Chapter 24 Breath of Life
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I shiver uncontrollably and cry out with each breath I let go, a mix of excruciating pain and grief. My teeth chatter and grind against each other between my cries until my jaw locks shut. Even with all my pain and grief, I manage to grab one of our long poles and lift it high enough to poke a hole into the roof of this snow cave as he instructed me to do. I must breathe for both him and me. I drop the long pole back down the tunnel, but I keep it within reach.
Am...am I only prolonging Eric's suffering? His face is still twisted with agony. This power—this evil—to control the ebb and flow of life causes extreme pain to the one wielding it and to the one who falls victim to it. I stole that poor dwarf's sight, which hurt him dearly, though that didn't hurt me. No, it only hurt me when I carved into my heart and gave half of my years to him. Then, it hurt dearly when I carved three years from my heart and gave them to the barren, dying field. Even now, I am cutting away bits and pieces of my heart to sustain Eric, which hurts more than anything I have ever felt. So, only when I cut into my heart does it hurt dearly.
This evil can only heal living flesh. It cannot revive what has already died. I could never mend Eric's stab wound nor revive his flesh that has turned necrotic. The longer I keep him alive, the more the death will spread through his body...the more likely that all this is in vain. That shakes me to my core. This whole fight, all this pain—is all this suffering pointless?
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Gradually, the pain crushing my chest lessens. My blood doesn't burn me as much. My throat doesn't feel like somebody is forcing me to down scalding water. It still hurts like hell, but it grows far more tolerable as the night wanes. Eric's face is still contorted with just as much anguish. Why is this? Why does it not hurt me as much? Is this some sort of blessing from the Maker even though He is as removed from his creations as a creator can be? No, how can this be a blessing if God wants nothing to do with us? Perhaps it's just my body finally accepting the pain. Or perhaps I have grown used to it? Like I have grown used to living with the grief and guilt over Mama and Papa.
God, I don't know! Ravenna taught me much about this power of hers, but there is still much that she had kept from me. Still more that I am learning as this night wanes.
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I grab the long pole and repoke the two holes in the snow roof to allow fresh air in.
I have never been more happy to see the world slowly brighten with its dismal greys, even from inside this little snow cave. Day seventeen. Eric and I have made it through the night! I breathe out of my nose with relief, my jaw still locked shut. Sustaining Eric through the night has only cost me one night I was supposed to live. It's not as if I would have lived that night anyways, so it's not a sacrifice. It's just a...sensible reordering of life.
But now, if I sever the tie between my heart and Eric's, he will perish with his next breath. A horrible knot forms in my stomach. All I can do is infuse him with enough of my life to get him through this day until night comes again. From what I can see of his heart and the damage the poison has already wrought on his body, it will take one year of my life to sustain his own breathing for the day, which will allow his heart to keep beating with a steady rhythm. Though, he won't be able to walk, talk, or open his eyes. It will be as if he is trapped in a deep sleep...one from which he won't awaken unless I give him three more years of my life. I...I'm not sure I want to risk three years of my life already. Not for my sake, but for his. Even if I give him three years of my life, there's no telling how long he would be awake before the poison paralyzed him again. It could be for the entire day or it could be as short as one breath. I have only fourteen years left to live, so each year I give him just to keep him breathing will be one less day I have to get him to Vilgard...so the most time I have to get him to Vilgard is thirteen days. I need at least one year to reach Hammond's and try to free Greta! But I must save Eric as well. This world would suffer greatly if it lost Eric and Greta.
This is the reality I am faced with. I can—must work with it! I glance down at our skis and back at Eric. His face is still contorted with anguish. Suffering brought by my hand. A terrible pang runs my heart through. Is this all for naught? Am I only prolonging his suffering? Should I...should I have let him die last night? He would have slipped away with no pain. He is a good man. No doubt he would have gone to the same place Sara is. He would have been reunited with her, with his mother, and with anyone else he has lost. I denied him that happy reunion. I keep telling myself that this world would suffer greatly if it lost Eric, but is that true? Could this world be too far gone to be saved? Hell, not even saved, but simply ignore goodness and not seek to destroy it!? Eric said that evil is spreading across many lands now. Am I fighting a losing battle? No, a war? A war that I cannot possibly win.
