Chapter 21: A Long Morning

Nathan gasped and sat up in bed drenched in sweat. It wasn't the first nightmare of the night, but he was sure that he would make it the last.

Despite being home in his own bed and having had a wonderful night with Allie, Elizabeth, and Jack, Nathan had struggled to find sleep as he tossed and turned—alone at last with his thoughts. When sleep finally did come, his sweet dreams had turned to nightmares—as his subconscious finally processed his heavy losses.

Though it wasn't yet dawn, he readied himself, and tiptoed down the hall past a still slumbering Allie. He brewed his first pot of coffee, downed a mug-full without hardly tasting it, and walked into town to saddle his partner for early morning rounds.

Main Street was still quiet while he and Newton trotted off in the early light. There was little movement on the streets or boardwalks as the sleepy little town slowly woke up.

The trail through the forests in the surrounding region came alive at dawn with the sounds of birds and squirrels darting through the trees. The surroundings were peaceful, but his mind was anything but. Pieces of conversations echoed through his troubled mind, and the longer he rode the more he felt haunted by the faces of his recent losses.

No sooner would he push one image down in his mind before another one would surface. Much like his dreams, he found himself drowning in regrets and inner accusations.

As the sun rose higher above the horizon, Nathan ran into more people attending to their farm chores on the outskirts of town. Most just waved as he passed, but one older woman had flagged him down requesting his assistance with her animals.

Rounding the corner from the beloved yellow farmhouse with a pocketful of cookies, Nathan spotted Abigail's Cafe in the distance just as the caffeine from his early morning coffee was beginning to wear off. At this rate, it was going to be a long day.

He knew he probably raised some eyebrows when he requested the whole coffee pot from Minnie at the curtained partition to the cafe kitchen. But after a rather restless night, it felt necessary. Not wanting to create a coffee shortage for the Cafe, he promised to return after dropping Allie at school for the coffee pot.

With Abigail's on the edge of Main Street, Nathan merely secured his freshly baked surprise he had purchased for Allie into his saddle bags. He trotted through town, turning at the Mercantile to head towards the row houses.

It was a typical fall morning for most in the valley. Little wisps of smoke rose from the row of chimneys in the distance. Another frost had left the grass rather crunchy as giggling children tromped about in their front yards before school. As the path curved right approaching the houses, just as he hoped, he recognized the sight of his favorite little boy scrambling up into the window and pressing his forehead against the glass at the Thornton residence. Nathan raised his hand with a smile that spoke of the depth of his love for the boy that he already loved like a son.

He recognized the scent of freshly baked bread and fried eggs from the slightly opened kitchen window at the Coulter's house. A few houses down, Cooper Canfield was bringing wood back to the house from their wood pile. Further down the row, he waved at Ellen and Opal Weise who were just finishing the young girl's braids on their front steps before school.

Reaching his home at last at the end of the row, he dismounted and tethered Newton to the front porch. Allie opened the door and leaned casually against the doorframe like her father often did. She was already dressed in a white collared blouse with a rose colored pinafore over top of it. Her hair was pulled up into a half up and half down style with a matching pink colored ribbon to complete her ensemble.

"You must have been up early." Allie called out, the concern in her voice obvious to her father. "I didn't even hear you leave."

"Maybe you should put down your book earlier so I don't find you asleep in it at night." Nathan teased as he rifled through his saddle bags.

"Ha-ha." Allie over exaggerated her laugh with an eye roll. "You forgot the bookmark."

Nathan's eyes lit with mischief as he climbed the stairs, "Actually you forgot the bookmark before you nodded off."

Allie's lip stuck out in a pout, and she narrowed her eyes playfully at her father. "At least I don't talk in my sleep. I'd hate for Mrs. Thornton to hear what you say…"

"Allie Mays Grant you wouldn't dare!" He teased with a laugh as he followed her inside, holding the tea towel wrapped surprise just out of her reach.

"I can be persuaded to stay silent if that parcel turns out to be miiiine." She smiled up at him coyly and snatched the dangling treat.

"Fair enough." Nathan laughed. He enjoyed watching the delight wash across his daughter's face at the blueberry scone that he had picked up just for her.

Leaving her to her scone, Nathan helped himself to the fried eggs and salted ham pieces that Allie had left for him in the skillet. He poured the rest of his coffee from earlier—that thankfully stayed warm on top of the wood burning stove.

