I don't own Twilight. What I own is my character's behavior, personality, background, and plot of the story.

Thanks to my Beta MadMooey18 for making this readable.

Author's Note at the end.

Journal Entry #1

I am writing, I guess. I don't want to do this, but I trust Tyler and he thinks it will help. Honestly, I am doing this just to prove to him that his idea is shit. The guy lost a friend. Many things can help you move on from that.

I decided to write here today because I need something to stop me from throwing myself, or Peter out of the window. Peter really irritated me today. Peter bothers me most days. Part of it is that like most children he is annoying, the other part of it is Peter being Peter.

I read somewhere that children are divided into two: orchids and dandelions. The orchid kids can't handle having a trauma-filled childhood and can only thrive in a healthy one. Dandelion children like their namesake grow anywhere and everywhere.

I don't know if Adam is a dandelion child. Many times I see his behavior and thank my lucky stars for how he turned out to be. Other times I spot something in him and remember that no matter what I do, I will never make up for what Adam saw under Charlie's roof.

I do know that Peter is an orchid child, not because he is a spoiled brat or is difficult. It's because Peter can barely handle living under my roof. He would have been even worse under Charlie's roof. I am fucking up my children all on my own, and I don't know how to stop.

The problem with dandelion children is that while they function really well under traumatic circumstances, they don't thrive in healthy ones. A lot of times I see Adam do something and I realize that he is struggling to adapt to having normal things in life. Other times, something happens and Adam reacts to it as if it's okay and I find myself wondering if he can only handle things because I am traumatizing him. Is the household I am raising him in not different than the one under Charlie's too? Is he still in the surviving stage? Is my house a place you can only survive in but not thrive?

Journey Entry #2

It's been a couple of days. The last time I wrote her I found myself jumping into the deep from the get-go. It made me think of things I would rather forget. That sort of freaked me out a little bit, how little it takes for the cork to get lost and for me to spill my guts. Now that I have had time to think things through, I have two thoughts. First, I will guard this notebook with my life. I will never let anyone see it. Second of all, forgetting is I've and all, but I need to remember so I can fix what is broken, and I need something to keep me thinking of what's broken, so I will continue writing.

I showed up at Edward's office. We had to discuss the events we wanted to attend together over the next three months. I showed up at his office but he wasn't alone. He had freaking Lily there with him. I don't even remember what she did but it doesn't matter. I hate her. I hate her so much. With her perfect hair, tiny waist, and filthy rich background, she made the perfect girlfriend for Edward on paper. When I alluded to them possibly dating he didn't deny being interested in her. Instead, he told me that it would be an abuse of power on his part to date her.

It's not a yes, but isn't a no either.

This whole thing pisses me off. I am better than this. I shouldn't be bothered by it. I don't want to date. It's not in the cards for me. I know that. His interest makes this easier on me, and yet, I am angry and hurt.

God, I am acting like the bitchy ex who is acting like her ex isn't entitled to forget her. Except that the ex actually dated the guy, unlike me. I simply pretend to while wishing to. This is stupid. No amount of writing about my stupid crush on Edward will fix it. It won't stop the crush, or change my circumstances, but most importantly, I can't fix this and I don't wanna remember that it's broken, that I am broken.

Journal Entry #3

It's been two weeks since I last wrote. Today Tyler asked me if I write frequently in the journal. For a stupid, fucking reason I don't know yet, I told him yes. Apparently, I am a compulsive liar too, so now I am writing until I stop being stupid and tell him no, or until now.

Journal Entry #4

That was a lie. I lied to my journal too. That is how low I have sunk. It's been five days since my last entry, not a day, or two like it should have been. Let's see, what should I write? I don't know. You are supposed to write about the stuff you struggle with in life but when you struggle with everything, where do you start? I think I hear Adam calling me. I will go check on him then come back.

Journal entry #5

It's been five more days since my last time. I got tired of trying to figure out what I should write about, so I decided to just look up journal prompts and see how it goes.

What does your ideal day look like?

I have never thought of this. I have never had the luxury of an ideal day. Living with Charlie; it was his way or the highway except the highway wasn't an option either, so my only form of survival was his way. Then I moved to New York and while no one is controlling me, I am not completely free either, not when I can barely make ends meet.

I think my ideal day would be me waking up and having breakfast with Adam and Peter. I would then like to go for a walk in the park that would last an hour, or two. I wish modeling had more stable hours than it does. I wish I was getting more gigs. I imagine working after taking a walk would be great, be it either on my blog and social media, modeling, or acting.

Something I have been really enjoying is acting. I think I am starting to make peace with the fact that I will never be as good as my mother in modeling, and it's all thanks to acting. I can be as good as Mum but at acting instead. Maybe I won't be as good as my mum. My mum isn't easy to top, but I will get pretty close to that.

I would like to start my night by having dinner with the boys. We don't always have dinner together. Sometimes Peter gets hungry before the food for the rest of us is ready and he ends up eating before us. Sometimes Adam eats a piece of fruit or two and that curbs his appetite. Seth and I end up spending the meal alone most of the time.

I wish I could watch TV or a movie after I put the boys to bed, but almost always, that time is spent working for Aro. I didn't have the easiest job and Aro isn't the easiest person to work for either. However, the work makes up for whatever expenses I am lacking.

There is just one more thing I wish my day included, or one more person to be exact; Edward. I am not even sure how I can talk to him with so much going on in my day to day life, but I know that I would like to spend more time with him even though it sounds like a bad idea.

What advice would you give five years old you?

Don't do anything for the sake of anyone if you hate it. I wish I made some people's lives more difficult instead of going out of my way to make people who don't deserve my discomfort be comfortable. If only I refused to travel to Forks as a kid earlier and made him visit me instead. Maybe then I would have realized that Charlie never cared for me. I was always a pawn for him to play with and a toy to entertain himself with. I was a simple property he got to have. I shouldn't have moved in with Charlie when I didn't want to after mum died. I had been living with Phil for years and working for two. If push came to shove, I could have emancipated myself instead of moving in with Charlie. I would have turned out to be normal then and maybe had a shot with Edward.

I am not normal. It's not even about having two kids or trying to revive a dead career. Those are things Edward knows about already. They would never be an issue. What will be an issue is the fact that I don't know how to love. I don't know how to trust. When the person who is supposed to trust you betrays you, how do you move on from that? I don't know how to let someone in. I don't know how to shut the voice in my head telling me that he will break my heart and hurt me. I can never be certain at any given moment that what I am about to say won't be a deal breaker for him.

I know I am not easy to love. I am difficult. There are things I have done to survive that I will never forgive myself for doing. I have turned into the ugliest version of myself to survive. I don't deserve love and if I try to cheat fate by having it, it's bound to back fire in my face. I know that there are worse people out there, but them being more terrible than me doesn't take away from the fact that my act was atrocious.

Journal entry #6

It's been two days since my last entry. I was talking to Adam about cheating this morning and how it's wrong. I told him of an Arabic saying that goes like this; the rope of lying is short. He cheekily pointed out that many people who cheat get away with it for a long time before they get caught. It made me decide something, if I get the chance to cheat, I will, and I will try to get away with it for as long as possible.

Hello lovely people,

I hope you weren't disappointed with this chapter. I don't count this a chapter in the traditional sense. I think of it as something between a chapter and an outtake. The reason why I write it is because I felt that this way would be the best approach to expressing Bella's feelings and emotional evolution that would be faithful to this story's writing.

So let me know what you think? Did you hate it/love it? Should I occasionally slip in a journal entry or two? What do you think of Bella's approach? Do you think she will learn to be honest to Edward with time?

Until my next update,

Stay Safe.