It's My Life
Five days had passed since the small chat between Harry and Severus; it was weird but Harry honestly felt like he could go to and confide in Severus for anything. The man was his guardian and had basically given off a fatherly vibe ever since the situation where Albus was trying to control Harry. Of course, Harry didn't mind that at all. Harry was spending most of his time trying to keep his mind clear and protected. It was an exercise with Severus, he'd try to penetrate Harry's mind at random throughout the day to ensure that there were no holes and weak spots that could let anyone with Legilimency break through.
So far, Harry had been doing really good and was learning to keep the shields up while doing other tasks but not focusing on the barriers themselves. Arthur Weasley was doing well and home now. It was Christmas day! Harry had just been minding his own while Severus brewed in the lab the last few days. Occasionally, Harry would help him just for something to do; he could only read so much and he didn't have any homework during the Christmas or Easter holidays.
Harry had been heavily into reading books on defensive magic; Severus had brought them over from his place on Spinner's End for Harry to read since he took such an interest in defensive spells, this included protection spells. Harry also read up on dark magic, but only for the sake of knowing what he'd be up against and Harry promised Severus he would never use them unless it was absolutely, life or death, necessary. Severus accepted the vow from Harry and gave him the books to read.
Right now, it was about 8:00 am when Harry had woken up about an hour ago, got himself showered and dressed to meet Severus downstairs for breakfast.
"Good morning, Harry. Merry Christmas." Severus greeted.
"Morning. Merry Christmas," Harry took his seat.
"Remus and Sirius should be here by 9:00 am," Severus informed.
"Alright." Harry nodded. "And thank you for taking me into Diagon Alley the other day, so I could get my gifts for everyone. And all the books too, I can't believe the amount of defensive spells and protections there are. It pales in comparison to what we learn at school. Well, that's not much of anything this year…" He commented.
"You showed a particular interest in defensive magic, and if you should go with the idea to become a defensive magic teacher; I do not desire to limit your knowledge base." Severus informed. "And you are welcome. I had to go there to check in with my rare ingredients contact."
"Huh, cool." Harry started on his breakfast while Severus read the paper.
"How did you sleep?" Severus inquired.
"Same as always. It's either hard to fall asleep or asleep then up and can't go back to sleep." Harry shrugged.
"I can brew you the sleeping potions, Harry…" Severus reminded.
"I know…But I can't rely on them, Severus. My inability to have decent sleep comes from years of suffering by my muggle relatives and the traumas since coming to Hogwarts." Harry told him. "I'll be fine. The only way I'm ever going to correct it is by working through the stuff I've been through. Healing and coping, I guess. It's just gonna take time, but I'm trying." He reassured.
"Well, as admiral as that is, Harry, and true that you can't rely on them…They are there to be used while you heal. You can't very well recover from everything you've suffered if you're allowing yourself to stick to old habits that came about during those awful times. Sleep is required to give the body time to recuperate from the day's activities, and not getting enough sleep is part of healthy living, as is eating. It's why I stressed both items to you when I became your guardian." Severus informed.
"And do not forget that I can alter the potions accordingly to work for you. Perhaps down the dosage or potency to just help you get to sleep and remain such for a set amount of time. Nothing too deep or light. And it's not like you use it every night, Harry." He added. "You said sometimes you have trouble, not all. If it were an all the time usage, I'd be concerned. But I'm not, so you're fine. Trust me, my boy…Take the assistance."
Harry nodded to him. "Okay." It was silent a moment. "Hey, Severus?"
"Yes, Harry?" Severus replied.
"Can you not call me my boy again? Dumbledore always calls me that and just the thought of him aggravates me to no end these days…" Harry asked.
"Sure, Harry," Severus chuckled some.
Harry went back to eating his breakfast. When both of them were done around 8:30 am, Harry made sure all his things were ready to take to the Malfoy's and Grimmauld Place later on; he couldn't wait to be able to give his gifts. They weren't anything major, but a little something here and there to let the people he was close to know that they meant something to him as his friends or family. At 9:00 am, the floo came to life as Sirius and Remus came through. Harry hugged Sirius and Remus then the four of them sat in the main room to exchange gifts, then chat a bit.
