The Thing Called Weakness
Since I was a child, I have always lived alone.
I am the only child in a middle-class family. My father is a police officer. My mother is a company employee. This sounds like a normal family. As the only child, in my childhood, I should have been my parents' beloved child. I should have been well pampered, I should have been happy like other kids my age had it not been for the problems in my parents' marriage that made them fight seriously. I was not even ten years old, and I just stood quivering in shock to see my parents shouting at each other almost every single day.
An elementary school kid like me did not understand adults that much, but I caught a few things about which they were fighting. My father had cheated on my mother with a new woman. When my mother found out, she made a fuss, fought with him and cried begrudgingly. Eventually, after half a year of witnessing my parents fight every day when I returned from school, they finally got divorced and separated.
Actually, they had been thinking of getting divorced since the first month that my mother found out about my father's affair, but they did not get divorced right away because they had me as an obstacle. I would have had to be under someone's care, and they just could not agree on who I should have been with- each of them wanted the other to take me- and my father ended up being free while my mother had to take the burden of raising me.
The day my mother took me out of my father's house, my father looked especially happy and did not even bother to look at me. Since then I have never seen him again, and I think he would be happy to not have to see me again too.
My mother and I started a new life in a small apartment in the heart of the city. My father never sent us any money to support us. It was only my mother who had to be responsible for all the expenses. It must have worn her out considerably to earn a living to raise me, so she often vented off her dissatisfaction by scolding me. I just sat there and listened quietly. I did not dare to say anything because I was afraid that she would hate me. A child under ten right then was afraid to be abandoned, so I tried to be a good boy, study hard and make her proud of me.
I only had my mother and I did not want her to abandon me as my father had.
I lived with my mother for around a year. Then one day, she came back from work with a man whom I had never seen. That man told me to call him 'dad', and my mother told me that that man was the one she would marry.
One year after her divorce, she remarried and started a new life. I moved into my stepfather's house which was a three-story attached house in the suburbs which was unlike the apartment where I lived with my mother in the city. At first, I was very happy because I thought that once she became happy, she would talk to me nicely unlike before. However, I was too naïve, I thought too highly to myself.
My mother never scolded me again. No, in fact, she was not interested in me ever again, and it became even more obvious when she had a baby with my stepfather. Right then, I was in the eighth grade and I clearly understood what I was to my mother.
A scar from the old life? A parasite? More or less.
She never cared how late I got horne, where I went or who I was with. She only cared about her new husband and her new daughter. My half-sister was so adorable then. As for me, I had just got into an all-boys middle school, and I just started to figure out that I was not interested in girls.
"Who's that?!" My mother yelled when I arrived home on the back of a boyfriend's motorcycle.
I hesitated for a while before answering, "A friend."
"What kind of friends hold hands that long? Do you think I'm dumb?!"
She did not in the least bit believe me. I could not blame her because no matter how you looked at it, we really did not look like just friends anyway.
"I've never taught you to be a homo pervert like this! Kaede, you are a boy! There are lots of girls in this world. Why don't you like them?! Do you ever think how humiliated your father and I will be when people see you like this? Stop being crazy, and break up with him now!"
This was not the only time my mother lost her temper with me. I could just stand still there, feeling empty. Ever since she got married the second time, this seemed to be the first and only thing that she cared for regarding me.
She could not accept the fact that her only son liked another boy. Every day, she gave me trash talk and ordered me to break up with my boyfriend, but as a fourteen-year-old, I was fully rebellious. No matter how hard my mother tried to lecture me, I did not bother to change because I just could not stop feeling the way I felt either.
My relationship with her has derailed from then on.
I was still lucky that she was not all that mean to the child she gave birth to- she still paid my tuition fee but just did not care enough to ask me how I was or how I felt. Except for a few times that she bluntly reiterated that I should behave myself and not cause my stepfather any trouble. I never got any signs of care whatsoever from my mother. It was my stepfather instead that showed me care. And the older I got, the more he cared.
He cared for me too much.
Honk! Honk!
The sound of the horn from a car behind me took me back from my thoughts. I glanced up at the traffic light which had turned green when I had not noticed, so I stepped on the gas pedal and drove off. I continued driving. Not so long after that, I turned my car into my destination building.
The door beeped as it unlocked itself with a tap of the keycard. The door to a condominium on Tokyo Road opened. The neon light lit up as soon as my fingers clicked on the switch. It illuminated the thirty-six square meter room which had been my residence for over three years. I put the car key and my phone on the coffee table in the living room while I threw myself down onto the couch. I closed my eyes amongst the silence in the room.
