One Piece: Strawhat Theater
"Our Mrs. Monkey"
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.
A few days after Fishmen Island... On the Thousand Sunny...
Luffy was playing with Ace-chan on the deck lawn. He made a swing with his arms and let her swing back and forth. She laughed happily, kicking her legs as she held on.
"Higher! Higher!"
"Okay, here we go!" Luffy laughed. He stretched his legs up and swung Ace out higher, higher...!
"WHEE! WHEEEEE!"
"Oh! Can I go next? Can I?" Chopper asked. Luffy laughed and nodded.
"Sure!"
"OH CRAP!"
Nami's scream hit everyone on the ship as though she had unleashed Conqueror's Haki. Luffy, startled, dropped Ace but managed to catch her. She still cried, but Luffy held her and ran up to the quarter deck with the rest of the crew. Nami was holding a newspaper, gaping at it in shock and horror.
Luffy immediately went Gear Two and scanned around with his Observation Haki for any threats.
"Nami! What is it?!" Luffy shouted.
"What is it, Nami?" Brook cried. "What's wrong?!"
"What did you read in the newspaper?" Chopper asked urgently.
"Has something happened to someone we know?" Robin asked, calm but only just.
Nami growled, and turned the newspaper around. She held up a wanted poster. Ace-chan's smiling face beamed out on the poster.
MONKEY D. ACENATH
"STRAWHAT PRINCESS"
ALIVE ONLY
50,000,000 BERRI
"Oh WOW!" Luffy laughed. "Ace-chan! You got your first bounty! It's even higher than my first bounty! I'M SO PROUD!"
"NO YOU IDIOT!" Usopp shouted as Luffy, "THIS MEANS THE WORLD GOVERNMENT KNOWS ABOUT ACE! THEY ALL DO!"
"That was going to happen the moment we took her along," Zoro stated, "You should have been prepared for that."
"Aw, she beat me," Robin chuckled, hugging Ace as well, "First bounty at 2 years old? And so much!"
"HOW DOES SHE HAVE A HIGHER BOUNTY THAN ME?!" Chopper cried miserably. Ace, seeing his distress, hugged him tightly.
"Aw, Kitty!"
"I'M NOT A KITTY!"
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M UPSET ABOUT!" Nami shouted. She held out the wanted poster to her daughter and sighed. "I knew that was coming. I made peace with it."
"I'm... Not sure if that makes you a good mother or a bad mother," Usopp commented.
"HOW DARE YOU IMPUGNE NAMI-SWAN'S MATERNAL INSTINCTS!" Sanji bellowed.
"To be fair, there's nowhere else that would be safer for her," Robin chuckled.
"THE POINT IS!" Nami shouted, holding out the newspaper, "THAT JACKASS JIMMY SCOOPS TWISTED THE INTERVIEW I GAVE HIM!"
"Wait, that's what you were doing with him?" Luffy asked, frowning.
"Yes Luffy, I was trying to put a good spin on our adventure on Fishmen Island," Nami said urgently. "But just listen to what he wrote! Ahem..."
"Monkey D. Luffy is a diabolical mastermind who fights like an insane crackhead. This man has pretended to be an utter imbecile just to trick people into joining his pirate crew, because there's no way there is a man this truly stupid and lucky. He even seduced a broken-down Nami from Cocoyashi Village. This poor woman labored as a slave under the Arlong Pirates for years to try and buy back her village, having to turn to thieving. When Arlong betrayed her, she was left with nothing. This is when Strawhat Luffy struck, defeating Arlong and seducing her to his side. Overwhelmed with joy, she married him, not knowing the diabolical madman had entrapped her in his clutches! Now she is bound to him forever with a child, young Acenath, who no doubt is being twisted by Strawhat's evil! She must be rescued from this horrific situation at any cost! This Reporter demands the World Government take action!"
Dead silence ensued for about ten seconds. Luffy was the first to break down, laughing his ass off as he rolled around. Usopp, Chopper, Sanji, and Brook followed, cackling madly. Zoro laughed as well, and Robin, ever Robin, hid her own laugh behind her hand.
Nami flushed bright red.
"It's not funny!"
