For about a month, Percy managed to hold it together. He had to – he needed to help repair the camp, and communicate with the Romans, and bury the dead. He had to comfort the younger campers and reassure the older ones. Percy stayed at camp for almost two weeks past the official end of summer term, doing everything he could to help the kids feel safe again, before Chiron firmly urged him to go home.
Truthfully, Percy was glad for the excuse to go. He was tired. He was stressed and upset. He wanted his mom. He didn't want the campers to feel abandoned, not after everything, but he was so homesick that he ached. When he felt his parents hug him, the warmth and comfort of their arms drove him to tears.
It was halfway through September by the time he finally got to speak to Raine.
"O Fleecy, do me a solid. Show me Raine Robins at St. Joan's."
Percy kind of liked being able to do his therapy cross-legged on his bed, using the rainbow from a prism on his windowsill. It was nice, or at least, it had been for the two sessions he'd managed to fit in before Hera whisked him away.
Raine's office shimmered into view, resolving into an image of Raine flipping through her old notebook for him, frowning in concentration. Looked exactly like she had the last time he saw her, except with maybe a couple new pictures on her desk.
"Hey, Raine," he said, smiling wearily when she jumped and looked up, eyes bright behind horn-framed glasses. "Sorry I missed our last appointment."
It was a weak joke. Their last appointment had been scheduled nearly a year ago now, and instead of Percy, Raine had gotten a call from Annabeth, demanding to know if Percy had said anything worrying lately.
"Percy," Raine said, with so much relief that Percy was touched. "I'm so glad you're safe. I'm sorry I wasn't able to get back to you sooner."
"It's okay," Percy said, managing another small smile. "Your job is probably really stressful, right? Makes sense that you take regular vacations. I hope it didn't bother you when Mom made the appointment. I didn't know you were on leave when I asked."
"Not at all, I was relieved to hear you were home safe," Raine said firmly. "Can you tell me what happened? Your mother said that you were struggling."
'Struggling' was certainly one way of putting it. 'Drowning' might be more accurate, though.
"Yeah, uh..." Percy reached up to rub his hand over his face, grimacing. "Hera kidnapped me and wiped my memories, and I swapped places with this kid Jason from another demigod camp, Camp Jupiter. Romans. Then, um, I had to go on a quest up to Alaska to unchain Thanatos, and then back to Camp Jupiter to stop Polybotes from destroying it. Then the Seven, I'll explain that prophecy later, but seven demigods Hera picked had to get in this flying ship and go to close the Doors of Death and defeat Gaea." He took a deep breath. "We had to go to Rome for that, I guess, to get the Athena Parthenos. And the ancient lands are extra full of monsters, worse than the Sea of Monsters. So that was really hard. And then, um..."
He swallowed. His lungs were starting to strain from the long rambling speech, but there was no helping that.
"Gods, sorry, this just goes on and on. But then me and Annabeth fell into Tartarus, and it, it took a bit to get back out. That was awful. Then..." He rolled his shoulders and ignored the sting in his eyes. "Then we had to go to Athens to fight the giants and stop Gaea from rising. We kind of stalled them until Reyna and Nico got the Athena Parthenos in place and healed the gods, and we beat the giants, and Zeus sent us back to Camp Half-Blood to fight Gaea. And we won." He covered his face. "Sorry, that was a lot, you probably missed most of that nonsense. Doesn't make any sense..."
"It's alright, I caught most of it," Raine said gently. "It sounds like you've been through a lot recently. That's not your fault, and we can get to everything in time. Can you tell me what you're having trouble with right now?"
Percy ruffled his hair and smiled, like that would hide the exhaustion in his eyes or the pain weighing down his shoulders. "Uh, yeah. Yeah. I'm, um, I'm having trouble sleeping. Wicked bad nightmares, even for me, but a lot of the time I don't even get that far. The weirdest mood swings, too, starting to cry out of nowhere or getting angry for no reason." He rustled his hair again, exhaling heavily. "Uh, I've been thinking about hurting myself a lot, like, I'm literally daydreaming about it, it's weird and annoying." His voice caught. He pretended he didn't notice. "I'm suicidal again, I'm having flashbacks to Tartarus, I'm, I'm vomiting when I get stressed..."
His voice caught and hitched again, and he ducked his head and leaned over, trying to hide the tears suddenly welling up in his eyes. They came too fast for that to really work – his breath stuttered, and he reached up to rub the tears away as they spilled down his cheeks.
"Sorry," he mumbled, voice cracking. "Sorry, it's just- it's been a really bad summer. I feel horrible."
