Disclaimer:
Mrs. J.K., I can't stay away from your Harry and his world, it is too much fun to mess with it, so much fun that I do it for free.
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Nothing yet.
1 Getting fucked over by a Random Omnipotent Being is no fun at all.
I opened my eyes, and looked around me, I sat in the backseat of a car that was driving on the wrong side of the road… where is the bloody driver? Huh? That passenger in the front seat has a steering wheel in his hands! Why is that steering wheel on the right side of the car?
The memories slammed in my head, eleven years of Harry Potter got downloaded into my brain. Nine and a half years of misery, memories of sleeping in that cupboard under the stairs enraged me, they fed me alright, the table scraps and leftovers, a glass of milk and some slices of bread in the morning, to keep up appearings, a decent lunchbox for school, at dinner, just the basics, meat and gravy are for family, not for freaks.
Beatings and punishments at accidental Magic happened a lot, no broken bones though, or scars from beatings. The bitch had me cooking at age six! From then on I was their personal slave… The letters, Hagrid, Diagon Alley, all of it happened, and now I am on my way to the Hogwarts Express.
If you want to know how I ended up here, there is a story to it, you see, I am… I was a Fan Fiction writer, yes, I posted Fan Fiction on the web. The thing is, when I kicked the bucket, I arrived in a waiting room in front of an office, exactly how I pictured it how it would look like in my stories.
In my stories, the Master of Death was a gorgeous babe, yep, this one had me drooling too until she opened her mouth: "Another one I guess? Ah, yes, let's see… specialized in Fan Fiction focused on Isekai… and blaming it on ROB."
She looked at me and said: "You know, our ROB is sick and tired to be blamed for those random killings, or being named Truck Kun. Going on at the achievements of your life, you are mediocre, not earning Bliss or Hell as you wrote about it. No, you started a smear campaign against my Lord, making the most ridiculous stories up in His Name."
I was slack-jawed, I got a ROB pissed at me? It is Fan Fiction for crying out loud! Can you call that bad propaganda? I better not comment that out loud, getting him more pissed at me is not a good idea. I know, I wrote about it in my stories… I shut up now if she read my mind, then I am fucked.
The Babe gathered her papers and continued: "So, He decided to get a bit of payback, you seem to be a Potter fan, and yes, you are fucked. This is what is going to happen, I will send you into a Harry Potter Verse, if you complete the story in a given time you will be sent to another one. Failing three stories will get you a ticket downstairs, completing a number of stories successfully will get you upstairs. Every fail will reset the success count."
Finally, I got my wits back online: "That is not fair! I even don't know your objectives! Do I have to off Voldemort? Kill all the Death Eaters? Get Harry a Wife? Does it have to have the same ending as the original?"
The babe mocked me: "You are the author, make a calculated guess, you will be inserted in a random timeline in the story, make the most of it. You better entertain My Lord, or your story will get harder."
"Can I get some help? Like an AI or a Game System? Or an ability like Wandless Magic?" I cried out.
That was when I woke up in the car, with nothing at all, I am fucked.
Xxxxx
It is hard to get used to driving on the wrong side of the road, it felt all kinds of wrong, but I better focus on my course of action, I am on my way to Hogwarts! The last comment of the Mistress of Death sounded in my ears, I have to be entertaining or I will fail the story. That means I can't follow Canon, that would be boring.
I sighed and started planning, based on the hints the babe gave me. I am on my way to the train for the first time, so this will not happen again… how do I spice it up?
At the station, Vernon mocked me: "See if you can find platform 9 ¾ boy! There is no such thing! Good luck in finding it."
I shot back at him: "Uncle Vernon! One of these weeks I will give an interview to some reporters from my side and tell them how good you took care of me. I will even give your address to them. Prepare to receive their gratitude, they will be knocking on your door for sure. You can ask that bitch wife of yours what will happen. Good luck to you too, fuck face!"
