Hello :P It is Wednesday and I am back with a new chapter. This one is pretty important actually. I don't want to give too much away but I've written once before about how Justin takes on quite a paternal role with Johnny Jinn - James and Lynne's second child - after James' Nanny Josie passes away and it leaves him very vulnerable. This chapter tackles that a lot more and how James really feels. I hope you enjoy :3
Ages:
James: 41
Justin: 21
Johnny: 3 Months Old
Lynne: 30
Disclaimer: I own the story and the characters mentioned!
I breathed out and shook my head sadly as I sauntered back in through the door joining the main Morgan Mansion to Jordan and Lynne's adjoining annexe. I couldn't help but walk slowly. And I couldn't help but continue shaking my head. I had experienced much sadder days in my life at that point and that day certainly wasn't near the saddest but it had still left an uneasy and empty feeling in my stomach. It was no surprise that with everything that we had all been through in the last few months that it had all become a bit much for Jordan, and he eventually had one of his difficult and bad days.
He was still strong. He would always be strong; I still had a huge amount of faith in him. And despite it all, he had some faith in himself and some faith in life. He had managed a few smiles towards the end of the day and that was the moment that I finally felt as near to comfortable as I could with leaving him. I knew he was in safe hands. Or arms. He had Lynne right by his side, like she always had been and like she always would be. And in the living room of their little apartment, Misty was setting up a bed for the night on the sofa so she could offer him comfort too if he asked for that or needed that. He was in very very safe hands and arms too. He had his girls. And that was everything he ever needed.
I took my time in heading back to the main part of the large building but when I got there, I made my entrance by following my nose to where the lavender haired male was in his own living room after having had tucked his two year old daughter in bed in her own room. As soon as I walked in through the door, I could see that he had his head buried in his hands. And I understood why. It had been a tough day and because of this, I was finding it difficult knowing exactly what anybody was feeling. But I still had a huge amount of empathy. And because of this, as I sighed and hopped onto the sofa next to him, I understood exactly what was on his mind.
As ridiculous as it sounded, he almost blamed himself for Jordan's wobbly day. He knew that he enjoyed it back on earth and was determined to be stronger and more loyal and secure than he ever was back during his first time there. He was adamant in making things right. But just because he had received the wonderful second chance of being able to visit from 'up there' and watch his grown up daughter grow up even more and witness his grandchildren blossoming too, it didn't mean that all of his problems had faded away.
He was still a lost soul. He was still a deeply vulnerable male. Though he was endlessly strong too, he was damaged. He had bad days, like everybody else did. But James felt himself blaming himself for that particular bad day and all the feelings that he felt. His Nanny Josie had passed away over three months ago and he knew how fond Jordan was of her and Josie had felt the same way. She was like a grandmother to the yellow haired male as well and almost like a mother too. He loved her. She loved him. She was loved by all. And it was a terrible loss the day that we lost her.
I was preparing to move even closer to the lavender haired male while he continued to bury his head in his hands and run his fingers through his long locks but for some reason, I was hesitating. I knew that I wanted to comfort him and I knew that by me comforting him, I would feel slightly more secure too. I wanted to hop onto his lap. But something was stopping me. I finally understood what that something was going to be when we suddenly weren't alone anymore. At the exact same time that James stopped burying his head in his hands and decided to face the world for the rest of the night, his son, Justin, entered the room.
"I finally got him to shut his eyes just a tiny little bit." The deep purple shorter haired male spoke to his father right upon entering the room and that was his way of a greeting. He didn't say hello. That was his hello. He took some steps to enter the living room even further but he didn't take a seat. Not yet. He remained hovering. He remained lingering. "He's such an alert little guy though."
I knew of the "little guy" that he was referring to because my eyes had caught sight of him but if that wasn't enough, upon hearing his big brother's words, he showed off a gummy smirk and shut his eyes properly as he smiled. But then they opened again. And when they did, they seemed to open wider than ever.
I couldn't help but smirk myself, even though I was still contemplating climbing onto the lavender haired male's lap since his elbows weren't occupying it. Johnny Jinn Morgan-Williams, James and Lynne's newest little baby boy was a funny little chap. An adorable one, but slightly quirky nonetheless. He was completely different to his full, big sister. He was born weighing quite an impressive size and had rather long legs to boot. He was completely contrasting in colouring too; he was lavender and blue eyed while his sister was ginger and green orbed.
