A/N: Trigger warnings apply for self-harm, abuse, sexual assault, domestic violence, and self-hatred.

I do not own any part of Once Upon A Time because if I did, SwanQueen would have been canon from the pilot episode.


Regina Pov.

I wake up in a cold sweat. Another nightmare, a memory. I cant seem to escape them. Even when the curse wasnt broken and i had already taken the memory potion to forget the enchanted forest. I still had dreams and flashbacks that caused panic attacks. I can feel my hands shaking. This one was bad. It was one of the earliest memories i have of Leo. The first night we were married. I can still feel his hands on my skin and it makes me physically ill. I bolt out of bed and run to the bathroom, barely making it before the contents of my stomach spill into the toilet. I throw up until im left dry heaving. I stand and flush the toilet, grab my toothbrush and scrub my teeth until i no longer taste the stomach acid. I need to shower, need to feel something other than his hands on my thighs. Stripping naked and stepping into the shower before i even turn it on, I let the ice cold water hit my body hoping it will make me numb. It doesnt work. I scrub at my skin until every bit is red and raw and painful. But i still feel his touch. I feel his breath on my neck and his sharp nails biting into the flesh of my inner thighs as he forces my legs apart. I feel the ghost of pain rip through my core as he forces his way inside me. By now im sitting on the floor of the bathtub crying with the shower still running onto my back and head. I need to let myself escape this. Its been over an hour at this point and im still stuck in the past. I grab my razor from the side of the tub and smash it onto the floor. I dont usually do this unless it gets bad. But its been getting bad a lot recently and all my usual tools are in my bedroom. I grab one of the shiny metal blades and run it slowly across my right inner thigh a few times before i switch to the outer part of the same leg. The inner thigh was just to replace the feeling of his fingers. I dig the blade deep into my outer thigh until the blood pours slowly out of the cuts, following the water down the drain. I can feel the focus setting in now, and i take a deep breath. This is what i needed. I needed to feel something else. I place the blade down on the edge of the tub and examine the damage i did. My inner thigh is pretty mild. Only a handful of cuts that are shallow enough that they might not even scar. My outer thigh is a different story. Nearly a dozen deep cuts that the edges don't exactly touch each other. The blood keeps coming out of them dying the water pink as it washes away the evidence of my crime against myself. I get up and grab my dark towel and press it against my thigh to stem the bleeding. I cant leave a mess for anyone to find. Though this wouldnt be the first time i missed something. I remember, Emma stomping into my kitchen one night after family dinner. She looked a mix between sad and angry and hurt. She had a bloody blade in some toilet paper in her hand and she looked at me expecting an answer. I couldnt give her one. But she spoke anyway. "Regina, what is this? Did you do something to yourself?" I stared back at her frozen with wide eyes. I didnt speak for a minute and then responded "Oh that? I was shaving and the razor broke. I cut my leg accidentally. I must have missed a piece. Im sorry Emma. I didnt mean to leave it where someone could have gotten hurt." She shook her head like she didn't believe me. "Regina stop. I know when you're lying to me. I always know with you. Let me see where you hurt yourself. I know what people do with these things. I just need to know you are ok. And then we can discuss it."

I shake myself out of the memory. She was so hurt by my actions that day that i didnt do it again for a few months after that. I was afraid shed notice. But her being around me made things easier. She came over almost every night back then for dinner with me and Henry and then once Henry went to bed we would sit and talk and have a drink. Then the pirate came into the picture, and she only came over on Sundays for family night with the whole Charming crew. Hook didnt like her being gone so late in the evening when she wasn't working. So at first shed text me to see how i was doing. Asked how my day went for a few months. Until that stopped too. I was alone with my memories again. Henry spent most of his time over at Emmas with her and the pirate or staying with friends that i only saw him briefly on days he stayed with me. Usually for a quick dinner before immediately running to his room to play video games with his friends. Or before going to Golds shop to help with the store. I was almost as lonely as i was before i cast the curse. I lived for Sunday evenings because it would just be me, Emma, Henry, Snow, David, and baby Neal. The pirate hated me, so he never came. Not that i cared anyway. I was just glad to see Emma every week. The Charmings always left right after dinner to put Neal to bed. And Henry would go to his room. Emma would sit and talk with me and laugh and enjoy each other's company until her phone would go off because the pirate texted her to get back home. But when she would leave shed take all the warmth and comfort with her. I was left on the sofa cold and miserable again. It only took a month or so after she stopped talking to me everyday until i fell apart again. Id had a particularly hard day and the only way i could stop feeling was to cut myself again. That was 6 months ago. Ive done it a few times a week since then. Sometimes more depending on how bad the panic attacks get. It sucks knowing i cant just call her or text her like i used to be able to. She would help talk the panic away. But this is on me. I just wish i werent so alone all the time.

I pull the medkit from under the sink and set to bandaging my thigh. The wider cuts i put steri strips on to keep them closed, and then covered them with gauze and tape. The shallow ones on my inner thigh i just put a bandaid on. Once i was done i grabbed my robe and put it on. I picked up my dirty clothes and went back to my room. Throwing my clothes in the hamper, i grab another pajama set and put it on. I hang my robe on the door of my bedroom door and crawl back into bed. I usually sleep better after i cut. So i close my eyes and try to relax.


A/N: Let me know if i should continue to upload this. Ive got another chapter finished maybe 2. This is a bit of therapy for me. Please be kind.