"It's absolutely funny, Nami!" Luffy laughed. "I didn't get most of those words but... Diabolical mastermind?! AHAHAHAHAAHAHA!"
"Though the insane crackhead part kiiind of rings true," Usopp commented. Luffy blinked.
"Why?"
"Luffy, you literally don't want to do anything but fight, eat, and have fun at every island we go to."
"That's not true!" Luffy said defensively, "I also want to have sex with my wife and show my daughter fun things!"
A pause. Brook cleared his throat. Luffy blinked then scowled.
"I mean, not at the same time!"
"LUFFY!" Nami shouted, bonking him on the head.
"Okay, I suppose that counts as character growth," Usopp deadpanned. Sanji twitched, and turned around, puffing on a cigarette.
"No, not going to lose it... Not gonna... Come on... Think of the Mermaids... Think of the Princess... Yessss..." He giggled happily, lost in his fantasies.
"Yes Sanji, let the boobies comfort you," Brook said sagely, "There are always more boobies."
"Always more boobies."
Robin walked up to Nami's side and pointed out the editor's name.
"This is why," Robin said, "the editor likely forced Jimmy to change all of the good stuff. It's typical World Government propaganda. Anyone who knows the truth will simply find it as hilarious as we do."
"Not like we care what anyone else thinks of us anyway," Zoro pointed out.
Nami sighed and rubbed her eyes.
"I thought he was independent, damnit," Nami groaned, "He got fired from the World Government News Service for keeping his lenscap on too many times! I can't believe I got tricked!"
"I'm sure the Revolutionary Army will get his original notes somehow and send them off," Robin chuckled. "Nothing to worry about."
"Aside from the fact my daughter now has a huge price on her head."
"Which just means she's one of us," Robin said gently.
Ace, having finished comforting Chopper, ran up and hugged her mom. She looked up at her.
"Don't be sad, Mommy," she said. Luffy joined her, wrapping them both up in a hug.
"YEAH! My daughter's a real pirate now!"
Nami sighed and hugged her daughter and idiot husband back.
"Yeah... Though I do wonder how everyone else will react..."
On Amazon Lily...
"LIES! SLANDER! SCANDAL! OUTRAGE! ANGRYYYYY!"
Hancock was stomping around in a fury in her throneroom, shaking the newspaper as though she wanted to throttle the throats of everyone at the World Economic News office.
"HOW DARE THEY SPREAD SUCH INCREDIBLE LIES ABOUT MY LUFFY! HE DID NOT SEDUCE THAT SLUT CAT BURGLAR! HE SEDUCED ME!"
Pyon and Margaret stood there. Margaret was terrified, while Pyon was relaxed. She was very used to the moods of their Empress by now.
"Empress, we know that, but newspapers must sell nonsense to survive," Pyon observed, "You should not take it seriously."
"I WON'T HEAR OF SLANDER OF MY BELOVED LUFFY!" Hancock raged. "GRRRRRR...!"
"Um... Empress," Margaret ventured, "Um... In fairness... He did... Kind of... Seduce the Cat Burglar. Since she did bear him a child-"
Hancock loomed over her threateningly, her Haki enveloping the whole room. Margaret gulped.
"N-Not that you won't! You'll definitely get him to m-marry you and have many children with him Empress, I'm sure of it!" Margaret said.
Hancock... Immediately blushed, and covered her cheeks.
"Oh... Oh my... You think I can?! Oh Margaret, I love you!"
Hancock hugged Margaret tightly.
"But how? My beloved Luffy is too honorable to ever cheat on his wife! I know this! It's why I love him so!"
Margaret, who had only been recently introduced to the world of guarding her Empress and dealing with the outside world, desperately tried to find a means to escape her Empress's affection. Which had become almost as dangerous as her wrath.
"Um... I have read," Margaret began, "That there are some societies beyond Amazon Lily where men have many wives...?"
"WHAT?!" Hancock snarled. "SHARE MY BELOVED WITH THAT TRAMP?!"
Margaret gulped.
"He-He may be too much man for any one woman!"
Hancock started and then smiled.
"You're right, Margaret! I know! I'll go to practice with another woman! When next I meet my dear Luffy, I'll seduce him and that trollop!"
