Hello! It is Wednesday and I am back with a new chapter. This deals with a lot of things that were meant to be written about last year when Eli first entered my stories and then Justin and he's relationship became a thing so I had to just go along with those ideas instead! Though this story does feature Justin, it acts as a small segway to the main part of the story, and as Eli as a fifteen year old boy. Not only does it focus on his sexuality as a young teenager and coming to terms with it and telling people, but shows his relationship with his cousin, Jordan. As well as that, you see some more insight into Jordan's father, Bo, and their father and son relationship. I hope you enjoy :)
Ages:
Justin (Present): 18
Jordan (Present): 32
Jordan (Past): 19
Eli (Past): 15
Bo (Past): 42
Disclaimer: I own the story and the OCs mentioned. Also just a heads up, this story does focus quite heavily on negativity surrounding Eli's sexuality and takes place in the early 90s where some opinions are hinted at that have never been okay and definitely aren't in this current day. Give this chapter a miss if these subjects are going to affect you!
Justin finally said the words that he had been planning to say for so long and after they were out there, it felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and a weight had been added also. He had done it. And now all he could do was wait.
For some reason, although it hadn't been his first time saying them – far from it – that occasion seemed to carry the most heftiness. That seemed to be the one with the greatest expectation. He didn't know why. Maybe it was because he felt as if someone such as the person opposite him couldn't understand the conflictions he had carried around with him for month. But of course, that wasn't the case at all.
Justin told Jordan the truth and then he was watching him, waiting for what the older male was going to say in response. He wasn't exactly sure what he anticipated. But he certainly didn't predict the one that came following the initial one.
Their eyes continued to widen and his head slowly began to rotate. At the same time he rubbed underneath his own chin before blurting out words in return. From his point of view, he knew that he just needed to say something. Anything.
"You're… You're…" Jordan started, preparing to repeat the words that had been said to him. His fingertips fell away from underneath his face. He didn't let out a cough, instead moving on to trying a second time. "You're-"
He was going to say the word. He was going to say the word back to him after the word and the phrase that had been rattling through Justin's skull for months had finally hit the air. Jordan wasn't granted the occasion though.
I watched on as, somehow preventing himself from having to hear the truthful word that had occupied his thoughts for as long as he could remember, Justin interrupted.
"Mmm." A sound came in place of a word. And then, it was the yellow haired of the twos turn to wait. He saw Justin from a slightly different angle and with a twinge in his neck as he anticipated him adding anything else. But he didn't. So Jordan returned to portraying the actions he hadn't purposely been doing.
The whites of his eyes stayed prominent. His chin felt the touch of his fingers again. Justin became diagonal from his point of view.
Eventually, his lips pressed together and he knew that he had to say something – anything – else. And so, the first thoughts that made their way through his brain hit the air.
Fortunately, they weren't as blunt as they could have been.
"Oh… Have you been trying to tell me that for a long time?" Jordan questioned and he watched as Justin stopped being so diagonal and he stood straight in front of him, fixing angle in his neck. For something to do, his fingers clasped together in his stomach.
I'm sure that even though Justin had a plethora of responses in his mind for when he told Jordan the truth, he wasn't really expecting those words. He had heard similar ones from other people when he told them. But hearing them from the other male caused his eyes to widen in a similar fashion to how Jordan's had when he heard the news.
Justin's eyelashes clapped together once. He took a metaphorical step back. But then he found it within himself to be as unfaltering and unfiltered as the older male had been when he replied back to him. And he tried to once again seize the bravery that he possessed him when he first walked into the room.
"Well… Quite a long time ago I suppose." His words felt lame from his point of view so he decided to lift his hat off his head, scratching along the parting down the dead centre. After doing that for just a second or two, more words tumbled out of him. "Not agonisingly so though."
He felt it necessary to add the last part, it seemed.
Although as I glanced on at the scene and guessed that he had been speaking more words to fill the air, I felt that there was a great deal of honesty to them. All in all and when everything was said and done, he didn't want anybody to feel like they had made him think he couldn't be truthful with them.
Justin's hat perched back on his head; it was Jordan's turn to reply. And he did so by choosing to mumble the word 'mmm' that the younger male had previously uttered.
Silence. There was another silence. This eerie quality fell over the room while the tip of Justin's tongue flicked on his bottom lip before his teeth sunk down and Jordan resumed contemplating the notion that had been put forth to him.
There appeared to be a lot to think about. However in truth, he was thinking about how he was going to act, not anything about James' son in the slightest.
I almost began to see his mind ticking as the swirls of his brain ran through all kinds of private thoughts and memories. But then, all of that came to a halt. Jordan's body seemed to grow to a halt as well.
He was then a statue but that moment was fleeting. Hands falling away from any other part of his body and taking a step closer to Justin, I could almost kid that I could hear his whirring brain going silent – like someone had turned a fan off in there.
With that step forward, he found his voice again. And with that step forward, his arms widened only enough to embrace a small child.
"Well…" Jordan started and eyes dropped down to his limbs as his arms stretched wider to hold someone much more Justin-sized. "That's great." He told him and he couldn't gauge what his own response to be because he started to act once again. He evidently needed that pause before he was able to do what he felt he needed to do. "Congratulations."
And all of a sudden, Justin stopped standing so alone opposite the older male and was suddenly pressed up against him, being squeezed between both arms in a tight embrace. His eyes had another chance to widen. That time it was out of the tightness of the hold as much as anything else!
Justin's throat rasped. What time, though, it wasn't so much out of the sheer strength of his antics. Yes, he really wasn't expecting that reaction at all. But all he could do was go with it. And so he did, his cheeks and neck squeezed firmly between Jordan's own neck and shoulder too, his hand starting to pat against a broad back.
