Albus

James is a jerk. Honestly, I mean it. He is such a jerk. I'm sorry to say it because he is my brother and he has always been more than decent to me and in many aspects is the better person, but he is behaving unreasonably; he is making grandma very worried and, really, all considering what she is going through he could be a bit more accommodating.
He hasn't come a single time to the cemetery. I must be honest, it's not fun, it's tormenting. Having both my mum and sister's death in front of me, seeing grandpa numbed by grief, grandma in a pathetic attempt in railing. It's not fun. But grandma cares for it, it does her well to have us there and if you are living in a situation where there is not light, if hopelessness, sorrow, and despair are assailing you on all sides, if you see those feelings racking everybody around you and you can do one thing to make them feel better, you do it. Doesn't matter what, doesn't matter the sacrifice, it's our duty. So, I go, and James should do the same.
He didn't come to visit dad either. I don't understand him. How can resentment be taken so far? I know their relationship has always been shacky, but he is our father! He is all what we have got left and we have been so close in losing him too!
I honestly don't understand him. Why such a fuss? Always feeling neglected for mysterious reasons since it is not exactly as if dad has been such a bad dad. He used to make us play all the time, he would take us to visit muggle's places, he would joke with us… True, he has always been kind of silent and secretive and sometime right-out scary, but it doesn't take much to understand the reasons of it. Mum told us, Aunt Hermione too, even he at one point explained us the reasons of it, for god's sake! Why did I get it and he doesn't?
Personally, I think dad is great. One of the best people I ever known. When I was a lad, I adored him for the shine, the adventures, he is the one who defeated You-know-who! How cool is that? All the people I know have normal dads who do boring stuff, mine fought and defeated the darkest wizard of all time! Plus, he is an Auror. I always thought he was the coolest person in the whole world!
But then growing up I understood how much more there is behind it. And the reasons of my admiration developed and deepened.
It's all started when I was eleven and James was behaving like a jerk as usual and forced dad to tell us all what happened in his past.
Well, I couldn't fail to make comparison with my life up to that moment. My easy life with mum who would kiss me and cuddle me all the time, grandma e grandpa spoiling me covertly. All my uncles and aunts covering me with presents, not a problem in the world besides whether there would be any dessert after dinner.
And my dad at my age was living in a cupboard with a piece of You-know-who's soul inside him!
I reflected on his words many times afterward and I started to notice things I didn't before, and all his silences took totally another meaning.
There was a gloom hovering on him, a lot of anger repressed.
I don't think he had many happy moments in his life and still he is more than a decent person. Always ready to put himself aside for our benefit. And there wouldn't be any need of it at all because, already with all what he had done in his past, he rolled out a carpet of easiness in front of our feet, who have the privilege to be born his sons.
I know that every door is open for me, now in Hogwarts but also when I'll finish my studies. I could even drop school and I could anyway pursue any career I please and if I'd decide not to work at all, money will come in any case as easy as a galleon to a niffler. And even if it didn't, which I doubt (you just need to see all the advertisement's offers dad receives all the time and I know he receives them for us too because I saw some in his office once) we are anyway rich. We don't live as other rich families do but we are so, nevertheless. That's why I don't bother too much about grades, what's the point? I only study what's necessary not to fail (Rose wouldn't allow me to, anyway). I'm not show-off-James who need to shine in everything to be fulfilled.
I could have girls too, like, very easily. It happens often to be accosted by silly girls with endless different pretexts. I always get rid of them. Some are indeed pretty but it always struck me as very sad to be looked for only because of dad. I want to be appreciated for myself, thank you very much. Anything less I won't accept. I'm not endlessly-horny-James who needs to get laid every twenty minutes with any girl pretty enough.
I'm not attracted by that kind of life made of money, popularity, and girls; it's a dangerous one. I want to stay very far away from it. I'll strive for it like dad has done.
I've been lucky because I saw to what it leads having James' example under my eyes who embraced it whole heartedly. Accepting it enchains you to people. You become their propriety and they feel they have every right over you. You end up living to their expectations and needs. This is what's happening to him. He pretends to be happy and satisfied, everybody envies him thinking he has got the perfect life, but I can see behind that façade; in reality, he is only very bitter, angry, and dissatisfied. I'm sorry for him but he chose his lot. What makes me angry is when he starts to give every fault to dad like if every of his problems is conducible to him. If he would shag a bit less and instead, he'd focus his energies on building up healthy relationships with friends and girls maybe he'd be able to see that dad hasn't got any fault at all. He is the only responsible for the life he is leading, he cannot blame it on dad.
And all that bullshit about feeling shunned and neglected by him! Boo-hoo! Poor James!
I don't know what he complains about!
To start with he was mum's favourite. I know she loved me very much, but her eyes shined when speaking about James. She adored him, it was always James did this, and James said that…
End even dad, despite on appearance it seems I was the one preferred, I'm not sure it is so.
Their relation reminds me very much about the magnets I used to play when I was little. If you try to stick them together by the wrong ends, they push away from each other fiercely but if you just flip them, they get attracted straight away. This is what happens with them. They are so similar. They push away each other because both convinced are not liked by the other, but once they get over that notion, they are straight away attracted. They can't help but looking for each other company continuously.
