to talk about it, she sighed in resigned frustration. Ron had the strategic mind the three of them relied on when they were making their plans. As an expert at wizard chess, he had the natural inclination towards strategy that failed both Hermione and Harry. But, he was only a teenager who was thrust into a terrifying situation where he most likely allowed his emotions to cloud his judgement. Too often when he was worried about a loved one, Ron would act first and then think later. Considering Harry was always the sort to rush into danger without giving it much thought, they were a deadly combination.

Hermione tried to ignore the overpowering guilt that settled deep into her chest. It had all been her fault. If she hadn't broken the Taboo and gotten herself captured, she would've been there with them together. There would've been no need to rush off without a plan to chase every scrap of rumor they heard whispered on the wind. Because there was still some hope in her boys that she was alive and capable of being saved, they kept searching. It would've been better for everyone if Dolohov murdered her in the snow the night he caught her or dragged her back to Voldemort for a more public execution. At least then they wouldn't have had hope.

Walking straight into a trap in Hogsmeade, it didn't take long before Harry and Ron were both captured by the Death Eaters who had been stationed in the village to patrol for any potential troublemakers. She didn't know which Death Eaters were ultimately responsible for catching her best friends, but she supposed it didn't really matter. They were all the same. Given the opportunity, she would make each and every one of them pay just the same, especially the three she loathed above all others.

Word always spread quickly in their society. Once it was known that Voldemort and his homicidal maniac followers had them within their grasps, the few remaining Order members with any courage rushed to do what they could. A battle of forces quickly commenced. While there was a number of casualties, even fatalities, on both sides, the side that once practically worshipped Albus Dumbledore suffered the most. Scattered all around the village, the bodies were left behind in the mad rush to get out with their lives. Fred continued to feel immense shame that he couldn't grab his twin brother's fallen body when he made his escape. No doubt it would continue to bother him for the rest of his life.

None of the survivors could fully explain the explosions she'd felt the day she made her own escape. Though it seemed it was an Order member who caused them as a distraction to allow the survivors to keep running, no one was sure who it had been. Maybe it was just a Death Eater trying to stow even more confusion and chaos than already existed. Some of those nutters lived for creating havoc and pain. She supposed she should be thankful that the explosions happened at all. Several were able to get far enough out of the range of the village by foot to Apparate thanks to the smoke.

Still no one would tell her how Harry died. Maybe they were all collectively banding together to shield her from the worst of the details. Or perhaps it had been done in secret. None of the Death Eaters responsible for ruining her life had been in a rush to tell her what was done. It was possible Dolohov was still holding onto the details for an opportunity to make her wish she was dead herself in the near future. That was something to look forward to.

"Are you going to go back on another horcrux hunt?"

The question was asked casually over breakfast one morning after Hermione had been in Tonks' house for a week. Not entirely surprised to hear it, she looked up to see Remus Lupin trying to appear as if he wasn't dying inside to know the answer. It was strange. Something about her former professor had been off since she first spoke to him the morning Kingsley brought her there. He was changed, altered by the war and the personal circumstances of his own life.

"I'm going to continue to search for them, if that's what you're asking. We can't afford to not."

"Can I go with you the next time you leave for a hunt?"

She remembered how angry Harry had gotten when Remus dropped by Number Twelve Grimmauld Place to bring the happy news that Tonks had her baby. What should have been a joyful moment was forever marred by the new father's request that he be allowed to abandon his family to join them doing whatever it was they were doing. He hadn't even known the details or purpose of the mission, but he was ready to give everything up when his family needed him most just to run away.

Just as Harry was furious at him for wanting to abandon his responsibilities, Hermione felt some of the same anger and hatred bubble up inside of her too. He would really just drop everything to go put his life in danger constantly because he couldn't stand the thought of being a loving husband and father? The man had serious emotional issues. It wasn't her problem. She wouldn't invite that sort of madness into her life.

