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The lives of most people do not always run along flowery paths. They often go through a road full of potholes and obstacles. And when something goes wrong, people want to go back in time, wanting to fix the problem, but they can't. As for me, I try my best not to cling to the past. Everything bad that happened to me or things I did wrong remains in the past. I leave it behind and learn from it. But what I'm facing now makes me wish that everything that happened was just a dream. There has never been a time when I have wanted to turn back time as much as this time. The bright light coming from the window shines through my closed eyes, waking me up suddenly. My dream. As I slowly regain my senses, a feeling of nausea overcomes me. The sudden discomfort makes me frown slightly. It takes me a while to regain my lucidity before I realize that my head hurts really bad because I drank too much last night.

I take a deep breath and move my body to stand up when a searing pain rises from my lower back through my spine. I freeze, thinking that this situation is a bit unusual. The only thing I remember is that I just got drunk last night, but why did I wake up with my body sore as if I had been exercising for hours. And based on the cold blanket covering my body, it's clear that I was lying naked in bed right now. Besides my butt right now...

It hurts, it burns and it's sticky. As if something was coming out... As I fully awaken, I feel my heart pounding with fear. The pale white ceiling in front of me tells me clearly that this is not my room, and my mind is slowly remembering some small fragments of the previous night. I slowly turn my head and look to the side, wishing this wasn't what I had in mind. A man with a broad, tanned back covered in scratch marks appears in front of me. The lower part of his body is covered with the same blanket as mine. My heart starts beating faster when I realize how familiar this person's back is. Suddenly, memories of hot, passionate sex flash through my mind. Realizing what happened last night, I begin to feel my anger rising.

"Hmm..." The person with his back to me begins to move. I sit down hurriedly, ignoring the pain, and get up abruptly. With my legs shaking slightly from the pain, I quickly picked up the clothes that had fallen to the side of the bed. Seeing the blue shirt on the floor next to mine makes me feel like I'm going crazy. Damn! Why did this have to happen? I look left and right searching, and immediately rush to what I think is his bathroom. I close the door and immediately go to the mirror to check my body. I purses my lips tightly as I notices how red and swollen they are. My entire body is full of red-purple marks, especially around my neck and chest, clearly telling me that what happened yesterday was not just a dream. The effects of the alcohol left me completely unconscious. Everything is blurry, but I still remember that I didn't resist. That I even longed for his caresses and his touch. That I didn't want him to let me go. It's not the first time I've had sex with someone, but it is the first time I've slept with someone I don't love. Although I wish it were just a nightmare, it's clear that what happened last night really happened. I endure the discomfort in my back with a tense face and decide to take a shower to clean myself. I reluctantly put on the shirt I was wearing last night, before thinking about whether I should go out or not. When I decide, I hold my breath and open the bathroom door to face the unbearable reality.

"Kaede." The owner of the apartment calls me by my name in a low, hoarse voice. The tall man is sitting on the bed, with only a light blanket covering the lower part of his body, looking at me with inexplicable eyes. When I feel the anger pass through me, I turn my face away and not look at him.

The room is enveloped in silence until Sendoh decides to break it.

"How much do you remember about last night?"

"I can't remember and I don't want to remember," I say before heading straight for the door. Seeing that, Sendoh immediately gets out of bed and reaches out to hold my wrist.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going back to my apartment."

"Your car and mine are parked near the restaurant. Wait for me to..."

"It's not necessary." I shake his hand off before walking straight out of the bedroom. Seeing my backpack on the couch, I grab it and rush toward the door.

"Move," I snap when I see Sendoh blocking the door.

"Kaede, are you mad at me?" he asks me, making me snort. I return the question.

"What do you think?"

"Why are you angry? Last night we were happy." Hearing his response, I look at him in disbelief.

"Are you mad at me for cumming inside..."

"Do you really not know what bothers me?!" I can't help but snap back, unable to contain my emotions any longer. My whole body trembles with anger. Sendoh's eyes narrow, looking at me with expressionless eyes.

"Is this really a big deal? Last night we were drunk."

"Yes! Yes it is! Because I woke up this morning and opened my eyes, only to discover that I slept with someone I don't love. Do you want me to pretend to be happy? I'm not like you, who sleeps with anyone!" My voice shakes so much that I feel like I am not able to continue speaking. I swallow the lump in my throat, turn my face away and try to breathe deeply to repress my emotions.

"I know I can't blame you for what happened. I was drunk and you were too. We are both guilty. Now that it has happened, let's forget about it and never talk about it again," I add. Keeping my gaze away from him, I head towards the door to leave. As I'm about to open the door, he suddenly speaks to me, which stuns me for a moment. "You're so angry because it was me you slept with last night, right?"

"..."

"If it had been someone else, you wouldn't react like that. But it was me and that's why you're angry, right?"

