Chapter 1: Beginnings

"Uhm...are you okay?"

Naruto awkwardly poked his fingers together in a fashion similar to Hinata's habit, shuffling from foot to foot. He'd never tried comforting someone before, and altogether it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He thought it was supposed to be a hug and then it was over, but no, the kid was crying.

"Who're you?" the little duck-haired boy sniffled, hastily wiping his tears away. Naruto shrugged.

"Just piddlin' around here," he muttered. "I'm Naruto." He stuck his hand out, fast enough it looked more like a jab than anything else.

"Sasuke," the boy had flinched back for a moment, and after staring at his hand, gave it a hesitant shake.

"Why were you cryin'?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke shrugged. "My brother can do everything right," he said. "I can't do anything right."

"Me neither," said Naruto as he sat down on the dock beside Sasuke. He started swinging his legs back and forth. "I can't do any jutsu, I can't use my chakra, and I can't even write right."

Sasuke neglected to correct his pronunciation in fear that he would start an argument over it. "My brother knows a lot of fire jutsu and he can jump really high, and he can run faster than even ANBU."

"Me too!" Naruto grinned, teeth looking like a row of shark teeth. "I painted the Hokage Mountain last week. It took them three hours to catch me!"

Sasuke drew back with an expression of stunned amazement. "You did that? How old are you?" Naruto looked down and counted on his fingers. "Um...five." He said.

"Wow. Maybe the ANBU are just slow."

"That's what Kyuu says."

"Who's Kyuu?"

"The demon who lives in my head!" Naruto beamed.

"O...okay," Sasuke sweatdropped, edging away from him a little. His tears had dried up, as he was too preoccupied with the strange urchin beside him to think about why he had been crying. "Where do you live?" he questioned, eyeing the rags Naruto was dressed in. Of course, to a clan heir, Naruto's clothes would seem like rags, even if they were not literal rags; he was wearing a ratty pair of pants a size too large that he'd had since leaving the orphanage, a thin but clean oversized T-shirt, and a pair of sandals that were about to fall apart.

"Everywhere," Naruto replied, flopping back onto the dock. "Jii-chan got me an apartment, but the mean council people won't let him help one orphan and not all of them so it's not very good."

"You're an orphan?" Sasuke stammered. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

Naruto waved him off. "It's fine," he said, even as a pang made his heart hurt. "Don't you have any friends?"

Naruto frowned up at the sky, watching a cloud that resembled a pig float by. "No."

"Oh." Sasuke paused again, indecision rippling through him before he poked Naruto in the stomach. "I'll be your friend, then!"

Naruto blinked, turning to look at him as his eyes slowly grew bright with excitement. "Really?" he asked, nearly squealing as he leapt up and grabbed Sasuke's hand. "You wanna be my friend?"

Sasuke nodded. Naruto crowed, dragging him up and toward the village, unsure of how to proceed but making up for it with raw enthusiasm. "Awesome, dattebayo! I've never had a friend before!"

Little did either of them know just how much it would change things.

Naruto was dumpster-diving when a man came hurtling through a rooftop, skidding down the rest of the way and dropping to the ground with a loud thud. Women were shrieking inside, and with a frown, Naruto deduced that the man must be a worthless pervert like the old man had told him about.

Also the sort of man he was to avoid, but his curiosity got the better of him.

Naruto made his way up to the mountain of silver hair, grabbing a stick off the ground and poking it. A groan rewarded him his efforts, and he poked it again and again and again until a hand snatched the stick from his hands, splintering it in half. "Cut it out," the lump snapped.

Naruto had had a lot worse things done to him in alleyways than being poked with a stick. He didn't have much sympathy. "Go away," he glared.

"What?" The lump looked up, and Naruto immediately didn't like the man's face. It was interesting, certainly, with red lines and an amusing structure (was he a comedian?). However, he had the urge to poke the man's eyelids.

"I was dumpster diving," Naruto elaborated, gesturing back to his Kingdom. The Kingdom of dumpsters, back alleys, and dogs that roamed the streets. "You're bothering me, and I don't like you. You're a pervert. Go away."

The man's eyebrows started twitching. "Hey, kid," Kyuu snickered. "Tell him you'll cry wolf for those women if he doesn't give you five hundred ryo."

Shut up, Kyuu, Naruto grumbled.

"You don't like me?" the man was saying. "Do you even know who I a-"

Naruto turned and headed towards the alley opening, leaving the man with his jaw hanging. "D-don't just walk away when I'm in the middle of talking to you!" he yelled, leaping up and storming after him.

Upon seeing what he was doing, Naruto scowled and started running away. "Leave me alone, you perverted old man!" he yelled, and that was how Iruka happened upon them.

Jiraiya was too distracted to see the flying kick coming his way. In a way that was less reliant on power or skill and more to do with sheer physics, Iruka's feet slammed into his face and sent him flying into a building, where he catapulted off it at an odd angle and slammed his head into the asphalt of the street and fell unconscious. In a few hours, he would awake in confusion and attribute his weird night to too much drinking.

"Iruka-nii!" Naruto cheered, throwing himself upon his chunin friend with vigor.

"Naruto!" Iruka chastised, young face already growing crease lines from worry. "What have I told you about going out at night?"

"I was dumpster diving!"

"It's too dangerous! Come on." Iruka pulled him away, while Naruto went on about the pros and cons of

dumpster diving and the state of the cabbages he'd found that evening. Somewhere along the line, Iruka had given him a sack bag he used to carry everything from food to paint for his pranks. Said cabbages had made that bag their home.

As soon as Iruka dropped him off at his apartment (wrinkling his nose at the sour milk in the fridge and the state of the lock on his door and muttering to himself on his way out), Naruto deposited his cabbages into his fridge and slipped out the window, dropping from the second story into a bush. Any scrapes or cuts he gathered would heal by the next morning anyway.

Even if the occasional drunkard did try to catch him, Naruto was faster than any civilian and most ninja who were stupid and weak enough to try anything while intoxicated. He also knew the alleyways of Konoha's poor districts like the back of his own hand.

Naruto righted himself and loped down the street, humming. Nighttime was his favorite part of the day, although a downside was he couldn't visit Sasuke. Even Sakura, the nice girl they'd made friends with in the park, was asleep. Silly children, didn't they know nighttime was the best time to plan out pranks?

He may have let himself into a particularly rude shopkeep's store and he may have lifted a few bins of paint, but no one could prove anything.

As he approached the Hokage Tower, he dodged in between security details (seriously, their patterns were way too easy to track) and found where he'd hooked up some ropes that would allow him to paint the side of the building. With a grin, he silently made his way up in the dark, hood drawn up over his head to hide his blond hair.

It took a while, but eventually, he wrote-

Ibiki is bald.

These were, no doubt, his favorite types of pranks. He wasn't making fun of anything- simply stating a fact, something he had no problem with; Ibiki was bald. However, people were so quick to assume he was trying to make a quip and had done it badly. Wow, is that the best you could do? Unknowingly saying exactly what he had expected; wanted them to. The best pranks were ones no one understood... like satire.

How did he know one Ibiki Morino? The answer involved a bar, a can of tuna, and a potted plant named Frank.

Around one year prior, a six-year-old Naruto was on a mission: Sasuke had told him about something called tuna, so he wanted to try if for himself.

There was no way he could afford fresh tuna, however. He wondered if Konoha's vendors even had it, or if it could be called fresh if it were imported.

He wandered through the shopping district with a small amount of cash from Sasuke's allowance, looking around for any blue tins. This was around the time where he was just cementing his friendship with Sasuke, so he was still rather attached to his houseplants, his only friends up to that point. To be fair, however, he would stay rather attached into adulthood, although he wouldn't be in the habit of carrying them around with him.

To anyone who asked, he replied that "Frank" the rosemary plant didn't appreciate their racism and that he was just as much of a person as they were. Larry the Cricket chirped his agreement from his place in Naruto's collar.

He liked simple foreign names.

However, the canned tuna simply evaded Naruto's search, despite how wide and varied that search was. As six-year-olds were want to do, he eventually wandered away from the market, waxing poet in his mind

about how unfortunate the situation was. Kyuubi groaned from his confines.

He wandered into an alley, sitting down against the wall with a sigh. He set Frank down, slumping with indignation. Didn't Konoha shopkeeps realize how important his search for tuna was?

A door swished open. Someone in an apron dragged a bag of trash out, heading for the dumpster, and, despite how tempted he was to dive, he turned and snuck through the door, stopping on the threshold in confusion.

There were a few tables, but most of the space was taken up by a countertop, chock full of shinobi seemingly obsessed with the bottles full of liquid. Short enough that no one noticed him, Naruto made his way underfoot and beneath the tables until he stood by a familiar face by the bar.

He didn't know the man, but he'd seen him around the village. "Excuse me."

The din didn't quiet, so he cleared his throat.

"Excuse me!"

Silence fell, and each person there swiveled to look at him. Naruto scowled. He hated being the center of attention.

"...what's a kid doing in here?" A man with a needle in his mouth asked. "I need canned tuna," Naruto explained.

The man he was addressing raised his eyebrows, eyes darting over to a masked man in the corner. The purple-haired woman beside him started cracking up. "What makes you think I have that?"

"If you honestly don't know where to find canned tuna, I regret the state Konoha shinobi have fallen into."

The purple-haired woman laughed harder, and several of the shinobi around them started snickering. The man glared down at him, and Naruto gathered it must have been intimidating to most people.

He remembered Iruka telling him it was polite to introduce one's self, so he pointed to his chest. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto," he said, then held up his rosemary. "This is Frank. Will you tell me where to find canned tuna now?"

Iruka's nagging voice reminded him he also needed to ask the other person's name. "What's your name?" he asked, frowning.

The purple-haired woman turned and giggled into the bar, curling one hand into a fist around her shot glass.

"Morino Ibiki," the man's lip twitched, "brat. Buy it at the market. Now get out."

"Listen, kid, you really shouldn't-" Another shinobi started, but Naruto ignored him. "Torturer," Kyuu whispered.

"I didn't find it at the market," Naruto complained with a scowl. "Frank wants some too." "Frank?" The man sitting beside Ibiki questioned, looking confused.

Naruto held Frank up again. "This is Frank," he said. "I named him after the murderer from the far west. He decapitated three of his sisters before going on a rampage and slaughtering twenty-five people," he said, making the bartender draw back, appearing disturbed. "Frank takes after him, because all my

other rosemary died after I got him."

