Normally, staying in a run down old cottage at the back end of some farmer's field wasn't Megumin's idea of a good time. However, doing so because her family was fleeing for their lives from a powerful and mysterious foe, who was relentlessly pursuing them with cursed letters and foreboding owls, made this the absolute time of the young girl's life. She was so excited that she could barely sleep, practically vibrating with eagerness for the next trial that she would face on her path to glory.
"Pssst. Megumin!"
Megumin looked up to find Yunyun smiling at her, holding out a plate of treacle tart they had bought at the grocery store. It had "Happy Birthday Megumin" written on it in red frosting.
"Um, I know it's your birthday tomorrow, a-and I didn't want you to think I had forgotten about it," Yunyun whispered.
"I accept your tribute as due and just," Megumin said, and eagerly grabbed the dish, digging out a hunk of tart to shove into her mouth with her bare hands. She paused at seeing Yunyun's expression, and said around a mouthful of sweet, "Want some?"
"Um...ok." The two girls sat together, eating the horribly sticky tart with their bare hands and contemplating their lots in life.
"S-sorry, but I don't have any presents for you," Yunyun whispered, blushing and looking down.
"Who cares? This is the best present!" Megumin said grandly.
At first, Yunyun was rather pleased, thinking Megumin meant having her friend with her and the tart that Yunyun had decorated, but then Megumin opened her mouth again. As usual, it was to insert both feet.
"Fleeing for our lives from a dark and horrible foe that could batter down our door at any moment is the greatest birthday present I could ever ask for!" Megumin said, sighing in contentment.
Yunyun gave her cousin an exasperated look, and if she'd been slightly more forceful, might have said something scathing. Instead, she just took another bite of tart, so her mouth was rather full when a firm and insistent knock came at the door.
"We don't want any," Vernon mumbled in his sleep, before rolling over in bed.
Megumin, however, sprang into action. It was a very poorly considered, rather ill advised action, but it was definitely action.
"HOLD! WHO DARES TO KNOCK UPON THE DOOR OF THIS DWELLING?!" Megumin shouted as she grabbed Vernon's shotgun from under the bed, and dramatically cocked it. As a round was already chambered, this was completely unnecessary. "ANSWER NOW, OR I SHALL BE FORCED TO LAY WASTE UPON THEE!"
"I would much prefer you didn't. It's merely an old friend of your parents, who is rather concerned for your health," a kindly voice said through the door.
"My parents had no friends," Megumin snarled as the Dursleys panicked and sprang out of bed. She raised the gun to her shoulder, taking careful aim at the door as Yunyun wailed and urged her not to shoot.
"No friends? No friends!? What sort of tripe are these muggles feedin' yeh, girl? Course yer parents had friends!" A much deeper and irate voice boomed.
"Calm down, Hagrid, we don't wish to-"
Unfortunately, at that moment, Vernon decided to try to take the gun from Megumin. However, as anyone with sense will tell you, you never disturb someone with their finger on the trigger, and as Megumin lacked both gun safety training and a lick of good sense, she was doing just that. The touch startled her enough that she squeezed, and the gun went off with a great boom that deafened the occupants of the room and knocked Megumin flat on her rear.
"No! Megumin, what have you done?! You could have hurt someone!" Yunyun cried, racing to her cousin's side to help her up.
Just then, what remained of the old wooden door was ripped off its hinges, and an enormous man forced his way into the room. He seemed to fill the entire chamber, his great bushy black beard giving his face a wild appearance.
"What the devil do yeh think yer doin', Vernon Dursley?!" the man boomed, glaring down at the much smaller man.
"It wasn't me! It was that devil child!" Vernon squeaked. "J-just take her, and leave me and my family alone!"
"Peace, Hagrid." At the sound of the new voice, the room seemed to suddenly expand, and a warm light filled it. The giant was able to stand up straight as the ceiling stretched impossibly high. A roaring fire popped into existence along the wall, along with several comfortable looking over stuffed chairs.
Around the side of the massive man appeared an old gentleman in a very odd lime green suit that was about sixty years out of date by style, though the tackiness of its coloring was ageless. He wore half moon spectacles, and had the classic long white beard of a wizard.
"Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley. And to you, Megumin Potter and Yunyun Dursley."
"Um, h-hello," Yunyun stammered as her parents were too frightened to speak, and Megumin was still too deafened and jarred to speak. She reached down and plucked up the half eaten treacle tart. "It's Megumin's birthday. Would you like some tart?"
The two strangers' faces broke out into smiles. The giant's was gap toothed, but kind and warm, while the old man's was far more mischievous and knowing.
"Why, I adore treacle tart. We brought treats of our own to share. Hagrid, if you would?"