I can see it very clearly from the outside, mum could see it too, but they cannot, they are too deep in it.
So, in the end, I should be the one feeling neglected, not him. But then honestly, I have no reason to. My childhood has been very happy. All parents have their favourites. I don't mind being him. James-drama-queen would have hanged himself in my shoes.
The most important thing to me is to be Rose's favourite. That's enough by me. And thankfully I am.
Everything changed in the last year, and I was in serious disarray. It started over the summer. Rose joined us for part of our summer holiday. She always does if we can manage.
We were having a plunge in the water as we always do, we were playing as we always do, and she got hold of me as she always does but at that moment… I don't know, she was so close, and the water on her lips and her breast pressing against me… It's just as if only at that moment I realised she was a girl! I mean I've always known she is a girl, and her breast was there even before getting into the water but it's as if I noticed it only then. My body reacted with such an impetuosity that I had to push her away from me quite harshly not to have her notice.
She didn't understand and was quite hurt, but I couldn't do anything else!
From then on everything changed.
She was different, I mean, she was the same, but she was different to me! I noticed she had some beautiful legs, a tiny waist, her skin so smooth… Not even her smile was the same. When she smiled, I felt a warmth I never felt before… It has been dreadful! She has always been my best friend! She is my cousin! A relative! A relative shouldn't make you feel that way.
I have been forced to get some distance. From then on, I avoided her whenever I could. At Hogwarts I began to hang out with male friends and when she was looking for my company, I found excuses. I seriously hurt her, she ended up quite lonely, because of Uncle Ron she didn't manage to make many friends, but I was anyway hurting me more. Because I'm not so stupid as not to realise what that warmth means, I love her. Not like a cousin at all, I love her like a lover. And it is not acceptable to love a relative in that way so what could I do if not distancing myself from her?
But I was seriously racked. As soon as she was unreachable, I realised that she is perfect. Nobody is quite like her. I couldn't imagine falling in love with anybody else. I tried to hang out with some other girls, but it wasn't the same, they were all so silly and boring. I missed her company dreadfully.
After four months of this penitence, I let it out with James.
I waited in the changing room after training to talk to him.
'James, can I talk to you for a sec?' I murmured to him while everybody was changing.
He looked at me sideways and nodded. He always understands when I have something that weight on my mind.
When everybody was gone, he slumped on a bench.
'What's wrong?'
I was very hesitant to be honest. This was a huge thing to avow aloud, and I was very scared by his possible reaction.
'It's about Rose…' I muttered in the end plumping up my uniform in the locker not to have to look at him.
He arched his eyebrows 'Yeah, I noticed you are not hanging out with her lately. Did she patronize you more than usual?' He said sitting back against the wall.
'Not exactly…' and very coyly and hiding almost entirely in my locker, I explained about what happened over the summer.
He was perplexed 'Do you mean to say you got a boner?'
'Why do you have to be so coarse?!' I snapped blushing to the top of my hair 'Yes, I got a boner, for god's sake!'
My head was still in the locker pretending to tidy up but, because no words were coming back from James, I hazarded a peep. He was looking at me bemused.
I promise I felt my guts sinking. For sure he was thinking I was a perv or something.
'But…' he stammered. And I just knew what he was about to say. "She is our cousin".
'But… she is not even that pretty!' he exclaimed in the end.
'She is pretty!' I blorted out enraged, springing out from my locker, and slamming it close but, I must say, feeling like laughing at the same time, so relieved by his only objection.
Without listening to my answer, he added pensive 'True it is that she has grown some huge tits in the last year… I can see your point.'
I was rendered speechless by his bluntness, but he wasn't waiting for an answer.
'Dad notice it too, I believe.' he said starting to chuckle 'When we were at the beach and she took out her t-shirt he pulled such a face! I promise you I struggled to keep mine straight' he continued bursting out laughing 'he looked at me and I was sure he was about to say something but then mum came, and he just shoved his sunglasses on his eyes and didn't utter a word…' He was laughing so much at that point he could barely speak 'Oh my! So out of the blue! Last year she was as flat as a board!'
'Yeah, right… But she is our cousin remember?' I supplied a bit unnerved by his hilarity, pointing out what I thought he would have remarked to me 'and it is not simply a boner…' I concluded feeling a hot flush creeping.
'So what?' he said shrugging still chuckling 'People marry between first cousins all the time'
'Those people are mostly Slytherin!' I replied getting warm and sheepish sitting on the bench in front of him 'We are not Slytherin! We don't care about keeping our blood pure!'
'True' he admitted managing to restrain his mirth 'I met a muggle-babe in the summer, and I very much enjoyed dirtying my blood with her' he smirked but seeing my expression he sobered up 'But then it is also true they marry cousins for blood and money, you want her because you are clearly smitten, and she is great. Is it not quite a better reason?'
This is the good thing about James; he may be a jerk sometimes and a show-off, and a drama-queen, and definitely endlessly horny, but I could never find a better brother anywhere. He always says the right thing.
James is the best.