Author's note: I am beyond frustrated with myself for having abandoned this story for four years but I am back and am nearly finished with it altogether. I have all the way up to halfway through chapter thirteen completed and there will be a total of fifteen chapters. I was going to wait to start posting but I know I will finish this story this time. I will post one chapter a week until I finish writing the entire story and then will post two chapters a week until everything has been posted. Thank you in advance to anyone who may still be reading this.
Chapter Five
When Lorna's eyes opened she immediately observed she was no longer in the room she fell asleep in earlier with Nicky and Sterling. The second observation she made upon reawakening was the heavy weight against her chest. She rapidly maneuvered herself into a sitting position and upon glancing down she noticed the weight was a five pound bag of flour cradled in her arms. Eyes searched around the room quickly concluding the cell hadn't been her own from the layout of the bunks.
A pair of arms wrapped around her from behind and pulled her back against a warm chest. She didn't even need to look to know exactly who's arms those happened to be. She could effortlessly differentiate Nicky's arms from anyone else's. The sensation instantly washed her over with a sense of calm—a sense of comfort. It encouraged her eyes to close for a few moments while her body naturally nestled closer to the radiating warmth coming off of Nicky's body.
"I—there's a bag a flour in my arms, Nicky. Did—how…why? Did my son turn into a bag a flour?" Lorna questioned once she reopened her eyes and reluctantly sat up from Nicky's embrace so that she was able to properly peer into Nicky's eyes. The current predicament was hard for her to wrap her mind around. How could her sweet, bubbly, Sterling magically morph into a stiff bag of flour? Eyebrows knitted ponderously above her two heavily puzzled eyes which remained staring into the older woman's brown ones.
Air huffed out of Nicky's throat. She swallowed thickly and resecured her arms around Lorna's petite frame, naturally pulling her right back down against her body's front. The fact that Lorna still, wholeheartedly, believed that her late son had physically been crawling around the floors of the prison only continued to prove to Nicky how much help she needed in order to move past this. Help she knew wouldn't properly be given to Lorna in there just the same as the help Red needed. Neither would improve if the prison refused to seek outside help for them.
Though Gloria's words from their previous conversation played through her mind Nicky couldn't sit there and lie to Lorna. No matter how painful the truth was Lorna needed to hear it over and over until there wasn't anything left to do other than accept it as what it was. Nicky was never one to sugarcoat things, she had no desire to start doing so now. "Doll, you've been carrying the bag of flour the entire time," her husky voice carefully started off, fingers combing soothingly through Lorna's thick brown strands of hair.
Eyes softened the longer they lingered down into the brunette's. Nicky sighed seeing the blatant fatigue which emanated from Lorna's entire face. She moved her hand off of her head and onto the flesh of one of her cheeks, stroking it with her thumb. "I know it's hard for ya to admit this but your baby—he died, babe, from pneumonia. What you saw earlier was only a hallucination which is probably from the heroin ya took. I'm so sorry, doll," she murmured having placed her lips delicately overtop the rim of one of Lorna's ears.
Pneumonia. Hospital, death. Hallucinations? Her mind felt comparable to a traffic jam on a five lane highway with crosswalks sporadically thrown throughout it and no traffic lights alerting anyone who's turn it was to go. Each time an image of her son flashed through her mind she could see a bus with no driver coming towards her at full speed. There was no way to stop it since it had no driver. Just like her mind. More and more, lately, it was as if she had no control over what thoughts ran through it. By the time they popped through her mind she was unable to do anything about them. There was a traffic jam inside of her head. Constantly, incessantly and she had no clue how to clear it out.
The silence had gone on for long enough. Nicky sat staring down at Lorna, watching the expression on her face change for nearly five minutes. Eyebrows knitted worriedly above her two brown eyes. A sigh whistled out of her windpipe. "Talk to me, please. What're ya thinkin' about, huh?" Fingers gently brushed through the thick strands of Lorna's brown waves in the hopes of comfortingly luring her out of her thoughtful mind. Her thoughtful mind which always seemed to have such a powerful hold over Lorna.
Eyes wavered momentarily onto her arms where the flour bag had still remained wrapped in. Lorna swallowed down the apprehension she felt building up within her. She let one of her thumbs run along the paper material of the flour bag in her grasp. "So, uh, ya mean the whole time I was holding my baby that it—it was just a bag a flour?" Face scrunched up slightly as she questioned Nicky. She observed as the older woman gave a slow nod along with a sympathetic mien oozing from her big brown eyes.