Ahh, that felt good, the look of horror on his face is burned in my memory. I dragged my trunk into the station before he could react and searched for platforms 9 and 10. The entrance was not easy to find, Following weirdly dressed kids with big traveler trunks is a no-go, they take the Floo or apparate with their parents, the next best thing is bumping into pillars until I found the right one.
I am not a fan of Ron Weasley, so I want to avoid them like the plague. It is 10.30, it is too soon for them to arrive anyway. Dragging my trunk along, I remembered something and paused.
I released Hedwig and said: "You better fly to Hogwarts Hedwig, I reckon staying in a cage the whole day is no fun at all."
Hedwig hooted and flew off, the cage went into the trunk and I boarded the train. In the second to last wagon, I spotted a compartment with four girls and one boy of my age, with room for six, that will get Ron off my back.
I knocked at the door and entered when a pretty girl said to come in, I introduced myself: "Hello, my name is Harry Potter, can I sit here with you?"
The pretty spokesperson answered: "You can Mr. Potter, our names are Daphne Greengrass, Miss Tracy Davis, Miss Lisa Turpin, Miss Megan Jones, and Mr. Zachariah Smith."
Ah a pureblood cabin, I can use that to my advantage, I loaded my trunk with the help from Zack, and started my conversation.
"To be honest, I am new at all this Magic stuff, all I got is rumors and the bit I overheard in the Alley on my birthday. I even never heard of Magic before my birthday."
Lisa Turpin reacted first: "Impossible! You lived in a castle with friends and elves! You are famous!"
I chuckled sadly: "Miss Turpin, I even don't know what an elf looks like, and I never had a friend, my cousin made sure to chase them away from me. The first letter I got from the Magic World is a letter from the school. And famous? My letter was addressed to the place I slept for ten years, the cupboard under the stairs, so you knew where I slept, and approved it. I am so famous I didn't even get one letter. They even didn't give my aunt money to keep me, so I got the cast-offs from my cousin to wear, never getting something new. I tell you, my castle was pretty small, it fitted under the staircase."
Stunned silence, Greengrass was the first to snap out of it: "That is the reason you are dressed in those rags? And we wrote you several letters, but you didn't respond once!"
"Hey! That is not my fault! I just said I never got them." I protested, "And these rags are the best I got, I didn't even know I had a vault with money from my parents."
Miss. Jones commented: "This is bad, we all thought you were a snob for shunning us, not even responding with a simple postcard. Where did all that mail go too? Some even sent stuffed toys to you."
Zachariah Smith said: "This needs damage control, Potter, a lot of people were not happy about it, I was not pleased about that. You better set things right the first chance you get."
"My sister is head girl this year, they meet in the first wagon with all the prefects to discuss and divide the duties this year. When the train leaves the station, I'll take you there and you can explain it to them, they will inform the rest of the students." Offered Miss Turpin.
Hah! I have my foot in the door! Turpin is connected! I hope she doesn't slam the door shut on me. They were a friendly lot and explained the Wizarding world to me the best they could. The talk came to the sorting.
I said: "I don't know if it is the truth, but I heard from the Gamekeeper that we have to do one spell at the sorting, it is to make your wand spray sparkles, you get sorted by the color of the house… but he only talked about one house, Gryffindor or something like that. He said that I have to make red sparks."
That got them protesting, Smith fumed: "No, that is not true at all! Hufflepuff is as good as any other house! My sparks will be Yellow! I heard about that Gamekeeper, Hagrid, he can't keep a secret at all when he is drunk or bragging… Ladies, this could be the truth. If so, we can practice that spell in advance so we will be sorted in the house we want to be."
I warned him: "I am not 100% sure he spoke the truth, Mr. Smith, with that set of hair and beard it is hard to see if he is joking or not, but practicing that spell can not hurt. Does any of you know that spell?"
Miss Davis answered: "No, we were not allowed to learn spells, they said our Magic core has to settle first."
