Hello :P It is Wednesday and I am back with a new update. This one is a special one for me and I also personally feel it's one of my best, probably because it's so raw and real to me. When my cat passed away, I knew I would end up turning my emotions and thoughts into many stories. I wrote this one and it was really helpful to me. Like Ash and Ben in this story, I was having a hard time dealing with my first ever experiences of grief. A few days after writing it, I began to cry and heal. So I hope you enjoy this special fic to me :3
Ages:
Ash: 34
Ben: 14
Disclaimer: I own the story and Ben :3
I breathed out and nuzzled into my best friend's chest, enjoying the closeness and his scent more than ever. As the years went by, we got closer still each and every day. You would think spending every single day with someone for years and years on end would put turmoil on our relationship but it just didn't. We grew stronger, together and apart. He was my everything. My brother, my best friend, the human version of me. We did everything together. And in times such as these, I made sure he knew that even more frequently than I used to tell him and show him before.
Ash gave me a small smile and pulled me even closer to him, enjoying the closeness just as I was. He reached his fingers down and began to scratch my back gently. My favourite treat from my favourite person.
I could have just fallen asleep as my best friend was massaging the top of my spine when the door to the living room opened and in walked Benjamin Ketchum. There had been a lot on his mind lately but Ash's chocolate orbs softened and brightened at the sight of his son. The friction of Ash's fingers were warming my skin but how he looked at Ben warmed my heart. Such a special bond is father and son. I always imagined Ash having a son and him being exactly like Ben. I guess sometimes life can be picture perfect.
Benjamin returned his father's smile and gave him a wave with his gloved hand but his eyes didn't light up the way the older Ketchum's did. His smile was soft and sweet but his eyes just didn't want to play along. My best friend had been pretty dense at Ben's age but after many years and a lot of life experience, he was getting good at reading expressions.
He continued smiling at his son as he patted next to the sofa for him and Ben was quick to dump his backpack on the floor and come and sit down and join us. I smirked slightly as he had left his shoes on but didn't seem to even think this was messy behaviour as he lifted his feet up onto the foot stall. I smirked more when Ash gave me back the same look. Misty would definitely have told Ben to take his shoes off before putting them up there but Ash did exactly the same thing as Ben so he definitely wasn't going to tell him off.
I watched as Ash's smirk soon faded into inward concern as the black and messy haired teenager let out a nonchalant sigh and took off his cap before resting the back of his head on his father's shoulder. He looked at his son and could imagine what was wrong but didn't quiz him too deeply just yet.
"How ya doing, buddy?" he asked gently, giving him a mock and playful punch in the jaw with one hand as he went back to massaging my cheek with the other.
I blushed when I couldn't help but let out a contented noise despite the fact Ben was clearly melancholy but neither of them seemed to mind. In fact, it seemed to make the atmosphere more cosy and open if I do say so myself.
Ben just shrugged and reached down to take his fingerless gloves off before massaging his fingers, leaning his head further back against his father. After that, he let out another sigh and shrugged once again.
"I don't know. That sounds like a lame answer but I honestly don't know."
This could have meant one of many things seeing this was Ben and he was a teenage boy but with what had just happened, all the signals pointed in the direction of the thing that had affected us all deeply. Ash gave his son a sad smile, reaching to ruffle his messy and slightly greasy teenager locks.
"I know, buddy, I know." My best friend replied softly before shutting his eyes, moving his finger to rub my nose as he spoke to his son. "It's okay to feel whatever you want to feel right now, Ben. You can be angry, you can be confused, you can be sad, you can be-"
"I'm fine." Ben interrupted his father but not in a rude way, far from it. The way he said it was softly and with slight bewilderment and with a sigh. Given the circumstances, once again, this was pretty normal. "That's the problem, I really am fine. And that makes me feel like the worst human being in the world."
Both Ash and I shared a smile before giving this understanding smile to Ben. Following that, we looked at each other and although our ears didn't hear the sigh, our eyes sure did it.
A few weeks ago after a sudden decline in mind-set and health, Professor Oak had passed away. The way he died was beautiful. In his home, surrounded by loved ones and as peacefully as one could possibly leave this earth. He died at 84 – a fantastic age. There was nothing to be sad or angry about for the way he died. But the fact that he died could make us sad or angry if that's what we felt in our hearts. Professor Samuel Oak was a dear friend and a father figure to many and we would all miss him so very much.
When Ash didn't speak for once and just looked at his son with empathy, Ben continued.