A sob shakes me, my jaw still too tight to let it out. New tears burn my eyes as they escape down my cheeks. It will be hell trying to move Eric. I cannot lift him, but I think I can drag him. God, at least I think I can. Hell, the snow is so deep! I heard that snowstorm raging all night! Only the skis keep me afloat on the frozen white sea! I glance at our skis and back at Eric. His skis also keep him from sinking into the snow. He cannot ski when he cannot open his eyes! How will I move him!? Oh God, was this all in vain!? Is this all in vain!? Am I only prolonging his suffering? Even if I give him three years of my life, there's no telling how long he would be awake before the poison paralyzed him again. There's simply no telling. God, what was I thinking?
Despair comes over me and crushes me. There's no more hope of resurfacing, no more chances. I denied Eric a peaceful death. I delayed his happy reunion with Sara, his mother, and all those he has surely lost. Perhaps these are the greatest sins I have committed against him. Not the lies. Not the deception. No, it was denying him happiness. I...should I sever the tie and let him slip away with his next breath? Having Eric's life in my hand—God, why have you put this on me!? God...No, this is wrongly placed blame. I made the decision to make Eric endure the horrible pain that comes from my life being forced into his heart.
If I had a gracious bone in my body, I would let him go now. I would let him go and be reunited with his wife, his mother, and all those he has surely lost. If I have any splinter of a gracious bone in my body, I would pull my hand away. I would keep my promise to Eric, to leave him and try to get myself to Hammond's. He has given me his compass. He has taught me to ski and how to fish out of the ice. He has taught me how to find shelter even in the worst of winter. With a great amount of luck and sheer determination, I might be able to reach Hammond's now, whereas before I didn't have a chance. The right thing to do is to just let him go now...but even now with Eric relying upon me for his every breath, I still feel the space between Maacthis' evil and my heart. Even now, in his comatose state, he is holding Maacthis back, still giving me reprieve from the hell that is Maacthis' evil. How is he still fighting? Why is he still fighting!?
God, I...I remember when I nearly gave up. Sara came into my life then. She saved me. She gave me hope. She begged me to do her the one favor of returning her ring to her husband. Surely, there must have been a greater reason than to simply have her ring hang around his neck for one week! Surely! Sara didn't give up hope, even when faced with certain death. The day before Eric came into her life, she tried to drown herself in her bath water. Praise God that she grew too afraid to keep her head under the water. Coincidence or not that when she nearly gave up, she met Eric. Coincidence or not that when I nearly gave up, Sara came into my life. Coincidence or not, I'm not sure anymore. Before, I was so certain that all this was a bunch of fortunate accidents...but the pattern...I cannot deny the pattern. Here I am, so close to giving up now, so close to letting Eric go...if I let him go now, that will cost him his life.
Ye still could've jus' sat there...but ye chose to run. To free yerself...to try and save Greta. Eric's words from last night echo in my head. He is right. I could have just laid there and let Finn torture me. I could have just given up then and not fought back. I could have walked willingly with him to Ravenna and let her carve out my heart. I could have given up. I'm not sure why I fought back then. I just...reacted. Some would call that self preservation, but no, there's so much more to it than that. What more there could be than just a simple drive to survive, I'm not sure, but there is so much more. Eric would know the answer to that. And he can only answer that question if he survives this.
I cannot give up now! I must try to get him to Vilgard! I must try to my last breath! Damn me if I give up now! If I ever give up, damn me! Sara gave up more than just her ring to save me. It terrifies me to even think it, but even in her death, she sustained me with her frozen flesh through that brutal winter. She has given up so much for me just to get me to this point! Eric has not given up on me yet. He is still fighting Maacthis! It cannot end here. I will fight and struggle through the snow to my last breath. Even if it freezes me to death, I must try. I will not die doing nothing, nor will I die knowing that I left Eric to die in this hole!