Dead silence reigned for a few moments, before Ibiki threw back his head and started guffawing. "Naruto," the masked man from the corner knelt down beside him, and Naruto got the urge to tug on his silver hair. "Why don't I walk you home and Iruka can help you find canned tuna in the morning?"

Naruto immediately picked up on the fact that the masked nin knew he knew Iruka despite him having never met him, and deduced he must have either known Iruka or been one of the guards the old man had given him when he was smaller; probably both. After a moment's thought, he thought of the only silver-haired ANBU he'd ever seen, and assigned the name 'Dog' to the masked nin. To the day he would die, he would constantly refer to Kakashi as a dog despite attempts to make him do otherwise.

"You're bald," Naruto said, staring at the wrap on Ibiki's head. "Naruto, that isn't polite," Kakashi sweatdropped.

"Well I don't want to walk home with you, pervert," Naruto sniffed, spotting the Icha-Icha volume peeking out of the man's pocket. The bar started chuckling again.

Naruto continued staring as Ibiki unwrapped his head, making a few of the lesser shinobi cringe. "Yeah, got a problem with it?" The man grinned a shark-like grin.

Naruto stared at the scarring with an odd look on his face. "I like you better without the stupid hat," he told Ibiki, turning toward the door and walking away. After a moment, he came back with a frown, poised for another question. "If I stabbed someone here, how long would it take for them to die?" he asked, pointing to a place on his abdomen.

Again, the bartender gave him a disturbed look, and Kakashi sweatdropped, and Ibiki grinned. "About four minutes to bleed out," he said.

Naruto had been stabbed there once. It hadn't been deep, but it had closed within three minutes. He'd felt lightheaded for a whole day, and almost fainted, but the next day he'd been fine.

"Frank says you're wrong," he told the man, and left the way he'd came, resuming his search for canned tuna.

"Naruto, we're going to be joining the ninja academy! You can't be late everywhere you go," Sakura complained, pouting. Naruto stalled for an excuse, not liking he had to come up with one but recognizing the need for one.

"Uh, I was...delivering groceries," he sweated. Sakura huffed, but accepted it.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. He knew Naruto had been sneaking into the library. He was too young for a library card, and had only learnt to read when Sasuke taught him, but he had a penchant for crime dramas centering on mass murderers.

"Come on! Let's go play!" Sakura cheered, holding a bright red ball above her head as she ran toward the trees. Naruto's heart lifted, and he followed along with a happy grin. The boys had run into her on accident one day, and had made friends with her instantly.

Sasuke was silent, following in their footsteps with a frown. "What's wrong, Sasuke?" Sakura asked, innocent curiosity in her expression.

"Well," he said, "how will we make sure we graduate and end up on the same team?" Sakura paused, frowning, not noticing Naruto's eyes light up.

When the Uchiha massacre took place, Sasuke was in the woods with Naruto, leaping from branch to branch as they laughed. Later, Sasuke would wonder what the point of being happy was when his family was dying within the very same village, and Naruto would tell him as he and Sakura held their sobbing friend; because, of course, he was going to be so sad later.

"I have an idea," Naruto said, a wild grin overtaking his lips. "We just have to stack it so they have to put us on the same team."

"What do you mean?" Sakura questioned, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Sasuke'll be the genius," Naruto explained, rolling his eyes when said Uchiha puffed up in pride, "Sakura-chan will be the average. The middle ground, the one who's smart but not that good at things." Sakura frowned. "And I'll be the dead last, the dropout, and stupid one."

"That's not fair!" Sakura cried.

"It doesn't matter," Naruto replied. "This way, we'll end up together because they'll have to if they want a balanced team."

"He's right," Sasuke interrupted. Naruto paused, eyes going out of focus, and they both fell silent. After a moment, he returned, and Sasuke asked, "What did the Kyuubi say?"

"Kurama," Naruto corrected. Sakura had shrieked and hysterically asked if the fox could get out when Naruto had told her, but the Uchiha had taken it much more calmly. "He said he'll teach me some stuff!"

"...why?" Sasuke asked incredulously. As far as he knew, Naruto and Kurama had an annoy-hate-love relationship. Naruto was the jailer, Kyuubi the prisoner; and Kyuubi hated him for it. They annoyed each other, Kyuu put in some spiffy commentary, and that was the end of it.

"Because you're pathetic!" Kurama roared, slamming against the cage's bars. "I can't stand it! You'll get us both killed!"

"Because he likes me," Naruto said.

On the third day of school, Sasuke noticed a problem.

"That teacher gave you lower marks because he saw you hanging out with Naruto," he said after they had gathered in their secret place, a spot by a river that ran through the forest.

Naruto had failed every exercise, missing the targets completely when they tried to practice with wooden kunai and shuriken even though Sasuke had seen him nail the eye of the Fourth Hokage's monument with a pebble shooter.

"It's not fair," Sakura complained. "Just because the teacher is a bigot doesn't mean they get to fail him!"

"To be fair, he did most of the failing on his own," Sasuke noted, raising an eyebrow when Naruto started fiddling with a couple of rocks. "But he didn't quite deserve the grade they gave him anyway."

"There's a simple solution to this," Naruto sighed, tossing the rocks aside. "We'll have to act like we hate each other."

"What?" Sakura squeaked out in horror, falling back on the ground from her kneeling position.

"Sasuke'll hate me, I'll hate Sasuke, Sakura will hate me, she'll be lovey-dovey on Sasuke-" Sakura wrinkled her nose and went 'ew'- "I'll have a pretend crush on Sakura so she'll hate me more. Easy peasy."

"But doesn't that mean we can't spend time together?" Sakura asked, looking as if she were about to

break into tears.

"Inside school," Sasuke said quickly. "Outside of it, we'll just have to be careful."

"But it's not fair," Sakura insisted, large green eyes filling with tears.

Naruto awkwardly placed a hand on her shoulder. "Well, when you're a shinobi, nothing is far ever," he said, making her start to sniffle. He sent a help me look at Sasuke.

"This is the best way for us to get on the same team so we can achieve our goals," Sasuke said. "Make Naruto head of his clan in the legal sense, get justice for mine, and make us all strong shinobi."

The minute the word 'revenge' had left little Sasuke's mouth, Naruto had slapped him so hard everything had flashed white and there'd been a ringing in his ears. He'd had to sit through a two-hour lecture on why every character in fiction and every real life shinobi who pursued revenge ended up betraying, abandoning, or offing their friends, and then getting themselves killed. Naruto had even had diagrams.

A quick perusal of Itachi's history book from the academy had also enlightened them to the fact that Uzumaki wasn't just a random name the orphanage would give him. Clan names weren't thrown around lightly, and as the only survivor they knew of, in their minds Naruto deserved clan head privilege. It would give him the freedom and ability to search for other Uzumaki survivors.

"Okay," Sakura sniffled, tears drying up. Naruto breathed a sigh of relief. He loved the girl, but he hated it when people cried. "But we get to have sleepovers every week." Sakura's parents were some of the few who didn't hold any prejudice against Naruto at all. He spent a lot of time at her house, and her mother doted on him, filling him up with unholy amounts of food.

"Off to the rest of our lives, then!" Naruto crowed, standing up and marching toward the village. He tripped on a pebble, sending him crashing to the ground as a dirt cloud exploded over him.

Sakura and Sasuke watched with dry looks before getting up and walking past him. "Thanks for the help, guys," he said into the ground.

"Team 7 is Uzumaki Naruto," Iruka said, "Haruno Sakura, and Uchiha Sasuke."

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah!" Sakura screamed, leaping onto her desk. "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Ino scowled at her desk, and Sasuke smirked. Naruto snickered, hiding a grin as Iruka tried to calm Sakura down. All according to plan, he thought smugly.

"I can't believe your stupid plan actually worked," Kurama groaned, letting his forehead slam into the bars of his cage.

My plans always work, Naruto mentally stuck his tongue out at his tenant, making himself perform a ridiculous cheer. Finally, after four agonizingly long years, he would be free of the academy brats.

With any luck, their jounin would be too stuck on their stereotypical personalities when he or she tested them to realize just how in sync with each other they were.

If Kakashi had actually shown up to the Third Hokage's meeting on time and been watching through his crystal ball, he might have caught smirk Naruto and Sasuke shared, and he might have caught the sly grin Sakura threw Naruto when she wasn't slapping him upside the head. He might have caught the way Naruto occasionally zoned out, trading barbs and comments with his 'tenant'.

But alas, he was lost on the road of life.

Chapter 2: Team Seven

"This is so boring," Sakura groaned, flopping forward onto her desk. She was itching to get out of the red dress-like attire she'd been wearing as part of what they called their "Academy Personas". She could more around well enough, but she hated anything resembling a dress, and she wanted something that looked and felt less impractical.

Sasuke ignored her and Naruto didn't hear her. He was by the window with his nose stuck in a book- which book, she didn't know, as he had a black book cover on the binding.

"Naruto," she sing-songed, leaning over him. "Can you prank our sensei?"

At the word 'prank', he looked up, a gleam entering his eyes. "Level?" he asked. "Two to Three-ish," Sakura said, and Sasuke winced.

Naruto leapt over the desk with a grin that reminded them of a crocodile. He took a scroll from somewhere within the baggy orange jacket he was wearing (and would hopefully get rid of, now that they'd graduated) and went over to Iruka's desk, grabbing something off the board and muttering under his breath.

Sasuke and Sakura watched him in silence, still as statues but following him with their eyes as he pulled a stool over to the door to stand on. He placed a board eraser on the doorjamb, retreating to his seat with a grin on his face.

Sakura eyed the eraser. It looked like any of the others in the room, but knowing Naruto, he'd done something sinister to it. Sitting down, she waited for their teacher with a gleeful expression.

After several more long minutes, the door swung open, a smiling (she assumed so, at least, because he wore a mask but his eyes were upside down U-shapes) face appearing in the gap. "Hello, y-" the jounin started, only to be interrupted by the eraser clanking onto his head. A white dust cloud exploded.

Dead silence. Team Seven stared at him, unimpressed. Is he that incompetent? Sasuke thought incredulously. ...is he stupid? Sakura sweatdropped.

He let that happen, Naruto deduced.

Like a jounin would get hit by an eraser stuck in a doorjamb and it not be on purpose,Kurama snorted.