After a leisurely breakfast full of teasing and reviewing schoolwork, Allie seemed confident for today's spelling test. Nathan even enjoyed discussing her recent history lesson on how the French and Indian War played into the Seven Years War. The conversations had sure changed over the years, but Nathan found himself enjoying this season of being able to discuss weightier topics with his girl.

The conversations continued as they washed their dishes, readied for school, and untethered Newton from the porch. As they walked along, Allie informed her dad of her time with Opal and her recent spat with Anna. Mrs. Weise had helped her work through the problem already, but Nathan was proud of how Allie had handled it.

By the time they reached the schoolhouse, Allie gave her father a hug and whispered in his ear a reminder to set a time tonight with Mrs. Thornton. Nathan's heart swelled with love for this daughter of his. When she had pulled back from his hug, he schooled his features into a funny face with an eye roll that caused his daughter to giggle like he had hoped.

He laughed inwardly at his daughter's mothering in giving him a reminder…like he even needed to be reminded. The date tonight was the one consistent shred of hope that he held onto last night as he tossed and turned. The day that he had long waited for was finally here, and he was not going to let exhaustion deter him from time with Elizabeth.

When the kids filed in and the other parents dispersed with knowing smiles, Nathan approached the schoolteacher with his piercing blue eyes locked tenderly on hers. They didn't hear the giggle of children behind them. They didn't hear the whispering of parents. They just saw each other.

As Nathan climbed the final step with his hat in hand, he watched the look in Elizabeth's eye turn to one of concern. She reached out to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Nathan, are you ok? You look like you haven't slept. We don't have to have the date tonight…. We can do another night if it's better." Her eyes searched his. "I'm not going anywhere." She reminded him with a sad smile.

Nathan smiled somberly at her obvious care for him. "Nothing could keep me. I just want to be with you wherever you are. How about I pick you up at five o'clock for dinner?"

She bit her lip, holding back her smile. "I'll be there, Constable."

Nathan's face lit up with hope clearing away the weariness previously held in his eyes. "Ok," Nathan simply responded with wonder. He found himself yet again at a loss for words for his dream realized.

With a giggle, Elizabeth withdrew her hand from his shoulder and slipped back behind the school doors—closing them slowly. "See you tonight, Nathan," she whispered for his ears alone.

He stood dreamily with his mouth held partially open. "Ok," was all he managed to muster before she disappeared completely behind the last sliver of the closing door.

He stood another moment before the nickering of his partner broke through his thoughts. He turned and placed his Stetson back on his head with a teasing glare—pointing his finger back to Newton. "That's enough! I don't see you making any plans." The horse snorted and pawed the ground making Nathan roll his eyes. "C'mon Romeo. We've got work to do."

With a yawn, Nathan mounted Newton and turned back towards town. After a short ride, he tethered Newton to his post outside the office and headed back on foot to Abigail's for his promised coffee.

Once inside Abigail's, Minnie met him at the curtained partition with a sympathetic smile and a full pot of coffee. Bill turned from the stove, and the look in his eye made Nathan suspect that Bill saw right through his caffeine request.

He dragged his feet back to the office lethargically, dodging the curious glances cast his way. There was a stack of paperwork waiting for him piled neatly on his desk from his recent absence. He lit the fire in the stove, and poured another cup of coffee before he sorted through the wanted posters. Thankfully, he was able to pitch the most recent ones for Bassoff, Arkoff, and the rest of their train gang. He filed his expense reports for the Nordegg trip, and perused the log book pages that Bill had filled in his absence.

Nathan was grateful to see that Bill had fulfilled the well checks for Mrs. Whitmore this past week in addition to assisting Faith in the infirmary one afternoon as she stitched up one of Lee's crewmen's cut hand.

He filed the paperwork away and emptied his serge chest pocket of his treasured telegrams, hoping that rereading the stack would put his mind at ease. He took another sip of the already cooling coffee. Nathan drummed his fingers on his mostly empty desk.

Perhaps it was just that it was the first real quiet that he had seen in about a week, or maybe it was just that he was finally sitting still. Either way the complete silence now in his empty office was deafening and finally devoid of all of the distractions that had kept his mind occupied. Whatever it was, it had put him on edge.

The door to the Mountie office abruptly opened, and Nathan didn't even have to look up to know that it was Bill.

"Good morning Bill." Nathan sighed before he took another sip of coffee, preparing himself for his anticipated report to Bill.