But the question remains. How will he be able to ski when he cannot even open his eyes? I can give him a year of my life to keep him breathing for a day...but even that one year is not a guarantee to sustain him through this day. The damn poison is unpredictable. Sometimes, it seems far more aggressive in its attack on Eric's body. That's the only explanation I have for how wrong he was about the poison affecting him slowly...but damn it, to gamble three years of my life for the chance that he may open his eyes for the whole day or to only have them close again after one breath? That will be three days gone that I have to get him to Vilgard instead of at least a day. No, three years is too great of a gamble. My teary eyes dart between him and our skis, between our skis and him.
My eyes widen. My tears start drying as my shambled mind lights up and connects together. If I line up our skis side by side and somehow tie them together...my eyes go from our skis to Eric...maybe...I look at the skis again...maybe I'll be able to push him through the snow on some sort of sled. I will sink into the snow, but not like Eric would. I don't weigh much at all. I need something to keep Eric afloat on the snow. Something that will at least better protect him from frostbite.
It's daft. Maybe even impossible for an emaciated, feeble woman like me to push a bear-sized, comatose man through the snow, but I have to try something! If this doesn't work, then I will think of something else, but so far, this is the only idea I've got.
I suck in a deep, frigid breath, chilling the insides of my throat and lungs. I take up Maacthis' knife. With practiced hands, I select a fresh year from my heart and cut away quickly in two slices. I hiss from the stinging pain, but it doesn't hurt beyond that! Amazing! Why is that? Oh, that hardly matters now! I force my one year of life into Eric's heart. He gasps in a loud, sudden breath, startling me.
"Eric!?" I say, finally able to open my jaw some. I cradle his face with my left hand, unable to tear my eyes from him. Hope rises in me, hope that he will open his eyes...his eyes stay closed. My hope sinks. Despite my sunken hope, he is drawing his own breath now. His heart is beating its own steady rhythm. Praise God, my one year was enough to revive his chest and back muscles to allow him to breathe. He is as stable as can be for now. I must keep a close eye on him, though. This poison is very unpredictable.
I pull my hand out from under his face. Taking a steadying breath, I pull my right hand from his heart, severing the tie between me and him. I watch him carefully. He takes in one full, slow breath and lets it go. He draws in another full, slow breath and lets it go. His chest rises and falls, the air rushing in and out of his nostrils. God, such a lovely sound. The sound of breath. Of life! Breathing is life. Not a beating heart, but breathing. It takes breathing to make a heart beat.
I suck in another steadying breath and scoot to the edge of this snow shelf. Somehow, I must squeeze past Eric to dig my way out of our snow cave. Unless I try digging out through the ceiling? I look up at the hole that is allowing Eric and I to breathe. The dismal grey light of dawn comes in through the hole, barely giving any light to see, but I see how deep the snow is from here. A few feet of snow have been added from last night's storm. If I try to dig out through the roof, I will bring all that snow down on us. That would most likely kill us. I look down the narrow tunnel. My only way out is the entrance that Eric had covered up with snow, but there's no telling how much snow I will have to dig through to reach the surface. Hell, what choice do I have!? I must move now. Each moment I waste is one less moment Eric has to reach Vilgard.
I grab my gloves and push my hands into them. I need to keep my fingers long enough to get Eric to Vilgard. After that, I don't care if the cold claims them. I stick my head down the tunnel and start wiggling my body past Eric's breathing, but otherwise motionless bulk. It's a snug fit between the packed, chilled snow and his solid body. I wiggle like some worm left to the mercy of the baking sun and grab at Eric's leathers, pulling myself further down the tunnel headfirst. An ache persists in my right shoulder, spasming down my arm and up my neck with every move, but I remember the pain of when my shoulder was dislocated. This ache is nothing compared to that.
Damn it. I hope going headfirst down this tunnel wasn't the wrong idea. On the way down, I grab one of Eric's twin axes from its sheath to help me dig. I wiggle further, an uneasy feeling creeping into me. I'm trapped. The snow could collapse on me and bury Eric and me alive. I suck in a hard breath through pursed lips. Don't think about that, Snow.