Harry had got Remus and Sirius the same gift, but one for each of them; it was a drawn picture of them with his father, arms over each other's shoulders and smiling. It was drawn in the image of if his father had survived and three of the Marauders were still together. It moved both males incredibly, especially because below their figure were their animagus forms and above was the fancy title of The Marauders. And Harry got Severus some potions stuff; he knew Severus probably had plenty, but he didn't know what else to get him. Of course, Harry had more gifts for them, but he'd wait until later on to exchange at other houses too.
. . .
Around 11:30 am; Harry and Severus went along to the Malfoy's home, while Sirius and Remus tagged along at Narcissa's insistence.
"Harry!" Draco greeted first. "Merry Christmas!"
"You know, I'm still getting used to you being my friend, that we're in the same house, and you get so excited to see me, Draco…" Harry remarked. "Merry Christmas," He smiled. "One to you both as well, Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy."
"Oh, none of that formality, Harry. Call me Narcissa, please?" Narcissa informed as she hugged Harry and kissed his forehead. "Happy Christmas, sweetheart."
"You may call me Lucius," Lucius stated. "Severus, Sirius, Remus…"
"Lucius," Severus replied. "I trust your Christmas has been well thus far, old friend?"
"Satisfactory," Lucius responded, shaking Severus's hand. "How about yours and Harry's?"
"Enjoyable." Severus nodded.
"Alright, come now. Time for presents!" Narcissa led everyone into the family room of the manor.
Once everyone had found a seat, Narcissa sent the presents to others whom they were for. Severus gave out presents to Lucius, Narcissa, and Draco and Harry did the same. As Draco and Harry were going to tear into their gifts, Shadow, Harry's second owl arrived with items in a small pouch and landed right on his shoulder.
"Hey there, Shadow. I take it you ran into Hedwig who gave you these?" Harry inquired. The bird chirped and nuzzled his face before releasing the pouch into his hand. Harry opened his side bag and pulled out a couple treats for Shadow, then stroked under his neck. Shadow happily flew off towards the Malfoy's owlery. Harry opened the envelope first and pulled out a small square card.
"Who are they from?" Draco asked.
"The Weasley's," Harry replied. "Harry. Merry Christmas to you. Dumbledore never let us know if you'd be able to come for Christmas, so we're hoping these find you at the Dursley's. They'll unshrink when you pull them out of the enchanted pouch. We included the gifts for your new friend, Draco, and Severus, Sirius, and Remus too. The kids feel you'll see them before we do. And if we just haven't been told with all the madness that you'll be coming, hope to see you for our annual Christmas Feast. With love, your second family, The Weasley's and Hermione."
"That was sweet of them to send your gifts in the event you might not be there." Narcissa stated.
"It was, but Dumbledore doesn't control me and as far as he'll think…I'll still be at the Dursley's while I asked Sirius to show up and secretly take me over." Harry stated.
"I got your back, godson." Sirius grinned.
"As do I, unofficial nephew," Remus nodded.
Harry opened the pouch and let the few presents fall out into his lap, as told; they quickly unshrunk to normal size. Harry sorted through the square packages and passed them to who they were for.
"I didn't think they'd get me anything…" Draco blinked.
"Me neither," Severus stared.
"Bet you anything it's the Christmas sweater with the first letter of your name on it," Harry chuckled. "Mrs. Weasley is quite the knitter and she makes one for everyone close to her family, or close to those she considers family. Ron probably told her that I get along pretty well with you two at school, so she wanted to make you feel included." Harry informed as he lightly opened his up to reveal a glorious Slytherin green knitted sweater with a large silver H on the front. "See?" Harry showed them. "Mine, up until this year, were all red with gold, Gryffindor colors. You don't have to wear them, though. I only wear it to the dinner. Mrs. Weasley takes a family photo…"
Draco opened his to find the same colors as Harry, except with a D on it. And Severus the same, but with an S. Sirius and Remus had red and gold, with S for Sirius and then R for Remus. "Lovely of them to think of others in Harry's life," Narcissa smiled. "I should take a picture of you three in yours to send to her!"