Once when it was understood how close of friends Remus had been with Harry's father, he asked Hermione in private why he never tried to find him after his parents died. Sirius literally tried to take him out of the wreckage of his house to protect and raise as his own. If Dumbledore hadn't interfered, maybe he would have and a great deal of pain and suffering could have been avoided. But, not once did Harry ever have a visit from someone who was supposedly as close to his father and his mother as a brother. It didn't make sense to him. Part of him felt rejected all over again.

Hermione had no good answers for her friend in his pain. All she could offer him was the reminder that not everyone was made to be a parent. Some people just didn't have instincts or the desire to care for children. Remus might have loved Harry as an extension of his friends, but that didn't automatically mean he was just like an uncle. It wasn't the most automatic or natural action of a person to immediately wish to adopt the children of their friends just because they were dead. For some, it might have been, but it wasn't for most. Maybe Remus felt shame that he didn't feel up to caring for the orphaned child of his best friends and that was what kept him away for so long. There could be any number of reasons why he didn't jump in in the absence of Harry's parents to fill a hole.

But as soon as he made it clear not once, but twice that he was willing to abandon his own child to run off to danger, Hermione understood. Part of her hated Remus even more. Was everyone left to fight nothing but a selfish coward?

"Even if I had the intention to live in a tent again, which I don't, the tent was lost."

If he pressed the issue further, she would resort to being more blunt. She would mention his family and even bring up how angry Harry was the first time he tried to run out on them. It might make the living situation under the roof of the safe house uncomfortable, but she would get her point across.

"I see."

She was relieved that he understood. Personally, she liked the man and always had. If she hadn't, she wouldn't have been willing to keep the secret of his being a werewolf to herself for so long. No one was perfect and they all had made terrible mistakes in their pasts, but she refused to be active in helping him make another one.

"We still don't know where to start to find the next horcrux as it is."

Once she made it out of the confines of the Shrieking Shack, she thought she would feel more confident and happier. Unfortunately, the sense of helplessness she experienced being trapped in her prison hadn't gone away. She was ready to fight, to give her life some meaning. Moving from one prison to another hadn't been much help. Even if she technically had the rights and ability to leave the safe house, she knew she would be in a great deal of danger out in the real world. With Dolohov even more anxious to make her pay for the perceived insults she'd given him, she would never be able to rest comfortably.

Over and over again in her head she went over what she knew about the horcruxes. It was, sadly, not nearly enough. Tom Riddle's journal was the first horcrux and it was destroyed by Harry in second year with the basilisk fang. The second was the cursed ring that Dumbledore found in the ruins of Voldemort's family's home. Thankfully, that too had been destroyed with the Sword of Gryffindor. The locket that they took such pains to steal from Umbridge was destroyed with the sword too on the night she was captured. Both Harry and Ron had been so pleased to enter into their tent with the destroyed locket and the sword. She pushed away the regret that she ever stormed out of there.

Three destroyed horcruxes was something to be proud of, but she knew they weren't nearly done. They felt confident that Voldemort turned the gold cup that once belonged to Helga Hufflepuff into a horcrux. Where that ended up was really anyone's guess. Based on his desire to collect items that once belonged to the Founders, it wasn't illogical to assume he had something that belonged to either Ravenclaw or Gryffindor. And then Snape had the theory that the snake that followed around the Dark Lord was really a horcrux. That left, at minimum, three more they needed to discover and destroy.

She didn't like considering his theory that Harry had been an accidental horcrux. As much as it made sense, it upset her too. Knowing that a part of Voldemort's evil soul had been stuck inside her best friend for nearly his entire life was a nightmare. The only consolation she had was that at least with him dead, that was probably one less horcrux to worry about.

"Hermione, this owl just arrived for you. There's one for Kingsley too."

Tonks handed over a tiny rolled parchment. Grateful for any excuse to put an end to the conversation with Remus, she unrolled it.

Caves - SS

Knowing exactly what the terse message was asking of her, Hermione sighed. She really didn't feel in the mood to go skulking about the Hogsmeade Caves again that day to meet in private with the wizard she still wasn't one hundred percent sure wasn't a traitor. Kingsley wasn't even available to go with her either. Was she foolish enough to answer the summons alone?