After he embraced the embrace for a second or two, it was as though as he was squeezed, more truth was squeezed from him like the remaining contents of a ketchup bottle.
"Not… Not quite what I was expecting." He mumbled, his arms straining as they failed wrapping around the entire broad back of Jordan. He felt oddly light on his feet and couldn't tell whether it was coming clean with yet another person or the way that his socks had stopped touching the carpet as Jordan held him.
But then, he felt the yellow haired male's body shift against him in not a relinquish in the tightness of the hold. It wasn't a pulling away motion in the slightest. It was the swiftest and subtlest action. But Justin felt it. And he felt the care underneath his usually booming and broad exterior.
"It's something to celebrate, is it not…?" replied Jordan and then it was his turn to feel the way that the much slighter male moved against him in response. Feeling him beginning to squirm and he knew it wasn't because his hat had been knocked off his head in the midst of their unexpected hug, he added to the distance between them. And when he saw his expression matching his bodily movements, he repeated. "Is it not?"
Justin's face scrunched some more as it tried not to actively squirm. As his gaze fell down onto the hat that had tumbled to the carpet below, Jordan understood that he was not feeling bare without his signature headwear. He understood he had possibly misspoken.
The carpet felt Jordan's weight shifting. Because Justin took a step back too and he could tell that his innermost feelings had been far more easily detected than the other ones, he couldn't help but look back at him and be frank, his face still creased.
"I… I don't know. I'm just me. I just was honest." Justin all of a sudden felt the need to downplay what he had done. My feeling was that it was an act of bravery from the way that he had battled with his thoughts for so long. But at the same time, I understood too. He was just being himself. From his point of view, people did that every single day.
Apparently not from Jordan's point of view. And so, he needed to tell the younger male that.
After quietly noticing the way that one single eye of his creased up and his lips pressed together at the side of his face as he tried to vehemently insist he was simply being himself now, he felt a great warming sensation rushing through his veins.
Using that to fuel his instinct to be equally as frank, Jordan tilted his head to the side all over again and then replied.
"We live in a world where people wear masks completely foreign to them every single day. Being yourself is always something to celebrate, Justin." He informed him and I could feel the younger of the two inhaling just as much as I was doing after he heard this.
Jordan had watched his antics since he was a very little boy and Justin viewed him as quite the stable authoritative figure on the quiet. And so when it came to him, he knew to listen. And he was rarely disappointed when he did so. That moment was no exception.
He was encouraged to nod as he couldn't help but feel as though those words were something that he would keep in his pocket with him in the long run – perhaps even create a melody inspired by the way that he had felt when he heard them.
He was encouraged to look back at Jordan all over again, not bothering to pick his hat up off the floor as he listened to more words that came.
"I'm sorry if I said the wrong thing." An apology from Jordan came as a mumble. It still passed through Justin's ears. His hands slid into his pockets for something to do and then he felt the inside of the lining as he continually listened. Jordan did clear his throat that time. "It's just… People have told me before the same things for themselves and I think my response should have been that rather than anything else."
And it came as a rarity that Justin didn't overthink the underlying messages or possibilities of Jordan's words. Instead, he just heard them as they were put forth to him. And because after they were said, Jordan pressed his lips together and had the smallest diamond in his eye; Justin couldn't help but share that back as well as a grin.
After that moment was said and done, he found his voice again too. And not only did he find his voice but because he had bitten the bullet and told the truth once – and he had been shown even more so how to do that by the older male – he continued on that path of honesty.
His big toe in his sock seemed occupied with nudging against a bit of fluff on the carpet as Justin responded, his grin fading down to a close mouthed smile.
"Well… Then I accept it." He told him and for a second or two, he couldn't meet his eye. But then contact was made and his teeth were revealed all over again as he grinned wider once more. The fluff on the floor was nudged all the more. "You couldn't say the wrong thing to me because you told me the truth too… So thanks."
And seemingly just like the towering male before him, he needed those moments of quiet and pausing before saying and doing what he really deemed necessary. Or maybe he was blatantly copying him. Who knows?
All I know is that there and then, I watched that scene on from the window sill and I saw Justin have his turn to lean forward and embrace the older male. Of course, he couldn't squeeze him nearly as tight! But when Jordan returned the hug and held it with all of his might, it was like he was constricting the younger male for the both of them.
And besides, Justin seemed to hold Jordan tight as he carried him in his mind. That hadn't been the moment he envisioned. But it was a moment he was more than pleased about. Jordan had spoken his mind, just like he had. Justin hoped that he would get there for good quicker than he. He just didn't know that it hadn't always been Jordan's forte either.
However, for the time being, those two guys held each other tight. And while Justin's neck and cheeks were constricted in Jordan's neck and shoulder all over again, the yellow haired male's mind couldn't help but wander.
I had never seen the anecdotes clearly in the younger male's mind but I saw him on the face and in the eyes of Jordan there and then. It was my own turn to feel a rumble cascading from my throat as I saw a time that had once been. In some ways, there were similarities. In others, there was only the one thing that was alike. Whatever the case, it was a story. It was a story to be told. And a story for me to know. And remember too.
Jordan waited quietly and he waited patiently for everyone to leave his family home before he could make his way into the poky kitchen area. Though in his mind, he didn't feel very patient at all. His mouth kept moving in a hyperactive manner from biting on his bottom lip to biting inside his own cheek. He continued watching, waiting to be alone with someone.
Still making many movements of the mouth as he watched from the gap in the ceiling from upstairs, his oldest brother was the first to exit. Jordan couldn't help but utter the smallest sighs of relief but then he rolled his eyes, thinking it completely over the top for Wade to be donning his football kit and preparing to head out for a game on one of the coldest days of the year.