"It's alright," Raine said, dropping into a soothing, gentle cadence. "You're going to be alright. I can see you're in a lot of pain right now, and you have every right to cry if you want to. Don't worry about that. Breathe. You're going to be fine."
Percy breathed, slow and careful, trying to ignore the hitches and stutters that kept interrupting. After a while, the urge to sob subsided, and he was able to wipe his eyes and look up at Raine again.
"Sorry," he repeated weakly. "I, I don't really know what to do."
"You did the right thing," Raine said. "You asked for help. Would you like to start with self-soothing skills or self-esteem work? Self-soothing skills will help you get through episodes safely, and self-esteem work should reduce the frequency and intensity of episodes."
"Mm?" Percy rubbed his cheek with the heel of his palm. "I was, um, kind of hoping we could do trauma counseling again. At some point, I mean. That was... that was really good, last time."
"I'm glad," Raine said gently. "We will get to that, but I don't believe it's what we should start with. I'm sure you remember how stressful trauma counseling is – right now, it might do more harm than good."
She started to say something else, then hesitated. Guilt crept into her expression, and she glanced away. Percy cocked his head, and she exhaled and met his eyes again.
"I also think you should return to St. Joan's," she said. "Preferably before we begin serious trauma counseling."
"...Oh. Why?"
"Your mental health is delicate right now," Raine said, soft but intense. "St. Joan's is structured so that patients receive constant support, which allows us to do intensive treatment that, while effective, leaves you emotionally vulnerable. We would have to approach it more cautiously if you also have the responsibilities of schoolwork and your normal social life, and that would mean a much slower recovery."
"Oh. Okay. I guess that makes sense." Despite himself, Percy hiccupped, and bent his head to scrub at his eyes again.
"You can tell me if there's something wrong, Percy."
"I don't want to," Percy blurted out before he could stop himself. He hiccupped again, tears flowing faster than he could wipe them away. "I want to be home. I miss my mom. I miss my friends. I, I'm not ready to go away again."
"Okay. I won't make you."
Startled, Percy's eyes shot up to her, wary and distrustful. "Really?"
"Really," Raine said. "Quite aside from the fact that I have no authority to-" Percy relaxed, then felt guilty for distrusting her. "if you say you need time with your family first, then you can have that. Leaving before you're ready could be more traumatic than helpful. I'll give you at least a month, and you can assess then whether you feel ready yet. Does that sound alright?" Percy nodded, relieved. "Perfect. Until then, we can meet... perhaps twice a week?"
"Yeah," Percy croaked, rubbing his eyes with a shaky smile. "Thanks."
Raine smiled softly, and then prompted, "So, self-soothing skills or self-esteem work?"
"Self-soothing skills. Please." It wasn't even a real choice, honestly. He needed to feel better. "Um, that'll help with the violent fantasies too, right? Because I don't need a degree to know that those are bad."
"It should," Raine said. "Self-harm is actually a self-soothing impulse, even if it's a very dangerous one; you try to physicalize your pain to make it easier to cope with. Replacing it with healthier self-soothing habits should reduce those fantasies considerably." She hesitated, and then added, "If you've acted on them, however, we'll need to tune some of your new habits to specifically address that. Have you?"
Percy shook his head. "No. I've, um, I've come pretty close, but no."
"That's very good," Raine said. "I understand the impulse can be difficult to resist once it appears, and you've done very well to pull through. In that case, let's move on to what habits we do want you to develop. Do you have access to music?"
"Paul got me an MP3 for my birthday," Percy said, with a pained smile. He hadn't been home yet when his birthday passed, and had only IM'd once. "I haven't gotten much music yet, but I have a gift card and stuff if I wanna. Why?"
"Music is a good way to self-soothe," Raine explained. "The best way to comfort yourself is to surround yourself with things that make you feel good – familiar sounds, comforting textures, soothing scents, favorite foods or candy, a movie or calming toy like a lava lamp."
To be honest, it sounded so nice that it made Percy's chest kind of tight. "I'm not a baby," he mumbled. "I don't need to be wrapped in a blanket and put down to nap."
"I didn't say that," Raine said, gentle again. "But if you did want that – after the year you've had, I think you're allowed."
Percy's throat tightened, and he had to take a deep, slow breath to calm himself down and relax again. "It sounds nice," he admitted. "Definitely better than stabbing myself with a fork." Oh, that joke didn't land – pain flashed across Raine's eyes. "Um, what now?"
"Now we're going to brainstorm what makes you feel good," Raine said.
And for the next forty-five minutes, that was what they did. Raine took him through it sense by sense. He liked the music that Sally always played during cleaning days and car rides, and the sound of the ocean, and the voice of that guy from How It's Made. He liked cuddling with his mom and running in the rain, warm blankets and oversized hoodies, cold water and sand. He liked the smell of the ocean, the coconut lotion Annabeth used, the smell of rain. He liked sour candy and sugary soda, and stupid action movies without real stakes.
