Chapter 32: Is This the Heart of it All?

While Shinji knew he was still in his own personal quarters he felt as though he had been taken to another plane of existence entirely. Kaworu was revealing answers he never imagined hearing before and left him in a state of wonder at what was being revealed. The seemingly altruistic intention behind his existence seemed too good to be real for him but it was the only way he could know what the root of all this sorrow he was enduring came from.

Kaworu had just revealed what he deemed to be his purpose in life. He could not determine what sort of being be was and he could not imagine being important to anyone in such a way. Especially to someone who only recently came into his life with such a purpose.

As though he was aware of such an abnormality, Kaworu broke the silence between them, "No one ever truly meets one another for the first time. Times like these have come and gone many times before. If your happiness is not for me to give, it must be my responsibility to see it is cultivated."

For such a wonder at what Kaworu was revealing, Shinji asked, "When did I meet you before?"

Kaworu shut his eyes as he reflected, "Many times before. And possibly many times after now. Every time I have been in your life. A select few times I have seen you achieve happiness. Many times endure realities you did not deserve. What happens now is dependent on your choice."

Kaworu spoke in a way that made Shinji feel as though he was being given a hint of some greater scheme he never imagined. He could not describe how Kaworu ever came up with these concepts or how he was so sure. Shinji could only assume he was referring to terminology that made sense to Kaworu alone and somehow might have had some bearing in reality. Most importantly how he was trying to make Shinji see he was not beyond saving at this point.

Focusing on that specific part of Kaworu's explanation made Shinji turn his gaze the the bedsheets beneath him before he decried, "Choose... All I've ever done is make other people sad... I'm the last person who deserves to be happy... After everything I did."

Kaworu reached out his hands to place them on Shinji's shoulders as he reminded, "You remember that the Language of Masoch is exclusive between two people. Placing it upon others is only what leads to unbearable paint that neither can bear. Just as you witnessed."

Shinji nodded as he agreed, "I didn't just hurt Asuka. I hurt Rei. I hurt Kensuke. I hurt Misato... I probably hurt you too, didn't I?"

Kaworu denied the blame Shinji placed on himself, "This world is a cruel one. You were guided down the path away from it and began to realize what challenges would come with it."

Raising his hands to his chest, Shinji cursed the scenario Kaworu referred to, denying, "I shouldn't ever want it then. Especially if it's what caused all this. I just hurt everyone I'm ever around and I can't be good to anyone."

Kaworu strengthened the hold he had on Shinji's shoulders as he countered, "That is not what you want Shinji. Your fear of revealing your happiness to others is what became the root of this. The end has not come and there are many possibilities in front of you. Your willingness to take it is all that is expected of you now."

The tightened hold Kaworu had on Shinji left him unable to remove himself and forced to consider what he was hearing. His opportunity to be happy was potentially still out there waiting to be taken, he only needed to be willing to take it. He could not begin to comprehend how it was possible or what he did to deserve it though as he left himself wondering how that possibility could still be there for him.

Deciding he had nothing other than where he originally stood as a basis made Shinji tell Kaworu, "I'm nothing. I haven't done anything to make anyone's life better and everyone has only gotten worse. I'm sorry to tell you this, but the end is happening. And I don't even want to stop it."

Shinji's defeated approach to what was supposed to come made Kaworu reveal another hidden truth he kept, "I know when the end can come Shinji. It is with my demise that the ones who seek your sorrow will have their desires met."

Forced to make sense of the cryptic nature behind Kaworu's argument made Shinji feel his eyes widen. He struggled to say he believed what he was hearing but the explanation made him realize what sort of pit he was staring down. After falling down so many before he found himself wondering if he was about to make his leap down of his own free will or if he was being slowly pushed to the edge.

The serene face of Kaworu that was once calming for Shinji was no longer such a sight as he heard every new piece that led him further down a path of uncertainty. The importance Kaworu placed on himself seemed to come from nowhere and being placed in the center of his desires left him baffled further. All of this confusion was the justification he could think off the top of his head as he tried to make sense of what he was being told.

