Hello :P It is Wednesday and I am back with a new chapter. I wrote this one a few months ago and it was kind of based off the idea of how I felt a film was going to turn out before I actually saw it. And now reading it back and having seen said film, it's actually quite similar to a relationship portrayed in that! I've uploaded a story about Jonah's Father, Jesse, before. But in this chapter, through Noah opening up to James, we find out more about his character. So I hope you enjoy :3
Disclaimer: I own the OCs with AAML-TAML!
James hovered in the door way with me on his shoulder and just breathed out, the palm of his hand resting on the wall to the right of the door frame. We shared a look, but it wasn't a proper look. The lavender haired male barely met my eyes. He was too busy worrying. He was too busy being concerned. He was too busy studying. He soon went back to studying. His head tilted on one side so he could get a proper look inside the conservatory. He looked at his grandfather.
The old man with the grey hair continued sitting in the conservatory room of he and Josie's house, surrounded by greenery and potted plants. He had a photo box on the arm of his chair. He had many a photo in his lap. He was studying them. He was studying them almost as hard as his lavender haired grandson was studying him. His own head was tilted. His eyes looked sad.
James seemed to hold his breath. He had never noticed that about Noah before. He had never noticed how sad his eyes looked. He had never noticed how they resembled that of a little, lost boy. He had always figured that it was his height that gave him that air about him. But no. It was all in the eyes. They were lost. And that day, they looked particularly sad. They looked particularly thoughtful. They were asking for help. So James and I didn't hesitate to move on into the room and grant his wish.
The lavender haired male went about his actions as casually and quietly as he often did. He didn't knock on the door – he didn't need to. He was always welcome in his grandparents abode. So he just headed on in the door with me after pushing it open quietly. He headed straight for his grandfather. He headed straight for Noah. He moved to hover over the arm chair next to his before he perched himself down in it. He didn't need to greet the older male. He didn't need to take a proper glance at the photos in his lap either. He knew what he was doing. He smiled sympathetically, but not pityingly.
"Old photos, huh?" James asked his grandfather softly and right away, this got his attention. But Noah didn't reply. He didn't reply with words and he didn't reply with actions either. He didn't speak. His eyes just flickered from side to side. And then he went back to looking at the photos in his lap. That was answer enough. James continued, pushing his long locks from his face. He edged closer to the older male but still didn't intrude. "Is it him?"
Like how James' first words didn't lead to a word filled response from the older male, his second ones didn't either. But they did lead to another sort of reaction. And somehow it was filled with more emotion and telling than any amount of words ever could.
Breath hitched in Noah's throat. At first and only for a split second, he felt like he couldn't breathe. His throat was closing up. He inwardly shook his head at himself. He forced himself to regain composure. He forced himself to remain relaxed. He swallowed. He managed to feel a bit more in control of his breath. He still couldn't stop the whites of his eyes from showing, though.
Wordlessly, the older male nodded his head. The lavender haired male just nodded his head along with him, slowly, but didn't say anything else. He didn't say any other words. But gradually and fraction by fraction, the grey haired male's eyes began to meet his grandson's. James took control of his own breath after it lightly hitched his throat but soon enough he didn't hesitate to come out and asked. He asked with his eyes.
Noah was quick to respond with yet another slow nod of his head. His eyes focused on James' before they looked away. He remained nodding his head, though he didn't say any words. It was okay. It was okay for the younger male to have a look at the photos. The ex-police officer let out another exhale when his grandson glanced at the three photos on his lap before choosing one. He picked one up in his thumb and index finger.
Though I got the impression that James had a lot on his mind and a lot of opinions he wanted to express, he kept quiet. He remained respectful. He understood the memories and happiness that stayed lacing each and every photo.
"Oh yes, it's definitely him." James nodded and commented to his grandfather and this caused Noah's sad and withdrawn expression to become laced with curiosity. He hadn't expected the younger male to come out and say that. Somehow before the lavender haired male even continued, Noah understood there was more meaning to his words than first appeared. "You can see the chaos in his eyes. It's written all over his face. That's definitely the Jesse I've heard about."
