[Lincoln, Clyde and Laney are looking around in the attic]

Clyde: "Check this out!" [showing Lori's baby book with a photo of her talking into a toy phone with unusual features] "Our little Lori was born with a pointy head, no hair, and webbed toes." [swooning] "Gosh. She was perfect from day one."

Lincoln: [snaps his friend out of it] "Focus, Clyde. We're supposed to be looking for my birth story."

Me and Varie then came in.

Me: Hey guys.

Lincoln: Hey J.D., Varie.

Varie: What are you guys doing?

Lincoln: "Everyone in our class has to do a report about the day they were born, and tomorrow is my turn. Should be a cinch because Mom and Dad keep detailed baby books for all of us." [shows his sisters' books in order]

Me: Cool.

Varie: Can we take a look?

Laney: Sure.

Me and Varie come up and join them.

Lincoln "Here's Luna's..." [which shows baby Luna with a guitar] "

Me: Music Star from day one. Boy she was adorable.

Lincoln: Here's Lynn's..." [which shows baby Lynn working out with a dumbbell] "

Varie: Boy she was a Strong baby. I can tell she had alot of energy from Day 1.

Lincoln: Here's Lucy's..." [which shows baby Lucy folding her arms and wearing a winter cap hiding her eyes and her photo is a little damaged]

Me: Born into Darkness from Day 1.

Laney: Here's mine... [which was a brighter red book and it shows baby Laney with a paintbrush and with brown paint on her arms and the walls had animals painted on them]

Varie: You're a talented artist from day 1.

Lincoln: "Aha! Here's mine!" [which shows him wearing a white cap similar to Lucy's and holding Bun-Bun.]

Me: You were adorable Lincoln.

Lincoln opens it but finds no pictures.

Lincoln: "Huh. The section for my birth story is blank.'

Varie: That's weird.

Me: Huh. I wonder why.

Lincoln: That's okay. I'm sure Mom and Dad remember it."


[Jump to the parents; Lynn Sr. spits out his coffee on Lincoln]

Lynn Sr.: [flabbergasted] "Your birth story?!"

Me, Varie and Laney were listening from the stairs.

Lincoln: [wipes the spewed coffee off his faces] "Yyyyyeah. It's not in my baby book."

Rita: [uneasy] Uh, that's weird." [chuckles] "What do you wanna know?"

Lincoln: "Well, what time of day was I born?"

[Rita and Lynn Sr. answer at the same time]

Lynn Sr.: "Morning."

Rita: "Night."

Lincoln: [confused] "Okay...how much did I weigh?"

[The parents answer at the same time again]

Lynn Sr.: "Nine pounds."

Rita: [holding up a certain number of fingers] "Seven pounds."

[Lincoln and Clyde look to each other suspiciously]

Lincoln: "What was the doctor's name?"

[Another simultaneous answer]

Lynn Sr.: "Dr. Bernstein!'

Rita: "Dr. Patel!"

Lincoln: "What is going on?"

Parents: [through gritted teeth] "Nothing!"

Lincoln: "At least you agree on that one."


[Lincoln's room]

Lincoln: "That story had more holes than my underwear.

Me: Yeah. Actually it had more holes in it than Swiss Cheese.

Laney: Mom and Dad were very secretive. This is not like them.

Varie: I wonder why.

Me: Whatever it is, its got something to do with Lincoln's birth and it must be very big.

Lincoln: Well, my parents are obviously hiding something, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it!"

Clyde: "No, we are! You're my best bud and future brother-in-law, and I need to know how you came into this world."

Varie: Me too.

Me: Lets do some detective work!


[Lori and Leni's room]

Lincoln: "Hey, Lori, do you remember anything about the day I was born?"

Lori: "Sure. Pop Pop was watching us. A car pulled up and a scientist wearing a mask and gloves stepped out holding you."

Lincoln: [baffled] "A scientist?"

Clyde: [outside the room trying not to see the first born daughter] "Did you say a scientist?"

Lori: "Oh. Hi, Clyde!"

Clyde: [acting like a robot outside] "SYSTEM OVERLOAD. ABORT."

I snap my fingers and he goes back to normal.

Clyde: Thanks J.D.

Me: You're welcome, Clyde. I'll tell you why Clyde does that later, Varie.

Varie: Actually, I think I already figured it out.

[Back in Lincoln's room]

Clyde: "I hate to question my future bride, but that story makes no sense. Scientists don't deliver babies."

Me: Unless they were trained in the fields of genetic and reproductive medical science.