Lorna sighed, shoulders somewhat slumping along with the exhalation of air. Her stare faltered away from Nicky and she let the bag of flour fall from her arms, colliding noisily onto the thin mattress beneath where the pair of them were sitting. It was a challenge to come to terms with the simple fact she had imagined her son's presence entirely. That she wholeheartedly believed a bag of flour to be her little boy. She could hardly believe she thought such a thing was real.
"I'm crazy? Am I crazy or do-do ya think it was really just from the uh the-the heroin?" The last part was whispered out of guilt that she had even allowed herself to make such a decision. A decision to take a drug she knew was harmful. The same drug the woman who she loved had been in prison for in the first place.
"No, doll, you're not crazy. I know everyone's been callin' ya looney Lorna but that's not true, okay? It's definitely just the heroin. Heroin is a powerful drug and that's why ya can't ever touch that shit again, ya hear me? It ain't good for ya. Believe me. I know how good the high feels but it's not fucking worth it," Nicky did her best to lovingly assure the younger woman but deep within her gut she wasn't entirely sure if the hallucination was just from the heroin.
The guilt rapidly grew stronger after Nicky's revelation. Tears formed at the bottom of Lorna's eyelids. She should have never went through with getting her hands on that drug to begin with. After being refused it by Alex, she should have left it at that. But she didn't and now not only did she have to suffer the consequences of her horrid decision but so did Nicky. Nicky surely hadn't deserved to be put through that. Nicky put way too much of her energy and attention on her Lorna knew and all that did was intensify the guilt and shame she felt.
She hadn't meant for Nicky to be pulled back into her messy life like she happened to be now. As much as she had loathed the idea of Nicky and that tater-tot loving girl together, she also realized at least that was healthier for her. Shani wouldn't continuously surround Nicky with a cesspool of insanity like she would. In her mind that was how she saw it, anyway. But it was clear Nicky didn't care—or rather maybe she just hadn't even considered such fact. Certainly, if Nicky had considered the thought she wouldn't be sitting there with Lorna now.
"I'm sorry," Lorna muttered, barely able to even look Nicky in the eye any longer from how incredibly shameful she felt. Her body craved the warmth and comfort Nicky was giving her but she couldn't accept it. Not with how guilty she felt for dragging Nicky down in her problems once again. She reluctantly forced her way from Nicky's arms, situating herself so that she was sitting on the edge of the mattress with legs dangling over the side of it.
Eyebrows curved over two heavily concerned eyes. Nicky folded her arms over her chest while gazing compassionately over at Lorna. "There's no reason for you to be sorry. What're ya apologizing for, baby? Why'd ya move so far away?"
Air escaped softly from Lorna's windpipe. Her heart felt heavy as she sat on the edge of the bed, eyes peering behind her at the blatantly worried Nicky. Easily she was able to observe the pain seeping from Nicky's gentle brown eyes and such a sight only continued to tighten Lorna's chest. She swallowed thickly, yearning to touch Nicky but only placing both hands into her lap. "For getting you caught up in my mess again, hon. I-I'm sorry I took the heroin and for being real crazy. You should be at the ICE now having a peaceful time with Shani not stuck here with me. All I do is make your life worse, and-and I wish I didn't. I wish I could be a betta person for ya because-because I love you so so much. But I'm just no good for ya, hon."
By that point Lorna could barely look at Nicky any longer. Her head bowed down in shame of herself, in shame of her behavior. Nicky was the only person she could imagine spending her life with and, yet, she knew she couldn't do that. Nicky deserved better than her; she deserved to be with a person who always put her first, who always chose her first. Both were things Lorna had failed to do recently and she couldn't express enough how much she regretted those decisions. How badly she wished she could turn back time so she could choose differently.
Unfortunately there was no way to go backwards, only forward. No matter how much she wanted to be a better person for Nicky she knew there was no undoing what had already been done. She couldn't make up for all the shit she had put her through previously. She was therefore undeserving of being with Nicky any longer.