Truthfully, they were the complete opposite in every way. He was chunky and solid while she was petite and delicate. She was quite a selective baby and only liked certain people while her little brother was content in the arms of almost anyone. He was happy in the hold of anyone. But one person he was particularly always glad to be in the hold of was his big half-brother, Justin.
The lavender haired male looked up at both of his son's and nodded. I imagined that he thought he had shown off a smile but he hadn't. He had just nodded. And then he had looked away again. Soon enough, I had lost my chance to slide on his lap because his elbows took space on them all over again as they supported his hands while he rested his chin on his hand. Even though I had missed out my opportunity, the deep purple haired male seized his one in sliding next to his father on the sofa.
"Is Jordan really not doing okay?" Justin asked James and his usually friendly and easy-going expression was overcome with a serious and gentle one. Johnny Jinn seemed to be oblivious to the expressions and the words and kicked his legs happily while he was being carried in his special baby sling clipped onto the body of his biggest brother. Justin moved even closer to their Dad. "Do I need to worry?"
"You never need to worry, Justin." James spoke in a tone that was weary and unconvincing at first but soon enough, he sorted himself out by shaking his head. Then he managed to give his son a smile at last before he moved along the sofa closer to him and absent-mindedly patted his cheek. Strangely, he didn't do the same to Johnny to not leave him out. "You know Jordan. He's strong. Stronger than anyone ever. He just needs time. In three days, he'll be doing much better."
"Three is the magic number." Justin couldn't help but half-sing to his father and after the lavender haired male just looked at him while still cupping his cheek, the deep purple haired male smiled against his hand. Meanwhile, Johnny's round blue orbs relaxed in size again at his brother's soothing tones. "You're right. I know I don't really need to worry about him. But of course I do. It's the price you pay for loving someone."
"It really is…" James replied in that breathless tone all over again but I knew that that time, it was much more insistent and tired. But all over again, he found himself shaking his head at himself and keeping his hand on his eldest son's face. And after his eyes finally flickered down to look at baby Johnny Jinn, he swallowed and got ready to reach out and cup his cheek too. But he was put off when the child's eyes widened and he squeaked. James swallowed a second time and focused on giving word's to Justin instead. I observed it all. "I really appreciate everything you're doing. Really. All of it."
An outsider would've watched all of James' actions and gestures and heard his words and been unable to gather much and mostly smile upon seeing a father be appreciative towards his son. But I most certainly was not an outsider. And Justin wasn't either. One of us was blood. And the other one of us was pretty damn close to blood.
We had both noticed everything that the lavender haired male was saying – or perhaps more importantly, we had noticed everything that James wasn't saying.
Justin watched the way that his father had retracted his hand from his little brother when he was squeaked at him and even though James was getting ready to change the subject, sensing that we were noticing his vulnerability, the deep purple haired male got there before he even had a chance.
"Do you want to talk about it?" the formerly long haired male asked his father gently and casually but his eyes locked onto him rather intensely. I was looking away and climbing onto the back of the sofa to contrast it but James found his words rather heavy, not just his gaze too. He swallowed all over again and made himself touch his baby son's cheek briefly before he stood up to wander over to the window as casually as he could. Once more, Justin's soft expression changed to a serious one. He changed his words also. "You want to talk about it."
"I don't want to talk about it." James answered his son quickly but not harshly, though he did turn away from looking out the window. And his expression was firm as if to say 'leave it'. Upon receiving this, Justin then swallowed like his father had been doing. He nodded his head. He knew when to not push something too far. I glanced between all three boys. And then it was James' turn to change his words. He shook his head at himself, realising that he wasn't doing a very good job at pretending. "There's nothing I could possibly want to talk about."
Previously, I had been looking at all three Morgan boys – James, Justin and Johnny. Following that, I decided to fix my gaze on the middle of them – Justin. That whole day I had been having a difficult time sensing everybody's emotions exactly but when I looked at his face, I got the impression that I could imagine them rather accurately. I could imagine his thoughts rather accurately too.