But then he reminded himself to feel the weight lifting from his shoulders when he was out of sight and so he focused on this. And then he was grateful when about twelve clock motions or so later than the oldest of the brothers had caused the rickety door to splinter with the slam, after giving the person he wanted to talk to an obvious ruffle of the hair, the youngest of the brothers started to pack their things up from the table. River proceeded to leave as well.
On his way from standing up from the table, he mentioned something about wanting to visit the library. Because this was one of the few strolling routes that their mother took, she seemed eager to join him. As eager as someone like her could be.
Jordan exhaled all over again when everyone was at last leaving the house. He didn't dare allow his feelings to be noticed. And so, he pretended not to hear from upstairs when everyone left the house downstairs through the front door.
For the second time in a relatively short space of time, cold air and flecks of white shot in through the house as the door opened before shutting. But that didn't exactly make any of the people left look around. The many gaps in the Williams' family home made that a regular occurrence.
A couple of minutes more after the house grew peacefully silent, Jordan lingered near the gap in the ceiling that allowed one to see the downstairs while being upstairs. He focused on the person he wanted to talk to still sitting at the table and scanning through his book.
Jordan suddenly felt a wave of warmth running through his body for the younger male and that was such a funny sensation. It almost made him laugh how fondly he felt for him. He didn't feel that way about anything else. In fact, he hardly ever felt anything else at all. But of course, there were one or two other exceptions.
Using that warmth as fuel to encourage him to do what he needed to do as well as combat the extremely cold winter they were having in Johto, Jordan started to proceed from his bedroom and make his way downstairs.
With grace and accuracy in spite of his size even at the age of nineteen, he climbed along and down and around the bit of the house that you could only just call 'stairs'. He landed on his feet with impressive silence. And after his flat cap grew separated from his head and was discarded elsewhere, Jordan ran a hand through his hair and approached the younger male at the table.
He quickly regretted leaving his hat off his head when the cold was all the more chilling downstairs but he tried not to think about it. He tried to focus on doing what he needed to do. He tried to focus on rehearsing the words that he thought were best said. Or at least, the sentiment was best expressed.
Though he was light on his feet and for such a broad young man could go from place to place quietly, he had such a presence about him. And that presence paired with the companionable bond of him and his cousin, it made the deep violet haired young man look up from his book almost as soon as he felt him there.
Eli gave Jordan a grin that was quickly reciprocated. But then, the younger male went back to doing what he was doing. The more tank-like of the two commented this as he lingered by him, his hands travelling to his hips for something of his own to do.
"Well… You're certainly making the most of some people knowing your business." He stated, not needing his hands to gesture towards what Eli was doing because his words spoke volumes enough. However, it took the recipient a minute or two to catch on.
His multi-coloured highlighters continued being lined up neatly on the table near the book he was reading and the florescent drawings and words in his handwriting on the pages surrounding a couple of photos remained staring back at Jordan.
Suddenly, he caught on and it caused him to get the urge to snap his book shut and hide everything away.
"O-Oh…" was all he could say as his book pages closed together, his thumb caught in the middle because he did want to do that but he also didn't want his messages to grow smudged and stuck together. His youthful and sunny face out of habit grew much more contorted and wordless.
Thankfully, Jordan was there to put a stop to that and correct the situation. His own thumb started to poke in between the pages of Eli's book to encourage it back open.
"No." he started, shaking his head. The younger of the two instinctively thought a telling off was going to happen but he couldn't help but feel it was slightly uncommon for him to do so. Jordan smiled reassuringly and it wasn't heavily put on. "Carry on. It's… It's nice."
His words rang out a bit lamely and he knew this. Perhaps his sincere sentiment had been used up with everything before. Or maybe he had suspected that rehearsing what he was going to say would potentially brush the younger male the wrong way.
For the time being though, Eli's young self, recovered quickly and while he did have a blush on his brown cheeks, his mouth stretched wider again and he nodded his head, demurely prying the pages open all over. When the pages were revealed to him as well as the faces inside, he couldn't stop himself from running his thumb over one particular face.
His breath grew halted. Though his mouth widened, it was his eyes that contained the glow of several shimmering stars. Reading the words that he had drawn in a pink cloud right next to the photograph of his hero, he found his speaking voice just like he had found his inner voice only recently.
"It does feel nice to not have to hide it from at least two people." Eli confessed with a smile that didn't falter though his touch did begin to flick through the pages of his book to other heroes of his. However, he did of course land back on the same one all over again and after doing that, he reached for another highlighter – the green one that time – to write words on that page too.
Jordan nodded his head as he listened, scratching the back of his head. For once, he knew that he couldn't come out and say the words that he was really thinking. And it was too soon to say the ones he had rehearsed.
So, he had a moment to pause and a moment to nod and a moment to be silent. The sound that filled the air for a couple of moments was that of Eli's highlighter squeaking as he drew stars around the person he deemed his deity.
When he put his green highlighter down and reached for the purple one, Jordan found his voice and spoke a more polished version of the words he initially thought about retorting.
"Yeah…" he began and he did this while at last reaching for the back of one of the chairs with his hand, pulling it out and sitting his bottom down on it. It let out quite the squeak as it was forced to contain his muscular weight! But he moved past from that to continue. "It's still weird that the other person is my father."
Hearing this, Eli looked over at Jordan immediately and put his florescent pen down. He had seemed so in his own world and in his own bubble of gladness and infatuation that it should've been hard to tug him from there.
But it seemed as though he had noticed Jordan making this sort of comment a good few times in the past day or so, so it was obviously something that was on his mind.
