Very long, very difficult chapter and I welcome your feedback!

Chapter 28

The rest of Paris had no idea a single carriage on its way to the train station had plunged into absolute chaos.

I had no recollection of when the carriage driver returned to his seat or if I had instructed him to turn the cab around. All I knew was Julia insisted on returning to her home instead of the hospital and I conceded to her wishes without question.

The carriage hit a sizeable bump in the street and Julia's spine curled. She pressed her nails into my knuckles, her hands a cold, clammy vice around mine.

Despite her condition, I felt more helpless than my wife. As she leaned against me trembling, she whispered her apologies but would give no explanation concerning what ailed her, which did nothing to calm me, Lisette, or Alex.

Within moments of the carriage turning around to head back to the house, Lisette began to cry as she looked on in horror, Alex held Bessie back from jumping into Julia's lap, and I sat rigid with my arm around Julia. We could not have been more than a few streets away at best, yet the carriage bumbled along and my patience waned.

"If we do not move faster," I said through my teeth.

"Erik, don't," Julia said. She breathed hard against my chest, and for her sake I said nothing more. Lisette gave me a pleading look and I nodded, which was permission enough for her to exchange places with Alex and take her mother's hand.

"Mama," Lisette squeaked.

The fear in her eyes made my throat tighten. I thought of how frightened I had been as a child when my uncle had slipped away before my eyes. Just as my uncle had been the only one to care for me, Lisette had only her mother in her life. If anything were to happen to Julia, Lisette would be devastated.

"Do not worry, sweetheart. I will be fine," Julia said calmly. How she managed to speak in such a soft tone I had no idea, but her voice soothed Lisette enough to quell her tears into little more than a sniffle.

Once we finally pulled up to the curb, the driver flung open the carriage door and asked what needed to be done. His face appeared almost as pale as Julia's, his jaw working through unspoken sentences.

"Unload our belongings," I ordered. "Alex, Lisette, tell Madame to send for a physician at once."

"Is Mother dying?" Lisette asked as she tugged on my sleeve.

"Not at all," I said, hoping to convince Lisette as well as myself.

"Are you certain?" she pressed.

I leaned forward so that we stood eye level. "I will do everything in my power to make your mother feel better, but I cannot do it alone. You and Alex must make haste, do you understand?"

Lisette readily nodded and motioned for Alex to exit the carriage first and help her down. Both children as well as Bessie shot out of the open cab door and raced around the corner of the street. I could hear Alex yell, though I could not decipher his words.

"Can you move?" I asked Julia once both children were well out of earshot.I was more than ready to lift her from the carriage and carry her into the house if need be.

Julia nodded. "I can stand," she said. "Really, I will be fine."

"You are clearly not fine," I said sharply.

After I stepped out, the driver stood beside me,and together we offered Julia assistance in exiting the carriage.

With her first step, I watched her foot to make certain she did not miss the stair and noticed a streak of red along the inside of her leg. Once her skirt fell into place, I looked up and met her eye, but she instantly looked away.

"Julia?" I questioned.

"Not now," she panted. "Wait until we are alone."

"Monsieur," the driver said. "Where would you like me to unload the trunks?"

"Leave them on the street for all I care." Absently I fished into my pocket for my wallet and rifled through bank notes. Without counting the amount, I stuffed a handful of francs into his open palm and saw him gawk in surprise.

"That is far too much," the boy stammered.

"Keep it," I said over my shoulder before I put my arm around Julia and ushered her toward the house.

She stopped halfway to the doorway and stood doubled over, groaning once more. Her fingers dug into my arm, and I noticed tears stream down her face.

"You tell me when you are able to take another step," I said gently.

"I am very sorry," she whispered.

I had no idea what to say, mostly because I was not certain what was wrong, although I had made my own deductions from the moment I saw the trail of blood on her leg.

We took a step forward and Julia nodded. She kept her head down as I unlocked the front door and managed to help her into the foyer.

"You are bleeding," I said once I closed the front door.

Julia turned completely away from from me, her hands once gripped tightly to my arms found the mahogany banister instead. Despite being only out of arm's reach from her, I felt as though we stood on opposite ends of the ocean.

I studied her a moment as she stood draped over the banister, her body wracked with sobs that made the hairs on my arms stand on end.

"Please," I begged. "Please tell me what has happened."