Bill grunted, took a chair across from Nathan, and sat down. "Well?"

Nathan smiled behind his coffee cup at the predictability of the prickly judge. "Well, you missed me?" Nathan teased.

"Something like that," Bill mumbled. "So, what happened out there? I read the papers. Elizabeth said you were in the shootout." He raised his eyebrows in question and folded his arms as he sat back in the chair.

Nathan sighed, put his coffee down, sat back in his desk chair, and relayed the events in Nordegg. Bill watched Nathan—his eyes boring through him like an accomplished inspector—tinged with a hint of fatherly concern.

Nathan tried to keep it simple, but Bill pressed further. "So you were the first responder to Usher, Bailey, and Kyslik?" Bill whistled low. "No wonder you asked for the whole pot of coffee."

Nathan rocked forward and ran his fingers through his hair, "I'm fine Bill."

"Obviously," Bill murmured nonchalantly.

"I said I'm fine, alright?!" Nathan snapped back and stood abruptly. His chair sliding back and hitting the wall with a soft thud. He started pacing the office—feeling like this was more of an investigation than a personal visit.

Anger started to creep up from his pacing legs and curled around his chest—clamping down on each breath. Still, Bill said nothing and continued to watch him carefully as Nathan paced back and forth, feeling ready to crack.

Under the silence, Nathan's mind began to whirl with the questions that he had been suppressing for mere survival in the field. Questions that were bubbling to the surface under Bill's intense stare.

Still fighting the urge to spill, Nathan glanced again at Bill who sat stoically—seemingly unaffected by the tension of the room.

"Why are you here, Bill?" Nathan growled with a furrowed brow.

Bill feigned ignorance, "Me? Just wanted to hear about Nordegg."

"And you have. So what are you doing now? …..What do you want?" Nathan's tone was steel, but his eyes looked like a desperately trapped animal.

"What do I want? I want you to have a place to be mad. A place to work through what happened before you face official questioning. From the looks of it, you haven't dealt with it yet…have you? You can't stuff it down forever, Nathan. So let me have it. Why are you angry right now?" Bill's voice mirrored Nathan's thundering with seriousness, yet devoid of accusation.

Nathan paused mid-step. His chest heaving with each breath. He looked at Bill who merely nodded at him to continue. "Everyone keeps dying, Bill. Colleen, Jack, Novak, Usher, Bailey, Kyslik..." His eyes sunk to the floor before he resumed a slower pacing.

Bill studied him before gently pressing forward. "Those are a lot of losses, Nathan. How many of those people have you killed?"

Nathan's head snapped towards the judge in offense. "None of them."

"Exactly." Bill responded plainly. He leaned back in his chair. "Nathan, I can't explain why you have lost so many people. I don't know why you've lost so many even recently, but I can see that you're not dealing with it. It's eating you alive. You can't keep doing this."

"I'm just trying to do my job."

"You did your job. You did it well… it sounds like. You were there comforting two men as they lay dying. Giving them the best possible care that you could. They're gone, Nathan. The job is over. Face it. You want to get mad? Fine. This isn't fair. None of it. Mad is a good place to start."

Nathan slowed his pace to a stop at Bill's words. Shaking his head slightly with accusing thoughts flashing through his mind. "Why does this keep happening, Bill?! It's like everywhere I go brings death. I don't want to go anywhere or be close to anything. What about Elizabeth and the kids?! What if I bring this on them?!" His voice was strangled with anguish.

"I don't have all of those answers, Nathan, but I think you should talk those fears through with Joseph. As far as I know you're just a man. You can't bring death accidentally. I know you have experienced a lot of tragedy in your young life. But as an outsider, I can also see how that tragedy directed you here to Elizabeth, to Jack, and even to Allie. Now I have a hard time believing that all those pieces were moved in your life just for more death and grief, don't you?"

Nathan stared at Bill blankly as his words slowly sank in. He dropped his head in defeat, walked back to his chair, and pulled it forward, sinking into it dejectedly. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and quietly answered, "I hope so, Bill. I don't know how much more I can take."

"It's a heavy burden, Nathan. One you shouldn't be trying to shoulder alone. Talk to Joseph, talk to Elizabeth, talk to Gabriel even, but you're always welcome to talk to me."

"Thanks Bill." Nathan slumped back in his chair, taking a deep breath before he pressed his lips together and looked up at Bill candidly.