"Mother…" Draco said quickly.
"Never mind, Dragon…" Narcissa wagged her finger. "Mrs. Weasley was kind enough to think of you and Severus as part of Harry's life. You will wear both wear it long enough with Harry so I can get a photo and send it to-Oh dear, I've forgotten her name…"
"Molly," Harry supplied.
"Yes, thank you." Narcissa nodded.
"How is Arthur, Harry?" Lucius inquired.
"Better, he's home now. They were finally able to stop the bleeding a couple days back and now he's just regaining his strength and taking it easy." Harry replied.
"Good to hear. The ministry was in an uproar about the attack," Lucius sighed. "Good work on your part to see what was happening, Harry."
"Thank you, sir," Harry responded. "I don't like being connected to his mind, but as long as he doesn't know I see it…I suppose it had its perks." He shrugged.
"Just be careful with that Harry…" Remus informed.
"I know, Uncle Remus. Severus has been helping me shield my mind, just so Voldemort can't get in." Harry informed.
"Occlumency?" Sirius asked.
"That's right, Black," Severus informed.
"At least you're learning from a master," Sirius commented.
"Indeed," Severus stated.
"Alright, come on…It's Christmas, no snide comments. I know you two have history from your student days, but you're not anymore…Play nice." Narcissa ordered.
"Yes, Narcissa," Severus nodded.
"Of course, Cissy," Sirius replied.
"And here I thought only Bellatrix called me that," Narcissa sat back.
"We are family at the end of the day." Sirius relaxed. "Last living Black family member as you've all married off. I still descend from Walburga and Orion Black." He added. "Currently standing as Lord Black, only one eligible to take it."
"Assumed you would as Regulus is gone…" Narcissa nodded to him. "Now, let the boys open their gifts. Go on you two," She insisted.
Harry and Draco both opened their presents, a wide variety of things. Draco got some potion things from Severus, and his own parents, as well as clothes. Draco got a dragon statue that glowed a silvery-blue like his patronus from Harry, and his line of hygiene products. Draco certainly didn't expect it, but was grateful. Harry also got him a snake pendant wrapped around a sword with one green gem on the sword's handle. Draco had been admiring it in the store when they did their school shopping, and knew his friend would like it.
Harry hadn't been sure what to get Lucius and Narcissa, but settled on a gift certificate to a fancy restaurant that Narcissa and Lucius had mentioned liking, or having gone the night Lucius proposed. Harry thought it's be nice to give them something to go out to eat one time, obviously Draco could come to Potter Manor while they had a date night. Narcissa got Harry more clothes and Lucius had graciously given Harry some books from the Malfoy library on the topics Severus obviously mentioned to the man that Harry was into studying right now. Harry also got some little goodies from Hermione and Ron too.
"Oh, I have something else for you, Professor," Harry pulled a smaller box from his bag and gave it to the man.
"I told you this morning that you didn't have to spend money on me, Harry…The potion items were more than enough." Severus stated.
"I know, but this one is something I think you'll like more." Harry told him.
Severus opened the gift box and laid eyes on a small silver pendant with a picture of Lily Potter on it. The other side of the charm said My Best Friend then beneath that, Always & Forever. Severus stared at the object then looked to Harry, surprise clearly written on his face.
"I figured you could add it to a necklace or something…" Harry shrugged, but was hinting at Severus's bracelet. "I know you two had a falling out, but all the times you've spoken of my mom; you still consider her your best friend. I'm sure she felt the same and forgave you. I…Thought you'd maybe like something other than your memories to look at and remember her." Severus was quiet, still in what seemed like shock. "I-I have one too. Just with Always and Forever on it, a memoir to the sacrifice she gave out of love for me." Harry pulled his necklace out and there the same pendant sat. "I didn't mean to upset you, Professor."
"You…Didn't, Harry. I'm just surprised you'd gift me something like this…Your mother never forgave me for what I said." Severus informed.