"I just don't know what to make of any of this. Does that make sense? This man was and still is a huge part of my life. He gave me my very first Pokémon and has been here since I was born. That dude was awesome. He was my best friend's great grandfather. I feel a hole in my heart but I really am fine. Life goes on, I guess."
Ash was too busy thinking of something to say to his eldest son but I couldn't help but beam with pride. I had watched my best friend grow and grow and grow until he had eventually become a man. I was honoured to get to watch that with Ben too and the other Ketchum children. Judging by the way he expressed how he felt, Benjamin was not far off reaching man hood. In some ways. His height was still lacking slightly but he certainly inherited a little bit of his mother's maturity.
The raven haired teenage boy let out a quiet sigh at his father's unusual silence and furrowed his brow, reaching down to twiddle with his bare thumbs. He wasn't used to him taking so long to reply and normally they were fighting for space to talk seeing as they were both so talkative. He showed a lot of a mixture of his mother and his father when he got worried Ash was upset with him.
"That makes me seem like an awful person, I know it does. I do miss him it's just that-"
Seeing his son was getting worried and his chocolate orbs were filling with slight frustrated tears, Ash was quick to talk and console him.
"You don't sound like an awful person, buddy, you could never." The Pokémon Master gave his son a shake of his head and a sincere look in his eyes before continuing. "I don't know what to say because I feel the exact same way as you, Ben, and I'm having a hard time with it too."
Relief filled the young man's face before tilting his head on one side like a curious puppy and his eyes widened. He couldn't help but show off a tiny smile despite everything, that he and his father were joined together once again. They really were truly two of a kind.
"Really? You know how I feel?" Ben asked simply and with childlike innocence, filling my heart with love that he was getting older but was still deeply pure at heart.
Ash nodded his head and couldn't help but smile back at his son's maturing but still soft and childlike face. After showing off his gentle smile, my best friend reflected on the words he just said and how he felt in his heart.
"I really do feel the same as you. I'm kinda winging this if I'm honest. I don't know how to feel either. I've never really lost anyone super close to me."
Ben's eyes widened upon hearing this before his brow furrowed, turning his body round to properly look at his father as they engaged in conversation.
"Really?" he asked once again before reaching his hand to rub the back of his neck. "But you've done so much and you've been to so many places and you know so many people. Surely you've lost just one of them?"
Ash's thoughtful expression brightened at the memories of everything he had been blessed to experience in his life time and he reached to stroke my nose once again. We had gone so far and done so much. But one of our biggest adventures together was life after journeying, when everybody settled down and joined their hearts with their loved ones and made the earth bigger with wonderful offspring.
"I've known people who have died. And people close to me have, that's for sure and I've dealt with little bits of grief here and there. I've grieved the loss of a child I didn't get to meet and that was awful. I can't explain but it wasn't like this. That was so different. Professor Oak is someone who I have seen almost every day since the day I was born and he took me under his wing and became sort of a father figure to me. He's been sort of a father figure to everyone. He gave me my first Pokémon. Without him, I wouldn't have met Pikachu then I wouldn't have met Misty then I wouldn't have had you then…"
Ben sniffed and his own eyes pricked with tears when his father had to trail off what he was saying when his voice suddenly cracked and his eyes filled up with tears. I smiled softly at him as both his son and I patted his shoulders gently. It was funny how he was just talking about how fine he was and how he didn't know how to feel when all of a sudden he was showing the exact appropriate emotions. He was grieving. He put into words for his son how amazing Professor Oak was when he was moved to tears. But they weren't sad ones.
Ash gave us a brave smile and wiped his eyes before reaching out and patting his son's knee. He cleared his throat before continuing to talk.
"Like I said, I haven't really had to deal with grief before but I'm told that's pretty normal. Suddenly getting teary over the little things seems to be my speciality if I'm honest. I didn't cry too much at his bedside and I was too proud of the life he lived to shed a tear at his funeral. But I will get choked up at the little things. Photos of him. Sharing memories with others. Thinking to myself I should give Professor Oak a call then remembering."
Ben nodded sadly when Ash's eyes pricked with tears again and he rested his head back on his shoulder. He reached out and stroked my ear as he spoke.
"You said you haven't dealt with grief before and you're not really sure what to make of it but it seems to me like you really know what you're talking about. For once."
He gave his father a cheeky smile and a poke as he made fun of him but for once, Ash didn't smirk and fight back. He went quiet. I watched as his expression turned thoughtful and his hand reached up to pat down his messy locks. I knew he was about to get deep when Ash swallowed before talking.