I looked over at Noah, the same sympathy in my orbs that James had possessed when he first entered the room. I swallowed alongside him. The lavender haired male's words were not out of place. They were not disrespectful nor were they crude. They were pretty basic, in fact. They were simple. But that still didn't stop Noah's throat from filling with hurt all over again. His eyes filled with even more tragedy than before. And no wonder. It had all been hard on him.
"You think he has chaos in his eyes?" Noah surprised both James and I by talking in a low tone while his hand reached out to stroke his own moustache but the ex-rocketeer hid it better than I did. He just nodded his head. I continued looking at Noah, the whites of my own eyes showing. I was listening intently. The elderly man found himself continuing to talk in a thoughtful tone. "Chaos certainly followed him wherever he went. Josie always said that. She also used to say that I never did the right thing when it came to him. I think yesterday was the first time that I was able to move against him."
That time, it was James' turn to be quiet and thoughtful. He kept the vintage photograph in his hand but his other one went to his lap. His fingers played with one and other. He looked over at his grandfather with listening eyes, not saying anything. He had entered the room to keep the older man company. And to make sure that he was okay, first and foremost. He wasn't expecting to be spoken to. He wasn't expecting to be spoken to with such honesty and vulnerability. But it was good. Noah had a lot to get off his chest. And no wonder.
Just the day before that, out of the blue he'd had a visit from someone 'up there' who was heavily a part of his past. It was an old police buddy. It was Jonah's father. It was Jesse. Noah hadn't reacted to it very well I'm told. In fact, apparently he acted most unlike the man that we had all grown to know and love. Things got heated. Things got intense. Josie and Noah turned Jesse away. It was for the best. But the reason that it was the best I had yet to find out. I wasn't sure I wanted to find out if it made me sense even more sadness in the elderly man that I was already feeling.
"That must've been hard." James finally broke his silence in the same quiet and mumbling tone as his grandfather and I couldn't help but listen to them both. I was still on the shoulder on the lavender haired male but I was most definitely there for them both. Well, to tell you the truth, I was slightly more there for Noah. He was the one with the underlying vulnerability. James could sense it. James could heavily sense it. And that was why he was very hesitant with the next part of his words. "How… How come I've barely been told about him? Clearly he means or meant a lot to you. I knew that Jonah's father passed away but I didn't have a clue that it was the same person."
Like I suspected from the older male, Noah held his breath all over again. He wasn't even intending to. He was barely thinking about his reactions. He was just doing what he was doing in each and every moment. He was barely thinking. Well, he was. About one person in particular. Only one person was occupying his mind.
His furrowed his brow at himself after exhaling heavily. He slowly glanced over to look at his Grandson's face and he was expecting him to be looking back down at the photo of the strawberry blonde and lavender eyed male. He was not. He was looking right back at him. And he was waiting for an answer. Noah had to give him one. And to tell you the truth, after looking into his grandson's accepting and gentle eyes, he found it easy being honest with him. It would still be hard being honest with himself, though.
"I… I've always found it hard to talk about him." Noah began and I noticed how he didn't say his name. That was proof of how hard he really did find it all. I could tell James making note of the same thing but most importantly, he was listening to the ex-police officer's honest words. "There's so much guilt involved. Guilt over his passing. There's so much annoyance there too. Annoyance at the man he became in the end. Or maybe he was that man all along. Only I was too stupid to see."
"It didn't start off so complicated though, did it? You met because you got him a job in the police academy, isn't that right?" James found himself responding to his grandfather rather quickly despite the quiet tone of both their voices. I listened, my head on one side as I moved onto his opposite shoulder to be nearer to both the Morgan Men equally.
Even though the conversation was difficult and hushed, Noah couldn't stop himself from replying to his grandson as promptly as he had done to him. He nodded his head, his hand once again playing with his grey moustache on his upper lip.
