Nine layers of Hell

by fvdv123

ROB, the Random Omnipotent Being, is pissed off at the Fan Fiction Authors for using and abusing his name in their stories. So, when I died, I got His revenge. Forced to live through my favorite stories, I have to avoid ending up in Hell. M for a reason, all the tropes will get their turn and there will be girls eventually. You know me, MR Cringe and Gary Stu are supervising.

4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer:

Mrs. J.K., Some worship your stories, some worship your pile of gold, I just wished I had both.

Previous:

It took a week to get me straightened out, what is left is a month of nutrition potions and gymnastics. All the blocks are gone, no more scars or mind whammies, this boy is ready for some serious nurs… action!

I slammed the doors open of the Great Hall at dinner time, and said one of the most famous movie lines: "I am Ba~ack!"

4 Mr. Anonymous.

Enough drama? It made a big impression in all the movies and TV shows, although… a little snot doing that? I say it worked for 50% of the effect I was going for. My classmates got the message alright, Potter was back, alive and smug. I'll kick them later.

Ah, the girls saved me a spot, how nice of them. I sat between Daphne and Tracey and filled my plate with chicken and fish.

"Ah, finally something else than bloody pig meat." I commented, "Hello, Daphne, Tracey, Lisa, Hermione, and Sue… or is it Li?"

The answer was confusing: "It is Li, but you can call me Sue if you want."

"I will, Sue," I smiled, "but only if you call me Harry."

I looked at the girls: "You too, of course, or did I say that already?"

Hermione exploded: "Harry? Where were you? Did you get arrested? Where is your scar? What happened to you? Are you in trouble? We heard the strangest stories, which ones are true?"

"Ehm? What was the second question?" I asked, "Or the third, the fourth… how many questions did you ask? Sue? You can call me Harry… ah! I already said that. Hermione, stop messing with my head please."

I took a deep breath and said: "The Aurors wanted to talk about Professor Snape's behavior, and some other issues came up, Professor Flitwick took me to St Mungoos and Gringots to sort some of those out, I ate a lot of pig meat, and came back here. The rest is classified."

Hermione protested: "We have the right to know! We are your classmates, what if those secrets are hindering our education?"

I sagely nodded: "You have a point, we have the right to know every secret. Sooo, at what age did you stop wetting your bed? Do you wear a training bra? When are you letting us read your diary? Daphne? Can you come up with more embarrassing questions for Hermione?"

Daphne shrugged: "No, you got your point across. Those were mean questions, Harry, don't ask those again please."

"Daphne is right, Harry," commented Lisa, "Hermione was worried for you, we all were when you didn't come back from the Headmaster's office."

"Ok, I went too far, sorry Hermione, you overwhelmed me with all your questions and got defensive. I hope you are not mad at me."

"No, I am not mad, Harry," she sighed "I know now that I am too demanding, I'll have to work on that."

Zack patted her back: "One question at a time, Hermione, and you'll be fine. Harry? Where is your scar?"

"Gone," I answered, "believe it or not, the Goblins gave it to a pig... and they made me eat that pig."

"That is hard to believe," said Zack, "Why in Merlin's name did they do that?"

I shrugged: "They had to transport that curse from my scar into a pig with a ritual, after that, they slaughtered that pig, so the next few days I had Pig on the menu, three times a day I ate Pig."

I change the subject: "So, what did I miss this week? Do I have homework?"

Hermione said: "An essay for Professor Flitwick, you can use our notes if you want. Transfiguration was interesting."

"It was," commented Zack, "Professor McGonagall is an animagus, she can change into a cat."

That was the start of a recap of all the classes I missed, not a lot by the sound of it, but it kept the conversation going. At the end of the meal, I went over to the Puff table and sat next to the pink girl.

I asked: "Hey, beautiful miss, did you mean it when you said that your father would be my lawyer for free? Because I need one."

"Yes, he would," She answered, "Mum and Da were friends of your parents before they were killed, and tried years to find you."

I looked her up and down and said "Nim? You are my Nim?"

She gasped: "You remember that? You used to call me that, even before you could say Dad."

