As soon as the door of the testing room fell close behind her, she broke into a sprint to the nearest bathroom and threw up violently. It took a few minutes before she could finally lift herself up from the floor. She stumbled to the sink, rinsed out her mouth and stared at her reflection, her hands gripping the edge of the sink tightly.

She had just killed someone.

Shiho was having difficulty breathing. It felt like her ribcage was being pressed together by an unstoppable force. She shook her head and splashed some water on her face.

You have to calm down.

At any moment someone could enter the bathroom. She couldn't let anyone see her like this.

Breath in. Breath out.

Slowly her grip got looser. The room stopped spinning. Her heartbeat calmed down.

She really should have been better prepared for this moment. She had been a member of the organisation since the day she was born. Her whole life she had known exactly what they did, what was expected from most of them For god's sake, the last few years she had worked on a lethal poison! Had she honestly believed to never get blood on her hands?

It had been easier not to dwell on it when it had just been a distant possibility. Did it really matter if the organisation would use her poison? Any target would be killed anyway, be it with a gun or with her poison. She had used this argument to keep her bad conscience at bay. But this - this was something else, something she couldn't justify. Who could have thought that her life would change that much in less than 24 hours?

Their research into the antidote had reached a dead end. Although they had found traces of the poison in the cells of the shrunken mouse, they hadn't been able to find anything in the tissue of the boy. They had come up with two different theories. Either too much time had passed before they had taken the samples or the poison worked differently depending on the species.

There was only one way to find out which theory was true.

She had discussed it with her colleagues and they had all come to the same conclusion. Shiho had spent a sleepless night trying to come up with an argument against it, but had been unable to.

When Gin had shown up the next morning for the daily update she had informed him about the next necessary steps.

"We need a human test subject." She was surprised how calm she sounded. They were alone in the laboratory as she had sent the others away on different errands. "We have drawn up a description of the ideal candidate - stature, age, blood-type, anything that might be relevant. We need someone who fits the criteria as closely as possible. Can you do it?"

She handed him the piece of paper and he briefly scanned it. "Certainly. How many do you need?"

It took a few seconds for Shiho to gather herself. She would probably never get used to how truly vicious he was. How could someone have such a disregard for human life? "For starters one should be enough. Depending on his reaction to the apoptoxin we can discuss additional test subjects later."

Gin smirked. "You are still trying to remain innocent, aren't you?"

"I don't know what you mean." She crossed her arms in front of her defiantly. "Ideally the test person survives and shrinks so we can collect all the data we need."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"How high is the probability?"

She broke the eye contact with him. If their experiments on the mice were any indication, the probability that another person would shrink lay in the single digits.

"Just as I thought." He took a step towards her and was now standing directly in front of her. Shiho fought against her instinct screaming at her to take a step back. "So why don't you want to get more for your precious research?"

"Isn't it obvious? If several teenager were to disappear at the same time, it might arouse unwanted suspicion."

He didn't say anything and instead searched her face for something. She tried to keep her features relaxed, blank. Playing the role of a loyal organisation member had never been more important. "How long will it take?"

"It depends. Are you really so eager to test out that poison of yours?"

"I just want to do my job. You yourself made it clear how important the antidote it."

"And?" he asked with narrowed eyes.

It was obvious that he didn't believe her which wasn't too surprising. She did have another reason and someone must have already informed him about her conversation with Akemi. There was no need to delay it any further if he already gave her such an opening. "Akemi invited me on a shopping trip. I want to go."

"No."

"It's not like I have anything better to do. Without new data we can't continue the research." She hated how stubborn she sounded. Almost like a child, but this was exactly how powerless she felt. "Just an hour or two," she added to make her request seem less demanding.

"No," he repeated with a low voice.

She had expected it. Through the years she had gotten used to the fact that she had to fight for every little bit of joy in her life, often times unsuccessfully. But this time she wouldn't give up so easily. The possibility to finally escape the organisation gave her hope and a reason to stand her ground. "Why not? I have spent years practically locked-up in a lab. I have done everything the organisation wanted me to do without complaint." The anger that had built up over the years gave her enough courage to continue. "I'm an adult now. I have proven myself to be worthy of a codename. I deserve a little bit of freedom without having to beg for it every single time."

