Bethany Beach, DE – June 2006
Henry is blissfully in love. That's the phrase he has for it. Team McCord is playing in the water with Jess as he takes a turn on the beach with the twins. It's bliss. It barely took getting used to. Five kids is a lot of kids, but he's always wanted a big family.
He was expecting bumps when they brought the twins home. And yes, there have been sleepless nights. And tantrums. But they're good parents, and it's easy to share the load. He has formed a team with Jess. It was beautifully unexpected. One morning, when the twins were three weeks old, he watched her as she balanced Drew in her arms while she helped Jason learn how to feed Bobby. His heart had almost burst. He was completely in love all at once. There is no doubt that the woman holding his son was the woman for him—the mother of his children.
It wasn't a surprise. He knew that their wedding night had been special. And again, the morning after, they came home from the hospital with Drew and Bobby. But there was still something holding him back until that day. A part of him still thought he might wake up and find that this wasn't his life. Or that maybe he wasn't allowed to be this happy.
She must have sensed him watching her because she smiled and looked up at him. And he was taken aback with absolute admiration and gratitude. He didn't know what he'd done to deserve this, but he knew in that moment he would spend the rest of his life showing her how grateful he was for her. For this life.
He had truly thought he would never feel this again. That love like this, absolute and sure, it had to be once in a lifetime. But it isn't. He loves her just as much as he loves Elizabeth, if love can even be quantified. Because he still loves Elizabeth this way, too. Only Elizabeth is gone, and so his love for her is tinged with loss. Whereas his love for Jessica is a love he gets to keep.
He watches his wife play in the crashing waves with team McCord. He sends up a little prayer. Are you seeing this, babe? She loves them. They're okay.
He feels Jess's eyes on him. He turns his head, and she's walking up to him with a smile on her face.
"Hi, beautiful." He says.
"Hi yourself." She bends to kiss him, "Our children are hungry. So we should head inside."
He chuckles and nods.
"Alright, Team McCord. Lunch!" Jess yells before grabbing Bobby and leaving Drew in Henry's arms.
"Come on, kids!" He yells.
…X…X…X…
The night comes, and the kids are asleep. They sit together on their bedroom balcony—the moonlight reflecting off the ocean.
"I'm so happy I found you," Henry whispers. He's never said it before. In a way, it feels like a betrayal to Elizabeth. But he is happy, and since when is being happy a bad thing?
"I love you, Henry." She leans into him.
"I love you too." He kisses the top of her head.
"You should show me how much." Her voice is low. Having five young children doesn't lend itself to sex with any regularity. But they're on vacation. He looks over to see her eyes are hooded.
"I should. Shouldn't I?" He smiles. He kisses her hard but not fast. He pours his heart into kissing her.
"Oh yes. You should." She mumbles against his lips.
Henry smiles and switches to being on top of her.
When their bodies connect, a shiver runs through his body. He rests his forehead against hers, and their eyes remain connected.
A gasp comes out of her, and he kisses her. The rest of the world disappears.
"I'm so in love with you." He shudders, and he hears her echo him.
"I'm so in love with you. God help me, I am so in love with you." He doesn't notice her slightly surprised tone. Why would he? She's a banker to him, not a black ops agent. He met her in a grocery store. It wasn't a setup to him. He slowly and genuinely fell in love with her.
"God, I am so in love with you." She repeats. She can't help the feeling in her gut. Love, trust, respect. Three things the CIA tries their damnedest to train out of agents like her. Three things the agency tries to instill in the newbies. But Jess didn't feel any of those things when she met Henry. It was just lust, attraction, and fun. It was an assignment. She had a plan, but now she has family. And nothing will ever come between her and them. She won't allow it. Not even her job.
She kisses him again, and he smiles against her mouth. She can feel him smiling, and she smiles, too.
It's a great partnership they've built.
Los Angeles, CA – June 2006
She's working at the bar. The same seedy one she walked into looking for pills. It's dangerous working at a bar like this. There are moments when she thinks clearly. Moments where Elizabeth shines through Lisa's walls. They're rare. But it happens mostly when she's walking high to her car alone at three a.m. When the night has been rowdy, and she's made a decent chunk of change. Tonight, she's had a couple of those moments. A handful of clear thoughts. Each time she was alone, walking through the dark parking lot, a voice screamed at her. What the fuck are you doing?
It's like she's daring the world to hurt her again. She doesn't think of it that way, though. She thinks of it like... So be it. She's just numb. Tired. She is done with being scared and sad. If she dies, then she dies. No one would care that Lisa Aldin died. And Elizabeth McCord is already dead. So what the fuck does it matter?
"Let me get another sunshine." A regular, Dave slurs. She swallows at the pet name. The man called her that. It's all he called her. Sunshine. She wonders if he had a reason. Or if it was just because her hair was so blonde. He liked to tangle his hand in it, like a leash. She still feels him pulling it sometimes.
"Sure thing." She says with a flirty smile. It gets tips, the flirting. But she does it without thinking nowadays, just on autopilot. The only reason she remembers his drink is because it's a special order. Vodka, orange juice, cranberry juice, and a splash of grenadine. It's a girly drink for a weird dude who is always talking about pest control. Her shoulder is pounding as she slides him the drink. It's become her Spidey Sense—like the injuries know danger is coming before she does. The ache is getting worse.
