Not Attracted
Have you ever looked at someone for the first time and felt that they were so frustrating?
Eight years ago, I felt that way with one person. Until now, I have always felt that way about him, and it seems that feeling exacerbates every day.
"Rukawa."
Monday morning, around 8.00 a.m., Akagi, Head of IT Department, my immediate supervisor, greeted me from behind while I was waiting for the elevator to go to the fifteenth floor where my office was. I put a faint smile on my lips to look polite and greeted him with a bowed, a way of showing respect to someone as he was more senior than me.
"Good morning, Akagi-Senpai."
"Morning. You're early today."
"Yes," I answered shortly. Normally, I arrive at work around this time every day. This was not earlier than usual at all, but I did not say anything about it because deep down inside I knew that Akagi was only trying to make a polite conversation to fill in the silence. I was not good at making conversations with people I was not acquainted with, so I just played along.
"Today we have new interns. The manager will inspect our department too. I explicitly instructed those tardy guys last Friday to come in early today. I don't know if they listened to me." Akagi went on, but I did not look at him because my eyes were fixed on a big, tall man in black shirt and gray slacks who was walking into the building.
I unknowing knitted my eyebrows with each other while I was looking at the incoming guy walking into the café on the ground floor to the office building. He leaned toward the counter and ordered a coffee from a young female barista. From where I was, I could not see any facial expressions on the guy's face, but I did not need to see his expressions to know what his face looked like. I knew very well what facial expressions he wore.
No matter how many years went by, he had only one face, a flirtatious face.
"At least one has come already." I said while signaling with my eyes to the café. Akagi followed my eyesight and sighed with relief.
"Oh, he's in? What a relief! I was worried about him the most. You know, Sendoh is always late on Mondays." Akagi muttered while shaking his head with some kind of realization to accept the reality while I continued looking at Sendoh ordering his coffee. It was not until the elevator doors opened that I stopped looking at him and walked into the elevator with Akagi to go up to the office.
My name is Kaede. Rukawa Kaede. I will be twenty-seven years old in a few months. I work as a graphic designer at a private company in the downtown area. My current relationship status is single. I just broke up with my latest lover a month ago.
Before that, I broke up with the previous one half a year ago, and another one before that, about a year ago.
Most people would categorize me as one of the good to a very good-looking person. Since the beginning of my high school years, people have constantly hit on me even though my human relations skills have always been far below average. I do not like people coming into my life much. Nonetheless, people constantly come into my life, those who directly approach me and those who give gifts to me through acquaintances. The latter are the ones I do not care about at all since I have a motto: if you want to know me directly, not through someone else.
Although there have been many people hitting on me, I am not the kind of person who gets serious with just anyone. It takes me a considerable amount of time to consider those who approach me before agreeing to enter into a relationship. However, even though I think I have learned enough about the person I decided to have a relationship with before getting serious, I have never had a relationship that lasted longer than half a year.
This is least to say that I get bored easily, but there were always other reasons that made me break up with those men.
Yes. I am a man who is attracted to men, or as people call, a gay.
In 2020, homosexuality is not so unusual in society anymore. I went to an all-boys school and later found out, when I was not attracted to girls. Every partner I have ever had were men. Over the past decade, I have had many boyfriends. I am not sure what other people would think of the way I change my boyfriends as often as other people change their vehicles engine oil, but for me, it is not something I am proud of at all.
"Good morning, Rukawa Kaede." Mitsui, an older colleague from the Sales Department, greeted me in a sweet tone as soon as I scanned my employee card to open the door into the office.
"Morning." I nod at him to greet him even though I desperately wanted to walk away. Mitsui is one of those who always presented me drinks or snacks through other people, but I have a big rule regarding getting into a relationship, which is that I will never, ever, under any circumstances, get into a relationship with anyone from my office because I would not want to feel awkward if we had to break up at some point. But that is not the main reason why I do not feel that way with Mitsui- I am not attracted to him because I happen to learn that he already has someone he has been talking to.
He already has someone and still has the audacity to flirt with me! I absolutely hate people like this!
"I've already given something to Fujima to give to you, Rukawa. Enjoy." Mitsui spoke while glancing flirtatious at me.
I nodded grudgingly and rushed over to the IT Department's office. When I arrived at my desk, I saw a glass of lime tea on it.
"What's this?" I turned to ask a tall, slender man who was sitting next to desk that I was approaching.
"It's yours. Mitsui wanted me to give it to you." Fujima, who is my colleague, best friend and former roommate during my university years, answered while nodding to that glass of lime tea.