She had trouble interpreting Gin's expression. It appeared to be a mixture of amusement and anger and she wasn't sure which emotion dominated. "Finish the antidote and we might consider it."

Without sparing her another glance he walked over to the door and already had his hand on the door-handle when she shouted "NO!"

The world seemed to stay still for a moment. She could feel the heat in her cheeks as she watched him slowly turn around.

"No?" It was one word, a word she had heard more times than she could count, but this time it was enough to make her recoil in fear. He was furious and it took every bit of courage she had left to not apologise or try to hide. She was so close to achieve her goal and she couldn't give up now.

Before their meeting she had debated whether she would dare to go this far. She feared him more than anything. However, her desire to save Akemi and a theory she had gave her enough strength to ignore her fear.

Since that fateful night in which she had met Conan for the first time she had wondered why Gin was so invested in the creation of the antidote. She remembered her confidence in her deduction that he needed her. The only question was - just how much did he really need her and where would he draw the line?

"You want me to work on the antidote. I will only continue to do so if I get to see my sister."

Gin had come closer and had drawn his gun. The muzzle pointed directly at her face. It was not the first time they were in this position, but this time felt different. "You are not as valuable as you think."

"Shot me then."

One second passed. Two. Then three. Shiho listened to her own thundering heartbeat while waiting for something to happen.

Finally Gin lowered his gun and Shiho slowly let out the breath she was holding. She was safe, for now at least. She doubted that Gin would let her insubordination go unpunished, but until he could find a suitable punishment she would hopefully already be out of the organisation's reach.

"We'll talk about this later," he said before leaving her alone.

Later turned out to be the next day. Shiho woke up to a text message from Gin requesting her presence in the testing room.

The first and only thing she saw when she opened the door was Gin. The corridor and the room itself were both dark, but she could still make out his silhouette. He was sitting on a chair to her right, his legs crossed and a cigarette between his lips.

"What is it?"

Instead of answering he turned on the light. It took her a moment to get used to the sudden harsh light, but as soon as she could see everything her eyes widened in shock. In the middle of the room stood another chair. A young man, no - a teenager - sat in it, slumped over and tied to the chair. His hair looked sticky and had a reddish hue.

"Who is this?" she asked, her voice strained.

"The test subject you requested." Gin stood up in one fluid motion and strode over to the unconscious teenager, all while listing the most important details about him. He stopped next to the teenager and looked at her. "He fits your criteria perfectly. Why are you so shocked?"

Shiho blinked quickly and tried to relax her features. Gin was testing her and she couldn't let him see how terrified she really was. "Not shocked, just surprised by how quickly you found someone."

She buried her hands in the pockets of her lab coat so he couldn't see how much they were trembling and took a step closer to appear interested. "He does seem perfect. But we need to be sure about the blood type. I'll get everything to test him."

Gin took his cigarette out of his mouth and clicked his tongue. With his free hand he reached into the inside of his trenchcoat and pulled out a piece of paper that he handed to her. "Don't bother. Your colleague with the glasses already took care of it," he explained as Shiho scanned the document.

"You are thorough." Her mind was racing, trying to come up with a way to get out of this situation, but she couldn't think of any good reason to delay the testing. "Do you have the APTX4869 with you?"

"Of course." He took a deep drag of his cigarette and blew the smoke into the teenager's face. The young man groaned and twitched, but he remained unconscious. This prompted Gin to kick the chair. The movement was enough to finally wake him up.

Shiho watched as he slowly lifted his head and opened his eyes. He seemed a bit disorientated in the beginning, but soon enough he began tugging at his restraints. His eyes found hers and she could see the sheer panic in them. He tried to say something, but the duct tape over his mouth muffled his words.

"You know, I thought about your words from yesterday." Gin changed his position again, now placing himself directly behind her. Shiho was rigid; she could smell the cigarette smoke and could feel his breath on her neck with every word he spoke. "You are right. You are a code-named member. It's high time you start acting like one."

She felt how he moved his left arm, rummaging through the pocket of his trenchcoat. Then his arm brushed against her own and he dropped something into the pocket of her labcoat. She recognised the object immediately, it was her own creation after all. A capsule. The APTX4869.

She was certain that she looked as terrified as the teenager in front of her. "You .. you want me …to …"

"Give him the pill yourself? Sure. It shouldn't be a problem for someone with a code name." He went over to the table, grabbed a water bottle and threw it in her direction. She caught it by instinct. "You can't always rely on others to do your dirty work."

