Nine layers of Hell

by fvdv123

ROB, the Random Omnipotent Being, is pissed off at the Fan Fiction Authors for using and abusing his name in their stories. So, when I died, I got His revenge. Forced to live through my favorite stories, I have to avoid ending up in Hell. M for a reason, all the tropes will get their turn and there will be girls eventually. You know me, MR Cringe and Gary Stu are supervising.

13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer:

Mrs. J.K., I am having too much fun in your sandbox, Don't worry though, I still play for free.

Previous:

I hired Winky to help Kreacher clean Grimmauld Place and prepare it for a bunch of kids. The only thing left related to house elves is getting Dobby free. I have to have a talk with Lord Black.

13 The End of an Era.

Hogwarts is a mess, the only teachers left are Flitwick, Sprout, Hooch, and McGonagall, and the poor kitty is close to a nervous breakdown. The good news? Study groups were formed, the claws were the first to organize them and pulled the other Houses in, each study group was under the supervision of a sixth-year student. Newt and Owl students buckled down and forgot all the House rivalry to survive this disaster, after all, this affected their future careers.

It didn't last though, new professors were hired, and the rebellion ended when the last one was hired. It had a positive effect on the students, new inter-house friendships were made. So by the start of November, everything settled down.

We often had dinner at other tables, our group expanded with Daphne and Tracey, I felt sad that Ron didn't overcome his hate for Slytherin, I bet the twins must have put a few snakes in his bed, anyway, he started hanging out with Dean and Sean more. Susan Bones and Hanna Abbot joined our Circle, I even dragged Neville in. From the Claws, Lisa Turpin and Padma Patil joined our group. We kept the study group, even when the last teacher got hired.

Quidditch started again, Hooch canceled practice and games last month, because there were too many students flying around, with so many kids in the air doing Quidditch was prone to cause accidents. Funny thing, Quidditch, wizards and witches flying on broomsticks is so Retro, they should by now have invented something better, I mean BROOMS? Why the bloody hell are they using brooms for so long?

It is as if you take a carriage, remove the horses from it, and put a combustion motor in its place. Then you add some brakes, a steering wheel… Ok, I admit it is a bad comparison, in the end, we are still riding in a horseless carriage.

Xxxxx

This handsome Dude, yes, I know I am handsome, Teen Witch Weekly said so, Most Charming Smile for the win! Two weeks in a row! And climbing up to the list of the most desirable bachelors too! The moment puberty kicks in, then I'll take the top spot.

It was all over the Daily Fake News that the Basilisk went for 3 ½ Million Galleons, and it all went into my vault. I climbed thirty ranks up with that fact alone. Golddigger didn't shaft me, so I gave him a bonus that would cover what he would have gained if he did. Carrot and stick, and all that shit, you know.

When I read the numbers on my letter from Golddigger, I said: "Luna? Are you certain you don't want to be a future wife? They have good benefits, there are even friends with benefits positions open."

Luna sighed: "As I said before, Harry Potter, if you want to expand your Harem, ask Greengrass and Davis. I bet you get one of those two, maybe even both."

Tracey glared at Luna: "I said it before, Lovegood, don't drag us into this Potter madness, it is bad enough that our fathers are nagging us about it, so don't you start it too."

Daphne tried to change the subject: "Harry? Are you still planning to leave Hogwarts and home-school yourself with Tutors?"

I shrugged: "Sirius contacted me that he is getting out of St. Mungos at the end of November, by then we can tell if these new teachers are worth their money." I looked around, The whole study group was here, and I continued: "The perfect solution would be that everyone here come along, even though I know that is impossible. What we can do is visit in the holidays, if the tutoring doesn't happen."

Hermione commented: "It would be a bit awkward too, two boys with eleven girls, we would miss out on the socializing part of school life."

Lisa Turpin joked: "I bet our parents think differently, Hermione, instead of a few hundred females to choose from, Harry would have to take his pick from the eleven of us, which increases our chance to 9% to hook Harry. Ah! Ten of us! Luna doesn't want him. That gives us a 10%! See? Things are looking up for us!"

Luna shook her head: "Not true, Turpin, You forget that Harry has two Houses that need a wife, that is 20%, add the fact that Greengrass, Patil, and Bones need to continue their line, which gets you almost at 30%."

Hermione was shocked: "Two wives? Is that true? Daphne? What does continuing your line mean?"

"It means that I need to find a husband that allows our children to have my last name instead of his." She smiled sadly, "It is that, or being a second wife to a married couple. The Wizarding world won't accept single parents."