"Happy birthday, Megs," the giant rumbled. He reached into one of the many pockets of his large overcoat, and pulled out a carefully wrapped cake. The wrapping had not been his idea, but it had kept the entire thing from getting smashed. He handed it over to the still dazed Megumin.
"You spelled happy and birthday wrong," Megumin said, her tone still very frazzled.
Hagrid looked wounded, so Yunyun hastily added, "B-but it's not the spelling, but the taste that counts when it comes to c-cake! This one looks v-very nice, Mr. Hagrid. Come on, m-mum, dad. Let's sit down and have some cake. Doesn't that s-sound nice?"
"Yes, quite," Vernon muttered, still looking around dazedly at the recently expanded room. "Wasn't this place smaller?"
"I'm afraid my friend Hagrid requires a somewhat larger abode than most. Ah, where are my manners? Albus Dumbledore, at your service," the old man said, gently guiding Vernon and Petunia over to a pair of chairs.
"You're the headmaster of that school for witches!" Megumin gasped excitedly, hurrying over to plunk herself into the largest and most impressive looking of the chairs. "What sort of magic do you teach? Is it dark, terrible sorcery, where you call upon evil spirits and cast ancient curses upon your foes?"
"O-or maybe it's the nicer sort of magic," Yunyun hastily added. "You know, where you can help find lost things or make delicious meals for all your f-friends!"
"Neither my daughter nor my niece are going to any crackpot school for that sort of thing!" Vernon growled, rousting himself from his daze.
Petunia nodded her agreement, her eyes never leaving Dumbledore's face.
"I'm afraid my school is rather more focused on defending against such vile creatures, and protecting against any curses, Miss Potter," Dumbledore said gently as he took his own seat. Hagrid bustled about, putting a kettle that hadn't been there before on the fire, and grabbing a stack of plates that he loaded up with slices of cake and passed around to all assembled. "Though Miss Dursley will be glad to know we do teach several very helpful spells for finding things. And there are always friends to be made at Hogwarts."
Yunyun beamed happily at this news, while Megumin scowled in disappointment.
"What kinda talk is that, eh Megs?" Hagrid demanded, taking the too quickly boiling kettle off the fire and pouring cups of tea for everyone. He added milk and sugar to all of them without prompting, and though Vernon and Petunia normally despised builder's tea, they drank theirs eagerly enough for the moment.
"Dark curses, and vile spirits? That's the sort o' thing yer parents fought against," Hagrid rumbled, finally sitting down himself in a chair that grew to accommodate his large frame.
"Were my parents secretly powerful sorcerers who died in a heroic struggle against a dark lord?!" Megumin asked eagerly.
"Yes, they were," Dumbledore answered quietly. He nodded to Petunia. "I see your aunt has told you something of own history."
"Heavens no. She just seemed to figure it out. I wanted her to have nothing to do with you lot!" Petunia sniffed.
"You lot? What sort o' talk is that? Yer own daughter's a witch!" Hagrid demanded.
"She is not! I won't have you accusing my precious Yunyun of such things!" Vernon snarled, gesturing with his empty mug.
"Sir, I am quite certain your daughter is a witch. Haven't you ever noticed anything strange or different about her?" Dumbledore asked gently.
"Of course not!" Vernon declared.
"Um, well, I don't like to talk about it, but…" Yunyun glanced sidelong at her parents, then hastily spit out, "I-I when I get excited, um, my eyes glow red, and, um, I can see and the dark, and sometimes I can talk to plants! They d-don't talk back very often but it's how my garden is always so nice. T-the plants just tell me what they need and I listen and they grow big and strong."
Yunyun looked down in embarrassment as her parents looked on in horror. "I...I just wanted to have some friends…"
"That is an amazing power! Why did you never tell me of this?!" Megumin demanded, her eyes flashing a bright red themselves.
"W-well...because...if I had an incredible power and you didn't...I thought you wouldn't want to be friends…" Yunyun admitted.
Megumin opened her mouth to deny this, then shut it again. That was exactly what she would have done.
"And has your niece not displayed odd signs?" Dumbledore prompted.
"When does she bloody well not?" Vernon grumbled.
Hagrid glared at the Dursley patriarch, who tried rather unsuccessfully to hide behind his tea cup.
"Megumin Potter's the greatest bloody witch o' her generation and yeh should be pleased 's punch to 'ave her around. Not treating her like a freak."
"Oh, they have done a very good job of raising me," Megumin hastily assured Hagrid. "They have followed all the proper procedures."
"Oh, well that's alright then."
"They have locked me in a tiny cupboard, denied me food, treated me as an outcast, forced me to do innumerable chores, and showered love and affection upon Yunyun while maligning me to show I am the disfavored one," Megumin continued.