"Jounin these days," the ghost by the window muttered. Naruto ignored him.

"Let's all go up to the roof and get started, neh?" the man was saying. Naruto had zoned out. He disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving the genin in the dust (literally and figuratively!).

Sasuke, their unspoken leader (Sakura had been sure it would have been Naruto, but it seemed Sasuke had an obsessive drive with making sure they took opportunities before they slipped past and Naruto was quite lazy), led the way upstairs. They each sat on either side of him on the roof, taking up their default positions: Sasuke, in Brooding Pose #1, Sakura, in what she called "Feminine Post #14", and Naruto, turning his book over in his hands...over and over and over and over. Sakura had never asked him about this.

"He looks weak," the ghost hovering over Naruto's shoulder said. Naruto ignored him. "So, why don't you all introduce yourselves?" the jounin said cheerfully.

"Like how, sensei?" Sakura questioned, asking an airheaded question on purpose. As expected, the man thought she was serious.

"Oh, you know, your likes, dreams, hobbies..."

"Why don't you give us an example, sensei?" Sakura wondered how many times she could get away with calling him sensei in one conversation.

"I'm Hatake Kakashi," the man eye-smiled again. Sakura frowned down at her fist, wondering why she felt the sudden urge to punch the smile off his face. "My likes and dislikes, I don't feel like telling you that. My dreams for the future? I've never really thought about it. As for hobbies, I have lots of them. Now you."

"My name is Uchiha Sasuke," Sasuke interrupted, just as Sakura opened her mouth. "I don't like much. I dislike very much. My aspirations are my own goals. My hobby is training."

Naruto bit his lip to restrain a laugh, keeping his face stoic. "My name is Uzumaki Naruto," he said. "I don't dislike much and like a good training session. My dreams...? Well-known. Don't have many hobbies."

"I'm Haruno Sakura," Sakura said sweetly, catching on to what they were doing. "I like and dislike many of the same things my teammates do. My dream, oh, it's not interesting. I'm sure no one wants to hear about my hobbies."

Kakashi stared at them with a blank expression. "Well then," he said, voice flat. "I'm glad that we've introduced ourselves."

"That threw him for a loop," the ghost lounging beside Naruto cackled. Naruto ignored him.

"Meet me at training ground seven at seven a.m. sharp tomorrow. And make sure you don't eat anything," Kakashi continued. "You'll only puke it up."

"Yes sir, sensei! By the way, sensei, will you be as late as you were today? That gave us a very bad impression of you, sensei, to be honest," Sakura chirped. His eyebrow started twitching.

"Just be there." And he disappeared in a puff of smoke, missing out on the smirks they wore.

"That took you a long time," Sasuke stated, eyeing Naruto as he shuffled in the door from several hours spent at training ground seven. His book hung from one hand, the other grasping the strap of a duffel bag.

The ghost following Naruto smirked. "That jounin's going to be surprised tomorrow." Naruto ignored him.

"I set up a lot of level threes and twos," he explained. "A few level fours. A level five."

Sasuke restrained a shudder. He'd only ever seen one level-five prank of Naruto's in action (the highest level of prank he had), and it had been traumatizing just to watch. He hoped this Hatake was actually competent- he may die otherwise.

Sadly, he wasn't exaggerating. When one had a demon living inside one's head, one learned the tricks of the trickster trade that quickly delved into the deadly.

Naruto bent over to take his sandals off, placing them in a cubby hole by the door. He shoved the bag in after it, ignoring the ominous ticking noise it made with each shove. He padded across the tatami mats of Sasuke's floor towards the kitchen, sniffing the air. "Is Sakura making ramen?"

"With steak and carrots added in," Sasuke said from his position on the couch. He was flipping through a book on clan laws.

Stars replacing his eyes, Naruto gravitated towards the kitchen, sliding into a bar stool. The ghost following him around watched Sakura move about the kitchen with interest.

The 'ghost thing' as his teammates called it had started a few months after he'd met them. One day he'd been walking by a cemetery when he saw a little old lady standing over a grave. He'd gone over and spoken to her, mostly about how horrible her grandson's eating habits were, and then she had disappeared into the ground.

It wasn't so much that he started seeing people who hadn't been there before as he was just finally noticing them. There weren't too many of them, but when they found out he could see them, a lot of them started seeking him out. It got boring being dead.

The same old lady usually came around every Sunday to water his plants for him. One time his neighbor, a middle-aged woman by the name of Haruna, had spotted the hovering watering can from her window and screamed loud enough to wake the dead. (Pun intended!)

She'd moved out ranting about the demon child and his voodoo three hours later. He didn't have any neighbors anymore.

Mostly because he lived at Sasuke's, but he wouldn't have had any neighbors in his old apartment anyway.

Ninety-nine percent of the time they were friendly and just wanted him to take a message or help them with something. Sure, there were some who had died gruesome deaths or lived gruesome lives and were rather gruesome themselves, but he avoided them in general.

And then there was Izuna, the man with freaky eyes who looked like an older version of Sasuke and seemed rather mad about something half the time.

Kurama didn't like him.

"Kurama doesn't like you," Naruto said, staring at the back of Izuna's head. The ghost snorted. "He wouldn't," he muttered.

Sakura ignored them.

"Have you found your brother yet?"

"No," Izuna complained, sinking halfway into the floor with sudden depression marks over his head. A moment later he came back up roaring with anger. "That moron! I can't believe he messed this up!" Then he was slumping again, murmuring under his breath. "It's all Tobirama's fault, that bastard."

"Okay," Naruto said, turning to the ramen Sakura plunked in front of him. "Sasuke! Dinner's ready!" "In a minute," Sasuke mumbled from the other room.

Sakura's fist slammed down on the counter, rattling the whole thing. "Not 'in a minute', now!" she screamed.

Wincing, Sasuke slunk in to the chair beside Naruto, and Sakura nodded with a smile. "See?" she said sweetly. "When dinner is ready, everyone eats at the table." Naruto decided to not point out they were sitting at Sasuke's breakfast bar instead of the table behind them. He'd had a total remodel done, not wanting to be reminded of his family- the kitchen was just to the right of the entryway, where the cubby holes were, and was a cozy little thing, with a breakfast table set partially inside a half-octagon of windows and with a long booth instead of chairs- completely un-Sasuke-like in Naruto's opinion. Then again, Sakura had been the interior decorator.

Maybe that was why the booth's cushions were decorated with a print fabric with hundreds of tiny

tomatoes. Or maybe that was Sasuke.

The dining hall, with a large rectangular table that stretched for days and could host a feast, was through the door at the end of the kitchen. It was connected to a second, larger entryway, so that, in Sakura's words, "guests wouldn't have to walk through the kitchen to eat".

They never had guests. Naruto didn't see the need.

After dinner, he wandered back to the first entry, into the living room, and into the hall containing all the bedrooms. He would need to find his maps of training ground seven (he had maps of all of Konoha, how else would he organize his pranks?) to brief his friends.

It would be terrible if they got caught in his level-five.

After eating a hearty breakfast, Team Seven jogged to the training ground at seven minutes before seven in the morning. They liked the number seven.

Sakura had stayed over discussing battle plans in what Naruto had dubbed the "War Room". It was one of the bedrooms, void of any bedroom furniture in lieu of a round table in the middle and maps strewn all over the walls. They kept their supplies of kunai and shuriken in neat bins at the back, along with all the family heirlooms Sasuke had inherited, that is, the ones he hadn't thrown out. He'd kept the cream of the crop, aka his deceased family members' best swords.

The most he did for the other clan buildings was keep them clean. At the very least, they could house a few hundred people if the need ever arose. (Naruto had a thick binder full of plans to search for Uzumaki, but he wasn't optimistic enough that he thought they would find even a hundred.)

The fence around the Uchiha clan property had been "pathetic", as Naruto put it. Sasuke had set to twitching before Naruto explained there wasn't even any sealing protecting it. And then he had watched Naruto throw a fish onto the fence he'd just electrified. They'd had salmon that night.

"He'll probably be here around ten," Naruto said cheerfully. He set to whittling a few wooden sticks into replicas of kunai.

Sasuke frowned down at his watch. "Maybe this is a tactic of his to try and make us nervous," he suggested. "Lull us into a state of boredom so deep even when the test starts we'll have trouble focusing."

"I wouldn't give him so much credit," Naruto grinned. "Test?" Sakura asked, eyebrows creased in confusion.

"Test," Sasuke confirmed, lifting his eyes to the sky. "A man like that wouldn't take a genin team without testing them himself."

"He's gone through a lot of trauma in life," Naruto said. "He was in Anbu, probably seen a lot of blood, but more than that he's probably lost everyone close to him." They both turned to stare at him. He'd read every book in the library on human behavior, including those in the restricted section usually reserved for Anbu training. There wasn't really any place in Konoha Naruto couldn't sneak in to. Or if there was, his ghosts could just go inside for him. It also helped to have a demon inside one's head that could read even the most secretive shinobi. "I haven't looked up his bingo book entry. I thought that would be cheating."

"Cheating," Sasuke repeated dully.

"Well, the other genin teams don't have access to their sensei's bingo book entries."

Sasuke rubbed his forehead and turned away from him. "Genin don't tend to have access to bingo

books at all," he said sourly. "You need to stop worrying about being fair." Naruto rolled his eyes. "I like him," Izuna snickered. Naruto ignored him.

Sakura pulled a board game out of her backpack. It was dark green, blending in with the scenery around them, like the rest of her attire. She'd traded out for a pair of shorts, a high-necked tank top with her family's circle on the front, and a short-waisted jacket. There was fabric wrapped around her knees. She and Sasuke had learned many years ago how bad a skid could hurt their knees after attempting to get in a prank war with Naruto.

Sasuke hadn't changed much, simply adding more pouches to hold weapons. Naruto had meandered out of his room in the orange jumpsuit before Sakura shoved him back inside and slammed the door, refusing to let him out until he lost it. Therefore, he sat next to Sasuke in a pair of pants with an innumerable amount of pockets (she honestly didn't want to know what he had hidden away in them) tucked into thick boots, a tank with even more pockets (they were intimidating, dammit, what did he have in there? Why did he need so many pockets?) and a zip-up orange hoodie. She had twitched at the orange, but had given up. There was no separating Naruto and orange.

When Kakashi arrived, Naruto was doing a seated dance with his fisted hands waving in the air. Sakura had her face in her hands, and Sasuke's teeth were gritted, the cards in his hand crumpled. "Dammit, Naruto," he hissed. "You stole the hotel from me."