With a clicking noise that sounded like one of the chairs finally giving up for good, Eli put the purple lid back on the purple pen. He looked back over at his cousin, his mouth pressing together as he thought about what he was going to say. But then he decided to just come right out with it with a wave of his hand.
"You knew all along so it was hardly worth telling you. You're lucky you even had a moment." Eli retorted to him with a continually waving hand that Jordan couldn't help but look down at instead of the multitude of multi-coloured pens on the table. He could've sworn his cousin moved differently than in recent weeks. "Besides…" Eli started talking again and it stopped Jordan from having a fish hook pulling at his brow. "These things happen. You don't know what it's like to have something inside you for so long only to come bursting out."
Eli's own brow got pulled upwards but it was for a different reason than before. That was hardly fair, was it? He had felt similarly, hadn't it? Only about different things.
When he hit a success with fixing a boat that everybody else deemed irreparable at the dock years, he wanted that gladness to burst out of him to share it with others. When he had fallen in love, there were some surreal parts of him that wanted to scream it from the rooftops before he decided that it was best not to tell his family a single thing.
Then of course, dealing with some of the grief in his life, sometimes it felt like it would one day burst through his heart and actually slice open his chest as he roared out his hurt. So he was hardly clueless, was he?
Jordan opened his mouth to say all of this but he was stopped before any words could properly form. Eli stopped him without meaning to. His digits stopped dancing inadvertently in a carefree and youthful manner and they started instead clutching multiple highlighters at once, intending to form a three way rainbow line on the page.
This caused Jordan's mouth to softly shut with a click similar to that of the highlighter pen and its lid. Jordan admitted, his elbow taking a chance by pressing against the straining kitchen table.
"No… No you're right. I guess I don't." he answered. In return, Eli made his inquisitive yet sunken young eyes look at his cousin just once but his head didn't animate. He was too busy humming to himself as the rainbow lines formed on the page right next to his hero's photograph. I'm clueless whether it was the look or the sound that gave Jordan the courage to continue. "This is… This is a good of a leeway as any so we might as well go with it. I wanted to talk to you about something."
Eli properly looked at Jordan that time. But no sooner had he done this and he had also put all three of his highlighters down all over again, both of his hands jived and flapped as he got his own words and his own intention in there first.
"Can it wait for just a moment? I need to ask your opinion on something." Eli's dual coloured eyes met Jordan's pure sea green ones and after barely a second, he was met with a look of hesitant suspicion from his cousin. No doubt did he believe that it would be something to do with colour coordination of his pages!
The younger of the two sighed, putting a stop to these unspoken thoughts and at last running his fingers through his own child-like curls, fixing the mess that Wade had made. Jordan understood the sound of his cousin's exhale. He had been put in his place.
Though he rolled his eyes in a similar fashion to what he had done when he had been watching from upstairs, that time it was done with a far more lacquer quality in his orbs. He let out the same exhale. Running a hand through his own hair, he bounced in his chair, moving so he was comfier. Thankfully, the wood didn't give way!
"Fine." He agreed and though his softer side was certainly shown a lot more when it came to the Unovan male, he did allow his authoritative side which I would go on to know to be shown developing at that point. Jordan gave Eli a bit of a look. "But I only came down here to talk, and to talk only."
And upon hearing this, it was Eli's first instinct for his naturally wide eyes to widen all the more and his bottom lip to stick out a fraction of an amount. However, his shoulder was soon collided with Jordan's shoulder and this let him know that he was only teasing.
Still, he gave him a look back – and aloof one – and made a point of tidying up his highlighters in a very neat order before he even dreamt of opening his mouth.
But then he saw Jordan waiting and Jordan actually waiting patiently that time. Between that and not wanting the two different bits of wood crumbling beneath him and them both as both Jordan's elbows rested on the table while his hands cupped his chin, Eli got on with it!
Although he cracked on, he started to fiddle with the array of colours and wished that he hadn't tidied them away quite so promptly.
"Who… Who do you think I should tell next?" Eli wondered aloud to Jordan, giving up on the notion of muddling his pens up again just for something to play with while he spoke. He abandoned this and ran his fingers through his deep purple curls instead. "I can't help but think the hardest ones are yet to come."
His own words were obviously very clear and undeniable to Eli so because of this, his gaze dropped down to the table at the same time that his fingers froze in his locks. But it wasn't the same for Jordan. In fact, he didn't really know what was being said or what point was trying to be put across at all.
One hand of his fell away from his chin so his head was being propped up by just his left hand and his left elbow. He didn't let his expression do any of the talking until he was absolutely certain that he couldn't make sense of Eli's words.
When a couple of moments past and he still didn't know what he was implying, his face represented his thoughts. Lines formed between his brow and he started to see his cousin from a different angle. He had to rein it in so his expression wasn't too scrunched up, though.
"What do you mean, Eli?" he asked, clueless, and for once, his cousin was clueless in the same sense too. From his point of view, his words couldn't be taken any other way. That had been the subject at hand, hadn't it? So he didn't exactly need to say the words all over again, did he?
Eli shook his head for the sake of simply doing so, shaking his fingers out of his locks too. He tried to elaborate and enlighten Jordan, his pointer finger roaming on the oak of the table as he managed not to get a splinter from it.
"I mean… I suppose there's Lynne. But you've probably told her, haven't you?" he rambled to himself and Jordan equally, shrugging and his hands falling into his lap for warmth. For that reason and trying to contain their new-found set-free movements. "Your brothers aren't exactly next on my list for obvious reasons… Same with my parents."