I took a step forward and reached out to her, but stopped myself before my fingers touched her shoulder. The anguish in her sobs made me shudder, and I feared the slightest touch would make her hurt worse.

The distance, however, knifed through me. I had vowed to her that in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for as long as I lived I would stay by her side. I would not break my vow to her, especially not days after our marriage began.

Breath held, I stepped closer and placed one hand on her shoulder. She reached back and placed her fingers over mine, and in silence I merely stood with her.

I heard the back door open and close and within seconds Madeline appeared. She saw us immediately and once she heard Julia sob, she came to a sudden stop. I shook my head, having no idea what to do much less tell her. Madeline frowned and took a step back as she wrung her hands.

"Would you like to sit?" I asked Julia quietly.

With her arms still folded over the banister, Julia nodded. "Erik," she said, her voice quivering. She pulled my arm around her and I felt her stomach tighten. Again she stifled a groan and I looked from the back of her head to Madeline, who stood frozen in place with her hand over her mouth and tears in her eyes.

"I am here," I offered.

"I am losing our child," Julia wept.

Goose flesh rose along my arms and my eyes closed as her words confirmed my greatest fear. I nodded even though she had not lifted her head to see me. "I know," I whispered.

Too many nights spent alone reading medical textbooks and I understood my wife's symptoms without needing an explanation. I had stayed awake for days on end with my head in my hands and candles burned down to stumps as I searched through book after book to see if Christine could terminate her pregnancy as she had stated after she came to me a second time. Although no textbook confirmed Christine's statement, I feared I had caused Julia's physical suffering.

"Are you upset with me?" Julia asked. She lifted her head from her folded arms but still did not look me in the eye.

I shook my head and kissed her temple. "I am worried," I answered. "Deathly afraid to be exact, but the physician should be here soon." I glanced at Madeline, who merely nodded before she turned and walked into the kitchen.

Julia's entire body quaked with emotion and I lifted her chin. At last her glassy eyes met mine before I kissed her forehead. I swore she had a fever, though I supposed it could have been the heat from the carriage and the streets of Paris in summer.

"You should lie down," I said, my words more of a suggestion than a firm request.

Julia nodded. "There are some old towels and sheets in the linen closet. If you would not mind helping me up the stairs-"

"I will get whatever you need," I said. "And you will stay put and rest."

Once I turned my attention from Julia I started down the hall toward the kitchen to speak with Madeline regarding the doctor. Ruby entered through the back door in a rush, but Madeline caught her by the arm and the two of them exchanged whispered words. Madeline nodded, gave me one last sorrowful look, and headed out the back door. I had a feeling Madeline would stay with Alex and Lissy while Ruby would tend to whatever duties were needed concerning Julia.

Before I said a word, Ruby made her way into the foyer and barely met my eye. She immediately placed her hand on Julia's shoulder. "Madame Kire, Alex and Lissy paid a visit to the doctor and he should be here shortly. In the meantime, whatever you need, I will fetch."

"Old linens," I said when Julia broke down in tears once more. "Into the guest room, please."

Ruby gave a curt nod and took the stairs two at a time.

"Come with me," I said to Julia.

"I will wait until the bed is prepared."

"No, you will not. You will lie down at once."

"But I will ruin the sheets-"

"That is the least of my concerns at the moment. I will purchase a hundred new set of sheets and a new damned house if it comes to that." All too late I realized the harshness of my tone and took a breath. "Please, at least sit."

Julia swallowed and finally conceded. "Are Alex and Lisette returning here?" she asked blankly.

"No, I believe they will stay with Madeline, Meg and Charles until you are well enough to see them."

"I do not want them to know," Julia blurted out. "Swear to me you will not say a word."

Alex, I knew, would have a million questions and I suspected he already asked Charles and Meg why they were forced to stay in our home instead of being with Julia when she was clearly unwell. I could still hear Lisette's tearful voice asking her mother if she was ill, each word filled with panic.

"We will discuss that later," I said.

Ruby caught up to us with an armful of old towels and sheets well before we reached the guest room. She murmured an apology as she slipped past us and prepared the bed without further instruction. Her efficiency was quite impressive, and had the circumstances been different I would have said something to her.

"A bed dress so you are more comfortable," Ruby said to Julia once we entered the room where I had stayed not three months earlier. The days seemed so distant, and yet as soon as we walked into the small space I recalled how Julia had tended to me day and night while I fought her every step of the way.

