Chapter 3 - Missing
Author's Note: Slowly, the ripple effects grow. ;)
~ Amina Gila
Obi-Wan managed to push most of his questions from mind during the mission, but now that it's over, they're flooding back again. Especially since he saw Anakin using the Force to a strength he's never seen before, except on Mortis. (He'll never forget seeing Anakin Fallen, knowing that he'd joined the Son for reasons he couldn't fathom, and he never got an answer to that. Doesn't really want one. It could have been... something similar to what the Son did to Ahsoka. He doesn't know, but that makes the most sense.) Presumably that has... something to do with the machine.
He pulls Anakin aside to talk to him once they finally have a private moment, which isn't until Tarkin starts to head off.
And he could've sworn he saw Fives crossing his eyes behind Tarkin's back when he was going on and on about his complaints about the military. Obi-Wan almost thought he imagined it, except Ahsoka and Anakin had nearly cracked up.
"I... sensed how you were using the Force," Obi-Wan comments, "I've never seen you using it that deeply before." The sheer power Anakin wields is almost unsettling when he thinks about it. He was able to tame two literal beings of the Force, and Obi-Wan himself couldn't even break free from one.
"Mortis... made me realize I can do far more than I thought possible," Anakin replies, "And now, after everything we've seen, I think that's what I need to do."
He's not really wrong about that, though Obi-Wan doesn't know what to say about how Anakin seems to have even more questions than he does. "Don't push yourself too far," Obi-Wan advises finally, "You've experienced drawing too deeply on the Force before." It happened when Anakin was far younger, before he really knew what limitations his body would be able to handle. Anakin was... easily overwhelmed by the Force, sometimes just with passive use. He's so strong; he feels so much.
"I won't, Master," Anakin answers, hesitating a moment, "But I... can do far more than I have been taught to. I've seen that."
"The Jedi teach about limitations for a reason," Obi-Wan points out.
"I... do not know what to believe any longer," Anakin admits, "With what we saw of the Jedi in the past..."
Something uncomfortable twists inside of him, hearing it voiced out loud. He doesn't want to start questioning everything he's believed in; it feels wrong, but he can't entirely stop it. He can't brush off Anakin's concerns when he shares them, too. "You're not wrong," he concedes, finally, "I don't know what to make of what we saw either, but in the end, we know what we're fighting for now. We're doing the best we can, regardless of what the Order did in the past."
"But there are still people who would do the same," Anakin reminds, "This is the same Republic that stood back then. What if – what if we are capable of doing the same thing now? Ahsoka was... she might've been out of line, maybe, people like Tarkin are the ones that could easily cause the destruction we heard about."
"That's... true," Obi-Wan admits, though he doesn't much want to think about it, "But we would see it if someone was going that far." At least he hopes so.
Anakin still seems uncertain, but they leave it at that.
Everything they've done all their lives has been for something. He can't believe anything else. (He thinks Anakin wants to believe the same thing, too, but that doesn't mean it's that... simple.)
**w**
As soon as Anakin finds a few spare moments when they're on Coruscant, he slips away to see Padme. It feels like it's been so long since he last got to see her in person, but then again, it always feels like that. For all the time they've been married, it still feels like they hardly know each other.
He wonders, for a moment, what it would be like if this didn't always have to be a secret. If she could be a parent to Ahsoka, too.
He's occasionally felt a certain guilt over breaking the Code like this, and keeping it hidden, even though he knows he could never... make it without knowing there's something for him outside of the Order and the war. But now, it's... different. He still believes in the Jedi way, but not the... people, and he doesn't know what that'll mean, in the future.
"Remember that time we talked about going to Naboo, hoping nobody would notice we were gone?" she asks, lightly. They're sitting on the edge of her bed, side by side.
He's been listening to her talk a bit about her Senate work – whatever work happens to be upsetting her at the moment. He's trying to pay attention, but his mind keeps jumping to everything he saw, and now, it feels like he can see even more clearly all the failings of the Republic. "Of course, I do," he replies, reaching out to slip an arm around her shoulders. He wasn't really serious when he said it only a couple months ago before Mortis, but he'd certainly wanted it.
"Sometimes, I wish we still could."
"Me too," Anakin admits, "And maybe take along Ahsoka and the boys." They're the ones who really need time away from the fighting, especially when they've never truly known anything else.
"I don't think the Lake House would have enough room," she points out, chuckling.
