I bet

This time of night you're still up

I bet

You're tired from a long hard week

I bet

You're sittin' in your chair by the window

Looking out at the city

And I bet

Sometimes you wonder 'bout me...

Taylor Swift "I Almost Do"

Her heart pounded in her chest, and she resisted the urge to bolt. She laid her fears at his feet and she could only wait for his response. She aimlessly played with his fingers while he digested everything she just said.

"That's okay." She felt his lips brush over the crown of her head. "I don't need you to need me Liv, but I hope you realize…" She heard his heartbeat quicken, and she knew he felt nervous about what he was about to say. He took a slow breath, "That I need you. I've always needed you. You weren't clinging to me, you weren't the one who needed me. You never were, but I needed you. Much more than I should have."

A familiar wave of anger washed over her. "If that were true, why would you leave?" She tilted her head up so she could see him better. She tried to mitigate the pain and frustration in her voice. "God El, why would you do that? Leave without a goddamn word." She blinked back some tears that threatened to fall. Her next words came out in a muted whisper. "I deserved more than that. If you needed me so badly, why would you go?" She closed her eyes in an attempt to keep her emotions in check. If she could see him, if should see how her words hurt him, she wouldn't be able to say them. "Ten years, Elliot. Ten years isn't nothing."

"Those ten years were hell," his voice quivered with his honest admission. "I know it wasn't nothing. I, I, never said that it was." She suddenly felt like there was something he wasn't telling her, something she should have known, but somehow didn't. She felt a feeling of uncertainty wash over her, but she continued to listen silently. "I came back, and I needed…" he paused, "I'm not sure what I expected, but things changed so drastically once I got here…and my original reasons for coming back got swallowed up in grief…" he took another shaky breath, "grief and this all consuming guilt. "

She had always known he had come back for her ceremony, but why then? He had been gone ten years, and had received many awards in that amount of time. What was it about that ceremony that brought him back across the ocean, wife in tow, right to her doorstep. She swallowed deeply. "What brought you back…why, why then?" Her voice shook with uncertainty, she wasn't sure if she wanted to know the answer to that question. Something told her it would be painful. Something told her she would hate what was coming.

He let out a long slow breath. "I had…god it's… a case. It hit too hard. I was floundering…" she instinctively tightened her grip on his hand. She wasn't going to like what was coming. It was evident in his voice. "Like always…Kath…she didn't know what to do with me when I was like that." He chuckled darkly, "You probably know that better than anyone." She nodded firmly. She had been a silent observer for years. "She didn't understand. She couldn't understand. I wasn't," he scrubbed his face, "it wasn't like I was suicidal or anything…I was just…careless I guess. Reckless." He swallowed deeply. "For the first time in ten years," she felt his body tense behind hers. She felt her pulse quicken with her sense of rising anxiety. His next words were spoken slowly. Quietly. "I felt like the world was better off without me, and I obviously couldn't take myself out…so somewhere in the back of my head I hoped someone else would."

She felt like she was suffocating. She stood suddenly. Gripping her abdomen like she was holding back real physical pain. Maybe she was. A crashing realization hit her. There had been a real possibility he would have gotten himself killed… and she wouldn't have ever known. Her fingers dug deeply into her skin. She was probably drawing blood, but in a way the pain kept her grounded into their current reality.

When she finally felt like she could breathe again she nervously drifted her eyes to his face. His eyes returned her gaze, the bloodshot red deepening his baby blues. She opened her mouth, but couldn't find her voice. How could she admit that she loved him so much that even the thought of his death sent her spiraling. She knew he was waiting for some sort of response or explanation but she couldn't force any words out. Instead she sat back down next to him and curled herself up into his side. Her arm draped across his chest, and she savored the very real feeling of his beating heart.

With her settled, he continued. He spoke slowly, and she realized he was probably trying to figure out the exact meaning behind her intense reaction. Still, he wrapped his arm around her, and let his fingers toy with the ends of her hair. She watched the movement, almost mesmerizing in its own way. "Everything I had been running from came tumbling back and all the…emotions I locked away came back with full vengeance. I never dealt with…I don't know. Anything I guess. I just…" he sighed.

"Ran." She finished his thought. She felt her own heart breaking with every carefully worded confession.

"My life didn't matter anymore, not really. The kids were grown up, even Eli didn't need me like he once had, and Kathy…" he blew out a long breath. "Things were okay, but sometimes it felt like we were only limping along, like she wished she had chosen a different life for herself." He shook his head, "I only hurt the ones I loved, and the job…I felt like I was losing my humanity. After, um, Jenna it was the same, I guess. I didn't know how to handle things so I left and tried not to look back, but this time I was lost and Kathy was desperate. She was the one who wanted to come. She thought…well…she wanted you to fix me. She knew I missed you and I think she hoped if I saw you again…" he sighed. "I don't really know. I think she was hoping for a miracle. I think somewhere along the line she realized the one person she always ran from was the one person who kept me put together."