After what seems an eternity, I finally reach the wall of snow blocking the way out of this deathtrap. I thrust the blade of his axe into the snow and pull aside a big frozen chunk. I thrust the axe into the snow again and pull aside another frozen chunk of white. Sharp pain shoots up and down my arm and neck with each thrust of his axe, but I keep digging. How I want to dig faster, but I recall Eric's harsh warning from last night. If I work myself too hard, then I will build up a sweat. That sweat will make me colder than I can bear. I try to pace myself and make sure to watch my breathing. I don't work so hard as to make myself pant, but I have to breathe through my mouth to take in sufficient air. Hopefully this is a good pace. I cannot dig any slower.
I dig and dig and dig, uncovering more and more snow. This is never ending! Will I ever reach the surface!? I start digging up. Perhaps the snow outside has buried our entrance? I dig and dig and dig, steadily going up. Dig. Dig. Dig. I grit my teeth against the pain shooting up and down my arm and neck. I thrust Eric's axe into the snow and pull aside a frozen white chunk. The grey light of day pours in through the small hole, letting in a bitterly cold draft that hits my face! I squeal with joy and dig furiously. I don't give a damn about pacing myself anymore! I don't give a damn about how cold it is! I need out of here! I dig like I've never dug before, pushing myself harder than I have ever pushed myself. My lungs burn. Endless fiery spasms course up and down my right arm in coming and going waves, but that is nothing compared to the pain of the knowledge that I was so close to letting Eric go.
More light pours in with each chunk of snow I dig aside. More and more light gathers until the hole is big enough for me to squeeze through! I throw Eric's axe outside and reach out of the hole, grabbing whatever snow I can curl my bound fingers into. I haul myself out of the snow cave, the frigid air hitting me like a big slap to the face. I gasp in a deep, desperate breath, my burning lungs crying out with relief. I feel as though I have surfaced from under the raging Gastean Sea! Perhaps in some ways I have. I pull the rest of myself out of the snow cave and fall back onto the snow with a crisp crunch. I stare up at the sky and sprawl my arms out. It's just as laden with grey clouds as it always is, not a speck of sunshine breaking through.
Before Ravenna took the throne, I loved to lay out in the snow and bask in the sun's warmth. It was chilly, but how I miss the contrast of the cold and the warmth. I miss wriggling around and stretching out in the snow so I could feel that pleasurable pull in my body and let the sun's heat soak into me.
Eric! I bolt upright and dive back into the snow cave. I look up at his back. He still lies against the tunnel. His head has not moved from his arms still folded on the snow shelf. God, he truly looks massive from down here at his feet. He is taller than any man I have ever seen. Truly, he's the son of a bear god. His back rises and falls with his own breathing. Thank God for that, though I doubt he hears me. I look at our skis propped in the corner of our snow cave. I can't waste anymore time than I already have.
I reach up the tunnel and grab the ends of our skis. I pull my head out of the snow cave, and then our skis. I toss our skis onto the snow and arrange them side by side. Alright, now that they're laid out side by side, how do I tie them together? I yank off my gloves, freeing my fingers, and pick up two ends of skis' leather straps. Perhaps I can somehow tie each ski together by these straps? It won't be the sturdiest of sleds, but this is all I have to work with. Also, when I get Eric's body onto this sled—somehow—then his weight alone should keep the skis from folding over themselves.
I sigh, my breath leaving me as a white cloud. I tie all the leather straps together in solid knots, and I knot those knots three times over. I clamber to my feet and look over my handiwork. It looks uncomfortable as hell. Four skis side by side with a big wad of knots in the middle, but it resembles some sort of sled. I sigh again, another white cloud leaving me. It must do. I have no other ideas.
Now, I must somehow pull Eric out of the snow cave and get him onto this sled. That's not going to be easy. Despite all the questions of how I am going to do this plaguing me, I delve back into the snow cave and look up at Eric. I could grab his ankles and try to pull him out, but his face will be dragging in the snow. Somehow, I must turn him over onto his back and drag him out that way. I'm probably the weakest person in all of Tabor, but I have to try. His life depends…on me.