She seems better than he's seen in a while, but he can't shake the lingering heaviness, even now that he's here.
"Ani?" Padme asks, frowning up at him, "Is... something wrong?"
"Something happened on one of my last missions," he admits, "I found something out about the Jedi. In the war between them and the Sith long ago, they... destroyed much of the galaxy. All the destruction was blamed on the Sith, but they were not the only ones responsible for it."
Padme frowns. "Both sides always cause some amount of destruction in war, don't they?"
"Not to this extent," Anakin objects, "They were violating their own principles. And now, I... fear that this may be taking the same path. They are determined to destroy Dooku more because he is a Sith than for the galaxy."
She seems to consider that, looking slightly... troubled. "I wouldn't say the Jedi are the only ones. There are many in the Senate using the war to pursue their own ends."
That only makes it worse. "I worry about where this will lead us, and the Order." If they start going that far, doing things he can't stand with anymore, what then?
"I never knew the Jedi well until I knew you," Padme replies, giving him a half smile, "But I can't imagine any of them would go as far as you're saying. And I can't believe the Republic would go that direction. There's too many of us who are fighting for what's best."
He didn't expect her to really understand. She's not on the frontlines. She hasn't seen how bad things are already getting, but he can only hope that she's right.
She's the one fighting in the Senate, and if she thinks there's hope, then... Anakin will trust her on that.
**w**
Palpatine was asking to see him, and he's near the Senate anyway, so Anakin drops by his office. "I congratulate you for rescuing Tarkin and for the entire Citadel mission," is the first thing he says, "He told me of your courage there."
I'm not the one who nearly died, Anakin wants to say, but he nods instead. "Thank you, Chancellor," he replies, "But I couldn't have done it without my men."
"Ah, yes," he agrees, "They are good soldiers."
"They're more than that," Anakin objects automatically, "They're people."
"Of course," Palpatine concurs, "I have never doubted that." He hasn't, no, but many people have. Anakin doesn't want to say that, but he feels the need to.
"Many see them as nothing more."
"Did something happen?" the Chancellor asks, studying him, "You seem upset."
This isn't a military matter, so it's not something they'd be expected to tell anyone. Even if it were, the information is too dangerous to get out. Anakin trusts Palpatine, but it's just... This just isn't something you tell anyone. If the Force wanted someone else to know about the machine, it would have led them there.
"I'm worried about the path the Jedi are on," Anakin blurts. Palpatine's the one who always encouraged him to talk to him about his emotions so he could never have a problem with that – though it's awkward, when Palpatine himself is leading the Republic and the war effort – but this is the complete opposite of what their... conversations usually have been. He knows Palpatine has questioned the Jedi beliefs and encouraged Anakin to 'follow his heart'against what they say, and now, he truly understands why. But he's never expressed his own questions like this.
"I will admit I am as well," the Chancellor replies, "Why do you mention this now?"
"I learned more of – of the fight between the Jedi and Sith a millennia ago, when the Sith were thought to be destroyed," Anakin begins.
"And?" Palpatine prompts, looking intrigued.
"The Jedi caused much destruction then, too. More than... anyone knows now. They... broke their principles, and I'm afraid of that happening again."
He looks thoughtful and concerned at that, slowly pacing to the window of his office, and Anakin follows. "This is concerning," he muses, "They have always been... shrouded in secrecy and privacy from others in the Republic. How far they could go even without others knowing is in question."
Unease twists inside of him. "I don't know what to do." Other than what he has been, using the Force more deeply to save as many people as he can. But in the long run, he doesn't know. He can follow the Force, but he's used to following rules. That's what he's always done. Doing anything else is terrifying.
"Follow your heart," Palpatine tells him, "Remember I have told you before that one day you will not need guidance, certainly not from an Order which may have... questionable values, despite what they claim to hold."
So he does need to learn to follow the Force, in some way. It somehow seems easier when he has another's permission to do so. And maybe – maybe he'll be able to figure this out.
**w**
Rex holsters his blasters as Ahsoka drops to hangar floor. She's gotten so much better, he thinks, with a tinge of what could almost be pride. They've come so far in her training. She's more determined now in some ways. And he's grateful, at least, that he can do this, can help her.
"We've come a long way," Rex remarks when he catches Anakin eyeing him.
He smiles, coming to stand beside Ahsoka. "Yeah."