Nicky couldn't stop from repeatedly shaking her head upon hearing Lorna's revelation. A disheartening, untrue, revelation at that. Gently, she reached a thumb across to tuck a loose strand of Lorna's brown hair behind her ear with. "What makes ya think that shit, kid? I'd much rather be here with you than at that stupid ICE kitchen mundanely cutting up garbage food that's months outta date. I love you, Lorna—"
"I know ya love me, hon, and I love you too but I'm real toxic for ya. You've even said ya can't keep being with someone who keeps hurtin' ya and that's all I do is hurt you. You don't deserve that, Nicky. At least Shani treats ya betta than that," Lorna truthfully told her, swallowing uneasily at the continuous mention of Shani. She felt nauseous every time she said her name. But she couldn't deny the reality that Shani was better for Nicky than she was despite how deeply she loved Nicky.
A lump gradually shaped in the back of Nicky's mouth while listening to Lorna's response. She had said something similar to her in the past and she stood by it but now, now was different. Lorna was vulnerable and clearly needed her. There was not a chance she was going to up and abandon her at a time like this. When it was easily blatant how much Lorna was going through at this point in her life. And despite all the tribulations the pair had gone through together in the last several months, the love she had for Lorna still remained just as strong as ever. She couldn't help from loving who she loved no matter if it was good for her or not.
Nicky sighed, removing her hand from behind Lorna's ear and instead wrapping her arms once more around her waist. Which inadvertently pulled Lorna's body closer to her own. She nuzzled her cheek tenderly against the side of Lorna's head. "Look, doll, we've both been toxic to each other at one time or another but that doesn't negate our love for each other, does it? I know I've said things to ya in the past but my heart wants you. I want you. What do you want, kid? Be honest with me. If you love me as much as I love you then I don't see why we can't try to be together?"
The younger woman let out a sigh of her own. She reluctantly allowed her body to relax into the loving embrace Nicky was giving her while also wrapping her arms securely around Nicky's upper torso. Her face naturally pressed up against the crook of the other's neck where her lips softly brushed onto the flesh peeping out of the neck hole of her thick cotton shirt. "I love you more than I've loved Vinny and-and I wish I could take back ever meeting him. I really do, hon. I wish I could undo everything I did when-when you were away in max the first time. I wish I was a different person," her voice slightly cracked the more she let out. Lorna kept her face hidden underneath Nicky's chin as she felt a few tears slowly make their way from her brown eyes.
Sensing the moistness on the edge of her cotton shirt Nicky determined Lorna was crying and said realization instantly strengthened how tightly her arms were wrapped around the woman. Tenderly and cautiously, she leaned her face down to easily press a warm kiss over the top of Lorna's head. One hand was used to soothingly stroke up and down Lorna's back. "I don't want you to be a different person, Lorna. I love you exactly how ya are," was the first thing she stated wanting to instantly reassure the younger woman.
Air whistled out of her esophagus. Nicky pulled Lorna closer out of instinct hearing the sheer guilt inflecting through her voice. A hard lump was swallowed down while she busied the fingers of one of her hands with delicately combing through thick brown strands of Lorna's hair. Their eyes met and Nicky felt her lungs release yet another sigh. She moved her hand from her hair over to her face, cupping it softly around one of her cheeks. "The past is the past, kid. We can't go back and change it no matter how bad we wanna. What happened before doesn't matter anymore. What matters now is that you've realized your feelings. I just want you to be sure that this is what ya want, yeah? I do love you and want to be with you but I can't do it if you're not serious, ya know?"
"I wanna be with you, hon. Real bad but I just—what about Shani? I thought ya liked her? I don't wanna mess things up for ya if ya do." Her throat suddenly grew thickened with saliva. She swallowed it down but more showed up in its place. Lips twitched downward into a frown. Eyes shifted slightly away from Nicky's gazing off into the abyss.
Biting down her bottom lip, Nicky felt her own thickened mouth full of saliva. She gulped it away and used her hand which had still been cupped around one of Lorna's cheeks to softly move it right back in front of her own. There were a few stranded tears she noticed immediately after maneuvering the brunette's face opposite of hers. Lungs released a heavy breath upon such a disheartening sight. Fingers brushed their way up along the length of her cheek until they landed on the spot where the tear droplets resided, quickly stroking them away.
"Lorna, baby, you are the woman I love. I don't love Shani—I mean she's nice and everything but she's not the one I want to spend my future with…you are. You always have been, doll. Even if ya never admitted your feelings for me you'd still be who I secretly wished I could spend the resta my life with."