"It's all yours!" I pushed the lime tea over to him without looking back at it. Fujima's tapering eyes sparkled a bit, but he still persisted.
"Hey, he gave it to you. At least you should take a slurp."
"I don't accept anything from strangers." I answered while turning to my computer and turning it on. Fujima grabbed my lime tea and slurped it.
Fujima is the only person I can confidently call my bestfriend. We met each other on the day of the interview screening test at the University. Fujima has light skin and is around a few centimeters shorter than me. He has a beautiful face. The most prominent feature on his face would be his puffy white cheeks which are evidence of how much he enjoys eating.
Fujima is humorous, outgoing and a little considerate. This is the opposite of me- I am introverted and a bit irritable and do not care how others think about me. Even though our characters are practically contrary to each other, we have become bestfriend. However, since Fujima is like that, friends, older colleagues and younger colleagues usually give things to me through him.
I have told him many times not to accept those gifts to me, but he said that if he had not accepted them, he would have been afraid that he and I might have gotten into trouble with those people who had offered them. Those are people we know, acquaintances and colleagues that we might eventually end up needing their help. In the end, I have to let him be my courier even if I do not like the idea at all.
"Won't you give in to him? He has been trying to hit on you for over two months already." Fujima turned to me to emphasize his point.
I scoffed softly in my throat. I do not like those who say they like me but do not approach me directly to begin with, and I especially do not like those who flirt around and use my friend as a courier.
"You know I don't date people who work with me. Things can get complicated."
"Right, the same motto as Sendoh's. You guys are so..."
"Who gossips about me this early in the morning?" said a low, hoarse voice. As I heard that voice, dissatisfaction immediately crossed my face.
Speaking of the devil.
The big, tall guy who had flirted with the barista ten minutes earlier was walking into the department's office. This is Sendoh, Fujima's bestfriend since kindergarten. He works in the same department as me, but he is a programmer. Cutting the prejudice out, I would say that he is a great-looking guy, but his tapering eyes with their outer corners slightly tapering up makes him look fierce when he is not smiling. His wide shoulders which are the results of working out and his body height of about four centimeters taller than mine make every woman in the company consider him the man of theirs dreams. Of course, this judgement has been based solely on his looks, because of his characteristics...
He looks cool, but, he is hot-tempered actually, infuriating, sometimes bad-mouthed and super flirtatious. He is so flirtatious that he practically goes out with a different woman every week.
His dark blue-colored eyes glanced into mine as he was walking toward his desk. His lips immediately formed a smirk that got on my nerves.
This friend of my bestfriend was the one I had felt that we would not get along in the least since we first met.
"Yours is on your desk, Sendoh." Fujima informed Sendoh while pointing to a gift bag on the desk.
Sendoh always has gifts sent to him from women in the company through Fujima as well. The difference is that I never care for those gifts, but Sendoh who claims to have a motto of not dating anyone from the same company as me does exactly the opposite with the gifts.
"Who is this from?"
"Sandara. A new employee. Accounting."
"Oh, the one with pink cheeks? She's cute."
He says he does not date anyone in the same company, but when someone gives him a gift, he just receives it and even gives out sensous looks as if he is ever interested in them.
"Tasted good, but way too sweet. You can have it." He said after taking two or three bites into a pieces of brownie from the Accounting girl and putting the bag with the rest of the brownies on Fujima's desk.
"Rukawa, you want some?" My bestfriend is so generous. He even offered me some brownies.
I glanced at the cake that looked overly sweet that it might have made my throat sore shortly and turned back to my computer screen. "Go ahead."
"Suit yourself."
I saw Fujima smile widely and quickly put the snack bag into the drawer as if he was afraid that I might change my mind just like a child who did not want to share his snacks with anyone. That looked kind of funny to me.
Fujima is easygoing. He never overthinks. All he cares about is food. He is so harmless that some people like to take advantage of him somehow.
The company's graphic designers consist of me, Fujima and an other colleague named Sakuragi, who is the company's owner's cousin. However, the ones who really work are only Fujima and me. Sakuragi Hanamichi usually just disappears and never takes responsibility for his work. Whenever he feels like taking a day off, he just takes off and leaves his work for Fujima to finish. Even though I try to prevent it, I cannot always save my friend. Sometimes, what I can do for Fujima is just to work overtime alongside him.