Remorse did not begin to cover how I felt the moment I set foot within the guest room again.

Ruby hung the new garment up on a hook at the back of the door and said she would return with a pitcher of water. She set out rags and an empty water basin before she excused herself and marched dutifully down the hall. Having worked for Luc Testan, I assumed she was quite accustomed to providing towels, medicine, and bandages given his poor health. Her overall efficiency impressed me, and I knew speaking to Madeline regarding a pay raise would be crucial if I decided to keep Ruby employed now that she was engaged to Archie Leach.

"I will change," Julia said, her voice hollow. "If you do not mind."

"Do you wish me to leave the room?" I asked.

Julia blinked slowly. "I would rather you not see me like this at all."

That was hardly an answer.

"I would rather you not fall."

Julia shrugged and I released a pent up breath, thankful she had not put up a fight over the situation. If I could do nothing more than keep vigilant watch over my wife, so be it.

While I stood within arm's reach, Julia sucked in a breath and reached around to untie the ribbon at the back of her dress. Her body swayed as she wrenched her arms behind her body, and I deftly stepped forward and caught her elbow to steady her. She inhaled sharply and covered her face with her hand in shame.

"I apologize," she said meekly.

"You have seen the absolute worst of me," I said gently. I felt her lean into my chest, her tense shoulders at last relaxing as I held her. "There is not one single thing you could do or say that will ever make me feel or think less of you."

Julia nodded and I untied her sash. The dress loosened, and she unbuttoned the front of her dress with unsteady hands and glassy eyes trained on the fabric. Once she had her arms removed, she requested that I turn away, which I did. She held onto my arm for balance but managed to remove the rest of her clothing. From the mirror over the dresser I caught a glimpse of her sullen expression and ashen complexion. Despite her request that I did not look at her, I stared from the corner of my eye and felt my breath catch in my throat as I saw the blood stains on her skirt, which she had gathered in her arms.

"These will have to be thrown away," Julia said absently.

"That is of no concern."

"It's new."

"Then I shall buy you another one. Two, if you so desire."

Julia pursed her lips and gripped the fabric tightly between her clenched fingers.

"Would you like me to help you dress?" I asked.

She seemed startled by my words, but shook her head. "I can manage I think."

Still I watched her as she turned away from me. The mirror revealed her form from just above her hips, and I studied her carefully as she turned and reached for her night gown. Her belly looked slightly swollen, though not enough where I had noticed her condition. She started to pull her arms through the sleeves but paused, her gaze drawn to her stomach. I watched in silence as she placed her palm against her abdomen and pressed her eyes shut. Her teeth bit down on her lower lip and she made every attempt to hold back another bout of emotion.

My throat tightened, the pain she clearly felt more than I could bear to see her experience. "Julia," I said as I turned to face her.

"I feel sick," she said as she wrestled to pull the gown over her head.

Ruby knocked on the door just as Julia managed to dress herself. While Ruby entered the room, Julia scurried out and I followed her to the end of the hall and stood outside of the water closet door where the feeling of being sick turned to the act of being violently ill.

Unable to do anything for her, I leaned against the wall and stared at the heavily trampled runner, attempting to comprehend what had transpired from the moment we had left the house to our return. Absently I turned my wedding band on my finger as I waited for the door to open again.

"How do you feel?" I asked once she seemed to settle.

I thought of how she had asked me the same question when I had been incapacitated within her home and my reply had been nothing short of horrendous and uncooperative. Half of me expected her to treat me in the same manner, which I knew I more than deserved.

"Not well," she answered weakly.

I nudged the pocket door open and peered inside where I found her leaning against the sink with her hands gripping the edge. She did not appear surprised by me walking in, although she looked from me to her bare feet and frowned. Blood stains had formed dried paths like rivers on a map from the middle of her calves down to the sides of her feet.

"I don't want you to see this," she said sharply.

Inhaling, I removed my mask and hair piece and stood beside her. " At my worst," I said.

Her face crumpled and her head tipped forward until her chin nearly touched her chest. Without a word spoken between us, I took a towel off the hook and dampened it with cool water. Once I wrung it out, I gathered up her braid of hair and placed the towel against the back of her neck.

She exhaled, her knuckles against the edge of the sink and head still down. "Thank you," she said under her breath.