Olivia's brain struggled to follow the unexpected turn in conversation. One question stood out to her with blaring clarity. "The letter?" Her stomach twisted into an uncomfortable knot.

She placed her focus on their joined hands and she nervously rubbed her thumb over his rough knuckles. That damn cryptic, confusing as hell letter. "I have no idea. I was messed up, and I think she wanted…maybe she wanted to draw some clear lines, you know, if she was asking for help…if we were coming back. Because we weren't really sure what was going to happen, and we could have been coming back for good."

And she wanted to stake her claim.

He pinched his eyes shut and shook his head. "Damn it. I came here for you. And here I go making it about me. Like always."

That wasn't true, at least not really. He might have thought he turned the night into a pity part about him, but really he had just given her the answers to years of unanswered questions. He'd given her a gift she had been too scared to ask for. And one day she would return the confidence. She would share her secrets, her close brushes with death, but for right now, this was enough. It was enough to know him again, and even more than that she felt the small buds of trust beginning to bloom in her heart. She always gave so much of herself to him, and he rarely gave anything in return. He in many ways had always been more guarded than she, but now…right now he gave her everything he had, and she felt like her heart could burst with overwhelming affection.

She sat up and placed her hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look at her. "That's not true." Her thumb brushed across the rough stubble on his face. "It's always been a give and take, you and I. Sometimes you needed more and sometimes I needed it, but this right here." She motioned between the two of them. "What you just told me, everything you shared…" she felt tears stinging her eyes. "This was a gift I never knew I needed El. This…trust…you have in me. It's," she felt her voice thicken with emotion. "It's everything."

He nodded, and laid a hand over hers that still rested on her cheek. She needed one more answer. She needed to hear one more truth. "I need to know why you left the way you did. I know we talked about it, but…it doesn't feel like enough." She admitted.

He watched her bensively, and she knew he was gauging how much truth she could handle in one night. Finally, he removed a hand from his cheek, and brought her fingers to his lips, "I loved you too much," he said the words simply.

She felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her. It was pretty obvious how he felt now. The man wasn't exactly subtle, but hearing that he loved her then. That was something she never dared to hope or believe, but something she intuitively felt all along. And maybe it was crazy. And maybe it was impulsive. But really it wasn't. Because twenty five years was a damn long time, and now nothing stood in her way beyond her own fear and pride. The words left her lips freely, and without doubt or restraint. "I love you too."

The smile on his face made her laugh out loud. "I thought you might," he said with an air of typical confidence.

She smacked his bicep, and rolled her eyes. "You're such an idiot."

His eyes softened, and he reached for her face. "Yeah. I really am," he said seriously. "But I'm an idiot who loves you, and wants to be a part of your life."

She bit her lip. "You're staying?" She hated how hopeful her voice sounded.

"I'm staying," he affirmed.

She wasn't sure if she meant for tonight, or for always, but something told her his answer would be the same either way. "Okay then." Without hesitation she brought a hand to his cheek, and kissed him softly. She could feel his smile before she opened her eyes.

"You have no idea how long I have wanted you to do that," he said breathlessly.

"I think I do," she murmured in return.

She felt him draw in a slow breath, breathing her in before letting his lips fall on hers again. One of his hands threaded into her hair, and the other settled on her hip as his mouth explored hers.

After a brilliantly blissful eternity she pulled back. She bit her lip and let out a nervous laugh. "I'd invite you to stay, but I've got a sleeping preteen in the next room."

He smiled and pecked her lips lightly. "It's okay. I get it."

He shifted his weight as if he planned to ride from the couch, and suddenly Olivia realized she didn't want him to go. Just as he began to stand she caught his forearm "Wait." He froze, waiting for whatever she had to say. She felt nervous at the silly request, but it was time to actually ask for what she wanted…what she needed.

He sat back down, and his eyes screamed worry and concern. She kept her hand on his strong forearm and hurried out her explanation. "I," she hesitated. "I want you to stay." She knew she was communicating some mixed messages so she added. "Just…here." Her eyes motioned towards the couch. Sex might be off the table for the night, but it didn't mean he couldn't stay.

He leaned back into the cushions, and his insufferable smile crossed his face. As annoying as that smile was, it also left her feeling weak in the knees. He grasped her hand and pulled her gently towards him. "So um," he chuckled. "Wanna watch a movie or something."

She laughed softly and settled in against his chest. His arm wrapped around her and she felt an all consuming feeling of warmth and safety. He was here. He was staying, and life couldn't be better. "Yeah," she smiled serenely, "that sounds perfect."

Okay…I have this a fascination over Elliot's missing decade. Like what the hell was he doing for ten years. It's a backstory we might never know…but it will not keep me from speculating (More speculations on the missing 10 years in my full fic "Healed but Never Whole")