Of course, I don't remember, I got it from Fan Fiction and took a calculated guess. It opened an opportunity to jump into her arms though. Hehe, boobs… Soft…

"Quit drooling, kid," Tonks dryly said, "You are not fooling anyone with your act. Now lose the grip while you are still conscious."

"Sorry about that… actually, I am not sorry, it was an experience that I will not lightly forget." I said when I let go, "I will treasure every second of it."

"My Da will raise his tariffs if you keep on going that road, shorty." she said while giving me a slap to the back of my head, "Write in a letter what your troubles are and what help you expect from him. Give it to me tomorrow, and we will send it to him."

"Thanks, Nim, I'll give it tomorrow." when I stood up, I whispered in her ear: "Although I already did that three days ago, while I was in Gringots, Nymphadora Tonks."

She yelled: "You cheeky brat! Stay still so I can hex your bits off!"

A few stinging hexes later I arrived back at my table.

Lisa asked: "Harassing the female population already, Harry? What was in that Pig? Steroids? Hormones?"

I shrugged: "She used to visit my parents before they got murdered. Her father is a lawyer, and I need one. I could remember her name, I called her Nim."

"I am going to work on my essay," said Zack. "I feel that staying too close to Harry can be bad for my health."

That was the start sign to move upstairs

Xxxxx

My first class the next day… Potions, I missed a whole week. I got a lot done in that week though, Tonks Sr. is my Lawyer, he went after Petunia and Vernon with a vengeance, by the end of this month he will be my guardian on the Muggle's side. Once he has that, he can force a reading of the will.

He is also preparing a statement in the papers about my living conditions and my mail issues. The bad news is that my grandparent's mansion got destroyed, no houses in other countries, no Veela enclave… a lot of galleons though. I am loaded. I did some extra shopping before I got back… yeah, I made a list and let someone fetch it, for a fee of course. Greedy buggers.

I met Neville at the door of the potion class: "Hey Neville, Megan, how is life in the badger's den?"

Neville grinned: "Our common room is awesome, we have all those rare plants in our common room, I am even allowed to take care of them."

Megan nodded: "We are lucky that our head of House is a Herbology Master, we learned a lot already."

The door swung open, "Get inside."

That set the mood for the rest of the period. Everyone hurried inside and partnered up, again I was the only one without a partner and took the spot at the back from last week.

"There will be no unnecessary talking in my class, you dunderheads need to follow my instructions to the letter or face my... Displeasure. The recipe is on the board, you have two hours to complete the potion. Begin."

That asshole skipped a lot of steps, he is the kind of man that will throw a kid into the water to teach it to swim, some learn it that way, but most of them drown though. I would have drowned, my first experience in a swimming pool was horrible, ice-cold water, and the assholes pushed me in. This kid got a thermal shock, and I swallowed a few gallons of water, bloody nearly drowned too. They had to rescue me, true story! My friends are still laughing about it, the water was only three feet deep, assholes.

Where was I? Ah, Potions, I went to grab the ingredients, had to go back twice, I took the wrong stuff, and I started brewing. You might think a Cauldron is something big, Not! They are quite small, if the cauldron is big we won't call it a Potion, we call it soup, I mean, we only need to provide a vial, the rest vanishes.

A distracting factor is that dungeon bat, he is getting on my nerves. That creep is stalking us, his comments are mean, degenerating, insulting, taking points left and right, he is avoiding me though, but focusing mostly on Neville, he must have been told to ignore me and he is taking it out on Neville.

It still annoyed me, Neville sat right in front of me, and the insults to Neville were clearly meant for me, that petty bastard. Hah! Revenge will be mine dungeon bat! It did not do much for the here and now, the bat was blocking my view of the board, so most of the time I was winging it, the cooking that Petunia forced me to do helped a bit, I pretended I was cooking soup, too bad I ended up with a vial of goo.

I even wasn't the worst, Neville had to scrape it from the bottom of his cauldron. He was shaking in his boots at the end of the class.

When we went outside I said loud enough: "Don't worry Nev, we do self-study, it can't be worse than in here, anything is better than this."

Hah, the bat kept quiet, Madam Bones must have scared the shit out of him. History was dull, and after lunch, we were elbow deep in dragon shit with Professor Sprout.