"I had done this for Alexandre on many occasions when he was much younger," I told her. "Cutting teeth was intolerable for him, and he would crawl into my lap on the bedroom floor and sleep in my arms while I kept a rag against his forehead."

Now that he was a little older, he no longer wished to be coddled in that manner, and I had almost forgotten the nights spent awake, how my back was knotted from sitting curled up beneath him as he slept deeply, how I forced my eyes to stay open merely to hear him breathe.

"You do not need to do this for me," Julia whispered.

"I want to do this for you. I want to be beside you no matter what," I said as I turned the towel over and blotted the sides of her neck. For the first time in our lives I felt useful and needed by Julia, as if I could finally provide for her in a way she had always provided for me, even when we were still mostly strangers to one another. "If you do not need me…"

She turned her head and offered a weak smile. "You are too good to me."

There she was wrong. I would never be good enough for her, but I offered a kiss to the shell of her ear rather than words.

Once Julia was able to stand upright again, I guided her back into the guest room and helped her into bed while Ruby straightened items on the dresser and poured a glass of water, which she handed to me.

"I will keep watch for the physician," Ruby said as she exited the room and shut the door behind her. I was not sure if she knew what had happened, but I noticed Julia's discarded dress was removed from the room.

"How long did you know?" I asked once we were alone. "Of your condition, I mean to say."

I left her side and filled the shallow water basin on the dresser, which i brought to the bedside table along with a rag.

Julia said nothing as I wrung out the rag and pulled the covers back, exposing her outstretched legs. The skirt of her nightgown fell just above her kneecaps and revealed the trail of blood dried along the inside of her legs.

Gently I dabbed at her ankles and the insides of her calves until I reached her knees. I rinsed the rag and squeezed out the excess, which turned the cool water an alarming shade of red. I felt Julia staring at me, her breaths harsh, her body experiencing another pain. I kept my eyes trained on the hem of her dress and started to reach for the fabric gathered at her knees, but she stiffened and put her hand out in a silent request that I let her continue herself. Despite what intimacy we had known for five years, this was an act she wanted to perform alone.

"Would you please turn away?" she asked.

I nodded and moved the chair so that I faced the door, grateful she at least allowed me to sit in the room with her. Despite my affinity for arguing with others I had no desire to challenge Julia in any way.

"I have known for a while," she answered quietly.

"How long?" I whispered back.

It seemed somewhat macabre to want to know the details of her loss, but I wondered if there had been signs I had missed, details I had overlooked, opportunities to deny myself so that her body could rest.

"Since Raoul de Chagny asked to draw up documents for Alex," she said at last.

Her tone revealed much more than a hint of annoyance, although I was not certain if it was because I questioned her or because of the timing of her condition.

"I believe I conceived around the time Christine sang at the fair," Julia continued unbidden.

My jaw tightened at her words, nostrils flared at the marker in time Julia decided to use. If she was correct in her assumptions then she had been with child for almost three months and had not said a single word to me.

With my back to her still, I felt despair rattle through me with each breath. She had secretly carried our child as I pursued answers from Christine. She had known of her condition when she asked for three weeks apart and when her brother came to visit. Weeks of chaos and madness-all my doing-and she had been alone.

"You are upset with me," Julia said. She inhaled sharply and exhaled a ragged breath.

I turned my chair toward her again as she wiped the insides of her thighs with the rag. She paused, the skirt of her dress bunched up against her belly but made no attempt to save her modesty other than turning the angle of her leg.

"I am not upset with you," I said at last. All of the disappointment I felt rested on my own shoulders for my actions.

From the corner of my eye I saw the old family portrait of Julia with Louis and their infant daughter still propped up against the wall. Louis would have been furious with Julia and his rage would have manifested itself in much more than words. I wished I could see his beady, dark eyes one more time, to look at the painting of him and know I was a better man than Louis Seuratti in every way that mattered to Julia and Lisette.

"You did not wish for another child," Julia said, her tone much harsher than I had anticipated. "Perhaps that is why you are not upset."

"Julia," I pleaded.

Our eyes met and she looked at me with a hardened glare that slowly turned to remorse.

"I would not wish for this," I said before she continued. "Not ever. I sincerely hope you know this."

Julia closed her eyes and nodded. Tears slid down her cheeks, and she made no effort to wipe them away. "I am at my worst."