"Business is business, Sasuke-kun," Naruto replied, still doing his jig. Kakashi watched them from the top of the bridge with a sweatdrop, eyeing the Monopoly board.

"You set up a suicide zone!"

"Business is-"

"If you say business is business so help me I will end you!"

"Oh hey!" Naruto's face lit up. "Dog-sensei is here!"

"Dog?" Kakashi questioned, eyes curving upward.

"Because you're a dog," Naruto explained, leaping up. He kicked the Monopoly board into the river, causing Sakura to yell. "They wanted to play."

"Who wanted to play?" Kakashi asked, dropping down in front of them.

Naruto turned a sinister grin upon him. He almost shivered. "The people who live in the river," he said. "They drowned here five years ago."

"He talks to ghosts," Sasuke explained wryly.

"Ghosts...?" Kakashi stared at them incredulously. They're probably trying to put me off. If they think

that's going to scare me, they really are immature genin.

Naruto eyed the girl their age with purple marks on her face behind their sensei and waved. She grinned widely at him, waving back, and Kakashi turned to look before giving Naruto a dubious look. "Well, we should get started," he said, waving them toward a few stumps.

He proceeded to explain the rules, and as soon as he mentioned only two of them would pass, the three traded a look, a simultaneous thought passing through their heads.

A teamwork test.

As soon as he said 'go', they scattered in different directions.

Well, all but Naruto. Except the real Naruto had been hiding in the woods for the past two hours, and the Naruto confronting Kakashi was nothing but a kage bunshin.

As soon as Sasuke and Sakura came upon his hidey-hole, Naruto opened up a scroll he'd been hiding in his hoodie. An explosion back from what he called the 'Stump Area' made them both cringe. His clone's laughter was cut off abruptly.

"Guess he isn't so incompetent after all," Sasuke said.

"That was only a level two," Naruto smiled.

"I can't wait until he finds the level five," Izuna grinned. Naruto ignored him. Sasuke cringed again.

"Here's your part of the plan," Naruto said, handing the scroll to Sakura. She looked it over and nodded with a giggle, leaping into the branches and disappearing.

Naruto and Sasuke turned to stare at each other. "Okay," Naruto said, holding out his hand to see who would take the next part. Sasuke did the same. "Rock- paper- scissors- go!"

Kakashi wasn't having a good day.

He had been prepared to have underestimated them a little. They had appeared to at least know each

other better than their interactions at the academy had ever suggested. But this, this was ridiculous.

Everywhere he turned, a sealing array lit up on the ground (or on trees or rocks or blades of grass?) and set another prank loose on him. He had known Naruto was a prankster- he'd chased him down on a few occasions- but these weren't just pranks; they were traps. He wondered who he'd gotten to make the sealing arrays for him, or even how he'd found the time between the previous day and that morning. There were literally thousands of them. And thousands of clones to match.

It was difficult for even a jounin to handle. Hell, he thought even the Hokage might have at least mild difficulty picking his way through here without getting a scratch or two. The only real solution was to nuke the whole area with a fire jutsu and set them all off at once.

Except he couldn't do that, because his students were hiding in the trees.

And knowing Naruto, he'd probably made them fireproof or something equally annoying. It was a trap shinobi's heaven and any other shinobi's trap hell.

Sighing, he dodged a skewering attempt from a spear that came barreling out of a tree. His whole right side was covered in bright blue paint, and his right leg was on fire. Something had dumped itching powder onto it, and halfway through his scalp had started to burn.

Was it his shampoo? He'd been using it for a week and nothing had gone wrong-

The eraser incident popped into his head. Kakashi frowned, before a hot feeling caught his attention.

He reached up to his hair, jumping and drawing his hair back. Fire?! His hair was on fire.

With a yell, he lunged for the pond, submerging himself before the fire could spread. He sunk into the water, taking a breather- there didn't seem to be any traps down there.

Speak of the devil, something caught his attention as it floated by. Narrowing his eyes, Kakashi turned to examine it, visible eye slowly widening.

A blue tennis ball?

It drifted around, showing the other side. As it did, he finally spotted about three hundred more in the

pond around him, camouflaged with paint. They all had exploding tags tied on.

He wasn't having a good day.

The ground shook beneath Sakura's feet as she ran back towards Kakashi, and she paused with a sweatdrop. Just how many exploding tags had Naruto used in the pond?

Far above her head, she saw Kakashi sail through the air, landing somewhere in the trees to her left. Restraining a snicker, she sprinted for his location, bursting out of the brush just as he pulled himself to his feet.

He looked up at her with a surprised expression. "Don't tell me you're a bomb," he said, on guard.

"Not this time," Sakura said ominously. His eye briefly widened- he'd only been joking, but he guessed it wasn't beyond Naruto to make a shadow clone, have it transform into her, and tape explosive tags onto its back.

She jumped forward, adjusting her gloves before rearing back for a punch. He dodged easily, as expected, but she hadn't been aiming for him anyway.

Her fist slammed into a tree, a simple storage seal lighting up upon impact. Kakashi gaped, raising his arms to block anything that came out of it, and a puff of smoke left-

A bright red book in her hand. "I-is that-?" Kakashi stammered.

"The ultra-rare special edition of the first volume of Icha Icha," Sakura explained seriously. "Only ten copies were ever printed, and it included an extra two mega chapters and an extra short story unique to the printing."

His eyes had gone wide, arms slack, and she flipped it open with a sharp grin. She hated these books, loathed them even- but she knew an opportunity when she saw it.

She settled on the last page. "Want to know the ending, sensei?" she asked, voice coated with so much sugar Konohamaru's teeth would rot and fall out.

"No!" Kakashi yelled, hands flying up to cover his ears. "No spoilers!"

"Oh, Akami, I have to confess to you-" Sakura began.

"Nooooo!" he shrieked, closing his eyes. I can read her lips! Dammit!

Feet slammed into him out of nowhere, sending him flying. Sasuke had come flying out of the trees on a vine, Tarzan-style, propelled by a trap Naruto had set.

Kakashi flew straight into a gap in the trees where a pentagram-looking symbol was carved four times into two trees. They started to glow an ominous red, and Sakura sealed the book into the scroll Naruto had given her before leaping onto a similar pentagram that appeared in thin air. It catapulted her into the air into another, and another, before sending her flying at Kakashi, who was suspended in midair.

What the hell are those?! he thought in a panic. Those aren't seals!

They weren't. The Kyuubi cackled. The pentagrams let his chakra flow into Sakura's fist, made compatible by Naruto himself- he may have been young, but it was easy once he and the Kyuubi had reached a unity.

Sakura's fist slammed into Kakashi's cheek as he tried to shunshin away, sending him flying for a mile. Quite literally.

Naruto was waiting when Kakashi crashed through a tree and skidded through the dirt.

He was beaten, and singed, but they'd only gotten one hit- one excruciating, painful hit- but one hit on him. Dragging himself to his feet, Kakashi surveyed the blond with a twitching eye. Irritation rolled off him in waves.

"Hello, dog-sensei," Naruto said mildly.

He examined Kakashi's burnt clothes, slightly burnt hair, the paint coating his side, and the way the ghost behind him had her hands covering her mouth to restrain her giggling.

"He doesn't look so good," the river ghost beside him guffawed. Naruto ignored him. But then he smiled, nodding a bit. "You're right," he agreed.

Kakashi eyed him. "I admit, I wasn't expecting this," he said. "I thought you three would attack on your own."

"We've been a team a lot longer than a few days, sensei," Naruto replied, backing up a few steps. He started to circle around the clearing, not having any particular goal in mind but enjoying the way it put Kakashi on guard.

"Have you?" Kakashi asked, keeping his distance.

"We stacked the team formations," Naruto replied, making the man blink in surprise. "Sasuke, the perfect but brooding last Uchiha. So cold and unattainable that no one approached him or could get close enough to realize we live in the same house. Sakura, the airheaded civilian girl with a naïve crush on him who could never manage to hit the target center with a shuriken, appearing so mediocre in anything but book smarts that no one ever noticed the bandages on her fingers from making them raw every night practicing with blades. And me, the village buffoon everyone hated who yelled in class and failed every exam so utterly well even you wrote me off as an idiot before you knew me."

Kakashi jerked back in surprise, something like guilt entering his eyes. "Teams are formed for balance. This way, they were forced to put us together. Only the two geniuses could balance out the piece of crap dead last," Naruto smiled wryly.

"So you three are friends," Kakashi muttered. "Well, if nothing else, you have a career in acting if the ninja thing doesn't work out."

"Oh, it will work out," Naruto said. He held up two bells, making Kakashi startle. The man reached for his belt, eyes lowering to check, only to find the bells still there.

When he looked up, Naruto's foot was barreling towards his nose. He grabbed it by the sole, swinging the boy around and tossing him into the air.

Naruto exploded.

Exploding kage bunshin, who knew a simple genin would know how to make one?

There were twenty-five ghosts in the woods with them (not counting the river ghosts and Izuna), giving Team Seven an advantage Kakashi wouldn't realize they had until several years later.

"He's heading this way," Izuna said, laying on the ground as they strategized with one arm over his eyes. "The exploding clones slowed him down a little."

"Thought they would," Naruto said in amusement.

Kakashi blazed into the stump area with wild eyes, heaving breaths leaving his body. "Thousands of

traps," he said, pointing at Naruto's forehead. "Tennis balls, exploding kage bunshin?" he demanded.

"I stole the Forbidden Scroll under duress from a teacher," Naruto smiled calmly. "Didn't you hear?" He'd already known the kage bunshin from Kurama, along with beginner and intermediate sealing techniques- the beast had spent a lifetime in Mito and half a life in Kushina, he'd been bound to pick up some things.

Twitching, Kakashi returned his book to his pouch. It was half burnt up, a side effect of him trying to look cool. He gave it a forlorn glance.

"I have to compliment your skills, though," Naruto said, popping a grape tomato into his mouth. They were each seated on a stump, lunch boxes open on their laps. "We still haven't gotten the bells, even though we've been trying the whole time."

"The bells are moot at this point," Kakashi muttered, glaring at him. "You know what the test is, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"Yes."

"Hmm-mhm."

"You three," Kakashi sighed, running both hands through his hair. "What are you?" Naruto, at least, was chuunin-level. He'd briefly fought Sasuke, and his taijutsu was competent.

