If you could go back to a certain point of your past, with all the knowledge of the future, would you do it? How would you cope with the pressure of knowing any decision you make can change everything you thought you knew?
He had been sleeping, all day, while Meredith was running around trying to find out what had happened to his case. That asshole. She pushed him back down on the bed, climbing over him to lie down next to him, as they often found themselves after a long day. The familiar was a pleasant surprise after the stressful day Meredith found herself having. Again, Alex was an asshole.
"What happened?" she asked, turning her head towards him. She couldn't help but drink him in, not even ten minutes ago she thought she lost her person. Two years in prison feeling like forever.
"Deluca dropped the charges," he sighed, "I'll explain more tomorrow but right now I don't want to question the dumb luck." He reached over and grabbed her hand, and Meredith understood. They both had enough crap happen to them that questioning the good often felt like tempting fate.
She squeezed his hand, closing her eyes and the subject, for now. Tonight, they would be bright and shiny. Tomorrow reality could kick in, and she could yell about not even receiving a text from him all day.
As she laid there with her eyes closed none of the exhaustion, she had felt all day was present. Instead, she felt a giddiness spreading throughout her body keeping her wide wake. She felt a smile spread, probably making her look like a loon. The smile evolved into giggling, her nose scrunching and her shoulders shaking. It doesn't take four years at med school to know that giggles are infectious, and soon both were clutching their stomachs trying to get themselves under control.
"Dude, what so funny?" Alex managed to pant out between fits of laughter. Every time he tried to look at Meredith, overwhelming relief would set him off again. Instead of answering him Meredith hauled Alex outside by the hand, grabbing every blanket they could on the way, trying to muffle their laughter and failing. It's a miracle neither Maggie nor the children woke up.
They found themselves wrapped around each other sitting on the porch swing, smiling like idiots, blankets spilling everywhere. Rain pounding on the roof above them, thunder rolling in the distance. Both were feeling the cold, all logic stated that they should head back, however having spent what felt like a lifetime, and at the same time as no time at all, trying and failing not to think about being locked away in a cell for years, neither felt like spending any time inside.
After minutes, or hours, Meredith felt her giddiness make way for contentment. "We've really come a long way." She sighed.
Alex looked at her, prompting her to continue. "I never would have imagined that the two of us would be sitting here," her eyes sparkled with mischief, and he knew what she would say next, "I really hated you."
"Shut up" he said, lips curled in his crooked smile, and Meredith must have been feeling more nostalgic than she realized as she was transported back to their intern days, remembering his face after she teased him about Izzie.
"I miss it," she sighed, "being the five of us," the mood turned somber, as they remembered who they had lost. Trying to salvage the mood she continued, "I loved when we all lived in the house together, Izzie used to freak out George on purpose by using his toothbrush," she giggled.
Alex scrunched his nose, interrupting, "I kissed her after she used O'Malley's toothbrush? That's gross Mer." Meredith just laughed harder.
"You can give him syphilis but not share a toothbrush?"
He shoved her shoulder, a blush coloring his cheeks, "You know, over the years it's started to become weird having a bathroom all to yourself." Meredith smiled, "I know what you mean. These days the only people who disregards my personal space are you and the kids."
"Good thing too," Alex said, "we would have to share showers if Izzie and O'Malley still lived here, and Pierce and I aren't that close." Shaking his head, he tried to shake the image of him in a shower with Maggie, but somehow ending up with a permanent picture of a naked, soapy Meredith smiling at him under the spray. The heavy rain on the roof didn't help bringing him out of his shower fantasy. A noise from the baby alarm brought him back, both him and Meredith getting ready to spring to action, but it sounded like Ellis was just turning in her sleep.
Relaxing again, Alex shifted so he no longer leaned against his person, creating a distance between them for the first time since Meredith found him in her bed.
The sky lit up with lightning, leaving an ominous feeling in its wake. "Sometimes I dream of them," Meredith said quietly, good mood forgotten, "I dream that George somehow survived, and kept on living with Lexie in that god awful apartment, or at least until she got back together with Mark." She giggled wetly. "I dream that I somehow travel back in time, and I stop everybody from leaving or dying, and we get to keep them. George. Izzie. Lexie. Mark. Cristina… Derek."
Thoughts of keeping his distance went right out the window as Alex gathered her in his arms, holding her close not saying a word. He had the same dreams, haunting him along with dreams of cancer and bullets and drowning and patients going crazy and fists meeting a face. In his dreams he was always there a second too late, forced to relive losing his people.
They sat together as the storm seemed to pick up its pace, the lightning came again and again, thunder drawing nearer and nearer. It didn't take long for them to stand in silent agreement, they had been insane to even go outside in the first place, and now that their giddiness was a distant memory the day had caught up to them again.
Gathering the blankets, Meredith found the words just tumbling out without her permission. "I just wish I could see them all again."
She ducked, feeling embarrassed, not wanting to see the expression on his face. Thunder rumbled loudly over their heads as the lightning drew nearer, and she almost didn't hear him whisper "Me too."
Their eyes met as the world lit up again, a stray bolt of lightning striking the porch swing, and all they knew was pain.