Laney: That's true and Lisa is a scientist.

Lincoln: "Wait a minute! What if that scientist didn't deliver me? What if she created me..." [takes out one of his DVD movies] "...like Larry the Lab-Boy?"

Clyde: "Of course! And it would totally explain the white hair." [flicks Lincoln's cowlick and chuckles]

Lincoln: "Only one thing. Larry had superpowers, and I don't."

Me: Laboratory Experimentation is a definitive cause of people getting superpowers.

Laney: I got my powers because of a mystical artifact.

Me: I was born with superpowers. You all have seen what I can do and I still have more powers to show you.

Varie: I was born with my powers too. But I don't think Lincoln has superpowers either.

Clyde: [intrigued] "Or, do you have superpowers, Lincoln?"

Lincoln and Clyde: "FIELD TEST!"


Clyde: "First up, super strength."

[A bunch of heavy objects are bundled up together over Lincoln's head on a branch]

Laney: I don't know about this Clyde. Lincoln could get hurt.

Lincoln: "Okay, Clyde, let's do this!"

[Clyde cuts the rope and the objects drop right on top of Lincoln who screams in pain, debunking the super strength test.]

I lift the stuff off Lincoln with no problems and set it aside. Clyde and Laney were amazed.

Varie was healing Lincoln with her water powers.

Lincoln: Wow. Varie, I didn't know you can heal people with water.

Varie: It's one of my special abilities. Water is said to be a purifying and healing force.

20 minutes later.

Clyde: "Now that you're upright, let's try testing your super speed.

Me and Lincoln were in racing stances.

Clyde: On your mark, get set, run like the wind!"

[Lincoln takes off and I run faster than a bolt of lightning]

Lincoln, Clyde, Varie and Laney were awestruck.

I came back 3 seconds later soaked in sweat with a tote bag on my shoulder.

Me: Time!

Clyde: 3.54 seconds! Wow! You have super speed J.D.!

Me: Yep.

I pull out some stuff from different countries.

Me: Got you some good stuff from different countries. Clyde, I got you these cool Maracas from Mexico, Laney, I got you this cool Artist Beret from France, Varie, I got you this beautiful necklace from Russia, and Lincoln, I got you this cool Sherpa hat from Nepal.

Clyde: Awesome! Thanks J.D. (Takes his gift)

Laney: Thank you J.D.! (Takes her gift)

Varie gives me a kiss and I put her necklace around her neck. It was beautiful blue diamond heart. (Heart of the Ocean from Titanic)

Lincoln: Awesome! Thanks J.D. (Takes his gift)

Clyde: "I think you just proved to Lincoln that he's definitely not as fast as a boy made in a lab."

Lincoln: "Ah. Let's go check with Leni."


Leni: "I totes remember that day! We were at home waiting to meet you. And then you were carried in by an eagle. Well, off to the mall!" [leaves]

Lincoln: [doubtful] "An eagle? That's crazy!"

Laney: I've heard of storks delivering babies but never Eagles.

Me: The Stork delivering babies was proven to be a myth.

Clyde: "Maybe she said beagle."

Lincoln: "How is that better?" [gets an idea] "Wait a minute!" [gets out another DVD] "Remember this?"

Clyde: "Of course! Erik the Eagle Boy! He was half eagle and half boy. That would explain the white hair." [pulls on the cowlick]

Varie: Lincoln's hair would have to be made of Feathers, Clyde.

Me: Plus, Humans can't lay eggs like chickens. Also, being born in the jungle has been proven to give superpowers.

Lincoln: "True. But Erik could do all that, you know, eagle stuff."

Lincoln and Clyde: "FIELD TEST!"


[A bunch of pillows are on the ground]

Clyde: [into walkie] "McBride to tower, we're ready for take off! Over.

I am in a nearby tree.

Me: [Into Walkie] Tower to McBride, your clear for take off! Over.

Clyde: 1...2...3! Fly, Eagle Boy!" [Lincoln takes off] "Fly like-"

[Lincoln is unable to stay airborne and crashes onto the pillows]

Clyde: [unimpressed] "-a rock."

Laney: Good thing those pillows were there to cushion his fall and I can fly.

Laney floats and flies in the air and does some aerial tricks and stunts.

Lincoln, Clyde and Varie are awestruck.

[The dining room]

Clyde: "Open wide, Eagle Boy. Here's lunch." [holds up a can of worms]

Varie: Ew.

Me: I think I'm gonna be sick.

[Lincoln gulps nervously and tastes a worm. Immediate segue to me and him throwing up in the toilet and the sink]

Laney: That was so disgusting!