I steel myself. I climb back up into the tunnel, barely any space between Eric's back and the frozen snow at my back. I pull his remaining axe from its sheath and toss it onto the snow shelf. It's too dangerous to try and drag him out on his back with his axes in their sheathes.
My heart aching, I embrace Eric from behind and rest my head on his back. I savor the steady rise of his back as he draws breath. "I'm sorry," I tell him, my voice hoarse. I'm not sure if he hears me or not, but I had to say it. I'm so sorry for my deception, my lies, my cowardice, the pain that I have put you through so far, and for all the pain that will come should I get you to Vilgard.
I pull back from him and press my back against the frozen snow of the tunnel. I draw in another deep, frigid breath, filling my chest with some much needed air. I steel myself once more, preparing my mind and body for the struggle to come. My body almost goes limp. I'll have to drag Eric's dead weight through the snow—no, think of what is at stake. Eric. A good heart that this world cannot afford to lose. Two sacrifices that Sara made just to get me to this point and to bring Eric back to the right path.
I grab Eric's shoulder with both hands and pull with all my strength. Sharp pain shoots down my right arm and up my neck. I cry out. He weighs like he is made of solid iron! He would break my bones if he fell on me! No matter how much it hurts, I keep pulling him, steadily lifting more of his chest off the snow.
I keep pulling back. My right elbow presses against the snow behind me. I spread my arms out, unable to do much else in this limited space. My arms shake terribly, begging me to let him fall back onto the snow. How much easier it would be to get myself out of here. To leave him here—No, how could I think that!? God, I pray I could never bring myself to abandon someone so readily. Eric suddenly grows much lighter as I manage to pull him back to the halfway point. I pull a bit more and his backside drops against the frozen snow, his head lulling back on the snow shelf.
I wince and reach up, taking his face in my hands. "I'm sorry," I whimper. Now comes the hard part. Dragging him out of here and onto the sorry excuse of a sled...however I will do that. I draw in a deep breath and slink back down the tunnel to his feet. There's no time to wonder how I will succeed. I grab his ankles and pull with all my might. Bit by bit, I manage to drag him down the tunnel as I scoot backwards towards the exit of this frozen grave. Sharp pain spasms up and down my neck and arm without end. I grit my teeth and keep wiggling backwards and pulling Eric out of here. Wiggle and pull. Wiggle and pull. I try to lift my head a few times, desperate for more space, but my head hits the top of the frozen tunnel every time.
Somehow, through the slow, torturous process of wiggling and pulling, I manage to pull him down the tunnel! I reach the upward slope of the tunnel. Eric suddenly grows ten times heavier! My body and heart threaten to give up now. No! This doesn't end here! Gathering what remaining strength I have, I scramble back out of this snow cave, dragging Eric with me.
The freezing wind hits me as I emerge from our snowy grave. I cry out and heave backwards with all I have left, dragging the last of Eric's massive body out of our grave! My fingers slip from his ankles. I collapse onto my rump, heaving for precious breath. Seeing him lying there in the snow in his comatose state, his chest rising and falling, the long white puffs flowing out of his nostrils...I fall prostrate in the snow and hide my face in my bare, frozen hands, unable to keep my tears at bay anymore. Tears of sadness. Tears of joy. Tears of gratitude. This struggle is far from over, but I have never felt freer than now. To not be trapped behind those rusty iron bars, nor be encased within the frozen snow, but to be out here in the fresh air no matter how freezing it is, I am free! Sure, we are fugitives. We are bound by time and coming death and this harsh winter, but in this moment, Eric and I are both free. And in this moment, I will fight for his life.
I scrub the tears from my face and scramble over to the makeshift sled, kicking up some of the frozen snow. I drag the sled over to him and line it up beside him. Now comes the next challenge—getting him onto the sled. It won't be easy nor graceful, but I must get him off the snow. I scrabble over to his other side, an idea forming in my head. If I can put something under him, something to help me drag him onto my makeshift sled, I can do this much more efficiently than struggling to roll him or drag him myself.
