I know I suck... finishing my master thesis, presenting it, moving across seas again to my country had me with my hands full. i want to thank all your comments, as i promised before, this fanfic will be ended but i can't promise regular updates even though i wish it. right now life is kinda full but i want to give a conclusion to this story. so here is one more ;)

This is a chapter that i am excited to upload, a conversation in this chapter has been planned carefully after hours and hours of listening to broadway songs so point to the ones that can identify them ;)

Hope you like it.

After that night, Jesse never slept again on the couch. Rachel had assured him that she no longer had any nightmares when he slept close to her, so he didn't put much of a fight if it apparently was the solution for Rachel's bad dreams.

He could already feel the weight of his decision to cave in into Rachel's pleadings, this opportunity to be so close to Rachel in the same bed as if they were a couple; holding her, cradling her, her snuggling to him, left him again yearning even stronger for them to be a family and for him to be able to openly love her and the baby. That kept him up at night.

It might be sweet torture, but it was torture nonetheless.

And since he was unable to sleep, he could actively confirm that his presence at night next to her really seemed to work, since she placidly slept without any hint of discomfort. That fact alone gave him relief and was the main reason why he didn't attempt to return to the couch when he was sure Rachel was profoundly asleep.

He was through his 5th cup of coffee by 4 pm, this was the 3rd night in a row where he couldn't sleep well so that black liquid had become his best friend since then.

"Damn St. James, you are basically inhaling that coffee at this point" said Christian, looking at him impressed by how much caffeine his body could hold as they walked through the noisy streets of New York and made way towards their respective homes after classes.

"I know, I'm just beat" Jesse answered sipping his coffee and repeatedly rubbing his face.

"It's the third day in a row Jess" asked Cara concerned furrowing her brow, "Everything ok at home?"

"Yeah, it's just Rachel. She is staying at my place" he said, not wanting to share too much, he usually did fine alone and didn't like sharing his problems; Rachel was the exception to that rule, she was the only one whom he ever shared bits about his life.

"Weren't you trying to put some space between you two?" asked Christian, he had been on the loop about this only because that day Jesse felt particularly weak and needed to vent to someone before imploding. But now he was regretting his decision, he really didn't want to talk about it, but he knew how it looked like from the outside.

"Hence the root of the problem" he said curtly, looking away from his friend's concerned eyes.

"You wanted to put some space between Rachel, the girl you like, and yourself and then proceeded to accept her into your home?" asked Cara, not picking up his poor disposition to continue discussing the subject.

"Precisely" he answered with a short and curt response, wanting her to take the hint to drop the subject.

"You are probably the more masochist and stupidest person I know, St. James" snickered Christian, to which Cara responded by jerking her head in his direction and scowled at him.

"Well, I can sense you don't want to talk about it, Jess, but we are your friends, you can talk to us if it gets too much" Cara said taking a hint at his annoyed look and dropping the subject.

"This is me" announced Christian as they reached the entrance gate from his home. "See you tomorrow guys, St. James, hang in there you poor soul"

Jesse rolled his eyes and huffed and then continued his walk with Cara by his side to his loft, which was the next one on their way, just some streets before Cara's home. They continued their way back home in complete silence.

Cara refrained from adding anything else to their previous conversation, knowing that her friend wouldn't appreciate it, but the silence was making her uncomfortable, so she was thankful when they reached his gate.

"Sorry for being such a spoilsport" Jesse said, a bit ashamed once they reached his main door. He knew he was grumpy, and he wasn't fun to have around, Cara wasn't at fault, she was just trying to help.

"It's ok Jess, and I'm saying this as a concerned friend; but you should know that there are ways of being a good friend without being the poster child for it, you know?" Cara said insightfully with a calm smile, "I'll drop the subject now" she raised her hands in sign of surrender.

He was going to refute her, but she did have a point. Not that there was something he could do by now, but maybe finishing Rachel's room would give him a break and give him a much-needed space.

He smiled back at her gratefully.

"Thanks Cara, I'll see what I can do about our living arrangements" he said with a small smile.

"You are a good guy, deep down that infuriating and annoying front St. James" she teased him to lighten the mood as she messed with his short curls with her hand playfully.

"Don't let word get around, I have a reputation to uphold" he teased back with his usual cocky grin returning to his face as he fixed his spoiled hair.

Cara snorted and shook her head, she then bid her goodbyes, hugging him lightly, but then Jesse held her a bit tighter impeding her from pulling back, and she let him feeling he needed a friendly hug. He quickly released her, and she resumed her way to her home.

As Jesse climbed upstairs, he mulled over his conversation with Cara.

The reason all of this got so much harder was because somewhere along the way he began to expect Rachel to notice his feelings for her and her baby, but that was the thing, she had been perfectly clear about not having expectations, and it was unfair of him to pin that upon her.