It's been a little over a week since the Citadel, since they found out about the... machine. And Rex still has not stopped thinking, wondering. He wants to know, keeps finding himself looking farther. He believes in the Republic, in fighting for it, and he would die for it and all his brother and Anakin and Ahsoka in a heartbeat.
But that doesn't take the questions away.
"We're being sent to Felucia," Anakin says, crouching next to Ahsoka, once she stirs to wakefulness.
Felucia wasn't a good time for the 501st, or for any battalion that's ever been there. It's always been a death trap there, and Rex is not looking forward to being back there.
"Last time we went there, we ended up pulling out," Ahsoka replies, looking none too enthusiastic, "After we'd already lost so many." He remembers that time well. She... had been disobeying orders, convinced she could handle far more than she'd be able to. She's far more aware of her limits now, though.
"I know," Anakin responds, seriously. He clearly wasn't very happy to hear about the mission, either. "The war there doesn't seem like it'll be stopping anytime soon."
The face Ahsoka makes very clearly shows her displeasure, which Rex entirely shares. "Alright. When are we going in?"
In the end, Rex knows, he's just fortunate to be part of the 501st, to have Anakin and Ahsoka as his Jedi, because he's never seen any other Jedi who care for the clones. Not the same way, not to the point of being willing to do anything for them. And he would do the same.
**w**
Rex couldn't shake the feeling something was going to go very wrong on the mission, aside from the countless brothers they're losing here. He's with Anakin as they finish overrunning a Separatist stronghold. Smoke is still lingering in the air, fires burning behind them that they'll have to contain so it doesn't spread to the trees when he notices the very obvious lack of the Commander.
She should've been here long ago, but maybe she was helping near General Koon, or...
"Have you seen Ahsoka?" Anakin asks, coming to stand next to him, scanning the tree line.
"I haven't," Rex replies, helmet under his arm.
"Ahsoka?" Anakin calls, into his comm, "State your location." There's no response, nothing but dead silence, not even static. And Rex doesn't like it.
"Ahsoka, are you there?" he asks, worry slipping into his voice, "Can you hear me? Ahsoka!"
This... doesn't look good. Even if she was injured, she should be answering her comm. Unless it was damaged somehow, but that seems unlikely. Either way, he has an instant bad feeling.
"I want a perimeter sweep, now," Anakin orders firmly.
Rex leaves to join the others as they search for her, but they aren't finding anything. Except... her lightsabers strewn beneath a tree right near the wall she was supposed to be scaling. That's the last any of the clones saw of her.
"General, we've been over the area a dozen times now," he reports, because it's true,with no exaggeration. Anakin kept having them relook, but if they haven't found her yet, he doesn't think they well. But what happened to her, he has no idea. "There's no sign of her anywhere."
"Not good enough, Rex. There has to be traces of something," he replies, firmly.
Given that they're in the middle of a woods with animals, that makes finding any tracks even more difficult. And it's hard to tell if any are new or not. He understands the General's stubbornness, though. Ahsoka is gone, and they have no idea where to find her, or how to even start looking. If the Separatists had her, there should be some traces. He can't imagine how droids could've taken her down, anyway. It had to have been something else, but what? Even if bounty hunters go after Jedi sometimes, they wouldn't have a reason to go after a mere padawan.
They alerted all forces in the Outer Rim already, so it'll be immediately reported if she's spotted, but now he... doesn't know what else they can do. Even if giving up feels like conceding defeat and abandoning Ahsoka to whatever took her.
He's out searching one last time when Anakin contacts them again. "Call everybody in, Rex. We're leaving."
He does not sound happy, which makes him wonder if this was an order from General Koon. The other Jedi have never had a problem leaving people behind – even if he knows General Koon is better about that than most – and even if it's true that she's probably not here anymore, that doesn't mean he wants to leave, knowing they're leaving any last traces they might have found behind, too.
**w**
It's been two days, and Anakin hasn't heard anything from her. Ahsoka could be anywhere in the galaxy, and he can sense that something is happening to her. She's in danger, wherever she is, and there's nothing he can do about it.
He's been looking over a holomap of Separatist positions in that sector of the galaxy, just trying to figure out where she might have been taken. But it would be nothing but speculation, unless the Force nudged him in the right direction.
It's not giving him much indication in that regard, which is making him wonder again if it was the Separatists who took her at all. But that leaves them with even less information. There has to be something he can do, but he hasn't figured out what, yet, and he won't be able to rest until he finds something.