From there, they moved on to what he could do when he felt overwhelmed and unhappy – run to the park and swing in the rain, or ask his mom to sit on the couch and watch a movie with him. Concrete actions that could, in time, maybe become habits. It made Percy feel a little better to have a plan.
He was pretty sure he had Annabeth to thank for that, and the thought made him feel warm.
"These would be especially useful when you're recovering from an episode," Raine explained. "An angry outburst, or a panic attack or nightmare – anything like that. Have you been experiencing many of those?"
Percy winced. "Kinda, yeah. A couple every week, usually." Except nightmares, which were every night.
"Do you know what causes them?"
Percy shook his head, scowling. "Some of them are really obvious, like when someone mentions the pit, or when it's dark or something. But sometimes I just freak out and I have no idea why. It sucks."
"It does," Raine agreed sympathetically. "Can you do something for me?" Percy hummed in confusion. "Start recording any incidents where you seem to be triggered, and try to note down any possible contributing factors – what you were doing, what you heard, where you were. While some triggers are obvious, some of them take more effort to recognize for what they are."
"The last one was during dinner," Percy said plaintively. "What the hell could've upset me during dinner? Celery?"
Raine stifled a laugh. "That's what we're trying to find out," she said. "Can you tell me what happened?"
Percy scowled down, then grabbed the edge of his sweatshirt, rubbing it between his fingers. "I dunno. We were having, like, chicken wings, and talking about school and stuff, and then I thought I smelled sulfur. I started, uh, coughing and kind of gasping, and then I had to run and throw up. And then I got mad about it. I don't understand what happened."
"It'll take time," Raine agreed gently. "Write it down, and in a few weeks we can start comparing notes between incidents, see if we can work out any of your triggers."
"Okay..." Percy muttered, scowling down at the frayed hem of his sweatshirt. "Sorry. I know this is a lot of work."
"This is the reason I keep a notebook for each patient," Raine corrected, tilting up the seashell-etched book in her hands. "You're not the first patient to come back for a second stay, and you won't be the last. Things happen... especially to demigods."
"But it's like I started all over," Percy whined.
"I know it seems like that," Raine said gently. "But you didn't. Do you remember our first couple of sessions last time?"
Percy wrinkled his nose. "Um, the first one was just me talking about myself and my family and friends, and the second one was you explaining therapy. And then after that we did asking for help." He looked down. "I guess we're not completely starting over. But..." He hesitated, but Raine didn't break in, and eventually he finished, "I spent so much time learning how to not hate myself. And now I can't remember."
"I know," Raine said softly. "That's a skill you'll likely lose and reacquire your whole life. Massive trauma has a way of setting you back." She smiled at him, small and encouraging. "It's okay. The hardest step is asking for help, and you've already done that."
Percy closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and nodded. "Okay. Yeah. I can do this." He opened them and looked at her. "What's next?"
"Can you tell me more about your suicidal ideation? It'll help me decide which aspects of your treatment to prioritize."
"Argh," Percy said. He buried his hands in the covers and leaned back on them. "Well, first, I hate myself again, so that's great. I felt really useless during the whole last quest, because even when we were in my element I couldn't do much, and I kept fucking up. And I, uh." He hugged himself. When had he picked up that habit? "I... figured out some stuff I can do. Kind of, um, scared Annabeth. And I..." He blinked, and for a second, he vividly remembered the decision to stuff Akhlys' tears back into delicate channels, the gruesome way she'd burbled and gagged. He blinked again, and it was gone, leaving him feeling nauseous and dizzy. Raine was still looking at him. "I..."
"You scared yourself," Raine offered. Percy swallowed, then nodded numbly.
"Uh... yeah. Yeah, I did." He nodded again and looked away. "A-and I was, uh, reminded of some bad things I'd done. People I hadn't treated well." He swallowed. His throat was dry. He looked down, grabbed Fang, and hugged him. He felt better. "And I'm, I'm really mad at myself about that. And I'm just- overwhelmed. Really, really overwhelmed. I, I lost eight months of my life, Raine. I missed a whole year of school. And with how my brain is now..." He scrubbed at his eyes. "I don't know how I'm gonna get my life back together. It feels impossible."
"I know," Raine said softly. "I know, you've got a lot of work ahead of you. But you'll have your friends and family to support you the entire time. I promise you, in eight more months, you'll look back and be amazed at how far you've come."
Percy managed a smile. "Yeah. I hope so."