Xxxxx

After dinner, I searched for an empty classroom, one without paintings, took a sheet of parchment and my new dicta quill, and started my letter.

Mr. Moody…

If you visit the home of Barty Crouch, you will find his son in a chamber in the basement under the Imperius curse, tended by a house elf. Yes, he switched him with his dying wife. You will find that Junior is quite the fanatic Voldemort supporter.

Yours truly, Mr. Anonymous.

Two days later, the Daily Trash reported the capture of Barty Crouch Junior, and the arrest of Barty senior.

It opened the way for my second letter, in my empty classroom, I started the letter with my trusty dicta quill.

Dear Madam Longbottom,

I write you this letter to inform you of a grave injustice. Your grandson Neville is terrorized by the Potion Professor Severus Snape. What is making it worse, is that he is the one responsible for Voldemort to target your family and the Potter family.

You see, he overheard a prophecy that Sybil Trelawney made to Dumbledore, although he only heard the first lines:

The one with the power to vanquish the Dark lord approaches… born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies.

That is all Snape heard before he got caught, but he ran with it to Voldemort, it was enough for you to get targeted by him, and you were forced into hiding. Because of that prophesy, your family and the Potters suffered. Now Snape is targeting your grandson for no reason at all.

Included is the memory of his first potion class, I extracted it from one of his classmates.

I don't know why Dumbledore is protecting him, but that man is bullying everyone except Slytherins for ten years. You will notice that when you check the drop in the number of graduates in Newt Potions, 90% of them are Slytherins.

You are on the board of governors, surely you can do something, anything will be better than this situation.

Yours truly, Mr. Anonymous.

PS, Get your Grandson a new wand, his wand is not working for him for as long as his father is alive. Unicorn wands are loyal to their owner. Ask Olivander if in doubt.

My bet is that Augusta is going to spell the scrap out of Snape, or at least get him fired. Snape was nasty to Neville in that memory… I hope she kills him, I can't stand that creep.

Getting rid of Snape will be a blow to Dumbledore too, he probably had to call a lot of favors to keep his own jobs. Getting heat for keeping his pet will hurt him.

Monday, at breakfast, Dumbledore introduced the new Potion Professor, Slughorn, due to Professor Snape having other responsibilities elsewhere. That got a round of applause from all the tables, even from most of the Slytherins.

Xxxxx

I saw Neville admiring his new wand at the badger's table. I call that two birds with one spell. Damn, I'm good. This is fun! I'll do another one!

Mr. Moody,

If you visit the Gryffindor Tower, you might find an illegal animagus. Peter Pettigrew faked his death and lived for ten years with the Weasleys as a pet rat. Currently, he is with the youngest boy Ronald. Be careful, that rat is slippery, he framed Sirius Black for the murder of those muggles and for betraying the Potters.

Yes, Pettigrew was the secret keeper for the Potters, they switched because Black was too obvious, so he acted as a decoy.

You might investigate why Sirius Black was thrown in Azkaban without a trial, on orders from Crouch, Bagnold, and yes, especially Dumbledore.

Fudge wants to keep him there, so the Malfoy kid will get the Black Lordship and money.

Is that enough information?

Ah, one more thing, if you remove the turban from the Dada teacher's head, you will find that he is possessed by the wraith of Voldemort.

Yours truly, Mr. Anonymous.

Hey, this really is fun! Three birds with one Spell! I am on a roll! I am great! Bow to my will! The mighty quill will conquer all! What else can I wreck… Hmm, Miley on her wrecking ball… where was I? Ah, daydreaming.

Xxxxx

The raid began at seven in the morning, a junior Auror used stealth and invisibility, removed smell and sound, and approached the bed of Won-won like a pro-Ninja, he stunned the rat, and replaced him with another rat. Another team moved to Quirrell's bedroom and ambushed him, Moody came prepared, he used a spell to bind the Wraith into the body of the host.

At breakfast, Dumbledore sighed and announced: "This morning Professor Quirrell was arrested and put in a holding cell at the DMLE. The Dada classes are suspended until we can hire a replacement. That will be all."

I think this deserves another letter. No, two letters even, I wrote them during our free Dada hour.

