Kate's eyes snapped open, taking in the darkness that engulfed her. With her palms still sweaty and cheeks soaked with tears, she rolled on her side trying to calm the panic that was building in her chest. Before this, her nightmares always consisted of him leaving, dying, disappearing from her world. She was living those nightmares now, spending her time grieving the living, grieving the man who left. She had hoped the nightmares would stop but they just morphed into something even more horrific.
Kate was unsuccessful in her efforts to prevent a full blown attack. Her body shook violently as she attempted to remember the coping mechanisms Dr. Burke had taught her after she was shot. "You have to ride it out, ignoring it will only make it worse." His words echoed through her mind as she gasped out short, rapid breaths. It's never been this bad before. She thinks her heart might stop completely and that terrifies her. It's her own fault, she knows that. She shouldn't have pushed herself, shouldn't have decided to sleep in their bed tonight. But she needed to feel close to him. She wanted to bury her face in his pillow to search for any lingering scent that remained. There was nothing she needed more right now than to hear his voice, hear his words calm her. He was rational when it came to things like this. He always managed to talk her down.
Her mind was betraying her. It replayed the nightmare over and over again in her head, causing fresh waves of tears and broken sobs to escape her lungs. Her hands gripped the sheets, turning white as she tried to ground herself. An action in their bed that was once done frequently out of ecstasy, now reserved for nights when it felt like she was drowning and would never resurface.
It wasn't until she finally managed to even out her breathing that she realized someone had crawled into bed with her, wrapping her into a tight embrace. She stayed there for a moment, eyes still clenched shut to stop the flood of pending tears. She let out a shaky breath when she opened her eyes to see her almost step-daughter. "I'm sorry for waking you, Lex. Go back to bed, I'm fine." Kate squeezed the girls hand, giving her a weak smile. Alexis huffed out a breath of air, annoyed at the detective's stubbornness. "You're not fine, Kate. And that's okay, you don't need to always be fine. I told you I would be here for you, that doesn't mean I'll only be there for the good. We're family, Kate. You, me, grams, and the baby. We're a family and that doesn't change just because my dad isn't here." Kate could feel the girl's blue eyes burning into hers. "Thank you for being here."
She said those words to the girl earlier that day. Kate let Alexis find out the gender first, giving the soon-to-be big sister the envelope to rip open. A genuine smile cracked along her face at the young redhead's squeals of excitement and in that moment, Kate thought everything would be okay. For a split second she believed she could do this. She laughed as Martha quickly started questioning the girl, pushing her to tell everyone else in the room. "No, hold on. I need to go get something. Grams, Kate, I'll be right back. Lunch was almost ready when you got here, I'm sure it's no good anymore but that's okay because we need to celebrate. Let's order from somewhere, your choice, Kate. It's on Grams and I." The girl blurted out in a rush as she hurriedly placed a kiss to both her grandmother and Kate's cheeks, slipping out the door after telling Martha to place an order. Kate allowed Martha to call in the delivery while she worked on picking up the kitchen, discarding the food that had been sitting out way too long. "Katherine, I haven't seen Alexis this excited in a very long time." Martha started after hanging up the phone. "I can see it in your eyes that you're questioning this. I know this isn't playing out at all how you imagined it. But this baby? This baby will be our saving grace and I can tell because when Alexis opened that envelope, I saw the light come back into her eyes for first time since Richard left." Kate allowed Martha to pull her into an embrace, not even realizing the woman had been closing the distance between them. Kate whispered a soft "thank you" into her ear before excusing herself to the restroom so she could get herself together.
She was in the middle of washing her face when she heard Alexis make her arrival known to everyone in the loft. Kate splashed water on her skin, rinsing off the remaining suds. She stared at her reflection as she patted her skin dry. Her eyes were a lighter shade of hazel from earlier shed tears and dark circles had made home on her face. She looked like shit and she would be the first one to admit that. She sighed as she turned off the lights and headed back to join the conversation that was lively happening in the kitchen. Her mouth watered at the smell of the pizza from her favorite place, it must have been delivered around the same time Alexis arrived. She gladly took a plate from Martha and was mid-bite when Alexis finally held up a small shopping bag. Her cheeks flushed, matching the color of her hair. "This sounds stupid now, but I saw it earlier today at the corner boutique." Alexis handed over the bag, giving Kate a nervous once over. A gasp escaped Kate's lips as she pulled out a small footed sleeper. Her eyes watered with tears, her lunch now forgotten. She was too mesmerized by the yellow and white striped fleece with the words "little brother" embroidered along the chest. Kate motioned for the girl to come closer so she could pull her in for an embrace. "Thank you, Alexis. Thank you for being here."
Kate pulled herself out of the moment that was now a memory and traced her fingers along her stomach. She dropped her head before opening up to the girl, something she needed to do more often. "I had a nightmare that caused a panic attack." Kate could see the surprise in the girls eyes even in the dark. "I had a dream that they took him, that they murdered him. It was my fault, I couldn't stop them. I was the one who put him in danger." Alexis reached for Kate's hand, giving it a quick squeeze. "He's not dead though, Kate. We know dad is fine. None of this was your fault." If Kate had any tears left to cry, they would have fallen in that moment. Her hushed voice overtaking the silence. "The nightmare wasn't about your dad this time. It was about your brother."