104. Peace Of Mind III.
Kim Teho
End of the last school year
After a lazy nap, Teho got up and went out to check up on mum. Sun pleasantly warmed his body, still in his pajamas, spreading comfortable heat from his face to his chest.
I'm doing nothing.
He lied to himself, for the time being, having a pressing to-do list in the back of his head.
Mother started to make lunch, going back and forth between the garden and kitchen. One moment chilling on the garden bench catching her breath, another moment cutting vegetables in a kitchen corner.
...
Kyuri was still sprawled on the floor shouting into her mic. Making the funniest noises.
"Ugh" and "Ahm" sounded out, sometimes adding a sentence of frustration "Argh! Fuck, Sehun-ah what was that?"
Youth. Teho mouthed, feeling already old.
Gotta fish for the info about Sehun though. I don't like him already.
It brought him back to the time when he was fifteen.
...
Standing before a big decision, having to choose his future career, but being only a confused child, coping with the struggle of living without a father figure. Knowing some man was somewhat present in his life, faintly remembering how handsome he was. Meeting him once every few months was too little to make any kind of bond. The tall father figure felt like a stranger when he appeared in the living room. Making it feel like something was wrong, the atmosphere was tense, the kids didn't know how to behave.
Teho also witnessed some uncomfortable night arguments, getting up to pee in the middle of the night.
"Art school? Are you crazy Minji? What kind of education is this for my son? I forbid it!" the man's voice was low, but menacing enough. The young boy stood behind the doors, hidden in shadow, and listened, fearing for his mum's safety, breathing mildly.
"Love, he really excels in art. Do you even know what he likes?" her pleading sentence was cut by a harsh comment.
"Not in my household," his voice sounded distorted by too many alcohol shots. He came to see his house and family obedient and ideal as a picture he had in his office, the prototype of perfection, that's what they needed to represent.
I'll study art even if he had to kill me.
Young boys' minds hardened with spite, seeing mother cry and the man leaving. The young boy ran for a bathroom, his heart beating rapidly.
...
The next morning the man was on his way again. Pieces of Luggage were sorted in the hall near the entrance door. Teho happily danced in the kitchen, kissing the younger sister lovingly, laughing as always. Forcing the good mood on himself. That was his role, what he aimed to be. Easy person, whom everybody loved, despite gender or age.
I'll be adored.
Father gave the little boy one disgusted gaze. "You have to be a man, stop being so childish."
It froze Teho in his steps. Bowing down respectfully. The man noticed his fingers were painted.
Kyuri often wanted to give Teho a makeover and he loved it, pretending to be at the salon. She was so young and her older brother treasured being her playmate. Seriously sitting in a small pink plastic chair, picking nail polish dramatically.
"What's that? Are you even my son?" Father grabbed Teho's hand harshly, smacking it with the back of his hand painfully across Teho's small fingers.
Please be gone already.
The young boy endured it, letting his father scrape the nail polish violently with a kitchen knife off of his nails in an angry tantrum. It hurt, but his mind held onto tomorrow when this family will be safe again.
After the old man finished, he smacked Teho's head so hard that the boy hit the cupboard harshly.
A low "thump" sounded in the kitchen.
The sharp corner painted his forehead red. Mother saw it all as she quietly set the breakfast table, silently waiting, frozen in her steps with fear.
The man just said, "Unbelievable," to her and left.
Teho pushed his tears back in and just sat, leaning against the kitchen unit. Blood lazily caressed his face.
At least they didn't see. He automatically thought of his sisters.
When the argument started Rupi secretly got Kyuri away, knowing well there'll be a scene. Protecting the youngest.
...
Father wasn't always like that. More often he was still, reading newspapers, ignoring everyone. They tiptoed around him. Serving his every need when he asked, without any words. In rare times, receiving gifts.
Rupi remembered the time when he was around, lovingly hugging mum, but it was a long time ago.
Through the years Teho learned to "forget" and spoke only highly about him. Learning the so-called "respect" and hardening internally, covering the trauma with his artsy persona. Coping with stress by another type of toxic behavior. Using girls for fun, regarding them, just as a pretty diversion. Deep down he didn't want anything serious in a fear of creating a similar household.
Of course, everybody in the school knew he was "fatherless". Since only the mother attended the parent meetings. For that, not only her but the children were frowned upon too. This manifested in nasty comments from other classmates, who didn't like Teho, being regarded as such a young star in his class.
"He may be gorgeous, but he's not a real man, since he doesn't have a father," pre-teen boys saw themselves as some kind of strong man prototypes already in a school environment, "He's soft because he's living among the girls."
...
Teho recollected a memory of a raven-haired boy, praised for his good looks, but wanting to be commended for something more measurable. Joining every possible school club there was, hoping his father would be proud and maybe, just maybe, he'll show up someday at one of his showcases. Teho knew his mum sent him the report of all the school scores regularly, so the old man surely knew how accomplished his son became.