"It started with the police academy and it ended with the police academy. That's right." Noah told James with a nod of the head and all of a sudden, the old man's eyes seemed to light up a fraction. He almost couldn't stop himself from smiling slightly. It was evident that he had fond memories, even if things ended up the way that they had. It was evident that he had had happy times. And he couldn't stop it from showing on his face as he took back the photo that James had chosen. "I think it was always complicated. But at the start, it was happy. It was fun."
"He was your best friend?" James asked even though he knew the answer and Noah was quick to nod his head and continue smiling. He couldn't stop himself. The lavender haired male couldn't stop himself from keeping a nonchalant expression. He had heard stories. He had heard the perspective of Josie and the person he trusted more than ever. He still didn't trust this Jesse, even though he hadn't met him and the memory of his young self was making his Grandfather smile.
But despite this, he didn't let his expression get too sour. He just focused on being there. He just focused on listening. And a part of him focused on trying to see if his mind could be changed. Noah went back to speaking with his grandson, holding all of the memories in his hands. He continued nodding his head.
"He was my best friend. He was my police partner. We did everything together. We became fathers for the first time at the same time together. We did everything together. We were inseparable. He really was my very best friend. Apart from Josie, of course."
The last part of the grey moustached male's words caused the lavender haired male to break into a tiny smile and I didn't hesitate to do so either. I nodded my head. James' grandmother was certain to get a mention sooner or later but to be honest with you; I was also smiling heavily because of the words that had come out of Noah's mouth before Josie's name was said.
I was intrigued. I was so heavy intrigued. It was obvious that Noah and Jesse had shared a special bond and gone through many life experiences together. So it fascinated me that it had ended up with an old man sitting in his conservatory and looking very forlorn while clutching a photo box. How did they get from there to here? I would have to find out. And I knew that when I did, I would feel even more of an affinity for the man known as Noah.
"He was chaotic?" the lavender haired male asked his Grandfather as he continued listening, going back to playing with his long locks with his fingers. He had already figured that out about Noah's old friend but he wanted to hear it from his mouth too. More importantly, he wanted to know his grandfather's perspective. He wanted to know more about him from the way that he spoke about someone that had potentially betrayed him.
"He was walking chaos, that boy. And he was a rebel." Noah confirmed with yet another nod of the head and he finally departed with the photo memories in his hand. I watched him. He placed them back into the box and while he continued talking to his grandson and me, he rummaged for more. It was obvious that he and Jesse had lots and lots of memories together, even though he could no longer say his name out loud. "He was just that kind of person. The type where if you said left, he'd say right. And if you said up, he'd say down. He was just that person. He was funny. He could talk his way out of anything. He could make y'all believe anything. I was always a sucker for believing his words rather than his actions."
Following the fondness and lightness and almost giddiness of Noah talking about the young Jesse, he suddenly grew very quiet all over again. It had been easy when he had been talking about his old friend. If he continued talking and the words kept tumbling out, he could almost convince himself that he was still a part of that life. That he was young all over again. But he was not. He was talking to his grandson and something had slipped out. Perhaps it was something that was a bit too truthful. It seemed to be something that Noah wasn't ready to be so honest about at that moment in time.
I bit my lip and looked over at James. All it was going to take from the lavender haired male was a reaction that was too far on either end of the spectrum. If he showed deep and pitiful sadness for his Grandfather, then Noah was sure to feel even more forlorn. On the other hand, if he rolled his eyes and scoffed at his vulnerability then he was certain to get defensive about his old buddy.
I bit my lip even harder. In fact, I almost went through it! I looked at Noah. I had seen more in him that day than I had seen pieced together over days here and there for many years. I could sense his sadness. I could sense his confusion. I could feel his goodness. One of the best things in the world was that that genuineness was passed onto the lavender haired male.
So in that moment, he didn't react too negatively. He didn't react too extremely. James just nodded his head understandingly. The lavender haired male just nodded his head as if he really did somehow understand. And this caused Noah to breathe out and have more honesty for us both that would end in honesty for himself. Everything worked out for the best. Everything worked out just right. I was so very glad to be on the shoulder closest to both the Morgan Males.
