CHAPTER 3: A DECISION
Anatasia watched her best friend's face getting wet with tears pouring down her eyes but strangely didn't feel anything. She had been feeling numb for the past few days, she couldn't even feel her own pain.
"There has to be a way!" Kate exclaimed, hiccupping and trying to wipe her eyes with her sleeve. "You always wanted to be a mother, you are 25!"
"There isn't. I told you, they told me that because of the huge cyst in my ovaries, one of them has to be removed surgically. And if I ever want to get pregnant, I must do it this year."
"Then do it!" She smiled sadly at her friend, watching her desperate attempts to find a solution when there was none.
"With who, Kate?"
"You can get a sperm donor."
"There is no way that I can afford to pay for a donor and the whole "getting pregnant" process. I can't go out and have a one-night stand with a man because a. I'm not a casual sex type of a girl b. Not informing the guy could be counted as tampering with contraception and I'm pretty sure that it's illegal. And c. I'm not having a child with someone I don't know."
"You can freeze your eggs?" Anastasia sighed, knowing that she was about to sound like an asshole but Kate was the only person she could be honest with.
"This was the doctor's best solution, also. But Kate, I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. Surrogacy is not for me, I wouldn't feel like the baby is mine. It would break my heart to watch someone go through a pregnancy that I so desired." Her voice cracked, and she forced herself to keep it together. "Adoption would be the better option." Kate was quiet.
She rubbed her eyes, she cried so much lately that she felt like there should be no tears left in her.
"It's just so... hopeless. Even if I find a way to get the money and donor, I'll be a single mother. I doubt that any man would want to get to know me with a child. If I decide not to do anything, I'll be barren. No man would want to be with a woman that they can't have kids with." Tears spilled down her eyes, making Kate start sobbing again. Both women hugged each other and cried.
"There are many single mothers who find love, though," Kate said after a few moments. "The right man would love you and your child."
"Maybe. But money is still a huge problem. I just started working, how can I afford all the expenses and keep working with a delicate pregnancy? The doctor said that even if I got pregnant right after the surgery, there would be a huge risk of miscarriage and I might have to spend my whole pregnancy in bed. How can I afford this?"
"You are not alone! I'll help you, I'll talk to my parents, you know how much they love you!"
"I know. But you already paid the whole rent for the past 3 months until I managed to find this flat. You lend me your computer, your clothes, your shoes all the time. I think I took advantage of you enough. I wouldn't be able to accept any money from you." Kate teared up again, squeezing her with all her strength.
They just hugged each other, both feeling the horrible weight of helplessness on their shoulders.
Anastasia felt like a big failure, as a woman. She couldn't manage to make anyone love her. Her situation would be a lot different if she had someone in her life. She could talk to them and make a decision, to be parents or to accept the possibility of never having children of her own. He would've calmed her, made her feel better, and helped her make decisions. Now, she was all alone. And it looked like she would be, for the rest of her life.
All of her dreams came crashing down on her, breaking the mask of numbness. She always imagined that she would be a mother. Having a family of her own had been her deepest desire. Now everything seemed so dark and out of place, she didn't know what to do.
Her mind went briefly to her talk with Christian weeks ago, in the hospital. She was under heavy drugs so all of her unfiltered thoughts came loose. She knew that Christian got mad at her but it looked like being a casual fuck was all there is for her in the world. Nobody would've fallen in love with a single mother who couldn't even find a dad for her child or a barren woman. When she imagined her life, overworking, having casual sex, being an aunt for Kate's children, and nothing else, she wanted the darkness inside of her to grow and swallow her right there. She didn't want that life.
She was focused on the script in front of her, not noticing that her phone was ringing until Alexander quietly touched her shoulder to point it out. He knew that something was seriously wrong, her strange obsession with the work started very abruptly. He saw her deep in thought all the time and watched her lose weight rapidly. Alexander, of course, asked her a few times what was wrong or how he could help but she just dismissed him. He watched her frown at her phone before answering.
She was very surprised to see Grace Gray's name on her phone.
"Hello Ana, how are you?"
"I'm good, Grace. Thank you. How about you?"
"All is well, sweetheart." She felt like bursting into tears right there when she heard Grace's motherly tone. "Are you free this afternoon? I have some free time, I thought we could have lunch?"
"Sure. There is a small cafe close to my office. Would you want to meet there?"
"Okay, you can send me the details. I'll be there at one, is it good?"
"Yeah, sure. See you."
She tried to put the meeting behind in her mind as soon as she finished the call, she needed to work.
She felt her eyes water, feeling Grace's gentle hug and the familiar scent of her perfume. She was all "mother" and it made Anastasia want to bawl her eyes out. She bitterly replayed her conversation with Carla as they placed their orders and sat down on one of the tiny tables in the corner. Carla was happy about her news. She got excited about the thought of Ana never "having to weigh down with children" and went on and on about how she could have all the sex in the world, she could travel the world, etc. At some point, she just ended the call and blocked her number.
"You haven't been taking care of yourself." Grace's voice was kind but also accusing. She looked at her face disapprovingly. "Kate is very worried about you. Not eating, not sleeping, stopping therapy, and overworking... I understand how upsetting this news was to you, but you shouldn't neglect yourself like this."
"So, is this an intervention?"
"No, of course not! It's just... Knowing my history, Kate thought that we would be able to understand each other. And I think she's right. I just didn't know how to approach you."
"Your history?" Grace smiled sadly and Anastasia watched in surprise as she reached out and clasped her hands in hers.
"I'm unable to have children. Why did you think that we adopted three and have no biological children?"
"I-"Her mind went blank. "I just never thought about it."