"Thanks, sunshine." His smile is more sincere this time as he stares at her breasts. She feels the need to cover herself. To pull the black shirt up higher and over her chest. She can feel his eyes burning. She wants to hide. But the shirt is too low cut—for tips. So she downs a shot of whiskey and tries to ignore it.
It's an hour before her shift ends. An hour before, she can walk out into the parking lot alone. She's bombarded with another clear thought. She thinks about her parents and how they died. She shouldn't be driving like this. Why does she keep doing it? Is this her punishment? Is this what she deserves? To drive from a seedy bar to a seedy studio high as a kite? She left her life behind. Her babies. She doesn't deserve them. She's poison.
The pain is getting worse. She winces when she bumps into the barback. She's been bumped into a million times back here. It's awful every time.
"Hey." Dave's voice is softer now, like he's not so drunk. "You okay, sunshine?"
"Yeah." She nods. He's never spoken to her like this before. His hand reaches for hers, and she has to fight every urge in her body not to recoil. Her body is hers. She can do it as she pleases. It doesn't belong to the man.
I own you. I own you. I own you.
His words repeat in her mind, and she swallows down the nausea.
"You sure."
She smiles and nods. She's a good actress. Everyone knows it. "Just a bit sore. Someone bumped into me. I got a bad shoulder."
"Oh." He takes a sip of his drink. "Well, that sucks. You're the best bartender here."
"Thank you."
"I don't come here just for the drinks." It's a clear invitation—a feeler.
I own you. I own you. I own you.
The words keep going. Maybe that man did own Elizabeth, but he doesn't get to have Lisa, not like that. She doesn't belong to anyone. She leans in closer to the man. Her breasts brush against his arm. He smiles.
"Is that so?" She flirts. She has no idea why she's doing it. She can't pinpoint a reason. The man's voice is screaming at her now. She refuses to listen. Her body. She owns it. She'll have sex with this guy to prove it to him. Prove it to a dead man.
"Can I take you home after your shift, sunshine?"
She grins and nods. She'll get her bag. Get her things and let him drive her home.
"Sure." The moment the word leaves her mouth, the pain is blinding.
I own you. You're mine. No one will want you. I ruined you.
"Fuck." She mutters. Her shoulder is screaming at her. Her mind is fuzzy. What the hell is wrong with her? Why is it throbbing like that?
"What is it?"
"Nothing." She lies. She'll show the man. He doesn't fucking own her. No one does. She can fuck who she wants. "Give me five minutes. I need to grab my things."
She walks away and grabs her purse and jacket. She snorts a pill and pops another into her pocket. When she's done, the man is standing in the same spot.
"Let's go."
The parking lot is empty. It's 315 a.m. They walk to her car, and her hand is shaking as she goes to open the door. She can do this. She's going to do this. She's in charge.
"You're shaking, sunshine." He whispers in her ear.
She hates the nickname. She hates how his hot breath feels against her ear. But she'll do this. She'll do this.
"Call me Lisa." She says.
He nods. His hands are on her hips. He pulls her back against his crotch, and her heart is pounding in her chest. This is her. She's the one choosing to have sex. He's not taking it. She's giving it.
I own you. I own you. I own you.
He whispers something complimentary in her ear; she can't make out what. His hand is squeezing her ass. It hurts. It all hurts. It's not the man's hand. Not anymore. It's a hand she's choosing to have on her.
"You're so sexy, Lisa."
His hand slides beneath her skirt. He's groping her. The pain in her shoulder is unbearable. She's trying to keep it together. She freezes when his hand is on her. Inside her. She doesn't move. She's not there. Not really.
I own you. I own you. This is mine!
But it's not his. It's hers.
"Please." She begs. Her voice is small. Broken. But she's in control. She's consenting. She needs to reclaim her body.
"Not here, sunshine." His voice is husky. "In the car."
She nods. She's so high. Too high. He's pulling her by her arm. It hurts. She retreats into herself. Her body. She doesn't feel it. She watches it. It's happening to someone else. Elizabeth breaks through Lisa's walls.
"Stop!" She pushes away from him, "I can't do this. I'm sorry."
"Why not?" He's annoyed. He's not going to force her. But he's angry.
"I-I'm married." She stutters.
"What? Since when?"
She shrugs, "It doesn't matter." It's not a lie. It doesn't matter. Henry's not with her.
"Why lead me on like that then."
"I'm sorry." She's not sure why she did it. Her mind is a mess. Why did she think this was a good idea? Does it matter? She grabs the oxy in her pocket. "I have to go. Get out of my car, please."
"What the fuck!"
She ignores him. She's not listening to him. Her body is shuffling into the driver's seat. Her head is spinning.
I own you. I own you. I own you.
"Shut up!" She screams. That must freak Dave out because he can't get out of her car fast enough. However, she was screaming at the voice, not Dave. It doesn't matter. The man is in her head. His hands are on her body. He is inside her. Her mind is racing.
"You're dead." She screams into the darkness. "I killed you! Leave me alone."
She's crying. Why the hell is she crying? She's in charge. She is.
"You don't get to do this!" She's talking to him. "It's my body. You fucker." Her head falls against the steering wheel. She's not making any sense. None of this makes sense. "I'm in control. I own my body."
She's a mess. She gets her mirror, razor blade, and straw and inhales.
"I'm in charge." She nods. "It's my choice."
The voice doesn't reply. Oxy, her savior once again. She's in control. Right?