He wasn't really an often frustrated person and he was quite far from a violent one too. All of his passion and heated energy was always saved for his music and his performances too. Justin wasn't an aggravated person. But in that moment, I could see in his eyes he was imagining a different part of himself that wanted to stand up and almost square up his father to get answers out of him nose to nose. But of course, that was just in his brain. He wouldn't have dreamed of doing that to one of his parents, let alone while having an innocent baby strapped to him. So instead of coming out with words like 'you really do' or 'there really is', Justin conveyed something much more powerful.
While he gently squeezed the toes of Johnny Jinn as his legs dangled out of the baby carrier, he pulled him closer to him and he looked over at their father. His serious expression was remaining but it was mixed with care and understanding at that point too. His lips pressed together and his cheekbones became further outlined. And then he spoke.
"Maybe you don't need to talk about it." He told his father softly and looked up at him, his eyes widening like Johnny's and fixing right on the older male as he turned to look at his son with a less harsh expression than he had before. Justin continued, his shorter locks flopping over his forehead. "Maybe you don't need to talk about it. But I do."
The deep purple haired male looked down as soon as he had said his words but it wasn't due to neither vulnerability nor shame; he was just simply done looking at the older male. But he let out quite a heavy sigh at the same time that James did. And Justin looked up almost right away when he stopped lingering by the window and automatically came back to sit next to him but with attentive eyes. Their eyes looked at one and other.
Pure meadow green orbs met those that were younger and coloured teal but with that same green hue. Johnny Jinn looked up at the both of them and waited for a bit of eye contact too but they didn't give it to him. So he looked at me instead. And I didn't hesitate to glance at him back. I found a lump in my throat brewing when I did so.
His birth day had been a funny old day. Truthfully, it wasn't a funny old day, really. It had been a sad day. And it had been a happy day. It had been a sad day and it had been a happy day. Little Johnny Jinn had entered the world. But James' Nanny Josie had exited it. It was a day full of happiness and sadness and joyousness and heartache and light and dark. It had been intense. More than three months had passed since that day. But it was still hanging over us. And it was hanging over James most prominently.
"Of course, Justin, talk to me." James spoke to his son in that similarly breathless tone all over again but that time, he didn't reach out to touch his cheek. He didn't reach out to touch him at all. His hands were playing with themselves. But his eyes were reaching out to Justin. They were ready to listen. I think that I imagined his expression wrong at that point because I thought that the deep purple haired male was just saying that to get his father to open up without realising it. But after a few moments, I understood that Justin really had things that he needed to talk about. Important things.
Justin was such a wonderful addition to our group. In a strange way, he almost reminded me of Misty's father, Jordan. Both of them were capable of and had experienced some very confusing times but you wouldn't have thought it to look at their faces. They usually had such smiley expressions. They had great senses of humour. They were a funny pair. But they were both also capable of great thoughts and deep musings. And this was proved even further that day when Justin's sunny smile drifted further and further away. He occupied his hands with his little brother's tufts of hair and frowned over at his father.
"I… I feel bad, Dad." Justin began and I listened from the back of the sofa while James listened from right next to him. Needless to say, his nostrils flared just a fraction right from the moment that he heard those words. He never wanted that for his son. But the best he could do right there and then was listen. So he did. He listened while Justin continued. He furrowed his brow and rubbed it, his hair flopping even more in his face. "I enjoy it when I do it. I feel as though I must do it. But I feel bad that I'm the next person taking care of Jinn after Lynne. Sometimes, I feel horrible."
Once more like he had been doing previously, the lavender haired male was slowly reaching his fingers out to his baby son but he quickly wanted to stop doing that when he tried to grab hold of them in return with his tiny fingers. And if that wasn't enough, he definitely pulled them away again when he heard Justin's words. They quickly filled with worry and a fraction of guilt too. And because of this, Justin found himself having to laugh to play off some of his own vulnerability too.
"In a way, I love it. I really do. I was so confused when I went away on tour and was convinced I needed to be around for him always and now I'm here, I've got a bigger role than I ever imagined. I love it." He told his father and he told him with a smile but his eyes were beginning to grow rather glassy. And almost as soon as he orbs watered ever so slightly, his smile faded away all over again and he swallowed. His next words came out quite the whisper. "But I know you've had to give up babies before. I've seen it. And the last thing I want to do is be one of the people to do that to you. Not to my own dad. Not to us. Not to you. I can't do that. I simply can't."