With all he was being told, Shinji remembered one detail that made him question how Kaworu was going about his supposed mission. "If it's my happiness you want... Why won't you be with me?"

Silence lingered between Shinji and Kaworu as soon as that point was raised. Kaworu did not forget the day he denied being the one Shinji wanted to turn his affections to, but it was still a great test for him to resist. Try as he might, he knew there was a great temptation behind what would undo what little he was able to achieve up to now.

"Shinji... I can't be the one you want."

Kyoya exited the elevator and looked to both sides before rushing forward. The advance of the Japanese forces preparing to occupy NERV were progressing by the second, but he was not prepared to abandon everyone just yet. He had a promise to fulfill and he was not going to let it be unfulfilled. Much to his displeasure he would find himself facing a challenge waiting to slow him down.

As he turned to run down another hall, Kyoya saw Mitsuru standing across from him and with a gun in hand. He had his head hung down but tightly held on to his gun while waiting for Kyoya to make another step. Despite being a supposed ally, Kyoya was forced to remember there was more than one thing the two disagreed upon.

Kyoya fixed his feet apart as he asked, "You still believe we have the luxury for this disagreement?"

Mitsuru looked up as he answered, "I'd say there's no better time."

While Kyoya was not reaching for his gun he found himself struggling to approach Mitsuru as he told him, "Your dedication to letting these children have another chance to truly live was admirable. That is what made me determine you had to be trusted with such key information."

Mitsuru remained fixed on Kyoya as he added, "I thought you were better than you are. I thought you might have at least cared about Misato."

"I kept myself out of her life because I care about her. She deserves better than suffering through this madness."

"I would have agreed if it were that simple. If it was only just me and her. If it was all just gossip."

"Is that what gave you this idea? Or are you really so idealistic?"

"Call me whatever you want. I'm here because I want to fulfill what brought us here. To let these children out of this Hell and lead them to a better life."

"What you're doing doesn't solve anything. All you are preparing to put them through is torment that will stick with them for the rest of their lives."

"And maybe that's what they need. It's a better premise than letting them go through what we put them through. Or however you're planning to make them suffer."

It was not the accusation that made Kyoya decide he would have to be ready to shoot Mitsuru out of his way but the increased tension between them was not being resolved. The two had conflicting ideas how they would give the Eva pilots the freedom they deserved but found themselves at an impasse with one issue that was only being alluded to. Neither was afraid to admit what it was that caused such a complication but their unwillingness to budge kept them from deciding what would be the best outcome.

Kyoya kept himself steady as he asked, "You believe there is no other way to resolve this?"

Mitsuru remained unshaken as he answered, "And you don't have what it takes. Not without your commands."

The observation made Kyoya grind his teeth accepting, "I'll accept your attention then.". Before Mitsuru could ask anything he heard Kyoya shout, "Go! I'll catch up!'

The call made Mitsuru turn around and try to find out what Kyoya was referring to before hearing a bullet fly over his head and catch him in place. The brush with death was enough to make him look to his left and right as he tried to find out who was being commanded but could only hear nearby footsteps. While they were a target for him, the ones from Kyoya became the most immediate to command his attention.

Kyoya took several breaths before warning, "You know I couldn't have missed. I respect you too much to harm you like this."

The warning kept Mitsuru in place as he realized he was unable to do anything as he found himself briefly fearing for his life. He raised his hands as he heard Kyoya take several steps towards him. Hearing such an approach was the only way Mitsuru could confirm what sort of intentions his supposed ally had.

Mitsuru allowed Kyoya to continue his approach as he stalled him by asking, "You were afraid I was going to stop you. Isn't that it?"

Kyoya realized exactly what Mitsuru was referring to and stopped himself from moving as he explained, "Hajime was backup. We were running a perfect system and you threw a wrench in it."

