Chapter Eleven – Talking About Feelings
By the time Halloween arrived, Harry had practically become a sleep deprived zombie of himself that had no energy to do anything other than just going through the motions. No matter what Harry did, the nightmares never went away. Talking about them didn't help. Writing it down in a dream journal didn't help. Meditating with calming herbs burning didn't help. Everything he did seemed to only make the nightmares worse. Harry didn't know what to do, he was on the verge of breaking. He hated to admit it, but he had been thinking more and more about just ending it, to just steal or make a potion that would put him into a sleep and never wake up.
Harry sighed, his mind sluggishly coming up with a plan on how to get that potion, as his body slumped against the wall, eyes staring unseeingly at the sea of students. Would he be able to sneak that potion out of the Potions classroom without Severus noticing? The man was scarily good at knowing when as student was doing something that they shouldn't. Sometimes Harry could get away with slipping extra ingredients into his cloak pocket, but lately Severus had been able to catch him more and more.
Harry flinched and blinked when someone waved their hand in front of his face. "Huh?" Harry asked and received a worried sigh in return.
"I asked if you had gotten any more sleep last night. But with that blank stare you're giving me I can safely presume that the answer is 'no'." Myari said, looking at Harry with worried eyes.
"Oh, yeah, no." Harry muttered as his tired body nearly gave out, Myari cried in shock and quickly threw her arms out and caught him.
"Right, enough of this." Myari said as she threw his arm over her shoulder and began to drag him down the corridor.
"Where are we going?" Harry slurred out.
"The Snake Pit." Myari told him. The Snake Pit was the name everyone gave the Slytherin common room. It was believed that it had once been used as an insult however the Slytherin Students took that name and turned it into something good. "You need to talk through your nightmares."
"But we tried that. It only made the nightmares worse." Harry whined as they stumbled down the stairs.
"I know, I know." Myari told him, shifting his weight on her. "However, I sent my grandmama an owl, and explained the situation. She informed me that there is something about that nightmare that is truly bothering you. We need to find that something and have you acknowledge it. It's obvious that it's not the nightmare itself that's bothering you, my grandmama suggested we talk about how the nightmare makes you feel." She grunted as Harry slipped, causing her to nearly drop him. "So, I'm going to take you to the Snake Pit, sit you down and then I'm going to find Luna and bring her to the Snake Pit. And then we're all going to talk about our feelings, because you cannot go on like this. I'm scared for your health."
"Kitten?" A voice called out to them. Myari stopped and turned them towards the voice to find a very worried looking Draco. He parted from the group of Slytherins he had been with and bolted over to them. "What's wrong, Harry? What happened?" He glared at Myari. "What did you do to him? Where are you taking him? Did you hurt him? Where did you find him?" He asked her all in one breath.
"Woah, woah, woah. Slow down. Take a breath before you pass out." Myari ordered him as she shifted Harry's weight once more, earning a glare from Draco. "Harry's exhausted because of his nightmares. I didn't do anything to him, and I take offence to that accusation." Draco rolled his eyes at her. "I'm taking him to the Snake Pit. Once again, no I didn't hurt him, and I take offense to that accusation as well. I found him on the third floor across from the library." Myari shifted Harry once more.
"Why the Snake Pit?" Draco asked as he pulled Harry from her and picked him up bridal-style.
"Hee-hee, you're so strong, Dragon." Harry slurred out as he nuzzled into Draco's chest and felt the boy straight up.
"Because I haven't figure out the answer to the riddle for the Ravenclaw Tower yet. And Harry is obviously in no condition to figure it out, and Luna is in the Forbidden Forest. I planned on dropping Harry off before going to get her to help me with Harry." Myari explain.
"Why would you need Looney Lovegood?" Draco asked as he began to lead her towards a secret corridor that lead towards the Snake Pit.
"Don't call her that!" Myari growled and stomped after him.
"I'll call her whatever the bloody hell I want to." Draco told her. "Now answer my question.
"Well, assface, the reason I need Luna is because she is good at figuring out the meaning of dreams and nightmares." Myari told him. Draco stopped walking and spun around.