Clyde: [thinking] "Hmm. Maybe it was beagle." [holds up a can of food] "How about some turkey giblets and gravy?"

[Lincoln and me get more nauseous and we throw up again]


[We are now talking to Luna about the story]

Luna: "Your birth story? Totally remember it, brah. A car pulled up to the house, and Mom and Dad stepped out holding you."

Lincoln: "Huh. Nothing suspicious about that."

Luna: "And then all these dudes in dark suits and sunglasses jumped out, surrounded the house, and started talking into their watches. It was pretty rad. Later!" [leaves]

Lincoln: "Well, now I'm even more confused.

Clyde: [hands Lincoln another DVD]

Lincoln: "Alan the Alien Boy! Of course! Those guys Luna saw were government agents bringing me to Mom and Dad."

Clyde: "That would explain the white hair."

Me: There's one crucial difference. Alan was either born on another planet or in Area 51. Lincoln was born here in Michigan.

Laney: What's Area 51?

Me: Area 51 is a top secret Government Extraterrestrial Research Facility. It's located in Nevada. It's very Secretive.

Varie: Sounds very suspicious.

Lincoln and Clyde: "FIELD TEST!"


[The hallway in front of the bathroom door]

Clyde: "Alan could open doors with his mind.

Me: People that have Superpowers usually come from Alien Planets. Like Superman from Krypton or Starfire from Tamaran.

Clyde: Let's see what you've got."

[Lincoln tries opening the door using mind powers, and after a few seconds, it does open]

Lincoln, Clyde, Laney, Me and Varie: "It worked!"

[The toilet flushes and out comes Lana with a newspaper]

Lana: "I'd give it a minute before going in there. Whew!"

Me: I can do all that with the Force.

Clyde: "Well, scratch that. The next test is the ability to regenerate lost limbs. Do you have a stick you could bite on?"

Varie: Clyde, we're not cutting off one of Lincoln's arms or legs.

Me: Humans can't grow back their lost limbs like reptiles can.

Lincoln: [reluctant] "Yeah I think it's pretty obvious I'm not an alien."

Laney: Lets move on.


[We are now talking to Luan about it]

Luan: "Well, I was really little, but I do remember how excited we were to finally have a brother. We thought for sure you'd be a girl."

Lincoln: [confused] "Why would you think that?"

Luan: "Mom and Dad already had your room decorated for one. At first, we thought they'd brought home the wrong baby!" [giggles and leaves]

[Dramatic beat]

Lincoln: "Clyde, that's it!" [holds up another DVD] "It's just like Ricky the Wrong Baby Ricky's so-called "parents" wanted a boy so badly, they paid a doctor to switch babies. My parents already had five girls. It makes total sense!"

Me: Lincoln, that's kidnapping and according to the Michigan State Sentencing Guidelines, a person who maliciously, forcibly leads or entices a child under the age of 14 with the intent to detain, conceal the child from a parent or legal guardian can be found guilty of a felony and punished to life in prison.

Clyde: "It would explain the white hair."

Varie: Maybe, but maybe not.

Laney: I don't think our parents would resort to that. That's too extreme.

Lincoln: "Come on, Clyde. We have to get to the bottom of this."

[They rush off]


[We are checking the hospital's birth records online]

Lincoln: "Okay, here are the local birth announcements from the day I was born. We need to find all of these families and see if one of them could be mine."

Me: That's like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

Varie: Yeah. It could be any one of them.

Laney: I don't think this is a very good idea guys.

Me: We won't know until we try.

Clyde: "Great plan, Lincoln." [suddenly concerned] "Or, I mean, whatever your name really is." [sighs] "This is gonna be an adjustment."


[Elsewhere, we are hiding in a bush]

Lincoln: "Okay guys, first house on the list!"

[They spy a family of blondes with their kid being a tall girl]

Clyde: "Maybe you were switched with that really tall girl." [The parents stand up to reveal to be just as tall as she is]

Lincoln: Or maybe not.

Me: That family is really tall.

Laney: Wow. They could be basketball stars.

Lincoln: "Next!"

[We head off to the next house and spy on a family with a father with a hairdo like Lincoln's and a girl with a familiar laugh]

Lincoln: "Hey! That girl laughs just like Luan! She must be a Loud, and I must belong in that family!"

[The family reveals to have long noses]

Clyde: "Or maybe not.

Varie: Nope. Their noses are too long.

Lincoln: Next.