"He'll always be that kind of person for me, James. You know, the one who can make you think like no other and have courage like no other but also bring out the ugliness in you. Bring out the selfishness. It was a beautiful friendship at first. It was a beautiful bond. But it ended badly. Because I let it."
James found himself breathing out at the same time that Noah did. The older male was getting a lot off his chest so he needed to exhale every so often. But for once the lavender haired male didn't know exactly why he was reacting the way that he was. I didn't either. The ex-rocketeer remained silent all over again but he remained listening.
Noah had gotten used to his grandson being talkative. It almost threw him when he stopped answering to just listen. And because he still wasn't used to being so brutally honest and raw about the whole situation, he got a little panicky. The whites of his eyes started to show all over again. He needed reassuring that his words and feelings were okay.
"Have you ever had a person like that in your life, James? Do you know where I'm coming from?" Noah felt the need to ask the younger male and after doing so, his eyes met mine. They met mine properly for what felt like the first time ever. I found my breath hitching in my throat. But before I had an answer for the older male and before I could fathom that I was thinking the same response as the ex-rocketeer, James answered his grandfather.
He nodded his head slowly. He continued playing with his hair. He moved almost closer to Noah. His words came out slowly and thoughtfully but then honesty took over completely.
"I think that everybody has someone like that in their life, Pops, you're definitely not the only one." James found himself reassuring the older male in his usual laid-back tone before he answered him properly. His brow furrowed slightly but it wasn't hard for him to say. He shrugged. He was in a good place. He was in a reflective place. But a good one. "I honestly think I was the person like that in my life. But I was lucky. I had the right people around at the right time to never let me forget my true self so I managed to pull myself out of it. Maybe that's what separates the momentary jackasses from the permanent ones. Having the right people around at the right time."
I found myself showing off a small smile all over again but that time, it was for the lavender haired male. He certainly wasn't giving himself enough credit for the part that he played in turning his own life around. But maybe that was a good thing. It certainly made him a very endearing sort of person. But he was right. The people that you surround yourself with are very important.
I like to think of myself as extremely together and neutral and open minded but part of me also believes that I'm only that way because of the people I've been lucky enough to call my family. I'm only that way because of Ash. And without him and Misty and all the wonderful children in our group, it would be a lot easier to do the wrong thing. It's moments like those that make me remember how lucky I am.
And while I was remembering how lucky I was, Noah was remembering how it was okay and completely acceptable to be vulnerable around his grandson. He found himself opening up even more. He looked down at his lap and he looked at more photo memories as he went back to stroking his moustache. His brow furrowed thoughtfully. His eyes softened with depth.
"I always thought that I could be that for him. I always thought that I could be the person stopping him from being so thoughtless. But I can't. I could never be. Maybe it was too late. Maybe he had been through too much. I always believed that I could see the brokenness in him like no one else could. I could understand him. But now maybe I think I couldn't see that he never wanted to be helped. Not really. He was comfortable in himself in his own insecure way."
James really surprised me when upon hearing this, he showed off another tiny smile. I knew that it wasn't a smile for Jesse. It couldn't really be after he had clearly hurt his grandfather enough to be unable to even speak his name. But the truth was he was smiling. James was smiling. Whether it was because Noah's words made him imagine someone else or he was admiring him for coming to realisations even as an old man.
That soon made me smile as well. That was one thing that was so very true. You don't stop learning simply because you reach a certain age. There are always things to learn. There are always things to understand. You can always open your mind. It's never too late. Maybe it was too late for Noah to help Jesse. But it would never be too late for Jesse to help Jesse. And it most certainly would never be too late for Noah to help Noah.
Moments passed and after a good little while, the little smile on James' mouth faded away. And in its place instead was a thoughtful look. What had taken its place were thoughtful eyes. The lavender haired male was almost biting his lip. He had a question. He wanted to ask his grandfather but he was wondering if he was okay with it or not. In the end, James knew that there was only one way to find out. He just came out with it. He did it gently and casually but he came out with it. He knew that he'd be met with the truth, even if the truth didn't come out in words.
