Chapter 32
Kamil Khan's visit left me truly rattled in a way I did not expect. I stood outside the closed guest room door for a moment and waited for my hands to stop shaking as I had no desire for Julia to see me in such a state.
More than two decades of regret did not easily come to an end, and I struggled with believing his words that Shazeen was in fact alive. What precisely had happened that day had turned muddled, twisted from nightmares that changed ever so slightly until I had no idea what had transpired all those years ago. Given both my mental and physical state back then, I suppose it should not have come as a surprise that her death was not what it had seemed.
I was certain I had found her body in my apartments, but in nightmares she was often at a distance in the garden while I stood on the balcony unable to see if she still breathed. All I knew for certain was there was so much blood it looked as though she had been sent to slaughter, and that, above all else, her death haunted me as I knew she was sickened by the sight of blood.
"He will be here shortly, I am sure of it," Ruby assured Julia.
Ruby's voice shook me from my thoughts and I straightened my waistcoat. I could not bear to leave my wife waiting a moment longer, even if I still felt a strong sense of trepidation after seeing Kamil. I took a breath, knocked lightly on the door, and opened it at once.
The moment our eyes met, Julia smiled and sighed in relief. She reached out to me from where she sat tucked beneath the blankets with several pillows behind her back propping her up. The color had returned to her cheeks despite her still looking exhausted.
"I apologize for keeping you waiting. You were asleep when I checked on you earlier."
Julia merely nodded in reply.
Ruby quietly promised to bring Julia a small meal before she excused herself and shut the door, leaving us alone at last.
Before I approached my wife, I noticed the guest room was spotless. The linens had been changed once again and Julia was wearing a different night dress than I had seen her in hours earlier. If I had not known what she had endured, I would never have guessed how she had suffered.
"Sit with me," Julia requested. Her voice still sounded quite weak, though I assumed that was to be expected.
I obediently took up a seat beside her and leaned forward where I clasped her hand in mine. She felt warmer than before, which I found to be a relief. No words seemed sufficient as I knew there was no reason to ask how she felt. Her features spoke volumes, told of grief and physical pain and loss beyond my comprehension.
Seconds passed, and we sat in silence as I feared saying something that would upset her. The chair beside the bed felt far too distant, and I stood, keeping her hand in mine, and sat on the edge of the bed. The blankets had been warmed, no doubt thanks to Ruby's careful attention to Julia's needs.
The moment I situated myself, Julia unexpectedly flung herself into my arms and I held her, feeling her rigid body tremble against mine. My mouth opened in shock as for all the years I had known her, she was resilient and kept her emotions in far better check than I ever did.
With her arms draped around my neck, I knew Julia needed no words of comfort or sympathy. I raked my fingers through her long, thick hair as she buried her face against my shoulder and breathed hard against my chest. With each deep breath she started to relax, and the way she fit within my arms became familiar. I closed my eyes and realized I would have sat with her for the rest of my life if she asked it of me. My only desire was to be simply what she needed.
"I was so frightened." Julia lifted her head and looked at me with tear-filled eyes. She laced her fingers with mine and gave my hand a firm squeeze. Without a word, I nodded for her to continue.
"I knew last night I was not feeling well, but I thought it would pass. And then when I dressed the children, I knew for certain what was happening, but I did not want to believe it." She shut her eyes and inhaled sharply. "And foolishly I thought it would stop and everything would be fine once more, but these things do not simply go away."
Tears clung to her eyelashes, her face blotchy once more as she opened her red, puffy eyes and attempted to hold back her tears. I reached up and wiped her eyes with my thumb and caressed the shell of her ear.
"All I could think of was how upset Louis had been when I lost our second child."
My lips parted, my grip on her hand loosening enough for her to notice. "Forgive me," I mumbled. "I had no idea you had...experienced this before."
Julia offered a half-hearted smile. "No one did. It was early, only a few weeks where I knew for certain, but I told Louis I was with child in hopes he would…" She paused, gave a shrug, and wiped her eyes. "Treat me with kindness, I suppose."
I knew for certain he was incapable of treating Julia or Lisette for that matter with an ounce of kindness. The fact that his wife had to tell him she was in a family way in order to keep herself safe from him angered me to no end. If I had known of Julia's state, I would have hired an entire staff to wait on her hand and foot. She would have wanted for nothing.
"He kept telling me it had better be a son this time because he could not stand having three bit… three women in his house. And then a week later when it happened, I attempted to keep it a secret since I knew he would be upset with me. He saw me discarding soiled rags, and he knew what had happened. It was the middle of the night and he threw me into the side of the house as if I had miscarried to spite him."
My gaze shot up to meet hers. I knew precisely what she spoke of as their argument-if it could have been called such-woke Alex and I ended up sitting with him in the parlor as he drank warm milk and nibbled on bread and butter until Meg insisted she would care for him.