Silence is something I am familiar with. It makes me feel relaxed and calm. The exhausted as a result of working all day gradually subsided as I sat there with my eyes closed, letting the cool breeze from the air-conditioner blow against my body.
A while later, I opened my eyes, picked up my phone, and turned it on to see if anybody had called me while it was off. My eyes felt numb once I saw the name of the five missed calls displayed on the phone screen.
'Mom.'
Everybody else would be eager to return the call, but I just sat still for a big while. I opened the 'Line' application to find just exactly what I was expecting: unread messages from my mother popped up.
'What are you doing? Why aren't you answering my call?'
'It's your business if you won't answer it, but transfer me 3,000 yen. I don't have enough to spend this month.'
'Come visit sometime. Your father asked about you every day. How annoying!'
I could only force a smile as I was looking at the messages. My fingers slid to swipe the screen to log onto an internet banking application to transfer the money as I was told to. The phone screen went black as I turned off the phone after I had finished transferring the money. I put my phone on the table again. I scoffed quietly in my throat.
Once I got into a university, I moved away from home. Even during the school break, I worked a part-time job to earn money to pay for the dorm where I lived alone with Fujima, my roommate, went home. I hardly went back to that house even though someone there wanted me to go back so badly. If it was not absolutely necessary, I did not go back there, even for only a few hours.
Even if I had to live alone, it was still better than being I-don't-know-what in someone else's house.
I sighed while getting up from the couch, unbuttoned the shirt that I had been wearing all day, and took it off as I grabbed a towel in the closer, and went into the bathroom.
I closed my eyes and let the cool streams of water from the shower drizzle over my bare, naked body from head to toe, hoping that it would cleanse off whatever was devasting me to clear away the tiredness...
Even if it was only temporary.
If you want to talk about my work, there is nothing very fascinating- I am an employee in a private company that is still considered an SME where my salary is moderate but still enough for me to pay for my condominium's monthly installments without causing me any trouble. As for my love life, although it has been messed up, one good thing came out of it: an ex who is a famous businessman's son bought me a car. And after I found out about his affair with another woman, he merrily admitted to it and gave me this red Toyota Yaris without any attempt to claim it back in order to show his guilt.
How well he solved his guilty-ridden problem with money.
Each day at work, that many workers primarily wish for is to be able to stop work on time without having to stay on to work overtime and sacrifice a small fraction of their free time. However, responsibilities for work must come first. I, myself, have days that I get to stop work on time and days that I have to stay on to work overtime to meet the deadline that my boss gave me too. For example, this evening, I had to finish the new banner to promote the company's website in time to send it to the programmers so that they could upload it onto the website the following morning. At first, I thought of continuing to work on it at home, but once I saw that Akagi gave Fujima an urgent task that Sakuragi had not completed, I changed my mind and remained at the office to accompany him.
Whenever I have to stay on to work overtime, Fujima always stays on with me even though he does not have any work left to do. When I tell him to go home, he just dodges around and refuses to leave. I guess he might be afraid that I would get lonely, even though the fact is that I do not feel like that, but having someone care for me makes me feel good.
"Maki, so you're sure you're staying on?"
My nemesis who had to stay on as well to debug the company's website said, distracting me from my work to the said name.
"Yes." The department's new intern responded with a smile.
Our company does not have any policy to pay for overtime, and interns do not get paid for overtime either. I do not think any intern would want to work overtime. Maki did not really want to work that much- he just wanted to be close to my friend for a longer time than usual.
I understand that: anybody would want an opportunity to be close to those they are in love with.
"What a darn good person. Do you know how to code a website? Come help me debug."
"I don't know how, Sendoh. I'm sorry."
"Sit there and work quietly. Don't mess with my man."
Fujima stepped out to defend his intern. As for me, I continued working, but as I got back to concentrating on my work, someone ruined it.
"I have my mouth. Why can't I talk? You want me to stay quiet all day like Rukawa? That's too uncomfortable."
"I want to stay quiet all day, and how is that any of your business?" I uttered coldly while turning to look at the person who just spoke before me. The more I could see his annoying smirk, the more frustrated I became, so I turned away before I got too frustrated to work. I only sat there, and he could still get on my nerves with his mouth. How could I not be infuriated by him?
I stopped paying attention to Sendoh and continued working. Time went by until it was about 7:30 p.m. when I felt a light poke on my shoulder. I turned around to see that it was Fujima who was sticking his head over to look at my computer screen.
"How far have you got? You need a hand?"