Dear Mr. Flamel,

I am wondering why you allowed to let Dumbledore use your philosopher stone as bait for the Wraith of Voldemort. Maybe you are tired of living? Or do you want to give Voldemort a shot at rebirth? Ah, maybe you live in France and don't give a damn about us Brits.

Oh, perhaps you gave a fake stone to Dumbledore, if that is the case, then I am sorry for my rude words.

Yours truly, Mr. Anonymous.

The second letter:

Dear Mr. Moody,

You might have missed it on your last visit, but on the first of September after dinner, the Headmaster told us to NOT Go to the Corridor on the third floor, if you don't want to die a horrible death.

Well, a lot of students got curious. Behind the door, I opened it with an alomohora, is a Cerberus, you know, a big dog with three heads? He guards a trapdoor, when you play a bit of music, the dog falls asleep.

If you go down that trapdoor, the devil snare is waiting for you. A bit of light or fire does the trick, and you enter a room with flying keys. To catch the right key, the designer of the obstacle course provides a few brooms, very handy indeed. The next challenge is a giant chess set, if you are a bit handy at chess, you will win.

Most of the students stopped at the Troll, I agree, that is a bit too much, getting a club on your skull is not advisable. Rumors said that there are two more rooms after the Troll, but I was not that curious.

If you are interested, you might take a look yourself.

Yours truly, Mr. Anonymous.

Moody didn't even wait until the next day, he came barging in with two teams at dinner. One team went to the third floor, the other team positioned themselves around the head table. Moody went in front of the head table and faced the students.

"Who of you have been to the third floor to see what can cause your imminent death?" he barked.

Idiot, if you ask it like that nobody will raise their hands, they would be too afraid to lose a body part.

I volunteered, and stood up: "I did, behind that door is a three-headed Dog, I didn't go in though, I needed to change my underwear."

When Moody just nodded, others raised their hands, one by one, and reported how far they got. Some even got to the Giant Chess Set.

Slowly, Moody turned to the Headmaster: "You are coming along with us to the DMLE, Albus, and I doubt you can talk yourself out of this one. Insanity perhaps, that would actually be believable. Minerva, you will temporally replace him but don't think you are out of the fire, this disaster is on your head too. Get your story straight Minerva, or you will share a cell with this old fool."

McGonagall was shell-shocked, in merely three weeks Hogwarts is turned upside down. One event after another shook them up, first, it was Potter, then Augusta went after Snape and pummeled him until Snape almost saw his soul go to the Light… no, to the Black Hole.

Then Peter Pettigrew happened and Quirrell got arrested on the same morning. Two days back Nicolas Flamel came to visit Albus, she did not know what happened, but there was a hand print on each of his cheeks and he used a whoopee cushion to sit on. Now this, Albus is getting frogmarched out of the Great Hall between two Aurors. That will get in tomorrow's paper, she could already see children rush to their dorms to write a letter. Could this get any worse?

Xxxxx

Yes, it got worse, the next day the Daily Garbage had the front page devoted to Dumbledore, it was a joint effort with Solicitor Tonks, because my home life was shown and the man responsible for it. The picture of Dumbledore escorted out of the Great Hall was a nice touch.

Daphne asked: "Harry? Why do I have the feeling that you caused all of this?"

I shrugged: "Maybe you are a Seer? Tell me, can you See what is going to happen next week? Oh! Predict my future! Is my wife pretty?"

Tracey commented: "That was a nice diversion, Harry, but you did not deny or answer Daphne's question, did you cause all this mayhem?"

I protested: "Tracey! Daphne was about to predict my future! It is important to know I can get a pretty one!"

"You probably end up with Daphne, Tracey, Lisa, or Hermione." said Zack, "they are the only ones that have the nerves to be around you."

"Don't drag me in this, Zacharias!" said Lisa, "My bet is on Tracey and Daphne, Daphne needs to keep the Greengrass name, so Tracey and Daphne will end up with Harry."

"Will end up?" I asked, "Like I am the last choice? After me comes a Troll? I am a Prime Specimen of the Wizarding Race, thank you very much! I found out last week I have a fan club! My fan club is even bigger than Lockhart's fan club!"