Something about the look on her face, the utter despair and helplessness, reminded me of how she appeared before we had officially met. So many nights I had seen her through the windows and studied her expression before I risked a glance of my reflection in the mirror and saw the same heartache. Feelings became notes, and notes strung together became symphonies people like the carriage driver heard and praised without ever knowing the true meaning.

The melody of heartache hung between us, but I was certain I was the only one who heard it.

I held out the basin for Julia to drop the rag into the water and gave her a clean towel to wipe off her hands. Once she finished, I extended my hand and she accepted, and together we sat quietly.

I thought of how on summer nights when Louis would bellow her name, slam doors shut, and throw her into the walls how Julia rarely said a word back to him. Occasionally she would apologize or ask him to lower his voice, but on most nights I sat in darkness, the lamp light turned down as I stared out the window and followed the violent, degrading exchange.

She looked just as alone as she had when Louis would leave the house for whatever drunken, angry men sought after midnight. Often I had watched her unbraid and brush out her hair before the bedroom went dark and I knew she slipped into bed thankfully alone.

"Julia," I started to say.

Footsteps down the hall signaled Ruby approached the guest room. She tapped lightly on the door and peeked inside. "The physician is still not well, but he is sending his associate. He should be here within the half hour."

Ruby did not make eye contact with either of us as she placed my hair piece and mask on the dresser and gathered up the water basin and used rags.

Julia thanked Ruby before she slipped out of the room once more. Part of me wished she would return and speak with Julia merely so that the silence no longer continued.

With a grunt of discomfort, Julia settled into bed, her back propped up with several pillows. She covered her legs with a blanket and took a sip of water. A forlorn look settled in her hazel eyes, her complexion still quite pale.

"Do you feel any better?" I asked for lack of anything better to say. I felt quite desperate to find a way back in before she shut down, before she shut me out of a place so deep within her heart I wasn't sure I belonged in the first place.

"I feel nothing," she answered simply. Her hand in mine turned limp, her features softened but there was a hollowness about her.

My heart sank. For a long moment Julia stared at a distant point but offered no further conversation. The silence between us ate away at me, the questions swirling in my mind refusing to be ignored.

Her breaths quickened, face contorting as another bout of pain swept over her. With her knees bent, she leaned forward and I gripped her fingers, a silent offering of support.

"This may take hours," Julia said under her breath. Her grip on my hand tightened briefly. "You do not need to stay in here with me."

I understood why men were not permitted with their wives during the birthing process as there was no use for me at Julia's side, and yet I could not imagine retreating to a different part of the house-or leaving all together-as she suffered alone. It felt cowardly to abandon her at such a time. Even so, if she asked it of me, I would reluctantly return to my home and stay with Alex and Lisette until she wished to see the three of us again.

"Would you rather be alone?" I asked.

"I don't know what I want," she said through her teeth.

Silence fell between us again, heavier than before. Her hand lingered over mine, and I internally berated myself for lacking the correct words to tell her how I felt.

"If you would tell me what to do for you-"

"There is nothing for you to do," Julia said sharply, her words cutting through mine.

She made no apology for her harsh tone, which admittedly surprised me. I looked away from her and stared at the mirror over the dresser at her reflection. From the angle of my seat at her bedside I was mostly cut out of the image, but Julia, however, looked exhausted, a sort of bone-weary tired fashion, like every ounce of energy and mirth had been sucked from her soul. Her face twisted in agony and apathy, and for a moment the sight of her took my breath away.

It was a look I had seen before, but never on her face.

As Julia had stated, the process of miscarriage could take many hours still. I was not certain I could survive hours of watching her in silence as she suffered like this.

"I believe it will be worse before it is better." Julia inhaled sharply and I turned toward her and sat up straighter. Her bottom lip quivered, her hazel eyes filled with tears once more.

"Julia," I started again. My voice momentarily abandoned me as I hesitated to confront her. I waited for her to look at me, but she bowed her head and closed her eyes.

"What is it?" she asked weakly.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked.

The words felt forced out of my body, a question I needed to ask but hated to hear her answer as I assumed the fault was entirely mine.

At last Julia settled her gaze on me. Her hand pulled away from mine, and the loss I felt in that moment made me feel as though I had plunged in an endless free fall, pushed out of the life I desired and back into the hopelessness that had always surrounded me.