Though these words could continually be interpreted many others ways, realisation started to sink into Jordan and at the same time, he started to sink down into his seat. Eli's eyes darted over to him as he waited for him to say anything, expressing his own opinion.
I'm sure that he wasn't expecting what to come next when he leaned forward in his chair all over again, finding his voice once more when he was certain that they were talking about the same thing.
First and foremost, he shook his own head, his brow furrow featuring more heavily on his face as time passed.
"I haven't told Lynne. I wouldn't tell anyone. And you shouldn't tell Wade or River. Or your parents!" he began, making Eli's own head tilt and his own brow furrow as he waited for his cousin to suggest other names instead. But names didn't come. Words did. And they were decorated with a breathy sigh as his hand passed over his own forehead. "Listen… That's what I wanted to tell you about." He continued, deciding there was no time like the present as Eli's eyes were unmoving on his. "Don't take this the wrong way… But I'm not sure that you should tell anyone else, Eli."
The turn presented itself for Eli to lean back in his chair and he took it. Unlike when the older of the two did it, he appeared even smaller as his back pressed against the wood. There were hardly any comfortable places to sink against in that house but that chair certainly wasn't one either.
And it felt harder than ever after Jordan's words fluttered through his mind. He couldn't believe it. His sunshiny and innocent face threatened to fade away and a distant, lost expression to take over instead. However, before that could happen, he wanted to make sure.
After swallowing softly, he made himself sit up all over again and he tilted his head some more, his eyes tying themselves directly with his cousin's.
"What do you mean…?" he questioned though of course, that time it was perfectly clear what was being hinted between them. It was perfectly clear. Jordan couldn't hide it.
He didn't try to hide it. But he did switch positions in his chair so his legs were tucked underneath him as he sat. He swallowed before and after his words like he was already regretting letting even the first part hit the air.
"Look, don't take this the wrong way…" he began again. As Eli's expression longed to portray how he felt and a wave of upset and shame wash over his features, Jordan knew that he had to continue fast and he had to continue with heart so as not to brush his cousin the wrong way. Air escaped from his parted lips. "I just don't see what good is going to come out of telling anybody else. I don't want you to take this the wrong way… But you were incredibly lucky that my father reacted the way that he did."
It was Eli's turn to exhale. And as he did this, he looked as though his fifteen year old may crumble. But then he tried to remind himself that he was better than that, stronger than that. he tried to remind him of the thoughts that he had concocted for himself, that there was nothing wrong with him and that he should be accepted.
He tried to remind himself of the thoughts that he had repeated to himself during the long and lonely nights of his teenage years. Instead of melting, his orbs hardened as he managed to look back at Jordan.
"I am done lying. I am done pretending. I am done hiding. I am done doing that to everyone. I am done doing that to myself." He tried to insist in a level way but then from his point of view, Jordan rubbed at his forehead for a very different reason than was reality. It caused that composed streak of his to give out. And his eyes threatened to puddle as he looked at his cousin from the side and wondered, his hands somehow crashing further down into his own lap. "Are… Are you mad at me? Do you hate me now…?"
Jordan hadn't been aware of his own reactions at all. Sure, he could feel his fingertips massaging at his own temple but he knew that was because he wished that the world could be different for Eli. He wished that the world could be different full stop. But he certainly wished it to be the case when it came to his cousin.
When these words floated through his ears, he suddenly became painfully aware of how he was presenting himself. To compensate, he dropped his legs down to the ground from underneath him and straightened his spine so abruptly that it made Eli jump. It made him jolt and swallow and uncertain tears threaten to escape.
He managed to withhold most of this though and he did so while Jordan gathered his own thoughts and his own intention. He did start to rub his own forehead again. But he did so after offering Eli a shaky smile so before he had to wait any longer, he knew that he had been mistaken.
"I don't hate you, Eli. I wish that the world could be ready for you." Jordan replied so candidly and unemotionally that it somehow made Eli feel very emotional. He looked down at his trembling lap, knowing in his heart that he wished that that was the case as well. He had tried to be brave and accepting of himself. But he knew that the world was not a place to facilitate someone like him. "I wish that it was, Eli… If it takes one person to take that risk and you want to be him and see if the world reacts differently then I will support you." He paused, his mouth feeling like that sand that resided beneath the snow on the Johto dockyards. "But I have to speak my mind… I don't want you to get crushed."
Needless to say, Eli looked as though he had already been crushed. In his own mind, he was telling himself that it was too good to be true when he had officially accidentally told Bo the truth and in turn given Jordan an official label to which he always believed that he was. That bravery had been too much and believing that people would accept him similarly was too good to be true as well, Eli told himself.
At the best of times, Eli had a mind that could see two points of view at once and that moment was no different. Though he felt like he had been kicked in the chest by a great beast, when he hesitantly couldn't stop himself from looking over at his cousin, he couldn't help but sense the care there.
And that made things worse for him. Why couldn't the world care for things and people and him the way Jordan did? Why couldn't strangers care to the same degree? Why was who he was so alien and unheard of and taboo? What did it matter?
He had told himself that it didn't matter. It didn't matter and it mattered all in one. The most surreal paradox.
Eli knew that Jordan cared. But he also couldn't believe that he was treading on eggshells, just like he had been doing for all those years.
At last, his eyes dried like the sun evaporating splashes of sea on the beach on a sunny summer's day. His chin jutted out as well. He replied. And as he replied, he spoke in an extremely level, quiet yet direct tone of voice.
"So you really don't think that I should tell anyone else…?" he questioned and for one of the first few times in his life, it filled him with conflicting feelings to look into the eyes of his cousin. He saw care. He saw protection. He saw fear. He hoped that fear was for his safety rather than who he was, was contagious.