"THEY WHAT?!" Hagrid thundered, but Megumin was, of course, not done.
"I have tried to get them to cruelly beat me and perhaps expose me to the elements, or give me only bread and water, but they refuse to do so! You should tell them that they must treat me much more viciously, else I will not become a proper chosen one."
Dumbledore let out a heavy sigh and put one hand on his forehead, while Hagrid sat back. "Do what now?"
"You see, everyone knows that it is a properly tragic backstory that is the key to unlocking an individual's true power. I am certain that with just a little more abuse, such as being abandoned at a train station with no food or money, or perhaps daily beatings, that I shall have my soul reforged into that of a mighty weapon, and be prepared to face the Devil King of this world and destroy him utterly, wrecking my terrible vengeance for what he has done to my parents! I shall throw down his legions of demons, and shatter his items of power, then claim his throne for my own, ascending as the one true dark mistress of-"
"We have a bedroom she could have, but she insists on sleeping in the cupboard," Petunia interrupted in exasperation. "She refuses to wear new clothes and only accepts hand-me-downs from Yunyun, even if they don't fit her properly. The denial of food is because of her atrocious table manners, when Vernon and I send her to bed without dessert. Sometimes she sends herself there, or places herself on a ration of bread and water. Of course she has to do chores! But heaven help us if she does any cooking. She's more likely to poison you as a 'test of will' than anything else."
"How can we know of our own fortitude if we do not build up an immunity to poisons! I still demand that you give me some iocane powder! Uncle Vernon went to Australia and didn't even bring any back!" Megumin ranted.
"That's because the stuff isn't bloody well real girl! I never should have taken you and Yunyun to see that movie. Filled your head with the worst ideas." Vernon turned to Dumbledore. "She would only respond to being called 'The Dread Pirate Roberts' for weeks, and wore a bloody mask all the time! She only gave it up when she switched to an eye patch."
To be fair to the Dursleys, they were, for the most part, telling the truth. Megumin was an extremely exasperating child, but Petunia had a soft spot for the girl who looked so much like her sister in features, and was prone to the same flights of fancy, even if Megumin's were far, far worse.
Plus there was no way Yunyun would have actually tolerated Megumin being horribly abused. She was still somewhat abused, but she more or less deserved it from the way she carried on.
"Er, is that true?" Hagrid asked.
"Of course. I am well aware of my destiny, and have rigorously trained myself to prepare for my future," Megumin declared.
"It's going to be James and his hooligans all over again," Dumbledore muttered, taking off his glasses to scrub his face. "I might have known."
"So, as you see, I am a perfect candidate for this Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." Megumin grinned broadly, and nodded to her cousin. "I do demand that Yunyun be allowed to attend as well, as she is my rival."
"N-no, we're just friends! Best friends!" Yunyun hastily added.
"Er, well, yeh see, they do have to come to school," Hagrid explained. "Or their magic will get out o' control and cause problems. I was here to be all intimidatin' and convincin' like, but honestly I'm startin' to think I'm gonna be needed to tame her."
"YOU CANNOT TAME ME!" Megumin roared, jumping up atop her chair and striking a pose. "I am a raging beast, with the soul of a demon, ready to face all foes! My crimson passion burns brightly, for I AM MEGUMIN POTTER! Foremost genius of the Crimson Demon Clan!"
"The what now?" Hagrid asked, now very confused.
"Um, it's a club we made up. For our friends! You can join if you want," Yunyun offered.
"No! Only the worthy may join our clan, for one day we shall rule the world!" Megumin cackled.
"You're...you're not going to hurt them?" Petunia asked timidly.
"No chance o' that. Be our heads if we let anything happen to the Girl-Who-Lived," Hagrid explained.
That got Megumin's attention. "The Girl-Who-Lived? So my fame and glory have already become well known across the land?"
"Er, yeh do know how you got that scar, right?" Hagrid asked, nodding to the lightning both on Megumin's forehead. It was the wrong thing to say.
"Of course! When I was but a babe, my father took me to Mount Dhoom, where the Balrog slept. There, he set me upon the rocks, and begged the ancient spirits to-"
"She, um, -got it in the car crash that killed her parents, right?" Yunyun interrupted.
"It was given to you by Lord Voldemort," Dumbledore explained, setting his glasses back on his nose. "He killed both your parents, but his Killing Curse left only that mark upon your forehead. Because of this, you are known as the Girl-Who-Lived."
"That…" Megumin swallowed, tears filling her eyes.
"There, there, Megs. 'salright," Hagrid said gently. "Lily and James would just be happy you lived."
"That's not why she's crying," Vernon muttered.
Hagrid shot him a look, but it was too late.