Of course she was. Anything to get out of the stifling atmosphere of the safe house and make her feel like she was actually doing something. Not telling anyone where she was going out of concern that one of them might try to follow, she rushed out into the back garden. Seconds later she was standing at the base of the cave she had hoped only a short time earlier to never be in again.

"Are you alone?"

Severus Snape had always had a knack for making her feel like she was unwelcome. Suppressing the urge to roll her eyes and sigh in frustration out of concern he would just dismiss her again as an annoying teenager, Hermione stepped further into the cave before speaking. Voices could carry if they weren't careful. She had no desire to be caught meeting with Snape in private in the caves. Neither side would be pleased with that arrangement.

"Kingsley couldn't make it. He left early this morning before the sun was even up. He didn't tell me where he was going."

"I see."

It bothered her that Snape had been able to send an owl to their hiding place. How was that even possible? She assumed that it had been well hidden with charms and enchantments. Maybe she had been wrong. As a Muggle house for over two hundred years, it was entirely possible that the Order just assumed no Death Eater would think it housed any wizards or witches. When she returned to the safe house, she resolved to ask some questions about their safety.

"I have been quietly asking questions."

There was no need to ask him what he had been questions about. All any of them had been concerned about since they learned about Voldemort's horcruxes were how to find them and destroy them. She hoped that he had some good news to share. Being alone with him made her terribly uncomfortable, especially because she knew he had been a witness to some very private, intimate moments she wished he hadn't been.

"It's hardly a topic that can be easily brought up. If anyone suspects that I know anything about them, I would be killed by the Dark Lord immediately. So would anyone who reported me for that matter. This isn't something that he would want anyone to know."

"I understand. I know that you asking around is putting you in danger."

Truthfully, she respected the man for even attempting to use his darker connections to seek out answers that might be helpful in their crusade. It would be much easier and safer for him to simply wash his hands of it all. He stood a much better chance of living a long life if he didn't put a target on his back.

"I suspect there is something in the Lestrange Vault at Gringotts."

That was information she could use. Trying her best to not get her hopes up, Hermione felt a little buoyed by his announcement. Bellatrix and the other Lestranges were often considered to be the most loyal and ardent followers Voldemort ever had. It would make sense if he was willing to trust them with a serious artifact. Bellatrix would kill everyone in the world including herself before she betrayed her master. The loyalty was impressive if also a little sickening.

"Why do you think that?"

"The Sword of Gryffindor was found amongst the possessions of your friends. As it was supposed to be in the Lestrange Vault, you can understand there was a bit of an uproar from Bellatrix."

There was no question in the mind of anyone who had the misfortune to be in the same room with the witch for more than a few seconds that she was unhinged. Hermione could only imagine how upset she had been when she feared the sanctity of her Gringott's vault was breached.

"I believe I managed to convince her that Potter and Weasley possessed only a copy of the sword. There has to be something important inside her vault that she doesn't want anyone to know about."

"That makes sense. Now I suppose we just need to figure out how to get inside that vault."

"No, you need to figure out how to get inside the vault. I want no part of it. I am merely passing along the information I have received."

Even if he was being a bit obnoxious about his refusal to do anything more to help, Hermione couldn't help but feel a little amused with the wizard's reaction. She couldn't disagree with his reluctance. If she didn't feel a responsibility to complete the mission herself, she would try to avoid the necessary danger that came with it as much as possible too. Self-preservation might not have been a Gryffindor trait, but she understood it.

"And that is all of the information that I currently possess. If you will excuse me…"

Before Hermione could let him leave, she wanted to clear the air between them. For a reason she didn't fully understand, it suddenly became necessary in her mind to explain what he saw when he was in the Shrieking Shack. To even bring up the events that he witnessed was humiliating beyond description. She knew it was important nonetheless that he know why she was willing to do what she did. As much as she might not like the man, she did feel a certain level of respect for him at the same time.

"When I was in the Shrieking Shack…"

Snape's shoulders stiffened. It was uncomfortable being alone with him. Because of what he saw, she doubted that would ever change.

"I know what you saw must have been confusing."

"No. It wasn't."