"Ah, well, that's not what I meant-!"
Margaret glanced over at Elder Pyon for help. Pyon smirked and shook her head. Hancock yanked Margaret with her.
"COME MARGARET! TRAINING BEGINS! TO THE BEDROOM!"
"UWAAAHHHH!"
Meanwhile on Foosha Village...
"WHAT?!"
Garp growled furiously, gripping the newspaper so tightly it might have been torn to pieces if not for the tension of the former Marine Hero's immense Haki.
"THEY HAD A DAUGHTER AND DIDN'T TELL ME?! DAMNIT LUFFY!" He smashed through the wall of his house out to the porch. where Sengoku was chilling out eating rice crackers. "DAMNIT! THEY NAMED HER ACE, TOO!"
"Acenath," Sengoku corrected. Garp glared.
"I KNOW WHO SHE REALLY NAMED HER FOR! THAT'S... SO... TOUCHING!" He sobbed. "OH ACE...!"
"Divided between your duty and your family," Sengoku sighed, eating more rice crackers, "It's very tragic, Garp. Seriously. So tragic."
Garp stared at him.
"You know, you've become far more mellow these past two years, Sengoku. What gives?"
"One, I had to tangle with your grandsons. After that? Nothing seems stressful," Sengoku said, nibbling on another rice cracker, "Hells, I think I aged 50 years overnight after that. You really should have kept a better eye on him, kept him from the crack."
"HE'S NOT A CRACKHEAD!" Garp growled angrily. "Yes, he's stupid and reckless but he wouldn't just fight someone over a taco in a trashcan outside Marine HQ at 3 in the morning!"
Only the crunching of rice crackers in Sengoku's mouth filled the air for a moment after that.
"That's... Suspiciously specific, Garp, but I'll let it go," Sengoku said, "The other reason is that my new medication means I can't get angry. Seriously, try me."
Garp blinked. He picked his nose and flicked a booger on Sengoku. The latter didn't so much as twitch, just kept chewing on his rice crackers.
"Wow. Usually, you'd be exploding in Buddha rage if I did that," Garp said, "How did I not notice?"
"Grief over your grandson's death, probably," Sengoku surmised, "Anyway, you could go and see your new great-granddaughter. You're retired, it's your right. I certainly won't tell."
"You could come with me!" Garp said cheerfully.
"And age another fifty years? No thank you," Sengoku replied, "Seriously, these rice crackers are so damn good. How does that Makino woman bake them?"
"I never asked."
"Figures."
"Well! I'm going to see my great-granddaughter!" Garp announced, "Hopefully I'll catch them before they hit their next island!"
"And cause a disaster."
"That was implied, Sengoku!"
"Of course it was."
Garp scowled.
"Why do I have to do all the reactions now?!"
Sengoku smirked a bit.
"For all the hell you put me through? It's the least you deserve."
Garp growled, held up a finger... And dropped it with a sigh.
"Damn. I hate it when you're right."
"Which is always."
"The Buddha wasn't such a smug jackass!"
"He would have been if he'd known you."
"GRAH!"
On Buggy's Ship...
Buggy appears on the den den mushi screen. He adjusts his audio/visual snail and, upon seeing it was properly recording, fell back and landed on his plush throne with a grin.
"Hey there, kids! It's Warlord Buggy's Den Den Mushi Stream! I know I promised I would give you all another list of why Redhaired Shanks SUCKS this week, but BIG news has just broken!"
Buggy held up the newspaper and the wanted poster of Monkey D. Acenath.
"Yes, your eyes are not deceiving you! Strawhat Luffy and that damn Cat Burglar wife of his reproduced! I mean, I've met the guy! I fought the guy and then fought with the guy! This man romanced BOA HANCOCK and yet this-THIS woman who is allergic to clothing had his BABY?!"
He held up Nami's latest wanted poster. He shook his head.
"Damn. I mean, what is going on here?! I know she's crafty, but Strawhat is so dense he'd just go right through any traps she laid for him! I can only conclude, based on my observations, that these two are made for each other."
Buggy leaned forward.