I had almost stormed out of the house that night, but by the time I started down the street and around the corner the commotion had ceased and Madeline came after me, fearing my involvement in neighborhood affairs. She told me Julia would be horrified if anyone knew what happened behind closed doors and reluctantly I returned home and told Madeline if there was one more such incident I would not be curbed from my actions.
"I should have killed him then," I said without a hint of remorse. Added to my many regrets was allowing him to live another moment.
"You should not say such things."
I grunted. Whether or not I said the words aloud would not change how I felt about that ignorant waste of flesh.
Instead of killing him that night I had waited a week to finally put an end to Julia's living hell. Louis had been merciless in those seven days I allowed him to live, and the entire neighborhood bore witness to her pleading for him to calm down and stop drinking, but nothing would stop his hand from flying or him forcing himself upon her.
From my bedroom window I watched Julia spend the majority of those seven days with Lisette at her side in our back garden while Meg pulled weeds and Alex made a mess digging up plants. They spent hours talking in the shade, but when evening approached, Julia reluctantly returned to the other side of the gate to make supper for her family. Her demeanor changed the moment she heard Louis return for the day, and the fear in her eyes and the way she shrank as she entered her home enraged me.
I could not help but wonder what would have happened if she carried a second child to term as a widow. Perhaps our paths would not have crossed. Perhaps our family would have already consisted of three children.
"That is why you apologized, then? You expected I would be upset with you?"
"I did not know what to expect." She fidgeted with the blanket over her legs and averted her gaze. There was a distance to her despite us sitting side by side, and I knew she thought of Louis. "But there are certain situations that I will never forget no matter how much I try. Surely you understand what I mean."
"You know I do." There had been times when I was younger when my uncle and even Madeline moved quickly-a raised hand meant only as a gesture, a sharp turn to face toward me-and I flinched or turned my head and snapped my eyes shut, fully expecting to be struck. The thoughts came unbidden, a knee-jerk reaction ingrained in my thoughts.
"Julia, please know there has never been a single moment where I ever considered treating you the way he did." I brought her hand to my lips and kissed her fingertips before she settled her hand in her lap. "If I could lessen your pain, if I could carry it for you the rest of my life I would make certain you never suffered a moment longer."
"I know you would. You carry far too much as it is." She ran her fingers lightly down the length of my hand and offered a smile. "I hope you do not take my words as an insult. That was not at all my intention."
"I wish you did not spare another thought on him."
I followed her gaze toward the bedside table and the handwritten instructions Kamil had left. The moment I had entered the guest room and saw Julia again, I had almost forgotten him entirely. I had spent far too many recent days sparing far too many thoughts on him, I knew.
"I regret leaving your side. I apologize if you suffered because of my negligence."
"There is no reason to apologize. The moment Dr. Kahn walked in, Madame and I both froze and he noticed our reservation immediately. He introduced himself at once, asked for my name, and said he knew you from a long time ago. He did not elaborate on your association, but he was quite pleasant."
Her words came as somewhat of a relief.
"Madame will tell you Dr. Kahn was very kind and gentle. There were no false pretenses, and he said if I did not want him to stay, he would send his associate later," Julia assured me.
I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "I spoke with him."
"I heard." Julia shifted in bed and sat back. "Shazeen is alive."
Her words caught me off guard as I had forgotten how often I fell asleep in bed beside or in the parlor late at night and woke shouting a single name. I opened my mouth to speak but nodded instead and turned my attention to the bedside table.
"You are happy she is alive, aren't you?" Julia questioned.
"Relieved," I murmured.
"But something is still wrong?"
"I'm not sure what to think."
"You expect Dr. Kahn will return?"
I nodded.
"Surely you do not still think he is a threat?"
"No," I said, drawing the word out slightly more than I intended. "But I highly doubt he appeared for no other reason than to treat you as his patient."
"He left his card," Julia offered. She leaned over and plucked it from the bedside table, along with the instructions, and handed me both. "Six weeks of care," she said.
I met her eye and found her expression unreadable, but her body somewhat tense once more. "From the moment we first met, you have lead and I have willingly followed. I am fully capable of controlling myself for the next six weeks. I imagine your care will mostly consist of me feeding you grapes and fanning you as you lounge in bed," I said lightly.
She grinned at my words. "I believe Dr. Kahn meant to write seven weeks of care."
Her reply made me chuckle. "Indeed."
"I am glad you are here with me," Julia said. "I did not want to be alone."
It was good to be wanted. I leaned forward and Julia paused, looking me over. She placed one hand against my left cheek and gently pulled my mask up before she cupped my face in her hands and kissed me.
"I am quite obediently yours, Madame Kire."