"Have you finished your work?" I glanced over at his computer screen which had turned to the desktop instead of the work application.
Fujima nodded and answered, "Yeah, and how about you? almost there?"
"Almost. Just a bit more. You've finished, so you should hurry home."
"...You're sure about that?"
I could see the hesitation in his face as he looked back, and I just knew what he was thinking: he did not want to leave me alone with Sendoh. He might have been afraid that we would kill each other.
"You go on home, so Maki will get to go home and get some rest too. In less than half an hour, I should finish my work," I insisted.
Fujima exhaled slowly before turning to put his belongings into his beg.
"I'm leaving now, you guys. See you tomorrow. May you finish your work quickly! Drive home safely," Fujima said while looking back and forth at me and the person at the desk in the back. He forced a smile, waved goodbye and left the office. Maki bowed to us. Show respect to me and Sendoh and followed my friend.
Silence took over the office of my department as soon as those two left. The room where lights were on only where someone was still working looked even more desolated because there were only me and the other person who was sitting at the back.
"Everyone's left. Now there are only you and me."
Sendoh's voice broke the silence. I continued working without any interest to turn back to look at him since I did not want to waste my breath with him.
"Kaede."
"..."
"Mr. Rukawa?"
"..."
"What? You won't talk to me. How conceited!"
The person at the back of the office still would not stop talking. I let him go on and on because I knew that if I turned around to converse with him, I would not finish my work even by midnight. Sendoh called me two to three times, and as he could see that I had no interest whatsoever to talk to him, he quit calling me and got back to work.
The mouse clicking sounds and the keyboard clacking sounds echoed all over the quiet, wide room. Here I submerged into my own personal world where I fully concentrated on my work. It was when the clock on the wall of the room showed that it was eight p.m. that I exhaled long and clicked the 'save' button to save my work and emailed it to the Program Department.
"Have you finished your work?" the only programmer who was still in the room asked me at once after I clicked 'send' to the email.
I got up from the chair and turned off the computer while answering, "You saw my email. Why do you have to ask?"
"You're going home now? I haven't finished my work. Stay on. I want some company," Sendoh spoke and walked to grab my arm that was occupied with putting my belongings into my backpack.
"But I have finished my work. Let go of me." I pulled a face and unlocked his hand off my arm with my other hand.
"Hang on. You despise being close to me that much?" He raised his eyebrows as he saw me getting irritated.
I do not like to be touched by other people. If that person is not my boyfriend or someone I trust, like Fujima, I always avoid being touched, especially someone I loathe.
"Akira!" I glanced at the thick hand that was grabbing hold of my arm again while giving him a dirty look.
"What is it, sir?"
Sendoh did not pay any attention to my irritated gesture. The more he saw me being vexed, the more he tried to get on my nerves by yanking me closer to him with his hand grabbing more tightly on my arm like a pair of pliers.
"Let go of me!"
"No. Why? You're afraid that when you're close to me, you'll fall for me, Mr. Rukawa?" He smirked annoyingly and poked his face closer to mine. The cooling scent of mint mixed with the sweet scent of the perfume from his body struck my nose. "When you're close to me, you're afraid you can't control your feelings, right? Admit it."
"Could be. I have never felt with anyone the way I feel about you," I replied while gazing up at the taller guy who was moving closer to me, so close that our faces were just inches away from each other and exchanging looks unceasingly.
"Feel what way?"
"I've never felt I despise anyone as much as I despise you!"
I shook my arm with all might to release the grab of the person in front of me, pushed him away and turned back to my desk to continue packing my backpack. I heard chuckles in the throat of the person behind me, but I did not spare him any attention. I grabbed my car key and my backpack and was making my way out of the office, but then...
Click!
All the light bulbs on the ceiling went off at the same time. The low hum from the air conditioners had gone as well. The office that had been well-lit was pitch black and almost void of any sound.
"Shit! Why do the lights have to go out at this hour?"
Sendoh's low, rasping voice uttered while my throat started to dry up as I saw darkness all around me. There can be blackouts occasionally in this building, and each company in the building has its backup power. However, this morning I heard someone saying that our company's backup power was out of order and that we had to wait until the next day for the technician.
Why did the blackout have to occur today?!
My hands and forehead began to sweat, I became short of breath, some memories started to play in my head compulsively like a flash floods, and that made my hands uncontrollably shake lightly.
"What the f--. Is there a ghost in our company? Kaede, will you really go home and leave me alone?"
"..."