"Oh? What about all those beatings I go for accidental Magic? Did it damage my Magic core somehow? I had a lot of those."
Miss Greengrass looked thoughtful: "Perhaps they just didn't want us to practice spells at home."
I took my wand out and raised it into the air, concentrated, and willed Red Sparks to come out, I shouted "Red Sparks!"
Hah! It works! It got me red sparkles coming out of my wand! Soon the compartment was filled with shouts, blue, green, and yellow sparkles filled the compartment. Take that phony Latin! English is working fine too.
When the novelty wore off, I said: "We better inform the others of that spell, Hagrid told me that when you can cast that spell, you can go to your chosen house at once. Again, I don't know if it is true or not, but it can't hurt to try it out."
Now to repair my glasses, I took them off, concentrated, and pointed my wand at it: "Repair!" It works! They looked brand new now, the lenses are not the right prescription, but I can remove the spell-o-tape.
Finally, the train left the station, I saw a redhead searching the compartments for his best friend Harry. Meh, he is the most discussed character of Potter, is he good? Bad? A spy for Dumbledore? A loyal friend? A traitor? A slob? An idiot? One constant is his bad table manners and the lacking of a filter between his mouth and brain. The best policy is to avoid him altogether, it will save me a lot of headaches.
A half-hour later Miss Turpin gave me permission to call her Lisa, the others followed, Smith was reluctant to allow it, but peer pressure forced him to do it. Lisa took me to the first wagon and knocked on the door.
A prefect opened and asked: "Is something wrong miss?"
Lisa answered: "Hello, my name is Lisa Turpin, and I want to inform my sister of a grave situation."
My, very posh of you Lisa, the prefect let us in without doubting us for a minute.
Grace Turpin, the Head girl asked: "What is the matter, Lisa? Homesick already?"
Lisa rolled her eyes: No, Grace, This here is Harry Potter, he is traveling with us in our compartment, and when we talked he said he never received any mail from us, he told us the first letter he got was the Hogwarts letter. Also, he's been living with his muggle relatives, not in a castle at all."
Grace was surprised and asked: "What do you want us to do about it, Lisa?"
Lisa, my maiden in shiny armor answered: "I want you all to inform the students of it, remember that I complained to you about that Potter snob that won't even send a thank you note? I want people to stop thinking he is a snob. If you look at his clothes you see that he is abused at his place, that has to change too. You are prefects and Head girl and boy, it is your job to take care of us isn't it?"
Yes! Lisa to the rescue! Why do we need knights in shiny armor if the Ladies get things done faster? Yeah, knights in armor look better on a horse, I agree, but Girl power! I am a fan already and we are just on the way to Hogwarts.
The Puff Headboy said: "We will spread the word, and will call the child services or the DMLE. Miss Turpin, Mister Potter, you can go back to your compartment and leave the rest to us. Tomorrow everyone will know about your mail issues Mister Potter."
When we walked back I said: "Thank you, Lisa, you are my Hero."
The kid blushed a nice shade of red and walked a bit straighter, her head held up high, her breast… no, not much to push forwards, but it is the thought that counts. At our compartment, we got visitors, four firsties got the sparkling spell taught to them. Sworn to secrecy, they dragged the other firsties to our compartment, even Draco and Ronny were convinced after Daphne told him that he get squashed in a second if he fought a troll.
Hermione doubted the sparkles, I asked her: "What do you think will happen? That they put a singing hat on our heads and he will tell us where to go? The spell is not that hard to do, just will it to come out with the right color. When we enter the Great Hall, we use the spell and move to our table, it is that easy."
Neville's toad hopped into our compartment, ten minutes later he came in with Granger in tow. When we told him about the Sparks, he had trouble with his dad's wand.
I whispered: "The Yellow Sparks are easiest, you just have to mean it and force your will through your wand."
Nevvy got his yellow Sparks alright, he even got impressive Sparks. I softly said: "The head of Hufflepuff is a Master in Herbology, it seems you found your destination."