"Yes!" I growl before turning around and looking at him. "Since you understand everything, don't mention it again."

"..."

"Don't make me feel even worse about myself."

I hurry out of his apartment, I don't plan to stay and listen to what he has to say. Right now, I just want to get out of this place as quickly as possible and go anywhere, as long as it's not here!

My hangover hasn't gone away and I can feel my head throbbing painfully. I feel something rise up my throat before I fall to my knees on the side of the road. With the heat and exhaustion, I end up vomiting and throwing everything out until I'm out of breath.

As I catch my breath under the scorching sun, I feel something hot running down my cheeks. I tell myself it's just sweat dripping from my forehead, but the burning in my eyes tells me I'm just fooling myself.

I convinced myself it was just a bad dream, but then again, it wasn't a dream at all. There is nothing I can do to stop feeling this way.

I am angry at Sendoh because he has no self-control, but I am even more angry at myself because I know very well in my heart that this happened because of my blame. I can't blame everything on Sendoh just because he lost control after helping me last night.

If he had just left me in the bedroom and I had let him go... if I hadn't cried, begging him to stay... this madness wouldn't have happened.

Yes I wasn't so afraid of the dark, probably not...

My vision begins to blur with tears. I close my eyes and let the tears flow continuously, my body shakes as I sob uncontrollably. It seems as if my body had run out of energy and could no longer resist.

It seems that my life is full of thorns and obstacles. It is not until today, that I realized that the worst thing I did in my life, perhaps, was opening my eyes.


It takes me a while to control my emotions. I decide to buy a coffee to clear my head. After taking a taxi back to the restaurant where last night's party was held and picking up my car, I go straight back to my apartment and go to bed immediately. My body feels exhausted and sore. I haven't eaten anything yet and my headache seems to be getting worse. On the way home, I stopped by the store and bought a box lunch. I open it and start eating.

After eating, I take some medicine, lie down in bed, and fall asleep as soon as I close my eyes.

When I wake up, the sky outside begins to turn orange. I get up and lean on the headboard of the bed, looking out of the corner of my eye at my phone on the desk. I grab it and turn it on to check it. Several missed calls and unread messages appear: messages from my mother asking me to transfer money to pay Sakura's tuition as soon as possible, and messages from Sawakita. Also, many missed calls from Sendoh...

"Please answer the phone. I want to clear things up with you."

I stare blankly at the row of words in front of me. I don't know how to describe my current mood. I really want to escape from the real world, to fall asleep from now on without facing this cruel fact, but I know it's impossible.

In the end, I still have to live and I have to accept the reality of what has happened.

But not now. I turn off the phone again and put it in its place. I still don't want to know what's happening outside because I'm not mentally prepared to face it. Please give me some more time until I am mentally strong enough to not show any signs of weakness.

When that time comes, I will go back and deal with everything myself.


The weekend passes in the blink of an eye and it's Monday morning again. The alarm clock just went off, but I'm still lying in bed, not wanting to get up and get ready as usual. I let the minutes pass and it's not until 10 minutes later that I slowly get up and head to the bathroom, doing my morning routine at a slower pace.

Yesterday I turned off my phone again for the entire day, isolating myself from the outside world. Although this didn't relieve my tension, it gave me time to escape reality. I turn on my phone while driving to work, and the alarm alert "Sendoh's missed call" appears again, just at that moment...

Ring! Ring! Ring! I freeze when the phone rings less than two minutes after turning it on. I purse my lips and look at the name that appears. Sendoh doesn't give up trying to contact me even when I insist on ignoring him. I let the phone vibrate on its own, my foot slowly releases the accelerator pedal, and the car slowly slows down.

Monday morning traffic is as heavy as ever, and I'm sure it won't be too late if I drive a little longer. I don't get to the company until 8:45, 15 minutes after official office hours. In fact, since my first day at work, if it weren't for heavy traffic or my car breaking down in the middle of the road, I would rarely be late. But today I purposely left a little later than usual, so I wouldn't have free time before starting work.

I don't want to face or talk to Sendoh.

I scan my work card and greet my superiors in the office on the way to the IT department. Maybe my face looks a little scary today. Normally, Mitsui always comes to bother me when I enter the office. Today he just watches me from a distance, he doesn't even take a step forward. I enter the IT department. My colleagues are already sitting at their desks working. I head straight to my place. When I am about to sit down, my gaze accidentally meets the person sitting behind me.

The atmosphere becomes suddenly intense, an invisible tension fills the air. His dark blue eyes stare at me and his expression is serious, he doesn't have that teasing smile I'm used to. I look away and turn to sit in my chair.

"Hey, why are you late today?" Fujima asks.

"I woke up late," I respond briefly.

Fujima just blinks. "Are you feeling sick?" His voice sounds worried.