Unable to hold his resentment for the accusation, Mitsuru raised his voice to ask, "A perfect system? You still want to call everything we've done up to now perfect?"

Mitsuru felt the barrel of Kyoya's gun apply to the back of his head before Kyoya corrected, "It was the best we could have hoped for. And now you're telling me that one thing is enough to make you reconsider how far we've come?"

Despite the attempt to make him sound petty for what he had done, Mitsuru remained committed, "I did what I had to. The fact you're willing to permit this makes me question what else you're trying to dismiss."

Since he did not have any more steps to make, Kyoya placed a hand on Mitsuru's shoulder as he explained, "I'm not allowing my personal beliefs to get in the way of what will save the human race and minimize what we will be going through."

"And you do not have the conviction for your own."

Kyoya heard Kaede's voice behind him before turning his head to confirm her entry. He kept his gun placed on Mitsuru's head but found his fear was confirmed. Kaede stood a short distance away from him but with a pistol in both hands pointed at him.

While he kept his gun pointed at Mitsuru, Kyoya told him, "You had the foresight to believe I would do this as well. Unfortunate you believed it was necessary for this situation."

Mitsuru denied the accusation by reminding, "Your dedication to your mission is as shaky as your willingness to do what is right."

Kaede agreed, "When his morals align with what he believes, that is what allows him to have the upper hand such as now."

The denial was a reminder of what he heard the night he tried to appeal to Kaworu. After the initial approaches he had before, he believed Kaworu should have been more than willing to return the feelings. It all made sense to him in that way but here he was being rejected again.

Shinji had no idea what else he could have done but his confusion became what motivated him to try and establish his sincerity. A lack of commitment to wanting Kaworu at his side was the only way he believed he could have understood his hesitation to feel the same way about him. He was still very afraid and unwilling to believe that happiness could have been his, but the words and assurance Kaworu have made him believe there must have been an alternative. There was no other reason he continued to feel the shadow of shame hang on him but feel as if he could step out of it if he moved in any direction away from it.

Sitting across from him, Shinji placed his hands on Kaworu's shoulders as he pleased, "You know so much about me. You're the only one who understands. It shouldn't have to be that hard. Can it?"

Kaworu looked Shinji in the eye while keeping himself from expressing his sorrow like he did that one night. Once again he had the temptation of reaching out to Shinji and claiming him for himself. He could still not deny this was what he wished would happen in what he determined to be his only purpose in living. He also knew that it would only end in disaster for them both.

Hesitating to reveal such a fact was what gave Kaworu a second temptation that made him realize what he allowed. Shinji leaned forward to kiss him before backing away hoping for a change in the conversation's direction. What he received instead was another confirmation of just what sort of difficulty Kaworu had with accepting where he was.

Kaworu shook his head as he told Shinji, "I understand the Language of Masoch but it is not for me to exchange. Not when it would destroy where you are now. And what you may one day become."

Realizing he was not getting through to him, Shinji pleaded further, "Kaworu... Please... I don't want to be left like this..."

The trembling in Shinji's voice became an obstacle for Kaworu to overcome. He realized just how desperate Shinji was to overcome his grief and how hopeless everything seemed to him. Without the truth he would continue to hold on to a false hope he should not have conjured. Revealing the truth was what Kaworu feared as he wondered how Shinji would accept such a revelation.

Once again trying to deny the advance, Kaworu warned, "It is what I want as well. But I also see what this will become. I want to believe this is possible. But your desire for me will do nothing but hurt you Shinji."

The first part was all Shinji needed to hear as he tried again to convince Kaworu to be the one for him. There had to be fears that were holding him back and imagined he had to do with a possible lack of commitment. He imagined being able to hold to a level of commitment that he was unable to keep with Misato would prove he would not abandon the one who cared for him this time. If his supposed mastery of this Language of Masoch was enough, it was possible it would be all Shinji needed to do to prove he was ready to bring him into his life.