"I had 5 miscarriages after we decided to start a family. We were married for 3 years back then and having children was our biggest desire. Loss after loss took its toll on me and they had to perform hysterectomy."
"I didn't know..." She smiled and caressed her hand again.
"It's not something we talk about daily, sweetheart. It was a horrible time for us, as a couple, and for me, as a woman. We are taught that our ability to reproduce is what makes us a woman since we are little girls. Knowing that my body was unable to fulfill its most basic purpose was horrible." Anastasia felt her throat closing, tears filling her eyes. She thought she was all alone and here, Grace was putting all her misery in words.
"How- How did you manage to move on?"
"I didn't. In the beginning. I had this notion in my head that now that I couldn't provide children to my husband, I was useless to him. I left home, and started the divorce process." Ana's mouth fell open in surprise. Grace and Carrick? The older couple sickeningly in love? Divorced?
"He didn't let me, though. Carrick refused to sign any papers, he kept trying to convince me that he wanted kids because he wanted me to be their mother. Not because he wants someone else's children. He tried and tried until I caved in. It took a few months of couple's therapy for me to accept his support and love. And a few more months until I moved back home."
"I could've never guessed." She mused. "You guys are the only couple that I know who are still madly in love with each other."
Grace's face filled with pride. She took a sip from her coffee, and smiled at Ana, still holding her hand in hers.
"Love is not something that solves things magically. It's magical itself, to find someone that your soul signs for, I'm not denying that. However, you need to be ready to work for it, too. Love is not going to solve things when life throws these types of problems to your face, you will. You need to be ready, to work." Anastasia nodded, thinking about Christian.
"I can't give you a magical solution, especially because I know how devastating this news is. Our situations are kinda similar but also very different. I was unable to carry a child to a full term, you know that you can."
"But you had a husband who loved you more than everything. I'm all alone." She whispered, her heart aching with loneliness. Grace's face fell, and she nodded. She thought that Anastasia wouldn't be so alone if she just told Christian what was going on but she didn't want to bring up Christian now, seeing how sad she was.
"You are most definitely not alone. I know you see us as the family of your ex-boyfriend or the new family of your best friend but we love you as a person Ana. We were very sad to see you stop coming around. If you let us, I promise that we'll be there with you at every step. Also, Kate told me a little bit about your thoughts of being alone forever. I understand that being young comes with this undeniable desire to be dramatic about everything but you are not going to be alone forever." Tears started pouring down Anastasia's face after her soft voice voiced her darkest fear. She pulled her hand from Grace's and wrapped her arms around herself.
"Nobody will want a barren wife."
"My husband did."
"Or a single mother."
"You can't know that."
"I do."
"You can't. Sweetheart, can you tell me that if the man of your dreams came through this door now but had a child, you wouldn't love him the same?" Anastasia thought about Christian, would she love him less if he was a single father? She probably would've loved the child just because they came from him. Her tears fell faster.
"The right man will love you with all your flaws. If you decide not to do anything and remain childless, the love of your life will choose to love you like that. Maybe you'll decide to adopt, like we did. I promise you, Ana, you don't need to give birth to your children to love them to death. If you decide to be a mother now, the love of your life will love both you and your child. You can't make decisions based on some faceless man, though. You need to sit down, stop making this decision about a future man, and focus on yourself. What do you want?" Her hazel eyes looked into Anastasia's, which were full of tears. Her heart broke for this young woman, who was just starting to find her place in the world and now faced with such an important decision. The truth, her deepest desire came spilling from her mouth undecidedly.
"I want to be a mother." Grace smiled. She got up from her seat and sat down next to Anastasia. Hugging her tightly and holding her while she fell apart.
"Then it is what you'll be. I talked with Kate and Carrick, we are ready to help you financially. We can start to search for the best facilities to find a donor and get you pregnant. This is going to be our gift so don't even think about paying us back. We can afford it." This only made Ana cry more, her voice was broken when she spoke back.
"But I'm not sure if I can even afford a baby now. The doctor said that the pregnancy would be delicate, that I probably won't be able to work when I'm pregnant." Grace considered offering her help during pregnancy but it was a huge financial commitment, one she couldn't make without talking to her husband. She expected Carrick to be against even offering help but he was the one who suggested it immediately after she told him about Kate's worries. He said that he always thought that Anastasia was a very kind and gentle soul, he didn't want her to lose the chance to be a mother due to money. All the money in the world couldn't provide his wife her desire, and he had little financial problems. But helping someone out during the whole pregnancy would be a different commitment.
"It's okay, honey. We'll figure it out. Did you talk to your parents?" She felt her getting stiff in her arms.
"I talked to my mom."
"And she won't help?" She felt her shake her head.
"Your dad?"
"I didn't tell him."
"Ok. You are taking the rest of the day off, I'm sure your boss wouldn't mind, especially considering the way you have been working yourself off for the past few days. You are going home, and taking a nice nap. After that, you are going to sit down and consider your options. Do you want to go for a sperm donor the company will provide you or do you have anyone around you that can help? Look at your savings and other assets, and see how much you can set aside. You can even talk to your doctor about this, how late you can get pregnant safely. If you can postpone it for a few months, you can work and save money. Talk to your dad, see what he thinks, if he can help out financially. We got this Ana, okay? You are not alone."
Anastasia smiled, wiping her tears and leaning back, getting herself out of Grace's arms.
"I guess this is where he took it."
"Who? What?"
"Christian. I guess he took his bossiness from you." That made Grace laugh out loud. Two women smiled at each other, one with the relief of finally helping, and the other with fear mixed with hope.
AN: I guess you guys now, know where this is going, huh? Any suggestions about how Chris should learn about this? I'm not sure about which way to go.