"Did you love him, Pops?" James asked his grandfather about Jesse and I was the one that reacted outwardly at first. Part of me felt like the lavender haired male was crossing a line. I looked over at him. He remained unblinking and laid back and waiting for a response. It then made me realise that even though Noah had listed Jesse and Josie as his best friends, James definitely was one too. That's how he got away with asking him those sorts of questions. Noah couldn't get away with the expression that started taking over his face after a few seconds. It said it all.
The grey haired moustache male didn't say any words. In fact, he barely moved at all. He didn't nod. He didn't shake his head. He continued looking down at a photo in his lap that was of himself and Jesse in their youth. He swallowed. He held his breath. James understood. He nodded. He moved onto another question. Somehow he felt that he was more likely to get answers out of his second inquiry.
"Did he love you?" James asked Noah and while I looked away but tilted my head on one side and listened, I couldn't help but note that neither of them could possibly have a definite answer for that. Only one person knew the answer for that and Noah wasn't ready to face him. But the lavender haired male was correct in sensing that his grandfather would somehow find that question simpler to answer. It wasn't necessarily easier; it just didn't leave all kinds of questions in his own brain.
And for what seemed like for the first time that little session, Noah looked over at James and he really looked over at him. His eyes seemed to lock on his properly as they answered him. They really did have the same orbs. They had the same face and the same air about them and the same eyes too. They were very much the same. They certainly felt as deeply as one and other. And it was obvious that Noah did feel very deep for Jesse, despite all that had happened between them.
"I think that he did in his own way, James." Noah told his Grandson with a nod of the head and both of them seemed to focus more when the younger male's name was said. He didn't find it hard to say that word. He adored him. And he adored him even more for finding a proper friend in him. "He never often said it but he used to say that we were the same. He used to insist that we were the same. We were brothers. And we were the same. I believe him. I believe that he is more like me on the inside. He wants to be a good person. He wants to do the right thing. But the way that he acts on the outside protects himself from feeling too deeply or coming across like he doesn't know all the answers. I used to want to be strong like him. But now I want to be strong like me. Because being strong like me is the right thing for me. At the end of the day, I have you, don't I? So I've already won in every possible sense."
And most definitely for the first time that little session, James had a smile for his grandfather that was so very genuine. It was so very sincere and it was filled with gratitude. And on top of that, it showed that he felt exactly the same way about Noah. He smiled sheepishly at the older male and pushed his hair from his eyes before he reached out to hold onto his arm. He had reached out to him for as long as he could remember. And he would reach out to him and love him and care for him just like he had always done as long as they were together.
And Noah reached out too. In a paternal way, he reached out and he touched his grandson's cheek. He was very much an adult at that point and a baby with Lynne on the way but he would always be almost a little boy to Noah. As a little boy, he had bought him such joy. And then as an adult, he had bought him such comfort. They really were two peas in a pod. And they were as close as close could be. That was evident by the way they could tell each other things that they couldn't tell anybody else. Not even their true best friends.
"So do you think that you'll ever see him again? And do you think that he's a good person or a bad person. What do you think, Pops?" James asked his grandfather and even though he had very much been a supportive shoulder that day, the question that he had asked and the way that his eyes widened made him seem like a curious child all over again. And I believed that's one of the reasons why it was so easy for Noah to answer such a hard question.
His hand remained on his grandson's cheek while he thought to himself. He let out a quiet breath. He tilted his head on one side. And then he shrugged. He might as well be honest. He might as well be as honest as he could. There were still some questions that he couldn't answer. And perhaps would always be unable to answer.