In the moment there was one way Shinji imagined he would convince Kaworu without resorting to another kiss. He found himself amazed that he once feared Kaworu might have indeed been an Angel but was now desperate to see if there was a reason for him to continue living. Now he was conflicted as he tried to decide if he really came to appreciate Kaworu's sincerity or if he simply feared approaching Misato again.

No longer holding himself back, Shinji brought a hand down to Kaworu's waist and told him, "I can... try to do what you did for me."

There were a few times Kaworu ever imagined he would find himself in fear but this was the one point he knew he would face them. The one person he came to care for in this world was prepared and willing to give himself to him. And he was resisting the fear of what the truth might become.

Kaworu knew there was nothing he could do as he felt Shinji reach for the waistline of his pants and slide his hand into it. His hand moved without issue but then made the discovery that would shock him the most. Try as he might, Shinji found his eyes widen when he realized not what he was holding but the complete absence of anything.

Kaworu was reluctant to speak again as he saw Shinji retract his hand. As though he was capable of maintaining the feeling that astonished him, he looked down at his hand with the same widened look of astonishment he just revealed. He may have felt what brought about such a revelation but he was still unwilling to accept it.

Breaking the silence between them, Kaworu asked, "Do you see now?"

Shinji became more desperate to confirm that his greatest fear was not real as he asked, "K-Kaworu... What... happened?"

All Shinji received was confirmation as Kaworu explained, "This is what I always was. And what you may never be."

Falling back and looking at Kaworu with the same look of fear he had before, Shinji managed, "It's all true... You're... not... human..."

Kaworu clutched his right hand to his chest as he admitted with hurt in his voice, "Your happiness is what I desired. That can only be achieved by your choice now."

The two boys had their exchange interrupted as the door to the bedroom opened and allowed the new guest to rush in. While Shinji was taken aback by the intrusion, Kaworu remained unshaken as he prepared for what would shake the foundations of NERV itself. All he wanted now was to make sure the one he cared for the most would have a chance to be free of the oppression life had in store for him.

Hajime stood in the doorway as he called, "Shinji! Kaworu! Please follow me!"

While Shinji recognized Hajime he found himself in wonder at the sudden intrusion. Kaworu did not give him the chance to ask anything however as he took his hand and jerked him on his feet. Out of the darkness of the room and into the halls, the three made their escape as the sound of gunfire alarmed them.

Shinji followed behind Kaworu as he ran down the halls while asking, "What's going on? Where are we going?"

Hajime slammed himself against the nearest corner as he answered, "A significant change. I have a promise to a friend I have to fulfill."

Before any other words could be exchanged, the sound of gunfire made its way in his direction before a voice called out, "Release the hostages! Stop where you are now!"

Reaching for his pistol, Hajime cursed, "How was SEELE this prepared?"

Before he could make his first shot, Kaworu raised a hand and offered, "Allow me. I will stop them."

Hajime was taken aback at first but saw Kaworu was indeed prepared to pass the corner while the people in the hall made their way towards him. His progress was impeded as he felt Shinji tug on his hand to keep him from moving. Turning around he was reminded of the sort of hurt he was causing Shinji as he prepared to take the lead.

Shinji pleaded against his steps forward, "Don't! Don't do it!"

Kaworu lowered his hand as he reminded, "I am more than they anticipate."

Before Shinji could reach his hand out again, Hajime took Shinji by the shoulder and pulled him close while calling out, "It's dangerous! They don't want you!"

Ignoring the call, Kaworu stepped into the vision of the men in the hall who were keeping their guns ready to find their next target. While he was not the one they were looking for, one of the men prepared his gun and fired I'm Kaworu's direction to hit him in the leg. The shot did nothing however as it swerved around him as though it suddenly took on a will of its own.

The sight caught both Shinji and Hajime by surprise as they found themselves afraid to move behind Kaworu. The previous shot to his leg was not the last one as it swerved around him as well as the men standing in his way fired in his direction. The bullets swerved around Kaworu's field as he walked down the hall and slowly towards the men firing on him.