I tug off my coat. The winter instantly bites deeper into me. My layers barely do anything for me against the chill, but I can move to keep myself from freezing to death. Eric must be kept as warm as possible in his comatose state. I'm more than happy to give my coat up for him as he has done for me two times over. I roll up half of my coat and shove it under him as much as possible, huffing and grunting from the exertion. Damn, that's as good as I can get it from this side.
I dart over to his other side, shove the sled aside, and push against Eric's flank with my body, managing to lift his shoulder enough to prop his back on my injured shoulder. Intense, searing pain spasms down my arm and up the side of my neck, wringing a short cry from me. I grit my teeth against the pain, reach under him, and grab hold of my half-rolled coat. I yank hard and unfurl my coat out under his back. As carefully as I can, I lower myself to the snow to lower Eric close to the ground before I pull my shoulder out from under him. I cradle the back of his head in my left hand and ease my shoulder out from under his back, dropping his heavy shoulder on the snow. I spare his head from the impact with my hand, my knuckles absorbing the shock. I wince from the crushing pain in my knuckles, but I drag the sled over and place it beside him again. I climb over the other side of the sled, reach over it, and grab two handfuls of my coat. With all my strength, I heave backwards, somehow managing to drag a quarter of my coat onto the sled. I grit my teeth, tighten my fingers about the oxen hide of my coat, and heave back again with a loud grunt, managing to drag half of Eric onto the sled. I flex my aching fingers about my oxen coat and heave, dragging more of Eric onto the sled. One more heave, Snow. One more! I flex my aching, frozen fingers for what I pray to be the last time. One more heave! I draw in a deep breath, tighten all my muscles, and heave back once more with a loud cry.
My trembling, aching fingers slip from my oxen coat, and I fall back onto my rump. I look over Eric's body and let the last of my breath go with immense relief. His head and torso are fully on my crude sled. Only his legs need to be dragged over, but that should be easy compared to the hell of moving him.
I spring to my feet and dive back into the snow cave. How I would love to lie down and rest now after all this, but I can't. I clamber up the tunnel and roll up his coat, his axe, and my deer pelt in a bundle. I wriggle back down the tunnel, grab the three straps of our packs along the way, and crawl backwards out of the snow cave. I scramble around in the snow and clamber through it to Eric, scooping up his other axe along the way. I drop to my knees at his side, snow crunching beneath me. I unroll Eric's coat, dropping his axe, our packs, and my deer pelt on the snow.
My eyes drift to his face as I gingerly spread his coat over him and tuck it securely about his chin and body. His closed eyes, his face, the long streams of smoke escaping his nostrils—I've never seen him so relaxed. His wrinkles of thirty-seven years are almost invisible. He looks so much younger. So strong, yet so gentle. So handsome. So free of pain.
"I'm sorry." That's the third time I've uttered that to him. Whether he hears me or not, I'm not sure, but that is of no consequence now. I tear my eyes from him and scour the snow for my gloves. I find them and pull them on. I grab the straps of our packs, sling them over my head and left arm, and grab my deer pelt off the snow. I fling the deer pelt over my shoulders. I need something to shield me against the cold.
Almost there. I push myself to my feet and stoop to pick up his heavy legs, putting an aching strain in my back and that terrible spasming pain in my right arm and neck again. I groan from the pain as I push his heavy legs onto the sled, bending his knees almost to his chest. I let go of his legs with a huff and straighten, easing the ache in my back. I'm not sure how I got this far, but this is far from over yet. Too far from over to stop now, if even for a moment. I scoop up his axes and slip their hafts into my belt, the blades heavy on my hips. I trudge through the snow around the sled and stop at Eric's head. Now comes the difficult task of having to move him all the way to Vilgard...by pushing the sled.
I drop to all fours, grip two edges of the sled, and push forward with all my strength. The crude sled glides across the snow with ease considering the heavy load on it. I drag my knees forward in the snow and push the sled forward. I bring one foot under me, pressing my thigh into my belly and chest, and push forward with a cry. Pain spasms through my right shoulder, but I bring my next foot under me and push off my thigh, pushing Eric and the sled farther down the valley. Back the way we came.