Sakura started to list off the components of the human body. He held up his hand, silencing her.

Naruto was staring behind him. "Your ghost says you look like something the cat drug in," he said, mimicking Kakashi's eye-smile.

"Naruto," Kakashi said flatly. "You can stop with the ghost thing now."

Naruto gave a thumbs-up to Rin, who returned it. Kakashi rubbed his forehead.

"You three pass," he said tiredly.

"That's good," Sakura said, poking the bells in her palm. "I was worried you would try and enforce the two-rule or something."

They turned to gape at her. "Where did you get those?" Naruto cried.

"Where did you get those?" Kakashi exclaimed simultaneously, grabbing the bells missing from his belt. She smiled at them, all sugar. "I've got my secrets too."

"Here you go, doggy," Naruto said, cheer coating his tone as he held the Icha Icha edition out to Kakashi. He took it gingerly in his hands, eyes starting to water.

"You guys are my favorite team I've ever had," he sniffled. They gave him a flat look, fully well knowing he had failed all his other teams.

"Well, we'll see you tomorrow bright and early for training, sensei!" Sakura chirped, skipping toward the bridge. Sasuke and Naruto flanked her, waving at their sensei as he waved with one hand, eyes still on the book.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Sasuke gave Naruto a questioning look. "Naruto." "Hm?"

"What was your level five?"

Naruto's head came up with a grin. "Oh," he said, voice low. "That was."

They stared at him in confusion, turning to look at Kakashi.

Kakashi hurriedly flipped to the extra chapters, eyes going wide and a giggle escaping his mouth. He settled into a walk back towards the village, glued to the pages.

He'd gotten no further than the first page when the book started to warm up. Confused, he flipped it over, paling when he saw the pentagram on the back.

The jounin had all gathered in the Hokage's office, giving their reports about their teams. Several had failed, but Kurenai and Asuma had given a positive report.

"Well, that just leaves Kakash-" Sarutobi began.

The window burst open. They all leapt back away from it, startled, as a shape raced through and collided with the wall. Weapons slid into hand and bodies braced, but the sight that greeted them was anything but an attack.

Kakashi slid down to the floor, neck twitching, facing towards them. His hair was smoking, clothes burnt and covered in blue paint, arm bent at an awkward angle. A strange box attached to his chest flipped open, a sign popping out like a doll did out of a Jack-in-the-box.

We passed! was written in bright orange paint. "Passed" was marked out, with "won" written over it. "The river ghost wanted to play," Kakashi slurred.

A/N: Before you complain about the team being OP or taking out Kakashi too easily, consider:

1. Naruto literally spent the whole day before setting up thousands of traps and spammed Kakashi with

clones. Including exploding clones. How he did this will be explained. 2. They used the spoiler trick against him. xD

3. Naruto used a form of jutsu/sealing/magic/what have you the Kyuubi taught him that Kakashi had never encountered before, and this is purposely made mysterious to the reader on what it is. Sakura also used some of the Kyuubi's chakra (through Naruto, of course) to land a hit on Kakashi.

4. They didn't actually get the bells until the end, so Kakashi didn't just run at the traps and fall down defeated. :P Sasuke and Naruto engaged him in taijutsu, but these scenes weren't necessary to include. Kakashi was skilled enough to hang onto them for the whole test, even dodging exploding Narutos and infamous pranks.

5. Kakashi severely underestimated them. Like, seriously, so many times in shonen anime a villain is defeated because they underestimated someone.

6. Naruto literally had nearly 30 people around telling him where Kakashi was and what he was doing. (The ghosts.) I'm going to enjoy having ghosts around. xD

Chapter 3: Getting Acquainted

"When's he going to wake up? It wasn't that bad."

"You blew him up and catapulted him into the Hokage Tower."

"He's a jounin. I figured he'd be able to handle it."

"This is Sharingan Kakashi, Sakura. Of course he was able to handle it."

"Well, yeah, but still. Hardly a good way to hit things off with your sensei."

"He should learn to never trust anything Naruto gives him after he's been pranking."

Kakashi groaned, wishing he could block his students' voices out. After a moment, he realized this must have been because they were in his hospital room, and he ripped himself from sleep with a jolt.

"Look!" Naruto grinned, standing at his bedside with a weird device in his hand. "He's awake!"

Kakashi jerked, making pain ripple up his arm as he sat up. "Careful, sensei," Sakura said, laying a hand on his shoulder. "Your arm is broken."

Kakashi glanced down at the cast on his arm with a flat expression. "I wonder whose fault that is," he said dryly, eyeing Naruto.

Naruto's grin widened. He waved the device back and forth as he gestured with his hand. "You really should've seen it coming, dog-sensei." A glint entered his eye.

Izuna snickered as he hovered behind Kakashi. "The best thing is all the other jounin were in the office when he passed out," he guffawed. He'd heard it through the 'ghost grapevine', as Naruto called it.

"All the other jounin were in the office when you passed out?" Naruto parroted.

Kakashi groaned, letting himself fall back against the hospital pillow. "What day is it?" he asked, reaching up and rubbing his brow.

"You blew up yesterday," Sasuke said helpfully.

"Thank you, Sasuke. That answers my question."

"It's Friday."

"Good. You can still take D-ranks, then," Kakashi said with an evil gleam. "Already did," Naruto replied.

"What?"

"We took all the D-ranks while you were passed out," Sasuke said, eyes closed and hands in his pockets. "They're all out."

"...what?" Kakashi repeated. "There were eighty-three in the queue!"

"Shadow clones," Naruto said, waving his hands with a 'the more you know' tone. "We also painted your apartment- the grey was really depressing- and bought you a new mattress!"

"You were in my house?" "Technically, it's an apartment."

"A very dirty apartment," said Sakura, disapproval in her voice as she crossed her arms and cast him an angry expression. "You can't let your living quarters get that messy, sensei! What if you need to find something? Lose a mission scroll? Have company?"

I'm getting lectured by a twelve-year-old girl, Kakashi thought as a sweatdrop ran down his head. "Yeah, and your mattress was horrible," Naruto complained. "I tried taking a nap on it to test it out and it

was so broken down."

"You tried taking a nap on it because you're lazy," Sasuke said flatly.

Naruto laughed, pointing the device at him as it beeped. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"Where did you get the money for that?" Kakashi frowned.

"Sasuke's rich," Naruto said, reaching over and stroking Sasuke's bangs with the device. Kakashi finally noticed it, and leaned away from it.

"What is that?"

"This? It detects levels of alcohol in the body for the past five weeks. We wanted to know if you were an

alcoholic," Naruto said cheerfully.

A second sweatdrop. "Why would you want to know that?"

Sasuke crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes. "Our sensei isn't allowed to have an addiction," he said firmly. "It takes away from training."

Kakashi stared at them with an incredulous expression, wondering if they were serious.

"Oh yeah," Naruto exclaimed, reaching into the inside pocket of his jacket. He pulled out a copy of the book he'd given Kakashi. "Here you go, sensei! I didn't think it'd be fair to have the first one blow up after you got excited about it."

"Those books are disgusting," Sakura muttered.

Kakashi eyed it with an air of suspicion. "Will this one explode?" he asked.

"I promise it won't," Naruto grinned.

Kakashi took it from him, examining it from every angle. "Thanks, I suppose," he said after a moment.

"When do we start training?" Sasuke asked.

"Or get a C-rank?!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Don't move so fast, you two," Sakura chastised, "sensei's still in the hospital!"

"Oh, I'm fine. The arm won't be a problem," Kakashi eye-smiled. Although if these three attack me together, it may present a problem...

"I know you're not a genjutsu specialist like Kurenai-sensei is, but we'd like help in that area anyway," said Sasuke, taking something out of his pocket. He let the scroll fall open. It was as long as the distance from his head to hips. "Of course you'll control training but Sakura needs help with taijutsu," he pointed to a place on the diagram, "technique is her weak spot, but she has a good amount of staying power and force to use. She knocked Naruto through my door." At this, he glared at her, and she sent him a sheepish smile. "Naruto needs to learn more higher-leveled ninjutsu to help him control his chakra- and more chakra exercises more advanced than just tree walking and water walking- and help utilizing his clones in training." He leaned closer, making Kakashi lean back with slightly widened eyes and a slow sweatdrop rolling down his head. "If you're worried about a genin having enough chakra for those jutsu,

don't be, we all know how much he has because of certain conditions. I've gained three and two tomoe in each eye but I obviously don't have anyone to help with that, so I need you to train me on Sharingan use as well. We also need your signature so Sakura and I can enroll in medical training at the hospital. It will be extremely beneficial to our control."

Sweating, Kakashi raised a finger to point at the diagram of chakra on the scroll. "Er, how long have you been planning this?"

Sasuke gave him a look. It wasn't just a normal look- it was Uchiha Expression #34, aka "You're being stupid on purpose, aren't you?"

"We've been training for years, but there's only so much you can do with the restricted section of the library, orange juice, and a millennia-old entity in your head," Naruto smiled, making Kakashi jump. They knew? "But this is just Sasuke's hobby. Don't worry about it."

Sasuke turned to glare at him. "Hobby? If you're not strong, how do you expect to take leadership of the Uzumaki clan remains so you can leave Konoha?" Kakashi stared at them with a goggle-eyed expression.

"Hold on," Kakashi interrupted, feeling like his brain was stalling. He turned and gave Naruto a look. "They know?"

Naruto snorted. "About the Kyuubi? Of course they know!" he laughed, waving the device again. "Don't you know how the law works, dog-sensei? The people of Konoha can't talk about it, but I can," he finished smugly. "Don't worry. They're cool with it."

"I think there are much more concerning things about Naruto than the fact he has a fox making fun of people in his head," Sasuke snorted, closing the scroll with a click. "Anyway-"

Still trying to get over the fact they had taken it so lightly, Kakashi interrupted again. "What did you mean by 'Uzumaki clan'?" he asked with squinted eyes.

Naruto wheeled around to beam at him. "My mom, of course! She was the last Uzumaki in Konoha. I'm going to petition the Council for clan headship, since I'm the last known clan member now." At Kakashi's blank expression, he went on. "You know," Uchiha Expression #34 reared its ugly head, "Kushina? Previous Kyuubi host after Mito? Long red hair? Red Hot Habanero? Wife of your sensei- guys, he passed out."