Harry smiled some. "She did, Severus. I know it was never said, but like you told me earlier this morning…Trust me, she forgave you. I know I look like my dad, but I have my mom's eyes and aside a few little aspects of getting into trouble…I'm more my mom than anything. Her…Kind nature. You were an arse to me for years, and I forgave you. So I know that even though you called her that name in a moment of frustration because of my father, my godfather, and likely Pettigrew…Because I don't see Remus being that way and you've never talked bad about him; I know she still forgave you."
Severus stayed quiet still, looking at the charm of his former love and friend. "Harry, I don't have the words for this…But I don't think she forgave me. What I did was unforgivable."
"If Hermione can forgive Draco for calling her the same thing, and the two of them can get along…I'm sure my mom forgave you for a slip of the tongue when you were literally being bullied." Harry insisted.
"No…Harry, I did far worse than call her such a foul name." Severus sighed.
"What else could have been so bad?" Harry pushed.
"I didn't intend to get so serious on the holiday, but it's unfair to keep this from you any longer…" Severus sighed.
"I think we should give them a moment." Lucius stated as he stood up and Narcissa followed. Draco did the same, then they basically had to drag Sirius out with Remus's help.
"Harry, there's something I need to reveal to you and I can only hope you don't hate me afterwards. If you do, I will understand and I won't be upset or angry about how you react." Severus said. He had to tell Harry, he had the right to know.
"Okay…" Harry looked at him.
"The dark path I took after losing your mother's friendship was becoming a death eater. I was in Voldemort's inner circle, Harry. I bore the dark mark on my arm and I still have it to act as a spy for Dumbledore. But Harry…When I worked for the dark lord, I caught word of a prophecy about someone having the power to destroy Voldemort and…I went to Voldemort with it." Severus began as Harry stared at him, waiting for him to continue. "At the time, your mother was still pregnant with you and also…Alice Longbottom was pregnant too and we didn't know what the prophecy meant." Severus revealed.
"Still, I feared for your mother's life and I begged the dark lord, on my knees, to spare her. He said he would, but I didn't trust him…So I went to Dumbledore. He could have killed me right away, but I pleaded that he didn't. Dumbledore told me the prophecy did not speak of a woman, but a boy born at the end of July. I said that Voldemort believed it was Lily's son. You, Harry. I begged Dumbledore to hide your mother, hide your whole family and he asked me what I would give him in exchange to which I replied…Anything."
"And that's when my parents went into hiding? Making Pettigrew the secret keeper?" Harry asked.
"Yes." Severus replied.
"And you changed loyalties to Dumbledore, becoming his spy?" Harry didn't look at him now.
"Yes," Severus said. "Harry, Voldemort kept his word; he asked your mother three times to stand aside and let him kill you. He told her that she would be spared if she handed you over to him. Your mother refused, so when he shoved her aside to cast the killing curse on you in your crib; Lily got right back up and put herself between you two and the curse rebounded because of her love for you." Harry didn't say anything.
"I was there the night they died, I was there even before Sirius arrived. All I could do was hold your mother's body and cry. You were there in your crib crying too. It was when I heard Sirius's bike that I made the promise to your parents, and you that I'd always be there to protect you. Harry, you will never know how sorry I am. Truly. Voldemort going after your parents and you is…My fault. Peter might have given them up to Voldemort, but he was looking for them because of me telling him something I shouldn't have."
"You dirty, lying, traitorous-I'll bloody kill you myself!" Sirius burst into the room, though Lucius and Remus were trying to keep him back. "It's your damn fault that bastard targeted Harry!" Severus turned his head, closing his eyes. "Two of my best friends are dead because of you! And you think I'm letting you keep guardianship over my-,"
"Sirius Orion Black!" Harry yelled as Sirius went quiet. "Sit down and be quiet."
"But pup…" Sirius started.
"This was between Severus and I, not you. Butt out." Harry gave him the warning eyes.
"Yes, Harry…" Sirius nodded.
"Did you seriously just take a command from a teenager? No offense Harry." Draco blinked.