"I… I was using Thorfinn. I thought if I could get him to…"

He held up his hand as if he wanted her to stop talking. Any other time and any other subject, she might have been tempted to listen. Instead, she just blurted out what she was trying so hard just moments earlier to delicately say.

"I had sex with him because that seemed the easiest way to get him on my side."

When he didn't immediately respond, she felt the uncomfortable silence too strongly. She didn't like feeling like she was trapped under his judgmental scrutiny again. It was difficult enough when he was just standing over her cauldron judging its contents. Having an unfavorable opinion about what she did with her own body seemed much worse.

"He was anxious for some sort of connection. I don't know how to explain it, but I used that desire. I let him think that I wanted him too because I hoped he would get me out of there."

"This may surprise you, Miss Granger, but I do understand. You were doing what you could with what you had to stay alive. That's proof that you are not without intelligence."

Coming from him that was practically a compliment. Unsure what she expected from him in response, she felt somewhat relieved.

"You did what was necessary to survive. There should be no guilt in that."

"I just wanted you to know."

"Because you felt guilty. Stop. Guilt will do nothing but eat away at your insides until you are nothing but a shell of a person."

Perhaps feeling like he might have said more than he intended, Snape rushed towards the exit of the cave. He was gone before she could even say a proper goodbye. Not that it really mattered. Once he was no longer in her sight, she felt better. While he might have had an excellent point about guilt and releasing it, she didn't know how. She probably would never feel entirely at ease around the man no matter how long either one of them lived.

Just a couple of minutes after their meeting abruptly ended, Hermione was in the back garden of the Order safe house again. She waited a minute before heading into the kitchen door to just enjoy the fresh air. Still very cold that time of year, she appreciated the chill in the air.

"You weren't gone long. I was just about to see if I could meet you in the caves."

Kingsley had an impressive habit of being able to sneak up on a person with them unaware. It must have been very helpful when he was working as an auror for the Ministry. Thanks to the war and his breaking of the Taboo, he had been forced into an unwelcome unemployment. He wasn't the sort of man who was content to just sit around doing nothing. It was not a surprise that he was often in and out of the house running mysterious errands he would tell no one about. The waiting for something to happen must have been torture for a man of action like him.

"There wasn't much for him to tell me. He suspects that there is something hidden in the Lestrange Gringotts vault, but he doesn't know what it might be. Bellatrix was very angry when she thought that the Sword of Gryffindor was stolen out of her vault. It's not for certain, but it's the best lead I've had in a long time."

"It sounds logical."

"We need to figure out how to get into the vault. I'm not sure how though. The goblins haven't been interested in getting involved in our petty squabbles."

"No, they have not."

Hermione didn't have the first clue how they were going to get into the Gringotts vault. It seemed like an impossible task. There was a reason why generations of wealthy witches and wizards entrusted their family fortunes to the goblins who ran the bank. They always felt confident that their funds were secure. Breaking into a vault that she was certain would be as high-security as they came wouldn't be easy. She tried to hide her frustration even as another annoyed sigh slipped out of her mouth.

"There was more, wasn't there? You wouldn't be this pensive and exhausted if you only talked about a bank vault with Severus."

Finally it was her chance to come clean with Kingsley. More than once she had tried, but it wasn't the right time to unburden herself. Offering her a chance, she chose to take it.

"Snape saw me in a very delicate position with Thorfinn Rowle the day he discovered I was hidden in the Shrieking Shack."

"I see."

Kingsley's voice remained calm. His facial expression were neutral. She didn't have the first clue just looking at him what must have been going through his mind.

"It was mortifying."

"I can imagine."

"I chose to because I thought it would help get Thorfinn on my side. Maybe I could use him later on to help me escape."

She didn't know why it was so important that she make Kingsley understand why she had been willing to go to bed with an actual Death Eater. His opinion of her meant more than she realized.

"Snape said I shouldn't feel guilty for doing what I had to to stay alive."

"He's right. Do you?"

"No, I don't."

And she meant it. Maybe a small part of her felt shame in the beginning, but when she really thought about it, she knew she would do it again if necessary.

"Good. Forget about it. You're alive. Let's keep you that way."