life on a spoosh farm:
"Ah, what a fantastic early morning romp in my futuristic Formula One themed nuclear fallout shelter!" said
Roger, as he stretched out his thin long arms for a yawn. "And my cheese nips supply is nearly depleted,
but that's okay. I can go get more, ya hear that Putin? I'm a lazy decadent good for nothing worthless
bum with cheese nips, and chances are? you don't have cheese nips and you're not lazy!" he continued, as he bolted off to the grocery store and back
to his shelter in what seemed like seconds.
"Vhat is on your mind Roger?" asked Klaus, as he jumped up and down splashing in his fish bowl.
"Oh, nothing. Just shocks me. My species can apparently go from zero to one hundred and sixty
kilometers per hour. Just like a Formula One racecar. Now back to writing my Charles Leclerc
and Max Verstaffen fanfiction" he added.
Later that day, in the local Langley Catholic Church, the priest was delivering what
seemed to the congregation to be a very odd sermon:
"We must not forsake the frogs! For it is the frogs who will forsake us!
I now give to you what the good word has to say about these magnificently fine
green creatures of godliness. The LORD said to Moses, "Go to Pharaoh and say to him, `This is what the LORD says: Let my people go, so that they may worship me.
If you refuse to let them go, I will plague your whole country with frogs. The Nile will teem with frogs.
Psalm 105: 30 Their land swarmed with frogs
Even in the chambers of their kings. Exodus 8:6 And Aaron stretched out his hand over the waters of Egypt;
and the frogs came up, and covered the land of Egypt! You see it is the FROGS who are
guiding us. The good lord works through frogs almighty, large and small, shining
green with holiness, though I remind you-it is NOT easy being green. DRINK THIS!" shouted the priest as he handed the congregation what looked
like a strange wine bottle with an X marked on it.
Meanwhile...in the Smith home...during a stormy dark morning...
"Have you seen Roger, Francine?" asked Stan.
"No, I think he's in his Formula One themed fallout shelter" replied Francine.
Roger turned on the TV. It was the local sermon being broadcast by Reverend Anthony Fibian.
"Wow, Anthony Fibian's lost it. He used to be Catholic. Now he's sounding like a combo of
Presbyterian and Mormon" said Roger. "I gotta GO! I love it!" he added, waddling his way
to church like a penguin.
Roger arrived in church. But to his surprise it wasn't a large congregation of humans-but frogs?
"Uhhh, why the frogs, Jack?" asked Roger.
"HEATHEN! Drink this" said the man.
"Ya know this is the first time I've turned down a drink in a long while. Maybe it's because
of that smug smart alecy look on your face, or the fact your entire congregation is consistent
with being frogs"
"These frogs are God's gift to the world. Do not forsake the frogs! DO NOT FORSAKE THE
FROGS" said the preacher, as he forced Roger to guzzle down the liquid. But he did not become
a frog like the others did.
"That tasted like licorice combined with peppermint. What the hell was that?" said Roger.
Roger saw many other people apparently drinking the same drink only to become frogs.
He figured he was immune because he was a space alien. He knew a few Japanese alchemists
who lived nearbye.
"Hello? Is this Mitsuki's house?" asked Roger, knocking.
"Yes," replied a cute girl named Mitsuki, answering the door. "But be careful, my crazy older brother is money walking"
"Money walking?" asked Roger.
"It's what Grandpa insisted upon since he was a boy. He knew there was something different about
him so he had to 'money walk' to earn a living. He's been doing it since he was ten to save up for
retirement. He's thirty five now. I'm a photographer, trying to get a job at National Geographic, I also do part time work as a chef, alchemy expert, accountant, and legal secretary, my life is demanding as you can imagine" explained Mitsuki, as she spilled her drink on the ground, splashing it on a frog.
The frog became a human. Mitsuki shrieked and ran inside.
"No, wait, that's what I need. Darn it" said Roger, waddling away.
Mitsuki talked to her grandpa.
"Are you okay?" asked Mitsuki.
"There's one thing I want you to remember dear-check the-check the mail!" said Nishizawa as he collapsed
off of his chair to the floor.
"Is that really-is that really what you wanted me to remember?" asked Mitsuki.
She realized suddenly that her crazy brother was now all she had.
Later...
Later...
"So apparently, Anthony Phibian is transforming people into frogs. I don't believe anything
in the Onion but I knew this was only a matter of time" said Stan.
"Didn't you tell me once the Onion was actually a legit news program started by the CIA
to appear to be fake so the Russians won't find out what we're doing?" asked Francine.
"Um, yes. That's precisely why I need to ask Bullock what all this is about" said Stan.
Later that day...
"Family, I want you to meet my new friends from the FBI who are assigned to the Rev. Anthony Phibian Case,
meet special agents Dana Scully and Fox Mulder" said Stan, opening up the door.
"I can't believe we're actually investigating this case. I think this entire thing sounds like an elaborate prank by
our 'friends' here in the CIA" said Scully.
"Preacher turns people into frogs, Scully. I had to hop around to this one" replied Mulder.
"You suppose they're putting stuff in the water to turn humans into frogs? That puts
a whole new twist on Ted O' Malley's fuckshit" said Scully.
Meanwhile:
"You SOLD the Spoosh farm?" asked Roger.
"Of course I did. To you, Roger. Cuz I'm wild about you" said Globorx, a small green puddle of goo with
four eyes who was Roger's ex gay lover.
"Oh sure that's why you dumped me for that pancake batter I left on the floor last week.
Look, you're the only one who knows how to properly send Spoosh into space so my species
has sustenance this winter and can power their cars adequately without starting global
cooling. Spoosh clay is also how my species reproduce. But now you're telling me you sold me the Spoosh farm? Oh, sure
call me dissociative. I'm never breaking up with you ever again" shouted Roger, as
he slammed the door.
"Peh. Poor Roger. He has so many personalities he doesn't even remember which one
was in love with me. Sigh" said Glorborx.
"So I learned some things talking to Scully" said Stan.
"You seem so interested in her" said Francine.
"Yeah, well you can learn a few things studying a broad" replied Stan.
preview of Roger and Scully scene:
"I hope if I die I can get dissected by you" said Roger.
"So, it doesn't hurt your feelings that Stan calls you a space
alien just because you look different?" asked Scully.
"No not at all. I hope to prove I'm an alien by dedicating myself to science.
Just like I did when I was a doctor myself just like you" said Roger.
Scene cuts to Roger prescribing medication:
"You're gonna need to take Zanawanaplex five times a day. Oh, and side effects are generally
mild and include instant death, heart attack, strokes, growing rhinocerous horns before bed
that gradually begin to cut through your eyes while you sleep, amongst liver failure
kidney problems, the unnatural desire to have sex with refrigerators, need I go on?
It's a great drug" said Roger.
"So you were a doctor?" asked Scully.
"Well, I did try my hands at being an alternative doctor as well" replied Roger.
Scene cuts to Roger talking to someone injured:
"Yeah, eat plenty of lentils and beans. Ya just gotta eat right!" said Roger.
"I WAS HIT BY A CAR!" shouted the injured person.
to be continued...