"You wanna know why? BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH FLASHING INSANE! WHO BRINGS A BABY WITH THEM ON A QUEST FOR THE ONE PIECE?! HOW ABOUT THE SAME PEOPLE WHO BREAK INTO IMPEL DOWN?! WHO CHALLENGE THE WORLD GOVERNMENT?! WHO PUNCHE CELESTIAL DRAGONS?! THESE LUNATICS WOULD BRING DOWN A KINGDOM FOR A HALF-EATEN SANDWICH AND SOME JEWELS!"
Buggy huffed a few times and composed himself. He shook his head, leaned back, and tapped his chin thoughtfully.
"Honestly, I'm not convinced this isn't an elaborate ploy by Strawhat's father, Monkey D. Dragon, to finally get his son involved in overthrowing the World Government! What do you think is going through Admiral Genocide Akainu's mind right now? 'THIS IS WHY WE NEED TO MURDER ALL BABIES!' That's right! What do you think is going through the minds of that Celestial Dragon Strawhat punched? 'I wonder if frying up a baby would be a good appetizer? Especially a pirate baby!'"
Alvida slides into view with a sign that reads:
WARLORD BUGGY THE CLOWN DOES NOT ACTUALLY THINK THE CELESTIAL DRAGONS EAT BABIES AND IF THEY DID IT WOULD TOTALLY BE FINE.
She then slides out. Buggy sighs.
"I know, I know, I want her to show off for more fan service too, but give me a break guys, she's my girlfriend! I gotta do right by her! I gotta respect her!"
"I'm not your girlfriend," Alvida responded. Buggy coughed.
"Ah, heh, she's such a joker! Anyway! Given what Strawhat and his band of lunatics have accomplished so far, just imagine what they'll do when some World Government official gets it into his head to kidnap their little brat. What do you think is going to happen? You think the same people who did all that will just shrug and go 'Oh well, the World Government has our kid, what can we do?'"
The screen was filled with Buggy's face as he roared.
"WRONG!"
He backed away. He shook his head.
"Now, I am a good and loyal Warlord of the World Government and am perfectly happy with the arrangement. Which is why I strongly urge everyone watching this stream to please, please, just leave the Strawhat girl alone. Every attempt to kill Strawhat and his associates has literally just made the problem worse! I mean, ruling the world is fine, but why make more trouble for yourself? I say, take what you can get, and be satisfied! Look at me? I have done great things, but did I get greedy?"
Buggy paused, and quickly shoved some treasure out of the background.
"No! Buggy didn't get greedy! Buggy was smart! And Buggy likes where he is! Which is why Bug-I mean, I will just be a happy, loyal Warlord who isn't going to mess with Strawhat! And I strongly suggest the rest of you do the same! Let other people be stupid! Let them mess with Strawhat first, because you know they will! The problem will take care of itself!"
Buggy held the wanted poster back up and frowned.
"And another thing: Maybe just leave the Strawhats alone entirely!"
He pointed at the darling little girl smiling for the camera with an ominous expression.
"I mean, she doesn't look like a maniac now, but you kill her parents and miss her? She'll be back in ten, fifteen years tops with every friend the Strawhats have made, every princess they rescued, and every army they raised and they'll all want to wreck your shit! She'll probably have that Strawhat with her! She'll be the sequel! Let her just grow up under a maniac who would throw hands over leftovers and an exhibitionist kleptomaniac! She'll grow up to resent them, like all good children should! You try to kill off Strawhat and his baby mama, what happens? She forgets every bad thing they ever did and they become saints in her eyes. She'll want revenge. She'll know all their tricks to accomplish it, and so YOU GET AN EVEN WORSE STRAWHAT!"
Buggy put down the Wanted poster and smiled pleasantly.
"Before we continue, here is an ad from today's sponsor!"
Please check me out on ArchiveofOurOwn. I am moving most of my stories over there, and while I will crosspost, Fan Fiction Dot Net is seriously unreliable. You can find this story there and drop some reviews, as well as argue with other people in the reviews. It's great.
As is Mugiwara no Goofy, which will make you laugh your ass off. Check it out on YouTube, it's also great.
I was strongly tempted to have Buggy shill for Raid: Shadow Legends, but that's a bit too far, even for me.