I repeat the motion, bringing my foot under me and pushing off my thigh to move Eric and the sled forward. I sink a bit each time into the frozen sea, the thin ice crunching beneath my weight with every movement. A persistent, aching soreness plagues every muscle I have. The spasming pain coursing up and down my right arm intensifies with every push I give the sled. I clench my jaw and focus only on the narrow valley ahead. A small worry nags at the back of my mind. I don't know the way to Vilgard, but surely I can follow the valley from above once I get Eric out of here. If I follow the valley, I will stumble upon Vilgard. I will. I must.
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I keep pushing Eric down the valley, my eyes darting left and right. Both sides of this valley look like mirror images with their towering, white walls trimmed with skeletal trees. I watch both sides of me closely as I push onward, waiting for either of the valley walls to grow short enough to let me push Eric out of here. I swallow, part of me not wanting to look down at Eric and live in the bliss that he is still breathing without seeing it. I suck in a deep breath and glance down at him. His coat rises and falls where his chest is. White smoke puffs from his nostrils. Relief washes over me, but it leaves me with my escaping breath. I tear my eyes from Eric and watch both sides of the valley closely, praying to whoever will hear me for escape out of this valley soon!
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I can't feel my feet. I haven't felt them for a while now. My chest constricts. My breathing grows more labored, my lungs growing more desperate for air. The valley ahead disappears from my sight. All I see is her arm bone braced against the chilled, black stone floor. I steady her arm bone with my right hand and raise the rock in my other hand high above my head. Revulsion stirs in my gut. My ribs grow so weak on my strangled heart that they threaten to cave in. Tears sear my eyes. What I'm about to do...this is worse than what I have already done. No man could do this to another. No man. Only a demon could do this. A demon driven mad, tortured by being starved and freezed. This is what I have become. A demon twisted beyond recognition.
The unbearable pangs in my stomach drive my arm down, bringing the rock hard upon her fragile bone. Crack. A chill courses down my spine, shaking me to my core. I drop the rock on the stone floor with a loud clatter. Like a ravenous beast, I tear apart the splintered bone, revealing more and more of that precious, frozen yellow marrow. I barely notice the fresh crimson spotting the marrow as I peel the last bone shard off the marrow and put the end of the marrow into my mouth. As I eat only to stave off the pain of hunger, my numb feet become more pronounced. Deep down, I know part of me has been frozen to death. It's the price that I must pay to stay alive. To survive. For Sara. This immense sacrifice of hers cannot be in vain...but the price, all it is costing to keep me alive, the barbarity of what I must do to her remains—I crumble apart, weeping bitterly into my hands, trembling from this bitter cold and fear of myself.
I yank my face out of my hands. My cell—it's gone! Where did it go!? All I can see is snow and heavy grey clouds looming over me. I look about, my heart pounding, my mind scrambling to take in everything about me. I'm deep in some sort of narrow, snowy valley, the frozen white walls so tall and so steep on either side of me that there is no prayer of climbing out. Both valley walls are crowned with many skeletal trees. The skeletal trees—so much like Sara's splintered bones.
Wait. Something is missing. I scramble about, my eyes stilling on him!
"ERIC!?" My heart leaps into my throat. I scramble through the snow to him. Reality floods into me like a breath of life. There he lies on the sorry excuse of a sled that I had tied together from our skis, his coat draped over him, his eyes screwed shut with sleep. I remember now. The incendium poison slowly killing him, the comatose state he is trapped in, the year of my life that I had infused into him to keep him breathing. My mission to get him to Vilgard.
I scramble about the sled to Eric's head, find two spots to grab hold of the bound skis, and I push him along. I've had terror-filled memories of the past surface like this before, but none that have made me forget myself to this degree! At least Eric is trapped in his sleep and did not witness my breakdown. But that all-to-familiar twisted look on his face, that look of distress...he heard me weeping. A chill courses down my already chilled spine. The hating ones, the demons, Maacthis—they were all men once. Men and women. Those who gave into their evil inclinations.