"Wee!" Harry cried out before bursting into giggles.
"What did you just call me?" Draco asked slowly as he stalked over Myari.
"I'll call you whatever the bloody hell I want to." Myari told him with a smirk as she used Draco's own words against him.
"You two make the best of friends." Harry giggled out before he finally passed out.
-Keep Me In Your Memories-
Harry, Haiden, Ron, and Professor Lockhart were standing in a bathroom, Moaning Myrtle floating in front of them. "Around here?" Haiden asked looking over at the sinks before going over to them, taking Harry with him as he was holding his hand. Harry bent over, taking a closer look one of the sinks. It looked like an ordinary sink, until Harry saw it: Scratched on the side of one of the copper taps was a tiny snake. He tugged at Haiden's hand and mutely pointed at the sink.
"That tap's never worked." Myrtle said brightly as Haiden tried to turn it.
"Haiden," Ron called out, "have Harry say something in Parseltongue." Haiden looked over at Harry.
"Do you think you can do that?" Harry's eyes flashed over at Ron, Professor Lockhart, and Moaning Myrtle, before looking back at his older brother. "I know, I know. But you're the only one here that can talk to snakes. Just focus on the sink and pretend that it's only me in here with you." Harry turned to look at the sink. He opened his mouth, but no words (Parseltongue or otherwise) came out as he caught sight of Ron through the mirror. Harry looked at his brother.
"Hey, Ron, would you mind taking Professor Lockhart into the hall for a little while." Haiden asked and Ron groaned but roughly grabbed the Professor's arm and drug the man out the door.
"You know, one of these days Harry is going to have to get over his fear of speaking in front of anyone that isn't you. I'm starting to wonder if he even knows how to speak." Ron grumbled as he did so.
"Okay, Harry, they're gone. Now will you please speak Parseltongue?" Haiden begged as Harry and Moaning Myrtle locked eyes through the mirror. She giggled and floated out of sight. Harry closed his eyes.
Harry watched in fear, huddled by Ginny's body to protect her (as he was ordered to by Haiden), as he watched the large basilisk chasing his brother. Was Haiden going to die? Was Haiden going to get seriously hurt again? Was Dumbledore going to blame him like last year? Wasn't there anything Harry could do to protect his brother so that he didn't get punished by Dumbledore? The sword his brother had only been able to pull half-way out of the sorting hat caught his attention.
Without much thought to what could happen to him (anything would be better than being punished by Dumbledore), Harry pulled the sword the rest of the way out of the hat. Gripped it tight. Ran towards his brother and the basilisk. The sounds of his footsteps on the wet ground pulled the blinded basilisk's attention away from his brother.
The world slowed down and came into sharp focus. The basilisk, mouth stretched wide enough to swallow him whole and lined with fangs as long as the sword in his hands, lunged at him. Harry raised the sword in both his hands.
Harry threw his whole weight behind the sword and drove it to the hilt into the roof of the serpent's mouth–
But as warm blood drenched Harry's arms, he felt a searing pain just above his elbow. One long, poisonous fang was sinking deeper and deeper into his arm, and it splintered as the basilisk keeled over sideways and fell, twitching, to the floor.
Harry fell to his knees, a silent scream on his lips. He had protected his brother. Dumbledore shouldn't be mad at him anymore. He wouldn't be punished like last time.
Harry gripped the fang that was spreading poison through his body and wrenched it out of his arm. But he knew it was too late. White-hot pain was spreading slowly and steadily from the wound. Even as he dropped the fang and watched his own blood soak his robes and his vision going foggy, Harry didn't feel any fear or regret. If he died, he would never have to face Dumbledore's wrath ever again. The Chamber was dissolving in a whirl of dull color.
A patch of scarlet swam past, and Harry heard a soft clatter of claws beside him. Fear shot through him. He had forgotten about Fawkes! How could he have forgotten about Fawkes! If Fawkes healed him with his tears then he'd have to face Dumbledore again! The beautiful Phoenix laid his head on the spot where the serpent's fang had pierced him. Harry wanted to push the bird away, to tell the bird to just let him die. However, the poison had taken away all of his strength.
