It's thanks to her if I rallied up to now. When Aunt Hermione decided to send her back to Hogwarts I felt all the heaviness of what was happening crushing me. But I couldn't oppose to it.
Nobody knows we are an item besides James. We decided to keep it quiet for the moment. I'm not sure how the family will react, and this is not the moment to avow it.
The only person I'm fairly sure won't have anything to object is dad but right now he doesn't even see me.
Grandma says it's shock. That may be. I'm not sure.
He woke up from the sleeping potion in the middle of the night.
I was the only one there. Grandma was at the Burrow, James in Sunrise's room. I woke up with a start, I don't know why, perhaps I was having a nightmare. I don't know. What I know is that dad was awake. I realised only because I spotted his eyes open.
I called him but he didn't react in any way. I called for the healer then, I thought she must know he was awake.
When she came, she made him sit down. He did but without looking at her. She spoke sweetly asking him many different questions, easy questions: his name and surname, his age, about his job... Mechanically he answered to all of them, quite correctly. She casted some spells against his head, I guess to check if everything was ok, she checked his pulse, he made him stand and walk about which he did with some stiffness at first and many other things. He followed every order and let himself handling without a word or protest.
A nurse came into the room bustling about. She is not the first. We can forbid people to get into the aisle but unfortunately not all these bloody nurses who come and go only to pry.
She pretended to do things until the healer quite sharply sent her away.
I love this healer, she seems earnestly worried for dad, and she has always been extra nice to me.
She allowed me to say bye to mum alone before they would take her away and I know she took care of her before letting me in because she looked very pretty, proper, as if she was only sleeping.
'I would like you to do some body rehabilitation and eat something now' she told him sweetly making him sit on the bed again.
'I'm not hungry' he answered listlessly.
'I know. But it is important. You need to get back some strength'.
'I'm not hungry. I just want a sleeping potion'.
The healer searched for his eyes 'Why do you want it? You just got one. You only woke up'
'I want to sleep again'
The healer didn't answer straight away, he looked in my dad's eyes for a long moment and then sighed.
'Let's make a deal' she said wearily but smiling 'I want you to do a few things for me. I'll send over some other healers to help you out with some exercise I want you to do every day, you must eat something and have a shower. At the end I'll give you half of it. Is it fine?'
'I'll do my usual workout by myself. I don't want to see anybody'.
'Ok, but if you see you don't manage, you'll let me know, alright?' she smiled patting his shoulder 'I'll send somebody with the food in an hour'
As soon as the healer was out dad started his workout, I thought he wouldn't have, and I was ready to prod him, if necessary, but he did as he was told. I just watched him from my armchair still transfixed, amazed in seeing him walking about when I thought he would never wake up. He didn't look at me once, as if I was invisible. Sometimes he would halt hollowing looking in front of him, but it was only a moment, realising it he shook himself off and started again with more energy.
After an hour he was quite worn out, not surprisingly. For a week he didn't move at all. The healer taught me how to cast all the spells to keep his muscles active though and I did it every day. I didn't allow the nurses to do anything, I didn't want them close to him.
Drenched and panting he rested his back against the wall, sliding slowly on the floor and I wanted to say something, I wanted him to realise I was there but obviously the bloody nurse strode in all fluttering carrying a tray.
When she saw him in that corner so despondent, she exclaimed 'Oh, the poor dear…'
But I just know it was all a fake, she was only pleased to be able to tend to Harry Potter that's all, I could just tell! And I hated her for the selfishness, for the stupidity showed in this fake concern. A bit like if dad is not even a person.
I helped dad to sit on the bed to get his meal, he did, thankfully refusing an attempt by the nurse to feed him.
'Can I have the potion?' he asked once the plate was empty.
'The healer said you must get a shower first' she said all giddy and I honestly was beyond irritated by her presence. Dad didn't pay her more attention than to a fly but stood up and made for the bathroom. She sprang up to follow but then I stepped in. The hell I'll allow her to follow him in the bathroom!
I barred her the way straight away 'I'll help him' I stated stern.
'Don't be silly sweetheart.' She cooed condescending as if speaking to a ten years old or something trying to go past me.
'I'm not a sweetheart and I said I'll help him. We don't need you anymore'
She snorted quite offended 'Fine' she snapped huffily 'But if he slips or something happens, it's going to be on you!'
I nodded truculently, closing the door behind dad on seeing her trying to peep inside.
She turned her heels stiffly and leaving the potion in a cupboard, marched away.
Dad didn't need any help obviously.
When done, he went for the bed. On sitting on it, he looked up at me for the first time 'Albus, could you ask the healer for the potion?'
My hearth lurched hearing him mentioning my name. I thought he hadn't even realised I was there.
'There is no need. The nurse left it here' I stammered going to retrieve it.
I sat close to him and gave him the vial.
'How are you and James?' he asked before drinking it.
'We are fine, dad. Don't worry'
He lay down observing pensively the liquid in the vial. Everything was still and our voices echoed slightly in the room. I dimmed the light of the lamp.
'How many hours do you think it will make me sleep?'
'I don't know. You slept ten with the full one. I guess at least five.'
'Not that long' he only said 'I'd rather preferred to have a full one'
'I don't think it's that healthy' I murmured 'You already slept for rather a long time'
He didn't say anything for a while still observing the liquid that glimmered slightly reflecting the lamp's light.
'I'm sorry, Albus' he muttered in the end.