The deep purple haired male was doing his best to stop himself from losing composure but the lavender haired male was making no such commitment. His meadow green orbs were openly filling with tears. He swallowed at the tenderness of his son's words and I assumed that he would take a while to respond to them but I was stood corrected. He shook his head right away and he briefly reached both of his hands out to cup his face. He even managed to do that to little Johnny Jinn too. And that was even after he squeaked up at his father.
"Justin, don't…" was all he managed to say to his son at first as his hands went to his eldest son's cheeks and then found their place on both of his shoulders. Justin continued not allowing the tears to come and clearing his throat to be brave. James shook his head all over again and resumed speaking. His eyes glistened. "Seeing you two together is the loveliest thing I've ever seen in my life. I have never seen you so gentle and so full of patience. I wish that Nanny was here so much but it's one of the best things that could have come out of that day. So don't – don't ever – think that you're taking him away from me. I need you so much. I need you to be doing this for me. Because sometimes I can't. And the truth is, I wouldn't want him to be in the hands of anybody else but you."
Neither Justin or James showed too much overwhelmed outwards emotion as they spoke to each other so perhaps I did it for the both of them. Though my eyes didn't drip with tears, they certainly filled with them. But like Justin, I managed to stop them from coming. But I didn't manage to stop thinking. I didn't manage to stop thinking about everything that our family and their family had been through.
I thought that James Morgan was one of the best fathers that I knew. I was lucky to witness many in our special group and he was most certainly one of them. He was loving. He was accepting. He was patient. He was devoted. But in the last few months, he thought he was completely the opposite of these things. Some days, he believed he was the opposite of a good father. It filled me with empathy and sadness when he began to open up about this all over again.
The deep purple haired male was experiencing his own emotion but he knew when his dad was ready to talk and he let him. He gathered most of it and had heard almost all of it before but he didn't stop him from talking. In fact, he encouraged it. He knew it was a good few more steps to healing.
"I don't know how any of this happened, buddy…" James began and his hand found its way back to his son's shoulder and we both knew it wasn't to comfort the younger of the two. He took his time before continuing, pushing his long locks out of his eyes at the same time that Justin did this with his shorter ones. The lavender haired male shook his head before he eventually was ready. "I don't know how I could get to baby number seven and experience this. I barely noticed it at first. I was too busy. I was too caught up. I had the funeral and the grief and making sure Pop Pop was okay. I barely even noticed. I barely even noticed that me and Johnny weren't… Me and Johnny weren't… We just weren't."
James didn't finish abruptly but he finished thoughtfully. The deep purple haired male just nodded and I did too but Justin was the one to rest his hand back on his father's opposite shoulder. His hands were usually on his little brother but that time, they were there for the older male. He knew how hard it was for him. He knew how almost shameful it was for him. So he greatly appreciated him opening up to him. And even though his chest began to flush lightly with emotion and his eyes filled with tears all over again, Justin was glad to hear him getting everything off his pink chest.
"That little boy deserves better. C'mon, he's so cute." James mumbled tearfully and needless to say we both looked at sweet Johnny Jinn at that moment but the lavender haired male couldn't manage it. The lavender haired little baby looked up at us all but then he focused on his father, his mouth hung slightly open.
He was cute. He was so very cute. He really was a light at the end of the tunnel. He was a gift that had come out of a nightmare. But James wasn't ready – or able – to connect. "He's… He's so chilled. I love him, I really do. And I would do anything. But it's not the same as it was with Jorgie and I feel so awful even saying that. I knew it wasn't the same as with her but I convinced myself that it's because he's a different child. That's not exactly a lie but it's not that simple. I would do anything for him. I love him. But it's just… Not… Right."
Guilt had engulfed the lavender haired male as he finally got out everything that he wanted to say and all Justin could do was offer him comforting words or hug him. As he bit his lip, he felt that he didn't have the correct or worthy words for his father so he decided to just hold him instead. He moved forward and he wrapped his arms around James and he hugged him.
While James emotionally cried to himself with his eyes tightly shut, the two boys remained hugging. Justin scooted even closer to the lavender haired male on the sofa and it was in this moment that James could feel Johnny Jinn pressing up against him too and he was even more taken over by remorse.
