No Wonder It's Missing

Author's Note: I'm gonna be honest when I say I did this because I just needed something to deal with the horror of what it means to be Hunter, aka being a clone, a sergeant, the former oldest sibling, the acting oldest, the most responsible, and a dad all at once when he's only nine years old. :)

Warning: Depression, suicidal thoughts

~ Rivana Rita


Omega's crestfallen look and Wrecker's warning glare are nearly enough to make him stop talking before he even starts.

This happened before on Raxus. The only difference is that what Omega did then wasn't nearly as dangerous, and this was Tech.

He could have died.

And Hunter couldn't live with that. He doesn't – he can't live with one of his brothers dying. He already failed them once. He can't do it again.

"I told you to stay here," he says evenly.

The frustrated hurt on Omega's face guts him, but he's their leader and he can't – can't let them do things like this.

"You know what you should work on? Explaining when you went soft."

Shut up. It doesn't matter what Crosshair thought. He abandoned you.

Wrecker's already riled up enough that Hunter's fairly certain it'll start a full-blown argument if he mentions it again. Which he has to. He's seen what Tech is doing, and he can't let him get himself killed.

Crosshair's loss destroyed them all in its own way.

Echo is darker, angrier, and that's showing up more and more.

Wrecker is empty, and he tries to hide it, but it's too visible to Hunter, who's known him his entire life. He's dark and so... much less playful.

Tech is sharper and much less playful himself, and he's – he's reckless. There's really no other way to say it. It's not the way they once and always were. He was hurt, which was why Hunter left him behind with Wrecker and Omega in the first place. They were supposed to be careful. They were supposed to be safe.

And no one was hurt, which is what matters most, but they could have been.

He's seen how Tech is about injuries. Hunter has seen how he shrugs them off, if not ignoring them entirely, and it's hurting all of them. Or, it would hurt if they noticed at least, because Hunter can't say that anyone else has. They haven't mentioned it.

They can chalk it up to having limited supplies and whatnot but it doesn't change how it's hurting them. It's hurting him, and Hunter can't ignore that.

He has to talk to Tech about it, and they don't... leave each other out of things. It's just not something they do, but this isn't really a conversation he can have with the others here. It's too... emotional, too something, and Hunter doesn't think it'd go anywhere here. Might not, anyway. Not like Tech'll listen to him now any more than he has the past one million times Hunter told him something he didn't want to do.

"Can I... talk to you?" Hunter asks, turning to Tech.

"You already are," he replies with genuine confusion.

He doesn't even have the energy to have this conversation. He sort of just wants to curl up in a ball and cry, actually. The one thing Hunter's noticed about himself since Kamino happened was how it's nigh impossible to drag himself off his rack every morning. That's the one thing that never changes and he doesn't think ever will.

"That's not what I mean," Hunter replies. Omega looks at Echo, but Tech comes over to him, anyway. They're in Cid's parlor, which doesn't give much privacy, but they move to the side where everyone won't overhear.

"I left you here so you could heal," Hunter tells him tiredly.

"I am aware," Tech replies flippantly, "However, your concern is unwarranted. I was fine."

"But what if you weren't?" he presses. "Tech, you were hurt –"

"We are soldiers. Injuries are a guarantee. We are trained for this." He sounds so flippant, as if he didn't nearly die on Serenno and then – then this.

"It doesn't matter what we were trained for," Hunter argues. They're soldiers, yeah, and that's not a life he could ever forget, no matter how they need to settle down, even if they do manage it, but that's not what matters. What does, is that they're together and alright. Right now, he doesn't even know if that's something he can ask for. "You could've –" That's not something he can even say. "Do you know what it would do to us if we lost you?"

He doesn't want to think about it, but it's something he can't stop thinking about.

They lost Crosshair, and Hunter doesn't think he'll ever stop being afraid of what'll happen if – if someone else leaves him.

Echo is... thinking about leaving, he knows, to fight the Empire, but that would be his choice. It's something Hunter agrees on, though he cares far more about keeping what's left of his family together and safe. That's the only thing important to him. He doesn't care what's right or wrong. He just cares about his brothers and Omega.

(That's not always gonna matter though, it won't – he used to think it meant something to Crosshair, but it didn't. Never has.)

Tech is his brother, and he's – he's the second oldest after Hunter. That shaped everything about them.

Way back, years and years ago, Wrecker and Crosshair were the kids that Hunter would try to keep out of trouble, and Tech was chaotic, too, but it was in his own, far more mature way, and he and Hunter – they used to rely on each other. That changed, and Hunter can't really pinpoint where and when and how that changed, but it has. That feels like a lifetime ago. Was it only two years?

"I fail to see your issue," Tech says, frustrated. He's all tight and prickly, the way he's been so much after – Kamino.

When Hunter thinks about how empty he feels, it makes sense.

He is, too, but Tech's temper has always been hotter, and if he's hurt, he'll lash out easily if something provokes him.

Hunter feels that emptiness and loneliness and the deep-cut aching fear as he wonders how long it'll be before he fails the rest of his squad enough for them to leave, how long it'll be before he realizes that none of them really cared.