Once again tears reignited from Lorna's eyes and streamed down along her cheeks. Arms were thrown tightly around Nicky's shoulders, instantly pushing their bodies closer together. It was mere impossible for her to express her gratitude in that moment other than with an affectionate embrace. Words were a challenge for Lorna's mind to form as if she had temporarily been tongue tied. She stroked her lips tenderly over the nape of Nicky's neck which was just slightly peeping out of the cotton of her shirt.
There wasn't anything she wanted more than to finally be with Nicky but remained guilty at the thought of having exactly what her heart desired. She couldn't get behind the fact that that would ever be something she deserved to have after everything she had put the redhead through since the pair had met two years ago. However, for right now, she tried to rid herself of the negative thoughts. She tried to allow herself to just exist in the current moment. All that was missing in her life was her son. She swallowed thickly to avoid from another round of tears. Her throat had already felt rather raw; if she cried anymore her throat would surely collapse in on itself.
Eyes very gradually returned their stare directly into the soft and compassionate eyes of her beloved Nicky. Fingers traced up from where they had rested on her neck up to the edge of her face right below her jawline. They stroked softly, delicately, around the surrounding area. "I don't deserve you, hon," she said no louder than a mere whisper. However, her hold on the taller woman hadn't faltered, only tightened. She bent her head down so that her lips could collide into Nicky's. "I don't even know how to express my feelings to ya other than with a kiss."
Nicky's lips twitched into a frown at said comment. She squeezed Lorna close to her body while momentarily closing her eyes and taking in several deep breaths. Hands found their way behind the brunette's head, cradling affectionately around the base of it. She let her fingers rake over and over through the thick brown waves that cascaded from its scalp. "You can think and say that all ya want about not deserving my love but, doll, that doesn't make it true. I wish ya didn't feel that way. You're a good person and you do deserve to be loved. I hope one day you'll believe that, Lorna," she softly proclaimed, tilting her head to better be able to stare down at Lorna.
A sigh tumbled its way out of Lorna's throat. If only it was as easy and simple as that. How could she believe she was worthy of love when all she tended to do was hurt those who gave it to her? She swallowed and uneasily returned Nicky's intense gaze. For a measly second a faint smile pursed from her lips but then quickly vanished. Being there with Nicky, cuddled up together in the bed of her cell, she felt both a warmth run through her veins and a knot of guilt settle into the pit of her stomach. It reminded her of old times back in regular Litchfield. Before all the shit went down with Vinny and the riot. Before Lorna made all those selfish decisions.
As she lied there, her arms draped softly around Nicky's abdomen, she closed her eyes and wished she could go back in time to change the decisions she made. Wished she had never gotten pregnant, that she had never chosen anything to unintentionally cause harm to her precious Nicky. Wishful thinking wouldn't do her any good. There was no such thing as going back in time. Her lungs filled with so much air it erupted without even a thought on Lorna's behalf.
"If anyone's a good person here, hon, it's you," Lorna murmured into the thick material of Nicky's shirt. Her throat suddenly became raw, and no amount of swallowing eased the sensation. Lips found their way onto the spot where Nicky's neck was peeping out of the shirt hole, and they immediately pressed down on it in a warm little peck. "You're the most selfless person I know…if anyone here is deserving of love, it's you. You're an angel, hon. I'll do whatever I can to make up for all the pain I caused ya."
ICE kitchen duty was nearing but Lorna's earlier energy had swiftly disappeared from her body. The last time she had attended was before she and Nicky were on their previous terms of friendship again. An unnerving sensation melded into the pit of her stomach. The thought of seeing Shani and Nicky in the same room together caused a bout of nausea to form. She tried not to be bothered by it; she knew Nicky didn't have feelings for the Egyptian woman and even if Nicky had, she knew it wasn't her place to get upset over the matter. Nicky deserved happiness with whoever she was meant to be with.
The scent of coffee was what lured Lorna from her slumber that morning. She reluctantly popped her eyes open from their lids and was surprised to see Nicky hanging in the doorway of her cell with a brown mug of coffee in her hands. It took another couple of minutes for Lorna to finally push herself off of the bed. She put it back together in one swift movement before making her way over to where Nicky was standing. The cup of coffee which was in her hand was nudged into Lorna's own hands, who gratefully took the plastic mug in them.