When the trolley lady passed, I bought enough food and snacks to last a few months. At the questioning looks I said: "I don't know if I get another chance to buy candy this year, so I better stock up."
Daphne looked at my clothes and said: "Our parents send ours regularly, I doubt your aunt will do that for you. Smart thinking, maybe you are Ravenclaw material after all."
"Perhaps," I said, "What material are you made of?"
"Slytherin, without a doubt." She answered, "The house of the ambitious and the cunning."
Smith scoffed: "The house of the bullies and bigots you mean, they have had a bad reputation for a lot of decades already."
"Is it that bad?" I asked.
Smith nodded: "Most of the Death Eaters from the last war came out of Slytherin, not all of them, but a lot of them did. I heard that the head of Slytherin is a former Death Eater."
I looked at Daphne and told her: "So if you are really ambitious and cunning, you sort into another house, you can be in Ravenclaw, being smart is always a positive treat to have. And if the bad reputation is true, being a girl in that house is not safe, the bits I heard from those death eaters were that they raped and murdered. I don't know at what age they start practicing rape and torture."
Daphne and Tracey paled, they didn't think that far ahead, soon they were practicing blue sparkles. That is my good deed of the day, getting the most popular snakes out of the snake house, Greengrass and Davis were mentioned a lot in Fan Fiction, I wrote a lot about them too, converting them to Ravenclaw is dealing a blow to Snape.
We spend the rest of the trip explaining the wizarding world and habits to me, House Potter came up in the conversation.
Daphne said: "The Potters are an old House, word is that they came with the Romans as battle mages or healers, and settled here somewhere in Wales, at the height of their power, they controlled most of the economy, some bad investments and incompetent Lords reduced that power, although they are in the top ten of wealthy Houses."
"If that is true, why was I shoved at my aunt? They dropped me in a basket on their doorstep as a piece of trash. If I am so rich, I expected a bit more luxury to live in. Do we have a house? No, do I have a house, I am the last of the Potters you say, what are my rights? Why did everyone abandon me?"
Megan answered: "To find that out, you have to ask your Magic Guardian… or he is the one that did it to you. In school, it is the headmaster or the head of the Houses for the muggle-born. Maybe you can ask it at your head of House."
Yeah, that is a good idea if I end up in Slytherin, ask Snape how rich I am and to help me.
Xxxxx
A half-hour before arrival we changed in our robes, I looked more presentable in my school robes, it is an improvement, not much, but I take all I can get. The boat ride and the view of the castle were fun, I traveled a lot in my past life, so the castle was not that impressive on the outside.
Hagrid presented the new batch at MacGonagal: "The First years madam, all present and counted for."
"Thank you, Hagrid, students, come in and wait for me in the room."
After she left, I said out loud: "Remember, if you get your sparks right you can go to your tables. I heard that it is a loophole in the sorting."
Ron whiperasked "WhatisAloophole?"
Hermione mumbled: "Red Sparks, Red Sparks, Red Sparks."
I whispered to her: "I heard the Griffs are bullies, and only the Ravens have a library in their common room."
Hermione glared at me, turned around, and grumbled: "Blue Sparks, Blue Sparks, Blue Sparks."
The ghosts made their entry to spook the kids, an annual ritual it seems, and Minnie called us in,
I took the lead with my compartment buddies, when we entered the Great Hall, we raised our wands and called our spell, I chose Blue Sparks and made my way to the Ravenclaw table, followed by Daphne, Tracey, Hermione, and the rest of the originals, along the way our robes changed into our house colors. Everyone was speechless, this has never happened before. McGonagall came to her senses and asked: "What in Morgana's name just happened?"
I stood up and answered: "We got sorted madam, you see? My robes changed their color and all. When is dinner ready? I am hungry."
She argued: "That is not how we sort the students here, young man."
I shrugged: "How do you sort them, by putting a singing hat on our heads? How stupid is that? We did our sparks and got sorted."