Crap! They are talking Noble shit! I better change the topic or I'll end up in chains before the year ends. Although… I am almost done in this Layer, what do I care about who Harry spends the rest of this story? That's right, none at all, do I want to shaft the Dude by signing marriage contracts? Very tempting indeed, let's see… Ginny, with Hanna as wives, and add Daphne, Susan, and possibly Luna as consorts. No, Neville has the hots or will get the hots for Hannah, I'll replace her with Tracey, or Lisa.

Nah, that would be cruel, five wives? The dude would not survive his twenties, he would die at thirty, they will cheat on him at forty, divorce half of them by fifty, or he fucks himself to death before he reaches sixty. Where are those contracts… dead by fuck, that is high on the list of desirable ways to die.

I hope they forgot I have House Slytherin and Gaunt by right of Conquest, or the percentage will go up to 90%. That would mean a new pelvis every five years, and a big ass bed.

Where was I? Ah, changing topic, "Tomorrow is the quidditch match against Slytherin, Oliver is driving me crazy with his training sessions, even with Ron distracting him, he demands I practice four hours a day. That man is on steroids, if he doesn't back off, he will end with a broomstick up his ass."

"Harry, language!" chided Hermione, "sometimes you are using very rude expressions, Harry."

"Hermione, sometimes it is the best way to get a point across," I complained, "He will end up with the handle of a cleaning tool in his rectum? That will get all the wrong mental pictures in your mind, don't you think?"

Ginny slapped my arm: "Stop teasing, Harry, we will watch the game. Besides, Oliver reduced training hours after Fred and George peppered him with bludgers and the rest of the team was cheering them on." Meh, it was twenty Galleons well spent.

Xxxxx

Now that Malfoy lost his chances at the Black money, Slytherin didn't get new brooms, and Little Dragon's only chance to get on the team is when he is standing in the cheering section with his pom-poms.

Anyway, luckily I had the Broom flying skill maxed out, and am currently flying circles around Pucle… Puke… Pussy...meh, who cares about his name. I had fun though, when I did that Wrongski feint, Puke Dude followed and plowed the field with his face.

Well, fuck me sideways! Ferret Boy is the spare! He dropped his pom-poms and rushed into his gear, and a few minutes later he took off with his Nimbus 2001. He is still scared of me and toured the field on the other side. To sass the kid, I focused on a spot behind him and rushed over. Litle ferret whimpered and moved aside, Yes! I am the Alpha! Lick my paws! Roll on your back! I am the only one allowed to fuck the bitches!

What was I doing? Ah, Quidditch, I felt sorry for the kid and ended the match when I spotted the snatch… snitch and grabbed the little nob. I totally avoided Ollie's hug and let the chasers do their thing, hmm, boobs, although I could not feel a thing with their gear in the way. The showers were a big let down too, Woods's hairy ass was not fun to look at, and those Twins? Not sexy at all.

Xxxxx

I got lucky though, our game was bugged, it is strange that nobody finds it weird for a waterbug to fly around in November where there is not a drop of water in sight.

The next day the Daily Rubbish headlined:

Exclusive interview with Heir Harry Potter!

Dear readers,

Yesterday, your fateful reporter watched a Quidditch match between Hogwarts houses Slytherin and Griffindor. As you already know, our Boy Who Slayed is the Gryffindor's seeker, and let me tell you, he is a very talented seeker! With a hair-raising Wrongski feint, Harry Potter tricked Slytherin's seeker to follow him in his dive, the poor Slytherin boy was too late to pull up and crash on the field. The replacement seeker, Young Malfoy, made his debut but was not a match for the skills of our Savior. Heir Potter ended the game 250 to 60.

After the game, I had the opportunity to have an exclusive interview with our young Hero.

RS: "You are a talented flyer, Heir Potter, you started last year as a firstie, how did that come to happen?"

HP: "Oh, with something stupid honestly, Draco Malfoy threw something away, and I happened to catch it while Professor… no, the current Headmistress saw it through her window. The next thing I knew, she dragged me to the charms class and asked that she could borrow Wood. At that point, I thought she was going to give me a beating with a piece of wood. Turned out that Oliver Wood was the team captain, and the Headmistress told Wood that I was the new seeker."

RS: "Oh, so you did not try out for the position?"

HP: "Nope, it was the first time that I sat on a broom, at least, I doubt I sat on one as a baby. You can say that I got that position as a punishment, Madam Hooch was escorting a classmate to the Hospital wing and told us to stay on the ground. I love to fly though."