Maybe the solution to all of this was to finally have a conversation about his feelings for her and her baby with Rachel, if she thought that made things awkward and strained between them, then he would understand if she wanted some space and wanted to return to her apartment.

He knew that Rachel could suddenly decide to remove herself from his life if she thought she couldn't ever return his feelings and he was at peace with that, but this situation couldn't continue like this, he needed a break from feeling like constantly drowning and yearning for what would never happen for him.

As for Rachel, now staying most of her time in Jesse's apartment since she couldn't move anywhere with her now big and uncomfortable baby bump, she didn't have much to do but stay on the couch and think.

Since the morning, she had been obsessively analyzing the calming effect of Jesse's arms after that week they had spent without communication. If she could describe her state of mind without Jesse's presence that week, it was resumed in: troubled and upset; and the minute she saw his face, smelled his scent and felt his arms wrapped around her, it all evaporated, and it was replaced by total and utter calm and happiness.

It literally felt as if her soul re-entered her body. As if her body had been possessed all this time by a mean and irritable version of her, and now her true, more mellow (as mellow as Rachel Berry can be) and happier version of her returned.

As if all her emotions regulated themselves just by being in his presence.

And now sleeping with him three nights in a row, she felt as if he protected her not only from her bad dreams but from everything, she felt safe and secure by his side. It was true that sleeping next to him and feeling him so close to her helped her, but she also was aware that a part of her desired to feel the warmth and scent of his whole body near her. To pretend that she was asleep to move closer to him, just enough for her back to be close to his chest.

She wondered how Jesse felt about all of this, was he indifferent? Was he just being a good friend to her in her hour of need?

She couldn't deny it anymore, she was in love with him. And it wasn't like before, this felt stronger, purer and more mature, nothing she had ever felt before. She still loved Finn, and she began to understand that maybe that wasn't going to change ever, and it was fine. If Jesse felt the same, and he understood that Finn's handprint in her soul would be forever with her, then seeking a relationship with him was something that she felt ready for in a close future.

Right now, she knew, that when she was ready to see herself in a relationship with someone, it could only be with Jesse. It could only be with him, she loved him and only him. But that scared her senseless, the notion of loving someone other than Finn.

And she even suspected that she loved Jesse more. It just felt different, more grown up and not so full of the insecurities and anxieties that accompanied her younger love towards Finn.

That thought alone was what kept her from voicing it out loud because it would be admitting how strong, and fervent, her feelings were. That left her again in square one, unable to act on them, and it was starting to give her a headache.

Wanting to stretch her legs a bit and clear her head, she went downstairs to the coffee shop in front of Jesse's building.

She was deciding what to order when she felt a familiar presence next to her.

"Rachel? Child, you are glowing!" Said Steven Sater with a big grin on her face.

"Mr. Sater! What a surprise finding you here" she said mirroring his grin, Rachel had taken quite a liking to him during the workshops. He was so wise and full of literary knowledge, hearing him speak and explain the analysis from his book and lyrics was inspiring and thrilling.

"Had some errands to run in the area and was taking a break" he explained. "Pregnancy suits you Rachel"

"Thanks, though right now I'm counting the days to pop this baby out, my bladder and back will be grateful" she said jokingly.

He laughed with her, and they continued their small talk until both had ordered and gotten their respective choices.

"Care to join me?" asked Steven while searching for an empty table near the window.

"Sure" she accepted; this was going to be a nice distraction from her full schedule of doing nothing.

"So, what brings you to the Upper East Side if you are not going to classes, as you just told me?" he inquired while sipping his cappuccino.

"I'm staying at Jesse's place, had a bit of an impasse with my roommates, and he has been kind enough to let me stay with him indefinitely" she explained, a bit embarrassed of venting her problems with the director of her play.

"Kind indeed, but something tells me he's like that only with you, child" he said with an enigmatic smile.

"Oh! I don't know, Jesse puts a cold and aloof front to everyone but in reality, he has a big heart" she answered, dismissing his previous statement and resuming her sipping on her herbal tea.

"Forgive my skepticism Rachel, it's just that I've seen how that boy looks at you, almost as if you could walk on water" he said, moved by her obliviousness. Jesse definitely had a long road to walk with her.

"You think so?" she asked now curious to his outsider perspective; it seemed that maybe a second opinion could help her break the endless cycle of self-doubt and fear that paralyzed her from taking action.

"Anyone who has eyes can tell you that much, Rachel, it has been quite the topic of conversation among the cast during the workshops" Mr. Sater added, smiling softly.

"Was it that obvious?" she asked surprised, was it something that clear for everyone to see but her? "Yes" he said and then chuckled,

"I can understand your unawareness to this though, you've been mourning your boyfriend, right?" She just nodded. Finn's topic always had that effect on her, unless it was Jesse listening.