-Keep Me In Your Memories-
Harry woke with a gasp of air and shot up. When he began gagging, he felt a hand began to rub his back as a bucket was placed in front of him just in time to catch a wave of sick as it came up. And as Harry emptied his stomach, his ears picked up the soft, soothing hum that he now associated with Luna. After he was done being sick, he groaned and went to lean his head on Luna's shoulder, however, he was shocked when she moved. He opened his eyes to see her and Draco trading spots.
"Do you do this every time you wake from a nightmare?" Draco asked in concern as Harry snuggled into his comforting presences.
"Do what? Get sick, or snuggle with someone?" Harry asked, snuggling even more to Draco when he began to run his fingers through Harry's hair.
"Waking up gasping for air and getting sick." Myari said, alerting Harry that she was also there. Harry opened his eyes and glanced over to her (his tired mind taking in the fact that they were in the Snake Pit) to find the girl with Luna's head on her shoulder.
"I'm usually alone." Harry told them. "The only time I am leaning on someone is with Luna during breakfast." Harry was content to just sit there with his friends and relax.
"So, Harry…" Myari started, her tone telling him that she wanted to talk about something. It was clear what she wanted to talk about.
"No." Harry told her, shifting and pulled his knees closer to him while staying snuggled up to Draco. He hadn't been able to snuggle with his friend for a while because of their busy schedules and Harry being more zombie than boy lately.
"Don't be like that, we need to talk about this." Myari told him and Harry turned his head to be able to bury it in Draco's chest.
"Why?" Harry asked. "The last time we tried talking about my nightmare, it made it worse! What makes you think it will work this time?" Harry asked shifting closer to Draco, silently begging with his body for Draco to protect him, from what, he refused to name.
"Only because we focused on what you saw in your dream, not what the dream made you feel." Myari explained and Harry tensed up before he shot up from the couch, shocking both Draco and Myari.
"I'm leaving." Harry growled before turning and began to storm out. He was tired and frustrated. He didn't want to talk about his nightmare, what would be the point? Talking about it clearly wouldn't work this time, it didn't work last time. Harry had almost made it to the door when his arm was grabbed, and he was spun around to be faced with an angry Luna shocking Harry. He flinched when Luna's pointer finger was suddenly in his face.
"'Fear should never be in control.'" She told him angrily.
"I'm not–" Harry started only to cut himself off at Luna's accusing look. He glanced away from the girl with a sigh, causing Luna to smile. She took him by the hand and pulled him back to the couch, where Draco had stood up and seemed to be barely holding himself back from rushing over to Harry. Harry allowed himself to be handed off to Draco, who practically pulled him into his lap when they sat back down on the couch. The silence that fell around the group was tense as everyone waited for Harry to start. "Where do you want me to start?" Harry asked a few minutes later.
"Well, let's start with what the nightmare you had this time was about." Myari said and Harry sighed before starting to pick at the leather couch.
"The same as always." He muttered.
"Were the same people in it?" Myari asked and Harry shifted so that he could bury his face in Draco's shoulder, and Draco began to run a soothing hand through his hair. "Harry, were the same people in the nightmare?" She asked again after a long moment of silence.
"It this really necessary? Can't you see that Harry doesn't want to talk about this!" Draco snapped at her.
"If you're fine with Harry not sleeping and constantly on the edge of breaking, then no this is not necessary. However, if you want Harry's nightmares to stop, then yes, it is necessary." Myari told him.
"Why are you so sure that forcing Harry to talk about his nightmare will work this time?" Draco asked, wrapping his arm around Harry, and pulled him closer to him, causing Harry to smile.
"I don't, but it's better than doing nothing!" Myari told him; Harry felt Draco tense up. "Right, Harry, were the same people who are normally in the nightmare there, or was there new people?"
"The only people I can remember is me and my brother, however, I know there were other people." Harry told her after a minute to gather his thoughts.
"Thank you, I know this is hard, but my grandmama said to go through the nightmare piece by piece. So, start from the beginning and tell me how it made you feel." Myari told him and Harry sighed.