It is a painful to admit that sometimes we have to tolerate high-ranking people in the company taking advantage of us so that in the future we can stay out of trouble in the company. No matter how talented you are, if you have problems with the company owner's relatives, you may find yourself in a difficult position in the organization.
The working world is cruel like this.
"This morning, I met Takenori Akagi when I was coming up to the office. He told me that a new batch of interns is starting today." I said to Fujima who was chewing a piece of brownie. He sighed right away. I could understand why he put on such a boring look. It was because training an intern was like taking a wager. One year you might get lucky and get a good intern who can help lessen your burden, but another year you might get a slow learner who just burdens you even more.
"Last year, I took care of an intern, so this year, it's your turn." Fujima quickly turned to me and said.
"Whatever," I agreed easily. Last year, Fujima was already a mentor taking care of the intern. It was only fair that I would take responsibility this year. Takenori Akagi already gave me the interns profiles last week. Judging from the intens GPAs and their portfolios, I think it might be a lucky year for me.
"Normally, you don't agree to do anything this easily, right, Rukawa?" He narrowed his eyes, and that made me smile without knowing it because I found his suspicion amusing, but before I could say anything to reply to that question, a voice from the desk behind us chimed in.
"Rukawa has seen the intern's profile. It's the soon-to-be honorary colleague, so he's keeping him for himself."
"Shut up!" I turned to him. Sendoh looked back at me, raised an eyebrow and smiled mockingly at me. I took a deep breath, trying to suppress the irritation before turning back to my desk. Fujima, who was sitting next to me immediately smiled sheepishly and rolled his eyes as he was utterly dumbfounded.
I am Fujima's bestfriend from our university years while Sendoh is Fujima's bestfriend from their kindergarten years, so this put Fujima in the middle position. I know the fact that Sendoh and I do not get along and it upstes Fujima a bit, but I cannot help it. I do not like Sendoh, and Sendoh never stops getting on my nerves. It has always been like this since I first met him. It has been many years, but nothing has ever changed.
It might not have been this bad. At least, I might not have disliked Sendoh as much had it not been the first time we met in that terrible situation.
I first met Sendoh when we were sophomores at the university. The place was a bar.
That day, I, in my nineteenth year, just found out that my boyfriend whom I had been dating since freshman year had cheated on me with the most popular girl from the Faculty of Accountancy. I had always trusted my boyfriend and had given to this relationship more than I had ever given to any other relationship. I had never expected that it would end up with him dumping me for someone else like my past boyfriends. I was so hurt that I sought consolation in alcohol.
I decided to go to the bar alone. I remembered that on that day I constantly drank while sneering at my stupidity that had let me be fooled for a long time. There were people coming to clink their glasses with mine to drink from time to time, but I was not in the mood to talk to anyone.
In the dazing colorful lights and loud music, I felt that someone's gaze had been fixed upon me for some time. At first, I did not care to see who it was, but as time passed and that person had not turned away from me, I lost my patience and turned around to see who it was.
He was a guy not far from my age: maybe one year old than me. Well, dressed and good-looking. As soon as he saw me turn around to look at him, his lips formed a small smile, his relax eyes sparkled, and his gaze upon me carried an underlying message. I was not so innocent that I could not see through men's gazes. I knew in which way he interested in me, and that almost made me want to ridicule my love life by walking up to him and drinking with him.
I would have if it had not been because the next second I saw him holding a beautiful girl in his arms.
I observed them for a while. When I saw that girl poked his arm and saw him look back at her, I also saw that they were so intimate that they kissed there, and I scoffed.
I turned somewhere else. Any interest in him I had had earlier suddenly turned into a dislike.
He already had someone and still had eyes on other people. How disgusting.
I stopped paying attention to him and continued drinking. A while later, I needed to use the restroom, so I got off the chair and headed toward the bar's restroom. The alcohol made me totter, but I still managed to bring myself to the restroom and take care of myself.
As I was making my way back from the restroom, I suddenly lost my balance. I staggered and was about to fall down when a hand grabbed my arm to steady me right before I actually fell down.
"Be careful," uttered a low, rasping unfamiliar voice.
I looked up to see whose hand had helped me. Then I frowned when I saw that he was the same guy who had looked at me when I had been drinking earlier.
"Thank you," I said. Even if I did not like him, I still kept my manner to thank him for his help.
I tried to get my arm out of his grasp, but the thick hand of the person who was a few centimeters taller than me grabbeda hold of my arm and did not let go and pulled me near him. His lips formed a smile. It looked charming and dangerous at the same time.