Bringing it up to her lips, Lorna shut her eyes while taking a long first sip of her coffee. It felt warm all the way down her throat to her stomach. She sighed, relishing in the tranquil sensation. Nicky gestured a hand at Lorna as a means to nonverbally get her to follow behind her. Lorna nodded and followed behind the taller woman until they both stopped at one of the empty tables. They sat on either side of the table, Lorna with the coffee in front of her while Nicky with just her hands resting on the metal surface.
Eyes peered thoughtfully across at the petite brunette observing closely how she tiredly sat sipping her coffee while also gazing ahead into the abyss. Nicky tilted her head and reached one hand across to frame tenderly around a porcelain cheek of hers. Fingers caressed slowly up and down along the length of its flesh. "Sleep okay, kid? Ya look like ya need a couple cups a coffee, yeah?"
An innate little giggle sounded through her windpipe as she set the plastic mug onto the surface of the table. "I could use more than a couple, honestly, hon," Lorna voiced her response and the pair shared a quick, light-hearted, laugh.
"Oh yeah?" Nicky huskily queried, eyebrow arching teasingly over one of her eyes. The faint smile on Lorna's face naturally molded one onto her own face. It was rare to see Lorna smile ever since the birth of her son. She couldn't remember how long ago it had been since the last time she saw one on Lorna's cherub face. A cherub face which deserved to display an angelic smile upon it. She moved her hand off of Lorna's so that she could hold it on one of her cheeks instead.
With the delicate of touches, Nicky traced the tips of her fingers from one part of her cheek all the way down to where it met with her jawline. Seeing that her stroking motion had instinctively caused Lorna's eyes to close shut in contentment, she leaned her face closer until their lips found their way together. She let them glide into a soft, short, peck. As much as she desired for the kiss to last longer—while simultaneously getting hotter—she released her lips from Lorna's and settled on just continuing to stroke the flesh of her cheek. The last thing either of them needed was for one of the COs to notice and give them a shot, or worse.
"How was that for a wake up surge, kid?"
Lorna placed a hand over her mouth, lips still tingling from the delightful little peck the two had just shared. It wasn't hard for anyone to see the smile shining on her face by the way her eyes slightly lit up more than usual. She swallowed a gob of saliva and bit nervously down on the side of the inside of her cheek. "The best," her voice murmured and her hand rested itself on the one Nicky had on her cheek. However, shortly after, a sigh huffed its way out of her.
The sudden tension hadn't gone unnoticed by Nicky. She mirrored Lorna's sigh with her own, tracing her thumb up until it came to the skin right below one of her eyes. She let it softly caress over and over in that same spot for several minutes. "Then how come ya look like someone just soccer punched you, huh? What's wrong, doll?" A loose strand of hair fell over the same eye she had been stroking the skin underneath of and so she naturally brought her thumb to it to move it away with.
"I mean, aren't ya still seeing Shani? I don't wanna cause shit between the two a ya if she's someone ya really like, hon. Plus, ya know, I erm gotta end things with Vinny before I mess up anymore," Lorna pointed out while resistantly pulling away from the older woman. The older woman who she desired more than anything to be with but also knew how toxic the two could be together. Most of said toxicity was her own doing, of course. Nicky wasn't toxic, not in her eyes. The toxic one there was herself and she fucking knew it. She fucking hated herself for it.
"Babe, I told ya I don't feel that way about Shani. She's a good person and all but not who I love. I'll have a talk with her today when we go to ICE, yeah?" A strand of hair sticking up behind Lorna's ear caught her attention and instantly, Nicky used her thumb to gently curl it back around that particular ear.
The mention of Vinny boiled a rage inside of her veins. Arms raised and crossed defensively onto her chest. After the meeting she had with him a couple of weeks earlier her tolerance for him faded tremendously. Nicky gritted her teeth harshly together in order to keep the anger from spewing out. That wouldn't do any good for either of them, she knew. But the way Lorna worded that comment brought the worry she had for her right back up to the surface.
She swallowed a lump and very tenderly gazed ahead into the brunette's brown eyes. "Aren't things already done between you and, erm, Vinny? Ya signed divorce papers or something, yeah kid?"
Eyebrows knitted puzzlingly over Lorna's eyes. She placed a hand underneath her own chin and rubbed around it as if the gesture would make it easier for her to remember. Things were a bit too jumbled up in her mind for her to appropriately recall. "I don't know. The last time I saw him he said somethin' about Sterling being sick."