"One of the hardest things I've ever had to experience in life is grieving the loss of someone who was still alive. My dad." Ash breathed out when his eyes filled with tears but he continued talking, wanting to share with us what was in his heart and mind. "My dad wasn't ready to have me. I witnessed him coming in and out of my life then eventually leaving for good – until we patched things up when I was almost a man, of course. It deeply hurt me that he didn't want me. It made me angry. It made me sad. It made me confused. He chose to not see me. He chose to act like he wasn't ready rather than making an effort to make himself ready."
Ash paused for breath and both Ben and I listened and nodded wordlessly but Ash had the attention of our ears and our hearts. My best friend breathed out once again before continuing.
"That was really rough on me. And that's why I think we're all not too cut up about Professor Oak dying. Of course we are going to miss him so very much and it's sad for those that will come into this world without getting to meet him. There will be in a hole in our hearts every day and memories that remind us of how incredible he was and how lucky we were to know him. But he was meant to go. He was meant to die. He lived his life and he did what he had to do here and a few weeks ago was his time to go. But with my dad, it was in his hands whether he wanted to be in my life or not. He could have changed everything if he wanted to. But he didn't. So it made people angry. It made people hurt and it made people confused. So that was my first dealing with grief."
Both Benjamin and I breathed out and didn't speak any words for a minute as we looked at Ash, stunned. For once, I was blown away into having no words to describe how I felt in that moment but many years have passed since that day and now I know what to say.
It filled me with every kind of emotion that a little boy – and not just any little boy – but the little boy that was going to grow up to be my everything – was subjected to that kind of emotion. I was blown away with how he got older, Ash put into words those feelings that he felt and was brave enough to share them with his son and I. That was a blessing. He was a blessing.
Ben breathed out once again before nodding his head at his father, his eyes filling with tears as his growing up mind took in the depth of what Ash just said. He continued nodding his head for quite some time.
"It makes me sad you didn't have a dad around because you are my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without you but maybe you and I wouldn't be as close as we are if your father's absence and rocky behaviour hadn't been something you had to deal with."
Ash smiled somewhat tearfully at his son and was quick to correct him but I knew Ben's words had meant a lot.
"You and I were always going to be close, buddy. You and your mom and your siblings are my everything." He nodded his head sincerely as he wrapped his arm around his son's shoulders and pulled him close.
Ben was happy to lean back into his arms and return the affection. We all stayed silent for quite a few moments, just peaceful and content with the fact the universe had a way of sorting everything out and making everything the way it was meant to be. Once again, it was Ben who broke the silence.
"It's sad when a person dies and only the people around them or had known them know and are in mourning. When someone dies, it seems as though the whole world should be in mourning. It seems like the sun shouldn't rise and the birds shouldn't sing and the tides shouldn't go in and out. But they do. And I know there's all science and that crap but I don't care. I think that when we die, we become a part of the universe and it's those lost making these amazing things happen for those still left on this earth."
Ash and I breathed out with pride and looked at each other with tear filled eyes as the fourteen year old Benjamin Ketchum finished his mini speech. He was meant to be dense and he was meant to be innocent but that kid spoke from his heart. And when he did that, he was incredible of speaking and thinking deep and incredible things.
Professor Oak lived a deep and incredible life. He gave. He educated. He encouraged. He included. He created. He hypothesised. He shone like a star that was as rare and as gentle as he was. When I thought back to what Ben said, I wondered what he had become. Was he the trees or was he the tide? Was he the sun or was he the sky? I didn't know. No one could know. What I did know was that he was Professor Oak. We were blessed to know him. We were grateful to be there to witness his last breathe. We were honoured that our voices or our breathing would have been the last thing that he heard. We would continue to apply his teachings to every single day of our lives and we would glow with memories of this wonderful man. He had made us laugh. He had made us think. He had made us better people. And he had made us all as strong and sturdy and as wise as the tree that he shared his name with.
The End.
There you go! Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed :3 It really was enjoyable for me to write this even though of course something horrible had to happen for me to be able to do that. I also had fun writing about Ash and Ben seeing as they're a great duo together and it was fun showing them maturing together rather than goofing off. Even though nothing could stop them doing that :P This story touched on a lot of important emotions for me so really thanks for reading. I will be back on the 28th with Dear Darlings so see you then!
AmyBieberKetchum signing out :3