Hajime turned around the corner and took a chance to see what was happening while Shinji tried to peek as well. They both saw Kaworu demonstrating his unusual ability as he walked up to men dressed in NERV uniforms while backing away from the display. Their fears were justified as Kaworu stepped towards them and sent one of them flying down another hall while throwing another to the roof.

Hajime watched the gathering of supposed NERV members pushed aside from Kaworu's advance and tugged Shinji to follow alongside him. The two saw the potential obstacles cast aside as their chances to escape were made clear. He had little time to look on in wonder at what Kaworu was demonstrating and determined it was the only way he would have a chance to make it to the elevator out of the base.

Hajime and Shinji continued their run as they turned around another corner where Kaworu was headed but were stopped as soon as they heard a gunshot sound its way behind them. The tension of the situation left Shinji in a state of fear as he worried about taking even another step anywhere. Kaworu proved to be the shield necessary to make his way through the chaos but struggled to make sense of what sort of reveal he was demonstrating. He felt as though he had little time to speculate anything as he was forced to remember he was caught between two potential dangers that threatened to hurt him in some way.

Hajime poked his head around the corner before finding Mitsuru rushing down the hall towards him. Drawing his gun and firing in his direction, Hajime saw Mitsuru roll out of the way and look for cover. The opportunity to run was available but Hajime struggled to imagine how he would handle where he was now.

He called out to Mitsuru, "How much does SEELE know now?"

Mitsuru used the opportunity to advance while slowly moving across the floor, "Enough to overcome all of this! This is nothing but a setback now!"

Hajime looked across the hall to realize Kaworu stopped moving and found himself trapped between the two directions. Despite Kaworu's helpful nature, he was still uneasy with the knowledge of him being an Angel and wondering what could possibly be his ulterior goal. Knowing that Mitsuru was likely to approach him was just as alarming to him as he considered how compromised his position was.

Desperate to buy himself even a little time, Hajime decried the one he once considered an ally, "I never took you as the sort of man to compromise everything you were just because of one discrepancy!"

Mitsuru continued his way down the hall as he countered, "What you are calling a discrepancy, I call hypocrisy! SEELE might have a point with their plans after all!"

Hajime's situation seemed to be hopeless before he heard a loud crunching sound coming from the ceiling above. Before he could say anything, he heard the ceiling collapse and block him off from seeing Mitsuru's approach. Looking back in Kaworu's direction he saw the mysterious boy continue to walk and followed behind him.

To his relief he still had Shinji with him and continued his way through the halls. It only took a little longer before he continued his escape but was relieved to immediately find the elevator he had been searching for. His hopes became so great that it was one of the few instances Hajime allowed himself to pass by Kaworu and use his security card to operate it.

Panting in relief from all that occurred, Hajime turned to the boys instructing, "We are headed up to ground level and we are leaving this place. Both of you stay with me and I will get you out of here."

Shinji was still shaken by the sudden explosion of violence that was occurring around him but was taken aback when he heard Kaworu deny, "They know we are still down here. I will keep them from following you."

Despite the weight of the revelation that just occurred, Shinji remained committed to Kaworu as he pleased, "You can't! They might hurt you!"

Hajime kept Shinji from moving toward Kaworu as he asked, "There were not many who believed you were an Angel but now I can't help but wonder what your motives are."

Kaworu turned away from the two as he explained, "My motivation is to make Shinji happy. To see that he has the fortune to make such choices himself. He found it and now it is for him to reclaim."

The cryptic description of his goals made Hajime ask, "And Adam? Is that actually why you kept yourself from finding him?"

Kaworu immediately answered what seemed to be an inconsistency to Hajime, "Only Lilith is kept deep within this place. I feel the presence of Adam but I am left to wander attempting to find him. I have not found him yet and likely won't."