The deep purple haired male felt slightly annoyed at himself for upsetting his father even further but instead of beating himself up about it, he calmly just briefly pulled away from the hug and started taking the child out of the baby sling and took the contraption off his body too. While I watched and while Johnny squeaked at no longer being pressed against the bodies of his relatives, I almost had a moment to breathe too.
I had seen lots of vulnerable and emotional moments that day and I could feel them slightly swallowing me too. I partially felt the urge to give everybody a sympathetic smile before leaving them to it but I knew I would feel even worse if I had done that. It wouldn't be worth the – like James – guilt – that I would feel.
So I smiled anyway. And I watched that after Justin had properly taken the baby sling off his body, both the Morgan boys had a tight and soothing hug while Johnny Jinn kicked his long legs on the sofa next to them. I got the impression that they were lost in the embrace of one and other and weren't going to hear any of the sounds that followed. But they did. They both looked up and had slightly pink cheeks from the tightness of the hug when Lynne entered the room as well.
Like both of the different shaded purple haired males, her own cheeks were flushed. I understood without a moment's hesitation. She had been with Jordan the entire day and right by his side and listening to him and talking to him and soothing him. It was what she was happy to do. It was what she was good at. But it was emotional for her too.
But despite this, she had a calm smile when she entered the living room and she seemed quite together even though it was nearing night time at that point.
"Hello, you two." She greeted Justin and James before correcting her words to add an extra number and had a smile for me too. I appreciated that. I had felt emptiness in my stomach for most of the day and that made it tingle ever so slightly. She continued smiling at us all and I could feel the boys, even though they were still hugging one and other, experiencing a gradual smile. She then got distracted by one particular of the males and didn't hesitate to rush over to him, crouching down to his level. "There's my little star boy. Look at you having such a great time hanging with your daddy and Justin."
I hoped that the lavender haired male would be able to focus on the sweet words and tone of his beloved girlfriend but like Justin suspected, another wave of guilt washed over his stomach upon hearing them instead. But he tried his best not to show it. He smiled though he had a clenched jaw and because he was worried about his father looking too tense, the deep purple haired male tried to smile to make up for the both of them. Lynne smiled back when she saw his dimples but other than that, she was too focused on her new baby boy. She bit her lip and picked him up in front of her face before holding him close.
"I just came to say goodnight to you two because I'll be staying with Jordan tonight. Is that okay?" the orange haired woman asked, but she of course didn't need to at all. And despite the fact that the deep purple haired male wasn't being the one who was being asked, he nodded his head along with his father too. Lynne was a brave woman and I appreciated how calm and smiley she was despite the fact she had seen her husband rather low over the last day. And when she saw Justin continuing to smile, she found herself feeling even more prepared for the rest of the night. While holding Johnny Jinn in her arms, she moved over to give her step-son a side hug and a kiss on the cheek. "I can't thank you enough for being so sweet with my little boy. Will he be staying with you again tonight?"
I have to admit that I was feeling envious and wanted my own cheek smooch after Lynne's inclusion of me left me feeling tingly but that didn't stop me from observing everything between everyone. James found himself nodding his head automatically at his girlfriend's words as she moved on over to him to give him a hug too and a brief kiss on the lips and a light chest stroke as she said goodnight to him. She just nodded her head back and didn't make a fuss about it at all and instead made a subtle fuss over her man instead. She gave him a more lingering hug and played with the back of his hair while her baby son was still in her other arm. Justin was obviously unfazed by the affection and in fact, it made him even more confident in himself. Or confident in his father.
"Actually, he's going to be staying with dad in the spare room tonight." He spoke casually and with a nod and folded his arms over his chest while the lavender haired male's eyes widened and almost mouthed 'is he?'. Lynne just turned around from hugging him and looked at her boyfriend's son. Justin nodded and continued. "Yep. In fact, we better go tuck him in, right, Dad?"
The orange haired angel that was Lynne was very good at many, many things. And one of the things she was best at (most of the time) was reading situations and not making a big deal out of them. It had broken her heart when her boyfriend finally opened up to her how he was having trouble bonding with their youngest son and even though she had suspected it and known it in her heart, it still upset her a great deal. Of course she wasn't upset with her James, she was just upset with the obstacle that had been thrown their way. But like with everything, she knew that they would find a way out.