I just shake my head in response as I turn on the computer. Fujima realizes that I'm not in the mood for a conversation right now, so he goes back to focusing on his work. I can't help but sigh.

I have to admit that compared to before, I'd rather Sendoh tease and tease me all the time than be in a tense and awkward situation like now. At least this way, I could look at his face without feeling that way.

Everything between us went wrong.

I spend the entire morning working silently at my desk, keeping my distance from everyone, without saying a word. My eyes only focus on the work in front of them. My coworkers seem to sense my bad mood and no one dares to come talk to me. And not only do I act differently than usual. Sendoh was also silent throughout the day. This day there was no noise of teasing and arguing in the office.

During the lunch break I usually go to the cafeteria with Fujima and Sendoh to eat. Lately, Maki accompanies us and has lunch with us. But since I'm not in the mood to talk to people these days, when Fujima comes up and asks me what I want to eat, I tell him I'll order delivery and eat here in the office. In the end, Fujima decides to accompany me, letting Maki and Sendoh eat out.

I can feel the gaze of penetrating eyes from behind. I ignore him and continue concentrating on my work. When I hear Sendoh finally get up and head towards the exit of the apartment, I let out the breath I was holding.

The atmosphere between us is so tense that I'm about to go crazy. How much longer do I have to endure this situation?

The food I ordered arrives ten minutes later. I grab grilled mackerel elbento seasoned with salt and measure it on the long table at the back of the office. Fujima sits next to me and eats in silence until he decides to ask me.

"Hey, are you sure you're okay?"

"Why?"

"You've been very super quiet today and haven't interacted with the others. Does your head hurt?" Seeing the sadness in Fujima's eyes, I feel a lump form in my throat.

"No," I answers. He remains silent for a moment before asking, "Well, on Friday Sendoh took you home. Where did he leave you? Did he know where you live?"

His question of him leaves me frozen for a moment. Fujima looks at me, waiting for a response. I swallow saliva to moisten my dry throat and act indifferently, as if nothing was happening.

"Yes, he left me at home." I lie.

"That's good to hear. I was worried it would take you to the wrong place. I just found out he also knows where you live," Fujima says as I sit in silence.

Seeing that I'm behaving strangely and that I'm not my usual self, Fujima puts down his spoon and asks me in a serious tone.

"I'm serious, are you okay?" I look into Fujima's eyes, my heart full of confusion and uncertainty.

It would really be great to express and vent everything with him right now. His advice and comfort would be greatly appreciated. I don't have anyone in my life to trust except Fujima.

"I'm fine. Really." I nod, unsure if I'm convincing him or myself.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." I'm sorry for worrying you. Forcing a small smile, I pat him on the shoulder before standing up and throwing my half-eaten lunch box into the trash. As I see Fujima's worried look continue, I can't help but feel guilty for lying.

As much as I want to tell him everything because he's my friend, I think about how he's also Sendoh's friend. Our relationship was strained before, and Fujima has been stuck between us. And again. I don't want to add psychological stress to my friends because of this dilemma.

In any case, there is nothing to mention about this matter, and it is the best option not to tell anyone.


In the afternoon, I continue quietly busy with my own affairs. Sendoh isn't coming to bother me, and it's obvious from his expression that he's not in a good mood either. As time passes, Sendoh's face becomes more and more irritated, and even his junior programmer begins to notice. I ran to ask Fujima what had happened to his superior, only to see Fujima smile dryly and shake his head, indicating that not even he knows what happened, and those who know the reason...don't dare say it. Sendoh said he wanted to talk to me, but for me, since I left his apartment, the whole conversation was over.

"Hey, Rukawa, can you photocopy this for me?" I'm standing in front of the photocopier in the back of the room when Fujima suddenly approaches and he hands me the brochure he has in his hand.

"How many copies do you want?"

"10 copies. By the way, did you finish the catalog you were working on?"

"Not yet," I reply as I load the brochure into the copier.

Suddenly, Fujima leans towards my ear and says softly, "Do you want me to ask Maki to help you? He's finished his work and is free."

"Don't worry, I'm just missing a little."

"Let Maki help you. He is very hard-working and helps people when they need it." Praise Fujima. I just respond with a sound and continue with the task at hand.

"And what do you think of Maki?"

"He's good at his job."

"What else?"

"He looks good."

"Wow, it's weird to see you complimenting him. Someone!"

"I'm just stating the facts. Furthermore, he is very polite. A good guy." I answer honestly. At first, I was a little suspicious of Maki's intentions in approaching me, but after spending time with him and observing him every move over the past two weeks, I was able to see that the polite side of him is fake. He's just very kind and polite.

"Yes, Maki is really good. Anyone would be jealous of the person who manages to be his boyfriend, don't you think?" Fujima approaches me and seems satisfied with the compliments I gave him. His eyes shine brightly as if waiting for something.