Jordan looked back at his cousin. I'm sure that it was hard for him to look back at him too. It was probably so difficult to see someone who yearned to be so brave and unapologetic on the inside but wasn't blessed with an accepting world around him so those two sides of him could be whittled away like the wooden creations that he often made.
It was hard for him to be honest with Eli. He didn't want that to be his honesty, of course he didn't. He wanted Eli to go on to love whoever he wanted to love. But he had protected him for so long. He had lied for him for so long.
In the end, it was that streak that won out. And because he felt so passionately about Eli not getting a single scratch on his unique and unconditionally loving heart, he boomed just a little bit, lifting his bottom from the chair and both hands pressing on the table.
"I really don't think you should tell anyone." He told him and somehow, Eli managed to keep the eye contact even when his broad and looming cousin stared right at him and from his point of view, possibly even down at him.
However, before he could think of a single word to say back or he could jolt or move or square up or hide under the gaze of his protective cousin, all of a sudden the door of the rickety house blew open and someone entered it surrounded by a cloud and a cacophony of tumbling wind and snow.
Bo shut the door behind him with a heavy slam, cursing under his breath when yet another of the panels fell away and disintegrated into splinters. Both Jordan and Eli jumped at the presence. But they jumped even more so when Jordan's father had walked into their discussion and evidently heard a good part of it from the way that his first words sounded.
"And I really don't think you should be barking your authority at your cousin." He started, his hands that were numb from the cold of just a short walk from his place of work to his home started to undress himself of his scarf and his jacket. He probably should have kept them on. But still, he continued doing so and as he did this he added, looking right over at them both. "Do you?"
Jordan had the inclination to sit his bottom back down in the chair almost as soon as the door flew open and he certainly did upon hearing the words of his father – and feeling his gaze too.
The thoughts that filled his mind were that he was being slightly hypocritical saying that he shouldn't be using his authority on people but of course, he didn't dream of uttering a single word of his thoughts.
Instead, he focused on feeling the wood against his behind once more and he didn't look at Eli as he didn't look at him either. His eyes wandered to his highlighters on the table, his mouth pressing together on the corner of his face and a slight uncomfortable dimple appearing.
Both of the cousins were united again in spite of everything in their joint hope that Bo would leave it there, grumpily and aloofly taking himself to the sofa in the kitchen area and plopping himself down there for a nap, like he often did. But he did not do this.
With his hefty jacket on the coat hook and his scarf there too, he walked over to the table where the two boys sat. Between their lack of eye contact with each other and him and everything that had happened over the last few days, he had an idea what their conversation was about.
Truthfully, he didn't care much about their business usually. But he had an unusual interest on that day. Possibly because he had been included and couldn't so easily exclude himself from it, acting as though he didn't care.
"What makes you such an expert on what Elijah should do or shouldn't do?" Bo came up behind his son after a long morning shift working on the boats, initially putting both of his hands on the back of Jordan's chair. He was already flinching at this, let alone when one of his hands went to the back of his head.
But because a hitting motion was not made and he then moved behind Eli instead, the yellow haired of the three could relax enough to exhale. He knew that his cousin was in safe hands with his father, he didn't have to worry there. It was only him that he had to worry about.
Then, due to Eli remaining silent, it had to be him to worry about replying. He remained wordless for a couple more moments. But then he decided to clue Bo in.
He figured, his cousin had been courageous enough to speak the truth to him so he could as well.
"I never said that…" Jordan found himself insisting but instead of looking at his father, he looked over at his cousin. His gaze wasn't met but he knew he needed to hear the words more than anyone. "The world doesn't deserve to be a part of who he is from the way that it's run."
Eli's eyes locked onto Jordan's again. I'm not sure they hesitated. I'm not sure they faltered. All I know is that all of a sudden, their innocent yet haunting gaze was back on the yellow haired male and he listened to his words. I'm sure that he was touched. But there was probably also a part of him that was waiting for more, harsh words to come.
His anticipating was futile and he watched as Bo's eyes locked onto his son too. He could tell from the way that his hands moved on the back of his own chair as he held it. He knew as much from the sound of the exhale that came from him too.
"Who put you in charge, Jordan? If he wants to share then he has a right to share." He told his middle son and that time, he felt the sting of his hand before he moved round to join them at another chair at the table. Bo didn't look at his son then. He didn't look at his son while his hand itched to but managed not to move and nurse the patch of aching skull. All his attention was towards Eli. He had an odd softness that he didn't have for his other children – or anyone. "I'm not saying that it will be well received, though. But do you think you are ready to tell your parents?"
Eli shuffled in his seat and he shuffled in his seat quite heavily. It was partially due to the anxiety of coming to this conclusion as well as Jordan feeling the blow to the head over something that was technically (in his mind) his fault.
He felt the oak of the chair pulling at and scratching his behind as he sat and shuffled, managing to not run his hands through his hair because he knew that he would make it even messier than Wade did. He forwent biting his lip too.
At last, he decided on the fact that he should at least be honest. And because he did this, his voice came out wavering and hesitant, and he was unable to look at Bo or Jordan.
"I don't know…" he contemplated, his lips still managing not to be chewed upon. His shuffling in his seat finally came to a halt. Eyes flickered. Eyes flickered in his own sockets as well as other peoples. Eventually he sighed, his wide eyes fluttered shut for just a moment. "I just don't want to lie anymore."
Lips pressed together. Lips pressed together from Eli but from Jordan and Bo too. Surprisingly, it was Bo who did this almost the most. But then again, I knew that everybody felt the same way as Eli at least once in their life, whether it was for the same reason or a multitude of others.