"Do you want me to bring more coffee?" Bill asked sincerely as he stood from his chair. "Have you even had breakfast?"

"I'm good Bill. Thanks. I had breakfast with Allie this morning before school…" He sighed deeply, "It's been a long morning."

Bill nodded sympathetically. His eyes scanned Nathan's mostly clear desk.

Nathan slid his hand over the stack of slips of paper, drawing Bill's eye directly to it.

"Whaddya got there?" Bill asked craning his neck forward for a closer look.

"Oh… just some telegrams." Nathan tried nonchalantly.

Bill's eyes narrowed suspiciously as Nathan swept them into his top drawer. "Telegrams, huh? You never sent me any telegrams."

"Are you jealous, Bill?" Nathan asked with a sideways grin.

Bill scoffed, trying not to show his amusement at the comment. "Better be careful. Those add up, Constable."

Nathan looked up at the older man, offended at first, before he considered the likely intent behind the words. He took a breath and responded sincerely,

"The piece of mind it's giving Elizabeth is worth the expense to me right now. Its one thing that I can offer her while I'm on the road."

Bill pressed his lips into a line and nodded his head. "You're a good man, Nathan. I'm sure that means a lot to her. More than you know."

"Thanks Bill….for everything."

"You're welcome. Let me know if you need anything. My door is always open…for you at least," Bill finished dryly.

"Hey, Bill…actually…about that…can I borrow your office tonight? I'd like to have dinner with just Elizabeth, but I don't know where to have it. I'd have it here or at the Cafe, but I think those were already special places for her and Jack."

"Normally I wouldn't mind, but actually I'm meeting with Mrs. Whitmore and her daughter tonight. It would be free tomorrow night though if you want it then."

Nathan's face fell in defeat. "Thanks Bill. I'll keep it in mind. I told Elizabeth this morning that I'd find a place for tonight, but thank you."

"If you're open to an office, what about Lee's…or… Henry's?" Bill thought aloud.

Nathan's eyes lit up at the mention of Henry. "Actually, that's not a bad idea. Thanks Bill." He rose to his feet ready to seek out the man himself.

Bill smiled, and followed the younger man to the door. Nathan grabbed his Stetson from the peg on the wall and stepped out onto the boardwalk. Bill closed the door behind them.

Nathan knocked on the door to the oil office. Henry glanced outside the window and slowly rose from his desk. He opened the door cautiously and looked curiously at Nathan's face.

"Constable?" Henry addressed Nathan formally, unsure of the nature of his visit.

"Hi Henry. Sorry to disturb you. I was coming to ask a favor."

Henry visibly relaxed and let go of his grip on the door with a small laugh. "Of course Nathan. Come in. It's not often I've received a Mountie for a personal visit."

Nathan smiled and held his hat in his hands. Henry rounded his desk and returned to his seat, but Nathan leaned casually in the doorway. "Henry, could I borrow your office tonight? I'd like to have dinner alone with Elizabeth, and I know both the Cafe, and the Mountie office have a lot of memories with Jack. I wanted to respect that."

Henry sat back and smiled. "Of course you can, Nathan. What do you need from me?"

After a few minutes of planning, Nathan placed his Stetson back on his head, thanked Henry, and headed back out the door to the boardwalk in search of Rosemary Coulter with renewed hope in his step. A plan was coming together after-all.

A/N:

Thanks for the patience, Friends! May is such a busy month for us (and maybe everyone?) We have several family birthdays, wrapping up our homeschool year (minus a few summer classes), family visiting, and a little mini-vacation this weekend.

Mrs. Whitmore from the short story "Feels Like Home" makes her first appearance in this story.

I counted 3x cups of coffee in this chapter, but you can thank @nebula2 for the chapter title and not "The Cleanest Colon in Canada" like I told her jokingly would be the name. Poor Nathan!

This chapter was kind of a Hope Valley logistics nightmare so I'll share the map I referred to on Sunday Night Serge Facebook group.

There was a minor Allie falling asleep reading reference this chapter to Nathan's wedding speech in "You'll Always Be My Little Girl."

Allie's comment about Nathan talking in his sleep is a nod to "Kind Of Our Thing" where Gabriel overhears Nathan dreaming.

Thanks to Eoin MacLean for the rundown on what normal paperwork/expected daily duties might be & also how much a Constable makes a week.