"Are you sure you can walk? Do you want me to take you to your table?" he asked, but I shook my arm out of his hand. My dizzy eyes were fixed on him with displeasure.
"Don't bother!" I shouted and walked away. I headed out of the bar. There went my mood to drink.
I had to drink because an unfaithful guy had cheated on me, and to make things worse, at the bar, I had to meet a multi-timing flirt.
What a sick joke my life could be.
I had thought I would never see that man again. It was until two months later that I saw Fujima standing with someone downstairs of the dorm building. I was taken aback a little bit once I saw the other guy's face as I remembered he was the same man I had met at the bar that night. Fujima introduced him as his bestfriend whom he had known since kindergarten. His name was Sendoh Akira. His gaze toward me implied that he remembered me as well.
"Nice to meet you." Sendoh smiled at me. His relax eyes were the same as that night at the bar. They sparkled like those who liked to flirt. His smile somehow infuriated me.
I uttered a soft acknowledging sound and excused myself to go up to my room, letting Fujima continue talking to his friend. I must admit that I hold prejudice against Sendoh because I dislike flirts. My father had a mistress, he fought with my mother and finally got divorced. My exes had broken up with me because they were insatiable.
But that was just my bestfriend's friend. He did not go to the same university, and we might not meet each other that often, so I did not have to think too much about this.
However, I did not in the least bit expect that after graduation, Sendoh and I would work together in the same company.
I applied for the job here because Fujima persuaded me to, but he did not tell me that Sendoh also worked here. At first, I was a bit surprised that I met him again after so many years, and since I did not feel that we clicked, I tried not to talk to him that much. Still, Sendoh did not think like me. The clearer I was that I did not want to be around him, the more he tried to infuriate me every single day.
I tried to let the irritation go for Fujima's sake. I did not want to upset Fujima that his two best friends did not get along, but Sendoh did not cooperate with me, he liked to infuriate and win. The more he saw that I was upset, the more he tried to infuriate me, and I was not the kind that could sit still and let him pick on me. Ever since I started working at this company almost three years ago, the relationship between Sendoh and I had always been like this.
And it might continue to be like this forever as long as he did not stop bugging me.
It was nine o'clock, half an hour after the start of the working hour. The managing director and Akagi took the new intern into our office to introduce him to us. I considered the new intern that would be under my supervision in front of the office. The big, tall guy in a brown coat introduced himself as Maki. He was not bad, even his face looks a bit old, I guess. Women in the department cheered softly because his smile and polite-looking eyes looked as though he was from an old noble family. But what struck my mind was that he stared in my group's direction.
I glanced over at Fujima who was sitting next to me and tried to put my head up to take a better peek at the men in front of the office. My hunch told me that Maki was looking at my friend.
"Anyway, please look after the intern. And who is his supervisor?" the managing director asked.
I was about to raise my hand, but a deep rasping voice suddenly answered before I got a chance.
"This year, it's Fujima Kenji responsibility, sir."
I turned to the person who just answered the managing director. Sendoh raised his eyebrow toward Fujima, who was shocked; and turn to me to mock me with a smile.
What the heck is wrong with him this time?
Since there were superiors in the office at the time, I decided to stay silent and let things go. After the superiors left, we would talk about it.
When the managing director finished getting Maki settled down, Akagi led Maki to our group. As that men got nearer, I became certain that his eyes for my friend were full of tenderness- the looks were tenderer than anyone would give to someone whom they just met for the first time. This just confirmed my hunch that this men was interested in my friend.
"Make yourself at home. Oh, and I'm not your supervisor. My friend was just fooling around. Your supervisor is..."
"We told the manager already. Let's stick with it. You supervise him." I told Fujima whose lips parted in awe.
This friend of mine is too naïve, so I am usually worried that others may approach him with ulterior motives. However, after some consideration, I could give Maki the benefit of the doubt and let him be under Fujima's supervision because I could see that this men seemed really interested in Fujima. Anyway, Fujima did not have any significant other. I did not want to hold any prejudice against Maki and be too pessimistic about him, so I let him get closer to Fujima.
"You should take him up, Fujima, so you will have someone to help you out with your work." My nemesis voiced his agreement.
That sentence made my eyebrows flex. I thought from that moment onwards, I would have to keep an eye on Maki all the time. Even though his eyes seemed sincere, I still did not want to trust him completely. With people today, what you see is not always what you get. Especially when Sendoh looked enthusiastic to hand over this guy to Fujima, it really worried ke strangely.