Not that I know him all that well other than from the tales of the past from Jordan, I'm sure that Bo experienced it more than once from the way that his mouth continually pressed together and he looked at Eli with a patience that he lacked with practically everyone else.
He ran an oil covered and beaten hand through his own deep violet locks at the same time that Eli gave in and did the same to his similarly shaded but curly ones. He thought to himself. He contemplated to himself. Eventually, he nodded.
He could be as blunt as his son and silent as he too but he said things with the same gravity on occasion too. He was possibly going to go on to say one of these things.
However, speaking of his son, he got there first. Or rather, a noise escaped from his parted lips and it caused Eli and Bo to look over at him.
His cousin looked over at him, waiting for him to articulate himself because he knew that he was going to eventually. But he forgot that Bo was watching on as well. This made Jordan more hesitant to speak his mind.
He was made though to when Bo gave him such a look that he was going to end up regretting speaking as much as regretting anything he could go on to say!
"I just don't see how it's lying." Jordan confessed, leaning back in his chair once more and his fingers joining together, clasping over his own stomach. It was due to the chill of the house as much as anything else. He breathed out, a frown forming as he believed in his words. "Not everyone has a right to access you, Eli. Not everybody has a right to know you and use that to tear you down."
A single beat. Just one single beat. A small beat where Eli absorbed Jordan's truth and at least could store it inside him before making his own opinion.
That pause passed and then Bo retaliated. He came down hard on his son.
"And not everybody cowers in the corner like you and hides themselves from the world, Jordan." He snapped. But he snapped in such a quietly hostile way that it was his words that did all of the talking. Just one of them narrowed. Just one of them twitched. But both of them locked onto his son.
And in return, his son swallowed and those words were enough to encourage him into silence. For quite a long time after his mouth slammed shut and his cheeks grew the colour of the fire in the living area and his eyes wandered down to his clenched together fingers over his stomach, it seemed as though everybody else was going to remain silent.
Bo, who didn't appear to regret his words and simply sighed, shaking his head and deeming them necessary the more that time passed. Eli, who sat there in equal silence with shaking, rattling wide eyes as he had been the cause of yet another punishment for his cousin.
He didn't believe that he deserved that. He didn't believe that was fair. Sure, he could be seen as the voice of a pessimist. But it wasn't coming from that sort of place at all. He wanted his cousin to be his cousin. But he wanted him to be him without the world sucking him dry of all of his goodness and what made him, him after he shared himself with every life that he touched.
The more that Eli thought things through and the more that he stayed silent, the more he knew that he couldn't for much longer. He and Jordan saw things differently. But maybe that was okay. He saw things differently and felt differently and loved him anyway. And that was everything to him.
I'm sure that Jordan wasn't expecting it when unlike him, Eli's chin lifted up and he looked over at Bo and he confronted him back.
"That… That's not entirely fair." He started and almost immediately, Bo's eyes that were usually too tired for anything locked onto his and listened. And as he did this, he didn't have the same indignation as if his son had been the one to challenge him. "Jordan knows how cruel people can be more than anyone… He's been taking the fall and covering for me for years."
Eli didn't allow his head to tilt in his cousin's direction and I know that this is due to the same protection that Jordan also shared with the younger male. His head didn't move. But his eyes darted to the side and he looked at the yellow haired male from the corner of his socket.
Jordan didn't dare look up. He didn't dare look up and risk another telling off from his father, let alone be caught looking over at his cousin out of fear as it being mistaken for the wrong way. Instead, after a couple of seconds of hesitance and a couple of seconds more of his pupils flickering, he met Eli's gaze in the corner of his own sockets.
And following this, whether he wholeheartedly acknowledged it or agreed with it or not, Bo showed that he had at least listened from the way that he moved the conversation forward, turning in his chair and rotating his body towards Eli again.
"Okay." He commenced, not making it known whether he agreed or disagreed. And he didn't touch on that subject again while Jordan's head very slowly lifted once more. "I don't believe that my son has a right to tell you what to do and I don't believe that I do either." Jordan's head managed to not react too much in any sense at the words that both he and Eli were hearing. "But you need to decide something, Eli. Would you rather be loved for who you are or hated for who you aren't? Maybe don't do anything just yet. And think that through."
As I look back in retrospect, I have many of the same thoughts that I always did. I couldn't help but feel that Bo's words towards Eli were a little harsh. Should a fifteen year old be almost warned that they could be hated for something that he could not control?
To this day, I don't believe that it's really hate that people possess when they have the prejudices that live in their hearts. They only fear. They fear what they don't understand. They fear the realisation that there's more aspects of life than they once believed. They fear what is inside of them.
Sure, it comes across as hate. And maybe it is hate sometimes. But if it bothers you that much then other, cowardly qualities must live inside you.
I'm glad that Eli overcame that hate eventually. He overcame the hate that people thought they had for him. And he overcame the hate he thought he had for himself too.
There was an understandable silence following Bo's words. Eli wanted to live up to his uncle's words in a way because they were being offered to him so he at least thought that he should accept. And on top of that, I think that he knew that his uncle knew what he was talking about.
Jordan was doubtful. He saw things the way that he did and his father was not only coming from a different angle but also dismissing his point of view too. That made him want to do the same! And yet, the more that he thought about it, the more that he realised that he was entitled to it. And at the end of the day, the important thing was Eli.
As long as Eli was loved and protected and free and had a loving home to go to, then it was all okay. Everybody would always have differing opinions until the end of time. And that was okay. As long as it was done with acceptance rather than anything else.
After a while, Eli at least nodded his head to show he had been listening to Bo's words and not only this but he showed off a bit of a weak smile while inhaling. And then following this, all three of them were eventually nodding.