RS: "That is a whole new look I have on this now, most of the people thought you strong-armed or bribed your way into the team. This is new, getting in the team as a punishment, while others can only dream of it."

HP: "Well, if someone wants my spot, they are welcome to it. Next year, I think Ginny Weasley will do great as a seeker, she comes out of a family of excellent fliers and is very talented. Me? I just love to fly, Quidditch is just a reason to be in the air."

RS: "I did not expect that answer, another question is about your home where you grew up, can you tell our readers about it?"

HP: "There is not much to tell about it really, Dumbledore and McGonagall dropped me on my aunt's doorstep like a piece of trash. My aunt found me half frozen the next day in a vegetable basket with a letter. My relative hates and fears Magic, and as you know, kids in stressful situations often have bouts of accidental Magic. This started a vicious circle, I did accidental Magic, and they beat me up for it, I got stressed by that treatment, and did some more accidental Magic. I suspect that they even tried to get rid of me, like dropping me off at an orphanage, because in one of my uncle's rants, he shouted that he could not get rid of me, so he at least tried. Dumbledore knew this all and didn't do a thing to help me."

RS: "Why would he have done this to you? There must be at least a reason for all this."

HP: "You Know Who (Heir Potter said his real name) is that reason and his death eaters that bribed their way out of Azkaban."

RS: "Surely not You Know Who? You vanquished him in 81! And those alleged death eaters swore an oath that they were imperioused by death eaters!"

HP: "Don't be naive, Miss. Skeeter, of course, they could swear that oath, they trained that spell on each other! Ask those poor Imperio victims, did they swear an oath they did not follow willingly You Know Who's cause? (Again he said his real name!) That they did not willingly get branded with that tattoo?"

RS: "No, they all swore the same oath, they got imperio'd by death eaters, nothing else."

HP: "Well Miss. Skeeter, if I was Imperio'd and got that slave brand, I would shout it out! I would swear every oath on my life and Magic, I would cut that brand from my arm and proudly show to everyone that I got rid of that horrible mark of shame. But, as I read it in your earlier editions, they donated some Galleons to a charity, mostly a charity they have under their own control, so they could recuperate most of their gold."

RS: "Those are harsh allegations, Heir Potter, it is close to slander, and defamation. Do you have any proof of this?"

HP: "Simple deductions, Miss. Skeeter, a lot of Imperio victims were forced to torture and kill their own family, even give their hard-earned Galleons away, some were working in key positions in the Ministry. All those demanded Veritaserum, do you see the difference? Others, like my godfather got dumped in Azkaban without a trial. This exposes a disease in our society, a Rot that needs to be cut away before it infects the good people. Dumbledore out of his positions is a good start."

RS: "Those are brave words Heir Potter, dangerous words even. But, didn't you say that You Know Who was the reason why Dumbledore put you away? He died! You killed him!"

HP: "Well, Miss. Skeeter, did someone see his corps? That man was so deep into the dark arts, that he is not truly dead, I saw him last year when that… he is between a ghost and a wraith, he possessed our Dada Professor Quirrel. Somehow he still roams the world as a pathetic vapor. He was never a real Lord anyway."

RS: "He was the Heir of Slytherin! A lot of Lords acknowledged that!"

HP: "Nope, think about it, the last line from Slytherin, was the Gaunts, they were impoverished, inbred, and crazy. Any heir of Slytherin must have come from that House. What sane wizard would follow a Gaunt? His real name is Tom Marvolo Riddle, the son of a Muggle squire and the squib Merope Gaunt."

RS: "That can't be! Do you have proof of this?"

HP: "When I researched the Secret Chamber, Tom Riddle framed Hagrid, for opening the chamber, although Hagrid had an Acromantula pet. Proof… if you rearrange the letters in his name, you get I am Lord V…. The father of Merope was Marvolo Gaunt, the neighbors of the Gaunts were the Riddle's and Tom Marvolo Riddle killed them all."

Dear readers, I ended the interview at that, my purpose was to interview a young boy with a talent for Quidditch, my interview was with a confident Young Heir of two Houses, that was not afraid to speak his mind. And had serious accusations, we were almost too afraid to print them. But we decided to let you make your own mind up to believe or reject it.

Your loyal reporter Rita Skeeter

More about the Wrongski feint on page 8

More about the trials after You Know Who's death on page 3

You Know Who's real name or a fake? On page 4

Dumbledore, senile or a Dark Lord? More on page 5

I expected Harry Potter, bat shit-crazy? But, 56% is telling the readers that I am right.