Deep inside, she was slightly hesitant and almost protective that Justin was taking charge and pushing his father to have his little half-brother alone for the night but she eventually understood that they were blood. And blood was thicker than water. Justin knew James. Lynne knew Justin. And his trusted him too. In fact, she almost trusted him as much as her boyfriend. And she knew that if anything ever got too much, then Justin would be right there.
So after one final kiss to the lavender haired male's lips and one for the dark haired male's forehead too, she said goodnight to her little 'star boy' by smothering his face in kisses and seeing him joyfully smile back at her in a gummy way, she headed back to her section of the house that she had previously come from.
And I followed Justin and James and Johnny Jinn too as the deep purple haired male tugged his father down the halls to where the bedrooms were. As I scurried behind, I couldn't help but wonder how exactly the night was going to unfold but I knew one thing for certain. And that was that a whole lot of trust was needed that night. But it was lucky that Justin had a whole lot of that. He had a whole lot of faith in the situation and his father and his little brother too. He believed in them. In fact, he believed in us all.
I lingered in the hall and gave the boy's privacy as they separately went off to their bedrooms to change. I joined them again when they were all ready and James had made sure to say goodnight to the rest of his family in the house too. He had procrastinated by saying a long goodnight to his wife and Justin's mother but eventually he joined his son as he sat on the edge of his father's bed while holding his baby brother in his arms and trying to hum him to sleep. The lavender haired male was tying up his long locks when we both entered together. He spoke to his son through lips holding his hair tie while his hands were busy.
"Can you tuck him in his cot for me please? My hands are a little occupied." He continued mumbling through his purple hair band and following that, he took it out and held it in his fingers before he properly tied his hair up. Justin was left hesitating and raising a slight eyebrow, thinking that it wasn't going to take that long and he could tuck the baby in himself but he did what he was told.
He nodded his head and he stopped humming. Little Johnny Jinn was dressed for bed in one of his nautical themed onesies that his Uncle Jordan had given to him and the deep purple haired male rested him in the crook of his arm and walked him round the room to get him to sleep. James continued tying his hair up slowly but he watched. I hopped onto the edge of the bed where Justin had been sitting and I watched too. I expected more hums to come out of his lips as the young baby's wide eyes gradually started to widen less and less but words came out instead.
"You know, Dad…" Justin began to his father and right away, the lavender haired male caught on that his son was going to say something serious to him. He looked over at him, his head slightly tilted as he had since sat down on his own bed and his arms folded over his chest for warmth (and comfort too). He often found it easy to read his eldest boy and in that moment, he understood his serious expression all too well. "You don't have to beat yourself up at all over any of this. And you should probably stop searching for answers too. Maybe you'll never know why you're going through this right now. But you are. Or maybe you're just… Afraid of loving something all over again because you've just lost one of the people that you loved the most."
I was the one to breathe out rather heavily. I found myself frowning for a rare time. I thought that that potentially wasn't the best thing for Justin to say to his father. Even if it was true and could possibly be because the lavender haired male had just suffered a huge, great loss, I didn't think it was the best thing to mull over late at night. But even so, I knew I had to let that go and trust in it all. So I continued watching instead. I continued watching and I watched James react.
The lavender haired male's eyes widened slightly at the depth of his son's words and then they seemed to shake slightly. They were filled with vulnerability all over again but they didn't mind. They let it linger and then it just faded away. James simply nodded his head and breathed out. He ran his fingers through his hair even though it was tied up.
"Maybe you're right. That could very well be…" James mumbled in an unreadable way and at first, the deep purple haired male had an initial throat twitch of concern that he had said something out of line. But soon enough, his worries were soothed and his father even had a slight smile for him. After he finished tucking a drifting off Johnny Jinn into his cot and slowly stepped away from him, he was met with an appreciative but firm expression. "But enough of that. You should probably head off to your room to sleep yourself, my boy. You've got some shows over the next few days and the last thing we want is you burning out because you're being daddy day care."
Justin laughed right away upon hearing James' words and though they were light-hearted, he knew they were full of kindness and care and appreciation too. So after giving his father a hug goodnight and the older male planted a kiss on his forehead and Justin managed to give Johnny one more kiss as he continued to doze off in his crib, the deep purple haired male headed off out of the room for the night. I wasn't too badly worried. The day had ended up on such a heart-warming note between those boys that I thought that that strange nervous calmness would continue. I was wrong. I was so very wrong.