Bo hoped his advice had been a wise bunch. Jordan hoped that Eli still valued his own guidance, as much as he valued anybody else's. He said he told people the truth because it's what his heroes would have wanted but at the end of the day, Jordan knew that it was because it was what Eli wanted. Not that he had the confidence to know it at that point.
For the time being, he relied on the strength of others. In due course he would be taught a lesson which would make him rely on himself first and foremost. But for the time being, he had people to concur with.
The more that time passed, the more that expressions started to change. Or rather, just the one did and it was plainly obvious to everybody else. It was undeniable to Eli who in spite of it all couldn't help but feel curious about it. And it was clear as day to Bo who gave his son the same look as before as well as informing him to tell everyone else why he looked like the cat who had licked the cream.
Jordan wiped any expression off his face, shaking his head. But then he saw his father continually looking at him and he was looking at him in a different way. His eyes didn't appear to far away as usual. There was a bit of a diamond in them. There was the oncoming diamond that he usually had for Eli.
The yellow haired male didn't understand why. But he also didn't want to risk not telling him why!
"I'm just not sure that you would ever give me that sort of advice." Jordan shrugged, his hands linking together over his stomach one last time before giving Eli the tiniest of smiles. He wanted him to know that he didn't resent it. He was simply telling him things the way he saw them.
The smile was not returned. A tilt of the head came about in its place, Eli glancing, and looking between the two and the interaction that they would go on to have. It could have been one that put a knot in ones stomach.
Jordan retaliating to his no nonsense parents was a very common thing but not exactly the wisest of things. It usually could go anywhere. But of course, it also usually led to the same thing.
However, on that day, maybe Bo had eventually been touched by the truthfulness that Eli had possessed on the day that he blurted out honesty to him. And because of that, he spoke it back.
He didn't exactly do it in a carefree manner. But he did do it, his own elbow starting to plant on the table and his greasy blackened hand cupping underneath his own face.
"You've never asked me for that sort of advice." He initially pointed out unemotionally and Jordan nearly flinched when his hand came towards his face. It did make contact. But it was a different way than usual. It was almost… playful? Bo's face could lead you to think that as he continued. "You don't need it. You've been nothing but yourself since the day you were born." A pause. A breath occurred like he was trying to suck back his words. "It's one of the things I do admire about you."
His words hardly came out as sincerely. It was hardly the most touching moment of the year. The moment between he and Eli days before was arguably a lot sweeter! Regardless, that moment had happened. And the two of them just had to be grateful that it had been shared.
Nevertheless, the way that it happened still made Jordan and Eli share a look of surprise that was bordering on mischievous. Before their mouths could fall open as they widely grinned, Bo coughed to himself. And after he did this, he said some more words of the day.
"What I admire most is how hard you work though. So get to the docks, boy." He commanded his son, any oncoming easy-going twinkle fading away and a firm look arriving in its place. Still, he was not the same as before. Not entirely. Not nearly. "You too, Eli. Those boats could use your unique touch as well."
Another look between cousins was shared. More surprise and mischief filled glances in spite of every part of their conversation was shared. But then before Bo could ask them again – and in a much harsher way than before – they decided to grab their coats and hurry off, off to the dockyard in the freezing Johto weather!
And as the door finally slammed after they bustled on their way with an arm around each other for warmth, Bo at last did plod over to the tiny sofa in the kitchen and plonk himself down. But he wasn't as weary as he once would have been. And he didn't shut his eyes to go to sleep either. He had been changed that day. And once again, it had all been down to Eli.
I think it's easy to sum up Eli's experience with his sexuality and say that a lot of things went wrong where they could have gone right. But that was his story. He didn't have the same family to back him up like Justin did. But they still did affect people in the same way.
In truth, Bo could have found it very easily to react with the same dismissiveness and disdain as other people. But he chose not to. To tell you the truth, he couldn't find it in his heart to do so. A bright and wide eyed kid had come to him and told him the truth. And it made him feel a lot better about life than he once did. Not that he ever told anyone.
Eli may have had a rough ride of it all but he arrived at a place of tranquillity eventually. And to be honest, maybe that was the way that it was meant to go down. Yes, it would've been a lot nicer for it to be smoother. But he probably wouldn't have impacted the amount of people that he had.
It was the same for Justin. Maybe things should have been better for him. But they weren't. That was his story. That was Eli's story. Eventually, them being themselves inspired countless others to be that as well. Whoever they were. Whoever they were going to be.
And not that they knew it either, but Jordan was one of the people that they did this for. At one point, he had Eli under his wing. At another point, he had Justin under his wing. And during one place, he had them both.
Even though he didn't understand a lot of the time, he accepted. And that was one of the reasons why he shone. He allowed people to be. And he loved people for being. I don't think they would be the same without Jordan in their lives.
Eli wouldn't be the same without his guardian angel presented to him as a cousin. Justin wouldn't be the same without his guardian angel disguised as his father's best friend. Thank goodness Jordan gave life many chances. Half of these stories wouldn't have happened without his own bit of bravery.
The End.
There you go! Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed :) Jordan is certainly one of those characters who comes along way and learns from the past. Though way back with Eli he was just trying to protect him, by the time he deals with similar news from Justin, he understands that he should simply just be congratulated. It's understandable why Jordan doesn't want his cousin hurt though. Like Eli says, he has watched over for him for years and even protected him to the extent that he's the one who ends up bruised and called all kinds of unforgiveable names. I think Bo is an interesting character. Stoic and weary, but yet with a strangely sweet relationship with Eli. His wide eyed and dreamy qualities get through even the toughest of exteriors! Thanks again for reading and I will be back next Wednesday so see you then!
Amy signing out :)