I looked at Tracey: "Although I must say, marrying you and Daphne is at the top of my wishing list. So are Lisa and Hermione."

A lot of Fan Fiction has Harry hooking up with them, as for me? Getting the Horcruxes done is my priority, after that, I am out of here, and the local Harry can clean up the mess I leave behind. My comments got the girls blushing red hot.

I shrugged: "Relax, pretty girls, I am eleven years old, that is four years too soon to think about dating, let alone to discuss marriage."

Zack killed my comment: "Not in the Wizarding World, Harry, I am betrothed with Perenelle Vance, she starts Hogwarts next year." he grinned evilly, "I bet a lot of girls from our year are not betrothed because their parents want to catch the Boy-Who-Lived for their daughter."

I paled: "You got to be kidding me! Do these things really happen? What am I, a bloody Pokemon?"

Lisa teased me: "You better get used to it, Harry, you are the catch of the decade, famous, rich, and the Heir of an old Line. What is there not to like? I bet your Magical Guardian signed your contract already."

Fuck me! That is possible! It is one of the favorite storylines from Fan Fiction, I burn his beard off if Dumbledore and Molly hook me up with Ginny Weasley. Six older brothers-in-law are any man's worst nightmare. I have to write a letter to Tonks to check it out.

I groaned: "Son of a bitch, that is going to suck balls if that is true."

From four sides came "Language, Harry!"

"Alright... Male offspring of a female bovine, this is going to intake testicles… nope, the first line sounds better, girls." Why they always say Language, I don't know, it still is English last time I checked.

Daphne asked: "Do you think your Magical Guardian signed a betrothal contract, Harry?"

"It is possible," I answered, "But I bet I can get out of it. My Solicitor is building a case against that man for criminal neglect and abuse of Power."

Zack grinned: "Girls, you heard him, he is still on the market, Tracey, claim him if I were you, or Hermione? You have a claim too."

"Why are you my friend again, Zacharias?" I asked, "I thought bros come before ho's"

He shook his head: "Nope, that is only true if you are gay, remember, Ho's always take the first spot. Mum taught me that."

Bloody mommy's little boy, now I have to wait for Tonks Sr. to see if I have a contract or not, I am fucked either way though. My new mission? Horcrux hunting! I have to get out of here.

Xxxxx

On the seventh floor a small boy, me, was pacing next to a wall opposite a tapestry of dancing Trolls. A door appeared and I got inside the Room of Lost Things. Jack Pot! You would think, no fucking chance for that.

Imagine a poor orphan like Tom Riddle finding this room, don't you think Riddle looted this place clean? Even if he found this room in his seventh year, he would have picked the most valuable items and sold them to Borgin and Burkes. I doubt Tom had money trouble after that. A few extended bags can carry a lot, or trunks with a featherweight and shrink to the size of a matchbox, and Tom walks out the door with a lot of goodies.

No doubt, others found this room too and took the valuable stuff, only fools would let it behind. So this is a real junkyard. At best, I can have the last fifty years worth of loot, or Tom must have stashed some of it here for a rainy day when he got here for a job interview.

My mission is to find the Tiara first, the vanishing cabinet is not here, the Weasley twins will shove a Slytherin in it in my fifth year. Crap, this place is big, ok, let's think this through, I am in a panic, and have to hide that potion book. So I go for the main lane and about twenty to thirty yards in. Then I need to mark this place… a bust and a wig, with the Tiara on top of it.

Three days later, using all my free time, I found it! With my Dragon hide gloves I put the Tiara into a leather book bag. That brings me to another dilemma, what am I going to do with it?… Basilisk venom… Crap, I have to kill the Basilisk? That is not my idea of fun, and no way in Hell am I going to talk to it. That might work, or I might end up as snake chow… What to do… my options are limited, so are my spells…

I have it! I took the Tiara out and put it on the leather bag, I pointed my wand at it and yelled: "DIE!" it didn't do shit, "KILL!" "DIE DIE DIE!" "KILL KILL KILL!" I focused all my anger on it and roared: "DIE ALREADY YOU SHITTY THING!" Nope, that didn't work either, it got rid of my stress though. I have to visit Myrtle tomorrow.