I did not know if he had something up his sleeves again.
All day long, while working, I kept an eye on Maki. I had had my share of experience in love, so I was able to tell that Maki tried to approach Fujima all the time, and it became even more apparent when he offered to give Fujima a ride to his home.
"My home is in Kainan, and I have a car. Since Kainan district isn't far from Shoyo, I can give you a ride every day, Fujima."
"Oh, no, no, I don't want to bother you."
"It's no bother at all. Before I arrive at Kainan, I have to passed by Shoyo first. I can give you a ride."
"But I think..."
"Go with him, Fujima. You always say that the train tickets is getting more expensive now, right? Here is how you can save up your money." Sendoh encouraged him again, so he became reluctant, and in the end, he agreed to ride home in Maki's car.
I said goodbye to Fujima and Maki and walked to the parking lot in the building with the tall person that I did not get along with, walking and merrily humming a tune in front of me. The more I looked at him, the more upset I became.
I hurried to catch up with him before opening a conversation.
"What in the world are you doing?" I asked him intensely.
Sendoh, who was unlocking his car which was parked next to my red Toyota Yaris, turned to me and answered me with a question, looking innocent.
"I am unlocking my car. Why?"
Look at him. How infuriating he is!
"I mean what were you trying to do by telling the manager that Fujima supervises Maki and encouraging Maki to give Fujima a ride to his home?" I took a deep breath, trying to ignore that senseless answer.
He smiled cunningly while walking toward me.
"Why? You're interested in him?"
"Ridiculous. What do you think you're doing?" I started to bawl.
"Calm down, Mr. Kaede. If you're too stressed, you'll get wrinkles."
"Akira!" I had had it with him and called his name, but he glittered with a smile as if he was satisfied to see me getting furious.
"Rukawa, you look cute when you're angry. Hahaha."
His thick hand patted on my shoulder. I shook him off, but he grabbed a hold of my shoulders and pushed me until my back hit the car door. Then, he got closer to me and put both of his arms on the car, blocking me between his arms.
"Don't get angry." He said with a grin while moving his head near me.
My eyes widened and stared at him immediately.
"Shh. I can't get close to you, huh? You always reserve yourself."
He said while I tried to push him away. Although, the parking lot was quite dark, I did not want anyone to see us and start a weird rumor. Besides, I did not ever want to be near him at all.
"Back off!" I uttered coldly and pushed his shoulders, but he did not budge the least bit and even moved his face so close to me that the tip of his prominent nose caressed the base of my ear.
"About Maki, I noticed that he was interested in Fujima, so I gave him a little push. That's all." The infuriating voice whispered softly next to my ear, but then I was taken aback by the following sentence.
"But that's not my main reason."
"..."
"In fact, Maki is stunning men, so I don't want him anywhere near you."
His dark blue eyes that were sparkling with playfulness locked with my eyes shortly before moving to my lips intentionally. I pressed my lips together when I heard what he said.
"I got jealous."
If any girl saw his face at this moment, she would surely blush and would be at a loss with shyness, but not me who had known him for many years. I knew well that he was doing this for no other reason except...
"Such exasperation!"
I pushed his shoulders with all my might and opened the car door forcefully. Sendoh staggered. When he could balance himself, he stood and laughed next to my car. Upon seeing that, I started the car and drove out of the parking lot.
In our twisted relationship where I do not like him, we automatically know each other's habits and personalities. Sendoh is a flirt who knows exactly what to say and knows how to exercise his charms. Several times, he does something like this to get on my nerves because he knows darn well how much I dislike flirts.
I have never believed his words. Sendoh does not like me in that way. He even has never really liked anyone in that way. I may never have had a relationship that lasted long, but I got serious with everyone I have ever dated. That is not the case with Sendoh. He just flirts around all the time and never gets serious with anyone. Once he gets bored with his date, he just dumps her, just like what my exes did.
Without knowing it, I grasped the steering wheel so tightly that my knuckles turned pale. When I glanced into the rear-view mirror, I saw Sendoh's black Honda Civic following me. He stopped his car beside mine at the stop sign. A short while later, my phone which I had put on the console chimed with an incoming message notification.
'You blushed so much that you have to drive away, Mr. Kaede?'
Blushed my butt!
I turned off my phone while I glanced over ar the car next to mine. His car windows were laminated with black film, so I could not see inside, but I could imagine his irritating smirk.
I would never be friendlier with such an infuriating man like this.
Never!
will be continued...