I was pondering heading back to where Misty was in the separate annexe and I understood why when almost as soon as Justin went back to his own room and shut his bedroom door and James tucked down in bed with a book, the most pitiful wailing started to rev up.
It was barely noticeable at first and it wasn't something to be concerned about; babies often whimpered to themselves in the night and they would find their fingers and soothe themselves. James and I watched and we waited. The wailing sounds from Johnny continued but they weren't frantic right away. The lavender haired male was visibly starting to feel the shadow of uneasiness being alone with his baby boy for the first time since admitting having problems with him. But he was doing rather well in ignoring his oncoming feelings and the sounds too. He was focusing on his book instead.
I had since forgotten heading back to where Misty was in that moment. I knew that for the time being I just needed to watch and I just needed to wait. I just needed to watch and wait and be supportive for what happened next. And what happened next was a sudden bellow from baby Johnny Jinn.
He was indeed a very chilled out baby and didn't cry all that much except when he wanted something. So that night it was obvious that he did want something from the way that he suddenly started to howl. I bit my lip. James could no longer focus on his book. He had to focus on his son. And he had to react.
He bit his own lip as, almost in slow motion, he slid out of his bed and moved over to the edge of his child's crib. He hoped that his son would stop as soon as he saw his face like his baby daughter had done when he was that age but he knew that that wasn't going to happen.
As if baby Johnny Jinn was letting his father know he could read every inch of his expression and knew exactly what was going on between them, he suddenly screamed even more. And this sound went right through me. But the person that it went through the most was of course James. He was very close to tears. But he instinctively reached out to his son and picked him up.
"O-Oh Johnny Jinn, please don't…" he whispered to him like he understood exactly what he was saying but it was clear that he couldn't (or was ignoring him) by the way that his mouth opened into even more of an 'o' shape. James shook his head and bit his lip to stop it from trembling. His head hurt so very much. It hurt a lot when he was with his son and filled with guilt that he wasn't connecting with him like a father should and it pounded even more with the sound of his siren wailing. "Don't do this. Not tonight. Not now."
I very much sympathised with James' words. In fact, I did so very much that I nodded my head and my eyes swivelled as I contemplated running and fetching Justin. But almost as if he actually was aware of what was going on, at that moment, the lavender haired baby stopped crying to inhale before carrying on crying and even louder that time.
It had only been a brief silence but it had been an obvious one. I knew that I couldn't fetch back-up there and then. I knew that James had to do it alone. And James knew this too. While his son continued to sob, his own tears came as well. He shook his head, just one beginning to slide down his cheek. His face was crumpling.
"Not tonight. Please, not tonight. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do with you." The lavender haired male admitted to his son and even though he hated the words he had chosen, they were so very true. He hated that he had lost his grandmother and the other person who had been most like a mother to him and he hated even more that it had to happen on the day of his son's birth. He knew that it was secretly a blessing in disguise and he would appreciate it one day but he wasn't ready for that day soon after it had happened. He needed time. He needed quiet. Johnny Jinn wasn't giving him that. "Please stop crying. P-Please don't. I know that you want your mother. I do too. I wish she was here. But your Uncle Jordan needs her. Please understand."
Little baby Johnny Jinn didn't understand at all. I had since stopped thinking about fetching Justin and was starting to think that his cries were most definitely going to disturb everybody else in the house and that if James didn't act quickly, his other child with Lynne would be woken up and he'd have two crying children under the age of two. Perhaps the lavender haired male thought of this because he started to get even more frantic and even more emotional.
"Just… Just please… I don't know what to do…" the lavender haired male squeezed his eyes even tighter shut and felt more of a failure than he had done in his life as he tried to hold his son close to soothe him but it just didn't work. And it just didn't feel right. Nothing felt right. Nothing felt right since his Nanny died. It was like he lost the ability to think. He felt as though he had lost the ability to think. And almost as soon as that thought crossed his mind, just one more entered it. Though his eyes were still pooling with tears, they opened. He swallowed and sniffed and he looked down at his son while he thrashed against his chest. He told me exactly what he was thinking at a later date but at that point, I looked at him and nodded like I knew what he was thinking.