"I don't remember exactly how it starts, but the first thing I remember is a sink opening." Harry explained. Harry knew that there was more happening before the sink opening, but he could never remember.
"When you see this sink opening, what do you feel?" Myari asked. Harry glanced at her, half expecting to see her with a pen and paper, like that therapist on a tv show he had caught a glimpse of while handing his Uncle a beer.
"Nervous, scared, with a hint of foreboding." Harry said slowly, as he searched his feelings.
"Do you know why you feel this way?" Myari asked and Harry took the time to think.
"No." Harry said. "I'm not sure if it's because I know what's going to happen next, or if dream me is scared of the unknown." The group sat in a thoughtful silence, the only sound coming from the other Slytherin students milling around.
"Do you remember what happens next in the dream?" Myari asked.
"Not immediately, however, the next thing I remember is that I'm limping behind my brother as we walk into a large dungeon." Harry told them. "The further we walk into the dungeon, the more foreboding it feels."
"What happens next?" Myari asked.
"The next thing I remember is Haiden standing in front of me, glaring at someone. I don't know who the person is. I'm kneeling beside someone; I don't know who they are or if they are knocked out or dead. People are speaking, but I can't remember who spoke or what was said." Harry said with a sigh. "I'm confused and terrified, however, the foreboding feeling is gone. And the next thing I remember is…" The words got caught in his throat like every time he tried to speak of the next part.
"Is what?" Myari urged, even though she knew what happens next. Fear and anger rose in Harry.
"You know what happens next!" He snapped at her. Why did he have to tell her what happens when she knew what came next. Why did he have to admit to everyone that he was just a shield for his brother? He didn't want to be known as just his brother's shield! Myari didn't seemed fazed when Harry snapped at her.
"I know this is difficult, Harry, but you need to admit, even if only to yourself, why this part is hard to talk about." Myari told him softly, her tone sounding as if she were speaking to a frightened animal. If Harry was an animal, then he knew that his hackles would be raised, and Harry jumped up from the couch and began to pace. He notice Myari hold up a hand, silently telling someone to stop, and glanced at Draco to see that he looked as if he were about to get up from the couch as well.
"I don't see how talking about this is going to help!" Harry said, his hand running through his hair. He was tired and annoyed with everything. He didn't want to deal with this whole therapy charade anymore! "Why are we even doing this? It's pointless! This whole thing is stupid! And all of you are even more stupid for thinking it will help!" He lashed out, gaining the attention of all the other Slytherin's in the Snake Pit.
"Why do I even hang out with any of you? You're an imbecile that wouldn't even be able to find her way out of a wet paper bag, not even if you had detailed notes!" Harry growled out at Myari who looked to be holding herself back from snapping back at him. "And you!" He turned his attention to Luna who was just staring at him with amusement. "You're crazy!" He turned his glare onto Draco, who looked terrified at what Harry would say about him. Harry opened his mouth to let him have it, only to hesitate. "And you… you're… You are…" He stumbled, his anger fading and his eyes tearing up. "You're a spoiled brat!" He cried before he bolted out of the common room, his tears falling from his eyes.
Harry ran down the dungeon corridor (crashing through a group of older students), not knowing where he was going, just knowing that he had to get away from his friends. Why did he say all those things? Why did everything weird and strange have to happen to him? Why couldn't he just be normal? When he came to a familiar door, he barely even paused to knock before he flew into an office, shocking Severus. Severus hadn't even been able to fully get out of his seat before Harry threw his body at him, causing the man to stumble back into the chair with an 'oof'.
"Harry? What's going on? What's wrong?" Severus asked in a panic, his eyes scanning him while his hands began to pat Harry's body searching for any wounds.
"I'm not just a shield, am I dad?" Harry asked, never once noticing that he had accidentally called Severus 'dad'. He had looked up to the man since last year, however, ever since spending time with him during Christmas last year he had started seeing Severus like a father. But he had been too scared to tell the man his feelings. What if the man laughed at him? What if he pushed Harry away? What if he stopped caring about Harry?