"How do you know?" Sarutobi gave Naruto a serious expression.

"Aw, someone's in trooooouble," Izuna sang, hovering behind the old man with a grin. "Why would the Kyuubi not tell me? We're besties," Naruto twinkled.

"Besties," Kakashi repeated flatly. He sat in the chair beside him, arm in a sling.

"...okay, so I might have just sat outside his cage and sang the Arney tune for two hours until he told me who my parents were. But I was eight, and I had very poor judgment." Kakashi shuddered at the mention of Arney, the popular green kids' dinosaur that had a television program and three manga series that were disturbingly popular with toddlers. Anko thought Arney needed to be burned to death. "I don't see the problem. I'm not going to go around screaming, 'The Fourth Hokage was my dad! Come assassinate me in my sleep or torture me to death!' I've only told Kakashi, Sasuke, and Sakura- you could argue I shouldn't have told Sakura, but she's like, the most trustworthy person ever and Sasuke is in more danger, politically, than I am, because he's a public heir and 'Last' something. Technically one secret won't hurt."

Sarutobi frowned. The situation wasn't ideal, but he couldn't argue with the boy's logic. He was only concerned about the Haruno girl- young shinobi from civilian backgrounds were statistically more likely

to give way under torture. However, something more pressing was bothering him. "Naruto, what exactly is your relationship with the Kyuubi?"

Naruto's eyebrows rose. "We're sort of like that guy that has the Eight-Tails," he said, making their frowns deepen. It seemed he was just going to keep mentioning things that confused them as to how he knew about them. "I've been talking to him since I was four and got stabbed in an alley-"

"What?" They both exclaimed.

"Oh, don't worry. It was just the one time. Anyway, he brought me in, shouted at me, and I stared at him for an hour before he screamed at me to go away, except I kept coming back until two years later when he finally decided to talk to me." At this, he beamed, and Kurama grumbled. "We just talked about random things like how annoying the villagers were until I told him I was adopting him as my friend, which made him mad, but I was very stubborn. Somebody punched me in the face so he agreed to show me what human techniques he knew because I was a 'weak, pathetic, embarrassing, pitiful, degrading moron who couldn't take a punch' and it 'hurt his eyes to watch me' and 'the sight of my bruised face made him want to wretch up his innards and swallow himself whole'. He said some other things too but I don't think it would be appropriate to repeat them in the Hokage's office. And here we are, BFFs for life."

I would kill you if I could, Kurama complained. He made this threat every other week.

"You're sure it can't escape?" Kakashi asked, eyebrows drawn together.

Naruto snorted. "Pssh. Of course not! Kami, it's like you all literally have no faith in my father's seal. You do know it's, like, a hundred times better than the other Jinchurikis' seals, right? Have you seen the One Tails' kid? And Kurama prefers 'he'."

Sarutobi gave him an annoyed expression. "I don't appreciate you keeping so much from me," he said, taking a puff of his pipe.

Naruto grew slightly apologetic. "I figured you had enough stress with the council and Danzo and being Hokage and Danzo and keeping the peace and Danzo and the ghost in your office and Danzo."

Sarutobi stared at him. "We hate Danzo," Naruto explained, beaming. "He's a sicko." "How do you- never mind." The old man reached up to rub his forehead.

"Sir," Kakashi began hesitantly, "is he serious about this ghost issue? I thought he was just trying to throw me off."

The Hokage looked back and forth between them. Kakashi looked sheepish, and Naruto's grin never wavered. "He's been telling me there's a ghost in my office since he was seven and a half," Hiruzen said tiredly.

Kakashi's eyebrows creased further. He glanced at the blond beside him before leaning forward and talking behind his hand. "You're not...concerned?" he whispered.

"I can hear you," said Naruto. His trolling grin turned to the tall, silver-haired man who constantly hung around Hiruzen and made disapproving faces at the rest of the Council.

"They're going to throw you in the nuthouse," Izuna cackled. Naruto ignored him. The silver-haired man gave him a disapproving look. He did that to a lot of people.

The two adults sweatdropped and glanced at him. "It hasn't affected his work ethic yet, so..." Sarutobi trailed off. "I'm still not sure whether or not he's pranking me."

Kakashi's crease grew even deeper, incredibly. "...after this long?"

"He once took two and a half years to plan an elaborate ruse that involved pranking me in my home,

making me think my grandson had run away from home, and making me believe Ebisu had eloped with a couple of civilian cultists," Sarutobi confessed, ashamed. Kakashi stared at him. The ghosts smirked.

"So," Naruto said, smiling as he leaned over to butt in. "Can we go get ramen?"

"Nobody ever has time to get ramen with me anymore," Naruto sighed, hands stuffed in his pockets as he ambled down the street. He'd gotten a twenty-minute lecture anyway, even though he thought his logic had been pretty solid.

"What am I, rotten tuna?" Izuna asked, insulted.

Naruto glared at him. "Don't you mock me about the tuna."

He yanked his book out of his pouch. "Whatever," he muttered.

You should watch where you're going, Kurama grumbled, both front paws folded over his eyes as he lazed around in Naruto's mind. Wait, never mind. If you keep going you'll upturn that moron's cart. Just jut your foot a little to dislodge the wheel stand...

Go back to sleep, Kyuu, Naruto replied in irritation.

"Aw, is our favorite little landlord having trouble with his tenant?" Izuna snickered. "Shut up, Izuna," Naruto complained.

"Witch boy," a woman hissed as she passed him. Coincidentally, she was the same woman who used to be his neighbor before running away from his "voodoo" flying watering cans. Naruto liked to find her on the street and pass by to mess with her.

Well, she's not wrong, Kurama grinned. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Hey, is that Naruto?" A voice he recognized called out. "Hey! Naruto! Over here!"

Starting to sweat, Naruto began walking faster. Don't talk to me don't talk to me don't talk to me, he thought desperately. All he wanted to do was go home and curl up in bed with his book...if Sasuke didn't make him train more.

"Hey! Naruto! Come back here!" Ino shrieked. He heard her sandals pound the ground as she started to sprint after him.

Nononononononononono- "Ack!" Naruto cried out when Ino tackled him, arms ensnaring his legs and sending them both to the ground. Dust exploded in the road, making the civilians around them give them a wide berth and several disapproving looks.

Naruto groaned. "Why," he mumbled into the ground.

"Why were you running away from me?!" Ino screamed, bashing him over the head like Sakura had used to pretend to do. Naruto winced, rolling over so he could sit up and rub his head.

Ino rocked back and got to her feet, crossing her arms and glaring down at him. Naruto stared blandly up at her, wearing a sour face. "What do you want, Ino?"

"Someone fell off the wrong side of the bed today," Shikamaru said, yawning as he ambled up behind Ino. Choji was beside him, stuffing his face from the bag of chips in his hand.

"And what's with the makeover?" Ino asked, tilting her head with a frown. Naruto looked down at himself, not understanding. He thought himself rather plain- exactly how he liked to look- in grey pants, an orange tank, and a grey jacket. Although, his goal of always looking ordinary was slightly thrown off by his love for orange. "What, are you trying to look cool now?"

"Naruto, you haven't said anything for thirteen seconds," Izuna pointed out.

"Naruto!" Ino shrieked again, bashing him over the head again.

"Ow!" Naruto whined, rubbing his injured skull. "What was that for?"

"Don't just zone out when I'm talking to you! Shikamaru does that to me enough already!"

"Really?" Naruto turned his gaze to the Nara and squinted. "I guess he does look sort of lazy," he said, after a moment's pause. Half the time he'd only sent shadow clones to the academy in his stead, and their memories were washed away in the deluge that usually followed the hundreds of clones popping at once during his training. One time he'd sent himself into a comatose-like state that lasted for seven hours. He felt a bit embarrassed to admit that he only knew very little about his classmates. Cursory information, of course, a bit of their general personalities, but not much about them as people.

He just didn't see a point if they weren't Sakura or Sasuke. How often would he really see them? "Eleven seconds," Izuna yawned.

"Na-ru-to," Ino growled, steam rising off her head.

Abort, abort, abort, abort, Naruto's mind screamed.

"Um," he said intelligently, looking around for an excuse to run away. What am I supposed to do here? he thought frantically. The "Socializing With Your Peers, For Dummies" books he'd rented from the library hadn't told him how to handle the situation.

He opened his mouth, but said nothing. Choji was just staring at him in confusion, Shikamaru looked half-asleep, and Ino was steadily growing more and more full of suppressed fury.

Oh, Kami, was this going to turn out like the time Iruka had been out sick and Mizuki had made him stand in front of the whole class and explain why he'd been late three days in a row while Sasuke and Sakura watched on helplessly and he floundered for six-point-three minutes and the Kyuubi laughed at him and the ghosts in the room sent him pitying looks?

"There a problem here?" Sasuke drawled from behind him. Naruto didn't know when he'd walked up, but Ino's disposition changed instantly. She straightened, clasping her hands behind her back, as hearts appeared in her eyes. Naruto wrinkled his nose in confusion.

"Sasuke-kun!" She exclaimed. "I didn't know you were around. I figured you'd be training with your sensei," she smiled.

"Naruto put him in the hospital," Sasuke said, grabbing Naruto's collar and yanking him off the ground, not gently but not unnecessarily rough. He set him on his feet and gave his jacket a few smacks, shaking the dust out.

"Naruto did?" Ino asked, frowning. "Did you get a really weak one?" she whined. "You deserve the best for your training!"

"He blew him up and catapulted him into the Hokage Tower," Sasuke told her, oblivious to her crush on him. He thought the Academy graduates were, on the whole, very annoying, but never saw any reason to keep up the charade after graduation. In his mind, he was one step closer to completing The Plan. Separate from The Plot, which was very secretive even within their three-(wo)man group. Both were very important. And very secretive.

Ino's mouth popped open. Choji stopped eating. Shikamaru opened his eyes.

"What?" she parroted.

Sasuke observed the bruise (very light, a dull shade of lavender, already healing) on Naruto's forehead

with a frown. "Why did you hit him?" he asked, at times just as socially oblivious as Naruto himself. Well, not quite. No one was as oblivious as Naruto.

"What?"

"Why, did, you, hit, him?" Sasuke asked with narrowed eyes, leaning towards her. He thought perhaps she had a comprehension problem, or maybe an issue with her hearing, and unbeknownst to him he could come off as quite threatening without meaning to. Then again, he almost always meant to be at least slightly intimidating, as it made dealing with his age group much easier. No one could tell if Sasuke meant to frighten Ino or not.

