16

Eventually, Bella moved from the floor to the chair next to her mother's bed, pulled her knees to her chest, and wrapped her arms around them, just watching as her mother slept. She had done that a lot over the last three years, two months, and twenty days. When she found herself too worked up to sleep, too nervous that suddenly her mother would burn the house down, she would sneak into her mother's bedroom and curled up on the floor next to her bed and just watch her sleep. Sometimes she would cry. Most of the time, she would cry, but when she watched her mother sleep, she could almost remember what it was like to have a mother who loved her again.

Every half hour or so, she would hear Jasper knock on the door and say, "Cricket, I'm here. I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere."

And it took all of her control not to throw open the door and leap into his arms, beg him to love her, to forgive her, but she couldn't. She couldn't because when her mother had needed her the most, she'd been in his arms, letting him love her, letting him touch her. She had been selfish and self-seeking, and her mother had fallen, had hit her head, and had finally come back to her.

After almost four hours, Renee began to stir and she rolled onto her back, her head slumping in her direction. When she smiled, the Renee that was smiling at her was the one she had missed, the one who had always encouraged her to follow her dreams, to be the best damn doctor the world had ever known. But she hadn't, had she? She'd given up her dream, her goals, and her plans for life because her mother had needed her, and her mother had been worth it. That's what she told herself, at least.

"Poppy," Renee whispered, her eyes closing for a moment before they opened again and she looked around the room. "Where's Jasper?"

Bella sighed, but shook her head.

"Oh, Poppy." Renee gave her a look as she tried to push herself up in the bed, but when her arms gave out, Bella stood and wrapped her arms around her and helped her sit up. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Bella sat on the side of her bed, draping her arm over her mother's legs. "How do you feel?"

Renee shook her head, wincing as she raised her hand to her forehead, right over the white bandage. "Confused. Very, very confused. You said the accident was three years ago?"

She nodded. "Three years, two months, and twenty days. Not that I'm counting."

"Yeah, not that you're counting." Renee sighed. "Why isn't Jasper in here with you, Poppy?"

Bella shrugged her shoulders.

"Poppy."

"What, Mom? What do you want me to say? It got hard, okay? It got really, really hard, and I had decisions to make, decisions that affected both of us."

"You pushed him away, didn't you?"

Again, Bella didn't reply.

"Wow, can't say I'm surprised. You were always willing to give up what you wanted for someone else."

Renee reached for Bella's hand, who gave it to her immediately. She pulled Bella toward her, so she shifted so that she was lying next to her mother, curled up against her. Just like she used to do when she was a little girl, when she had had a nightmare and she's sneak into her parents' bed, and her mother would hold her until she wasn't scared anymore. The problem, of course, Bella was scared of losing her mother.

"Did I ever tell you how Daddy and I met?"

Bella smiled. "You did. You were working inside a small coffee shop when he came in. It had been snowing and his hair was covered in snowflakes. He walked up to the counter and ordered his coffee."

"Black, please. None of that other bullshit that makes coffee girlie, he would say." Renee laughed, lifting Bella's hand up to her cheek before she turned and pressed her lips against Bella's palm. "He came in every single day, and every single day he would order black coffee without all that other bullshit. Got to the point where I knew exactly what time he was going to show up, so I'd have his coffee ready. He'd give me that smile. You know the one I'm talking about."

"His shit-eating grin. That's what you called it."

"The very same. Then one day, he didn't come in, and then another day and another, and I . . . I don't know why it made me so sad that he didn't come in. Why I found myself so disappointed that he wasn't coming in everyday. After almost two weeks, I had given up on him coming back, and then one day, I was leaving work through the backdoor, when I found him leaning against the side of my car. How he knew which car was mine, he never would tell me, but there he was with that shit-eating grin on his face, and a bouquet of red roses in his arms. I just stood there, staring at him. My heart was racing, beating frantically in my chest. I asked him where he had been. His smile dropped and he said told me about his mother, how she'd died, how he had to go home and take care of everything. But then he said he missed me. He missed me. He didn't even know my name, but he missed me, and damn it, Poppy, I missed him too."

"And then he asked you to go to dinner with him."

Renee nodded and she felt her lips press against the top of her head. "I fell in love with him that night. Knew the minute his hand touched mine that he was the love of my life. And it wasn't always easy, Poppy, for either of us, but we never let each other go. Never, so don't let Jasper go. He loves you. That boy loves you so very much."

Bella whimpered, bringing her hand up and covering her mouth. "But you need me, Mom. You need me."

"I need you to be happy."

She sniffed back her tears as she stood up and shifted so that she was facing her mother. "You don't understand what it's been like the last three years, two months, and twenty days."

A darkness filled Renee's eyes. "I do. I remember, Poppy. I'm starting to remember all of it. I wasn't . . . I wasn't a good mom to you."

"You weren't you."

"Maybe not, but I still wasn't a good mom to you." Renee lifted her hand up to her cheek. "You should not have given up everything for me. You should have let me go, Poppy."

"Momma," Bella wept, leaning into her hand. "You don't know what you're saying."

"I'm saying that you should put me in one of those places Heidi and Demetri were talking about. I overheard them talking about which one would be better, how much you've given up for me. I want to go to one of those places. Bayview sounded nice."

"But I can . . . I can take of you."

"Oh, Poppy, I know you can, but I don't want you to. I am not your responsibility. You are mine, and it's time I took care of you, you know? I don't want you to give up your life for me. Not for me."

"Momma," Bella sobbed, covering her hand with her own.