He just had to stop thinking. He had to somehow switch off his brain and go with his instinct. He was always a man who followed his heart. And that night, he did that. And maybe along with Justin's theory, that had been one of the things that was holding him back. He was thinking too much. And he was feeling too little.
So after composing himself and right before I was about to rush over to his ankles and try and hold him though I knew in my heart that I couldn't, James swallowed and carried a still howling Johnny Jinn over to his bed. Instead of climbing in, he kneeled next to it and placed the sobbing baby on it instead.
As he placed him down, his arms didn't stop from being wrapped around him. His breath was shaky and his head was pounding but in the low lit room of the night, he looked down at his son. James looked down at his son and he stopped thinking. James looked down at his son and started feeling instead. As he slowly and shakily traced his finger across the gap in his brow and down the bridge of his nose, he stopped thinking. And instead, he felt everything.
He felt the pain of the exact moment that he had to say goodbye to his grandmother. He felt the profound sense of pride and gain of when his son had entered the world on that exact same day. He felt the anxiety that was soon swept over with joy when Jorgie had bonded with little Johnny so well. He felt his heart swelling with love when he thought of how incredible Justin was with that little baby and how he couldn't help but wonder if he was nearing being ready for parenthood himself. He thought about it all. He thought about his son. He thought about all the love he felt for his son. Not just for Justin. But for Johnny Jinn too.
And then that was that. All of a sudden, something changed. Something clicked. It was like the little boy had been born all over again or maybe James had too. His demeanour changed. His jaw opened. His throat filled with an intense lump. And then his eyes filled with tears. But they were filled with tears of a different kind.
"O-Oh, my boy…" James breathed out and he was too overwhelmed at first to notice that the baby had since stopped crying but he certainly did recognise it when his son blinked those huge eyes up at him and he even reached out to touch his face. That was it. That was enough. The lavender haired male wept even more and the tears splashed the dear baby but he didn't care. He was smiling. He knew he was loved. He knew he was properly loved. "O-Oh, you are so my boy…"
The lavender haired male whispered and with that, he didn't hesitate to unbutton his night shirt and take it off and swaddle the little baby in it before he climbed in bed with him and placed him on his bare chest. Just like he had done to Jorgie the minute that she was born. He was doing it all over again. He was doing it for Johnny Jinn. He was bonding with baby Johnny Jinn. And he was doing it tenderly but quickly, almost as if he was making up for lost time.
I had been there for the birth of Jorgie and both of the births of Johnny Jinn and in a way; I had been there for the birth of James too. For he had most certainly been born again when each of his children had come into the world.
So with trembling emotion but with love in my step, I finally headed back to my best friend's orange haired wife. My heart was heavy but it was for a very different reason. I had witnessed something wonderful. I had witnessed something once in a lifetime.
And Lynne did too when she came back the next morning and found her boys cuddled up together, her boyfriend's chest bare and her baby boy snuggled against it. She didn't even need to be told. She knew. She always knew that they were going to be fine. And they were fine. And it was like the wonderful words that Justin sang and Justin wrote for his baby brother and it resonated even more as time went on.
He had believed in something so very extraordinary and because he did, it had become true. He believed in each and every one of us. Each and every one of us believed in each other. And I believed – no, I knew – that Josie had looked down that night and she had watched her little James grow once more. And it filled with love all over again.
The End.
There you go! Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed :3 In a way, I was almost hesitant to give James these problems bonding with Johnny Jinn because he's normally such an instinctive and paternal person. But I thought that it was important that it did happen to him because it shows that it can happen to anyone and grief can have some pretty surprising effects on each and everyone. I realise that the dilemma is sort of presented and solved in the same chapter but that isn't really the case. Of course I'll write more about this subject and James will still struggle for a bit longer. Nothing gets fixed overnight! And maybe James will even be a little annoyed that Justin encouraged him to be alone with Johnny there and then, even though it turned out (luckily) well. I like Justin's bond with Johnny in this chapter. As you can see, he refers to him by his middle name and calls him "Jinn" and the two of them have a special bond. It's the first time he's really been instinctive and almost paternal with a baby. I like that side of him and it'll be definitely written about more! Thanks again for reading and I will be back next Wednesday with another chapter so see you then :3
AmyBieberKetchum signing out!