"Well sometimes when we are so deep into the tunnel, we feel that our bereavement is the key to survive from our loss, and we only focus on that. But child, there comes a time when we need to stop using our grief as a shell, otherwise life will happen with or without us".

"I know I've been doing that, it's just… I'm afraid of moving on as if I was forgetting him. I sometimes feel as if moving on equals forgetting Finn" she whispered, fixing her gaze into her tea and tucking her hands between her legs to stop them from fumbling nervously.

"At first it can feel like that Rachel" he said understanding where she was coming from, "If you perpetually mourn and grief for him then he is still present in your life, right?"

She elevated her gaze and nodded, astounded; he had read her perfectly.

"You are not the first nor the last to lose someone you love child, trouble knocks on any door" he said with a saddened smile "I can tell you this much, you'll carry him with you forever. I can see that he was a big part of your life, so even if you move on and continue with your life, he'll be with you in every step of the way. What I came to understand in my short span on this lifetime, is that if I'm afraid of moving forward because that means I'll be forgetting my loved lost ones, it's because deep down I'm afraid that my love for them wasn't big enough for them to remain by my side even if they are not physically by my side…which is ridiculous because they deeply impacted my life".

Rachel reflected on his words and decided to voice for the first time what had been brewing for some time inside of her.

"So, it would be okay if I wanted to pursue something with Jesse? Mr. Sater… I've realized I'm in love with him, I'm just afraid of taking the first step" she said with a faltering nervous smile and smoothing her clothes.

"Of course, Rachel, starting something with Jesse will never stop you from filling your heart and mind with your loved one, and I'm sure he understands that too and doesn't want you either. Besides, you are carrying a projection of your ex-boyfriend's heart, so in a way he will always walk with you" he assured her with a soft smile, and then as if an idea had come to his mind his eyes lightened up "Do you mind if I jot down some things from this conversation in my idea book? I just had an idea for a song for the next workshop".

Rachel laughed and nodded "Sure Mr. Sater, glad to be of inspiration"

He finished scribbling down some notes and elevated his gaze.

"So, you are in love with Jesse then?" he asked trying to contain his elation to the best of his abilities, he had been impressed by Jesse's self-control to blurt out how he felt to avoid confusing Rachel in the midst of her mourning period and had witnessed his selfless actions all these past months, the boy deserved a win.

"Yes Mr. Sater" Rachel answered without an ounce of doubt, it was like she was seeing more clearly in months. "He has been my rock through all of this, he has been there for me every step of the way, even when I was on my lowest, he made me see the light at the end of the tunnel" she explained a bit embarrassed.

"Perhaps he makes you feel…alive?" he asked again with his enigmatic smile to which after a while of reflecting on his words, she nodded agreeing with him. When she was merely surviving, he came and made her feel alive again, "That's worth a lot" he added with his calm and wise demeanor.

"I know" she said now feeling confident that Jesse was worth the shot and that her happiness laid with him.

"I have to excuse myself child, these errands won't finish by themselves, I hope this was a pleasant conversation for you as it was for me" Steven said as he picked what was left of his coffee and sipped it in one gulp. "Take care, and let us know when that little rugrat's here"

"Will do Mr. Sater, take care" she said as he left rapidly the shop.

She stayed there looking outside the window and musing over her conversation with Mr. Sater, maybe letting Jesse know about what she thought and felt wouldn't be such a bad idea, that way she would be able to know where he stands too.

She was still scared about voicing her latest discovery, and she wished she could keep these feelings from Jesse for a little more, not wanting to change this comfortable dynamic they had, though.

Rachel was deep in thought when she spotted the familiar form of her curly friend walking to the loft by the side of a tall and small blonde-haired girl. Jesse had mentioned to her that his group of friends had girls in it before, so perhaps she was one from the group that he had told her before.

From her spot she noticed that said girl was pretty with her slender and elegant composure, she looked like a ballet dancer. That made Rachel's slim control on her insecurities about herself break easily. Right now, everyone looked beautiful and prettier if she compared herself to her whale-like body with anybody.

Rachel felt a pang of jealousy towards Jesse's friend, she was talking to him as if they were close and Jesse was even looking warmly at her, a look that Rachel thought was reserved only to her.

In their run in Spring awakening's workshop, he was always neutral and well-mannered with the girls from the cast. Never mean or rude towards them, but also never warm and sweet, as he was exclusively with her. With the rest of the world, he could be a bastard sometimes, bratty and snobbish even, he even admitted it, but there was a side of Jesse that only she was witness of. Until now, apparently, that same soft look that he cast at her was on his face looking at that girl.

And then she ruffled his head and hugged him, by that moment Rachel was clenching her teeth so hard that her jaw was hurting. But then Jesse pulled her tighter against him, and Rachel turned all shades of green.