"I, uh..." Ino laughed. "He's an idiot, Sasuke, you know that. He just kept zoning out. Sakura must have a time of it getting him to pay attention! He's just as slow as he was before graduating, isn't he?"

Sasuke was silent for several moments, wondering why she thought he would be, before Sakura's voice echoed in his head. We kept up that act for so long people will be surprised we aren't actually like that. Just be patient with people, okay?

Sasuke didn't like being patient. Ever. He could, but he didn't like it. "Ino," he said, jabbing a finger into her shoulder hard enough to make her stumble back half a step. Inside his head, he laughed as he disobeyed Sakura's warning. It felt similar to the time he'd taken a cookie from his mother's batch when she'd told him not to and hadn't been caught.

This time, he did try to be threatening, plastering on Uchiha Expression #22, aka "If you don't shut up and do exactly as I say, I will rip your liver out through your mouth", last seen on Uchiha Itachi's face as he rampaged through town to find an older Academy student who'd been bullying his little brother. Of course, no one had been able to tell it just by looking- Itachi was a master, which meant his face had been completely blank but the threatening aura was still there.

"If you ever lay a finger on my teammates outside of a village-sanctioned sparring match, I will make your life a living hell," he threatened, watching her go pale. Choji dropped his chip bag. Shikamaru watched them with slightly widened eyes. "You will wish you were dead, but you won't be, because I know exactly how much blood I can remove from your body without killing you."

"I like him," said Izuna, a satisfied expression on his face. "He reminds me of Mada-"

"Shut up, Izuna," Naruto said, and Team Ten stared, wondering why he'd said that, finding no answer and only becoming more uncomfortable from his interjection.

"Shut up, Naruto," said Sasuke, turning and walking away when he thought they were sufficiently threatened. He dragged Naruto along by the shoulder. They left Team Ten standing in the street, disrupting the flow of traffic, staring after them like their whole perception of the world had just been torn to shreds like a rooster destroying the grass trying to imitate a dog shredding a piece of cheap nylon fabric.

Asuma would later go to Kakashi and ask him, "What is wrong with your kids?" Kakashi would only stare at him, slowly shaking his head as if to say, "Why are you asking me?"

Chapter 4: Sale Day

"Naruto," said Sasuke, "get out of bed."

"No," said Naruto.

"If you don't, he'll dump a bucket of snapping turtles on you again," said Izuna. Naruto ignored him.

"If you don't, I'll dump a bucket of snapping turtles on you again," said Sasuke. Naruto lifted his head to stare at them, frowning. The ghostly apparition of Uchiha Izuna floated beside his distant-descendant- whatever-Sasuke-was-to-him, mimicking his crossed arms, frowny, Uchiha-patented stance. It was startling how much they looked alike. Izuna was like an older version of Sasuke, but with a slightly more bird-like nose, and Itachi's facial lines, but fainter and smaller.

A ghost floated by in the hall. A lot of Uchiha ghosts hung around, but they were usually stuck in their own world, ignoring everything around them. Naruto stared for a moment more before burrowing back beneath the covers.

"Naruto," said Sasuke, in a dangerous tone.

"No," Naruto repeated. He was tired, and he wasn't about to get up for anything less than the apocalypse.

"We're meeting Kakashi in thirty minutes." "You know he'll be late," Naruto whined.

"If you do not get out of this bed," Sasuke threatened, "I will carry you to the bridge and you will have to explain to sensei why you're in your froggy pajamas."

"I'm proud of my pajamas," Naruto gloated. "Bring it."

Four minutes later, Sasuke dumped him off his shoulder onto the ground, and Naruto started to regret his decision.

"What're you two doing," Sakura said flatly. It was less of a question and more of a tired statement. She had stayed up late going over genjutsu scrolls from the library. A plastic cup with a coffee shop logo was clenched tightly in her left hand.

"Naruto refused to get out of bed," Sasuke explained. Sakura rubbed her forehead. "Seriously? Naruto, go change."

"No," Sasuke argued, grabbing Naruto's collar when he tried to crawl away from him. "He has to learn there are consequences to his decisions."

"I already know there are consequences to my decisions," Naruto pouted. "Like that time I went dumpster diving when it was too dark to see and cracked my head on the side of a dumpster."

"What?" Sasuke and Sakura parroted each other, heads swiveling to look at him.

"That was hilarious," said Toka. She was a Senju, and sometimes hung around Izuna, and although they came from opposing clans, they seemed to have a strange kinship with each other. Most of the time they just argued, but sometimes she followed Naruto and Izuna around and helped Naruto with his genjutsu. Naruto defined their relationship as a classic tsundere bromance.

"I was ten," Naruto frowned.

"It was still hilarious," she said in amusement. She sat cross-legged on the railing of the bridge, arms crossed. Evidently she had been quite serious in life (as Izuna kindly pointed out with his "What happened to your stick, hn?"s and "Uptight cow"s.), but decades of death had loosened her sense of humor. Naruto wondered why only certain people became ghosts.

"Hello, you three," said Kakashi, appearing in a puff of smoke directly beside Toka. She gave him an amused look. The sling was gone. "Naruto, what are you wearing?"

"Why are you early?" Naruto replied, eyebrows creased in confusion. "I'm not early," Kakashi argued.

"You're supposed to get here three hours from now."

"What?" Kakashi frowned, checking his watch.

Sasuke smirked. "I told you we were meeting at seven," he said. "But I planned to come at ten."

Still wearing the frown, Kakashi sent him a glare. "That won't work next time," he assured. "And again, Naruto, what are you wearing?"

"Why," Naruto smiled, pressing a seal on the underside of his wrist. His normal clothes appeared on him with a puff of smoke, making Sasuke's jaw clench. The only sign of his pajamas was the white T-shirt visible under his jacket that sported a large frog face. His pajama shorts were comfortable enough to wear under his pants. "What're you talking about, doggy?"

Kakashi stared. Naruto stared back. Toka poked at Kakashi's jaw, and her finger went straight through. He shuddered before jumping down. "Today's evaluation day," he explained. "I'll be evaluating your skills individually," he said, stressing the 'individually'.

"Can we use bombs?" Naruto asked hopefully. "No," Kakashi replied, voice flat.

"Can I use seals?"

"No."

"Can I prank you."

"No."

Sakura gulped down the rest of her coffee.

"It's taijutsu day," Kakashi said pointedly. "Nothing else."

"You'd best watch your back left side," Toka told Naruto. "You always leave it open." "I know, Toka, I know," Naruto said serenely. Kakashi gave him a concerned look.

"Naruto," Kakashi said, disturbed, "I know you live with Sasuke, but some of your techniques even he wouldn't know. This is an Uchiha style mixed with...brawling. Where did you learn this?"

"I told you," Naruto replied, irritation tinging his voice, "Izuna."

"Uchiha Izuna," Kakashi said. His voice was flat and disbelieving. "Uchiha Madara's younger brother." He was nursing a bruised eye where Naruto had kicked him. Naruto knew his own bumps and bruises were only minor because the man had gone easy on him.

"I told you I see ghosts."

"Right." Kakashi squinted. "Well then, who's the ghost hanging around me?" he questioned, crossing his arms.

"Says her name is Rin," Naruto mimicked his teacher's eye-smile, watching his face go pale. "She was a Jinchuriki like me for a little bit. She has these purple marks on her face, reminds me of Sakura. She says you shouldn't feel guilty about something? Because watching you sulk annoys her. Wait, I wasn't supposed to tell you that part-"

"Is there-" Kakashi interrupted, voice wavering, "is there a boy with her?"

"Hm, no. Just her." Rin gave Kakashi a sympathetic look. "Don't worry about it, though. If he's not here that just means he passed on peacefully."

"Naruto," Kakashi paused. He had his book in hand, but it was forgotten, his grip tightening on it as if for support. "I need you to be honest with me. Is this a prank, or not?"

"Of course not," Naruto replied, insulted. "Gosh, sensei, I love pranking but I wouldn't mess with someone about their precious people like that. That'd be like someone telling me Mom's ghost was hanging around." Disappointment flashed across his face. "Never found her," he muttered at the ground.

"Oh, it's all right," Rin whispered. "You'll meet her someday, Naruto."

All at once, Kakashi felt guilt and pity assault him, almost worse than what he felt on a daily basis about his old teammates. He stared at Naruto staring at the ground, swallowing before opening his mouth. "Would you like me to tell you about her?"

"Really?" Naruto grinned, practically bouncing up and down until he had ahold of Kakashi's arms so he could shake them. "Cool!"

"All right. Well, first thing you should know, there's a reason she was called the Red Hot Habanero..."

Sakura didn't like getting up at four in the morning to beat the rush on Sale Day. She loved Sale Day, but everyone else? They were annoying.

It took mere minutes to hop across the village to her favorite weapons' shop. She stood there for a half hour until an old man flipped the sign to 'open', gesturing her inside with a smile. The owner, Asakura, always told her she reminded him of his daughter.

Having beaten the rush by at least half an hour, Sakura slithered in between the aisles and racks of weapons, eyes holding a gleam.

Kunai, shuriken, swords, spears even. Asakura's store had it all. It was probably the reason he had such a well-known reputation.

She stood for ten minutes admiring a rack full of kama before remembering she had a line to beat. She'd saved up for six months for Sale Day, and she wasn't about to lollygag until she had to stand in line.

Unable to resist, even though they had a good supply at the Uchiha estate, she picked up a pack of new kunai and a sharpening block and went about deciding on a katana. Kakashi had promised to teach them all more than they could learn from the Uchiha's scrolls.

"I'd go for one of these, if I were you," a girl with her hair in buns sidled up behind her, pointing to a rack. "They're made by Oniwari. He's the best blacksmith in town."

"I'll have to remember that," Sakura said, a smile on her face and a glint in her eye. "My sensei promised to teach my teammates and I. I've had some beginner's practice because my teammate's family

heirlooms include many teachings on it, but nothing can compare to live instruction." "True that." The girl nodded appreciatively. "You just out of the academy?"

"Yep. I think it's been a month now."

The girl whistled. "Wow. I'm glad to see a kunoichi with such drive." She sighed heavily. "It's like all the graduates care about right now are boys, makeup, and their hair. And really, I'm not complaining about being in such a time of peace they can worry about those things, but it really makes it hard to earn respect. We're kunoichi, not civilians."