"What are you talking about?" Severus asked shakily before taking a deep breath and pulled Harry away enough to be able to look him in the eyes. "Who told you that you were just a shield?"
"Professor Dumbledore." Harry told him with a sniff. "I overheard the two of you last year when I was in the Hospital Wing." He felt Severus's hands tighten on his shoulders. "Dumbledore said that I was only needed to strengthen the blood wards. That I'm only needed as a shield for Haiden." Harry cried. "I don't want to be a shield for Haiden! I want to be me!" Severus pulled Harry into a loving hug.
"Don't listen to a damn thing that old man says. He is a crackpot old fool who thinks he knows everything." Severus said after a long moment of silence. He sat Harry on his desk and began to wipe the tears from Harry's face. "You want to know a secret about Albus?" Harry nodded. "He doesn't know everything." Harry giggled causing Severus to smirk. "I know more things than he does. I know you're smarter than your brother. I know that you're nicer and more polite than your brother." Harry looked down bashfully. "I also know that, if you overheard me and Albus, then you heard that me and Lucius are trying to fight him for custody over you." Harry nodded as he looked back up at the man. "However, with all the evidence we have now, it's not an easy fight, however, if you helped us I know we'd be able to win."
"If you win, will I be staying with you or the Malfoy family?" Harry asked.
"The plan is for me to adopt you, if you're all right with that." Severus told him before looking uncertain. "You could even continue calling me dad, if you want." Harry's eyes widened as his mind finally registered that he had called Severus dad.
"I mean, if it's alright with you." Harry said nervously as he began to pick at his robe. "You're not mad at me for calling you dad?" Severus looked at him in shock.
"What? Of course not! Why would I be angry?" Severus asked, his voice breaking a little. "True, it shocked me, but you don't know how happy it makes me to hear you call me dad." Tears began to fall from Severus's eyes. "Before you came into my life, I never wanted to be a father, terrified that I wouldn't be a good father because I never had a loving father myself. You don't know how many fights me any my life partner have had over having children. I've been kicked out of my bed and forced to sleep on the couch so many times that I had to go out and get a comfier couch." Harry laughed alongside Severus, even though he didn't truly get what was so funny. "However, I want to be your father, I want you to call me dad, I want to be the father neither of us have ever had."
"I want to be your son." Harry whispered earning a smile from Severus.
"I wish I could explain to you how happy my life partner was when he heard about you, and about my wanting to take care of you and be a father." Severus told him with a humorless laugh. "He nearly bit my head off that first night in Diagon Ally when I told him that he couldn't meet you just yet, that he had to wait until you were ready to meet him. I didn't want you to feel like you had to be my son."
"Can I meet him now?" Harry asked.
"I wish." Severus said, giving Harry an apologetic look. "He's away for…work. His, um, boss sent him on a…project and he won't be back until around the Christmas Holidays." Severus explained, his tone making it quite clear that Severus disliked either his partners job or his partner's boss.
"So," Harry started as his mind raced to figure out how to be able to meet Severus's life partner, "then I'll just home with you during the Christmas break."
"Oh, I wish I could let you come home with me over the Christmas break; however, as I am not your legal guardian I cannot legally take you home with me." Severus told him and Harry deflated. "But there is no rule against me bringing him over to the Malfoy Manor to visit." He hinted at with a smirk causing Harry to smile.
"I'll ask Draco if I can spend Christmas with him again this year." Harry said. Of course, this would be after he apologized to his friends for snapping at them and saying the things he had to them. Now that he had calmed down, he felt bad about the way he acted and the mean things he said about his friends. "What's your life partner's name?" Harry asked as he pushed his feelings to the back of his mind until later.
"His name is Remus Lupin." Severus said before looking conflicted.
"What?" Harry asked.
"Remus has a… condition that we don't normally tell people about, however I'm sure he would agree with me that you should know about it before you meet him. You can't tell anyone about this… condition, because if it gets out then people will treat him… differently, and he doesn't want that." Severus told him. Was Remus sick?
"What is it?" Harry asked. Severus opened his mouth and hesitated. Was this condition life threatening? Was Remus dying? How much longer did Remus have?
"Remus is a Lycan."