Daphne asked: "Potter? Did you write your Will? If not, I would hurry, mark me up for a million or two, if you have some interesting books, I'll bet Hermione wants them, Ginny? What about you, cash or Heirlooms? I bet as you were named his future wives, you got first pick of the treasure. Tracey and I are next, our fathers are Regents, that should count for something."

Luna pouted: "Hey! I want some of the loot too! Harry! No less than a million, and some books about magizoology."

Lisa Turpin protested: "Hey you greedy harlots! Leave something for us. Harry, divide it into equal parts, that is only fair."

"I am not dead yet, Lisa" I looked at the other girls, "And I am not planning to die soon either. All of you want a piece of me, what the Hell do I get?"

Tracey joked: "A swift death if they are mercy full."

Neville commented: "Harry, you said out loud what a lot of people were thinking, but this will attract a lot of attention of the wrong sort."

Daphne shook her head: "What surprised me more is that Rita dared to print it like that, usually she has a vicious tongue and is in the pockets of the Dark faction."

"Ah, my fair Maiden," I smugly said, "I might not control that Vicious Tongue, but I do control the paper that is printing it."

Xxxxx

Lunch was interrupted by the arrival of Fudge and his posse, a set of nobles followed, ah, my Regents and Sirius are here too, they must have expected this. The popinjay had a hard time finding me, we are sitting with the snakes today, when he finally spotted me, the pompous ass strode to my spot.

He opened his mouth: "Harry Potter! You are accused of slander and defamation, you will be escorted to the holding cells in the Ministry awaiting your trial."

I showed my rings: "Show the arrest warrant, you idiot, did Aurors investigate those accusations? Are you one of those who accept bribes?"

"Look here boy'" he fumed, "You can not slander upstanding members of our society and get away with it."

Sirius's voice came from behind: "Minister Fudge, I hope you have an arrest warrant from the DMLE, because if you dare to arrest my Heir without one, then I will have you arrested. And, I Sirius Orion Black, swear on my Magic that I never took Voldemort's Mark willingly or unwillingly. So Mote It. Be. Lumos! Nox!"

When the glow faded, Sirius said: "Now you, Minister, swear that you never took bribes from the time you got elected till now."

Fudge's head almost exploded, more so when Lord Davis said: "Don't worry Minister, I contacted Madam Bones, I'll bet she will be here any minute. To pass the time, maybe you can make that oath? Or the other esteemed Lords here? Lucius? As a victim, you would not have a problem casting that oath would you, a truly innocent victim would proudly recite that oath every day for the rest of his life."

Sirius commented: "I will demand that oath from Narcissa too, Lucius, it will define if she will remain a Black or become an outcast."

The other Lords felt cornered, they did not expect Black, Greengrass, and Davis to be here waiting for them. Neither did Fudge, it got worse when Madam Bones arrived, she looked at the spectacle, and came closer.

"Cornelius, did you storm in here again without thinking ahead?" asked Bones, "We investigated the allegations Heir Potter made in the Daily Prophet, and what he said could be true after all, I expect upstanding members of our society to come forward and make those oaths, and prove him wrong, only after that can we arrest him for slander."

I grinned at Lord Not, he is the spitting image of his son: "Lord Not! What about you? You must be eager to denounce that you followed a Muggleborn?"

Lord Greengrass recited: "I Cyrus Benedict Greengrass, swear on my Magic, that I never willingly or unwillingly took the Mark from the Dark Lord Voldemort, also named Tom Marvolo Riddle and You Know Who. So Mote It Be! Lumos! Nox!"

Lord Greengrass said: "You see? It is not a complicated oath, I for one can recite it every day if you want."

When Madam Bones and her team of Aurors recited the oath one by one, Fudge knew he lost the case.

Sirius slammed the last nail into the coffin: "We are going to demand that every Wizengamot member takes this oath, Fudge, and the bribe oath for every department head and minister, including your undersecretary."

Without a word, Malfoy turned around and left the Hall, followed by his fellow death eaters, and Fudge.

Lord Greengrass turned to me: "Heir Potter? Are you trying to turn my hair gray? Because you are doing a good job at it."

Luna dryly commented: "That is the job of every Son-in-law, Lord Greengrass, don't worry though, she gets two million from his Will."

Daphne's head exploded: "Luna! Don't twist my words around!"

I teased: "But Daphne, you asked me to mark you up for a million or two in my Will."