'What for?' I asked in a pained relief, glad to be able to talk to him but feeling a stranglehold in my chest.
'I should have died'
I was rendered speechless for a moment not understanding the meaning of his sentence. He was sure still confused. I looked outside the window, in the garden, unsure of what my answer should have been. An owl, in a fast dark shadow, cut the sky in half.
'I'm glad you didn't'
Dad rested his head against the wall and brought the vial to his lips. I followed his adam's apple going up and down with the drinking.
'I shouldn't have married her' he said once the vial was empty 'I should have let her have a safe life with somebody else' he slurred, his voice getting fainter as sleep was downing on him 'I should have left her alone'
And the last sentence was no more than a whisper as his head was already reclining on one side and the vial was rolling from his hand on the linen.
I caught it before could smash on the floor setting it on the bed side table. I slid him down so his head would rest on the pillow.
My inside was bleeding. I know he is not in himself otherwise he would never have said it.
Because if he'd left mum alone, if he'd never married her, I would never have been born.

Today is sunny, I can perceive it through my eyelids. It seems miraculous. Never getting out from the hospital I often wonder if this is the real weather or just one chose by the admin office.
Being as it may, it's nice. I enjoy this moment in which conscience still didn't properly reach me I can pretend whatever I want to.
Mum is alive and well, on holiday in Australia, dad is there too. They sent us a nice postcard with a bright exotic bird. Sunrise is fine too, at the Burrow. She made one of her incomprehensible drawing and grandma sent it to us, it's a flower apparently. It's always a flower. I'm strolling with Rose in the Hogwarts' ground and James is getting laid with one of his girls somewhere in the castle. Everything is perfect.
It doesn't last long, it never does. It starts with a chill on one of my feet uncovered by the blanket, it follows with a hushed voice, it finishes with my mind awaking.
It's gone. We are back to reality.
I squint against the sun, my body all stiff because on the uncomfortable position on the armchair. I stretch a leg and then the other.
I pick up the hushed voice again, so I open my eyes once and for all. It's the bloody nurse. Stooped on my dad. She is telling him something and he, eyes wide open, is drinking all her words quite attentively.
'What are you doing?!' I ask abruptly already on the warpath.
She startles but then seeing me the fakest smile ever appears on her face 'Nothing, silly willy. You don't need to take that tone' she says all soppily 'Just checking how your dad is'
'He is fine' I hiss wrenching my blanket aside and standing up.
'You don't get to decide if he is fine.' She replies snidely 'The healer does'
'Alright' I say condescending 'Go and look for her then, so we may know'
She narrows her eyes viciously, but she leaves the room. I bet anything she was in Slytherin. I recognise that shrewd look between hundreds.
I approach dad but he is back in his listlessness, eyes glazed. I ask him how he is, but he doesn't answer.
The healer appears but dad doesn't answer to her questions or requests either.
'Can I have a sleeping potion?'
It's the only sentence that rise from his lips at one point.
'No, Potter. You only woke up' she says checking his pupils and his reflex.
'Please, I need it!' he implores staring straight into her eyes.
She winces and divert her gaze 'I'm sorry but you cannot. You slept enough. It may be dangerous'
He turns from her, crouching 'Can you give me something else then?' he pleads despairingly 'Please! Anything!'
And there is so much anguish in that sentence I cannot stand it.
'Can you not give it to him?' I interject brusquely 'He only wants to sleep'
'No, Albus. I'm not being mean. Sleeping potions are not to be used lightly. The mind can get damaged, the body too if used too often. It creates dependence. It's a drug' she says stern checking dad's pulse.
'But you see how he is!' I blort out 'Just one is not gonna hurt him!'
'It's not just one. It would be the third in scarcely twenty-four hours. I cannot allow it.'
Seeing my less than convinced expression, she leaves my dad's arm and comes to me putting his hands on my shoulders while my glance is still on dad crouched on himself.
'Albus, you are a good boy, and I can see you are worried for your father. But if you want to see him well, we need to be strict. He needs to stay away from every mind-altering substance as much as possible and sleeping potion is one of them. All right?'
I nod not properly convinced yet. Is it really better to leave him in this condition? What's more dangerous a potion or crushing awareness? I'd go for the potion anytime honestly but I'm not a healer. She went away not long after that, since dad wasn't cooperating in any way, asking me to try to persuade him to get out of bed.
I didn't try. It seems useless. I think it's best to leave him alone.
Grandma come next, she cries a bit seeing him in that state, but she mops up her eyes quickly.
He doesn't answer to her questions either, he only stares at the wall. Grandma caresses his head and keeps his hand for a while, but I don't think he does even notice.
Since she is here, I decide to go to James to let him know dad is awake in case he decides to be less of a jerk than usual.
I find him intent in throwing some food in the rubbish with a concerned expression.
'She doesn't want to eat.' He says as a greeting seeing me entering 'She woke up an hour ago and she only whimpered the whole hour. She keeps asking for mum' he mutters darkly under his voice.
Sunrise is still in bed clutching her Teddy bear, her green eyes full of tears.
'Hey Sunny' I say stroking her curls.
'Alby. I want mummy' she wails outstretching her arms to be hold.
'She cannot come, sweetie' I reply mechanically as her arms fasten around my neck.
'Why?'
'Because she is still at the sea'
'When she come back?'
I pause looking at James still busy with the left over, but I can see his eyes harden and his body stiffen. I think we both agree that we laid to her long enough.
'She won't come back' I reply kissing her wet cheek.