While it was the greatest concern for Hajime, Shinji was left trying to make sense of what he was hearing. He had seen everything and still refused to believe the one person who might have lived him unconditionally was a foe he was supposed to destroy. Even now he still demonstrated the unwillingness to see him subjected to the sort of danger that threatened to overwhelm him.

Just as soon as the elevator doors opened, Shinji told Kaworu, "You don't have to do this. Please, come with us. We'll be safe together."

Kaworu shook his head as he turned to Shinji and told him, "I am your path to happiness Shinji, not your desire. You had it before. Simply reclaim it."

Hajime went along with Kaworu's command as he told Shinji, "We have to get out of here. You aren't helping him by staying down here."

Shinji felt himself tugged into the elevator as he watched Kaworu step towards them and prepare to say goodbye but denied, "No! Not without him! We have to get everyone out!"

Kaworu leaned forward and locked his lips with Shinji's for a few seconds before parting from him. It was a display that confused Hajime but was afraid of interrupting whatever the Angel in front of him was wishing for at the moment. Kaworu parted from Shinji as he looked at him with a wistful smile and took a few steps back to allow the doors their space needed to close

In the few seconds he had left before being parted from the two Kaworu told Shinji, "Thank you so much for caring for my happiness."

As much as Shinji wanted to reach out and pull him in, he saw the elevator doors shut in front of him and seal him and Hajime in their ascent through NERV headquarters. It was possibly the last time he would ever see or hear Kaworu and it left his eyes watering at what had just happened. He did not see him die but he found himself in a state of uncertainty about what was going to happen to him as NERV was occupied.

The last words Kaworu gave were all Shinji had as he was left to continue his ascent and fell on the floor in front of Hajime. While he could say he partially completed the assignment he was given, guilt weighed on Hajime as he tried to accept what he had just seen. Kaworu's intervention was nothing short of an act of the divine nature and the only way he could imagine he was successful. From what he saw of Shinji however, he came to realize how much differently he accepted the idea.

Placing himself against the wall of the elevator, Hajime felt himself struggle to accept what he had just gone through. He believed he was close to achieving more than he expected only to discover a cruel truth of what caused this escape to turn out the way it did. He was thankful for the silence that lingered at the moment but knew the one person he could say he got to safety was not so enthusiastic.

Indeed Shinji was shaken in a way he did not want to feel again. For reasons he could easily claim were beyond his control he was torn away from the one he believed would free him from the pain of beating the harsh reality of the world he lived in. The simple display of selflessness he heard from Kaworu was enough to make him realize how everything in existence seemed to be against him.

With only Kaworu's kiss as a last reminder and the long ascent carrying him, Shinji hoped against all odds to hear an answer as he asked, "You only cared about... My happiness?"

A/N: And that with this and the chapter prior will cover the escape for the two main characters. I felt like it was important to essentially establish more of the upcoming intrigue as well as resolving one key part of this story I set up.

I don't know if Kaworu canonically has genitalia or not, but I considered the revelation to effectively be the most blunt way for Shinji to acknowledge he had feelings for an Angel. Kaworu is a pretty important character in the series and I hope I did him justice here in essentially translating his well-known goal into this story. Including him was bound to make his approach different just from the progression Shinji and Misato went through alone and I can't say I see him as a selfish character who would want to take Shinji for himself even if he was the one offering himself.

You might be anxious to discover just why the NERV personnel and the others ended up pursuing these three the way they did. That is all something I plan on revealing in the next chapter along with the beginning of the occupation and how Gendo along with the rest of SEELE will be handling it. The question of how Shinji and Misato will face one another again will also be a significant part in later chapters for sure.

Just a minor thing to add as well: I crossposted this story onto AO3. I heard rumblings there was probably going to be another purge here on the site so I figured it was time I bring this to another place for the sake of preservation in order to make sure it isn't lost. So if this story is erased from here at any point, you'll be able to find this story on there under the same username. Either way, I'll still be updating up until the final chapter and I hope to see you all when the next chapters come.