Teho didn't like studying, but he forced himself to have good grades.
Be a good boy.
And when the time of his showcases came, chess club, sports club, drama club, he observed other kids' parents being there supporting them. Petting them on their heads, saying words of encouragement. On the seat where his family had to be, he saw sometimes mum, sometimes nobody.
He learned to be self-sufficient.
I'm not waiting for anybody. Others will have to wait for me.
Was the mantra forming in his young angry brain.
...
As Teho grew older he would take upon himself the father role for the youngest one. If he had the time he would go and pick her up from school. Anxiously observing the growing circle of boys accompanying her subtly.
"Ya K! Let's go for a raspberry cake, huh?" he lovingly offered.
He made calls to action anytime he could, hoping Kyuri would let him in on her thoughts, and how she perceived her life. Taking her hand in a sign of ownership and making distinct gestures to the boys behind.
I see through you. Touching his eyes and pointing out to them.
Teho wanted wholeheartedly for Kyuri not to be empty like he was, even with all the buzz around. Teachers appreciating him, classmates finding him funny and charming, mother working her ass off to provide stability and comfort.
But the loneliness was everywhere around him.
Teho still felt the gaping hole in his life, where he needed his father figure to be. Even though it didn't mean it should be the one he had.
...
When the time for application sending came, they stood before the decision. Teho, with his skills, was deadly serious about studying photography. Since he heard that talk, he saved money, bought a camera, signed up for several afterschool photography clubs, and dedicated all of his time to being more than perfect in it.
Teho's mum came up with a plan, they wouldn't tell his father that Teho would study art. They'd use scores from one of Teho's friends joining economics school. In return, Teho would photograph their family events.
Father will be happy and Teho will study what he wants.
"I'll not let anyone stand between you and your dreams, love," Mother told him.
...
The sunkissed boy hugged his mum fondly, grazing her belly.
"I love you." He snuggled to her.
"Go hike with Rupi, please love, she needs company," Mother begged.
Teho smiled. "I will, I know she wants me there."
A voice sounded from the hall. "Where is my dumbass?" Rupi called.
"I gotta go." Teho laughed as mum brushed his hair and ran after the older sister, joining her in her room.
"Jesus Rupi, fuck, is this supposed to be a room?" He acted out while stepping around various items on the floor. The apartment was a mess.
"Hey, you don't know about orderly chaos? And you call yourself an artist? Pff," Rupi shot back.
The room was spacious, in a pretty, big suburban house. White walls were properly complemented with modern light brown wooden furniture. Now it was buried under the deposit of sleeping bags, mats, cooking equipment, columns of warm clothes, light clothes, sports clothes, and hiking poles. Deeper under this all were dirty clothes hanging on her chair and closet doors, and in the corner lay several pairs of used socks.
"Orderly what?" Teho lost his words. "Is this state of your mind?" he joked.
"Care to take me into yours?" she dared him.
Teho made an internal inventory of his room, equally messy.
"No, I'm good." He smirked back at her. "I don't own a hiking backpack," he stated matter-of-factly.
"You're in luck because your amazing sister already bought one with her hard-earned money." She pulled out a very stylish and most importantly practical rucksack.
It was matt black with gold accents and a subtle geometrical shiny pattern.
"Oh," he sighed in awe, happy he didn't have to wear a twin of her hand-me-down, raggedy, dirty one.
"Stylish, right?" Teho nodded, unzipping every pocket. "Early birthday present." She smiled at him.
His mouth made a confused "O" shape.
"But the clothes..." he started.
"Yeah, about that, you must bow through the floor boy, because we all saved money to buy you the essentials." She handed him a box with a bow.
Thermal sportswear inside was just his taste.
"I know you can't "just" go outside. You have to parade fucking around like a peacock!" Rupi mocked him.
His expression was filled with love and gratitude. "So you want me to look fantastic!"
She mouthed, "Whatever," and went back to sorting clothes, smiling for herself.
I do care for your comfort.
...
Teho helped her sort through the essentials they needed with unnecessary comments. The final bags were put on a scale: 15kg.
"Are you fucking out of your mind?" He breathed out.
"Hey Sherlock, add the weight of the two liters of water you need to carry and the food we'll buy tomorrow," she explained.
"My poor back," he whined.
"Your poor young back will adjust." She winked at him.
Rupi hugged Teho suddenly and whispered, "Go rest playboy, tomorrow you'll sleep in the cold wilderness." He got the chills, but more from excitement and change of his routine.
"Oh, I forgot, your art equipment will give us two more kilos."
Teho rolled his eyes, pretending he was going to faint.
"For art, I must suffer," he theatrically exclaimed.
Yet his stomach fluttered with excitement.
😳 Author's corner 😊
👪 Do you have a loving family? 👪
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🎨Illustrations of each chapter are available on my Wattpad acc, AO3 acc -klubickoArt🎨