He just never... thought about it, because it didn't matter. Omega gave him focus, and he, like the others, have been hyper focused on her in favor of anything else. Doesn't help him, but it's never been about helping him.

This is about the very blatant fact that Tech is being beyond reckless, and he doesn't care how badly injured he is, and it's Hunter who's supposed to be protecting him from that.

He never thought about whether his brothers felt the same. They're just different, and he didn't realize any of them felt the same. He never thought Tech would feel the crushing, constant fear and grief and failure.

It wasn't his fault though – it was Hunter's, somehow, probably, though he has no idea how or where or when he – he thought Crosshair cared. He thought he mattered to him, but none of them did, so who is he supposed to trust?

He doesn't understand emotions. Never had a reason to learn or anyone to teach him, so he definitely doesn't know how to deal with this.

"It matters," he promises – he'd say it does to all of them, but he once thought the same about – but it didn't matter, and Hunter can only speak for himself. "If you're hurt, if – you're part of the squad, Tech, and I have to look out for all of you. It doesn't matter if we were trained the same. And I know how reluctant you are to treat it if you're injured." Can't you see that's hurting us? Or does that just not matter? Or do you not even know? I wouldn't know.

There's something darkly intense in his eyes. "As though you don't do the same?"

Hunter jerks back from him a little. It's true, it's fair, but it never mattered, because he's their leader, and he's the one who's supposed to be hurt for them. It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter how much it hurts him, as long as his siblings are safe. As long as they aren't the ones who are hurt.

It never matters, and it's never anything to worry about, because he's always fine and –

(And pain helps numb him a little, actually, makes him think about something other than the gaping emptiness of nothing in his heart.)

"That's not relevant here," Hunter argues. (He didn't even know anyone noticed. Didn't really know there was anything to notice, or that they'd even care. Why would they? He's supposed to take things for them. It's what he does, it's who he is, that's what it means to be their sergeant.)

"Yes, it is," Tech replies bluntly. "You didn't let me scan you after Daro, and that is not to count many more recent, less severe instances."

"That doesn't matter," Hunter snaps. "I didn't need it." Okay, that's not really true – he had ached everywhere after the fall on Daro, could hardly walk without limping, but Crosshair was there, and he wouldn't show weakness to him. After was lost in a haze, but nothing was broken, so it didn't matter.

It never has.

"Then I can say the same."

Stars.

He does not have energy for this.

He wants to scream from sheer frustration or maybe find a very dark, quiet corner somewhere and just – be.

"Yes, it does," Hunter argues, "I have to protect you, too."

"Then I can say the same," Tech says, "You are our brother."

He steps back, biting his lip. (Yes, maybe that's a little childish, but he doesn't know how to handle this, and he's nine. Natborns are smaller than Omega at this age.) "That's not how this works."

It's not. The only thing that has ever mattered to Hunter was protecting his family.

Not the galaxy, not the Republic or Empire or anyone else. Just his brothers and Omega. He knew his entire life that all he had to do was to protect them. Hunter has never had anyone to take care of him. That's not something Hunter has ever been given. He doesn't understand what it means.

(He wants to have someone to protect him, to not have to worry about everything on his own anymore, to have – for someone to touch him, to hold him, to comfort him. To know someone who made him feel protected and loved and cared for in every bit the way he tries so hard to do for the rest of his family. That's not something Hunter will ever have, though. And it doesn't matter.)

There was a long, long time ago where he and Tech... were more equal.

There was once a time that Hunter was naïve enough to think Crosshair worried about him, that he cared, that he'd try to help when Hunter was struggling. Was that only one and a half years ago? It would be – they were eight back then, before Echo – but it feels like forever.

Then Echo came and things changed, in their scramble to be accepted by the one person who wanted them. It isn't something familiar to them, but Echo made them... realize it possible. That isn't something Hunter ever... used to understand. Still doesn't know if he does.

"Yes, it is," Tech replies, every shred as stubborn as he always is. "You just don't want to accept that."

They stand there awkwardly for a few moments in silence, and Hunter feels the others watching them. He hasn't had a conversation this emotional with anyone in a long time, and he's not fully sure he... believes it. The last time anyone said they cared about him was Crosshair, and that was right before he walked away for good.

"I'm the one who makes decisions, Tech." The burden of leadership is never something he wanted, but he knew he'd have it his entire life, and he – he tried to live with and for that. "I'm responsible if something happens."

"We make our own choices," he answers evenly, "Even if we choose to follow you."

Not really what he needs to be reminded of right now.

"I know," he says, "But you're still – that doesn't –" Hunter doesn't even know what he's going for or how to explain it. He's responsible for them, and he'll take whatever comes with it, if it means protecting his squad.

It doesn't matter if it hurts him, and it never has. He doesn't know why it would.

Nothing has ever been for him, and it's not supposed to be, and nor does he want it to be, even if he loathes the gaping emptiness constantly crushing him, even if Hunter wants someone to – to protect him. That's not what this is about.

He can't fail his brothers again. He can't lose anyone else. He can't – deal with that.

"I have to protect all of you," Hunter continues numbly. "That includes you, Tech. If – if something happens, you can't get caught in the line of fire."