[The next family is gardening on their front lawn]

Lincoln: "Maybe she's the one! She's into dirt, just like Lana."

[The family takes off their gardening hats and reveal to have red curly hair]

Clyde: "Or not."

Me: Nope. They have red hair.

Varie: Next.

[The next family's lawn is filled with cacti, which Lincoln pokes out of in pain]

Lincoln: "Ow! I hate these drought-resistant lawns!"

Me: I know. They hurt.

Laney: Yeah. Bad.

Clyde: "I sure hope it's not this house, because we'd be going to different schools. Just thinking about that makes my feet sweat."

[A car horn honks and is parking in the driveway]

Lincoln: "I wouldn't worry about it, Clyde. With the luck we're having-"

[The parents reveal to have white hair]

Lincoln: "Gah! The white hair!"

Me: Well I'll be a monkeys uncle!

[The daughter they have reveals to look eerily familiar]

Lincoln: "And look at her hair! It looks just like Lori's!"

Me: She Looks like a younger verson of Lori.

[Clyde takes off his shoe and lets out all the sweat that his feet let out in a saddened state]

White-haired woman: "What does everyone want for dinner?"

White-haired family's daughter: [excited] "Spicy subs! Spicy subs!"

Lincoln: "Hair like Lori's, plays guitar like Luna, eats like Lynn...that girl is a Loud!"

Varie: She is definitely a Loud.

Laney: Just when you think you know some people.

Clyde: [in heartbroken denial] "We don't know that!" [sniffles, sighs, and wrings out his sock]

Lincoln: "Let's face it, Clyde. Those white-haired people are my real parents. I'm gonna have to move here and start my life all over."

Clyde: "You can't! How are we gonna stay best friends? Do walkie-talkies even reach this far? Will your new parents even let me sleep over?" [starts hyperventilating into his paper bag]

Varie: (Slaps Clyde) Pull yourself together Clyde! You're spiraling!

Clyde: Thanks Varie. I needed that.

Lincoln: "[angry] "Now I have some choice words for my so-called parents!"


[Back at the Loud House, Lincoln steps in front of his parents and cracks his neck a little]

Lynn Sr.: "Can we help you, son?"

Lincoln: [incredulous] "Son. That's an interesting choice of words."

Clyde: [pops up from behind the armchair's left arm] "Yeah!"

[The Loud parents look at Clyde confused and he just waves to them]

Rita: "Is there something wrong, guys?"

Lincoln: "Yes. I know my real birth story."

Lynn Sr.: [shocked] "You do?!"

Lincoln: "Yep. You really had another girl, but you didn't want another girl, did you? You wanted a boooyyy! So, what did you do? You paid off the hospital to look the other way, then you made the ol' switcheroo with some poor unsuspecting family across town! What do you have to say for yourselves?"

Clyde: "Yeah! For shame!"

Me: Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!

[The parents take a second and start laughing]

Lincoln: [sarcastic] "Oh, I'm glad you find ruining my life funny."

[The parents are still laughing and soon Rita stops]

Rita: "We're sorry, honey." [nudges her husband to stop] "We don't mean to laugh. It's just that you're way off base."

Lynn Sr.: "Oh, Lincoln, of course you're our son. Why don't you sit down? It's time you know the real story of your birth."

[Lincoln sits down, as does Clyde, Laney, Me and Varie]

Lynn Sr.: "Okay, you too, guys."

Rita: "Well, the day you were born got off to a pretty normal start. My water broke, we called Pop Pop, he came over to watch your older sisters..."

Lynn Sr.: "I drove your mother over to the hospital in Vanzilla, but not surprisingly, she broke down." [realizing what he said] "Uh, the van, not your mother. And that's when things stopped being normal."

[Flashback to that day with Lynn Sr. calling for a ride]

Rita: [narrating] "We were afraid you were going to be born on the side of the road, but thankfully, a black limo pulled up."

[The window rolls down to Lynn Sr.'s request]

Lynn Sr.: [narrating] "Could have knocked me over with a feather, it was the President and the First Lady! When I told them what was going on, they offered to give us a ride to the hospital."

[Lynn Sr. gets in, remembers his wife and brings her over. She is surprised to see who it is]

Rita: [narrating] "Everything was looking fine again, but you weren't a very patient baby. We weren't going to make it to the hospital. You were going to be delivered by the President, until he passed out. Then the First Lady took over."

[The action shown during the narration is shown as told. End flashback]

Lynn Sr.: "What an amazing woman. She was so cool under pressure."

Rita: "Of course, you had to hear that from me, since you were passed out, too."