I still did not answer. The tall figure moved from where it had been standing, towards me who was trembling. Once Sendoh moved from where he had been standing, I saw the light from his computer screen that was still on.
A few minutes ago, I was pushing him away, but now I was moving toward him. No, toward that computer screen that was still emitting light.
"Kaede, don't just be quiet," Sendoh called out to me again.
Then a warm touch of his hand grabbed hold of my hand as I was standing still. I took a deep breath, and without knowing it, I grabbed a tighter hold of his hand to relieve the terror in my mind.
The room is not too dark to see anything. There is still some light. It is not dark anymore. I am not alone anymore. It is unlike that time. No...
Click!
Bright lights beamed into my eyes, blinding me. The air conditioners hummed as they resumed operations. I slowly blinked to adjust my eyesight to the lights that abruptly shone. The blackout had ended. Everything around me had been illuminated again. I pressed my lips together tightly and exhaled gradually.
It's over. There's nothing to worry about now...
"Are you okay, Kaede? You look so pale," Sendoh uttered. His eyes were fixed on my face, and I had to glance down at the floor to avoid his look while pulling my hand away from his warm palm.
"I'm okay."
"You didn't answer me and held my hand so tightly that I thought you were so afraid of ghosts and that you were fainting," his voice resumed an infuriating tone.
I gave him the evil eye while Sendoh beamed and put his arm around my neck.
"You won't really stay on me? You know there was just blackout. Supposing the lights go out again and a ghost scares me to death, won't you feel guilty about leaving me here all alone?" He put on such an innocent face that I almost rolled my eyes as a response to his act.
"Why do I have to feel guilty? You are the same kind as them."
"Same kind my ass. I'm not a ghost."
"Why not? You're also a ghost."
"What kind of ghost?"
"A sea ghost."
I said it to his face and walked out of the office without looking back. I could hear a laugh behind me. I brushed my hands on my arms in frustration. In just under ten minutes, I did not know how many times Sendoh touched me.
Then how could I not call him a sea ghost?
Because of the blackout a moment ago, I did not want to use the elevator, so I walked down the stairs of the emergency exit until I got to the floor of the parking lot where I had parked my car. I drove off the office building roughly after eight p.m. The traffic was somewhat light as it was not the usual rush hour anymore, so it took only thirty minutes to travel from office to my home.
When I got into my room, I took a shower to wash away the tiredness that was the result of working all day long.
In my pajamas, I walked back to my bedroom, sat on my bed and picked up the phone that had been chiming to alert me of the constant incoming message notifications, for me to see them.
This time, the message were not from my mother, but they were from Eiji, my ex with whom I broke up the month before. He wished to get back together with me.
I did not respond to the message and turned off the phone, ignore to what he was trying to do.
This was not the first time I faced something like this- there had been many times that my exes finallyrealizedthe situationafter I had caught them cheating and broke up with them. Each of them said he could not live without me and so tried to get back together with me, but I am the type that learns a lesson and moves on. I do not want to be a fool who was cheated on by the same guy twice. So I never got back together with any of my exes.
Someone once told me that love in the LGBT community is so fragile. Many men who date men usually look so superficial fun or want to temporarily experiment with something new for once in their lives, and they will finally marry some decent woman to build a warm, happy family and completely forget about us, gays. It is hard to find a guy who sincerely wants to have a relationship with us, but I do not see it that way. It does not matter which gender you. I see many times that even straight cheat on their significant other. It is rather about men not wanting to settle down and still wanting more.
There are still many good guys, but I might not be very lucky as no matter how many years have passed, I still have not found that good guy.
Every time, I give my all to love, and yet, every time, I get hurt in return. I am so tired and so sick of it. I want to be free from all of this. I have always comforted myself by telling myself that I have been all by myself since the beginning and so it should be all right if I have to end up being all by myself for the rest of my life. However, in the end, I still longed to have someone by my side.
The digital clock on the desk in my bedroom showed that it was only after nine p.m. Even so, I turned on the bedside lamp and turned off the ceiling light to get ready for bed. The dim orange light from the lamp shone all over the room, keeping my room from being covered in darkness. I had to turn on the bedside lamp every night, or I just could not get myself to sleep.
I lay down on my bed and pulled the cover up to my chest. The warmth of the thick blanket that was covering my body and the dim light in the room comforted me. Back when I was at university, Fujima teased me by saying that I had to sleep with the lights on every night like this probably because I had a terrible fear of the dark. I did not respond to that remark as, in my mind, I did not want to admit it.
Up until now, I had found out that no matter how long it had been, darkness was still my greatest fear.
will be continued...