He's worked long past the point of exhaustion before, and he certainly won't be stopping now. He's too scared over her fate to even feel the exhaustion he probably ought to right now.
It was only weeks ago that he watched her die. He felt it as their bond snapped, held her lifeless body, even as he tried desperately to convince himself that she couldn't have just shared the same fate as his mother.
Their bond is pulsing with life now, so he knows she's alive, but that does nothing to lessen his fear. If she's in something she can't get out of, he has no way of getting to her in time. And he can't stop remembering Mortis, and –
Anakin looks up at the sound of footsteps. Master Plo steps into the room, approaching the holotable. "Has any word come about her whereabouts?" he inquires.
He shakes his head. "No. But I will find a way to find her." He's not going to wait for that.
Plo doesn't reply immediately, pacing around the table. "What is Ahsoka's strength?"
He doesn't even need to consider the question to answer. "She is fearless." She always has been, even to a reckless point. He'll never forget the moment he heard that she'd gone to distract Grievous by herself. He could see how shaken up by it she was afterwards, though, and it was partly that which gave him the idea of her training with the clones, to make sure she was the best she could possibly be.
"That can also be a weakness," points out Plo, "Is she a worthy apprentice?"
"No one has her kind of determination," Anakin tells him fiercely.
"Except you," Plo replies.
"I'll find her." He doesn't care how long it takes, or how hard it is, because this is Ahsoka, his padawan, and he has to protect her. That matters more than anything. Exhaustion is nagging at him, and he hasn't slept since he left Felucia, but he can't, either. Not until he finds her.
"That may not be within your power," he answers.
What is his point? He already knows he currently has no way of tracking her, and hearing it repeated isn't helping. "Whatever you are trying to say, Master Plo, just say it."
"I am suggesting that, perhaps, if you have trained her well, she shall take care of herself, and find a way back to you."
What, he's just expecting him to give up? Anakin was upset before when Plo insisted that he leave Felucia, but he had to grudgingly concede that he didn't sense Ahsoka on the planet anymore, so staying there searching any longer was fruitless. But this is something entirely different.
He's telling Anakin to just stop looking, stop worrying about the child who he was entrusted with to protect and raise. This is... it's normal among the Jedi, because they aren't supposed to have attachments. Anakin never really understood it, and it always bothered him, though it's different now.
"I'm not abandoning her," he argues instead, hands on the holotable. There's nothing more he can do, but he won't stop trying, because Ahsoka is still out there, and nothing in the galaxy will keep him away from her. Not when she needs his help.
**w**
Ahsoka has never felt quite this relieved to see the Temple again as she does when the Wookie transport finally arrives outside, and they disembark. But most of all, she's never been so relieved to see Anakin.
He's standing with the other Jedi waiting for them here, and she immediately pushes past the others, hurrying to his side. There were moments when she was trapped on the Trandoshan planet, even as she fought and did everything she could to make sure they'd get out of there, that she was terrified she'd never see him again. It could have been too easy, especially since... she and the padawans were there entirely on their own. No one was coming for them.
Anakin, of course, Ahsoka knew would keep looking. He'd search the entire galaxy, top to bottom, for her if he had to, and she loves him for it.
But she also knows that he's the only Jedi who would ever do that. And the other padawans were stranded there for months because of it. They probably would never have gotten off, if not for her.
Anakin's face lights up the moment he sees her, and he darts forwards, laying his hands on her shoulders, stopping just short of pulling her into a hug, only because they have an audience. That is something they'll have to save for later, but Ahsoka reaches back, tightly gripping his arm, just letting herself feel him here, present and warm and grounding. She's safe here, protected.
"Ahsoka, I'm so sorry," he blurts out in a rush.
She tilts her head, frowning a bit. "For what?"
"For letting you go, for letting them take you – it was my fault."
"No, Master, it wasn't," Ahsoka insists, shaking her head, because for all that Anakin will always try to blame himself for everything, it wasn't his doing. He's the one who fought for her, who tried to help her when no one else did, and he always has.
"I should've sensed something. I should've tried harder." He's looking away now, unable to meet her gaze.