That comment got a lot of cheers from my year mates, Malfoy shouted: "We like it the way it is, we got our colors on our robes, let's keep them!"
The rest of the students were amused, mostly surprised that Hogwarts accepted their choice and changed the color of the robes. It was an unwritten law, that the moment you get your color, you keep it for seven years.
The discussion at the head table lasted twenty minutes, Snape demanded a traditional sorting, Dumbledore was for the hat too, mostly because I chose to be a Claw, the rest didn't care or were for it.
Dumbledore stood up and said: "For this year we will keep it, we do demand to know who came up with this prank."
I stood up again and answered: "It was me, Headmaster, Hagrid told me that the first spell we learn is at the sorting, and is nothing more than colored Sparks… now that I think of it, he might have said after the sorting. He said that in Diagon Alley, and everything was so new and impressive to me that I might have misheard it. Sorry?"
He chuckled: "Ah, then there is no harm done, my boy."
I raised my hand: "Sir? Are you my grandpa?"
Confused Dumbledore said: "No, my boy, why do you ask that?"
"Well sir, we learned at school that only Grandparents can call you that, others that call you that are pedophiles that want to lure you into their lair with candy and do unspeakable things to you."
Deadly silence, until a Hufflepuff started to laugh out loud, soon the rest followed, the smile on Dumbledore's face seemed a bit forced, he even didn't call his blubber or tweak to serve the food.
Grace said to the sixth-year prefect: "This bunch is going to be troublemakers and Potter is not as innocent as he looked like."
The Prefect sighed: "I fear you are right, first those sparks, then that Pedo joke at the headmaster, those are not that innocent at all. It is going to be a long year, Grace."
Dinner was grand, ten years of malnutrition was burned in my mind, and the reason sat on a throne at the center. Granted, it was not exactly me that was starved, but those memories are realistic enough, and the body matched the diet.
One thing baffled me, fucking pumpkin juice, the one drink for Wizards! Because nobody in their right mind wants to drink that stuff willingly, no amount of sugar can erase that foul taste.
I raised my voice: "Elves? Can I get a pitcher of water please and a clean glass?"
That will get Granger on Spew a few years in advance. The questions were already on her lips. I let the older kids explain it, I am supposed to be ignorant of the wizarding world.
Daphne asked: "How did you know to ask the elves for water?"
I shrugged: "You told me that the elves take care of the old families, Hogwarts is old and big, I guess there are elves working here. It was a calculated hypothesis, you see? I am Ravenclaw material."
Tracey giggled: "Never a dull moment with you around, Harry."
I smiled: "Why, I try to be entertaining for you my Lady, bringing a smile on your face is the meaning of my existence. I live to hear your laughter, your happiness is my ultimate goal."
I grinned: "But I will settle to be friends."
Blushing she grumbled: "You scoundrel, I have to watch out for you. Mum told me of your kind of smooth talkers."
Xxxxx
After dinner, Dumbledore gave his speech halfheartedly, Filch; forbidden forest and certain dead, the Pedo comment still fresh in his mind. He forgot the school song completely, and send us to our bed.
Halfway up the stairs, I commented: "I wonder how many stairs the Puffs have to do to reach their room."
The prefect heard me and answered: "Two stairs down, and twenty yards forward from the Great Hall."
I whined: "Are we there yet?"
The prefect grinned: "Four more stairs, Mister Potter, doing all those stairs keeps you fit."
I moaned: "If you say so, but I am bloody tired."
Lisa poked me: "Quit being a baby, Harry."
We finally arrived at the doorknob, the question: "Is it easier to love or to be loved?"
I answered: "That depends on several factors, the main one is, are you beautiful or ugly? If you are ugly it is easier to love, if you are beautiful it is easier to be loved."
The door opened and commented: "That is a sad truth we all deny, and yet follow nevertheless."
When I lie in my bed, I wondered: "I hope it was entertaining enough for the ROB."