"Y'know I was a Police Officer ever since I was a little lad, my boy. And even on my last day of duty I could never figure out what actually made a person good or a person bad. And as for Jesse? Well, that's even trickier." Noah began and James and I did our very best to hide our surprise and slight emotion that he had finally been able to say his name. But we didn't focus on that for long. We knew we had wisdom coming our way. "I believe that he's neither. I believe that he's both. He's whatever he wants to be. He could be a good person who has made bad decisions. But even a bad person can make good decisions. So I think I'll leave that up to someone else to decide."
I was satisfied from the wisdom that I'd received from Noah's words and I nodded my head and smiled and finally decided to move onto his lap instead. But James had other things on his mind. He wanted a clear answer. And so he had one more question for his grandfather that day.
"But what do you feel, Pops? What is it that you feel? Only you know the answer to that." The lavender haired male told his grandfather as he didn't let go of his arm and even though he hadn't moved a muscle, Noah could almost feel his grip tightening on his arm. Or perhaps it was his soft but intense gaze that was suffocating him. And maybe he had come up against more things that he wasn't ready to deal with. So he went about it in the best way that he knew how. With honesty.
He touched his grandson's fingers as he held onto him and he gave him a small, shy smile. It was a boyish smile and it was a handsome one too. It was plain to see where James got it from. He continued stroking his cheek. He continued being honest. He realised that that was one of the most important things that he was when it came to James.
"I've never really known how to feel when it came to him, my boy. I've only ever known how to think. And sometimes I'm not really good at that. How do you possibly know when you've come to the right thought? How do you know when what you're feeling is right? I still don't know. Especially not the last one." Noah admitted to James with continuing shyness but the lavender haired male proved that his Grandfather really did have a friend in him by having an answer for him. That really was proof the knowledge was ageless. And it could really come from anybody.
After James leaned forward and patted his Pop Pop's cheek like he had been doing to him for a good few moments, he smiled at him. He nodded his head at him and he tilted his head on one side.
"I normally know when I've come to the right decision because I sleep well that night. If I haven't, then I'm up all night." James told Noah with a shrug and I was left smiling and nodding to myself that those two really were two peas in a pod when the grey haired male answered his Grandson all over again.
He had clearly had very fond memories with Jesse but he was still himself without him. He still had kindness. He still had wit. He still had humour. He still had likeability. That would always remain. Noah would always be Noah. And thank goodness for it.
"I'm up at night either way. I'm a coffee drinker!" the Southern old man announced to his Grandson and this caused him to laugh and pat his cheek playfully all over again. And then something wonderful happened. Something brilliant happened.
As if by magic or just because they were so very connected in every way, Josie entered the room to give her grey haired moustached husband his afternoon pot of coffee. She hadn't even heard he and their grandson's conversation. She hadn't been listening at all. She just knew. And that's when Noah knew. Without even having to look up and see James' knowing look and smile, he understood.
When it came to Josie, he always knew. He was never left guessing. He was never left wondering. He was never left up all night. With her, it was simple. It wasn't perfect, but it was simple. And it was right. They had known each other since they were very young indeed and they had fallen in love right away. And they had been in love from that very moment onward.
And while looking at his grandparents that day, James knew that he was glad that they had each other. And on top of that, he was glad that he had always witnessed the love that they shared for each other. For their love had no bounds. It was unconditional. It was truthful. It was loyal. It was real. They shared their love for one and other with each other. And they shared it with us all too. That kind of love was hard to come by and it was hard to maintain but it was worth it. Their love was theirs but it was ours too. Because when they were together, we all felt like we were worthy of whatever our hearts truly desired.
The End.
There you go! Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed :3 I feel fondly towards Noah after reading this chapter through. I'm definitely going to write more about Jesse. He's an old police pal of Noah's and as you can tell, they had/have a strong yet complicated relationship. I'm sure Jonah feels the same way as well. I didn't want to say in the first author's note but to tell you the truth... I'm not very fond of Jesse. I think that's almost cool though. I have a character I made with Shannon who I don't exactly have an affinity towards but I definitely would like to think more about him and understand him a little bit! That'll be something to explore in 2019. Thanks again for reading and I will be back Wednesday with another chapter so see you then!
AmyBieberKetchum signing out :3