"THAT IS THE MOST INCREDIBLE THING I HAVE EVER HEARD! TRULY, I AM MARKED BY DESTINY TO ONE DAY DESTROY THE DEVIL KING VOLDEMORT AND BRING PEACE AND JUSTICE UPON THE LAND!" Meguimn struck a bold pose, and somehow, a dramatic wind picked up, buffeting her hair about her. "I vow vengeance upon this Lord Voldemort, and I shall-"
"Don't say his name!" Hagrid pleaded.
"Oh? Is there a horrible curse on it?!" Megumin asked eagerly.
"No, some are merely so afraid of it that they call Voldemort He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," Dumbledore explained wearily.
"WHAT!? THAT IS SO UNFAIR!" Megumin wailed.
"I hate to ask, but what's unfair about it?" Hagrid sighed.
"Why does this Voldemort get a cooler epitaph than I do?!" Megumin ranted.
"And there it is," Vernon groaned.
Megumin hopped off her chair and began to pace about the room, gesticulating wildly as she did so. "While it is indeed a good omen that I have already earned an interesting title of my own, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is a far cooler pseudonym. I must correct this error, by performing heroic deeds and-"
"Making lots of new friends!" Yunyun supplied.
"No! Mine is a cold, lonely path, that I must struggle upon alone," Megumin said with a theatrical sigh, feigning a swoon.
"B-but who will witness your glory then?" Yunyun asked.
That gave Megumin serious pause. "Well, alright. One or two boon companions may accompany me, that my deeds might be suitably chronicled."
"I-I can be a boon companion!" Yunyun offered.
"It's too bloody late, or too damn early for this sort of nonsense," Vernon snorted. He glared at Dumbledore and Hagrid. "I don't want to send the girls to no school for your sort, and that's final."
"If you do not, then their magic will grow, untamed. One day, it could very well result in catastrophe, including killing them," Dumbledore explained gently. "They have to be taught."
"Is that true?" Vernon demanded of Petunia.
His wife bit her lip, then reluctantly nodded. "They said the same thing to my parents, and, well, odd things do happen around the girls, Vernon. I don't want to admit it, but-"
"Fine. How much is tuition?" Vernon snarled. "I know this song and dance, you're a couple of charlatans trying to bilk me.."
"Both of their tuitions will be covered, Megumin's by funds her parents set aside at her birth, and Yunyun's by the muggleborn trust fund," Dumbledore said.
"Hmph. Well, you'll find a way to milk money from me somehow," Vernon growled. "I don't like it."
"Daddy?"
Immediately, Vernon was all smiles and sweetness as he turned to Yunyun. "Yes, Yunikins?"
"I...I want to go! Y-you know I've never been able to make friends at school. M-maybe, at this school people won't make fun of you f-for having red eyes, o-or for talking to plants, or...other things. Please. Let us go." Yunyun looked at her father with big, puppy dog eyes, and his heart melted. At least a little.
"Well...if you want to go…"
Both Yunyun and Megumin nodded eagerly.
"...fine. But if they do anything improper to you, Yunyun, I'm pulling you out straight away!" Vernon barked.
Petunia just sat there and sniveled, though she did clutch at Yunyun when her daughter came over to hug her.
"Excellent! Let us depart at once! I am ready to begin my tutelage in the Dark Arts!" Megumin declared, completely misreading the moment.
"Ah, term does not begin until September 1st. There is the small matter of your school supplies. I shall have Hagrid escort you to Diagon Alley on August the 10th to purchase your school supplies, if that is suitable," Dumbledore offered.
"And we don't bloody well teach you no Dark Arts!" Hagrid huffed, folding his thick arms over his chest. "Er, beggin' yer pardon for the language, sir."
Dumbledore waved off the notion of such a thing and stood. "Thank you all. Remember, August 10th. I'll send an owl with instructions."
"Can't you just use post like a normal person?" Vernon demanded.
"That is how a normal person sends post," Hagrid huffed. With that, he and Dumbledore stood and departed. The room shrunk back to its previous size, leaving the exhausted Dursleys and Megumin alone.
"Nothing good comes of consorting with that sort, you mark my words," Vernon growled, pointing a finger at Megumin.
"Oh, it will be such fun to go to school together!" Yunyun cried, excitedly hugging Megumin. "W-we can be in classes together, and make friends together, and-"
"And together, we shall conqueror the pathetic school and make them kneel beneath our might!" Megumin finished.
"Enough of that rot. Go back to bed. Bloody waste of my vacation days," Vernon muttered, and stumbled back to bed.
Megumin and Yunyun both lay back down on their own cots, one dreaming of friends, and the other of-
Esh. I think even Curtis Lemay might balk at that.
Wait wait wait I take it back I TAKE IT-
EXPLOSION!