Shiho stared at her feet, avoiding both Gin and the teenager. The weight of the poison in her between her fingers felt unbearable. How was she supposed to get out of this?

She couldn't do it. Never. She knew that she wasn't entirely innocent. Since the beginning she had known what purpose the APTX4869 was supposed to have - to kill without leaving a trace. But hidden behind her computer and test tubes it had felt distant. She didn't kill people herself. She was merely creating a poison that could kill. What others did with it wasn't her fault.

Besides, it was not like she did her work voluntarily. Nobody had ever asked her what she wanted to do. The organisation had groomed her and was now forcing her to create the poison. She didn't have a choice. Sure, in the beginning she might have been excited to continue her parents research, but that had been a short-lived feeling. It didn't mean that she was guilty.

Most days this was enough to ease her conscience.

But this - this was too much, too close, too direct. As head of the research team she had ordered Gin to find a suitable test subject, in part to get permission to meet her sister. This time she couldn't put all the blame on others. She had foolishly hoped that she would never be confronted with the consequences of her request. And now she was about to personally poison an innocent person, someone younger than herself even. She would be a murderer.

Of course she could refuse to obey the explicit order. But what difference would it make who gave him the poison? The teenager would die anyway, even if he survived the poison. It wouldn't change anything.

Her conscience might remain a tiny bit clearer - for the moment at least. Who knows what Gin would do as retaliation? More victims, torture, locking her up, killing Akemi - the possibilities and his creativity were endless.

Her survival instinct kicked in. She had to do it. There was no way around it. Not just for herself, but for Akemi. It would give Shiho the tiny bit of freedom she needed so that they could flee together.

Shiho took a deep breath and raised her head. Don't think about it.

Her movements were almost robotic. She stepped closer to the teenager and removed the duct-tape covering his mouth. He immediately started begging for his life, but she could barely hear him. It felt like she was in a trance, like her ears were covered by something muffling every sound around her except for her throbbing heart. Somehow, his words still burned themselves into her memory.

"No, no, please. Please! I don't want to die. Please, my parents, they -" Tears streamed down his face and the whole chair shook as he desperately tried to free himself. "PLEASE. Don't do this. I beg you. NO!"

"I'm sorry," she whispered. She doubted that he had heard her. When he opened his mouth again, she used the opportunity to shove the pill inside. Before he could spit it out, she pressed the water bottle against his lips and pinched his nose with her free hand. He fought against it, even though he stood no chance. She pressed the water bottle together and the liquid filled his mouth. It forced him to swallow the pill.

Shiho let go of him and stumbled back. He coughed, but it was too late. The pill was already in his system. "Why? Why are you doing this? I haven't done anything." He repeated the same words under tears until the pain overpowered him

It took far too long. Time seemed to pass slower as he screamed in agony. She couldn't avert her gaze from his writhing, steaming body. She didn't move, didn't even blink.

Finally he stopped twitching. Shiho waited ten seconds before approaching him. His body was still warm, unusually hot even, when she pressed her fingers against his throat, but she couldn't feel a pulse.

"He is dead."

"What a pity. At least now we know that your poison isn't completely faulty."

His voice added to her nausea. He sounded far too amused. "I'll grab my equipment to take samples anyway."

"Feel free. I hope you'll enjoy your shopping trip." His words felt like acid on her skin. "I do look forward to see your purchases."

It had taken her every last bit of self-control to get to the bathroom before losing her composure.

Now, still standing in the bathroom Shiho's breath had finally calmed down a bit. She raised her head to look at her face again - eyes wide open and pale skin that was still wet from the water and her tears. She grabbed a few tissues to wipe it away.

She had to hurry up. Gin would soon notice that it took her far too long to get to the lab and back and she couldn't let anyone see how much it affected her. She had to push her feelings down, ignore them for the moment. The teenager was dead. She couldn't change it anymore. But if she couldn't compose herself now, everything that happened would have been in vain. She had to hang on, just a few more days and then she could deal with the repercussions of her actions.

Before she stepped out of the bathroom, she took a last soothing breath and reached for her phone to send a quick text to Akemi.

'I'm free the day after tomorrow. Does 14:00 work for you?'