"That is because you made enemies of half of the Wizengamot you dunce!" she almost shouted.

Sirius softly said to Cyrus: "That daughter of yours is a smart one, a bit hot-headed but boys like that."

Bernard chuckled: "And foolish me thinking Daphne was the cool one and my Tracey the hotheaded, maybe that is why they are such good friends, Cyrus."

Sirius got serious: "We better leave and prepare for the next Wizengamot session. Pup, if you have more of these surprises, warn us upfront, will you?"

I nodded: "I'll try, Lord Black, Daphne has a point though, I really should write my Will. Can you fetch me next weekend to escort me to Gringotts?"

Madam Bones, who was whispering to Susan heard me: "I'll be your witness for that Will, Heir Potter, so there won't be any disputes like with your parents will."

Xxxxx

Fudge, in all his wisdom, did call an emergency Wizengamot session for the next day, before he tried to arrest me. Madam Bones took the opportunity to sweep through the Ministry and demanded the oats. The tally was staggering, every department had some with the Mark, and almost every department head refused to take the bribery oath, Madam Bones made a concession by altering the words of the vow. Instead of taking bribes, it is taking bribes that caused criminals to avoid 10 years in Azkaban.

She did force a new contract for every employee, for them to work for the betterment of the people, and not join any group that had the purpose of overtaking the Ministry, or politically influencing the people to revolt. It was not a perfect contract, but it will do for now.

Madam Bones cleared the Ministry in one day, she was shocked that five death eaters were in her department and razed through the Ministry like a tornado. The holding cells were occupied that evening, even Umbridge got one.

The death eater Lords didn't show up at the next Wizengamot meeting, they heard of the purge and decided that the continent was a better option to live out their lives, when every Lord swore the oath, the real session could begin. Sadly for Fudge, they forced him to swear the oath or to be questioned with Veritaserum. Either way, Fudge got fucked.

Xxxxx

That Saturday, Sirius, Cyrus, Bernard, and Madam Bones escorted me to Gringotts, Golddigger, and Blooddagger were expecting me and got news.

"As you suspected, Heir Potter," started Blooddagger, "Yesterday, we found the last Horcrux in the Gaunt shack. To our surprise, it was a Peverell heirloom. What surprised us more was that Dumbledore was in that shack lying dead on the floor, and he had the Peverell ring on his finger. There was a withering curse on the ring and a strong compulsion to wear it. We destroyed the Horcrux, and present you the ring."

Carefully, Blooddagger put a wand, Dumbledore's, next to the ring, and said: "We recognized the ring for what it represents, and this wand makes it part of a set. We believe that you can complete that set and are curious what effects it will have, or what abilities you will gain. Several clan elders want to be a witness, will you allow them to see you try to unite the Deathly Hallows?"

It seems ROB is fucking with me, I sighed and nodded: "Let them come in, Blooddagger, I'll bet they are waiting around the corner."

Golddigger pushed a button on his desk and commented: "That would be a suckers bet, Heir Potter."

The room filled up with the retirement center of the goblin nation, they were old, very old, extremely old, some already with one leg in their grave, some even with both legs. I enlarged my trunk and retrieved my cloak, I donned the cloak, put the ring on my finger, and took the wand in my hand, the wand bonded to me with some nice light effects.

When nothing more happened, I sighed, again, and raised the wand: "I, Harry James Potter, claim House Peverell, by Blood, Magic and Heirlooms, So Mote It Be!"

Now, that triggered a light show! Not only a light show, a Magic pulse radiated from me, giving those old Goblins a serious pepper-up. My 90% got up to 100% the Lovegoods were Deathly Hollow believers, and I bet Luna is already contacting a wedding planner.

Cyrus was dazed, he saw history being made by a twelve-year-old boy, he looked at Bernard and nodded, they found their son-in-law.

"Congratulations, Lord Peverell, shall I arrange for the Peverell vault to be reopened?" asked Golddigger.

"Yes, Golddigger, and as you already proved to me that you can be trusted, I want you to manage that account too," I told him, better the devil you know, and all that crap. How many tropes did I collect today? Yes, MOD, the Master Of Death! Add five Lordships to the mix, no, eight if you count Bones, Greengrass, and Lovegood with it. Yeah, ROB is laughing his ass off.

I wrote my Will, Daphne got her million or two, Hermione her books, everyone got a piece of me. I felt like a bloody Santa.

Xxxxx

I opened my eyes when I heard a voice: "Robe Me." SHIT!