Ahsoka shakes her head, firmly. She doesn't know if he'll ever believe her, but she has to make this much obvious. "You already did everything you could, everything you had to do. When I was out there alone, all I had was your training and the lessons you taught me. And because of you, I did survive, and not only that, I was able to lead others to survive as well." If not for him, she knows she would never have made it. She'd still be trapped there or shot down by the Trandoshans... or even by the droids long before in the war.
Anakin looks overwhelmed and momentarily speechless, though his grip on her shoulder tightens. "I don't know what to say."
"I do. Thank you, Master." Not that even that is nearly adequate to express her gratitude right now, for... everything he'd done for her.
"You're welcome, my padawan," he offers finally, before they head into the Temple together.
His hand is lightly touching her back, and Ahsoka itches to curl closer into it. With all the time she was apart, she was terrified that she would die there on that awful planet, that she'd never get to see or touch Anakin again. That they'd never be able to spend time and share jokes or anything again.
But he had trained her relentlessly, and it paid off, hard as it sometimes was. It's only because of him that she made it off, back to her home, except...
Being at the Temple again, in a place so calm and peaceful, after everything Ahsoka just saw, somehow feels wrong. Those padawans were left there. They were younger than her, even, and they... they were left to die. They would've died, too. Would anyone have missed them? Would they have remembered? She doesn't... know.
Ahsoka couldn't be more grateful to be back, but there's also a part of her that just feels... bitter, almost. Like she doesn't fully know if she belongs here anymore.
She's been questioning that ever since the machine, but now that she can personally see the Order's failings, it makes her wonder how far they go. How many people that need them do they ignore because they have other, more important, priorities?
The harsh reality that she just experienced, lived through, is dogging her every step here, and somehow, nothing feels real anymore.
"I – are you okay?" Anakin asks once they've made it to his room. "I know what you went through and... does Kix need to look you over?"
Ahsoka gives him a tired smile, one that may not quite reach her eyes. Of course, this is his first concern. "Maybe later. I feel fine."
They sit on the edge of his bed together – she's still rather dirty from that final battle with the Trandoshans but she doesn't much care right now, and she highly doubts he does either – and she leans into his side immediately, content to have a few moments to just be. Anakin slips an arm around her, just... holding her.
Now that she's here, she only wants to rest, maybe curled up next to him like they have so many times on the battlefield, but first, they need to... talk. "Those other padawans who were with me," she starts, "They were there for months. And no one was even looking for them."
She leans her head on his shoulder, sighing quietly, closing her eyes. "And I know there probably was no way to find them," she continues, "But it still feels like a shortcoming, and I don't know if I can just... ignore that. I know if something happened again, you would protect me, but what about everyone else? I know the Council has priorities, but I..."
"You... can't see the Order the way you used to?" he clarifies, quietly.
She nods. "Especially after what we saw with that machine, I... I don't know if this is where I... belong anymore." It feels wrong to say that about the Order, the only place she even remembers beyond flashes of before, but it's the truth.
"I... understand," Anakin admits, "I don't know if the path they are on now is something I will be able to stand with."
Something tightens in her at the words. Hearing Anakin think the Order could be failing somehow makes it even more real. "I need to think about it," she says, slowly, "But I don't know if I want to... stay in the Order anymore. But I don't... want to leave, either."
Or at least, she doesn't want to leave Anakin or the 501st. But she wouldn't have to, just because she left the Order. She'd still have her military rank.
He's quite for a long pause, probably not expecting the suddenness of her decision. "Take whatever time you need," he tells her, finally, "I... think it's something we need to think about for a while first, but even if you left, you could still come back if you changed your mind."
"I don't want to... leave you. Or maybe even the war. Just the Order. I don't know; I need to think about it." In some ways, she does want to leave the war, but it's all she's known as a padawan. And she believes in what she's fighting for, just maybe not who she's fighting for. It's complicated.
She definitely needs some time to sort this out.
Final Notes: Reviews are always appreciated! ^-^
Come hang out on Discord (delete spaces), discord . gg / nqSxuz2 or find us on tumblr at fanfictasia (our more serious blog which does have controversial posts on it; I won't be offended if you choose to block it, promise), and disastertriowriting (which is our fun blog with crack posts or incorrect SW quotes)
We've got a YT channel for tributes! (delete the spaces) youtube channel / UC_g1M5rSCxJUzQCRS29B6pA
ALSO: We have SW gift request forms for General, Anakin-Clones-centric, and Bad Batch fics. :D (delete spaces) bit . ly / CourtesyTrefflinFicRequests