"Sirius knows not to press the matter once he's been given the eyes." Remus chuckled. "It's been often said Harry has his mother's eyes and when Lily gave us that look, she was good for a scolding we wouldn't soon forget. Never push the situation once the eyes have been given. The temper of that woman was fierce."
"Indeed it was…" Sirius mumbled.
Harry turned his attention back to his guardian now. "Severus…"
"He's right, Harry. I dare not even ask your forgive-," Severus started.
"Now you sound like Sirius, shush and listen to me. You don't need to ask, Severus." Harry stated. Severus stared at the fifteen-year-old in shock. "You already have it."
"But I-," Severus started.
"Enough now," Harry said with a hand up. "It wasn't your fault, Severus," He informed. "Voldemort is a dark wizard on a power high. He would have killed anyone who stood in his way during the first war up until the night he tried to kill me. Even if you hadn't said anything, my parents would have fought and died. Sirius could have fought and died. Remus could have fought and died. Any of the people still alive now who are ready to jump into the second war with him could have died the first time. If you hadn't, someone else could have heard and told him and we'd still be right here." The boy revealed gently.
"Things went the way they did, and that does suck immensely…But it doesn't change anything that could have happened. Without that sacrifice, my parents would still have fought and then mom wouldn't have been there to protect me, and her love was what made the curse rebound. My father died to give mom more time; he died for us. And mom died to protect me. She is the reason I am the boy who lived, Severus. They both are."
There was a minor pause so Harry could let the sink in.
"What you did was ensure that the prophecy comes true that the boy who was born at the end of July has the power to destroy the dark lord. So you are another reason that I am who I am. That I am alive." Harry relaxed as Severus's eyes widened. "You've nothing to apologize for and there is nothing to forgive. I know you loved my mom enough to beg the dark lord to spare her and enough to risk your life by changing sides to save her, my father, and myself. I could never hate you for the sacrifices you have made to also ensure I am safe. I don't hate you and I don't blame you." Harry looked at him.
"Yes, you made bad choices and you made mistakes…But we all do that. All you do is move on and learn from your past. Stop beating yourself up…You were just a boy, probably a little older than myself, and the moment you realized what you'd done; you took steps to fix it the best way that could be done. You made a promise to them in their deaths to always protect me like you couldn't for them and you have kept that promise. You've more than redeemed yourself."
"Harry…" Severus said softly.
"The one to blame is Voldemort; he caused everything. He set everything in motion by going on his tirade for power. You were just a boy who made a bad choice and did what your master wanted you to do. It is HIS fault. And trust me when I say that I will use the sacrifices made to send that bloody bastard straight to hell. I will stop him…I will destroy him. I make that promise to the people in my life I care for. Severus, it was not your fault. You were just one part in a very large plan concocted by Lord Pain In Everyone's Ass. I will free this world from his tyranny if it's the last thing I do. I swear it." Harry put his hand over Severus's, surprising the male. "The only thing you still need to do is stop blaming yourself. You need to forgive yourself, Sev. Please? If you want to make something up to me, forgive yourself."
Sirius was going to say something, but Remus put a hand over his mouth and shook his head. "Y-You truly forgive me?" Severus asked him.
"I do." Harry nodded. "So does mom, and dad too." Harry smiled and gave the man a light hug. "Forgive yourself now."
"I…Forgive myself for what happened." Severus said.
"Good," Harry let go. "Then let's get back to celebrating the holiday, shall we?"
"Right then," Severus nodded. "Thank you, Harry…"
"You're welcome, Sev," Harry smiled. "And not a word from you, Sirius…Am I clear?"
"Crystal, Harry…" Sirius sighed.
"Good. Back to enjoying the holidays with family and friends!" Harry called out.
The first thing Severus did was pull back his sleeve and add the pendent to his bracelet. "I keep my vow with this, Harry, to your parents and you. No harm will ever befall you as long as I'm around."
"You've always been around, Severus…I've known since the end of first year that you were not my enemy, and there was a reason besides potions that you're in my life. I accepted that, which is why I've never hated you." Harry informed. "Thank you for always keeping me safe."
"Always." Severus promised.
"Always," Harry nodded.