"I love you. I love you so much, Poppy, but I refuse to sit back and let you give him up, give up your dream of being a doctor for me. So, I'm making the decision for you."

Overcome with tears, Bella shifted so that she was lying next to her mother again, holding on to her. She felt Renee wrap her arm around her, felt her mother's lips press against the top of her head, felt the warmth of her embrace as she grieved.

—WL—

She wasn't sure how long she had laid in her mother's arms when she heard the door to her room open. Expecting Jasper, or even Ben or Alice, Bella closed her eyes for a moment before she sat up and turned, but instead of Jasper, Ben, or Alice, she found Dr. Biers and Heidi. She climbed off the bed as the door shut behind them, her eyes flickering back to her mother, who had fallen asleep an hour ago.

"She's really tired," Bella said, softly. "She's been sleeping a lot."

"It's normal with the type of head injury that she has. They're about to take her down for the MRI. And then for the CatScan," Dr. Biers replied.

She nodded. "She's not going to stay like this, is she?"

"Probably not," he confessed. "The damage that was done three years ago, it's not reversible, and even if it were, it would have taken more than a minor bump on the head to fix what was broken that night."

Bella nodded, wrapping her arms around herself as her eyes once again flooded with tears. "She, um, she remembers how she was over the last few years. She remembers everything, Dr. Biers."

"As she begins to regress backward again. . ."

Bella's eyes closed once again as she grabbed the front of her shirt. A moment later, she felt Heidi wrapping her arms around her.

"Let me go. Let me go. Let me go!" she screamed, and a heartbeat later, the door opened and Jasper was standing there. His eyes shifted around the room quickly, but landed on her a second later, and though she shook her head, he was by her side, his arms wrapping around her, and the tears that once again filled her eyes, fell freely down her face, seeping into the front of his shirt. "Let me go. Just let me go."

"Shh, Cricket," Jasper whispered, one hand coming up to the back of her head while the other was wrapped around her torso, pressing the fronts of their bodies together.

"It's not fair, Jay. It's not fair. It's not fair!"

"No, it's not, sweetheart; no, it's not."

Two orderlies strolled into the room, pausing as they looked from Dr. Biers to Heidi to Bella and Jasper and then Renee, who had woken and was watching Bella with sadness.

"We're supposed to take her down for an MRI," the first one said, his eyes flickering between them again. "Should we come back?"

"No," Renee said, and Bella closed her eyes for a moment before she looked back at her mother. "No, let's go now. I want to get it over with."

"Momma," Bella whimpered, and tried to pull herself out of Jasper's arms, but when Renee shook her head, he held on tighter. "Momma, please, don't leave me!"

"I love you, Poppy. I will always love you."

"Momma, please, please, please." Bella's knees gave out on her, but Jasper managed to keep her off the floor. "Momma, please. Please, Momma, don't leave me!"

"Don't let her go, Jasper. Don't you dare ever let her go."

"I won't, ma'am," he promised. "I won't ever again."

Renee's eyes closed and she lifted her hand toward the two orderlies, who were quick to unhook her from the machines monitoring her vitals, and as they rolled her bed out of the room, Bella knew this would be the last time she saw her mother — her real mother — again. She hadn't had nearly long enough with her.

—WL—

Bella barely remembered Jasper lifting her and carrying her out of the room, down the hallway, and back into the nurse's lounge. He sat on the black leather couch, with her in his lap, his arms wrapped around her. She felt his lips pressing against the top of her head, heard him promising over and over and over that he loved her, that he was never letting her go, and that he would take care of her. And while she wanted him, wanted him more than she had wanted anything in the entire world, she wanted more time with her mother, too. The handful of hours weren't enough, not nearly enough, and she needed more.

The clearing of a throat pulled their attention to the entrance of the lounge, where they found Heidi and Demetri standing with four cups of coffee in their hands. They shared a look before they walked in and placed the coffees on a table before turning chairs around to face them, picked up the coffees, sat down and shoved one cup in each of their hands.

"They just brought her back to her room," Heidi said, putting her hand up with Bella began to climb off Jasper's lap. "They had to sedate her. She got aggressive with the orderlies, fought against them so they had to sedate her."

Bella nodded. "She's gone. She's really gone."

"I'm afraid so."

She closed her eyes and blew out a shaky breath. "She wants me to put her in Bayview. She . . . she said she wasn't my responsibility anymore."

"I'll make the call," Demetri said, nodding. "Bella, for what it's worth, you did everything you could for her, for as long as you could have, but eventually, she would have ended up needing more care than you, or we, could offer."

"I didn't, though. I hated her. I hated her for trapping me in that house with her day after day after day. I hated her so much."

"The woman you spent three years taking care of, Bella, that was not your mother. That was someone else, someone cruel and hateful and angry because she was trapped in a body that didn't belong to her." Heidi slid off her chair and knelt in front of her and Jasper, who refused to loosen his arms from around her. "Remember the way she held you, the way she loved you, and be happy, Bella. Just . . . just be happy."

Heidi leaned up and kissed the side of her head and shifted her eyes to Jasper. "I texted Alice her address. Take her home, Jasper. Take her home, help her pack her stuff, and take her away from here. And whatever you do, don't ever let her go again."

"I won't."

Jasper stood with Bella in his arms and carried her between Demetri and Heidi, out of the nurse's lounge, down the hallway, past their friends — no their family — to the elevator. In fact, he didn't let her go as he carried her out of the hospital and put her in front seat of Ben's car and started the drive back to Bainbridge Island. And Bella? All Bella could do was cry — again.

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