"That is not always something you can control, Hunter," he answers, voice a little gentler.

He's supposed to. That's what counts for protecting them. He already failed Crosshair and – Crosshair made his own choices, but Hunter should still have seen it earlier. He should have... seen it, stopped it. Crosshair was doubting them, and he turned on them, and they grew up together.

He'll never forget the rage in Crosshair's eyes as he looked at him, the unfeelingness on his face as though Hunter's fear and confusion and pain didn't matter to him, the "this is who I am" and how it gutted all of them. Crosshair had never been overly sensitive to emotions, but that?

It was like none of them had ever mattered to him, and maybe they never truly did. Maybe they really did stop mattering to him the moment they chose to do the right thing and protect each other and their kid. Maybe –

Hunter doesn't know, but he's so, so afraid of making that mistake again somehow.

It'd help, if he even understood where he went wrong.

He remembers the gut-wrenching terror of it when he was captured, how certain he was that Crosshair would kill or hurt him, and he did. Just not in the way Hunter expected. A part of him has felt a little dead since Kamino, and there's a horrifyingly dark part of his mind that viciously wonders what would've happened if he had died on Daro or – or then, because he wouldn't have to deal with feeling so empty anymore.

That wouldn't be fair to any of them, because they do need him to look out for them, but it – (Everything just hurts so much all the time, and he's tired of it hurting, of being here, of – of everything. He keeps telling himself it'll get better, but it never does, and it probably never will, and he can't –)

He couldn't control it when Crosshair left or when the Empire tore their family apart, can't – any of what he's supposed to be doing, really.

The most he can do is keep moving, keep holding together because they need him even if he can't give or be what they need him to be.

He is so, so tired.

Not having to wake up anymore doesn't sound so bad.

He knows he's being deliberately self-destructive now, but he doesn't care. (Crosshair tried to shoot him. And stab him. And told him without a shred of remorse that it was his own doing. Hunter knows it's wrong, but that was Crosshair, and nothing will ever stop the voice whispering in his mind that maybe he wasn't so wrong, and Hunter does deserve to be hurt for – for something he can't quite understand. Failing, probably.)

"I know," he answers tiredly – too tired to be angry anymore, and too afraid to, because he was angry with Crosshair and look where that went. "But we can't lose you, either."

"As our leader," Tech replies bluntly, "Your absence would be far more detrimental."

Why are they even talking about this? None of them are going to die. None – he can't let that happen. Won't. "That's not –" He cuts himself off, because Tech is – he's right. Probably. Hunter is the one who makes the reasonable choices for them. He is their reasoning, and if he's not there, he doesn't know what would happen to them.

The kids just do things because they're fun, Echo wants to fight, and Tech might be a genius, but he entirely lacks impulse control and reasoning. That's not what's needed in leading a squad. He doesn't know how to keep them safe, was never trained for it the way Hunter was.

"That's why we need to keep out of the Empire's eye," he opts for instead. "We can't get in a situation like that."

"I... am aware of your concerns," Tech responds.

"I know it's not always something we can help," Hunter continues, because he knows it's not. Serenno proved that, and he doesn't want to go through that again. He... agrees with Rex and Echo, but that doesn't mean he can deal with the dangers that come with fighting. Not anymore. Not when they have Omega to worry about, and not when – when –

Crosshair chose to fight against them, and Hunter can't deal with what would happen if they were to see him again.

He doesn't think he could see Crosshair without either breaking down entirely or just... snapping and doing something he'd regret forever.

Crosshair tried to kill every single one of them. He shot Wrecker. He – Hunter is never going to forget what he did to them.

He still loves him, and he almost hates himself for it sometimes.

Crosshair was their brother, and Hunter could never forget that, no matter what he's done to them. It doesn't... feel like he should still care so much. He shouldn't even want to feel responsible for him, but he – he does. Some things never really change.

"But it's not something we can risk again," he finishes finally. Maybe it's just a gut feeling, the knowledge that if it happens again, they'll lose someone else, but he's willing to do whatever it takes to keep what's left of his family safe.

Doesn't matter if they don't like it.

"I... will be careful," Tech supplies finally.

He doesn't trust himself to say anything steadily without his voice breaking, so he just touches Tech's shoulder and nods before moving back to the bench. He wants to cry, but chances are, no one would notice anyway – the lighting is dim, and if he's being honest, he's mastered the art of crying in perfect silence many years ago. Crosshair used to. Wrecker did. Does. Hunter can't count the number of times he's seen Wrecker cry over the past year, actually.

After Kamino, like everything else.

Echo lightly nudges him with a quiet "you alright?"

He needs to get ahold of himself, to pull together, but this is Echo, and he chose them and he's everything Tech once was. Supportive, present, if Hunter's willing to reach out to him, or vice versa.

Hunter mutely shakes his head.

That's not anything to say, and he'll never be alright again.

They gave Crosshair everything – he was everything – and he left. He took a piece of them with him, and what they lost – what he destroyed – isn't something they're ever getting back.

He's going to fail them again, undoubtedly, somehow, and – and that's not something he's ready to face, or ever will be.

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