"Hmm..." I wonder who could be so lucky to be his boyfriend?

Is he referring to himself?

"And... what if you had a boyfriend like him?"

"It would be nice, I guess. He doesn't look like a player and seems very sincere," I say, taking the papers out of the photocopier. My eyebrows furrow as I read what's written on them.

"Uhm, Fujima?"

"Huh?"

"You...?"

"Have you finished using the photocopier? Can I use it?" My question is cut off by a deep, cold voice from behind. Sendoh slowly approaches and I can feel my body tense. I can even feel absorbed in me.

"When did you arrive?" Fujima asks, but Sendoh doesn't seem interested in answering.

"Are you done? Please move if so."

"Yes! We're done. Feel free to use it." Fujima seems to sense the gloomy atmosphere and quickly grabs my arm and we walk back to our desk. As we passed each other, I heard a heavy sigh from behind.

"Here." I return the brochure that Fujima gave me earlier.

"Thank you." After receiving it, he is about to return to his desk, and I immediately grabs his arm.

"Fujima."

"Yes?"

"Are you interested in these things?"

"What?"

"Don't consume this. Aphrodisiacs are not good and are very dangerous. If you have any problems, it is better to consult a doctor first." I remind him with concern.

Fujima's dumbfounded expression says he doesn't understand what I'm talking about. I look at the brochure in his hand and back at him. Fujima is still young. In my eyes, he has always been a healthy boy, but when I saw that he was photocopying promotional pamphlets for aphrodisiacs to improve sexual function, I realized that he has this kind of problem at a young age.

I was sitting at my desk until almost 4 in the afternoon when I decided to get up from my place to go to the bathroom.

"Where are you going?" Fujima looks at me and asks me.

"To the bathroom. I'll be right back," I say very quietly, not wanting those behind me to hear me. After satisfying my physical needs, I'm about to return to my seat when I see someone I don't want to talk to again blocking the bathroom door.

"Let's talk."

Without waiting for my response, Sendoh grabs my wrist and pulls me. I try to break free from his grip, but it only makes him stronger. I have no choice but to follow him.

"What?" I ask him as he takes me to the emergency exit. Sendoh closes the door before releasing my wrist. He looks at me and I can see how frustrated he is.

"We need to talk."

"I have nothing to talk to you about."

"How long are you going to avoid me?" His deep, hoarse voice begins to get louder. Sendoh's face, that attracts many people in the office, is now full of frustration and tension.

"I admit that I am an idiot. I was drunk and I couldn't control myself and I fucked you without any protection. I wanted to apologize, but you keep avoiding me."

"Good! Apology accepted. Let me also apologize because some of that was my fault. Now that it's settled, let's forget this conversation and everything that happened!" I say before walking back.

Sendoh immediately grabs my wrist. His grip becomes stronger and I can't help but hiss in pain.

"Akira, let go of me!"

"If you don't go back to being the usual Kaede, this won't end." Not only does he pretend he doesn't hear me, but he grabs my arm and pulls me close to him.

I clench my jaw and ask through clenched teeth, "What do you mean? I usually don't get along with you. What is the difference between our current state and the previous one?"

"You don't even look at me! You act as if I don't exist in this world! And I hate that!" His angry voice makes my heart contract strangely. His dark eyes are full of anger. The man who always carries a playful smile disappears in an instant. I can't help but swallow.

"Tell me, what do you want me to do? If you still feel uncomfortable, we can go get a blood test done!"

"Whatever! But please don't avoid me. If you keep doing this, it will only get worse!" The tall man breathes heavily in frustration. I stand silently looking at my wrist, which is being grabbed by someone else, and slowly free myself from his hand as I speak.

"Akira, do you know why I'm avoiding you?"

"..."

"Because the more I look at your face, the angrier I get at myself." When I manage to remove my hand, I lift my head to meet his gaze. He looks at me with a complicated look. I can't know what he is feeling right now, but as for my…

I'm tired physically and mentally.

"All I want is for it to be over and let's not talk about this again. You've already apologized to me, so don't bother me anymore. Don't bring it up again, so I can forget about it as soon as possible."

When I finish speaking, I walk past him, open the door and I return to the office without making a sound, leaving Sendoh alone there without even giving him a glance.

I look at my wrist and I can still feel his warm hand surrounding it. Seeing the faint red mark on it, I feel my throat starting to dry out. The corners of my eyes start to water. I blink rapidly two or three times and take a deep breath. After fixing my expression, I return to my desk as if nothing had happened.

I know I can't fix the past, but at least time can heal everything. As time passes, I will begin to have the courage to face my past mistakes and I will be able to return to normal.

I only wish that day comes soon

Will be continued.