I understand now how Ravenna could have lost herself and let the evil consume her. She did what she thought she had to do. Out of desperation. Out of the need to survive, not just for her own self-preservation, but perhaps to save her brother. God only knows who else she is trying to save. Sometimes lines must be crossed to survive, to save those you love, but what is that final line that separates good from evil? At what point did she go beyond redemption?
I feel it deep inside me now more than ever. With the space between Maacthis' evil and me, I have clearer sight of my evil. There's no denying that what is keeping Eric alive now is evil. The lessened pain I felt throughout the night—that is just like a sin that is being committed over and over. One feels the sting of their wrongdoing at first, but after repeating that same wrongdoing over and over, eventually that sting fades until that person is numb to it. Sometimes, that sad soul may even grow to enjoy their wrongdoing. If Eric knew that I am selfishly keeping him alive with evil...that alone would make him hate me. Perhaps even kill me. He is the very embodiment of goodness, a ward against evil, and I am the embodiment of evil.
What I did to Sara's corpse...it's wrong. No matter how I paint it up, it would have been better in many people's eyes to have let myself die...Perhaps it would have been better if I had let myself die. By God though, here I am now, my feet sinking into the snow with every push of the sled to save Eric! I must continue wielding this evil to sustain him until we reach Vilgard. If I don't, he will die, and all this will have been in vain. From Sara's death to this moment, everything will have been in vain.
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Before I know it, the grey clouds are darkening. My roaming eyes stop on the most beautiful sight I have seen in my whole life. There is an opening in the valley wall to my left! A way out of here! My heart soars, a grateful smile lightening my panting mouth. I change the sled's course with each push until I am lined up with the gaping pass that almost splits the valley wall in two. If I can get out of here and find shelter before night consumes everything, then I can devote another sleepless night in relative safety to sustain Eric.
I push the sled as fast as I can into the pass. I push and push, the slope steadily growing steeper. I drag my numb, frozen feet like they are lumps of stone. No, don't think of your frozen feet. That will only resurrect those sinister memories. The farther I go up the slope, the steeper it grows and the heavier Eric and the sled become. Darkness is fast approaching, swallowing up more precious light. I push with all my strength up the hill, letting out every cry of pain that wracks my sore, breaking body. If I make it out of this death valley before night falls, I will have two rewards. Eric and rest. Little rest it will be as I must sustain him through the coming night without giving into the temptation to sleep, but to just lie down and not have to push and put my shoulder through all this pain! Such sweet rewards they will be!
Just as the last light is stolen away, the ground evens out beneath me. Eric and the sled grow lighter. My body cries with relief. I push the sled a bit farther for good measure and abandon my right glove somewhere in the snow.
Pitch black. I cannot see my hands. Nothing. Bone chilling cold nips at my exposed skin. I grope the darkness for Eric, finding his chest in the darkness...his still chest! "Eric!" I climb onto him. Tears burn my eyes and scald the back of my throat and nose. I yank back his coat and reach into the darkness, searching for his heart. A single, agonal gasp fills the darkness. His gasp! I find his heart beating erratically, racing too fast to count. I take his failing heart into my hand, take Maacthis' knife and cut off a small sliver of my heart. A sharp sting fills my chest, making me hiss. Warmth spills out of my heart and floods my chest. That warmth must be my blood.
As last night, I slowly force my life into Eric's heart, one breath at a time. The rise and fall of his chest, the steady rhythm returning to his heart, the sound of air rushing into and out of his lungs—that was too close. I cannot afford to wait so long to tether his heart to mine again. He was two breaths away from perishing!
An icy wind blows with a whistle, biting deep into my already frozen skin. I become aware of the chattering and grinding of my teeth and the ache in my jaw. Keeping his heart in my hand, I pull his coat back enough to slip beneath it. I stretch out my frail, frozen body over him and pull his coat over us both, shielding us from this winter's merciless assault. Silently, I pray to whoever will hear me. Please, no blizzards. No storms. Not this night. We cannot afford to be buried tonight under feet of snow.