"So true," Sakura sighed, running her hand along one of the swords' handles. "I actually kept up a façade like that during the academy so I could stack the team formations with my current teammates, but I think I was the only one who wasn't serious about it. I lost my best friend over a boy," she pouted.

"Damn. I'm Tenten, by the way." The girl stuck her hand out. Sakura mimicked her, feeling a grin tug at her lips.

"Haruno Sakura. Are you Asakura's daughter? He always talks about you." Tenten's cheeks tinted. "Yeah, that's me. Anything else you're looking for, Sakura?"

"Hmm. I could use some trench blades, actually, like the kind the Hokage's son uses. I'm ninety-nine percent sure my friend's a wind type, and I think it would benefit him to learn how to use those."

They chatted as Tenten showed her around to some of the more lesser-known weaponry, a satisfied grin overtaking her face as she saw the gleam in Sakura's eyes grow.

"You know, my friend's into fuinjutsu. He's pretty good, but he's self-taught, so a training partner would be really helpful. Would you mind helping him out once in a while?" Sakura asked, piling her items onto the front counter as the first of the rush came in through the door.

"Absolutely," Tenten replied, ringing up her ticket. "My dad's the one who taught me, but he's pretty busy with the store nowadays and my sensei isn't the best at it."

"Who's your sensei?"

"Might Gai."

"Oooh." Sakura beamed. "My sensei's Hatake Kakashi. I've heard they're something like-"

"Eternal Rivals?" Tenten snickered.

"Yes. Hey, we should totally have a team spar sometime."

"I like how you think," Tenten smirked, slipping her katana into its sheath. "Although I'm sure my team would win."

Sakura mirrored her expression. "You're on, buns," she taunted, slinging the sword's strap over her shoulder. She grabbed the bag Tenten handed to her, waving as she headed for the door.

Team Seven woke up at six in the morning (much to Naruto's chagrin; Sasuke had to drag him out of bed, and then go to Sakura's house, leave a half-asleep Naruto outside, slip in through her window, and drag her out of bed) to get D-ranks. They'd made it their mission to complete so many that they'd be forced to take a C-rank.

Kakashi was none the wiser until Kurenai approached him complaining there were no missions in the queue for her team to take.

"Okay, team," he sweatdropped, standing in front of them as they watched him in an eerie way on a Friday morning. "It turns out you've been taking too many D-ranks."

"What." Sasuke replied.

"Well, there aren't any for the other teams to take."

"Maybe they should get up early to train and take them instead of expecting it to be handed to them whenever they want," Sasuke sneered. His work ethic had surprised Kakashi the most; his driven sense of anti-entitlement had sent the jounin for a loop. He'd figured Sasuke would be the spoilt one, but as it turned out, he'd become so averse to spoilt genin by watching Naruto for years. Kakashi had spent a coffee break with Iruka asking him about it, and he figured that seeing your best friend constantly spat upon and shirked at every turn, every opportunity snatched from him, without being able to do anything about it would make one bitter about ninja who were handed everything on a silver platter.

Mizuki had evidently been one of the worst. Perhaps that was why, when Sasuke "just so happened" to come upon him, Iruka, and Naruto in the forest, Mizuki had come out of it babbling and foaming at the mouth.

That whole situation still confused him. He knew Mizuki had failed Naruto on purpose- although his grades certainly were in the toilet anyway- and it had nearly thrown off their perfect 'stack the team' formations, but it was almost like they were the ones who set Mizuki up.

"Well," Kakashi continued, holding up a mission scroll. "I got us a C-rank anyway. I figured you guys were ready."

They'd only been training for a few weeks, but they were all at least chuunin-level when they started. He'd given Sakura a set of weights to wear, hoping Gai never found out. A vision of Sakura, decked out in a green jumpsuit, shouting about youth assaulted him, and he cringed. Oh, yes, he was doing everything he could to keep his students free from Team Gai's influence. Sasuke would take one look at him and go off asking for help with their taijutsu. Probably with a bribe.

They ignored his random wincing. "All right, team," he said cheerily. "Let's go."

They took off for the Hokage Tower, and Naruto waved at Haruna, who glared at him and muttered about voodoo children.

The mission room was empty, surprisingly- but Asuma was there, and he grinned like a shark when Kakashi told him they were waiting on a client for an out-of-village mission. "Damn," he said, shaking his head. "My team will finally have some chores to do."

"Ino needs it," Sasuke told him. "I think she has a focus problem." Sakura facepalmed, and Asuma gave him a strange look.

Naruto's nose was in his book. He tended to ignore everything around him at any given moment, unless it required his immediate attention. He looked up when someone tapped him on the shoulder.

Iruka grinned down at him. For the most part, he'd been unaware of the full extent of the falseness of their charade, but he'd always known Naruto better than his mask. "Excited for your first C-rank, Naruto?"

Naruto lit up like a Christmas tree. "Iruka-sensei!" he gushed, book disappearing as he latched onto the man like a leech. "Yep! I've never been out of village before! Well, officially..."

Iruka eyed him. "Do I want to know?"

"Probably not? I mean, there's like a sixty percent chance you'll give me a lecture."

Iruka rubbed a hand over his eyes. Naruto was still hanging onto his arm, and was lifted off his feet, but

Iruka was used to the habit; it hardly took any effort anymore, considering how little Naruto weighed. From the time he was six, Naruto liked to hang off his arms or shoulders like a flag without any wind. Or, treat his limbs like monkey bars. Really, it had annoyed him slightly at first to have to hold his arm out whenever he walked anywhere, but it was endearing.

"Can we go get ramen when I get back, Iruka-sensei?" "Of course, Naruto."

"Iruka-sensei?" Iruka looked down at Sasuke, who looked awkward and even a tad nervous. "Can you please rent a book for me while I'm in Wave? It's been on hold for three weeks, and I'd like to get it tomorrow before it gets rented out again."

"Of course, Sasuke. What's the name of it?"

In truth, Iruka had been Sasuke's favorite teacher- although he certainly wasn't as emotionally attached as Naruto- because he was the only one who treated Sasuke like any other student.

Asuma turned, sweatdropping when he found Kakashi under a cloud of depression. "Uh..." he trailed off, coughing. "Kakashi?"

Kakashi sniffled. "My cute little students don't like me as well," he muttered to the floor.

"Your client's here," Sarutobi said dully.

They each straightened, although Naruto was still in midair.

"Are you kidding me? These are the brats that are going to guard me?" the bridge-builder shrilled. "The blond one's a shrimp!"

Instantly, he found himself staring into a pair of red eyes. "What did you say?" Sasuke hissed. "N-now, Sasuke, don't get violent with the man," Naruto laughed, pulling his friend back by the sleeve.

Sasuke didn't like anyone insulting his team. "He doesn't know better."

"I know two shrimps and a little girl can't protect me," Tazuna blundered on. "Cha! What'd you call me?" Sakura screamed, lunging.

Naruto grabbed both of his teammates around the waist, struggling to hold them back from assaulting their poor client. Izuna guffawed, and the silver-haired man gave him yet another disapproving look. Although, he was giving Tazuna disapproving looks too. Naruto wondered if there was any Konoha shinobi from the man's time who had not received a disapproving look. His own family probably hadn't been spared.

"Come on, guys," Rin said, to no effect, since they couldn't hear or see her. "This isn't a good way to start the mission."

Toka rose up through the floor, frowning. "Naruto," she said, "are you sure it is wise to leave the village right now?" she said, referring to the fact that he was in the middle of trying to achieve full Jinchuriki transformation.

"What's it to you, hag?" Izuna sniped, a smirk crawling onto his face when she whirled around. "Close your mouth, ignorant reprobate!" she snapped.

"Ooh! She used the ~big words~!" Izuna gasped, slapping both palms onto his face as he pretended to gape.

She clenched her fist and scowled. "If I could, I would-"

"Incinerate me? That would be fun."

"Shut up!" she howled, lunging. Naruto blinked when her hands actually connected, wrapping around Izuna's throat as he laughed. Ghosts, as far as Naruto knew, couldn't sustain damage- but he'd thought they couldn't actually touch each other, either. He'd seen plenty fly through one another. Evidently he'd been wrong.

They proceeded to brawl in the middle of the missions room floor. There was ectoplasm. Naruto wrinkled his nose when Kakashi stepped through Izuna's legs.

"Man," he sighed, "you two fight like an old married couple."

The two stopped short. Sasuke and Sakura stopped short as well, thinking he'd been talking about them. Four sets of eyes, only two visible to the world in general, swiveled to him.

"Are you kidding me?" Sakura yelled, voice rising as she ranted. Naruto cringed. "I would never marry Sasuke! Gross!"

"Hey!" Sasuke yelped, insulted.

"Don't compare us to a couple! I'd never marry that hag, even if I were alive to exchange the vows!" Izuna shouted.

"Living with you would be a nightmare," Toka taunted. "I bet you couldn't even perform." She grinned like a shark.

A fire lit in Izuna's eyes as they got in each other's faces again. Naruto rubbed his forehead. "You're the one who'd have a problem. You were such an ice queen in life I bet you never even-"

"There are children present!" Rin squeaked.

"Oh yeah? Pot, meet kettle. Anyone who'd get it on with you would just be doing it out of pity, Uchiha," Toka drawled.

While this had been going down, Kakashi had managed to talk Tazuna into accepting his team. "We're ready to go, you three," he eye-smiled.

"Be careful, okay?" Iruka said, worry coloring his tone as he ruffled Naruto's hair.

"Don't worry," Naruto beamed. He waved at the Hokage, who waved back, unaware of the slightly goggle-eyed silver-haired man behind him who'd watched Izuna and Toka's showdown in silence.

"This isn't over, Senju," Izuna hissed as he followed Naruto out the door. He pointed at his own eyes, then pointed jerkiliy at Toka as she stood with crossed arms and a scowl.

"Anytime, Uchiha," she hissed back, giving him a much less polite gesture.

The door swung shut. She turned, tensing when she finally caught sight of the Hokage. "T-Tobirama- sama!" she stammered. "I apologize for you having to witness that."

Blinking, Tobirama slowly opened his mouth, looking for suitable words for the first time he'd seen his clanswoman since her death. "...you've changed much, Toka-san."

Frowning down at his parchment, Hiruzen tried to shake the feeling of someone hovering over his shoulder.