Lynn Sr.: "That's not how I remember it."

Rita: "Anyway, she delivered you right there in the limo. When we saw you for the first time..." [sighs] "...our hearts just melted."

I was amazed.

Me: Wow! Lincoln that is considered a major league honor.

Varie: Boy, That's quite a revelation.

Laney: President George W. Bush delivered my big brother? Incredible!

Lynn Sr.: "The reason we never told you was because the President-" [pauses and whispers] "...because the President was heading to his top secret safe house in Royal Woods. No one knows about it, and no one can."

Rita: "We had to sign an agreement saying we'd never discuss it."

Me: Now I understand. You couldn't tell Lincoln because you both were sworn to secrecy.

Lynn Sr.: That's right.

Lincoln: [amazed] "Wow! That's amazing! But wait. Somethings still don't make sense. Luan said you decorated my room for a girl. It sure sounds like you were expecting one."

Rita: "We already had five girls. We were just using the baby stuff we had."

Varie: Oh you couldn't afford baby stuff for a boy because of a tight budget.

Rita: That's right, Varie.

Lincoln: "What about the men in black suits and sunglasses that Luna told me about?"

Lynn Sr.: "They were secret service."

Me: Oh wow. They work for the United States Department of Homeland Security.

Rita: That's right, J.D.

Lincoln: "Lori said there was a scientist in gloves and a mask."

Lynn Sr.: "That was the First Lady. She got that stuff from the first aid kit in the car."

Laney: Boy, First Lady Laura Bush knew what to do didn't she?

Rita: She sure did sweetie.

Lincoln: "Okay, but what about what Leni said, that was I carried by an eagle?"

Me: Which I found to be totally Farfetched.

Rita: "Mm, you were wrapped in a blanket with the presidential seal on it."

Lynn Sr.: "In fact..."

[He goes to the corner of the room, tears off a piece of the carpet, reveals a secret compartment with a briefcase, takes out the briefcase, opens it, and reveals the aforementioned blanket]

Lincoln: [convinced] "Holy cow! I can't believe it! I was delivered by the First Lady!"

Me, Laney and Varie Salute the Presidential Seal.

Clyde: "I believe she's referred to as FLOTUS. Lincoln, wait until you tell this story to our class! It's totally gonna blow away the story about Liam's water birth!"

Rita: "Sorry, sweetie, but you can't tell your class. Remember? It's top secret."

Lincoln: [disappointed] "Oh. Right."

Me: That's right, Lincoln. This is a huge government secret. Once Mr. Lynn and Ms. Rita told us this, we too became sworn to secrecy as well. We cannot tell anyone, PERIOD.

Laney: You have our word that we won't tell a soul mom and dad.

Varie: We won't tell anyone.

Rita: Thank you, guys.

Lynn Sr.: "Sorry about that, son."

Lincoln: "It's okay, Dad. I'm just glad you can still call me that."

Rita: "Aw."

Lynn Sr.: "Bring it in, kiddo."

[Lincoln and his parents hug it out]

Clyde: [crying with happiness] "It's just too beautiful." [before he can blow his nose in the blanket, I take it and replace it with a handkerchief and he blows his nose in it]

Me: Sorry about that, Clyde but this Blanket is very important.

Lynn Sr.: "Yeah. This is a piece of American history."

I hand the blanket to Mr. Lynn.


[We are reading comic books in Lincoln's room]

Clyde: "It's great we know the truth, Lincoln. But we still haven't solved the mystery of your white hair."

Lincoln: "True." [thinks] "Wait a minute!" [picks up another DVD] "I think I have the answer." [shows it to us]

Clyde: "Of course! Ron the Radioactive Boy! His hair turned white after that gamma ray explosion!"

Lincoln: "But he also got all those weird mutant abilities."

Me: Nuclear Radiation is one of the most prominent causes of getting superpowers.

[The boys are inspired for another...]

Lincoln and Clyde: "FIELD TEST!"

Laney: (to the viewers) Here we go again. (winks at the screen and it Iris in)

THE END.

My 7th Fanfiction is complete.

What I said about government secrets is true. We do not want another Edward Snowden situation.

Also if you read this Kinghammer Publishing, I think I gave you your next idea.

This turned out to be a really good one for me.

Until next time, J.D. signing off

Superman and Starfire mentions belong to DC Comics.

Laney belongs to Kinghammer Publishing on

Heart of the Ocean diamond and Titanic mention belong to James Cameron, Paramount Pictures, Lightfoot Studios and 20th Century Fox.